Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s probably not a surprise to anyone that emotions run high during a marital separation. It can be quite an adjustment for both spouses, and therefore, people can be unsure as to how they feel or what they want.

But that doesn’t mean that some people aren’t still invested in saving their marriage. Oftentimes, one spouse is really hoping to reconcile, while the other just isn’t sure or is open about the fact that they no longer feel the same romantic feelings. Not surprisingly, the spouse who wants to reconcile can be devastated by this change. 

She might say, “Honestly, I’ve had to force my husband to spend time with me during our trial separation. I admit that I am needy. But I’m so scared that we are going to end up divorced. So yes, I want a lot of reassurance. Today when I was with my husband, he was very cold. So I tried to get him to connect with me, and I guess I annoyed him with this one too many times because he blurted out, ‘I don’t even know if I love you anymore.’ So I replied, ‘Not at all?’ And he basically said he doesn’t know what he feels anymore. But he knows his feelings aren’t what they should be. I don’t know what to do with this. It’s like my worst fear is happening. I had hoped that he would realize that he loves me after all since he is away from me. But it seems the opposite has happened. And I don’t know how to make him love me anymore since he never wants to see me. I am starting to fear that all my hopes for us are just pipe dreams that I made up in my own mind because it is what I wanted, but it is definitely not what he wanted, and I’m devastated.”

I understand how bad this must feel. Although my husband never bluntly told me he didn’t love me when we were separated, his actions did the talking for him. There were long periods when he seemed to want absolutely nothing to do with me. And when I made the mistake of coming on too strong to try to nudge him to pay attention to me or give me any encouragement at all, he became angry and it only made things worse. So I understand how your husband’s behavior can feel like a rejection and how badly that can sting.

Things Can and Do Change. And People Can Be Mistaken:  Although I understand the pain of this, I also know something else. People say things that they think are true that aren’t necessarily true. Or, sometimes they say things that, while true at the time, also change in time.  

Frankly, my husband may have fallen out of love with me and not felt much for me during our separation, but he loves me now. Things changed. We made progress and therefore, his feelings evolved or he remembered how he felt all along. I’m not exactly sure how it happened because they were his feelings. But he went from avoiding me every chance he got to moving back home and recommitting to our marriage. So yes, I certainly believe that a separated husband’s feelings can change as things improve in your separation.

See the Opportunities. Not the Setbacks: Don’t give up. I know it is easy to become discouraged, but don’t allow this to make you panic or become overly desperate so that you make the same mistakes I did and make it worse. Try to tell yourself that this is early in the process. You still have time to gradually try different things to see if you can make some improvements.

You can also implement changes on your own so that when he does come around, you’ll be a stronger, better version of yourself. People often doubt that things you can do by yourself will make much difference, but they can. Because I had so much time to spend on my own, I took inventory of where I contributed to the souring of our marriage. There was plenty of blame to go around, but I was ready to own up to my fair share and then I tackled the issues that I could control.

Of course, there were plenty of things we needed to tackle together, but that had to be put on hold until my husband was willing. So while I was waiting, it finally occurred to me that there was plenty I could do on my own. And my efforts did make a difference.

It may help to focus on yourself right now and give your husband time. If you are constantly underfoot, he won’t have the time to miss you or realize the weight of your absence. Sometimes, it is wise to let him call you or at least let him wonder why you are taking a break from calling him. 

Don’t Let Uncertainty Become an Inciting Issue: I know that when you are separated, sometimes the last thing you want to do is to give it time. I know that what we all want is a quick resolution and the relief of knowing that we are going to stay married and aren’t going to get divorced.  

But what we have to understand is that the person who initiated the separation often isn’t sure of their feelings. So they’re going to take the time they need to evaluate. They’re likely in no hurry because they want to make sure they get it right. Trying to rush them will likely only make the process take longer. 

I know this is hard, and I know that living with uncertainty is very stressful. But unfortunately, you can’t make someone else do something. You can only create an environment that eventually encourages them to do something. And that is not impossible to do when you take it one step at a time and work methodically. But to work like that, you have to be focused and not panicked.

I know that’s easier said than done.  But when I was able to do this, things changed in my separation.  A shift happened in my husband.  And that was the beginning of him coming back.  You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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