Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s very common to fear that when your husband walks out the door and has made it clear that he is exiting the marriage, all is lost. Most wives will assume that this is just the first step of a divorce and the marriage will eventually die a slow death and end. I believe that this does not have to be the case. If you want your husband back (even after he has left), you will have to avoid some behaviors and concentrate heavily on some others. Some of these behaviors and tactics will seem foreign or risky, but in reality, I came to believe that they are the safest, most sensible way to go because they ensure that your husband comes back willingly and that is “on board” with being with you and committed to the marriage.

It may feel like a momentary win if you are able to talk or trick your husband into coming back, but in truth, this is just a short term victory that will often backfire later. In this article, I’ll discuss tips and advice that are meant to help you get your husband to want (with all his heart) to come back and to save the marriage once and for all.

Understand Why He Really Left (Regardless Of What He Is Saying With Words): Often, when women use statements like “well, my husband just left me, now what do I do?” my first question is always to ask for a clearer explanation. Usually, there is silence followed by a whole string of things that “could” be one cause. They will tell me things like: “he says he’s not in love with me anymore,” or “he says it’s not me, it’s him,” or “he won’t tell me anything, just that he doesn’t want to be married anymore.”

Sometimes, the answer appears clear cut, like he’s having an affair or he’s leaving for the other woman. However, regardless of what he is saying with body language or with words, every one of these reasons really comes back to one similar thing – a lack of intimacy and connectedness to his wife.

Some men will be sad about this, but want out all the same. Some men are angry or disappointed. Some men shut down altogether. However, the outcome is always the same – these men have lost the feeling of “being in love” and being intimately connected to their wives and they don’t know how to get it back or they don’t feel that it can rise from the dead again. (Of course, you suspect this isn’t true. So, you have to eventually and gradually show him (very skillfully) the flaw in his thinking.)

What Men Really Want From Their Wives (Although They May Not Even Know It Or Be Able To Explain It): I know that a husband’s lack of explanation and communication can be maddening. I can not tell you how many women tell me “if I knew what he wanted, I’d give it to him, but he won’t tell me, and everything I try backfires.”

Well, believe it or not, men are a lot like us. They usually think they shouldn’t have to tell us, and often, they can’t articulate what they want very effectively. But, I can tell you with complete certainty that many of them want the same things that everyone wants (including us.)

They want to feel deeply loved, completely understood, highly valued, completely competent, greatly appreciated, and that they are absolutely worth your time and attention. They want to have lighthearted fun with you. They want to have a positive, not negative, feelings based on your shared  experiences. They don’t want to have to compete for this with your boss, your aging parents, your children, or your other obligations.

I know this sounds harsh. It is harsh. But, this is the truth as I know it. They want that connection and commitment that they felt when you first fell in love. Please don’t use this information to feel dejected or that it is too late. I’m telling you this because I believe it is not too late, but I believe you have to know what he wants in order to give it to him and to get him back. However, this will take some finesse. (Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way, from experience.) You can’t appear desperate or like you are on a stage reciting dialogue when you do this. So, let’s get to it.

What You Need To Know (And Do) In Any Successful Quest To Get Your Husband Back: So now we know what your husband wants. And, before you take any action, you need to always remember two things. First, you want to always try to appear attractive when you approach (this is not just physical.) And you want to create positive experiences. When I say attractive, I don’t necessarily mean your physical appearance (although you should take this into account and make it the best that it can be.) No, what I mean is that, as I’ve explained, a woman who is most attractive to a man is the one who completely “gets” him and what he is about, but loves him passionately anyway and demonstrates this on a regular basis.

With that said, men do not find women who try too hard or “yes wives” at all attractive. They like interesting, busy, self-confident, and alluring women. It’s a huge ego boost for them to know that a woman who has so much going on is going to take the time and effort for them.  So, how does this work in real life? Like this.

Going Exploring. Looking For Yourself: The best way to show your husband the woman he first fell so hard for is to bring back the attributes that he loved the most. This is a difficult exercise for many women because it is hard to look at yourself in this way. But, I can tell you what men overwhelmingly tell me and this is that they love a woman with a laid-back sense of humor, open heart, and sharp intellect. They love a woman who can take the time to really understand and appreciate them. It’s highly likely that your husband fell in love with someone with a quick wit, a ready smile, and someone who took the time to know what would lighten his load and brighten his day.

Obtaining Access: Now, he’s obviously left, so you don’t have immediate access to him. But, I’ll bet you know where he is or where he is hanging out. However, you don’t just show up there, with this plan in hand. No, first you go out with friends (mutual friends are best) and put a smile on your face. You put your best self on full display with the full intention that he finds out.

After a reasonable amount of time has passed, you bump into him or, if you have to, you arrange a meeting where you need to return something or exchange something. You make sure he knows that the woman he fell in love with is still there and that she is busy and carrying on. You conduct yourself with dignity and respect. You are upbeat, lighthearted, and you are always focused on positive interactions. Eventually, he will hopefully no longer try to avoid you and will likely want to see more of you because this new you is something that is pretty intriguing.

Always let him take the lead and never be the initiator or push too hard. Again, you are the vibrant, woman who would love to save her marriage, but who respects her husband enough to deal with this situation in the most positive way she can, fully confident that this new person he sees will remind him very much of someone he once loved so much that he married her.

After my husband left, I did not understand these principles and I went about saving the marriage in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and I changed direction. This eventually worked. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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