Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Any talk or messages from your spouse having to do with a separation can be scary. This is especially true if you suspect that your spouse is not as happy in your marriage as you are. One example is when your spouse repeatedly announces that he is dreaming about a separation or divorce. Is this a veiled message? A warning? Should you worry? Or panic?

A wife might say, “when my husband first told me that he’d dreamed that we separated, we both laughed. He said it in a light-hearted, joking way. And the dream WAS funny. He’d separated from me because he decided to be a monk and travel to faraway places to meditate. Neither of us thought this meant anything because it was so out of the realm of our reality. My husband is as far away from a monk as you can get. However, as time passed, things began to get a little shaky emotionally between us as stress and conflict entered into our lives. He wasn’t as anxious to get home to me at the end of every day, nor did he go out of his way to be attentive, reassuring, or loving. That’s why it gave me pause when he brought up the separation dream again. I tried to make a joke of it, asking ‘is it the monk thing again?’ No, he said. The dream must stem from the fact that we’ve drifted apart, he guessed. This time, his dream hit too close to home because it was like his dream was mirroring our reality. I hugged him, and said ‘well, I’m right here, and I don’t plan to let you separate from me.’ That was a couple of months ago, and this morning my husband came to me and told me yet again that he’d had the dream, and that he thinks his subconscious mind is trying to tell him something. He then came out and said that maybe we should take a break. I was stunned by this, although I guess I can honestly say that I sort of had a warning. But these were dreams, no reality. And I honestly believe that dreams don’t really mean anything. Am I wrong about this?”

I don’t mean to sound cynical. But in some ways, you are totally right. And in another way, you are completely wrong. Let me explain. 

A Dream Is Just That, Except When It Isn’t: You are right to think that even ominous-seeming dreams can have completely innocent meanings. Sometimes dreams about separation and/or divorce have nothing to do with your relationship or marriage. The interpretation can be as innocent as the dreamer is afraid of losing something (or someone) in his life. Or the dreamer is afraid of (and wants to avoid) drastic change. Or the dreamer is facing a loss in some capacity of their lives that isn’t their marriage.

In this case, you’d be completely correct in thinking that his dream doesn’t really mean anything. He’s assigning meaning where there is none. And that is frustrating and unfair. 

That said, the fact that he sees and is assigning meaning to these dreams could mean that, at least at this time, he thinks that a separation is possible. Or he believes it is (or wants it to be) in your future. Not only is he continuously bringing it up, but he is taking it even further by suggesting a break. He may be using the dream as a mechanism to have the courage to bring up the possibility of separation. But you’re not going to know which of these scenarios apply until you dig a little deeper. 

Identifying The Elephant In The Room: You could try something like, “I am shocked and saddened by this. Are you just responding to these dreams, or do you just really want to separate? If so, could you share why? Taking a break or separating is a big step, and I hope we can talk about it much more before we have to actually go there.”

The whole purpose of this is to try to get a glimpse into his thought process and motivations. Does he really put that much emphasis on the dreams? Or does he just want to separate because he isn’t happy in the marriage, or for some other reason? If so, is the reason something that you can address (and possibly erase so that separation isn’t even necessary?)

I know that this is scary, and it is easy to panic and respond in a way that you may later regret. Keep in mind that you still have time. There is no reason to panic. He hasn’t moved out. No official “break” has been pursued yet. 

Moving From Talk To Action: If you can keep things pleasant and open up some dialogue and healing, he may not even move forward with any break or actually move away from you. Perhaps he’s just looking for some improvements and change, and all this talk of dreams and separation is his attempt to scare you into paying attention.

Often, it may seem like men bring up these types of things out of the blue, but in reality, they believe that they’ve been dropping hints and bread crumbs all along – hints that were ignored or brushed aside.

Perhaps bringing up the dreams is his way of attempting to force you to take this seriously. So give this the serious attention that it deserves and requires. Let him know that you’re listening – quite intently. Stress that you are more than willing to work with him to come up with a solution that hopefully makes everyone happy and brings about real and meaningful change. 

Honestly, I know that you may be silently cursing these dreams. But perhaps it is time to thank them. They may have given you the warning shot that you need to avoid disaster. So long as you address the most problematic issues, then maybe there will be no separation, and all of those stressors that have been causing conflict and building may finally fall away so that you can both have the marriage that you want. Once those things happen, there is no reason for him to talk (or dream about) a separation. 

This is the ideal.  I didn’t move quickly enough to facilitate true change, and I ended up separated as a result.  Although I did eventually figure out a way to save my marriage, it would have been much less painful and terrifying to avoid separating in the first place.  You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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