Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I think that there are two different types of people when it comes to trial separations – those who wanted the separation or initiated it and those who absolutely don’t want it and who want to save their marriage more than anything else.  And I often hear from   the folks who didn’t want the separation in the first place but who now just want to handle it in the most positive way possible so that they can ultimately save their marriage.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband has pushed for a separation for several months.  I have tried many different things to talk him out of this.  I have worked on our marriage and shown him that I can change in the hopes that he would forget about the whole thing and be happy in our marriage again. And there were times when things really improved, but still, he remained very clear on the fact that he wouldn’t be happy until we tried separating.  It is now clear to me that he isn’t going to give up on this idea so I have agreed to it, but it’s very important to me that we both agree that it is a trial separation and not a permanent one.  At this point, I am hoping that it only lasts for a couple of weeks.  But, he won’t give me any firm commitment on how long he plans to be gone.  How do I make the best of this?  Because honestly, it is taking everything in me not to fall apart.  When my husband sees me struggling, I can tell that he gets frustrated with me so I try to hide my feelings.  I am trying to act like I’m being strong and upbeat for his benefit but part of me knows that he isn’t buying it. So I am trying to come up with a plan so that I can get through this, not annoy my husband, and save my marriage all at the same time.  But when I am even thinking about this or even writing it, I understand how ambitious that is.  Clearly, my husband may not want to be married to me anymore.  And I have to come up with a way to understand that. But I can not accept it, not yet.  How do I deal with this separation in a positive way so that I don’t go crazy and alienate my husband?”  I’ll try to offer some tips and advice that I have found helpful in the following article.

Don’t Panic Or Feel As If You Have To Execute Everything Perfectly: Often, when people worry that their marriage is on the line, they feel as if there is no room to make a mistake.  But unfortunately, this leads to a high level of anxiety that almost always ensures that you are going to be awkward or nervous.  And then that happens, things can spiral downward from there.  Yes, you may have hit a rough patch in your marriage.  But you already know that your husband loves the woman that he fell in love with.  You already have those circumstances that you can use to your advantage.

Unfortunately, we don’t always use the advantages that we have because we forget about them when we are worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing.  Try not to over think it.  Try to see it as you are still married and committed, but you are taking a break so that you can come back together even stronger and better.  If you can do this, you will likely interact with your husband much more successfully.

Do Whatever You Need To Do To Appear Upbeat, Capable, And Self Respecting:  I know first hand that it is easy to become desperate and lonely.  And when these negative feelings are fueling your actions, you will often do and say things that you later regret.  I know that it is easy to feel sad, fearful, depressed, and just anxious.  You don’t know what tomorrow brings and you likely want and need the reassurance that he might not be offering you.

But, as difficult as it is, know that you will often have much more success if you can present yourself as someone who is coping as best as she can because she respects herself enough to pick herself up and put one step in front of the other.

So how does this look in real life? Even if you don’t feel like it, you surround yourself with supportive and positive people and things.  You reach out to others without isolating yourself.  You work on making yourself as strong as you can possibly be and you examine what you really want and need right now.

Don’t Put Too Much Pressure Onto The Situation:  Understandably, it’s normal to want the separation to be over be quickly.  But be careful not to rush it so much that your spouse begins to feel pressured.  You want for him to come back when he feels good about doing so.  That means that it is better to take your time and identify and address what is necessary than to just try to get him home any way that you can.  You want for him to willingly want to come home and to be excited about the same.  You want to lay a new foundation so that you can move forward with confidence.

This is not a process that you can or should rush.  Have fun dating and getting to know one another again.  Try to be very light hearted and casual rather than making each meeting seem so important that it sags under the pressure.  You don’t want for your spouse to avoid you because he knows that you will apply more pressure.  Instead, you want for him to look forward to seeing you. And sometimes, that means that you put off or shelf the very difficult issues temporarily until your relationship is strong and stable enough to deal with them.  At first, you just want to relate to one another in a positive and repetitive way.

I understand where you are right now.  When my husband and I first separated, I did not handle it in a positive way at all.  I was clingy.  I was fearful.  And I was sad.  All of things contributed to me holding on too tightly and this actually pushed my husband further away from me.  It wasn’t until I acted in a more positive way that my husband was receptive to me and we saved our marriage.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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