Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: We separated wives often see our reconciliation as the start of the end game. What I mean by that is that we can spend a lot of time thinking that if we can just come up with the magic formula to get our separated husband to reconcile with us, it will hopefully be smooth sailing from there and we will never have to revisit this separation business – ever again.

Well, that’s a lovely thought. But it is not the reality for some of us. Sometimes, when your husband comes back and you begin your reconcilation, it truly is only the beginning.  And it is anything but smooth sailing. Sometimes, it can actually seem as if things are worse than they were before the separation.

Someone might ask: “do things get worse before they get better when you are trying to reconcile? All during our separation, I kept telling myself that if I could just make it where we got along better, then we might have the chance to reconcile. I worked very hard on this. I made a lot of adjustments and concessions. And things did start to improve for us – so much so that my husband agreed to reconcile. I was so happy. It was as if I won the jackpot. I thought that we would get along just great when my husband moved back in and that we could quickly put this behind us. But we are fighting as much as we did – if not more – as before the separation. My husband says that I nag him. He says that I give him no space. But I thought that the whole space thing was only during the separation? Why shouldn’t a husband who has just reconciled with his wife need space? Shouldn’t he want to compensate for the time away? I’m actually so discouraged by this. At this rate, we will end up separated again. Do things get worse before they get better?”

They can. And there are a couple of potential reasons for this. First, people can rush into the reconciliation for some very legitimate reasons. They can very understandably miss one another and legitimately think that reconciling is the best alternative. There could be kids involved and both parents could think that a reconciliation is best for the kids. And let’s not forget how expensive it is to support two households. There is often a financial incentive to reconcile.

It’s completely understandable to want to reconcile as soon as possible. I know that I did. But when you rush things, then you bypass working through your initial issues and you likely haven’t learned any new skills that will help to bridge the gap when the old issues come back up again. One way to try to ease through this is to do the reconciliation gradually. Since he has already moved back in, you’ll have to do a variation on this, but the idea is that he begins coming home on weekends and then gradually adds in more time until he is living back with you full time. Each time you run into issues, you take things slowly until it feels right to move forward again.

Since you’re already living together full time, it’s not that surprising that he’s complaining about space, as there was no gradual change between him living alone and living with you again full time. In order to address that, you may want to be more liberal about giving him his space. If you need to, there is nothing wrong with allowing him to spend time in a spare room so that he feels like he’s getting more alone time. That is certainly better than the alternative of having him move out again. If you find that you are getting on one another’s nerves or things aren’t going well, take a break.

Regardless of whether these pauses work, you want to make a point of working through whatever issues remain between you. The issues are usually easy to see when conflict comes up. It’s important that you do this. Because until you do, you will likely find yourself living with the same issues over and over again. And until you finally solve those issues, then they continue to erode your marriage.

If you are not able to work through these issues on your own, then there’s nothing wrong with getting counseling or exploring self help. It’s very important to do whatever is needed to smooth the way during a reconciliation. The last thing you want is for it to fail. Because each time it fails, it gets harder to be successful the next time. People get discouraged over time and sometimes they begin to think that maybe they would just be better off divorced. This isn’t what you want, so it makes sense to do whatever you need to do right now.

But to answer the original question, couples can certainly have bumps in the road when they try to reconcile, but to have things worse before they are better is a red flag that should get your attention so that you can fix things.

As I alluded to, my husband and I reconciled gradually.  If we had tried to reconcile when things were not fixed, I’m sure that we would have struggled.  As it was, we had a few issues, but nothing that was a deal breaker.   You can read more about how we reconciled on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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