Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who are confused by their spouse’s rapidly changing emotions during their separation. One day, their spouse may be downright nasty and rude to them because he seems to be angry for some unknown reason. Then another day, he may be pleasant and nice. And, there doesn’t seem to be any change in circumstance. In other words, nothing has happened to justify him acting so dramatically different from one day to the next.

As an example of what I mean, I might hear a comment like: “my husband left me about four months ago. I suspected that this was coming because he had been talking about how unhappy he was and how tied down he felt. I think that this is all nonsense to be honest. My husband hates his job and is financially struggling. I think that a lot of his unhappiness has to do with that situation – and the fact that he can’t quit his job – than it does with our marriage. But there is no reasoning with my husband right now. There are days when he can be so nasty to me, as if I have done something wrong. But I know that I haven’t done anything. He is the one who left me. I’m not sure why he would be so angry. The separation is what he wanted. I would think that he would be happy each and every day. Admittedly, there are stray days here and there where he does seem to be happy. And on those days he is nice to me. But again, even on those days, I haven’t done anything to deserve the way that he is treating me. Nothing has changed, so why would he be angry one day and nice the next when I have done nothing to or for him? I just don’t get it at all. And it’s frustrating because I never know what husband I am going to get. I never know how he is going to act around me. And how I act or what I say doesn’t seem to make much of a difference.”

This can be an extremely frustrating experience. You feel as if you have done nothing wrong (or even right) and yet you are at the whim of his moods based on something that you can’t see. But, here is what you need to understand. You are right in your suspicions that his mood may not have much to do with you, this separation, or your marriage. If he is already struggling with external factors and stressors like his job and finances, adding a martial separation with all sorts of uncertainty into the mix can just multiply his frustrations rather than relieve them.

He May Be Facing A Harsh Realization: One issue that I often see is that the person initiating the separation believes that making this move and leaving is going to actually make things better for them. They hope that this is going to lighten their load and help to alleviate some of their stress. When this doesn’t happen, that is when you see them go through those negative emotions and lash out. Things didn’t go as they had planned. Of course, you suspected this all along because you knew that you weren’t the real source of their stress. They did not know this. But they are starting to realize it now. And that is why you will sometimes find them being pleasant and nice.

Suggestions For Handling This: So where does that leave you? Many people are tempted to call their spouse on his unfair behavior and demand that it stop immediately. While this is understandable, it will sometimes only make him more angry and frustrated, which means that you are only going to see more of the behavior that you don’t want. So, you really have to ask yourself what you want the outcome to be here. If you want to ultimately save your marriage eventually, you might be better off trying not to engage him or to point out that he is acting irrationally. Instead, you might consider making it appear that you are trying to be supportive. I know that I am asking a lot here. But think about it. He already feels that the world is conspiring against him. He already feels as if most things in his life cause him stress and seep his happiness. If you can cause a shift that makes him see that out of all of these things, you are the one thing that helps to take the stress away rather than add to it, then you will find him being much more receptive (and ultimately nice) to you.

And, that is what you are going to need in order to eventually begin the process to save your marriage. I know that it’s very hard and frustrating to experience the swinging emotions. But try to remove yourself from the situation during the times that he’s angry. Then, regroup when he’s more receptive. Over time, you will likely notice much more “nice” days and many less “angry” days. But you shouldn’t feel responsible for this process. You’re not causing it. And you can’t really fix it as it’s an external struggle within him. You can only be supportive while waiting for it to pass.  The job issue is his to solve.

I do believe that external factors contributed to my husband being unhappy with our marriage.  But pointing this out to me only hurt my cause.  It only contributed to him moving further away.  It wasn’t until I approached it differently that I got a different result, which ultimately allowed me to save my marriage. If it helps, you’re welcome to read about how I shifted my perspective on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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