Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often write about strengthening your marriage, returning a marriage to an intimate place, and preventing divorce.  Recently, I received an email from a woman who asked me if I would share with her “how to make my husband love me again.”  Well, this is somewhat of a loaded question, but most wives in this situation want a few different things: 1. She wants to restore intimacy and closeness in her marriage. 2. She wants to feel that her husband understands, cherishes, and appreciates her. And, she wants to feel desired, loved, and wanted by her husband again.

Many wives confide they had not felt these things coming from their husbands in a long while and this contributed to distance and arguments. Many feel that they are so far apart from one another that they are scared a divorce or separation is on the horizon. So, for everyone in the same situation, this article will discuss ways to encourage behavior that will contribute to your husband loving you again (although he probably loves you now, but the situation is keeping this from coming out – which I’ll discuss later).

It May Be Hard To Believe, But He Likely Still Has Loving Feelings Toward You: First, I’d like for you to understand that it’s very likely that your husband does still love you. Although “falling out of love” is a phrase that is often used for a stale marriage, often what it really means is that he has “fallen out of love” with the state of the marriage. When a husband pulls away from you, emotionally checks out, or gives you vague statements like, “I just don’t feel like I used to,” etc., he is telling you the truth as he knows it.

But, men are not very good at accurately interpreting and then communing what they are feeling. Often times, what they are REALLY feeling and what they REALLY mean is that the relationship is no longer eliciting positive feelings about themselves – yes, themselves (That’s not a typo).

Consider The Feelings That Are At The Forefront Right Now And Consider What Has Been Lost: Think for a minute about when you first met your husband – back to when you were both trying to impress and grow closer to the other.  You both likely out your best foot forward and deeply cared about the experience each person had when you were together. You probably put a great deal of thought and effort into ways to make him feel and understand how much his well being and positive feelings mattered to you (and I’ll bet he did the same (as much as he was capable) for you). I’ll bet you both listened intently when the other talked.  And maybe left notes or gifts for one another. And probably initiated intimate and loving gestures and glances that left no doubt as to how you felt.

The results were likely a strong relationship in which both partners felt wanted, desired, understood, attractive, interesting, and competent.  These are the things that make a man feel that he is on top of the world and contribute to his “falling in love.” So, understand that when he says (or you think) your husband doesn’t love you anymore – that’s often not right or inaccurate.  Often, he’s instead mourning the loss of the relationship that made him feel so very good about himself and he doesn’t know how to get that back.

Examine Any Prior Strategies:  Are They Pushing Away The Loving Feelings?: So, knowing this, what can you do now? First, I need to describe how so many women react when they are trying to “make” their husbands love them again. Usually, one of two things are going to happen. In one scenario, the wife will go on the defensive.  In not so many words (and sometimes through her actions) she will be communicating something like: “What’s wrong with you?;” or  “Is this how you treat your children’s mother?”

In essence, she is trying to strong-arm, guilt, or convince her husband that he is wrong and just needs to straighten up and fly right.  And, she could well be right with her intentions. But, do you know what the husband is thinking and hearing? He’s hearing that his wife does not care enough to listen to what he is really saying. He thinks his wife is really saying his feelings don’t matter or his concerns aren’t valid. And, as a result, he’s going to distance himself (and close himself off from you) that much more.

The other extreme to this behavior is a wife who will try to “prove” to her husband that he should still love her or she will try to overcompensate. She’ll become a “yes” woman – bowing to her husband’s every whim and acting in such a compromising way that she may secretly resent the fact that she thinks she’s doing all of the work and making all of the concessions. She will think that if she “shows” him just how nice she is and how much she loves him, he will come to his senses. But, this tactic is flawed too.  Because your husband will know that you’re playing games and he will not respect your willingness to compromise your own wants, feelings, and needs.  How attractive is someone who is not genuine or true to themselves? Not very. (Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way.)

An Important, Deliberate Conversation: So what is the best way to approach this? First, you lay it out on the table. You tell your husband that you are feeling a distance in your marriage and you miss the closeness and intimacy that you both once enjoyed.  Ask him directly if he would be receptive to improving your marriage.  Many men will balk at this because all they are hearing is the word “work.” That’s perfectly OK.  All you’re trying to do here is to communicate to your husband that you personally would like to make some positive changes.

Show, Don’t Tell: Ideally, you are going to show them, (with your actions) that you’re not really talking about work.  You’re talking about changes that he is probably going to like. The bottom line is this.  Define what you are missing in your relationship. If you want more affection from your husband, show more GENUINE affection to him (no game playing here or putting on a show.)If you want more appreciation, let him know you appreciate him.

Now, you may be reading this and thinking that you are the one who’s going to be making all of the changes and doing all of the work.  But, understand that you’re likely going to be rewarded for your efforts ten-fold. Because if you can restore the positive feelings that your relationship once elicited in your husband about himself, he is going to return all of the love you feel you are missing. A wife who can make her husband feel understood and desirable is probably going to be a wife who gets all of these things back.

At this point, many wives will tell me that they are receptive to these techniques, but they think the marriage is too far gone to try them. I often hear things like “my husband won’t even notice,” or “my husband is just going to look at me funny.” Well, that might be true at first, but you can’t give up.  If you are genuinely and convincingly giving him what you know he ultimately wants, I suspect that in time he will return the favor.

How did I learn this? Because I participated in many of the tactics I just warned you against. Thankfully, I was able to restore my husband’s love and not only save the marriage, but make it stronger. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com