Leslie Cane Articles

Ask a handful of random people of all ages, backgrounds, and social or economic status what are the real keys to a long and happy marriage and you’ll likely get a wide variety of answers. Examples include “love,” “happiness,” “romance,” “companionship,” “sharing with your soul mate,” “children,” and “family.”

Before you continue on reading this article, stop for a second and ask yourself what you consider the most important key to keeping and maintaining a happy marriage. Or, if your marriage is in trouble, vulnerable, and/or headed toward or in the middle of a divorce, which keys would you need to focus on the most to save it?

Now, let me say that no matter what your answer, whatever was the first thing (or the most compelling) that came into your mind is likely very important, relevant, dead on, and worth pursuing.

The One, Key Thing Is Commitment: It Trumps Everything: However, according to research, academic studies, and relationship experts, there is really one common theme/key that comes up time and time again among lasting happy marriages. And that is commitment. Simply put, couples who stay married, (for whatever reason) do so because they either feel they should, have to, or want to stay in the marriage.

Of course, all of the things that we typically associate with a lasting marriage (happiness, love, family, soul mates, etc,) all can very much contribute to people wanting to stay in their relationship. But, apparently at the end of the day, (even in the absence of all of the romantic things previously mentioned), at least statistically speaking, commitment wins out time and time again.

If you think about it, this makes a weird sort of sense. Commitment is clearly in short supply today when at least over (40%) forty percent of marriages end in divorce. But, don’t feel bad if you didn’t guess commitment. Almost no one ever does. (I never would’ve before my marriage was in trouble and I did tons of research to save it.)

Statistics And Facts Dispel Myths About Lasting Love And Marriage: Most people understandably assume that love conquers all. But there are many studies that dispel this myth. In fact, there is a ten-year study of marriage that has disproved many common myths about love, soul mates, romance and even happiness as predictors of long-lasting unions.

For example, in the study, couples who initially had “soul mate” type, red hot romances AND expected that to continue throughout their marriage were more likely to divorce, probably because they were disappointed and unable to cope when the “spark” invariably faded and things like careers, money, and family competed for quality couple time.

The study also indicated that happiness isn’t necessarily a predictor of lasting matrimony. (There are various scary studies out there indicating that only between 35 – 40% of married couples would describe themselves as “happily married.”)

But, if there’s any good news, it’s this: The study also indicated that periods of unhappiness and tough times do not necessarily indicate that a marriage is doomed or will fail in the future. In fact, it followed couples who stuck out touch times and stayed married. Of those who avoided divorce, over 85 percent considered themselves happy in their marriage five years later.

So, clearly, if you and your spouse can bump up your level of commitment, work on what the places where you’re vulnerable and stick it out, your future need not be all doom and gloom. There’s no reason that, like the 85% of couples in the study, you can’t end up quite content.

Taking This Information And Making A Plan: How do you do get this commitment to save your own marriage? Well, first you need to start with what and who you can control – yourself. The truth is, the only person over whom you have total control is yourself. Yes, sometimes you can play games and guilt, badger, convince, threaten, fool or beg the divorcing or unhappy spouse to see things your way, but, in the end, this will often backfire and lose effectiveness. For lasting and long term change that actually fixes what’s broken, both partners need to eventually be willing participants.

The good news is that often one person’s small changes (at the right time and in the right way) will often encourage eventual, willing change on the part of the other. Small genuine changes that encourage true companionship and commitment feed upon themselves and tend to get easier with each small success.

What you’re trying to create is true companionship and two mutually committed partners that know they are part of the same team. Because winning teammates can fight, go through hardship, and encounter rough waters, but in the end, most everyone on a truly winning team knows that individual efforts, accomplishments, and satisfaction also ultimately strengthens and contributes to the further the success of the team.

When I was initially trying to save my marriage, I was the only one with any commitment. I was eventually able to reverse this and prevent divorce through a lot of very research, very gradual efforts, and hard work. Eventually, I got my husband on board as well. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com