Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who feel as if they are having to hold back their true feelings while they are separated. Often, they can’t help but notice that when they tone down or hide their feelings, they get a better response from their spouse. So, they become used to hiding their feelings. However, as things improve, they resent this and they want to be more forthcoming. But they don’t want to jeopardize any of the progress that they have made.

I heard from someone who said something to the effect of: “when my husband and I first separated, I never passed up an opportunity to tell him how much I missed him and how much I hated being separated from him. I told him the separation was tearing me up inside and that I wanted this to end. When I would say these things, my husband would always cut the conversation or the meeting short. So I learned to tone this down. I started focusing on the positive and I wouldn’t bring up negative things when I was with my husband. As a result, things started to improve between us. At one point, my husband said he had considered reconciling and I was thrilled. But after a few weeks, he started to back off a little again. He admitted that he just wasn’t sure what he wanted. Well, in two days it is our anniversary. When my husband was being sweet, I couldn’t wait for our anniversary to come up. But now I dread it. Obviously, it’s not going to be a meaningful day for us. I feel like just being honest and telling my husband how sad and devastated I am. Honestly, I am tired of pretending. But I’m scared that if I unload this on him, he’s only going to back away more. At what point is it OK to start telling him the truth about how sad I am?”

This is a tough situation. I know first hand how much a separated husband can back away as soon as you show him the true depth of your feelings. Honestly, it’s very easy for him to become overwhelmed and to feel pressured. So many men will pull away rather than stay put and deal with the negative emotions. And, when you see some actual improvement when and if you hold back, then that’s a very obvious clue that it can be in your best interest to remain quiet. But over time, you can start to feel like you’re almost betraying yourself. I believe that there’s a way to strike a compromise between the two, which I will discuss below.

Being Honest Isn’t Off Limits As Long As You Don’t Dwell On It And Hurt Your Progress: It made me really sad that this wife was considering just not seeing her husband at all on their anniversary because she worried that it would just be too awkward and too painful. They’d already made plans so it would probably be obvious as to why she was canceling. I didn’t think that she had to pretend that everything was fabulous during their anniversary. Obviously, everything wasn’t fabulous and if you try to pretend that it is, you really aren’t going to be fooling anyone.

With that said, you don’t want to let your feelings over take the day so that it puts a damper on anything positive or spontaneous that might happen. The wife might consider just clearing the air by saying something like: “it has to be obvious that this isn’t a typical anniversary for us and that is a bit sad. I’m struggling a little bit today but I’m going to make the best of it. Because I believe that if we work together, next year’s anniversary is going to be much better. And we’re together on this day. It’s a beautiful day. I just want to focus on what we have to be grateful for and how we can enjoy what is already in front of us.”

You shouldn’t and don’t need to deny your true feelings. Your husband is probably well aware of them anyway. But you don’t want to make them the focus so that the day can’t be enjoyable. Because if you go into it with a sense of sadness and gloom, then you can ruin what could be a turning point for you. Who is to say that your husband won’t experience sweet memories or nostalgia on your anniversary and reach out to you? Honestly, you have no way of knowing what it is going to happen. The day could actually work to your advantage. But, you won’t know that unless you just allow yourself to experience it openly.

There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging your feelings. There’s nothing wrong with sharing your concerns. But once these things are done, you want to move on and focus on the positive things that you can still salvage. The future is still ahead of you. And you have no idea how it is going to turn out. But it’s generally a pretty sure bet that the outcome is at least somewhat influenced by your attitude which also influences your actions.

So to answer the original question posed, I don’t think that you have to hide your feelings from your separated husband. He probably knows more than you think. But in my opinion, it’s vital that you proceed in a positive way despite those feelings. Because if you don’t, the negative feelings might cause some negative actions that wouldn’t help your cause.

As I alluded to, I had to hold back sometimes with my own separation. And it was difficult. But it was also obvious that this helped me to improve things. Once I was on solid ground again and my relationship could withstand some brutal honesty, then I was more open. But I was always careful not to jeopardize the progress I’d already made. It if helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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