Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people dealing with a struggling marriage know that a lack of intimacy is either a symptom or a cause of some of their most serious marital problems. It’s rare for people to tell me that they have absolutely no trouble in the intimacy department. If your marriage is struggling, stagnant, or in trouble, I’d be willing to bet that intimacy has been waning for quite some time. Whether that stagnation came before the marital issues (or is the result of them) is often a tricky question. But improving your intimacy will almost always improve your marriage. It will almost always make your reconciliation easier if you are separated or taking a break. I can’t overstate how important I learned that intimacy was during my own marital breakdown, eventual separation, and then reconciliation. It can be the glue that holds you together during trying times or an olive branch that opens the door toward reconciliation.

But I also know that if you’re dealing with this very painful issue, it can feel as if there is no way out of it without taking very embarrassing, drastic actions and/or potentially feeling rejected. Here is one example. Someone might say, “it has become increasingly obvious that my husband and I have an issue with both emotional and physical intimacy. We’ve been married for quite a while, but I know that this is really no excuse. It’s not like we have a sexless marriage. But we maybe have sex once a week. And when we do, it’s certainly not spectacular. But it’s not just about the sex. There’s also an emotional distance between us. We’re cordial to one another. But we are not deeply connected in the way that we were years ago. Neither of us has done anything wrong. I know that he loves me as a person and a partner, and I love him. But it definitely doesn’t feel like we are in love with one another. And he seems increasingly restless. I can’t remember the last time he touched me with hunger or looked at me with longing or deep understanding. To be fair, the same could be said about me. This probably started when I underwent medical treatment. I could not physically be intimate for a while, but that has long passed. I’m fine physically. But WE are not fine. I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want to be without my husband. But I am not happy living this way, and I know that he isn’t either. We could probably survive without intimacy, but I know that we won’t be as happy as we were. And that’s not fair. I know that we desperately need to get the intimacy back, but I just don’t know how to make this happen. I picture myself putting on a negligee, and I feel like my husband would laugh. And I’d feel stupid. Sometimes, I feel like neither of us is particularly interested in the life of the other. How can we overcome these intimacy issues when we’re older and our marriage already feels dead?”

As problematic as this message was, the couple had some things going for them. The wife was clear that she didn’t want out. And no one was talking about leaving yet. That makes things a little easier.

But they also had a few things going against them. There was an obvious sense of complacency and even drudgery. And although this is very common, it can be problematic. Because it can make this task feel overwhelming and impossible when it is neither. Below, I’ll offer some tips for overcoming intimacy issues that are threatening your marriage.

See The Pot Of Gold At The End Of The Rainbow So You Don’t Approach This With Dread: There is no question that you may feel unsure or vulnerable as you try to restore the intimacy. And that is uncomfortable for many people. So it’s understandable that many couples approach this process with a sense of dread. But if you have that attitude (even when you don’t realize it,) you are sabotaging yourself because you even get started.

Restoring intimacy requires a sense of excitement and cooperation. If you go into this with trepidation, you’re handicapping your chances for success. One way to generate a sense of excitement is to think about all you’re going to gain. Remember when you couldn’t wait to see your spouse? Or when you could talk for hours? Remember how you knew just what he needed with one glance and vice verse? Do you remember how understood and cared for you felt?

Now contrast this with how lonely you feel right now. Isn’t it worth it to step outside of your comfort zone for the promise of something that is so much better? It was certainly worth it for me.

Worry About Emotional Intimacy First: I firmly believe that physical intimacy follows emotional intimacy. People who harbor underlying resentment, anger, or emotional distance from their spouse are going to have a difficult time expressing physical intimacy. If you and your spouse are emotionally close, physical closeness will easily follow without a lot of effort. So you don’t need to worry about the negligee yet anyway. That will come when you are gelling with your spouse. And in order to do that, you need to begin to care about the experiences and well-being of one another.

Keep It Easy And Fun At First: A wonderful therapist once told me that couples who laugh together touch one another more frequently. And couples who touch each other more frequently have better sex.

Your goal is to bump up the laughter in your household. And you don’t have to achieve this with far-reaching or elaborate schemes. You know your spouse very well. You know activities that help you establish an easy rapport and sense of play. For some couples, that might be working in the garden together. For others, it might be going out on a playful date. Still others may enjoy mutual hobbies like sports. Whatever activities allows you to just relax and connect is fair game.

Go into this without huge amounts of pressure. You just want to get into the habit of comfortable play, fun, and connection. It should feel easy and effortless as long as keep it simple.

Gradually Build As You Are Able To Genuinely Engage: You will gradually build upon this new sense of play and rapport as you are able. Never force it. Never require something of yourself that makes you desperately uncomfortable. This process should actually be natural. As you begin reconnecting emotionally, you will naturally talk and connect physically. As you feel more understood and valued, the physical side of your relationship will begin to evolve also.

Desire is a natural sum of these efforts and it really should not have to feel forced. If it does, then you just have a little more work toward emotional connection. There is no reason to force or rush it, especially if you’ve successfully established a new sense of play. You should be enjoying yourself every step of the way. So there is no reason to place an artificial time frame.

I hope this article has motivated you to take the first easy steps toward restoring the intimacy.  As you may laughter and connection a priority, keep raising the bar until this becomes second nature. While a marriage could perhaps survive for a little while without intimacy, it certainly can’t thrive. And many divorces and separations begin when intimacy wanes. Don’t ignore this. But don’t panic either.

I firmly believe that restoring the intimacy is a big reason why I’m still married today. Things looked bleak for us during our separation, but learning to feel close both physically and emotionally helps to keep us from back peddling. You can read about our reconciliation at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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