I Miss My Husband So Much During Our Separation That It Hurts: Tips And Advice That Might Help

I recently got heartbreaking correspondence from a young wife who was going through a separation.   They had been separated for about a month because this is what the husband wanted.  The wife’s primary goal was ending the separation and getting back together.  But she knew better than to push it.  She’d read some of my articles and knew that I advocate moving very slowly and deliberately during a separation.  So she knew not to push him and to take things slowly while focusing just on improving the relationship rather than dwelling on what they were calling it – or rather they were saying they were separated.

Still, she was struggling.  She said “I miss my husband so much during the separation that it physically hurts.  I am struggling every single day.  The more time I spend away from him, the more desperate I feel to get him back.  I have to literally physically hold myself back from reaching for the phone sometimes.  I’ll be flipping through the TV and I’ll see some shows that we liked to watch together and I’ll burst into tears.  How do I cope with this?  How do I get a hold of myself?”

I so felt for this wife.  I experienced the exact same thing while my husband and I were separated.  And I know this is unbearably hard.  But, the wife was right in her suspicions that if she let her husband see her like this, it was probably going to make things worse.  She couldn’t help how she felt of course.  But this was something she also shouldn’t share with her husband until later, at least in my experience.

So in the following article, I’m going to go over some tips that will hopefully give you some support when you’re separated, missing your husband horribly, but trying to play it the right way so that you can get him back.

I Know That You Miss Him.  But Do Whatever You Need To Do To Distract Yourself And Reevaluate Before You Act:  The wife repeatedly told me that she was constantly tempted to call, text, or come by.  Sometimes, her husband was still receptive to her so it was tempting to not want to contact him often to “feel him out.”

I do understand.  But allowing him to take the lead sometimes is almost always the right call.  If you are always the one initiating the contact, then he starts to feel as if there’s no give and take and this devalues you in his eyes – as strange as that sounds.

You’re too transparent and too easy to read.  He knows that you are hanging on his every word and basing the happiness of your day on what happens with him.  Even if this is true, this is not what he should think.

So what do you when you can’t stop calling, texting, or thinking about him?  You do whatever it takes to distract yourself.  This became such a problem for me that I had to physically remove myself from the situation.  I went out of town to stay with family and friends because I knew this was probably the only decent way to keep me from getting out of control and going overboard.

And this was the turning point.  A while after I did this, my husband’s attitude changed.  It wasn’t an immediate process, but it was quite noticeable.  Thankfully, I was smart enough to capitalize on this.

Yes, it was tempting to sigh with relief and beg him to call off the separation.  But everything I was reading told me this was the wrong call.  So I kept in contact but I didn’t come on too strong and I tried to create a little mystery.

I’m So Afraid That He Will Forget About Me Or Move On During Our Separation.  What If He Doesn’t Miss Me At All?:  In this situation, many wives worry that if they don’t constantly keep in touch, their husband will begin moving on because he doesn’t miss them as much as they miss him.  Frankly, if you contact him too much, you make him not missing you MORE LIKELY.

He may feel that he needs to prolong the separation just to get a break.  I have to tell you this.  Very few men visit my blog and tell me that they want to end the separation because their wife wore them down.  Instead, they just want the separation more when she acts like this.

But, many tell me that they decided to end the separation because their wife presented herself in such a way that it changed their perceptions about her and made them want to be with her again.  Please stay the course.

I know you miss your husband.  He might well miss you more than he is letting on.  But give him a chance to miss you so much that he will want to come back through his own free will.

I’m not saying that you should never call or just ignore the situation.  I’m just saying that there has to be a somewhat balanced give and take.  He has to feel like you are worth chasing a little bit.  If you both have to work for it, it’s perceived as much more valuable.

I know all of this because I was in the same situation myself.  I didn’t want to back off while I missed my husband so much.  But as I said, my backing off which changed the whole thing.  You can read this story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.  I’m certainly no expert but this is what worked for me.  If you’ve not yet watched T Jackson’s free video on this exact topic, you can see it on the right side of this blog.  It’s free and worth checking out.  It taught me a lot.

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Ways To Make A Husband Miss You During The Separation So That He’ll Want To Come Back To You Or Return Home

By: Leslie Cane: I firmly believe that a separation does not have to be the end of your marriage. In fact, I believe that a separation that allows the time and distance to work for the marriage can actually make both people more committed to staying together and more determined to make things work. The reason for the change of heart often lies with the fact that the distance allows both people to see how much they actually care and miss the other person. This makes them realize that they don’t to be without their spouse and that they don’t want to be alone.

Many people who contact me very much understand that their spouse needs to end up missing them during the separation. They know that this is a very important piece of the puzzle. But they aren’t sure how to best accomplish this. I often hear comments like: “My husband is the one who wanted the separation. He initiated it. I did not want it, but agreed because it seemed like it was my only choice instead of a divorce. I know it’s important that he miss me while we’re apart, but he doesn’t seem to. Every time I call him, he seems to be busy. Every time I try to see him face to face, he brushes me off. If I point blank ask him if he misses me, he doesn’t give me a straight answer or he’ll say something like ‘a little.’ It’s hard to have any hope when he responds to me this way. Am I doing something wrong? I try not to bother him that much, but if I waited for him to contact me, I’m afraid he never would.”

In the following article, I will offer some tips on encouraging your husband to miss you during the separation so that hopefully this will lead to him to want to come back to you as well.

Understand That This Process Sometimes Takes Patience. In The Beginning, He’s Likely Just Feeling His Way And Hasn’t Yet Processed How He Really Feels: One common issue that I see is that there’s a real tendency to be so uncomfortable and worried while he is gone that you want to reach out very quickly. You are looking for validation or some good signs to make you feel better.

But what you might not realize at the time is that husbands who initiate a separation often fully intend to take their time during it. Many tell me that they asked for the separation because they wanted to see how they would feel in another scenario. They wanted the time to process their feelings without having to dialog with you while they were doing it. So, sometimes when you start asking how much he misses you, he will actually retreat even more because he feels like you are rushing him.

Often, he hasn’t yet reached the point where he’s thought much about his feelings. He’s just trying to ease into this day by day – and then slowly, he will begin to see how this feels to him. But if you push, then you are making it more likely that you will not get the answer that you want.

Understand What It Takes For A Man To Miss A Woman During A Separation: Many women feel as if they have to control every aspect of their husband’s life while he is away. They know that they are overreaching, but the fear takes over and they just can’t help it. Because they worry that if they back off and he has too much fun, meets someone else, or decides that he really is happy and content alone, then their letting go even just a little bit would have been a huge mistake.

I do understand this. I went through this process myself and made many similar mistakes. But I eventually came to realize that my forcing the issue wasn’t going to make what I wanted any more likely. My continuing to show up and come on too strong couldn’t possibly assure me that none of my fears were going to happen. They actually were making my husband see me in a more negative light. But backing off gave me at least the chance that he would see me more positively.

And this truly is your whole goal. You want for him to get to a place where he has a quiet moment to himself, reflects on you, and decides that there truly were some good times that just might be possible to recapture. Without the fighting, the insecurities, and the conflict having a constant presence, he can think about you with a positive reaction rather than a negative one.

That’s why it’s so very important that if you suspect that what you are doing is bringing about these negative reactions, then you should consider changing strategies and seeing if there’s a change in his outlook or reaction.

Use Restraint When You Reach Out To Your Husband. And, For Every Contact That You Initiate, Try To Force Yourself To Wait Until He Makes The Next: If you are the only one who is making all of the attempts at communication, things are going to feel one-sided to both you and your husband. That’s why I advocate moving backward when you feel some resistance. And you likely know your husband enough to know when this is happening.

I believe that, as hard as it is, you are better off contacting him too little rather than too much. If it’s too little, the chances are that he will reach out to you because he’s wondering why he hasn’t heard from you. If you do decide to contact him or to “just happen” to bump into him, then use restraint when this happens. You may feel like you want to talk and talk and confess how much you miss him and don’t want to be without him. But try to force yourself to stop short of this.

Because the idea really is to leave him wanting more. You want every encounter to end well, so that it leads to another one. And, when you are the one initiating the contact the first time, then it’s always best to allow him to make the next move. Or at least to wait until enough time has passed between each encounter. Desperation is easy to spot and it usually doesn’t inspire him to come back you. It just inspires him to avoid you.

If You Can’t Pull This Off Face To Face Contact Right Now, Considering Keeping Things Light And Short With Technology (Like Texting, Facebook, Etc.:) Some women contact me and tell me that although they understand these principles, they have a very hard time with them in real life. I often have them tell me things like “I do want to play it cool. I’ll psych myself up and try to act very casual, but the second I see him, I tear up, I get emotional and the jig is up. He can take one look at me and know exactly how I feel.”

If this is the situation that you find yourself in, you may want to consider trying to use technology – texts, emails, facebook messaging etc. This way, he can’t see or hear you. Your words can seem very casual, flirtatious and lighthearted, even if your emotions are anything but. I literally had to go out of town for a while to just force myself to back away a little bit. And you know what? This made all the difference.

As I alluded to, after my husband left for a separation, I did not understand these principles and I went about making him miss me and saving the marriage in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative m overbearing, and desperate behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. If it helps, you can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

 

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What Is My Husband Thinking While We’re Separated?

By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who wish that they could read their husband’s mind during a marital separation.   Often, he’s not being very transparent about his thought process and this is very frustrating for wives.

Common comments are something like: “my husband and I have been separated for a couple of months, but he’s not very forthcoming about what he’s thinking and how he’s feeling.   Some days, he is receptive to me and some days, he’s not.  So I can’t tell if he’s feeling particularly loving toward me or if he’s feeling like he might want to move back in and try to save our marriage.  When I ask him what he’s feeling or experiencing, he tells me that he thinks different things at different times and that, when he comes to a decision, he will share it with me.  This is breaking my heart.  I have no problem telling him how I feel.  Why can’t he do the same?  What do husbands think about while they are separated from their wives?”  I’ll try to answer these questions as best as I can in the following article.

Many Men Have Very Varied And Conflicted Thoughts During The Separation (Especially In The Beginning.) Obviously, I’m not a man who is going through a separation.  But I do dialog with many of them on my blog.   And many share a good deal of varied and conflicting feeling.  On day, they may miss their wife and wonder if maybe they should return home and put everything into saving their marriage.  And then the next day, they might actually enjoy feeling single or feel overwhelmed by all of your marital problems.    So, some of them are telling you the truth when they admit their they feelings can swing from one extreme to the other.

To be honest, these swinging feelings are sometimes nothing new.  In fact, many men want the separation as a way to sort out these fluctuating feelings.  The hope is that once they have some distance from their wife and their marriage, it will be easier for them to tell which feelings are the most sincere and frequent.  This doesn’t always become evident in the beginning of the process.  Many men feel a good deal of guilt about leaving and many find that they miss their wives more than they suspected that they would.

On the flip side of the coin, some men do find that they like the single life.  This can particularly be true if your marriage was a volatile one in which there was always a lot of conflict or fighting.  Sometimes, once they have a little peace and quiet, they find that they like it and they begin to lean toward making the separation more permanent or they consider pursuing a divorce.  Also, some husbands meet someone else during the separation and some of them can feel that it’s easier to just start over with someone new than to revive a marriage that might be damaged beyond repair.

Of course, I have no way of knowing what your own husband is thinking right now.   He may fall into either of these categories or neither one.  He may even be somewhere in the middle. Sometimes, he will give you little hints along the way. And other times, he might contradict himself, which I’ll discuss right now.

Tips For Deciphering Your Husband’s Hints As To What He Might Be Thinking During The Separation: As I alluded to, it’s important to understand that your husband might be experiencing a lot of different types of feelings.  That’s why you might be getting some mixed signals.  In general though, if he is receptive to seeing you on regular basis and things are going well when you are together, then you can reasonably sure that his thoughts about you or the marriage are positive.  But if he’s putting off spending time with you or always seems to be making excuses to avoid you, then the chances are good that there are some negative thoughts or doubts going through his mind.  And, if you’re seeing a combination of the two (which isn’t at all uncommon) then he’s probably experiencing those fluctuating feelings we’re been talking about.

Insights For Trying To Make Sure His Feelings Are As Positive As Possible During Your Separation: You can’t control your husband’s thoughts and feelings.  But you can attempt to set it up so that you have the best chance of him thinking positively of you.  Every time that you speak to one another or are together, try to be as cheerful as you possibly can.  Try to make sure that the time you spend together is pleasurable for both of you.  And, this might include not leaning on him about his feelings.  If he wants to share them, that’s great.  But if he’s reluctant to do so, don’t push too hard because if you do, then he might hesitate to spend time with you as often.   By being approachable and agreeable,  you decrease the odds that his feelings are negative ones and increase the chances that they are positive.

So to answer the question posed, men have varying feelings while they are separated from you.  But it is to your benefit to try to set up the circumstances that encourage positive thoughts and experiences.  It’s in your best interest to worry more about setting up positive circumstances and interactions instead of continuing to pressure him or question him about feelings about which he may changing anyway.

I do understand where you are because I constantly bugged my own husband about his feelings when we were separated.  I just could not help myself.   I needed to know if my marriage even stood a chance.  Unfortunately, my pestering him too much made him want to avoid me.  And so I had a much harder time saving our marriage in the end.  It wasn’t until I realized my mistake that I began to turn things around.  If it helps, you can read about the strategies that actually worked on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

 

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I’ve Always Been Taught That You Have to Earn Your Way Out of a Marriage, But My Husband Disagrees

By: Leslie Cane: Many people want to save their marriages at all costs. No matter how bad things may get, they believe that marriage is forever, and they’re willing to do whatever it takes to stick it out. It’s an admirable way to think, and one that might even work – if you had a spouse who agreed with this thinking.

Unfortunately, many of us have spouses who completely disagree and who believe that when a marriage is beginning to crumble, you should separate or divorce. They believe that there is no reason to continue when the end is seemingly near.

A wife who believes in saving her marriage at all costs might say, “My parents didn’t always have the perfect marriage. They certainly fought at times, but they were married for over 70 years until one of them passed away, and then the other was devastated. Sometimes, when my father angered my mother, she would complain about him. And I would ask her why she stayed. And she would tell me that if you want to leave your marriage, you need to ‘earn your way out.’ When I asked her what she meant by that, she said that you had to do everything in your power to make it work, for however long that took, until there wasn’t one thing left that you could try. I often think about my mother’s words when dealing with my husband and our struggling marriage. He wants to move out. He wants to separate and potentially divorce. I’m not denying that we have real issues. We do. But we haven’t tried everything. We haven’t even been trying that long. I’ve told my husband what my mother said about earning your way out, and he said my parents had a terrible marriage and if I think he’s going to accept that kind of marriage, I am mistaken. I disagree about their marriage, but I can’t get him to budge on trying other things before he walks out. I think he’s going to leave any day. What can I do?”

Know What is Possible and What is Not: As someone who tried every trick in the book to get her husband not to leave, I can share some things I wish I’d done and some mistakes I made. Looking back on it now, I don’t believe you can “make” your husband see things your way no matter how hard you try. Pushing him while trying will often make things worse. I do believe, however, that you can act in a calm, logical, and cordial way that is conducive to him listening to reason (which I unfortunately didn’t do.) But that doesn’t always mean he’ll change his mind.

However, there is no harm in trying. Just don’t insinuate that he’s stupid, stubborn, or asking too much when he doesn’t see it your way because that will just cause him to dig in that much more. 

Offer Him Concessions:  People who “earn their way out” often do so because they successfully negotiate. You don’t have to tell your husband this is what you are doing when you try it. But perhaps you can offer to move into another bedroom in your home or you can offer to stay with friends for a little while. This concession gives him a bit of room but means he doesn’t have to actually leave. It can be harder to get him to come back than it is to just get him to stay with space and privacy. 

Another thing that I have seen work is to ask him to work with you just once per week or a couple of times per month. You could suggest counseling, getting together, or working through self-help for whatever amount of time he is comfortable with and then make the deal with him that you won’t harp on your issues except during those sessions. That way, he has an incentive to actually work with you during those designated times, and you might make some progress. This relieves some of the pressure sometimes.

His Not Doing The Work Doesn’t Mean That You Can’t:  I can’t predict if your husband will stay or go. I hope he stays. But if he goes, that doesn’t mean that you still can’t work on “earning” your way. There is often plenty of self-work that we can do on ourselves. There are plenty of places we might look objectively and see where we made mistakes that may be fixed now. You can also go to counseling or do self-help even if he won’t.

Don’t panic and don’t beat yourself up. Separations or divorces don’t happen overnight. You have some time. Things can and do change. There were times during my own separation when I was sure I had no chance to speak of, and yet, I did – eventually.

Sometimes, just hanging in there and coming back to try again another day is half of the battle. Sometimes not giving up is the victory that you need.  

Your husband’s decision of what to do about your marriage is ultimately his. But your decision about how you are going to react to that and what you’re going to do about your marriage right now is ultimately yours. He doesn’t get to dictate what you do and vice versa.

Take good care of yourself and try to make this time work for you. Become stronger. Become better, so that when he checks in with you, he is pleasantly surprised by who – and what – he finds. Don’t give into despair and act as if you’ve already lost. That isn’t attractive and won’t help your cause. Hold your head high and get to work. You can still “earn your way” and he may eventually join you if you play your cards right. 

It took me way too long to embrace this attitude, but once I did, things changed.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

 

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Why Does He Want A Divorce When He Says He Still Loves Me?

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from women who are extremely confused and horribly hurt. Their husband has told them that he wants a divorce. And, if this isn’t bad enough, he’s insisting that he still loves them. I heard from a wife who said: “out of the blue, my husband took me out to dinner and said that he had something very important to tell me but that he knew that this news was going to hurt me. Then, he confessed that he no longer wanted to be married to me and that he’s seeking a divorce. I was stunned into several moments of silence. Then, I asked him why. He wasn’t giving me any decent answers so I blurted out ‘don’t you love me anymore’ to which he replied that he will always love me. I told him he was talking about pity love or about the way you would love a friend and he said that no, he was still in love with me romantically but didn’t want to be married to me anymore. I don’t understand this. Why would a man love his wife but want to divorce her?” I will try to answer this baffling question in the following article.

Sometimes, Love Doesn’t Have As Much To Do With It As You Might Suspect: I would say that about 90 percent of the people who visit my blog believe that a divorce means that at least one of the spouses no longer loves the other. This isn’t the case. Very often, people file for divorce (or even go through with it and end their marriage) when they still love their spouse very much. But sometimes, they think that this same love just isn’t enough anymore.

He May See The Marriage As Something That Is Holding Him Back Or Making Him Unhappy: Clearly, I didn’t know this wife or her husband, so I couldn’t guess at specifics. But sometimes, there is a perception that no longer being married would give him some freedom or relieve some burden. I am not saying that this is at all true. I’m just saying that this is sometimes the perception. Some men seem to think that being married is keeping them from pursuing their dreams or is keeping them from being the man that they need to be. Another possibility is that the man thinks that the conflicts or the dynamics in the marriage are emotionally bringing him down in some way. Again, I can’t possibly know the situation, but you can take a close look at your marriage to see if any of these things apply to you.

Despite The Love, There Is A Deal Breaking Issue That He Just Can’t Get Past: Sometimes, there is an issue that keeps coming up again and again that doesn’t appear to be disappearing any time soon. Sometimes, this is things like monetary issues, sex, infidelity, or an inability to work through the couple’s differences. On my blog, it’s pretty clear to me that men seem to have less patience with deal-breaking issues than women. This isn’t true in all marriages of course. But generally speaking, the husbands tend to be less willing to give an issue some time to work itself out, while the wives have much more patience.

He Has Some Romantic Notion Of Being Single: I feel that I have to mention this. I’ve noticed that some men (particularly when they get to be a certain age) tend to develop a sort of romantic or naive notion about being single. Some of them look around and see young, single coworkers or newly divorced older men, and they begin to believe that these single men really have it made. This isn’t usually the reality of the situation, of course. But this is what they sometimes believe. And they can actually think that as soon as they are single, they will suddenly be blissfully happy. Many are disappointed to find that this isn’t the case at all.

He May Not Really Want A Divorce. He May Just Want A Reaction: There is always the possibility that he doesn’t really want a divorce, but it does want a reaction. It’s not uncommon for men to have this talk in the hopes that the wife will suddenly make concessions or suddenly be very agreeable in the marriage. This isn’t playing fair, but some men will try this.

Take Heart In The Fact That The Love Is Still There And No Divorce Has Been Filed For Or Finalized: I know that this situation hurts. I know that this is a scary time. But not all couples in this situation still have the love. And the love is your ace in the hole. It what means that there is still a lot of hope.

Quite frankly, many couples change their mind about the divorce. Many people file for divorce (or say they intend to file for divorce) and are eventually still very happily married. So don’t assume that his talk means you are most definitely going to get a divorce. Nothing says this is true. He does love you and, with a very workable plan, I believe that some women in this situation will be able to save their marriage and avoid divorce because this was true for me.

Despite the fact that my husband was initially considering a divorce, I did eventually save my marriage and we are very happily married today.  It took work, patience, and a very sound strategy, but I was able to turn things around.  If it helps you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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My Husband Wants To Separate To “Find Himself.” What Does This Even Mean?

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who are on the receiving end of what sounds like a pretty lame excuse.  Their spouse has told them he wants to try a trial separation in order to take some time to “find himself.”  These vague words can sound like something only meant to deceive.  I’m ofter asked for speculation as to the actual truth behind these words.

I heard from a wife who said: “I honestly thought my husband and I had a decent marriage.  Certainly not perfect.  But good enough so that neither person was going to walk away. Yes, things had gotten routine, but I almost found comfort in that. Apparently my husband felt differently.  Last week, he told me that he was going to move out for a while.  He said that he felt that we needed to separate so that he could take time out “to find himself.”  I couldn’t help it.  I gave a little laugh and repeated ‘find yourself? What does that even mean?’  My husband became very annoyed with this question. He got all flustered and said that he feels like he has lost a little bit of himself and his own individuality.  He said that he misses his younger self that wasn’t burdened with the responsibilities and that he wants to try to find that person again.  This just sounds like semantics to me.  It sounds like someone who is trying to escape their grown-up life.  Unfortunately, he has given me no real choice in this. So I have no recourse but to sit here and wait for him to find his phantom lost self and then I get to find out what will become of my marriage.  How is this fair?  And what does he really mean anyway?”

I get a lot of correspondence on this topic.  Because most spouses who are requesting a separation will offer up some variation on the theme that they need “time,” “distance” or “space.”  And often this seems like a pretty pitiful excuse to the person who is being told that her marriage might be taking a detour.  But believe it or not, there often is at least some validity to your spouse’s words.  In the following article, I’ll go over some possibilities as to what they mean when they say that they need to find themselves.  And I will offer some suggestions on how to best handle this.

They Often Aren’t Really Searching For What’s Been Lost.  They Just Want To Reignite What They Think They No Longer Feel:  It’s unfortunate that the words that they use often imply that something has been misplaced like a misfiled document.

Because this often isn’t what they actually mean.  Typically, they are going through a time in their life when they are feeling some jealousy for what someone else has or some disappointment in what they don’t have.  They generally look at their life and they have to admit that very little has worked out in the way that they have planned.  Sometimes, this doesn’t even relate directly to your marriage.  It can have something to do with their career, their talents, their family relationships, or their own sense of achievement or purpose.

As a result, they can feel the need to be free to explore this.  They may want to try new experiences to restore a sense of excitement in their life.  They may not want an audience or any judgments about this.  So, they feel that this process would be easier if you were to separate.  Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean that they are rejecting your marriage or that they are lying to you.  It just means that, for whatever reason, they feel that their journey would be better or easier if you were separated.  You may have more insights as to why they feel this way.  But I’m just trying to give you a general idea of the mindset that you are facing.

How To Handle A Spouse Who Is On A Quest To Find Himself:  It’s my experience and opinion that the worst thing that you can do in this situation is to tell your spouse that he is being silly, selfish or mistaken.  Frankly, it typically takes a huge personal awakening to get to the point where you feel that such a drastic change is necessary.  So it is very unlikely that your trying to make him feel guilty or just mistaken is going to have much of an impact.  And, even if you are partly successful in talking him out of wanting space, he is likely going to back off very begrudgingly and he is going to resent you for it.

So I really caution you against using that strategy because I have seen it fail many more times than I have seen it work.  If you are interested in saving your marriage, I suggest that your best bet is to validate your husband.  You might say that you can understand why he would feel this way because it’s very common for people to experience a loss of self.  You could even disclose that you feel this way from time to time, as frankly, we all look at our lives sometimes and wonder if this is all there is.

If he is being somewhat receptive, you could suggest that he take his time without needing to move out.  You could commit to giving him whatever space he needs either by moving to a different part of your home or temporarily staying with friends.  I suggest this because it is easier for you to just come home or move back into the previous area of your house than it can be to convince him to move back.

If he is not receptive to this, then the next best thing is to try to agree on a very short separation.  A suggested script would be something like: “I do understand and of course, I want for you to be happy.  Perhaps you could take a class or even go back to school.  But I’m not sure that your working on yourself requires for us to separate.  I’d be happy to stay with friends for a while if you need to sort it out.  But I’d like to know that we aren’t leaving things open-ended because that scares me.  I don’t want you to equate our marriage with other issues in your life.  So I would really like for us to agree to meet at least weekly and talk about this so that we maintain our relationship while you are working on yourself individually. In the meantime, I too want to work on myself.  I do understand where you are coming from but I would rather us do this work while we are still connected.”

I believe that it is very important for him to understand that you intend to work on yourself.  So often, the spouse who doesn’t want the separation positions themselves as the person who is trying to keep the restless spouse from getting what he thinks he wants.  When this happens, he begins to believe that he has to get away from you in order to be happy or to achieve his goals.  This is that last thing that you should want.  The real goal is to allow him to see that you only want the best for him and that his happiness is your happiness.  And if you can make him see that your goal is to help him to become the best version of himself, then suddenly you become his partner rather than his adversary.

Unfortunately, I didn’t understand these principles when my husband came to me seeking space.  I tried to change his mind and he greatly resented this, left anyway, and limited my access to him.  I had to completely start over in order to get him to believe that I actually was on his side.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

 

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Should You Ignore Your Spouse During A Separation If You Want Them Back?

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are trying to come up with the best strategies for dealing with their spouse during a marital separation.  The goal is to make their spouse want to come back to them and to be willing to save the marriage.  To that end, one suggestion that is often given is to “ignore your spouse” or to use “reverse psychology” to make them more than willing to come back.

And I can see why this strategy seems attractive.  Basically, if it works, you don’t have to do much of anything (but a good acting job) and they will enthusiastically and willingly do exactly what you hoped all along.  But it’s my experience that this strategy doesn’t always work out this way.  I’ll discuss some of the risks to this strategy (and tell you one I think works better) in the following article.

Why I Think That Ignoring Your Spouse During The Separation Isn’t Always The Best Idea:  First of all, I don’t know many people who can completely pull this off.  Unless you are an award-winning actor or actress, it can be very hard to make this convincing.  (And if your spouse sees through this, they will quickly lose respect for you.) The truth is, your spouse likely knows you better (and can read you more accurately) than anyone else.  It’s highly unlikely that they won’t see through this.

And even if they buy your act, do you really want for your spouse to think that you care so little for them and your marriage that your response is to just ignore them?  I am all for using some strategy to get your spouse back during a separation, but posturing to portray something that is the complete opposite of what you really feel (and what you really want) is in my opinion not only risky, but not the best call.

There are also a lot of risks associated with this strategy.  If you chose to ignore your spouse, you are hoping that they won’t be so hurt or put off by this that they will actually pursue you.  Depending on the personality and motivations of your spouse, this may or may not work.  But, your spouse might be hurt or frustrated and respond by trying to move on or see other people.  And, even if it does work, your spouse may eventually harbor some resentment for being manipulated.

I Agree That Sometimes Strategic Planning Is Needed During A Separation.  Here’s A Strategy That I Think Is Better Than Ignoring Your Spouse:  One of the main ideas behind ignoring your spouse is that by not being there constantly or by not making yourself completely available to them, you will seem more attractive (and they will want you more) as a result.  I completely agree with the strategy of creating mystery and it actually ended up working for me.  But, there’s a big difference between creating mystery and completely ignoring the person you are trying to get back.

I think there’s actually a delicate dance between staying in touch and showing that you care while not being constantly available or completely transparent.  I advocate communicating and interacting with your spouse on a regular basis while you are separated.  With that said, I believe you should be very deliberate and conscious of what cards you are playing while you are doing this.

What I mean by this is that you always want for your spouse to know that you care deeply about them and the marriage.  I think it’s even sometimes OK for them to know that you’d like to save the marriage.  But, at the same time, you also want it to be clear that you care enough about yourself to remain busy and vibrant and that you are not be hanging on your spouse’s every word or whim.

It can actually help your cause if your spouse wonders where you are or why you occasionally don’t answer their call on the first ring.  Does this mean that you are ignoring them?  Absolutely not.  You’re simply giving the impression that you’re also living your own life during the separation.  This will usually make you seem more attractive than someone who is anxiously awaiting your spouse’s call or text.

I think it’s perfectly fine to limit or time your availability just to make it appear that you are handling yourself just fine.  However, you don’t want to take this to extremes.  It shows a lack of respect toward your spouse and it’s dishonest in a way that (at least in my opinion) posturing is not.  To me, there’s a difference between a strategy that places you in the best light and a strategy that is dishonest and downright risky.

During my separation, my leaving town and getting away for a while was a turning point that actually improved things.  But I didn’t do this in an attempt to ignore my husband.  I did this because I wanted and needed the support of my family and friends.  My husband knew where I was and I checked in with him from time to time.  But the mystery and distance this created did help.

So, while I think there is some validity to backing off slightly and being very deliberate with your interactions during your separation, I don’t advocate making yourself completely unavailable unless you just don’t want to interact with your spouse at all or you don’t care how they perceive or react to this.

I understand that this strategy is likely one of many that has been suggested to you.  And you’ll have to take your marriage and your spouse into account when you decide how you want to play this.  But it’s my opinion that you always want to remain true to your heart and not go to extremes or take huge risks that might actually backfire if what you really want is to get your spouse back rather than alienate them.

As I alluded to, I did use strategy to save my marriage during my separation, but I didn’t take it to extremes and I didn’t completely ignore my husband.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog here.

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How Can I Save My Marriage When My Husband’s Moving Out?

I recently heard from a wife who was desperate to save her marriage but who had a very difficult situation on her hands.  Her husband had made it very clear that wasn’t happy in the marriage and he was pushing for a separation.  In fact, he was pushing so hard that he told the wife that he planned to move out next weekend.

He wasn’t sure if the move was going to be a permanent one.  He told the wife that he just wanted some time apart to see how he felt about her and the marriage and he felt that moving out was the best way to accomplish this.

Needless to say, the wife was crushed.  She said in part:  “I’m completely devastated that he’s moving out and I don’t know what to do.  I’d been working hard on saving my marriage but I don’t know how this is still going to be possible with him moving out.  How can I make things better if I can’t see him, talk to him, and physically be with him?  It seems to me like it’s completely impossible.”

I promise you that it’s not impossible.  I know this because I have done it.  After making numerous stupid mistakes and many starts and stops that make things worse,  I was able to save my marriage after my husband moved out.  I will share with you some of how I was able to do that in the following article.  At the end, I’ll tell you where to go for more information, should you need it.

Your Husband’s Moving Out Does Not Mean You Can’t Save Your Marriage.  In Fact, Sometimes It Actually Helps You Save It:  First of all, you really do have to believe that you can save your marriage right now. If you don’t, this really does cloud your judgment and your actions and it doesn’t do anything to help you convince your husband of the same.

If you approach this process with fear and dread, you are not in the best position to change anything.  As difficult as it might be, you have to give the impression that you are confident that your husband is going to realize that your marriage is one that can and should be saved.  It took me a long time to realize this and even longer to learn how to play it correctly.  But it really is an important piece of the puzzle.  So what happens if you’re not sure if you can save your marriage?  Fake it until you make it.  It’s just that important.

Allow The Time Apart To Work For Your Marriage, But Make Strategic Use Of Meetings And Communications:  There’s a fine line between communicating too much during the separation and not enough.  The whole idea of the separation is making sure that your husband misses you and the marriage.

Because once this happens, you are going to have a much easier time making your marriage eventually work.  But this can’t happen if you attempt to communicate too much.  I know that it’s very tempting to want to talk to, see, and interact with your husband all of the time.  But it’s usually not a good idea.

Now, with this said, you shouldn’t ignore your husband or expect him (or even want him) to think that you are having the time of your life without him.   He will likely know that you aren’t genuine anyway.

But you really do have to strike a balance between too much and not enough.  Because one of your goals should be to leave each encounter, conversation, or interaction making sure that you leave a good impression on your spouse so that he wants to continue on.  Ideally, he looks forward to the next conversation, the next meeting, the next text, etc.

If you over do it, these things can’t happen.  He will likely start avoiding you instead.  So, find a way to have one interaction, make sure it goes well, and then wait an appropriate amount of time until the next one.  If you can, it’s even better to eventually allow him to be the one who is initiating the contact because this makes him more invested in saving your marriage.  You really do want him being a willing participant.  It’s the only way to know that he’s working with you to save your marriage because he wants to – not because you finally wore him down or you “convinced him” where he was wrong.

So How Do You get Your Husband Interested Again When He’s Moved Out?:  This is probably one of the most common questions that people ask me.  They just don’t believe that it’s possible to get their husband interested in or in love with them again when they’re separated.  It is possible.

But to have the best chance of it, you have to pull together all of your strength and call upon your best self.  What I mean by this is that right now, it’s vital that you show your husband the women who used to take his breathe away.  You want to show him the vibrant, fun loving, caring person who turned his head – not the scared one who doesn’t know where to turn now.

People respond to (and fall in love with) other people who make them feel good about themselves and their situation.  That’s why it’s so important that you stay upbeat – even though I know that you suspect you will miss him desperately and you’re scared to death to lose him and the marriage.

I know this plan seems risky, but it puts you in a much more favorable position than allowing your fear, doubt, and desperation to show.  You know that he loves you.  But, the circumstances are such that he doesn’t remember it – or he doubts it.

So change the circumstances and do this successfully and then you have a real chance to change his perceived feelings.  I know this because it was my reality.  I had to play this correctly to save my own marriage after my husband moved out.  And he didn’t just move out.  He wanted a divorce.  It was a long climb back but I eventually did save my marriage.  You can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I Actually Like the Woman My Separated Husband is Seeing, But I Still Want Him Back.

By: Leslie Cane: When you are separating, you often fear what your husband will do and who he will see while you are apart. Of course, you know there is a real possibility that he will see someone else. After all, you’re no longer living with him and you can’t keep constant dibs. So you might spend a lot of time envisioning and then dreading this.

That is why, when the day comes and you actually find out that he’s seeing someone else, you’re often not surprised. Disappointed and sad, yes, but not surprised. Still, this doesn’t mean that you just want to accept it, or that, somewhere deep down, you don’t want to fight for him, even if you understand why he’s seeing someone else.

A wife might say, “This is going to sound really weird, but I completely get what my separated husband sees in the woman he is dating. I’m devastated that he has chosen to date. I would never do that because I am still committed to our marriage, but I get why he is. To be honest, the separation is mostly my fault. I made some horrible mistakes. And my husband just couldn’t live with them anymore. I can’t necessarily fault him for that. I’m very sorry for my actions, and I’ve tried and am trying very hard to make it right. But it may be too little too late. I know the woman he’s seeing. She’s quite lovely. She’s very honest, and that’s more important to him now than ever. I get that. He thinks he’s going to get from her what he didn’t get from me. I saw them out last weekend. They honestly looked happy. If he wasn’t my husband and I didn’t still love him, I would be happy for them, as weird as that sounds. But I do still love him. Ultimately, I want him back. I know it may take a while. I know that I may have to wait and work hard, but I’m willing to do what it takes. Is this selfish? Should I just let him be happy with someone else?”

Why It’s Not Selfish: I don’t think this is selfish at all. He is your husband. You are not divorced. And you don’t know how long he will be “happy.” Plus, you don’t know if he actually is. Appearances can be deceiving. He may feel excited about the novelty. But it is a new relationship and they don’t know each other very deeply. How truly happy can he be yet? Or, if he thinks he is, things can change. As the relationship evolves, he may realize that it is not for him. Or he may realize that he misses you.

I don’t think you need to throw in the towel because you’re worried about being a fair competitor. He is still married. The woman who is dating him should know that. Therefore, you are well within your rights to try to take back what is still yours, but you need to be careful trying it.

Sometimes, You Just Have To Give The Appearance of Waiting:  It might not go well if you just approach him right now and demand that he give her up. You could tell him that you are surprised that he moved so quickly if you think he would take this into fair consideration, but if you think he’s going to give you any pushback at all, then you may have to let this run its course while at the same time you are trying to improve your relationship with him and biding your time.

Frankly, it would be very rare for this other woman to be “the one.” She is most likely just a rebound diversion.

You want to maintain a good relationship with him so that you have the access you are going to need to eventually try to rebuild your relationship, and this is just going to take time. If that means you wait until this relationship fizzles out, so be it. For a rebound relationship, it should not take long.

You Don’t Have to Put Your Own Life on Hold:  When I say that you may have to wait for things to fizzle, I don’t mean that you need to wait around and not live your own life or pursue your own self-improvement. You’ve said that you made mistakes, which means that you have plenty to work on. Now would be a good time to do that, since you have some extra time.

You want your husband to see that you’re taking care of yourself because you have self-respect. Believe it or not, this influences the way that he perceives you. And you don’t want to be perceived as the woman who is just idly waiting for him to get tired of his current situation.

You have to be flexible and strike while the iron is hot or back off when it is not. Your first goal is to maintain a good, playful, caring relationship – even if it is not romantic RIGHT NOW.

It not being romantic right now does not mean that it can’t be romantic later. I definitely had to wait during my own separation – for much longer than I wanted to. But I did eventually get my husband back. I learned how to maximize my wait time and make it work for me. And my husband respected the work I did and began to look at me a little differently after I did self-work.

So no, it wasn’t romantic for us during the early stages of our separation, but that eventually changed as I made some changes. Eventually, it turned very romantic and we are still married today.  You can see how I finally managed that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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Signs That Your Husband Still Loves You During The Separation

By: Leslie Cane: I know from experience that one of the things that takes up most of your thoughts when you are separated is wondering whether or not your husband still loves you. To that end, you almost become detective – like, always looking for clues that might indicate that, although you are separated right now, he still feels love for you. Because if he still loves you, doesn’t this increase the odds that you will eventually reconcile or get back together?

To demonstrate, I might hear a comment like: “I hate to be one of those wives who are overly clingy during my trial separation. But I guess I am becoming one. Because I am always looking at his behaviors and his actions that might be indicative of love. If he hugs me, I wonder what he means by this. If he compliments me, I wonder if it is a good sign. Sometimes, I find some things that give me hope, but other times, I feel like he is just trying to be nice. What are some signs that your separated spouse still loves you?”

It’s difficult to give universal signs because every husband’s personality is different. My husband didn’t give me a lot of the signs that I am going to list below, but he apparently did still love me because, after I tried some new strategies, we did eventually reconcile and we are still going strong. I mention this because I don’t want for you to think that your husband definitely doesn’t care anymore if you don’t recognize any of the signs below.

But, I do get a lot of correspondence from people who eventually reconcile that indicate the same behaviors over and over. Even though I’m going to list some of those, I do want to stress that not seeing these doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t love you. It may mean that he isn’t demonstrating it. He could be trying to push down or deny his feelings. Or, he could be trying to keep you from seeing them. At least for right now.

He Still Shows Concern For Your Wellbeing: Sometimes, wives find their separated husbands still taking care of household chores or spending money on things that she wants or needs. Or, she might see concern on his face when they chat or visit. The thing is, despite our very common fears, love doesn’t stop, end, or pause just because you separate or take a break. Some men are better about demonstrating this love than others. But even men who are trying to hold back will often show their love by still wanting to take care of things for you. So, you might notice that he’s still taking care of his part of household chores and expenses and that he regularly asks about how you are doing and wanting to make sure that you are OK.

He’s Trying To Gauge Your Feelings Or Your Lifestyle: Men who are indifferent to their wives generally don’t care what their wife is doing or feeling. You don’t see them becoming angry or asking their kids what mommy is doing on Friday nights. Many angry wives contact me because their separated husband is demanding to know what they are doing and acting jealous. These same wives are understandably confused and a little frustrated because he was the one who wanted the separation and yet suddenly he is demanding answers from her. I understand the frustration. But this can honestly be a good sign. If he didn’t care, he wouldn’t be showing curiosity or jealousy.

Despite His Best Efforts, He Gives You Loving Gestures: Many separated husbands are on their guard. They aren’t sure what they are feeling and they don’t want to send you mixed signals or confuse you. Even still, many husbands who still love their wives can’t help demonstrating loving gestures, even if they are very subtle. It could be brushing your back. Smiling at you. Or even opening your car door. Anything that is demonstrative of caring feelings can be a good sign.

Some Signs That Seem To Show He Doesn’t Care Can Mean Just The Opposite: Some men are well aware that they still love their wives but they are trying to deny or repress these feelings. Some men admit that, at least for right now, they wish that they didn’t still love their wives, but they know that they do.

So he may push you away, say mean things, not come around, or act downright rude to you. But that is just his attempt to keep you at a distance because he is trying to sort out his feelings and he finds the whole process overwhelming. I’m sorry if all of this is confusing. But a separation is a confusing time. Some men are pretty transparent with their feelings. Others try to deny them or keep them hidden.

Generally speaking, if you are seeing very negative emotions from him, it’s not always a horrible sign. Strong emotions are indicative of emotions, which is good. I am more worried when I hear about a husband who is indifferent. Because not caring at all is probably not loving at all.

As I alluded to, my husband didn’t show many of these signs.  He was trying to project an image of uncaring.  His jealousy was the first sign that he did in fact care.  But I read the signs all wrong. If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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