Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives have a list of strategies that want to try to get their husbands to come back once he’s left for a break or separation. Many of them hope that this experiment of him being away will be short-lived. They hope that their husband will quickly see that being on his own is not as wonderful as he’d assumed. However, this hope doesn’t always come to fruition as planned. Many husbands seem to feel as if they’ve been given a hall pass to do exactly as they like – and of course, that is attractive – especially at first.

But, understandably, wives often wonder how long a husband’s seemingly happy new existence will move closer to reality. They hope that one day soon, he will look around and realize what he’s missing – and what he’s losing out on by being willingly absent.

A wife might say, “I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging on myself or that I’m denying any role in our separation, but even my husband has admitted that this is all his doing. He has repeatedly told me that I’ve been a good spouse and that I’ve done nothing wrong. He’s even gone so far as to say if anything, I’m too perfect. My husband’s friends tell me that he is crazy to separate from me. Even his mother has said the same. My husband has told me in the past that I am too good for him, but I don’t agree. He sells himself short. However, there is no denying that we are not living together because he got restless and decided ‘to see’ how he would feel on his own. I can’t really come up with a concrete reason that we are apart other than the fact that he isn’t sure our marriage is what he wants anymore. We never fight. We pretty much agree about important issues and have similar backgrounds. I’d call this a midlife crisis, but that might be simplifying matters. Still, I find myself hoping that my husband will come to his senses soon and will wake up and see everything that he is risking losing. I know that he loves me, and he has built a life with me. We have wonderful children. We’ve built a beautiful home. We are members of a close community and church. And he has now put all that on hold. It is hard for me to believe that he won’t regret it. Is there any chance at all that he’ll realize all that he’s losing and he’ll want to keep it so he will come home?

There’s every chance of this. In my experience, it can go either way. And although, statistically speaking, the longer he is away, the harder it can be to get him home, there is always an exception to this. My separation lasted for much longer than I anticipated, and friends and family had truly given up on us.  And they suggested that I give up as well.  Thank goodness I didn’t. I can’t tell you that my husband miraculously just had this type of realization one day. It didn’t happen like that for me, but I do know a few people who had this happen.

That said, why not try to improve your chances of this happening by trying to sway the circumstances in your favor? Below, I’ll suggest some ways that may help you do this.

Understand How Much Judgement And Pressure He May Feel: I know that this is going to be a touchy subject. And I am not insinuating that you have done anything wrong. You haven’t. But I do want to share an issue that I see coming up over and over again. The husband will often tell the wife that the separation is about him and not her. He’ll praise his wife and freely admit that he admires and loves her, but he still isn’t sure he wants to be with her. And he’s well aware that everyone is disappointed in him and in his decision. He’s aware that everyone is worried about his kids, and wondering what is wrong with him. And frankly, this hurts him. It makes him feel NEGATIVE feelings when he thinks of his family, and about where he wants to go moving forward.

And how do people react to negative feelings? They AVOID in response. They back away. And when a separated husband backs away, he begins to distance himself even more – lessening the chance that you make progress toward a reconciliation.

I know what you may be thinking, “well this leaves me in a no-win situation. Am I just supposed to pretend that everything is fine? And that I don’t want him home as soon as possible?” No, I would never suggest that. Your husband would know this isn’t true anyway.

But what I’d encourage you to do is to take down any pressure – obvious or overt. As much as you are hurting, don’t make your pain and fear the sole things you’re focusing on when you are together or when you speak. He needs to know that you are capable and okay, even if you’d change things. Make time with your kids still fun, still uplifting, still lighthearted. Always stress that no matter what happens, you are always going to be a family.

If he can have a good time when you are together, then he’s likely to increase the time he spends with you, which means you will increasingly have chances to make progress. You need access to reconcile, and he will give you that access when he doesn’t feel guilty or reckless when he is around you.

Perfection Is Not The Goal, Progress Is: Being described as perfect in a relationship is often a compliment, but it can backfire sometimes in this scenario. When a husband feels like a disappointment, having a perfect wife and the expectations of a perfect marriage can create a scenario where he feels that he’s not good enough. Again, this may cause him to avoid you and the marriage to escape these negative feelings.

This doesn’t mean that you have to lower your standards or pretend to be someone you are not. But when he makes statements to the effect of you’ve done nothing wrong, or he knows your perfect, take the opportunity to tell him that no one, and no relationship, is perfect. Be willing to assume that, even if he’s not admitting it, there are always underlying issues that can use some work. Any marriage can use extra attention and care, and giving it the same only benefits all parties.

Don’t Focus On Loss. Focus on Gain: A marriage is only as happy as its unhappiest member. That is why it’s vital that your husband feels content and comfortable within it. Yes, he’s going to lose things if you divorce – a lot of things. But placing the focus on this once again brings about negative feelings and avoidance. Instead, focus on what he gains if you work some things out. He gets his family and his supportive home life back. But even better, he gets the new and improved version – the version that is going to make him happy and less restless.

As I alluded to, I had to use a good deal of finesse to get my husband back.  I had to learn to flip things so the positive was on full display.  That story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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