Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who have decided to try an alternative strategy in order to save their marriage. Often, their spouse has already shown quite a bit of resistance to any strategy that includes trying to entice or engage him into saving the marriage. In fact, often the other spouse doesn’t seem all that interested in or loving toward the other.

So when it becomes clear that focusing on the feelings or on reaching out to your spouse isn’t going to work, then many people will consider using tough love or the “absence makes the heart grow fonder strategy.” I think that it’s very brave and progressive to consider this strategy from the very beginning. I didn’t turn to what I call the backing off  strategy until it became clear that I had no other choice. My husband was so tired of me continuing to reach out to him when he’d been very clear about the need for time. It got to a point where he was avoiding me and rejecting me so much that I had to cut off contact for a while or face the threat of completely losing him.

Common concerns are comments like: “for months my husband has been telling me that he wants to separate. I begged him to reconsider. I love my husband and ending my marriage is the last thing that I want. I have offered to make some changes in our lives and in our relationship. I’ve offered many concessions. I have suggested counseling. But nothing really seems to work all that well. Because no matter what I say, his response to me is that he wants some space and distance and that he is probably going to want a formal separation because he has his doubts if our marriage is salvageable. After thinking about this for quite some time, I decided that I would rather be proactive and leave him instead of just waiting for him to leave me. I have some friends who will allow me to stay with them for as long as I need to. I’ve decided that I’m going to leave and not contact my husband. I am hoping that this will show him that he has taken me for granted and that he has been unreasonable about our marriage. In short, I am hoping that this will scare him a bit and make him miss me. But some of our mutual friends say that I am taking a big risk. They say that there’s a chance that he will be angry instead. Who is right? Will a spouse miss you if you don’t contact him?”

Backing Off Does Make Sense In Some Circumstances: I can certainly understand this wife’s thought process. Like myself, it had become obvious to her that trying to appeal to her husband’s sense of nostalgia and commitment just wasn’t cutting it. No matter what she did, he was still restless and unhappy. So, after trying to be accommodating with no success, it can be tempting to try a drastic and opposite strategy.

And I do believe that giving your spouse space can work very well. Once I finally accepted this, it improved my situation dramatically. My husband was completely avoiding me. But once I was no longer as accessible, he was suddenly not only receptive, but almost in pursuit.

Be Careful Not To Take It Too Far: With all of this said, I believe that some people take the “backing off” concept a bit too far when they start to talk about having no contact at all. Some spouses might think that just abruptly leaving with little or no explanation is cold or even irresponsible. And instead of a spouse who misses you and suddenly realizes how wonderful you are, you might have a spouse who is furious with you because he’s thinking about how selfish and irresponsible he thinks that you are.

To me, the best way to approach this is to be somewhat upfront but then to back away and give him his space. I didn’t think that it was a bad idea for this wife to go and stay with friends since she had already tried every thing in her power to gain her husband’s cooperation and nothing else was working. But just abruptly leaving with no contact whatsoever (even to let him know she was OK) was probably taking it a bit too far.

I’d suggest perhaps having a conversation or leaving a note to the effect of: “since we don’t seem to be gaining any ground in terms of our marriage and it’s clear to me that you want some space and some time apart, I’m going to give that to you. In order to give you the space to evaluate where you want to go from here, I’m going to back away for a while. I just want for you to know that I’m fine and here if you need me. But I’m going to take some time for myself as well.”

Once you’ve been upfront and honest, then that is the time to back away and do exactly what you have promised – give him some time and space. And I know that this can be the most difficult part. That’s why it can really help if you’re staying with friends and family who can distract you and keep you busy. The last thing that you want to do is to isolate yourself and dwell on waiting to hear from him. Allow your friends and family to care for you and to enjoy being with you. If this gets back to your husband, that’s OK because you’ve told him that you’re going to take this time for yourself anyway.  Sometimes, him knowing that you are coping just fine and that you are getting out with an upbeat attitude is a good thing.

I can’t promise you that this strategy is going to one hundred percent make him miss you, but I can tell you that when it’s carried our correctly, I believe that it has a reasonably high success rate. The key is to be convincing, sincere, and upfront. You really do want to give him the space and you really do want to work on yourself and remain positive. Because all of these things are likely to make you appear more attractive to him. It is human nature to value something more highly when it is not as readily available.

As I alluded to, I used this strategy myself with success.   But, I was always upfront about the fact that I was still committed to my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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