Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you are separated, communication with your spouse can be very confusing. After all, when you lived together and your marriage was on track, you likely never had to think about when or how you’d communicate. If your husband was in the room and you needed or wanted to talk to him, you’d simply start a conversation. If you weren’t physically together and you had something that you needed to say, you would text or call him, depending on what was most appropriate at the time.

But when you are separated, things are not nearly as easy as all of this. Many people have had awkward, strained, or thwarted conversations during their separation. In fact, when to talk, whether to talk, or what to say is one of the most confusing topics you may encounter during your separation. Add in the fear or rejection, and it’s very normal to be afraid of messing everything up. It can leave you wondering whether you should attempt (or be receptive to) communication at all.

Here’s a typical situation. A wife might say: “when my husband and I first separated, I honestly assumed that we would check in with one another every day. Frankly, when I picked up the phone to call him, I had no hesitation. Looking back, I should have hesitated quite a bit because he clearly was not happy to hear from me. Things got so bad that sometimes he would not pick up at all. And then he started ignoring my texts. I am a stubborn person though, so I kept trying. This really saddened me because I felt so vulnerable and rejected, having to be the one who always called. So I stopped calling and reaching out. It hurt me to do this. But it hurt less than trying to communicate and continuously being rejected. This went on for about six weeks. And then suddenly last weekend, my husband started calling. I was not home the first time it happened and he left a message saying that it has been a long time since he’s heard my voice and he wants to see how I am. I figured that maybe he was just feeling guilty, so I let it go. But he called again and he’s been calling sporadically ever since. So far, I have let the calls go to voice mail and the texts go unanswered. I know it’s petty, but I feel he deserves it. Some friends of mine say that I am taking it too far. Are they right? Should I answer when he calls? Or will ignoring him make him want to talk to me even more?”

I completely understand how you are feeling. I felt the same way. I became so frustrated with being the only one who cared about our separation that I eventually just checked out for a while.  Afterward, husband eventually got with the program and then I had a choice to make.

Things To Consider: Here is a consideration that really helped. I was able to look at my own actions. I got so deflated by calling and getting no response, that I eventually checked out. After a while, I gave up. Well, now my husband was in the same situation. Could I really expect him to keep calling when I did not? And did I really want him to stop trying?

The answer was absolutely no. Think about it. If you have two people who are both trying to prove a point, you might end up with two people who never reconnect. If you don’t put an end to the stalemate, it may become permanent. This may be OK if your marriage is no longer important to you. But if it is, not speaking for extended periods of time can be quite a risk. Things tend to get more and more awkward and it can be harder to jump back in the longer the silence is present.

Compromise Can Be Key And Can Allow You Both To Get What You Want: After thinking on this for a bit and having the silence eat away at me, I decided that a compromise was in order. In the beginning of my separation, I clearly overdid things. I was ready to jump the instant my husband snapped his fingers and this did nothing to encourage him to be respectful and reliable.

So it wasn’t a bad idea to sometimes not be available each and every time he called. But it was just a bad idea to NEVER talk to him. So I did start talking and texting. But, because I’d started to create a balance and didn’t act so desperate, things improved. I don’t think you have to jump to answer the phone each and every time.

But if you want to save your marriage, you should certainly answer it some or most of the time. Because if you are going to reconcile, you need to communicate. You need to get comfortable with one another again. You need to reestablish the trust, laugh again, and start to restore some of that intimacy.

None of this is going to be possible if you never communicate. Plus, restoring the communication is usually the first step in begin to date each other again. It’s difficult for one thing to exist without the other.

So while I completely understand why you may want to let the phone ring and the texts go unanswered, I don’t think that you want to do this indefinitely. He’s now reaching out to you, which is exactly what you wanted. But there is a point where you can take things too far. Consider seeing what he has to say. See how things go. And if you feel taken for granted, you can always take a step back. But he is your husband. And he’s reaching out to you. If your marriage is still important to you, I think it may pay to see what he has to say.

I know it’s hard to be open when you feel that he rejected you in the past.  I felt that way too. But if you want your marriage back, you have to take that first step.  I’m forever grateful that I took it because we are still married today.  And there was a period of time when I thought that would never be possible.  You can read more about that at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: In today’s fast-paced world, patience is a virtue that is quickly becoming rare. Because of new technology that is changing and improving all of the time, we get information almost instantaneously. We are always working, taking in new information, and processing that same information at a feverish pace.

And yet, there is a trend toward at least trying to slow down in some areas of our lives. Experts tell us the importance of  mindfulness. They warn that we are going to burn out if we don’t make the effort to slow down the pace on a regular basis. But many of us find this very difficult. How many of us have sat down to try meditation only to find that our brains and our thoughts rev the second that we do?

And this churning mind can happen during normal times in our lives. But in times of stress, our mind’s revving is about ten times worse. How then, do you handle it when your separated spouse asks that you are patient at the one exact time that you can be anything but?

A wife might describe this situation: “my husband pushed for a separation for almost a year before I finally gave in. So you have to understand that we’ve been going through this process for longer than the amount of time that we have actually been separated – which is just a little over four months. I feel like we have made a little progress while separated, but my husband feels that there is much more that needs to happen before we can reconcile. He is telling me that I must be patient. But I have to tell you that I am not a patient person. It is not in my psychological make up. I have a job in which decisions are made in milliseconds. I sprint for stress relief.  Speed is almost a high for me. I am not one to sit still or watch TV or read a book. And my husband already knows this about me. I have explained this to him, but his attitude is that I must find a way to be patient because he will not be rushed. How am I supposed to be patient? That is like asking a vegetarian to eat steak.”

I know that it is difficult to be patient, but I also know that it is often the best call. From my own situation and from watching and hearing about this from other couples, it is pretty clear to me that the couples who do not rush it and who lay a foundation of change and growth while separated fare better in the end. The couples who rush and who reconcile before anything has actually changed face risk that the reconciliation is not going to work.

So, as difficult as I know that having patience can be, I believe that it’s a good idea. Below, I’ll share some things that helped me to be patient. But before I do, I want to mention that it’s not clear if some sort of counseling is in place.  If not, this is probably the fastest way to show your husband the progress that he is looking for.  It’s silly to have patience for change that might not come on its own.  A counselor can help you identify the issues and make real change in the most efficient way.

Acceptance: I believe that this is a necessary first step. Until you accept that patience is necessary, you are going to continue to fight and resist it, which is going to make life much harder for you. The first step is accepting that it’s going to need to happen for very valid reasons. Acceptance lessens the chance that you’re going to negatively resist it.

Set Up A Lifestyle That Allows You To Cultivate Patience: I know that this is going to feel weird at first. And there are some areas in our lives where we don’t have the luxury of patience. Many of us have fast-paced jobs that actually reward speed. And that’s fine in that aspect of our lives. But that makes it more necessary than ever to balance it out with a slower pace in our home life. I know it is probably pointless for me to ask you to begin meditating for say, twenty minutes per day. But I think that almost everyone can listen to calm music for five minutes while closing their eyes and just zoning out.

When I was separated, this was the only way that I could even attempt meditation, but it works quite well. And I find it just as effective. The music is necessary for me. Because I love listening to it and it allows my mind to stop in a way that silence never would. People say that this is cheater’s meditation, but I am fine with that. I figure that whatever works for you is perfectly fine.

So this covers at least beginning to cultivate patience by sitting still. But what about in terms of your marriage? For me, I did this by setting up situations that forced me not to focus on my separation. I set up things that forced me to take a break. I asked friends to regularly ask me to go places with them. I visited family and friends in other cities to force some distance between us. I volunteered my time to charities that were important to me. This was actually one of the more effective tactics, because it allowed me to see that there were much bigger problems in the world than my romantic life.

And there were times when I would force myself to not look at my marriage in terms that were so immediate. When I felt myself clinging too tightly, I would force myself to stop by telling myself that, just for today, I’d wait for my husband to reach out to me instead of picking up the phone yet again. Sometimes, he actually would and I’d be pleasantly surprised. Sometimes, he wouldn’t and I would busy myself with other things.

I learned something important during this time. Dwelling on the slower pace often does not change it. The result is that you are only more unhappy about it. But if you accept it and change your life so that it is easier, you may find that you’re working with it instead of against it. And things may change for you on many levels.

As I alluded to, patience was one of the hardest issues for me during my own separation.  I only reluctantly accepted it because pushing was making my husband avoid me.  Once I accepted it and started to act on it, things changed. You can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Some spouses are very open and honest when they are unhappy and considering a separation. And when these spouses eventually ask for a separation, there is no big surprise, although there might be a lot of disappointment. Many will tell you that having this kind of warning is a double edged sword. Yes, you do have some time to try to stall or to try to stop the separation. But, if you aren’t successful, then all of the time before the actual separation is just a painful time that is filled with dread.

Someone might describe it this way: “about two weeks ago, my husband told me that he is considering a separation. Honestly, his personality has changed over the last six months. It is as if one day he came home from work as a different person. My normally laid back and relaxed husband is now uptight and critical. Every tiny thing seemed to set him off. Nothing I did made him happy. He seems pretty determined that a separation is what he wants. But I am equally determined that a separation is not what I want. And it infuriates me that my children do not get a say in this. What can I do?”

Before I attempt to answer, I want to stress that this article will not discuss any legal issues. I’d highly recommend that you see an attorney with any legal concerns. I’m also not a marriage counselor, but I can give you tips from my own experience that I believe may help to make the process a little less contentious.

Because marriages can fall apart during a separation. You have people who are filled with doubt and fear and this can cause them to lash out or to do things that they would otherwise never consider. This pain can bring out the worst in people. And things can get so bad that the most logical thing is a divorce. So, in the following article, I’ll offer some tips to try and help you avoid that.

Don’t Be Very Obvious About Using Negative Tactics To Talk Him Out Of The Separation: Probably the most common strategy used here is to go into panic mode and to present all of the reasons that he should change his mind. I did this as well. At the time, this seems like the most sensible strategy to take. We present this in all sorts of negative ways. We ask him if he has considered the children. We tell him that he is being selfish or childish. We argue that things aren’t really so bad and that he’s just expecting perfection when in fact no marriage is perfect. We tell him that he’s experiencing a mid life crisis and that he will end up an old, confused fool who is alone with no one to take care of him. In short, we try to make him feel guilty, scared, and beaten down so that he will “give in” and just drop this whole separation idea.

I know that the above may have sounded very harsh. I don’t mean to imply that we are mean or unfeeling when we do this. I am neither of those things but I tried all of the above to get my husband to reconsider the separation. None of them worked, by the way. In the end, my husband only saw me as the petty, cruel person who was trying to stand in the way of his happiness and who was trying to control him. He thought that I didn’t understand him and maybe, he reasoned, I never would. And because of these things, he only wanted the separation more quickly.

Making Him Think That You Are Offering More Support Than Pressure: I know that you may be thinking: “ok, maybe I do understand that I shouldn’t approach the separation in this way. But, what am I supposed to do? Just stand by and watch him leave me?”

I wouldn’t take it that far. Of course you are going to want to change his mind. Many wives are actually successful with this. You want for him to look around and see that actually, all he needs to be happy and content are things that are already within him and already underneath his own roof.

However, many of us already understand this and we attempt to make him see that he can be happy with us by trying to be overly sweet and accommodating. Unfortunately, this can come off as wrong as the negative examples above. Why? Because he may still see it as your trying to manipulate him and therefore, even if is genuine, he is going to reject it.

The better tactic is often approaching him in a very direct, straight forward way that offers support instead of manipulation. In fact, anything that you try must come from a genuine place. Otherwise, he will see through it and be on his guard as far as you are concerned.

I wish I’d used this strategy. I did use it eventually and I did get my husband back. But I only realized this months into the separation, which had already caused damage and pain. I decided to back off and allow my husband the time he needed. I started to approach him as someone who wanted to support him and help him rather than as someone who wanted to change him. I stressed that I just wanted to maintain some sort of relationship, even if that relationship might ultimately no longer be marriage, depending on what we both decided.

It really comes down to this. As long as he thinks you are trying to manipulate him, he is going to resist. But when you stance your change from manipulation to support from a distance, you often have a much better chance of changing his mind because he isn’t resisting.

As I alluded to, once I loosened my grip on my husband, he wasn’t as intent on a separation.  But the harder I tried to assert my control over him, the more he pulled away.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you’re separated and struggling to get your husband to respond to or communicate with you, him actually reaching out to you can feel like a cause for celebration.  Having your husband say “we need to talk” can feel like a fantasy come true. It may be what you’ve been waiting for all along. But then you start to really think about it and you start to feel afraid. Of course, the hope is that he wants to talk about seeing more of you – or perhaps eventually reconciling.

But it could also go the other way. What if he wants to talk about a divorce? What if he wants to tell you that this whole separation business just isn’t working out? Needless to say, as much as you want this conversation to happen, you can begin to feel quite panicked about it.

A wife might say: “I haven’t seen my husband face-to-face in about six weeks. I was always wanting to communicate during our separation. But he wasn’t. He did the whole ‘I need space’ bit and seemed to want me to keep my distance. I was very determined in the beginning. I kept calling and trying even when it felt like he was rejecting me all of the time. Eventually, I got the hint and I told him that I would wait for him to reach out to me and not bug him anymore. Well, last night, my husband called me.  After making small talk for a few minutes, my husband indicated that he wanted to meet for drinks because he said ‘we need to talk.’  He did not indicate what he wants to talk about.  My fantasy is that he is now reaching out to me because he misses me. But he could just as easily say that he wants a divorce. I don’t know what to expect at this meeting. And I am tempted to call him and ask him, but I worry that doing that would mess everything up. What are you supposed to expect when your separated husband tells you that you need to talk?”

Honestly, it’s very hard to answer the question. As you already suspect, some husbands just want to see their wives and don’t have any big agenda. Others miss her and want to start seeing more of her. And yet others want to tell her that they are moving toward divorce, although I don’t think that you should assume this.

Try Not To Have Expectations That Are Too Firm: I know that it’s hard not to go into this with a huge amount of baggage. That baggage might include a huge amount of hope or a huge amount of dread – or both at the same time. But I think that, to the extent you can, you are better off just trying to be as calm as possible and open to the possibilities. You don’t want to negatively influence the outcome in any way before you even know what he might say.

As far as calling him asking him what the meeting is about, I know that this may seem tempting. But I think there may be a reason that he didn’t just already tell you what it is about on the phone – because he wants to see you face to face.

When you actually meet, I think it’s best to try to be open and receptive. Let him do the talking. He’s called the meeting, so it’s fair to assume that he will take the lead and say what he needs to say. Try to let him finish without interrupting him.

Try To Set The Groundwork: Here’s hoping that there is no big revelation. Perhaps he just wanted to start seeing more of you and this meeting is the beginning. Whatever you do, you want to try to make sure that your reaction sets the groundwork for future meetings between you – with things improving each time.

That’s why it’s best not to have a huge, dramatic reaction either way. If the meeting goes well, you don’t necessarily need to assume that a reconciliation is imminent or immediate. Likewise, if things don’t go as you want them to, you don’t need to assume that you’re going to be divorced in a weeks’ time.

Know That Immediacy Isn’t Likely And That’s OK: Both a reconciliation or a divorce would take time. Nothing is going to be immediate. Try very hard to remember that. Most of all, try very hard to keep this in perspective. For a long time, seeing your husband is what you have wanted. Now, that is going to happen – at his request, no less. So I think it makes sense to be cautiously optimistic and to tell yourself that you will have an open and hopeful attitude. In the event he tells you something that you do not want to hear, you can and will deal with that at the time. But nothing says you can’t go into the meeting with a positive attitude. Because the downside and risk to that is much less than going to the meeting with a negative or sour attitude.

Try not to worry too much. Whatever happens, I think it’s safe to say that there will be future meetings either way. I know that it feels like the entire future may swing because of one meeting, but that’s rarely the case. Sure, this meeting may set the course for the future. But we can always try to change things that we are not happy with.

I know how you feel.  I used to think that one encounter with my husband was going to sway the outcome of everything.  This was rarely true.  We had some awful encounters which left me sure we would end up divorced.  And surprisingly, we did not.  You can read more about the outcome on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  It’s natural to want to see your separated spouse more often and in a more meaningful way.  However, if your husband is the one who initiated the separation or the one who wanted space, then it can feel very scary when you ask to see more of him.

You can be afraid that he will simply turn you down.  You can fear rejection.  And you might hesitate because you fear that he will begin to avoid you in order to keep from being asked twice.  So you end up with the choice of just giving up and accepting that you may not see him very much or coming up with a crafty way to ask him out so that you don’t sound desperate, pathetic, or needy.

A wife might say: “as it stands right now, I only see my separated husband when he picks up the kids for his weekend visits.  He comes and picks them up and then I take them home after church.  We do sit together at church, but there is very little conversation between us.  Right now, we talk on the phone a couple of times per week.  Things are not nasty between us.  We are cordial.  My husband seems relatively friendly.  But I want more than this. I’d like to see him once a week to reconnect.  But I am scared to ask him.  I have discussed this with a coworker and she says that if he wanted to see me more, he would ask.  She thinks that it is a mistake to ask him and says that I should be more patient.  I am not sure if I can.  I worry that if we don’t start seeing each other regularly, he will begin to date again, although he assures me that this is not going to happen.  So, is there any way to ask him on a date without fearing rejection or looking pathetic?”

This is a tough one, but perhaps I am projecting my own issues  Early on in my separation, I did ask my husband to get away for weekend.  Of course, he said no.  And after he did, he stopped taking my calls for a while.  I’m sure he thought I was pushing, so he pushed back, sending the nonverbal message that he wanted me to respect his space.  I’m not saying that this is what would happen in your case, but there is a risk here.

Minimize The Risk: If you ask this too early on, you may delay any progress because your husband will retreat. And you have to be careful that any request that you make seems extremely casual.  You need to make it sound as if there’s not so much riding on this – almost as if it’s an afterthought.

I always hesitate to even suggest that someone put their kids in the middle.  The kids should never be used as an “in” for trying to reconcile your marriage.  But since you are already at church together, you could invite him to go to lunch.  (Or if you think that is too much of a stretch, to come back to your home for a sandwich.)

If you go this route, then you have to be very careful.  Because it would not be right to ask him to accompany you on a family lunch and then try to make it a romantic lunch for two.  You have to be clear that there are boundaries that can’t be crossed.  If you’re going that route, then you want to have a light, casual lunch with your children, where the focus is on just that – your children.  No talk about your marriage.

This may not sound as if the lunch offers you much progress, but it actually might.  It sets up a clearer path in the future.  If he says yes to this, then later, as you make more progress, it won’t seem as weird if you ask him when it’s only the two of you.

Making The Most Of Any Existing Opportunities: The other option is to ask him to accompany you to an obligation where it would seem weird if you were going alone.  Examples are a work function, a parent / teacher conference, or a birthday party for a family member of mutual friends.  In these situations, it’s normal to not want to explain your spouse’s absence, so it’s just easier to take him along, assuming he is willing to go.

Your spouse isn’t as likely to read something into this if it’s clear that his attendance avoids a lot of unnecessary explaining.  And while this “date” may not be ideal, it offers less of a chance of rejection and it could lead to something else.

Whatever route you take, you want it to be casual.  You don’t want to put so much pressure on one outing.  And you want to chose something where there are other people around and other things to do, so that if things turn awkward, you can place your attention toward other things.  You want this to be a low pressure situation that can easily succeed and not require a lot of effort out of either one of you.

It’s tempting to want to set up a romantic, intimate outing for just the two of you.  But this set up can go wrong.  There is too much pressure and many people find that they are met with uncomfortable silence and an early night.  When this happens, people are reluctant to try again.  So it’s better to keep things light while keeping expectations low.  If you do this, there is nowhere to go but up.

As I alluded to, my early attempts to “date” my husband were total disasters and set me back by weeks.  I later became much more crafty at being casual and not so transparent.  And this made all of the difference.  You can read more about this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s an awful feeling when you have to watch your marriage ending and know that it is at least in part your fault. It’s even harder when you know that you could change things if only given a chance. But you don’t know if you will ever get that chance. Since it is not your decision as to whether or not you deserve it. This decision is entirely up to your husband, who you have hurt or disappointed him in the past. And, as a result, you are now having serious difficulty in making him believe that the future could be different.

Someone might find themselves in a situation like this: “I will admit that I have always had trouble with lies. Even as a small child, I would lie when there was absolutely no reason to do it. Maybe it was just to see if I could get away with it. Most of the time, my lies don’t really end up being hurtful. But sometimes, they do. Recently, I neglected to pass on information that my husband’s family asked me to share. Frankly, I forgot about it and then, because I did not want to not look stupid, I told my husband that they never gave me the information. He found the email I deleted. I tried to feign ignorance, but my husband has dealt with my lies for years and so he could be pretty certain that there was no misunderstanding. I simply lied. On top of this, I lied to my husband about promotions and raises at work. I did not get one. So, to save face, I told him that no one in my department got one. Well, he saw one of my co workers at the store and so my lie was exposed. He came home and told me that he can no longer live with someone who lies constantly. He packed a bag and left. I heard from him a couple of days later and he is staying with one of our friends. I told him that I would change and that I would see a counselor to stop my lying. He said he doesn’t believe me because I always lie and now I’m just making promises to trick him into coming back. The thing is, I am truly serious about changing. How can I get him to give me another chance? Our marriage was pretty good, but he got really fed up with this issue. I feel like if I can remove the issue, our marriage can be good again. But that is only if I can convince him to give me a chance.”

Getting a reluctant spouse to give you another chance can be tricky. A reluctant spouse can have some doubts about your claims or promises of change, but this is never more true than when your core issue is lying. He doubts everything you say because he has been conditioned to think that you are lying. Breaking this doubt is going to take some time and some decent planning. Below, I will offer some tips that I’ve found helpful in similar situations. However, there often isn’t one magic thing to do or say. Because you’re dealing with a spouse who has doubts, you have to be patient. And you have to accept that this might be gradual. If you push, then your spouse will think that your promises aren’t real and that your changes aren’t genuine.

Don’t Make Any Claims That You Can’t Back Up: I think that in this case, it might be unrealistic to tell your spouse that you will never lie again. By your own admission, you’ve lied over the course of many years. You don’t mean this in a malicious way. It has simply become a habit. Research tells us that most habits take at least a month to be broken. So promising that you will change immediately just isn’t realistic on so many levels.

But what you can honestly say is that you are going to get help in order to change. You can make an appointment with a counselor and you’d telling the complete truth when you share this with your husband. You can educate yourself about what contributes to this and how you might gradually break this habit. Don’t make claims that can’t possibly be true, but share whatever help you’re getting or what steps that you are taking.

Accept That It Will Likely Take Proving Yourself Over Time Before Your Spouse Truly Feels No Reservations In Giving You Another Chance: Just for a second, I’d like for you to think of a situation where you were scared or hesitant to do something. Think about what it took to win you over. Here’s an example that I just thought of.  Many people were thinking about buying a home at the time the housing recovery started. But, many of them waited because they wanted to see if the economic data would continue to show that it was “safe” to go into the housing market. Your spouse is watching you in the same way. They are probably going to need you to show them change more than once before they truly believe in you again. And, this is understandable.

Have patience. Know that anything worthwhile is worth waiting for. And tell yourself that it’s vital that you truly work and better yourself rather than just striving to get your spouse back as soon as possible without worrying about long term change. Because really, you want to get him back at the right time and in the right way so that you can legitimately make good on your claims and show him that he was absolutely right in giving you another chance. Because for many people, you won’t get another chance if you lure him in only to resort back to your old ways. Many spouses will only give you a few chances – at the most. So don’t waste it. Make sure that any claims you make are true.

I knew without any doubt that I was only going to get one chance with my husband once we were separated.  I had to work very hard and wait quite a long time for that chance.  But in the meantime, I worked hard on myself so that the chance wouldn’t be in vain. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s normal to over analyze nearly everything when you are separated but do not want to be. This is especially true if you were hoping for a quick resolution but you now suspect that things aren’t going as well as they could.

It’s human nature to be absolutely sure of the situation when things are going wrong, but to be unsure of it when things are going right. Because so much is at stake, you don’t to be wrong. And if things have been going wrong for a while, it can be hard to believe that there is actually progress being made.  You can begin to wonder if you are just seeing things that aren’t there because you are so hopeful for a reconciliation.

Here’s an example. Someone might say: “my husband and I have been separated for three months. He is the one who did this. He is the one who wanted it. For the first couple of months, we did not speak at all. Now we are speaking, but the conversations are not exactly loving. We are polite and we participate in small talk, but this is so different from the way that we used to interact when things were good between us. My husband just asked me to go to his mother’s birthday party and I’m very happy about that. But my cousin says that I am getting excited way too fast. She said that you can’t count politeness as real progress. Is she right? How do you know that you’re making progress during your separation?”

I can give you some signs that I’ve seen when progress is made. I am not a therapist, but these are my observations. And I think that there are different degrees of progress. When you start with no where to go but up, then even small steps forward can be legitimate progress. In that sense, I disagree with you cousin. I don’t think that you can deny that progress is being made. What your cousin may have actually meant is that progress takes a while and that you may be at the beginning of the process. But that’s OK.  Any progress is reason for celebration. Below, are some signs that you can watch out for to indicate progress. This may make you feel better and give you some confidence that what you are experiencing is not just wishful thinking.

Things Feel Less Awkward And Forced: When you initially separate, it can almost feel like you are dealing with a stranger. It seems weird that you feel as though you have to tip toe around your husband since you don’t know what he’s feeling or what he wants. Where the relationship used to feel so effortless and easy, it now feels forced.

When you start to see real progress, things begin to feel just a bit easier between you. Although you may not know how things are going to turn out, you no longer have to worry that every conversation is going to be a disaster.

You Find That Your Husband Is Making An Effort To Reach Out To You: Initially, it can feel as if you are the one who is doing all of the work, doing all of the giving, and making all of the concessions. Honestly, in the initial stages of my own separation, there were times when I felt like a stalker. I’m partially kidding, but it felt like my husband didn’t want much to do with me and that it was me who couldn’t take a hint. It was always me who called. It was always me who remembered important dates and occasions. If we were going to communicate in any way, it was going to be me who took the initiative.

Once we made a little bit of progress, he started to call me occasionally. With a little more time, he started to call more regularly and took the initiative toward face to face meetings. I no longer was solely responsible for all interactions.

It can take some time to get to this point. It can be very gradual. So if you aren’t there yet, you don’t need to feel discouraged. Remember that it is often a matter of degrees and that every journey begins with a single step.

You Begin To Evaluate, Try To Improve Your Relationship, And Gain Some Confidence As A Result: This is often the last step before a reconciliation and this can take a while. But once things are going well between you and it’s pretty obvious that both people are invested and committed to reconciling, you get to a point where you unite in order to fix the issues in your marriage.

I highly recommend not rushing this step. It should wait until the very end. Because when you are separated but making progress, your reconciliation attempts may still be quite fragile. It is better to go slowly than to risk the progress that you have made.

This might seem a long way off and that’s OK. This is usually a gradual process, but believe it or not, that’s to your benefit. Rushing sometimes leads to regression and a lack of confidence. This is not what you want. Instead, you want to make slow and steady progress that ensures confidence and lasting stability.

Believe me, I was very tempted to try and rush my own separation so that I saw progress.  But every time I even slightly attempted this, it turned into a disaster.  I had to consciously slow myself down before I was able to make true progress.  The rest of the deals are on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, when you have done everything that you can do to ask your spouse to change, you feel as if you have to do something much more drastic to finally get results. When you’ve begged, pleaded, and tried to reason and it hasn’t worked, you feel like there’s no cards left to play – except for maybe veiled threats or manipulations. We often save this strategy for the very end – until we have tried everything else. Because most of us know that it’s not ideal. But we don’t know what else to do.

Someone might explain it this way: “for the past two years, our marriage has gone from bad to worse. When my husband lost his father, it hit him very hard. Instead of talking about it, like I wish he would have, he changed his life and started to live recklessly. He started going out with guys at work who are bad news. His work performance suffered. He started ignoring me at home and just being a bad husband. He was sarcastic and almost mean-spirited. He challenged me when I told him that he was going down a troubling path. Then he started going with these bad friends to the race track and I found out that he had been gambling. He started being an absent-parent to our children. I have told him repeatedly that I am at the end of my rope with my marriage. I have told him that he has to change. But all of this fell on deaf ears. Last week, he forgot our anniversary. This made something in me snap. I told him that I wanted a divorce because I felt that our marriage was too far gone. I honestly was playing a game because I fully expected for him to beg me not to do this and to promise that he would change. I especially expected this because I knew that my husband would not want to take a back-seat role in his children’s life. Much to my shock, he came back to me after a couple of hours and announced that I was right and that he agreed with me. He said that it made him sad to admit that we were thinking about a divorce. But he stressed that if he were honest with himself, he had to admit that it was probably the best thing. I didn’t know what to say. I was stunned. This was not what I wanted. I think at this point he’s expecting me to go to an attorney to get the process started. So now I either have to admit that I was playing games or file for the divorce that I never wanted. What do I do now?”

This is a tough one, but I think that you might have a couple of options outside of the two that you have listed. I’m not an expert in this, which is why my first suggestion is that you see one. You mentioned how important your children are to your husband. There is nothing wrong with asking your husband to go counseling for the benefit of the children. Many parents go to counseling when separating or divorcing in order to learn how to navigate this in a healthy way for your children. You could even tell him that you’re not going to file for divorce until a good deal of this counseling has already taken place.

I have known couples that have gone in for counseling for their children and have come out with their marriage saved. It may not have started out as their intention, but as they worked through their issues for the sake of co-parenting, they looked around and asked themselves why, if they had erased their issues, were they moving forward toward the divorce?

Also, this counseling might be a real turning point for your husband, who has likely never dealt with the death of his father and is still struggling because of it – which is why you are still seeing this behavior.

The other alternative is to just tell him the truth and then try to transition into counseling. Here is what it might look like: “I was not honest with you before, but I’m going to be honest with you now. When I told you that I wanted a divorce, I was just trying to scare you because I didn’t know what else to do. I was hoping that you would change. This wasn’t the right thing for me to do, but I didn’t know how else to bring about change. I don’t truly want a divorce, but I want for things to change. You said that you were sad about the divorce, so if we both negative feelings about it, why don’t we try to get help before we go that route? Why don’t we try a short course of counseling? If it’s going well, we can continue and we try to save our marriage. Isn’t it worth it to try before we just walk away?”

The hope is that the counseling will help with both your marriage and his individual issues, but I think that because the marriage is being negatively affected by issues that he hasn’t been able to process, a professional is best qualified to deal with this and would be most effective in helping you turn that corner.

This is much preferable to just going forward with the divorce you absolutely don’t want because you feel the need to see this through rather than trying something else or admitting that you weren’t completely honest.

I actually get a lot of correspondence from people who reluctantly divorced and now deeply regret it. I believe it’s easier to save your marriage before it ends than to try to get back a divorced spouse.  But that’s only my opinion. You can read my own struggles with this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I find that, as we age, the things that initially attracted us to other people can sometimes change. For example, when I was younger, I valued money and material possessions in my friends and the people who I wanted to date. If a guy had a nice car, that scored a few more points with me. I didn’t consider that the guy’s father might have bought him that car and that he did nothing to earn it.  I never considered what this might have said about someone’s character. Today, I don’t care what type of car someone drives. I’m more concerned about their financial responsibility and their character.

The same can be true about bad boys. Many young women like and chase them. I think that the reason for this is partially that young women are exposed to this as being “cool” with movie stars and rock stars. As a result, they will sometimes turn a blind eye toward that geeky but so sweet guy in their art class for the guy with the leather jacket who never even shows up to class. And it’s one thing to do this in high school but then to grow out of it. But what happens if you marry a bad boy and he never grows up? Well, it sometimes requires honesty and adjustment.

A wife might tell a story like this one. “When I met my husband, his hair was down his back and he drove a motorcycle. He was older than me, so he never went to my high school. We met when he came into the restaurant where I worked. My parents didn’t like him from the get go. They felt that he was very irresponsible, would never grow up, and would never amount to anything. In some ways, their concerns were justified. We ended up getting married because I became pregnant. Looking back now, I realize that I was kind of happy about the pregnancy because I knew that this was probably the only way to ever get him to marry me. He was not the kind of man to be tied down. Today, his hair is shorter, but he still favors leather jackets and he would still be what you’d consider a bad boy. He still smokes and occasionally drinks. He doesn’t take anything from anyone and he will rarely compromise. He works when he wants because he owns his own business but he’s content to just get by. He’s not a great communicator. I would say that he’s a better father than anyone gives him credit for, but he’s not always the best husband. He isn’t overly sweet except when he surprises me on rare occasions. He still has dangerous hobbies like racing his motorcycle. He never wants to talk about finances, the future, or other things that would show responsibility. Some of my coworkers have their homes paid off and are looking at second homes as an investment to grow wealth. My husband would never do this. It took me years to talk him into buying instead of renting. He is very much a fly by the seat of your pants type of person, while I see that as acting like a child. Sometimes when I look at him and I base him solely on his looks and our chemistry, my heart beats a little faster. And other times, when we argue about everyday tasks that adults have to think about, I feel nothing but frustration toward him. I am starting to think that marrying a bad boy was a huge mistake. I am starting to think that bad boys won’t ever make good husbands.”

I understand where you are coming from. When I was in high school and college, I loved the bad boys too. I think that is just common among some teenage girls. However, I would not classify my husband as one today. Or, maybe I would classify him as a reformed one. And I can tell you that no marriage, and no match, is perfect – no matter what type of personalities you were dealing with in high school. Even that geeky guy in art class I was talking about above probably had his flaws.  I can also tell you that the bad boy who used to drive me crazy in his muscle car now drives a mini van and is crazy about his children and wife (a woman I went to school with also.) He still has an unconventional way of thinking sometimes, but he adores his family and he would do anything for them. The point that I’m trying to make is that I think all people are capable of change when he are faced with adult responsibilities. I was much more shallow and uncaring as a young person. Today, I cringe at some of the things I said and did. Some of my past behavior makes me ashamed today.  But I can’t change that. I can only try to be better today.

Along the same lines, I’d suspect that your husband has grown as a person in some areas. And I’d also suspect that, with a little work, he can change in other needed areas if doing so would benefit his family. The first step is to make him aware of the need to do so.

But before you do this, you have to prioritize what you want to change. If you just spring all of your complaints on him, it sounds as if you’re just criticizing. Perhaps his smoking could be the first course of business because it jeopardizes your future. If he gets sick from smoking, he may not be able to be as present for his kids. Approach him about the most important things first – one at a time – and tell him how much you love him and want him to be present with you as long as is possible. Tell him that you are having the courage to say this because you want for him to be around for a long time.

Be careful that you don’t attempt a complete overhaul of him. You don’t want to erase the edge that made you crazy in love with him in the first place. You don’t want to change the core of who he is. You just want him to make some of the compromises that adults and family men have to make.

However, to address one of the initial questions, it’s my opinion that former bad boys can make good husbands – particularly those who are willing to adjust their habits for the benefit of their families. I’m not proud of all aspects of my former self, but most of my selfish behavior disappeared when I had other people who I had to think about it. I find that this is true in many cases – you may just have to gently bring his attention to this.

I think all people resort back to old styles of behavior sometimes.  It’s our comfort zones and it’s where we go in times of stress.  But people can change.  I have.  My own husband has.  But it’s better when you can encourage your spouse to want to change instead of making them feel criticized.  In some ways, I learned this the hard way and it almost cost me my marriage. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: In a perfect world, your spouse would be your biggest cheerleader. He is the one who should lift you up and defend you against all others. When you’re feeling bad about yourself or have doubts, he is the one who should tell you that you are more than fine just the way you are – or at the very least offer positive support. So when it is your own spouse who is offering criticisms or telling you the many ways that you fall short or that you should change, it’s extremely hurtful. And it can make you question his love for you as well as your marriage.

A wife might describe an upsetting situation like this one: “When I met my husband, he made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. No one had seen me in the way that he did and perhaps that is why I was absolutely addicted to being around him. He gave me more confidence and I loved it. But now, it’s like he is determined to rip that confidence away from me. Because he knows me better than anyone else, he is able to point out all of the things that are wrong with me. I admit that I don’t look exactly as I did on our wedding day, but who does? I do make a huge effort, but there’s an aging process that you can’t always stop in its tracks. I’m apparently not blonde enough or thin enough. I apparently don’t make enough money and am not as interesting as women that my husband works with. Every weekend, we used to spend the entire time together – just the two of us. Now, my husband always invites friends and family along – as if it’s not enough to be with just me. As if I’m not good enough to keep his attention the whole time. This is hurting me so much. It makes me think that he doesn’t love me anymore. And it makes me think that, in the end, my marriage isn’t going to last.”

Evaluate What You’re Looking At – Is This Scapegoating?  Or Something Else?: I understand your concern and I sympathize with you. I am all about saving marriages, but I think you may have an added challenge unless you can get your husband to communicate with you in a more positive way, which I definitely think is possible. He may not even be aware that he sounds so critical. And frankly, sometimes when a person isolates all their frustration on a person who is so close to them, it makes me wonder if they are just using that person as a scapegoat and projecting their own frustrations. What I mean by this is that sometimes, when people have something troubling in their lives or something that they dislike something about themselves, they will project this onto those closest to them. So when your husband tells you that you don’t make enough money, he might actually be disappointed in his own earning power. When he says you’re not thin, he may be noticing that he himself has put on a few pounds. But instead of handling that in an objective way, he sounds critical toward you.

Know That His Criticisms May Be A Reflection On Him, Rather Than A Reflection Of You: I don’t mean to defend him. That’s not my intention. I am just telling you this because I want you to be aware that his criticisms may have nothing to do with you and don’t reflect your worth. It’s possible that he feels bad about a situation or himself right now and he is projecting all of that unto you – which comes out in critical comments. And I don’t want you to take them personally or have them as a stimulus for you feeling bad about yourself.

Putting It On The Table So You Have More Productive Conversations About The Real Issue: I think that before you can solve anything, I’d suggest attempting to get him to communicate with you in a less hurtful way. It’s hard to solve things when you feel personally attacked and therefore defensive.

So the next time that he begins saying things that sound personal and unfair, you might try something like: “I need to cut in for a minute because I don’t want for us to keep going on this way. When you say things like that to me, it hurts me. It makes me feel unloved. I do not think that you intend for that to happen and I have my doubts that you are even aware of what you are doing. But when you say things like that, it makes me feel attacked. It makes me feel like you don’t think I’m good enough and that you’re sorry that you’re married to me. It makes me feel criticized. I don’t think that you mean to do this on purpose but that is the way that I feel. And so it’s hard for me to actually hear what you are saying objectively because all I can focus on is the pain of the criticism. So I am going to ask you to speak of specific things that can be changed instead of general things that are only meant to hurt. For example, instead of generally telling me that I don’t make enough money, I’d rather you say something specific like where you think we have money waste in our household. Instead of telling me I’m not pretty enough, I’d like to hear specifics about what the real issue is. Do you understand the difference? Because right now, this isn’t getting either of us closer to what we want. It just makes me feel hurt and it probably makes you feel frustrated. So, let’s get to the real issue here. What is bothering you the most? How can we help each other?”

I’m hopeful that this conversation might begin to change things. If it doesn’t, I’d strongly suggest seeing someone objective who can help you communicate more effectively and figure out what is really at play. Because the type of communication that you’re describing rarely brings any resolution. It just brings about damage and hurt feelings. Watch his reaction because it may give you valuable clues about what is really at play.

Sometimes, when you have conflict in your marriage, you have to learn a new style of communication.  My husband and I communicate very differently now than we did before we were separated. We both knew that if we resorted back to our old ways, we wouldn’t make it.  So we both had to concentrate on change.  It’s not easy, but it is possible.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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