Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who worry that they are doing everything wrong during their marital or trial separation. Many still very much want to save their marriages, but they are afraid that they are going to make the wrong move or take the wrong step and make a divorce that much more likely.  Because of this fear, they sometimes overcompensate, which can be just as damaging.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband moved out last week because he has been pushing for  a trial separation. I am not ashamed to admit that I am so very lost. I miss him so much. I feel like the best and most important part of me is gone. So I feel compelled to check in on him all the time. I call. I text. I stop by without being invited. And if I’m being honest, I have to admit that I know this annoys and frustrates my husband because he’s made it very clear that he needs time and space away from me. But I just can’t seem to help myself. My friends tell me that I need to back off in order to make my marriage better. Are they right? I’m so afraid that if I back off he will forget about me, move on, or quiet that nagging voice that is telling him he has a family to whom he is responsible.”

I understand these fears because I had them myself. You worry that if you give your husband too much alone time or space, he’s going to find that he likes it. And he’s going to want more of it which means he may want to continue on with the separation or eventually pursue a divorce. You worry that if you don’t do things to keep him remembering you and your marriage, he might just be tempted to forget altogether.

But here’s the thing. Your husband often sees your being present or checking in all the time as suffocating or not respecting his wishes or his request for time. I do believe that in most cases, backing off a little bit can improve your situation and potentially improve your marriage, especially if you do it in the right way. I will tell you why and explain this concept further below.

Why Backing Off Will Often Help Your Husband’s Perceptions Which Will In Turn Help Your Marriage: I know that it’s quite possible that you see backing off as the scariest, riskiest, and least appealing option right now. I felt this way too. Backing off can feel like the beginning stages of letting go of your marriage and that is the last thing that you want.

But please believe me when I say that backing off can also be strategy – and it’s often a good one. Here’s why. Your husband has clearly asked you for (or demanded) some space.  That’s why the separation is happening right now.  By not giving him this space, you are painting yourself in a very negative light. You run the risk of him seeing you as a nuisance or worse, as someone whom he is going to have to divorce to get the space he’s so desperately seeking.  I’m not saying he is right in this assumption.  I am just trying to share his thought process with you.

Also, not backing off means that you can come off as needy, desperate, and as someone who doesn’t have a lot going on in her own life. This is not how you want to appear when you are trying to save your marriage or end your separation. Instead, you want for your husband to think that you are perfectly capable of living your life even when your marriage is struggling. You want for him to think that you are busy, vibrant, and coping. You may even have to fake your ability to cope and manage just a little bit, but doing so is better than clinging so tightly that he just wants to escape you in order to have some reprieve.

And even better, backing off can sometimes create a bit of suspense which can turn out to make a husband interested again. Because when you have been clinging so tightly and then change things up by suddenly backing off, any normal person is going to wonder why. He often can’t help but wonder what brought about your change in behavior. And sometimes, he will then reach out to you to learn the answer. This makes things more balanced and is actually better for you and your marriage in the long run.

Balancing Backing Off With Still Being Receptive To Him And Your Marriage: Now that I have went over all of the advantages of backing off, I need to tell you that you don’t want to over do it. Some wives will become so enthusiastic about this plan that they will take it so far as to ignore their husbands or pretend that they don’t care. This is taking things to the other extreme and I don’t find this to be a good idea either.  Many will see their husband suddenly become interested.  And then the more their husband moves toward them, the more the wives start to walk away thinking that their husbands will want them even more.  This is usually a mistake. You want to strike a balance between creating some mystery and giving your husband his space while still making it clear that you still are committed to saving your marriage when your husband is ready to do so.

Frankly, when you strike this balance, you put your husband in the best position to miss you so that he wants to come home and come to the table with a plan and a willingness to save your marriage.

My own husband had to go to extremes to get me to back off during my separation.  I didn’t play it correctly, and it almost costs me my marriage.  Once I figured out that backing off would actually help me cause rather than hurt it, this made a huge difference and I eventually saved my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on http://isavedmymarriage.com.  Also, the video on this side bar has very good free information on how to very effectively play this game.

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