Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I hear from a lot of wives who are beyond devastated and unsure of how they’re going to cope when their husband has just made a devastating announcement. Not only is he no longer in love, but he also wants a divorce. Either one of these announcements is devastating by itself. But together, they feel hopeless. Because how in the world can you avoid a divorce if he truly doesn’t love you anymore?

A wife might say, “I can’t pretend that I am surprised that my husband is unhappy with our marriage. It’s been shaky for months. But what has surprised me – and devastated me – was that he very matter-of-factly told me without any emotion that he does not love me anymore and that he wants a divorce. He wasn’t angry. He wasn’t trying to get a reaction out of me. He just wanted to inform me that he’s no longer invested in our marriage because he doesn’t love me. So he wants to end that same marriage. To say that I am devastated is an understatement. I honestly am not sure how I will cope. I’ve been brainstorming strategies to save our marriage, but now it seems I won’t even get to try. How do I cope with this? 

Believe me, I understand how horrible this feels. You feel as if your entire world has stopped spinning on its axis. You wonder if the world will ever feel normal to you again – since everything has been taken away. And you feel rejected by (and unattractive to) the person you love the most. I know because I have been there and I separated because that is what my husband wanted.  I floundered for a long time.  But I eventually got myself together and saved my marriage.  Here is some insights that might help you. 

Take A Few Days, But Then Dust Yourself Off: It’s understandable to hole up for a few days to process the shock and hurt this is going to cause. 

But if you still want some skin in this game, after that, you must pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Do not allow yourself to dwell on the negative. Because doing so will make it more likely that both your husband (and yourself) hold negative perceptions of your behavior and your reaction. You have a clear goal – to save your marriage. 

It’s very hard to achieve that goal if you are an emotional mess or if you aren’t acting as close as possible to your best self. 

Keep The Negativity In Check And Challenge The Fear: It’s normal to feel scared and angry. You can’t stop these feelings. They are going to come at you hard and fast. And you can confide in trusted friends and family members and journal to release these feelings. 

But, when you interact with your husband, you’ll want to keep the negativity in check. Here’s why: If he’s telling you that he wants a divorce because he doesn’t love you, then he likely already has very negative perceptions about your situation. If you come at him with more negativity, you risk making things worse. 

Although your situation may feel dire and immediate, pause every time you are tempted to throw negativity at your husband. I understand that you feel panicked and you want that feeling to stop.  

But you have to be very careful. Resist the temptation to argue, guilt, belittle, stalk, or beg your husband. These will play to your husband’s negative emotions. And as a result, he will have thoughts like, “I got out in just the knick of time. And thank goodness I did. That is what my life what have looked like if I’d stayed.”

Instead, you need him to think, “Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I made a rash decision.” For him to do this, you will need to be as reasonable and as calm as you can manage. Lash out all your want around neutral friends, but be careful in front of your husband.  

Be Very Deliberate With Your Presentation:  I know that what I am about to ask is very difficult. But I mention it simply because it is so important. You need to pause and think about who you are presenting to your husband every time you interact with him. These interactions paint his perceptions. The only way he will change his mind about your marriage is if he changes his perceptions about you. So you’re going to need to present a woman who is strong, capable, and coping. 

Quite honestly, your husband may suspect that you will fall apart, argue with him, or throw yourself at his feet because you can’t live without him. Frankly, he has probably already prepared for or braced himself for these reactions.  

My own experience taught me that it is advantageous to show up with the reaction that he isn’t expecting. Sometimes (depending on your situation) a sound play is to tell him that although you’re very disappointed, you concede that neither of you has been happy and that you agree that drastic change is needed since you used to be so content. 

Sometimes, it works to stress that you’re fully aware that you can’t make things better if you are always fighting, so you’re vowing to do what you can to maintain a cordial and positive relationship – however that may look. 

This is a positive play on a few different fronts: You’ve validated your husband, so he doesn’t need to take a defensive stance. And you’ve made it clear that you don’t intend to fight. This means that he doesn’t need to avoid or block you, and this means you may have access to him. 

Next, you’ll want to portray yourself as someone who is determined to make the best of this. Because you value your own happiness as well as his, you’re going to see this as an opportunity to learn, grow, and improve your relationship. (And if that leads to an improved marriage, so be it.)

Surround Yourself With Positive People And Activities: I’m not going to lie to you. There may be some dark moments ahead. But I can also tell you that one of the fastest ways to pull yourself out of these moments is to spend time with people who support you and want you to heal. Give yourself permission to focus on the activities and actions that bring you joy and relief. Make sure mutual friends know that this is exactly what you’re doing so your husband knows you’re not just moping around. 

Not only will this let your husband know that you are capable, it lets YOU know that as well. And, it increases the odds that your husband will respond favorably to you. Men respond better to a capable woman than one who is a bit of a wreck. Even better, some men become intrigued by this new person who is making positive changes. And he may respond to his own curiosity by inching closer.

When this happens, don’t overdo it. Just continue on with the positive portrayals. Show him the same qualities that first attracted him to you in the first place. Show him the fun-loving, light-hearted person of whom he couldn’t get enough. 

I know that you may feel afraid and beaten. But you CAN do this. You can make the best of this and you can grow. Admittedly it may take some effort. But the woman who copes and makes the best of this has the chance to save your marriage. So go and find her. 

When my husband was flirting with the idea of a divorce, I made many of the mistakes I just warned you about. Of course, this only makes things worse. I tried my new approach nearly too late. But it did eventually work. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/