Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Since I often write about saving a marriage (even when you are the only one who wants to), I am often contacted by people (usually wives, but sometimes even husbands) who ask me “when to end a marriage.”  This is obviously quite a loaded question, but with a little follow up, I am usually able to determine that they really want to know some sort of variation of the following questions: “When is a marriage really over?;” “Is my marriage too far gone to save it?;” “Is my marriage worth saving?”; and “Is there some sort of cut off point when a marriage reaches the point of no return?”  In this article, I will try to answer these questions for you and offer you some tips to ponder to help you to decide if your marriage is really at its natural end. (Hint, in my opinion, most are not.)

How Do I Know That It May Not Be Time To End Your Marriage?: So, how can I say, without even knowing your circumstances, that it’s quite possible that it is not yet time to cut your losses? Because you’ve found this article.  That means that right now you are researching ending or saving marriages.  This tells me that you are at a crossroads or not exactly one hundred percent sure that divorce or separating is the right decision for you.  If you have taken the initiative to educate yourself further, this tells me that you also have the imitative to take some steps to at least explore rescuing the marriage or at least ending it in a positive way, which is a very good sign.

That being said, there are very few circumstances where I think it is healthiest to end things once and for all.  These are relationships in which verbal or physical abuse are present and, despite efforts to change this, it doesn’t change.  I can not in good faith counsel anyone to stay in a marriage where they are being physically or mentally damaged and hurt day in and day out with no relief in sight.

If this is not your situation, then here are some things to consider in deciding whether to end your marriage or to save it.

There Are Still Strong Feelings Between You (Positive Or Negative) Or Conflicting Feelings Swinging Back And Forth: Often I hear from married folks who feel that perhaps there are the point where the marriage is going to end because the husband and wife are just fighting all of the time, or there are often periods of fighting and then making up, or there has been a stressful situation in which strong negative feelings have soured the marriage (money issues, infidelity, illness, etc.)

Almost always, I can detect very strong emotions in these folks. They may be completely angry at their spouse or they may be horribly hurt.  Or, they may be sad and empty because they feel that their husbands or wives don’t love them anymore.

However, what I am often looking for (and hardly ever find) is indifference.  Because when a marriage is one hundred percent and completely and totally over, the parties are typically indifferent.  The marriage is, in essence, dead and they don’t care one way or another. They aren’t angry anymore.  They aren’t hurt anymore.  They just want to cut their losses and move on because they know there are really no unresolved issues left to work out.

This is rarely the case that is presented to me though. Instead, the parties are feeling very strong emotions because in their hearts they know there are unresolved issues or things left unsaid and unresolved (and they still care very much about this – whether they want to admit it or not.) Often, deep down, you subconsciously know that you are leaving some things on the table that if you just brought into the light, it may make a real difference.  But often, people are so afraid of being vulnerable and so afraid of rejection that they would rather cut their losses than take a risk (which might just pay off.)

When Must You End A Marriage Because It Is Too Late To Save It?: Often people will read my articles and then tell me things like, “I wish I had read the article sooner.  I may have been able to work things out with my husband then, but now it is too late because my husband is … (either really mad, not speaking to me, has or is going to move out, wants a trial separation, etc. etc, fill in the blank).

My question to them is usually “yes, but you are both still alive, right?” Because if you’re both still here, still accessible and even one person wants to work it out, and you both aren’t indifferent to the other, then in my experience there is always hope. Because it’s highly likely that one or both of you held something back for fear of rejection.  Or, perhaps one or both or you lacked communication skills which would have contributed to your spouse understanding your sincerity.  Or maybe there is something that you thought you couldn’t move past, but now, with the threat of your marriage ending, you may decide that perhaps you can.

So few issues in marriage (other than abuse) definitely mean the end. Communication, give and take, patience, and sincerity can go a very long way in healing if the cards are played right and you don’t hold back or leave things or gestures unsaid or untried (at the right time, of course.)

So, to answer the question “when to end a marriage?,” my answer would be that if you are asking me that question, you are not there yet.  If you were truly ready to end your marriage for good, you would absolutely know it and your indifference would probably mean you were no longer searching for answers online.

Years ago, I was sure my marriage was over.  But deep down, I did want to save it.  However, my panic and defense mechanisms caused me to make mistakes that almost caused it to end for good. Thankfully, I finally realized where I was going wrong and I am still married. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com