Will My Husband Come Back If I Wait Patiently For Him?
By: Leslie Cane: Some wives want to be faithful and patient while they are waiting for their separated husband to come back home. They hope that if they don’t pressure him and try to be supportive, he will eventually appreciate this and come back.
But a wife might have this concern: “my husband left me four months ago. He’s often reluctant to take my calls. We hardly ever see one another because he avoids me. My mother says that I should let him come to me. She says if I just give him some space and patiently wait, he will come back. Is she right? It’s hard to have this kind of faith when he’s not doing anything to show me any encouragement.” I will try to address these concerns as the following article.
Backing Off Can Be Helpful, But Waiting Passively Usually Isn’t: I often agree that backing off and giving your husband some space can be a good idea. However, just sitting at home and passively waiting for your husband to come back is, in my opinion, not the best idea. It weakens your position and paints you as someone who has nothing better to do than sit at home and wait for someone else.
You can back off without passively waiting. There’s nothing wrong with letting him come to you, but when you do, you should also be working on yourself and keeping yourself active and busy. Sometimes, your husband will wonder what you are up to and may reach out to you. And when he does, it’s important that it’s obvious that you’re not just idly sitting around waiting for him to come back. There’s a big difference between giving him space while hoping he will come back and appearing to not having any other options so that you appear dependent on the fact that he will.
It Will Benefit You To Work On The Issues That Lead To Him Leaving In The First Place: It’s very easy to feel helpless while you are waiting for him to decide when, or if, he’s coming back. But, it’s important that you’re not being passive during this time. There is usually plenty that you can do to improve yourself and your situation. One possibility is working on any issues that caused him to leave in the first place. Many wives will respond this with something like “but our marital problems were joint issues so I can’t work on this on my own unless he’s willing to work with me.” This isn’t entirely true. It’s optimal if he agrees to cooperate, but it’s not always necessary. There are usually some things that you can do on your own. You can go to individual counseling or you can educate yourself on changes that you can make to or within yourself to strengthen your marriage.
People often have their doubts about individual changes, but I firmly believe that changing just yourself, your own perceptions, your behaviors, and your reactions can drastically change your marriage, even if are the only one making the changes and even if you are the only one aware of those same changes.
I realize that you may have doubts about this, but what do you have to lose? Improving yourself will keep you busy, improve your life, and it might give you a better chance to save your marriage. I don’t see any potential downside to it. But it truly is your decision to make.
So to answer the question posed, I can’t tell if your husband will come back if you wait patiently for him. But it is my opinion that it can help your situation to give him space and to very actively and deliberately pursue information and activities that improve you and your marriage while you are waiting. In my experience, if your husband thinks that you are sitting at home waiting for him, this does little to improve your situation. But, if he knows that you are keeping busy while remaining open to him coming home, this can be helpful. However, only you know your situation, why he left, and what he responds to best. In my experience, though, it’s best to combine the waiting with activity so that you aren’t just being passive and hoping for the best.
When my husband first left and we began our separation, I tried the patient and supportive approach and I felt like a doormat. Plus, this didn’t do much to help my marriage. It wasn’t until I combined strategy and being active while waiting that I began to gain any ground. Eventually, this allowed me to save my marriage and lure him home. If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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