Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who know that their marital problems stem at least partly from their spouse’s anger. This can be extremely difficult when you know that your own actions caused this anger. Even so, these wives often very much want for everything to be OK again. They want to reconcile with their husbands. They want to pick up their marriage where it left off. But it seems as if their husband’s justifiable anger might prevent this from happening.

An example of a comment in this situation is something like: “I made a big mistake that caused my husband to lose his trust in me. I was continuing to hold onto to my old apartment and bank account behind his back. It wasn’t that I thought that our marriage was never going to work or that I would need these things again. It’s just that these things represented my own hard work and independence. I just didn’t want to give them up. In my own mind, I was paying for these things with my own money. I wasn’t staying at the apartment or anything. I wasn’t hoarding the money in the bank account. Nor was I planning to ever withdrawal it. I looked at these things like assets that I had earned and worked hard for in a previous life, so I didn’t want to just give them up or roll them into our joint bank account. Well, my husband was going through some of my files in my office and he found the bank statements. He put this all together and he is furious with me. In his mind, I was using the apartment to meet his boyfriends or something. This isn’t true at all. I haven’t even been back to the apartment since we have been married. I haven’t touched the money. I haven’t even added any money to it. Basically both things are just sitting there. I understand why my husband is angry that I kept these things from him. I’m willing to take responsibility for that. But, I don’t think that this is something that we need to break up over. If it means this much to him, I’ll give these things up. I’ll put the money in our joint account. But he won’t even give me the opportunity to tell him this. He took some of this clothes and he is staying with his brother. He won’t listen to me. I want to reconcile because I feel like this argument is an incredibly silly one. But my husband won’t give me the time of day. How are we ever going to work this out or get back together if he is still this angry with me?”

I know that this situation can make you feel quite panicked and desperate. But I don’t think that it is time to give up hope just yet. With time, anger fades. Perspective reigns. Just because your husband is furious today, this doesn’t mean that he won’t change his mind tomorrow. With this said, there are some things that you can try which may help you bring about a resolution a little more quickly. I’ll discuss some of those things now.

If He’s Getting More And More Angry As You Attempt A Reconciliation, Then Give Him A Bit More Time: Usually, in this type of situation, the wife will try to keep talking and keep explaining. This is understandable because she thinks that if she can just explain one more time, then he will finally understand. But, sometimes, this only makes things worse. Because what he needs is time. And when you interrupt this needed time over and over again in an attempt to explain, then he can become just more and more angry and frustrated. This isn’t doing anything to encourage your progress. So sometimes, you are better off giving one final detailed explanation and then just backing away and giving him his space.

Encouraging Him To Finally Listen: If you find that you are only arguing when you try to explain or if he is interrupting you, then perhaps it’s time to consider writing him a letter or even an email. That way, he can read it when he is calm and ready to hear your message and you do not need to worry about being interrupted. You may just want to explain that you would like one last opportunity to give one last explanation and then you will give him his space.

Don’t go overboard in the letter. Just explain the facts and then state what you want to happen. In other words, explain why you kept the money and apartment and then stress that you never did any of this maliciously or with any attempt to one day come back for these things. Tell your husband that you are willing to work with him so that you are both comfortable with the situation. Then, ask him to give you a chance to make this right. End the letter by telling him that you are going to respect his need for space and that you will be waiting to hear from him, since you don’t want to continue to frustrate him with unwanted communication.

Then, back away a little bit and give him the time to calm down and realize that you didn’t mean to be malicious with this. Allow him to see that you will change the situation if given the chance. But to answer the original question, sometimes, it’s not possible to immediately reconcile when one spouse is furious. That’s why it’s important to be careful, to be patient, and to give your spouse time to calm down.  

It’s important that you state your case in the calmest, most sincere way possible.  I had to use the gradual approach with my own husband.  But he had gone beyond just moving out.  We were actually separated.  Although I was often impatient, it quickly became clear that this was going to be a gradual process.   You can read about how it turned out on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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