Leslie Cane Articles

Occasionally, I check the stats for this blog to tell me which types of articles visitors most enjoy. This information helps me when I sit down to write future articles. However, in doing this research, I’ve noticed something that sometimes concerns me. Many visitors come by daily. Or even multiple times per day. At first glance, I am thrilled by this. The fact that visitors find the content helpful enough to return is confirmation that I’m doing something right, at least some of the time.

However, this information also gives me pause. It causes me concern that some readers may be experiencing pain by ruminating on the day-to-day turmoil of their separation. In other words, it’s possible that, like me, they are clinging too tightly. What do I mean by this? Well, I can tell you from my own experience during my separation that it’s very easy to allow your marital status to become the only thing on which you are focused.

This can be an issue when other aspects of your life can’t grow and prosper because you’re too focused on what is wrong in your life instead of pursuing what is right.

As a result, you are always coming from a place of want, desperation, and discouragement. And, in my own experience, this mindset is not healthy.

Why You May Want To Take An Occasional Break From Your Separation: I know firsthand the danger of holding on too tightly. When I was separated, I measured my day on how my husband reacted to me. Or on whether I thought my marriage had improved. If either evaluation was negative, then my day was ruined. Even if I had a wonderful day at work, or if friends had milestones worthy of celebration, I was too focused on my own struggling marriage to notice.

Eventually, not only was my marriage struggling but so were my other relationships and my sense of well-being. Of course, I don’t expect for anyone to ignore the pain of their separation. That isn’t realistic. However, I also know that it is very possible to allow the disappointment of your separation to invade all areas of your life.

Why A Balanced Perspective Is Important: Daily obsessions about your separation can become a vicious cycle. In my hard-won opinion, you need to be upbeat and optimistic during your separation. Having a positive attitude makes you more agreeable and attractive to your husband and makes a compromise so much easier. It’s hard to keep a positive attitude when you stress out about your separation day after day.

I found that when I clung too much, my pessimism negatively impacted the way that I interacted with my husband, my boss, my friends, and my family.

Ironically, things got so bad that I threw up my hands. This forced me to take a break. I traveled to visit family, which meant that I was forced not to focus on my husband as much. Understand that the break was not willpower or a brilliant plan on my part. It was only because I’d messed up so much that it was my only way to back up somewhat gracefully.

But you know what? It drastically improved things. That tiny break eventually meant that my husband was more open to me. And it allowed me a bit of a reset. Both of these things were vital to our recovery. (You can read that entire story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

How To Take Even A Small Break: It’s best if you choose your breaks, rather than having them choose you (as I did.) Constructive ways to back away are to make plans with friends, to pursue hobbies or take a class, or to dabble in self-discovery or self-improvement. Make unbreakable commitments and then follow through. However, be careful that any self-improvement isn’t just a disguised way to fix your marriage. Yes, strengthening yourself will always help your marriage. But you should seek it for yourself as much as for your marriage.

If you check in with your spouse each day, then stop there. Have a quick check-in and then go about the rest of your day productively. If you have a bad time of it, know that tomorrow is another day. Regroup and try again. One bad day or interaction with your spouse is rarely going to crush any chance of reconciliation. But it can feel that way when you cling too tightly.

I hope this article is taken in the way I intended it. My hope is for visitors to feel uplifted and hopeful. I’m grateful when anyone comes back and re-visits my articles. But I also hope that your life is full and filled with joyful activities outside of this. If not, get busy actively living your life. I’ll wait. And so will your separation.

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