Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who have heard a hurtful and disturbing message. No matter what words or phrases have been used, a husband has told the wife that he doesn’t want her – or the marriage – anymore. He may say this very directly. Or he may give the wife very vague statements and then withdraw his affection, making it clear that he’s no longer invested in the marriage.  

No matter how he tells you, these words hurt and make you wonder if your marriage stands any chance at all. A wife might say, “My husband and I have been struggling for months. So the fight that we had last night wasn’t a surprise. It’s been building for quite a long time. However, the words my husband said to me were so direct and sounded so final, that it felt very shocking to me. He told me that he was tired of us going round and round and never having any improvement in our marriage. He told me that he wasn’t happy anymore. And he straight up said that he doesn’t want me anymore. I wish I could say that I responded effectively, but I didn’t. I was basically struck dumb and mainly could only stare at him. Eventually, I excused myself, and we haven’t talked about it since. He hasn’t said anything about moving out, and as far as I know, he hasn’t yet taken any action. But I don’t see how he won’t eventually, considering what he said to me. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with this news. What are you supposed to do when your husband tells you that he doesn’t want you anymore?

I think that the answer depends on if you want him anymore. If you are still invested in your marriage, then you’ll probably want to take some careful, but directed action. It may be positive that he hasn’t taken any steps toward moving out or ending the marriage yet. This means that you may have some time. Now is not the time to panic, although I know it may be hard not to. 

Keep Things In Perspective:  Although your husband’s words hurt, they were likely meant to get your attention. When issues and pressure build-up and nothing changes in your marriage, it’s not uncommon for one of the spouses to say something particularly shocking to get the other’s attention. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t a kernel of truth in his words – he may well be beyond frustrated, but he might be delivering his message in a dramatic way that is meant to shock you into taking some action. He confirmed that he is tired of nothing ever changing. If you are still invested in your marriage, it’s a good idea to be proactive now rather than waiting for the next shoe to fall.

Respond Carefully:  It’s probably optimal to let things cool off for a day or two before you attempt to respond to your husband’s words. When you do, you want to be very careful. You don’t want to come across as desperate or panicked. You don’t want to be overly defensive or imply that your husband has no right to want to be happier or to voice his feelings. Instead, you may want to try something like, “I heard what you said loud and clear, but, on my end, I don’t feel the same way. I still want our marriage, and I still want you. I hope that in the coming weeks, you’ll let me prove to you that things can improve if we take action rather than lashing out at each other.”

Then wait and see if he has any response. It might be too soon for him to hop on board because he may have his doubts about what you are saying. If that is the case, you’ll have to prove that real change is possible as you are able to. He may resist you or doubt you or just not be receptive. You may have to keep going with a positive attitude and wait him out. My husband wanted nothing to do with a reconciliation at first. I just had to keep going anyway until I could finally convince him that I’d made meaningful, lasting changes. And this took time because he had doubts that he wasn’t willing to part with.  

Moving Forward as You are Able: One of the trickiest things about this situation is that sometimes, you will have to work on your own. If you have a resistant husband who thinks he isn’t invested and believes that nothing is going to change, you have a challenge to overcome. He likely won’t help you. He may not even believe you. So you’ll have to take advantage of even the smallest opportunities to prove him wrong.  

The requires an extreme amount of patience and determination at times. He may even openly thwart you or tell you that your efforts won’t work. As hard as it may feel, you’ll have to keep going anyway, although sometimes you may have to regroup and wait. If he’s extremely resistant or hostile, sometimes you’ll need to take a break and allow things to cool off.  

You have to become very good at reading his cues to know when you can try to move forward and know when you can wait. Before I learned this subtle difference, I would sometimes make things worse for myself. Because I would push too hard for too long and then my husband would push back, and I’d have even more ground to make up.

Sometimes the best thing that you can do is to wait. If the time isn’t right, pick a better time. I know that you can feel as if you have to do something right this second, but that isn’t always true. Sometimes if you are patient, calm, reassuring, and pleasant, things will improve without your needing to pound the table too hard. And with improvement, he should become more receptive. Once he is receptive, that is when the real work can begin. 

If it helps, you can read about the gradual approach that I eventually lucked into at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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