Leslie Cane Articles

By:  Leslie Cane:  I often hear from women who either believe or know that their husband is no longer in love with them. And yet, he’s still their husband. Usually, at this stage, he hasn’t made any attempts to separate or divorce. And the wife will often wonder why this is so.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I are very good friends with our next door neighbors. He hangs out with the husband next door and I hang out with the wife. Well, my friend called me yesterday morning and told me that my husband had told her husband that he was no longer in love with me. She said that they were at the gym working out when they started talking about their marriages. And at that point, my husband just blurted out that he hasn’t felt in love with me for months. Well, this is news to me. I know that this couple wouldn’t lie to me. If they’re telling me that my husband said this, then I believe them. But what confuses me the most is that he hasn’t mentioned this to me, nor has he said anything about moving out, separating, or divorcing. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone I don’t love. Our marriage hasn’t always been perfect, but I know that I still love him, even if he doesn’t still love me. So why would a man stay married if he is no longer in love with his wife?” I’ll do my best to answer this question in the following article.

There are several reasons that a man might not be making any sudden decisions or actions when he feels his love lessening for his wife. I will discuss some of them below.

He May Still Hold Out Hope That Things Will Get Much Better: Frankly, I give this husband a lot of credit for not acting in a rash way. I agree that it was a bad idea for him to tell his friend about his feelings instead of telling his wife. But, at least he hadn’t walked out, distanced himself, or asked for a separation or a divorce. This isn’t the case for all men or for all marriages. Some will take swift action as soon as they notice the slightest change in feelings.

It was possible that this husband hadn’t said anything or taken any action because he was hopeful that with some time or attention, his marriage could get back on track. And because of this, he didn’t want to upset his wife or cause panic before he tried to fix things on his own.

He May Be Thinking Of Your Family: Many people with children will not walk out because of those same children. Some of them are children of divorce themselves who don’t want their own children to go through what they went through. And many will want to try counseling or other methods of saving their marriage first before they just declare their marriage over because of their changing feelings. Luckily, many men realize that they can fall back in love just as easily as they fell out of it.

Many Intuitively Realize That There Might Be Something Else Contributing To Their Unhappiness: Sometimes when people are unhappy in their marriage, they will immediately blame their spouse, their spouse’s actions or behaviors, of their lack of or changing feelings for their spouse. But often once they have had the chance to reflect, they might begin to suspect that there is more at play than just their spouse. It’s no coincidence that many people become unhappy with their marriage when they are going through stress, a mid-life crisis, or a major life change. Most people know (at least somewhere deep inside) that their unhappiness isn’t completely their spouse’s fault. And therefore, it wouldn’t be fair to separate while other things are at play. And frankly, many hope that once the stresses in their life diminish or disappear, this is going to help your marriage also.

Some Men Are Planning And Strategizing For Your Future Marriage Today: I’ll make one last point, although this is the possibility that I least want to be true. Some men stay married to the wives who they aren’t in love with because they know that it is only temporary. Some are planning to leave once the kids are grown, once they save some money, at or a more convenient time. And, some just want to wait and see what happens before they take any drastic steps.

So What Does All Of This Mean?: Of course, how you handle this will depend upon which of the above reasons may be applicable to your own husband. But notice that, no matter which scenario applies to you, there is still time. What I mean by this is that he’s not yet left your home. He’s not yet filed for divorce or asked for a separation. All this means that you still have time to improve your marriage, address this appropriately, and change things.

I know first hand that it is extremely upsetting to hear that your husband is no longer in love with you when you’re still married. But do you know what is worse? To hear that not only is he no longer in love with you but that he no longer wants to be married. So rather than asking why he’d stay married to you, please be grateful that he is. And be very thankful that you still have time to bring the love back in your marriage. You both deserve to be happy and feel loved and you have the chance to ensure that this happens. Not everyone has that chance.

Not all women have that luxury.  I sure didn’t.  Once my husband told me his feelings had changed, he abruptly moved out.  I had a difficult time restoring his love until I learned how to turn the tables somewhat.  If it helps, you can read about the strategy that worked on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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