Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks after they have been given a divorce ultimatum. What I mean by that is that their spouse has told them that if something doesn’t change (and soon,) then the other spouse is going to file for a divorce. This can lead to confusion and sadness. Because sometimes, it’s hard to tell if the request is real and sincere or if the other spouse is only blowing off some steam.

To demonstrate, I might hear a wife who says: “last year, my husband and I had twins. I feel very blessed by this but my husband seems to have non stop complaints. He seems very jealous of the time that I spend with them. I admit that this has been an adjustment for both of us. I always feel like their isn’t any time for anything other than getting the twins’ immediate needs met. I feel like I am doing the best that I can to take care of everyone, but my husband obviously feels like I’m not doing my job well enough. Last night, I finally got them both down for the night. I was exhausted. Of course, as soon as I came to bed, my husband wanted to be intimate. So as soon as we really started to get into it, one of the kids started to wail. My husband urged me to just let him cry to resume what we were doing. But, I couldn’t bring myself to do this. I got up and went to my son and my husband became furious. Once I finally got my son down and came back to bed, my husband informed me that if I didn’t find a way to give him the time he needs, then he’s going to be seeking a divorce. He says that he can’t imagine a lifetime with a spouse who doesn’t have time for him. What should I do? I don’t want a divorce. But, I feel like he’s being a jerk.”

Why It’s Important To Take This Seriously: This is a very common situation. There’s sometimes a very difficult adjustment for a couple once they have children. But this is probably doubly so when you are talking about twins. However, while this is not uncommon, it can be quite a serious threat to a marriage. It can feel unfair and hurtful and as if the husband is only piling on when you have so many other things to deal with. I do understand this, but I have to tell you that you should take this seriously.

Sure once the husband calms down and gets a good night’s sleep, he may drop the issue – until it comes up again. Which it usually does. What is very important to realize is that your husband is verbalizing an issue that is very obviously bothering him so much that he is willing to take the very drastic step of threatening a divorce if this doesn’t change. He likely wouldn’t risk upsetting and hurting you unless this issue was vitally important to him. Therefore, as unfair as it might all feel, it should be vitally important to you.

Striking That Balance: With all of this said, sometimes, what your spouse is asking is unrealistic. There will be times when the children will have to come first, simply because as infants they have immediate needs, while the husband does not. He probably does understand this intellectually. But when he is angry and lashing out, he’s not reacting to his intellectual knowledge, he is acting on frustrated emotions that are now overflowing.

The key then, is to try to establish a routine that works for both of you so that he never gets to the point where he is this angry and frustrated. I know that this can take a lot of juggling when you have small children. And I know that it is hard to think about hiring a sitter or entrusting a family member or friend, even for a few hours, to watch the kids so that you can spend time with your husband. But think about it this way. The greatest gift that you can give your children are loving parents who have a strong marriage. Because it’s relatively common knowledge that people learn how to navigate marriage by watching their own parents’ marriage. So, as hard as it might be to give up those few hours per week, know that you are trading it for a life time of benefits for you and for your children.

I can not stress enough how important it is to make regular time for your spouse and for your marriage. If you can change this one variable, I feel confident that this will help your husband with those demands and those frustrations. Because if he feels that you are at least making an effort to meet both of your needs (even if you fall short sometimes,) then he will no longer need to give you divorce ultimatums. I do realize that it likely feels that you are juggling way to much. And I also realize that both of you are going to have to compromise since no one can get what they want all of the time with young children. But, if he sees that you are making an effort, this may well be good enough. And honestly, things will just naturally improve as your children become older.

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t pay immediate attention when my husband started to make comments that indicated his unhappiness.  It wasn’t until he actually moved out that I began to pay attention.  This made it much harder to save my marriage, although I eventually did. If it helps, you can read about how I turned things around dramatically  on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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