Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people are interested in tips to help them successfully date their spouse during their marital separation. And this may not have been their initial intention. They may have fully intended to play hard to get or to give their spouse lots of space. But then the time begins to drag by, loneliness sets in, and you can begin to worry that your spouse might start seeing someone else if they aren’t seeing you.

So, for example, I might hear from a wife who says: “the only time that I’ve been able to spend any quality time with my husband while we have been separated is when he comes to pick up my daughter. Sometimes, he will stay for a little while to talk with me or to spend some time together as a family for the sake of our daughter. This always works out well and most of the time we laugh and joke around. I don’t want for it to sound like I am complaining about this because I’m not. But I would really like for us to go out alone together. I talked to my sister in law about this and she told me that she thinks that I should give it more time and not push it. I am not sure if she is saying this because her brother has confided in her or because she is just guessing or trying to make me take a slower pace. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize us getting back together. This is what is most important to me. But, I just can’t help but think about how nice it would be to go and have a cup of coffee or a glass of wine together where we can have couple time and not family time. That way, I might get a better handle on how my husband really feels. Because sometimes, I think that he is just being kind and sweet for the sake of our daughter. So, should I ask my separated husband out?”

Why The Answer To This Question Really Depends Upon The Situation: This can be a very tricky situation. The answer really does depend on where your husband stands and that can be extremely hard to gauge. Most of the time, I believe that the best idea is to build upon what you already have and then wait until he asks you. And the reason that I say this is because the sister in law in this case is right. Essentially, you are risking the goodwill that has already been created by pushing, even if it is only a little. This is especially true if you are separated in part because your spouse has asked for space or for time to do some soul searching.

Now, with that said, sometimes the risk is worth it. In some cases, the wife will ask the husband out and he will accept and things will go wonderfully. But many times, in this situation, it has become obvious that the husband actually wants the encounter and is very likely to say yes. I didn’t get that impression here. The fact that the wife had doubts as to whether or not this was the right thing to do may have been an indication that something was still causing her to stop short of asking. Perhaps she sensed that it was too soon or she suspected that a rejection was possible. This really is a decision that only you can make based upon the information that you have and the behavior that he has been displaying. But, if you do choose to go ahead and ask, here are some things to keep in mind.

Keep Any Encounters Very Light Hearted And Don’t Apply Pressure: Actually, the idea of just getting coffee or wine can be a good one, if you choose to go ahead and ask him. This is better than an elaborate dinner or a weekend away where it’s obvious that you have everything wrapped up on this one outing. Ultimately, it’s best to keep things short and simple. You want to have a good time. You might even get in a little flirting if it’s obvious that this will be received well. But you don’t want for things to be awkward. And you don’t want for him to feel that his saying yes means that you’re automatically assuming a reconciliation or anything so heavy.

Keep Your Expectations Low And Your Plans Simple: Truly, your only goal really should be to have a good time and to make it so that he has no reservations about getting together again and may in fact reach out to you the next time. I don’t mean to put the brakes on things or to damper your enthusiasm. Dating your spouse during the separation can be a good strategy, especially if your spouse is the one doing the asking. But I do use a bit of caution here because I’ve seen people push this (myself included) and then get rejected. And when this happens, you have to start all over and recreate that goodwill. This becomes more difficult each time.  Which is why it can be better to wait.

So while I think that this can be fine if you know that he is going to enthusiastically agree, I think that it’s best to let him ask you. If you do choose to go ahead and ask, make sure that it’s seems like a very casual invitation where you just want to relax and have a good time without any huge expectations. Because pressure is not a good addition to a separation.

Unfortunately, as you might suspect, I learned this lesson the hard way.  Every time I pushed my own husband during our separation, I had to start all over and he was more and more distant to me.  That’s why I think if you have a good and regular thing going, you should think long and hard about jeopardizing it, unless he is giving you lots of obvious encouragement. If it helps, you can read more about how I got through this process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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