Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you’re separated and struggling to get your husband to respond to or communicate with you, him actually reaching out to you can feel like a cause for celebration.  Having your husband say “we need to talk” can feel like a fantasy come true. It may be what you’ve been waiting for all along. But then you start to really think about it and you start to feel afraid. Of course, the hope is that he wants to talk about seeing more of you – or perhaps eventually reconciling.

But it could also go the other way. What if he wants to talk about a divorce? What if he wants to tell you that this whole separation business just isn’t working out? Needless to say, as much as you want this conversation to happen, you can begin to feel quite panicked about it.

A wife might say: “I haven’t seen my husband face-to-face in about six weeks. I was always wanting to communicate during our separation. But he wasn’t. He did the whole ‘I need space’ bit and seemed to want me to keep my distance. I was very determined in the beginning. I kept calling and trying even when it felt like he was rejecting me all of the time. Eventually, I got the hint and I told him that I would wait for him to reach out to me and not bug him anymore. Well, last night, my husband called me.  After making small talk for a few minutes, my husband indicated that he wanted to meet for drinks because he said ‘we need to talk.’  He did not indicate what he wants to talk about.  My fantasy is that he is now reaching out to me because he misses me. But he could just as easily say that he wants a divorce. I don’t know what to expect at this meeting. And I am tempted to call him and ask him, but I worry that doing that would mess everything up. What are you supposed to expect when your separated husband tells you that you need to talk?”

Honestly, it’s very hard to answer the question. As you already suspect, some husbands just want to see their wives and don’t have any big agenda. Others miss her and want to start seeing more of her. And yet others want to tell her that they are moving toward divorce, although I don’t think that you should assume this.

Try Not To Have Expectations That Are Too Firm: I know that it’s hard not to go into this with a huge amount of baggage. That baggage might include a huge amount of hope or a huge amount of dread – or both at the same time. But I think that, to the extent you can, you are better off just trying to be as calm as possible and open to the possibilities. You don’t want to negatively influence the outcome in any way before you even know what he might say.

As far as calling him asking him what the meeting is about, I know that this may seem tempting. But I think there may be a reason that he didn’t just already tell you what it is about on the phone – because he wants to see you face to face.

When you actually meet, I think it’s best to try to be open and receptive. Let him do the talking. He’s called the meeting, so it’s fair to assume that he will take the lead and say what he needs to say. Try to let him finish without interrupting him.

Try To Set The Groundwork: Here’s hoping that there is no big revelation. Perhaps he just wanted to start seeing more of you and this meeting is the beginning. Whatever you do, you want to try to make sure that your reaction sets the groundwork for future meetings between you – with things improving each time.

That’s why it’s best not to have a huge, dramatic reaction either way. If the meeting goes well, you don’t necessarily need to assume that a reconciliation is imminent or immediate. Likewise, if things don’t go as you want them to, you don’t need to assume that you’re going to be divorced in a weeks’ time.

Know That Immediacy Isn’t Likely And That’s OK: Both a reconciliation or a divorce would take time. Nothing is going to be immediate. Try very hard to remember that. Most of all, try very hard to keep this in perspective. For a long time, seeing your husband is what you have wanted. Now, that is going to happen – at his request, no less. So I think it makes sense to be cautiously optimistic and to tell yourself that you will have an open and hopeful attitude. In the event he tells you something that you do not want to hear, you can and will deal with that at the time. But nothing says you can’t go into the meeting with a positive attitude. Because the downside and risk to that is much less than going to the meeting with a negative or sour attitude.

Try not to worry too much. Whatever happens, I think it’s safe to say that there will be future meetings either way. I know that it feels like the entire future may swing because of one meeting, but that’s rarely the case. Sure, this meeting may set the course for the future. But we can always try to change things that we are not happy with.

I know how you feel.  I used to think that one encounter with my husband was going to sway the outcome of everything.  This was rarely true.  We had some awful encounters which left me sure we would end up divorced.  And surprisingly, we did not.  You can read more about the outcome on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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