Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often write about rescuing marriages.  One question that I get quite a bit is: “Is my marriage really over?  Is this really the end?” Although every case is going to be different, I can tell you right now that, even without knowing anything about you or your spouse, my first response would be to say no.  How do I know this? Because you’re here.  You are reading this article.  You’ve obviously cared enough about this question to seek out information and educate yourself in an attempt to make this situation better, and that is a very good sign. My answer would be the opposite if you were completely indifferent about your marriage and its end, but I don’t believe you are.

My stance on this question has always been if at least one spouse is not yet completely indifferent then there are some unresolved issues on the table, things left unsaid, and cards yet to be played that just might change the outcome.  So, assuming that, at least for you, the marriage is not yet entirely over, I will offer tips and questions meant to prompt you to take the action that could save your marriage.

Have You Kept The Feelings, Discussions, And Exchanges Positive? I can tell you that, without a doubt, the most common mistake that couples make when distance appears, or talks of separation, serious problems, or taking a break begin, they allow all sorts of negative emotions to explode and make the situation worse.

Let’s think about this for a second as an observer.  Take yourself out of the equation and consider that if your marriage has gotten to a place where you wonder “if it’s really over?” then there must be a lot of negative feelings and misunderstandings between you.  Probably when your spouse thinks of you right now, there may be frustration instead of happiness, and a distance rather than closeness.

So, when you are negotiating discussions about your marriage, it’s status, and ways that you can fix it, so many of us make the grave mistake of once again focusing on the negative –  hurtful things that have taken place, times we’ve been wronged, how we’ve been disappointed, etc. and we then place the blame or point out all of the problems and the ways we’ve been let down.

Again, we’re thinking about this as a third party observer.  If someone was giving you a laundry list of all of the problems to which you contributed how would you feel about this person? Would you feel closer or further away from them?  Would you want to participate in more of this or escape it?  Would you feel like the person, (in continuing to point out why you are wrong and repeatedly trying to change your mind) really respects you, your feelings, and your right to be happy?

I don’t ask these questions to frustrate you or make you feel guilty, I promise.  I’m just trying to show you things from your partner’s point of view.  So many people just give their partner more of the same when negotiating the marriage.  When you give more of the same you will get what you have always gotten.  And, if your marriage is in trouble, this isn’t at all what you want.

A Better Plan If You Don’t Want Your Marriage To Be “Really Over”: So, if you want to save your marriage (even if it seems to be over), you’re going to want to approach your partner as someone who wants to work with them together to make things better. You need to explain to them that their individual happiness and your contentment as a couple and a family is your highest priority.  Look them right in the eye and tell them that you are committed to helping both of you get what you need in the relationship.

It’s usually helpful to see if you can get your spouse to explain to you why they are unhappy or frustrated. Try to dig a little deeper when they give you vague statements like “I’m just not happy,”  “I just don’t love you anymore,” or “I just want out.”  Ask them what things have contributed to these feelings and then calmly repeat back what they said and ask if you are understanding them correctly. (Note: you’re not wanting to make them uncomfortable here. You don’t want any more negative feelings. If they appear resistant, stop and wait for a better time.)

Usually, whether they can say it or not, most people think they want to end a marriage because it is no longer generating positive feelings in them about themselves.  Yes, you read that right.  It’s often not really about money problems or some other crisis.  It’s often totally about a loss of intimacy and the generation of positive feelings.

When a person “falls in love,” it’s because the other person has poured huge amounts of care and time into the relationship. This sort of mega attention makes the recipient feel attractive, smart, funny, and alive.  Over time, we spend less and less time on this because, frankly, we have a life and we have responsibilities that we can’t escape.

But, this doesn’t keep our spouse from feeling let down when this happens. Eventually, intimacy and closeness wear away and then it becomes so much easier to let the little things (that would’ve have mattered when you were dating) begin to matter very much.

So how do you counter this? You begin to show your spouse that things are changing with your actions. You want every interaction with them to be a positive one.  This doesn’t mean you are “giving in.” It means that you want to be happy. You shouldn’t be absolutely obvious about this though because your spouse will think you are aren’t genuine and no one likes to be manipulated.

So, When Is A Marriage Really Over? I have many people tell me, “OK, this makes sense, but I think it is too far gone.” I’ll usually hear something like “my husband has already moved on,” or “my husband hates me”, or “my husband won’t even take my calls.”

These things can be frustrating, but they don’t necessarily mean the end either.  If emotions are still running high (even if they are negative and strong emotions) it means you haven’t reached the point of no return yet. It may take a while with your exhibiting new positive actions and communications before your spouse starts to trust that they no longer have to escape all of the negativity.

Don’t try to move too fast. They are going to have to develop this trust on their own.  Basically you are building something new, with each positive thing building upon the other so that in the end, you have a more stable, sound, and completely transformed relationship defined by positive feelings and actions rather than negative ones.

A few years ago, I was sure my marriage was over (because my husband was sure he wanted a divorce.) Although deep down, I did want to save the marriage, I made many mistakes that almost caused it to end for good. Thankfully, I finally realized where I was going wrong and was able to change course and save the marriage. You can read my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/