My Husband Acts Like I Simply Don’t Exist Some Of The Time.
By: Leslie Cane: It may surprise you to learn that one of the most common topics that I am asked about is a spouse that doesn’t make the other spouse feel special or understood. The older I get and the more life and relationships that I experience, the more I realize that the need to feel as if you matter is a very basic and essential need. Our society today reflects this. All you have to do is look on social media to see people literally begging for attention. Sadly, in our society today, you seemingly have to do a WHOLE lot to get attention. In fact, much of the time, you have to be dysfunctional to get any attention. At least that’s what we learn from celebrities.
So it’s no wonder that our society in general is pretty starved to feel like we are seen and like we matter. And, if people want attention from anyone, they want it from their spouse. Some feel that their spouse just doesn’t make them feel special or important enough. And others will tell you that their spouse doesn’t make them feel anything at all – because their spouse completely ignores them so that they feel virtually invisible.
Someone might say: “I admit that my husband and I have always been understated people. We are both introverts so we’ve never been ones to make a huge fuss over each other. But we’ve always been companions who have had good conversations and nice, quiet times together. But, for the last year or so, things have changed. My husband isolates himself and pretty much ignores me. We rarely talk anymore. Yes, we sit side by side and watch a movie occasionally. Sometimes, he will mention things that he has seen in the newspaper. So we might share small talk every once in a great while. But for the most part, he makes me feel pretty much ignored. I can’t think of anything that I might have done to offend him. I occasionally try to make conversation, but he doesn’t follow along. I love my husband and I would never want to date or go back out there socially. I would never be compatible with someone else – as introverted as I am. But I feel so lonely in my own home. What is so wrong with me that my own husband makes me feel invisible?”
There is nothing wrong with you. Believe it or not, what you are experiencing is a very common problem. Many people indicate that they feel lonely in their own marriage and even sometimes, with their own children. As I alluded to before, our society no longer prioritizes face to face or quality time together. We sit side by side, engaged in electronics. We text instead of call. In a way, we are losing our ability to engage with our fellow human beings. And, if we are going to stand a chance at all to maintain our personal relationships, then we have to fight for them.
I know what you might be thinking: “But how do I fight by myself when my spouse won’t engage with me?” First, you ask him bluntly if you’ve done anything to make him retreat from you. If he still answers in the negative, you might try: “well, I’ve watched very closely over the past week and we’ve interacted about ______ times (fill in the blank.) I try to talk to you and you don’t really respond. It makes me feel ignored and I’m wondering what I did to deserve this. Because it’s not healthy for our marriage. I’m not asking you to become a chatty conversationalist, but I don’t want to feel ignored in my marriage. Can we do better? I miss our talks. I want to feel included again. Do you at least see where I am coming from?”
See if he will respond to this. Sometimes, people truly do not realize that they are excluding you. They tend to get caught up with their own lives or inside of their own heads. This is especially true of introverts. Since they don’t need or crave constant conversation like others, they sometimes assume that if they are happy, then their spouse must be happy, too. They have to be made aware that it just doesn’t work that way.
Other than these things, I would suggest trying to get some social engagement elsewhere, at least for a little while. Don’t take this wrong. I would never advise anyone to get their sole emotional needs met outside of their marriage. But to be as healthy and fulfilled as we can possibly be, we need to have a wide variety of friends and others that we value. It’s unrealistic to expect our spouse to meet every need that we have. Sometimes, we need to have other outlets because our spouse just isn’t going to be available to us all of the time. Everyone needs close friends. Even introverts.
This will sometimes take the pressure off of your spouse and you might find that he actually starts reaching out to you when he sees that you are not waiting around for him. I am not saying that you want to play games or to retreat from your own spouse. But I am saying that once you are honest with him and make a good faith effort, then if you are still lonely, you might want to fill some time with friends until this passes.
As you’ve been clear on the fact that you don’t want out of the marriage and feel that you’re compatible with your husband, then it makes sense to work with what you have. Sometimes, you need to have an honest conversation and ask for what you need. Most of the time, your spouse will try to make the effort. If not, then you can sometimes turn your attention somewhere else to see what type of response you might get. This will give you more information about what is going on with him.
As time goes on in your marriage, people sometimes still love one another, but take one another for granted. You often have to fight to keep this from happening. Our society does not support marriage (or healthy interaction, for that matter) so sometimes, you are having to swim against the tide. I wish I had realized this earlier. It may have saved me from the marital separation that almost cost me my marriage. I had to make (and keep) some drastic changes in order to overhaul and heal my marriage. And yes, for a while, I was trying to depend on my husband for all of my happiness, which was unrealistic. You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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