Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Recently, I sometimes receive emails asking, “how to get my husband to come back home.”  The situations described in these emails are different.  Sometimes, the couples have had a huge argument and the husband has left the house in anger. Sometimes, the couple have been fighting over a long period of time and the husband just wants “a break.” Sometimes, the couple is in the midst of a trial separation. And, sometimes, the couple has begun or is going through divorce proceedings. Whatever the situation though, there are some things that you should do (and also shouldn’t do) to achieve your goal in getting your husband back home.  I will discuss these things in this article.

First, Don’t Act In Such A Way Or Do Things That Are Going To Push Your Husband Further Away From Home: Often when a husband walks out the door, emotions run extremely high on both sides. It’s very common to feel that the clock is ticking because the longer your husband is no longer living under your same roof, the harder it is going to be to get him back home.  I understand this logic, but if there is anything positive about a break from one another, it is that it allows the high tension to subside.  So, don’t interfere with this process by allowing your emotions or your panic to let you get carried away or to react badly.

Some women will make the grave mistake of acting in such a way that it just adds more negative emotions to an already bad situation.  They try to make their husbands feel guilty. They use their children as bait or as a bargaining chip. They try to strong-arm their husbands or insinuate that their husbands or being selfish, hasty, or ridiculous.

Or, they will take things to the other extreme and they will degrade themselves by begging, following, texting, and generally making a nuisance of themselves and not allowing the break to do the needed job of calming down the situation.

It’s so easy to give in to these emotions. I know because I made these same mistakes when I was panicking and wanting my husband back home desperately.  But, these things only hurt my marriage rather than helping it.  One way to avoid getting caught up in this is to ask yourself (before you act) if what you are thinking about doing is going to elevate or degrade.

When You Interact With Your Husband, Show Him A Woman Who Is Strong, Capable, And Who Has Self Respect: Often, you will see or be in contact with your husband when he is away from home.  Many women make the mistake of then trying to make their husbands feel guilty by telling them how hard it is to cope, how much you miss them, or how angry you are that he is doing this to you.  But, think about what you doing. Are you contributing to more negative emotions? Are you focusing only on yourself and not on him?  Are your actions communicating to him that he is wrong to want to be happy or to want a better situation?

Instead, it is much better to show him concern about HIM.  (Yes, this is a bit of reverse psychology.) Ask him how he is faring.  Tell him you are available to talk or support him.  Repeat that you want him to be happy and you are committed to making things better. He may not take you up on this at first (as he may not believe you), but you’ve put it out there and he may remember this in the days to come as to tension starts to abate.

Although you may not feel like it right now, it’s very important to focus on yourself.  When your husband (or someone with whom he is in contact) sees you, you want them to see someone who is upbeat, loving, strong, and emotionally stable.  You can’t project this is you’re really a mess.  Get out and try to put some happiness and peace in your life (and make sure this gets back to your husband). The idea is that you are a vibrant, competent, self-respecting woman who is not dependent on him for your happiness.  These traits are very attractive to a husband and they are likely to generate a bit of curiosity.

Simply put, confidence and competence are attractive.  Make sure you are projecting this instead of someone who just can’t make it without someone else.

Don’t Jump The Gun Or Focus On The Problems Until You’re Back On Solid Ground: Often, the things that I’ve just mentioned will work well,  at least somewhat, but many women make the mistake of moving too fast and jumping the gun.  Once their husbands start to be receptive to them again, they will then want to “work through” their problems or ask the husband for all sorts of reassurances and commitments that he may not be ready to give.  (Remember the competent, self-respecting woman we’ve discussed? Don’t abandon her as soon as things start to get better.)  Many times when you tell your husband you want to “work on your marriage,” at least to him, you sound like the teacher on Charlie Brown and all he hears is “work.”  It’s better to focus on restoring the strong, positive feelings between you.  It may well take some time until your marriage is strong enough to pick it apart and discuss the hard issues.  Yes, you will need to address the problems that keep rearing their ugly heads, but you shouldn’t even go there until you’re both somewhat committed.

So, at this point, I often have women say,” I’m completely on board with this.  I know you are right, but my husband won’t see me, take my calls, etc.”  Well, it’s possible that the reason he hasn’t been communicating with you is probably because he has had a negative experience every time he has tried to, so your job is to let him now that this will no longer be the case.  The best way to do this is to let “the new you” slip to him through mutual friends, but if you have to, you can “accidentally run into him.”  The last resort is writing a letter, but many men will resist this unless you can pull it off flawlessly.

When my husband moved out, I made many of the mistakes I described in this article. I stalked, and begged, threatened, and acted very badly. What a shock.  These things didn’t endear me to my husband.  But I picked myself up and eventually saved my marriage. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com/