Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you’re having marital issues that you just can’t resolve, “starting over” can seem like an attractive option.

Sure, you can’t literally “start over” when you’ve been in a relationship for a long time. But perhaps you can figuratively start over by focusing less on what happened in the past and more on what is going to hopefully happen in the future. 

When Starting Over As Friends Feels Like The Only Option: Sometimes things have become so bad, that the idea of a clean slate is perhaps the only positive option. 

Many husbands in tricky marital issues aren’t receptive to having any type of romantic relationship. Perhaps you are separated. Or your husband wants space. Whatever the reason, it may have become clear that he’s no longer relating to you in a romantic way. 

And that may be why you’re considering a “friends” type of relationship as a way of starting over. 

A wife might say, “my husband and I have been separated for three months. I had hoped that things would get better between us, but they honestly haven’t. He’s awfully cold and distant. He doesn’t show any interest whatsoever in going out with me romantically. There have been times when I’ve wanted to try to kiss or hug him, but his body language makes it very obvious that I would be rejected if I tried it. Even worse, if I cross that line, I fear that he won’t even allow me to be around him. ” 

So I’ve started to think that my best chance would be to ask for a “do over” and to just be friends for now. I would make it clear that I’d expect nothing more. 

I know that this would be hard for me, but I feel like that is what it is going to take. I think it is the only way that my husband will relate to me. Is this a feasible plan? It is possible to start over as friends with your own husband?”

I believe that there is a very limited use for this type of plan. And I also see some possible pitfalls in it. I’ll explain below.

Reestablishing Yourself As Friends Can Be Very Beneficial on Many Levels: When things are good, most of us consider our spouse to be our best friend. 

So it can be devastating to lose that.  

Getting even some of it back can feel like a relief.

And I always tell couples that you want to re-establish an easy, respectful rapport before you attempt to do any heavy lifting with working on your biggest issues.

Reconciliation is just not likely to work if you can’t relate to one another or if you don’t have ease between you. 

So re-establishing a friendly relationship can be the first step in re-establishing your rapport.

But this isn’t as easy as it might sound, which leads me to my next point.

You Have to Be Very Committed to Seeing This Through Some Potentially Awkward and Difficult Situations:  The hard truth is that this man really isn’t your friend.

He is your husband, and you can’t pretend that this isn’t true.

If you doubt this, ask yourself what is going to happen if he starts dating again (or if you even suspect he is.) 

What happens if he starts going out with single friends?

If these things occur, you may have to distance yourself a bit if you can’t handle it as a friend. Or you just have to remind yourself that this is the deal you struck.

Because you’ll need to actually act like a friend – not like the wife who wants to know what he’s doing and why he’s doing it.

Believe me. I know that this is an almost impossible ask. 

I was forced to back off during my own separation when my husband felt very strongly I was coming on too strong and asking too much of him. 

I had to back away from his life and from our relationship because if I hadn’t, he was going to force me to do so. 

And it was extremely hard. So hard that I had to remove myself from his vicinity to hold up my end of the bargain. 

So I think you have to go into it knowing that there are challenges, but they are challenges that may at the very least, improve your relationship with your husband. And at the most, they might help you save your marriage.

Be Willing to Go Very Slowly. Otherwise, You May Sabotage Yourself:  The biggest mistake that I see with this plan is that wives go into thinking they’ll do this “friends” thing for a short time as a means to get him back pretty quickly.

If that is your mindset, you’re already at a disadvantage.

See this friendship as an investment in your relationship. You may remain just friends. And if you do, at least you’ve maintained a positive relationship.

Bonus if you’re able to re-establish a romance, but that should not be your entire goal. 

You must know that the natural progression for this when it actually works is a gradual one. 

If you can legitimately reignite the easy, playful relationship between you, this can only be a win. If you have to accomplish this via friendship first, so be it.

I’m going to be honest and tell you that you’re probably going to need to constantly remind yourself of your role in the beginning. 

And this is okay. Whatever you need to do to make it work, go ahead and do it. 

But you need to commit to a gradual pace because if your husband sees that you’re insincere or thinks you’re only doing this as a way to trick him into a reconciliation before doing the hard work, you may only make things worse for yourself. 

In my case, playing the long game was the only thing that would have worked. Over time, my husband got wise to the games I was trying to play, so I just had to back way up. I hated the thought of it. I didn’t want to give up control. But doing so is probably the only reason I’m still married today.  You can read the rest of the story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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