Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you’re reading this article, chances are you’re frantically researching how you can get your marriage back on track or save it from divorce. It doesn’t matter why. Whether you have children, know that divorce can be emotionally and financially difficult, or just believe that marriage should be forever, some steps will help you preserve your marriage (and some steps will take you further away from your goal.)

What You Should Not Do To Save Your Marriage: First, we’ll discuss what not to do. It’s perfectly natural to panic when the words divorce, separate, or break up are muttered. This kind of talk hurts badly and it’s understandable to want to stop it right away at any cost. It’s very common to try to reason with, entice, threaten, beg, stalk, or bombard your partner with letters, text messages, and phone calls in an attempt to change their mind. I know that my husband could’ve very easily accused me of stalking when he wanted a divorce. I just figured the more he saw of me, the more he would understand how much this was hurting me and the higher the chance he would change his mind.

Wrong. All this did was drive him away more and just reinforced in his mind that I was the type of needy person from which he wanted to steer clear. The very hard truth is when a divorce or breakup is on the horizon, one partner has, (at least in some way), found the other undesirable. If you act irrationally, desperate, or unstable, you are only going to prove to your partner that their decision is probably correct and that your behavior is as they suspected. Yes, this could be wrong. Yes, the breakup may not even be your fault and it may be your spouse that is acting incorrectly, but it doesn’t matter because the results are the same. To quote Dr. Phil, “Would you rather be right or be happy?”

What You Must Do To Save Your Marriage: The most common reason for divorce is a loss of intimacy. Yes, infidelity, money problems, or disagreements may be a symptom of, or stimulus for, this lack of intimacy or closeness, but it all boils down to the same thing. To feel bonded and close to someone, you need to see the good qualities of or in them. Generally, they are a person that you like, respect, are drawn to, and desperately want to spend more time with. Be honest. Are you (as you are now) at least similar to the person your spouse first fell in love with?

You are right if you are thinking this is not a fair question. Because I know your spouse is not the same either and I know that now you probably have stress, responsibility, and maybe kids are thrown into this mix. These scenarios that make being happy-go-lucky and light-hearted a tad bit difficult. But, to save your marriage, you need to present this person that your spouse thinks has gone away for good and reintroduce this person back to your spouse.

How hard or easy this is will depend greatly on the current state of your relationship. If you and your partner aren’t speaking, this may take some time. Also, this “new you” has to be a conclusion your partner comes to on his or her own. You can’t go running up to your partner declaring you’ve changed or the circumstances are different and, doesn’t he like the new you? Nope. If the change rings planned or fake, it is going to backfire miserably (which it did for me at first) and you’re going to have to work even harder.

Here’s the real key and it can be tough, but it is necessary. You need to ensure and work on your own happiness. This is what makes the change genuine and this is how it will work. Dust off your old albums and CDs. Pursue an old hobby. Go out with old friends. Become the busy, engaging, passionate, always learning person your partner loved, but don’t tell your partner you’re doing it.

I’d be willing to bet this will at least generate some marital interest or curiosity and will set the stage for a return of intimacy down the road.

I know that although all of the above sounds simple, it really isn’t. In the end, I saved my marriage through research, learning new skills, and dumb luck. You can read more by clicking here or visiting http://www.isavedmymarriage.com/