Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: There are a few crises that readers of this blog fear the most – the day that a husband leaves for a separation, the day a husband files for (or is granted a divorce,) and the day that you get up the courage to ask your separated husband to come home and he refuses. All of these scenarios take the mystery and uncertainty out of things, but for the worse. It’s suddenly clear that he’s actually leaving, that he truly wants a divorce, or that he is uninterested in returning home. Understandably, these realities can be a crushing blow. However, one of the scenarios that still offers some hope is the husband who doesn’t want to come home. Why? Because, if and when you play your cards right, this scenario can and does change sometimes. It may feel devastatingly permanent. But it doesn’t always stay this way.

A wife might say, “My husband did not frame what we were on as a separation. That was actually very clever of him. Because he knew that I would panic and fight or oppose him if I thought that I was actually separated. Instead, he told me that he was just going to stay with a mutual friend of ours for a while so that the increasingly frequent difficulties between us might have the chance to calm down. He tried to sell this as a positive thing for our marriage, and I very stupidly went along with it. But it was clear pretty quickly that he pulled a fast one. He wasn’t readily available when I’d call him, or even when I’d come by. He rarely tried to see me in the beginning, and he never tries to see me now. I have to basically force myself on him to have any communication at all. It is like he’d love to pretend that his wife and his marriage don’t exist at all. I admit that last week, I let my emotions get the better of me. And I waited outside by my husband’s vehicle at his job. I know what time he gets off of work, and I knew that this meant that he couldn’t avoid me. I should have taken a hint and realized from his reaction that he was unhappy to see me. But again, I panicked and let my emotions take over. I couldn’t stick to safe topics, and I eventually just blurted out that I missed him and needed him to come home. When he tried to change the subject, I just straight up said, ‘Haven’t you had enough of this? Don’t you want to come home?’ And his response was, ‘No I don’t want to come home. Certainly not yet.’ And then he told me that he had something to do, excused himself, and left me standing there. I know that I’ve made things worse. But I can’t stand the thought of him not coming home. What can I do? What are you supposed to do when your husband tells you he doesn’t want to come home?”

These are difficult questions, but I have definite answers based on my own experiences. Now, this is just one person’s opinion. I don’t have scientific proof as to why this worked. But I tried several different options when I was in the same situation. And I am quite clear on which option worked, and which option did not. And, looking back, I believe that I now understand why I was successful with the strategy I used.

Don’t Push Harder. He’ll Only Double Down: I suspect that many wives in this situation are tempted to double down. I know this because it’s exactly what I did. I know how it feels to be in the desperate state of knowing that your husband and your marriage are drifting away from you, and you need to do something right now to reel them back in before it is too late. But this is very often the worst choice you can make. A husband who has already told you that he’s not yet ready to move forward is likely just going to continue to act negativity as you continue on with the same strategy. He may even pull away more, making your situation even worse.

Turn Your Attention To The Low Hanging Fruit And The Issues And People You Can Control: It is very common and understandable to feel restless when your husband is living away from home. It feels as if disaster and heartbreak are around every corner. It feels as if something awful is going to happen momentarily. But you must break free from this sense of immediacy if you want to for things to calm down so that you can focus on real change that might bring real results.

You may have to absolutely force yourself to stop the behavior that you know is hurting your cause. So how do you fill the time once you vow to do that? You focus on easily achievable things. Who can you control right now? Yourself. What positive actions might actually bring you closer to what you want? Self-improvement. Exercise, counseling, close friendships, extended family, and helping others. Please hear me out and open your mind to this because I suspect that it is likely to yield better results than your current path. I know that it’s possible that your husband won’t go to counseling with you, or won’t even communicate with you. What’s the stop you from going yourself? What’s to stop you from taking the first steps toward improving your marriage on your own. You likely know the issues that are standing in your way. Begin to fix them, even if you have to begin by yourself.

Yes, I know that you want to turn your attention on your husband instead of yourself. But for right now, your life will be easier if you just gratefully accept victories with the low-hanging fruit. Put coming back home out of your mind for now. Just focus on steady, positive communication with your husband when it is available to you, and know that you can eventually build upon that. Be careful, though. Because if you push and ruin even this, then you really are starting from ground zero. And you don’t want to do that.

Sometimes, when you stop pushing and pressuring, he will come to the same destination that you wanted him to – all on his own. That’s the better outcome anyway. Because he will believe in it, and he’ll know that the decision was his, since he wasn’t coerced.

Become Someone He Wants To Come Home To: I know that you are likely rolling your eyes or sighing as you read this. I would have had the same reaction. But I can tell you that this is the more effective strategy, even if it may well be the most difficult one to embrace. Again, you can control yourself. You can improve yourself. You can strengthen yourself. You can work on those things that you know are hurting your marriage. Of course, I want you to do this because it is a healthy option for YOU. But you may also want to do it because it will put you in a much more advantageous position when your husband drops a bit of his resistance.

Husbands who see wives pull back on the pressure and improve themselves will often look around to see just what has happened. Since you’re no longer trying to manipulate him, he may become more receptive to you. And suddenly, you are a much better version of yourself who comes to the table with new skills, a new outlook, and a new dose of patience.

Do you think this puts you in a better position in terms of your husband coming home? You bet it does. But even then, you still don’t want to push. You want to go at a natural pace, or better yet, at the pace your husband sets. I know that I am asking you to use patience when you don’t feel any.

But I’m asking all of these things of you because I know that they are the very things that turned things around for me and for my marriage. They weren’t easy to implement.  But they worked.  The rest of that story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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