Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are worried about whether or not their husband is missing them during the trial separation. After all, he isn’t exactly being forthcoming. And, the wife knows that if he is, in fact, missing her like he should, this would make a reconciliation much more likely. Much of the time, she misses him very much. And she’s not shy about telling him this. But, for some reason, he holds back when the topic of his own feelings comes up. And she’s sometimes scared of asking him how he really feels because she’s not sure if she wants to know the answer.

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “words can not express how much I miss my husband. We’ve only been separated for three weeks. But, if I had my way, we wouldn’t be separated at all. He says he needs some time away to evaluate his place in life and what he wants moving forward. I think that it is your typical mid-life crisis, but he denies this. When my husband and I talk now, he is all business. I will try to be affectionate and to tell him that I miss him and he won’t respond or will try to change the subject. So, that is discouraging. But, a couple of times when we have been together, he’s smiled at and touched me. So, I get mixed signals. There have been times when I was right on the verge of asking him if he missed me. But I can’t bring myself to do it because I’m afraid that he’s going to tell me that he doesn’t miss me at all. How will I know if he does? What behaviors should I look for?”

It can be tricky to determine if your spouse misses you in this situation because some spouses (particularly men) will keep their feelings close to their chest or they will feel (and therefore display) conflicting emotions. So, one day you might see him be receptive and one day you might see him being distant. Or, he may be so closed off that you don’t get any sense of what he is feeling at the time. But, there are some universal behaviors that you can look for which I will identify right now.

He’s At Least Somewhat Receptive To You When You See Or Reach Out To Him: As I said before, he will sometimes hold back on his feelings. Often, he doesn’t know what the future is going to hold. And, he knows that you are watching him closely so he will often try to keep these things to himself. But, often his mannerisms, facial expressions, and body language will often give him away. When you and he see one another in person and he first glances your way, does he smile or at least make pleasing eye contact when he first sees you? Does he try to casually touch you even if it is just a hand on your back? Does he always make eye contact and hold your gaze? Him being willing to really see you and vice versa shows a willingness to remain in the relationship.

Is He Interested In What You Are Doing And At Least Somewhat Open About What He Is Doing?: If your spouse misses you, he is bound to have questions about how you are spending your time. You might find him asking about your experience or even showing a little jealousy. And, he is likely to be forthcoming about how he spends his time, as long as you aren’t nagging him and as long as your tone isn’t accusatory when you ask. Also, it’s a good sign when he is the one reaching out to you. Likewise, it can be a bad habit to get into if you are the only one who is initiating the contact. If you find yourself in this situation, then it can make sense to back off a little bit to see if he will take the lead.

Mixed Signals Can Sometimes Be A Sign That He Misses You: Often, when people see negative behaviors from their spouse, they assume the worst. They think that he is distancing himself from them. They assume that he is being mean so that they will not try to get close to him. But, this can be a wrong assumption. Sometimes, what you are seeing is his frustration that he’s not feeling what he assumed that he might be. He may have assumed that he would feel better during the separation when in actually, he is feeling worse. He may have hoped that he would have been more strong emotionally. You may assume that you are seeing his anger at you. But, what you might be seeing is anger at himself.

Don’t be discouraged if you’re not seeing more encouraging behaviors just yet. Perhaps he needs more time and perhaps sometime soon, he will feel more comfortable being more transparent. Until then, I believe that the best strategy is to remain positive and receptive. Don’t nag him about what he’s feeling or try to make him feel guilty if he’s not behaving in the way that you had hoped. This is a confusing and emotionally taxing time for both of you, so it’s absolutely normal for him to have (and display) conflicting emotions right now. And it would be doubtful that he wouldn’t miss you at all after being together for as long as you have.

I missed my husband desperately when we were separated.  It often seemed that he didn’t feel the same way.  I hung in there though and we did eventually reconcile. If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I sometimes hear from wives who are trying to set it up to have the best chance that their husband is going to come back to them after the separation.  They often ask me how they can tell if he’s actually going to come back.

I often hear comments: “will my husband come back after our separation? How can I make sure that he does?  I miss him so much.  I don’t want to lose him.  He’s staying with some friends and sometimes I think he’s happier apart.  He says he still doesn’t know what he wants or what he has decided about the separation so I’m trying not to push.  But I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t come back.  What is the best plan of attack?”

I will discuss these questions and concerns in the following article.

Setting It Up To Make Sure That You Have The Best Chance Of Him Coming Back After The Separation:  There will come a time during this process where your husband will need to make a decision about where he stands and what he wants to do after the separation.  Usually, he’ll either decide that he needs more time, that he wants to come back to you, or that he wants to go ahead and stay apart and pursue a divorce or perhaps a legal or longer separation.

Obviously, when he goes to make this decision, you want for him to think as favorably about you as is possible.  And, you may have some work to do between that day and this because if you’re separated, it’s probably safe to say that things weren’t going all that great with your marriage right before he left.

So you’ll likely have to change his mind about some things.  And it’s vitally important that you chose those things very wisely. Because while it’s unrealistic to think that you might change his mind on all of your issues and problems, you CAN often change his mind about you and about how he feels about you.

Yes, this can take some doing.  But if you can change his perceptions about you, then you can eventually also change his mind about your problems – and eventually, about your marriage.

Making Your Husband WANT To Come Back After The Separation:  This is really more important than I can possibly express.   Many wives ask for my advice on “making” or “getting” a husband to come back after the separation.  Honestly, this isn’t want you want.

Do you really want him to come back with his head hung low and filled with reluctance?  If he comes back to you this way, do you think this is going to last?  Probably not because you’re both going to know that his heart just isn’t 100% into it.  And so this brings about resentment, and worry, and doubt.

The real goal is to make him to WANT to VERY WILLINGLY come back to you.  I know that these may seem like a tall order, but I promise you that with a little planning and skill, it can be done.

First, you have to get the right attitude.  You don’t want him to think that you’re going to force him to do anything that he doesn’t want.  You want for him to know that you want him to be happy and will give him as much time as he needs for that to happen.  You aren’t going to push him and you aren’t going to come on too strongly.  Don’t use your children or other members of his family for your leverage.  Men hate feeling manipulated and they will not respect you if you stoop to such levels.

I know that it can be VERY difficult to hold back sometimes, especially when you miss him so much.  But please trust me when I say that desperation is literally a repellant for men.  They can almost smell it and many tell me that it is a total turn off.

I strongly feel that you will often have more success if you portray yourself as the confident, strong woman who knows that ultimately you will find your way back to each other.  Part of this confidence means that you create a little mystery.

You certainly don’t want to literally jump every time he calls.  But, when you do interact with him, you want to look your best.  You want to appear busy and vibrant and you want to make sure that you laugh and smile.  You want to remind him of what he loves about you and you want to present the woman that he could look forward to if he came back.

Think about it for a second.  Is he really going to want to come back to a pleading, desperate, or scared woman? He’s more likely to want to come back to a confident, yet loving woman.

Another thing that repels separated husband is trying to “work” on your marital problems too soon.  You want to make sure that you are very strongly bonded again before you even think about attempting this.  Move very slowly while you are still on shaky ground.  And make sure he’s firm on wanting to come back and end the separation before you introduce anything back into the mix.

Admittedly, you’ll eventually have to come back down to reality and work through your issues.  But the time for that can be later, after he’s interested and committed again.

I know that this is a difficult time.  I truly do.  I had to use these tactics when I was separated from my husband.  It took me a long time to learn this lessons and I made many mistakes.  But I eventually was able to regroup and save the marriage.  If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By Leslie Cane:  I often hear from women who are struggling to decide how to respond when their husband tells them that he wants a divorce.  Most of the women who contact me don’t want a divorce and want to save their marriages instead.  Sometimes, the husband has already mentioned the divorce and, other times, the wives know that the conversation is coming and they want to know how to best handle and respond to it.

I understand that this is probably one of the most difficult conversations that you might ever have.  I also know that you’re probably rehearsing this in your head because you want to say and do the right thing.  And, it doesn’t help when your emotions begin to run away from you because you begin to think about what’s ahead with fear rather than looking at the days right in front of you with hope.

In the following article, I’m going to offer some tips on how I feel is the best way to respond when your husband says he wants a divorce. These tips are based on my own experiences and observations (and on what I have seen work the best for wives that want to save their marriages.  Obviously, if you agree with your husband and want a divorce, then that’s another article for another time.)

Try To Take In Not Just What He Says About The Divorce But Also How He’s Saying It.  What Clues Is He Offering You (Even If He Doesn’t Know It): It’s very important to remain calm and to place most of your focus on listening and taking this in rather than arguing or trying to have a back and forth conversation.  The reason for this is that how he presents his request for a divorce is going to give you some clues about his true feelings.  Sometimes, what he doesn’t say is every bit as important as what he does say.

As tempting as it can be to respond in haste, try to make listening your first focus.  What, precisely is he saying to you?  How is he saying it? What is he not saying?  What does this tell you about his thought process?  For example, does he mention his feelings for and his love for you or is he leaving that part out?  Is he giving you specific reasons for the divorce or is he leaving things vague?  Does his mind seem to be made up or is he wavering? What does his body language say about his resolve?

The answers to these types of questions will help you to develop your best strategy when you’re trying to save your marriage in the face of divorce.  Now, I will go over some responses that you really should try to avoid when your husband says he wants a divorce.

Responses You Should Avoid When Your Husband Says He Wants A Divorce: I know that it can be very difficult to have complete control over your response when the topic is so emotionally charged and the stakes are so high.  But, to the best of your ability, you should avoid any arguing or debating.   This type of response usually won’t help you any way and will actually usually make a divorce more likely instead of less likely.

You should steer clear of any responses that will get a negative reaction from him.  You don’t want to try to get him to feel sorrow or pity because this too will make him feel more negatively about you or the marriage.  So, phrases like “how could you do this to me?” are not the best choice.  Another common phrase is something like:  “who do you think you are?  You’re just going to throw our marriage away because things aren’t completely perfect.”  Another example is “Does it even matter that I don’t want a divorce?  Why do you get to decide what happens to our marriage?”  And here’s one more: “Are you even thinking about our children?  What is this going to do to them?  How could you be so selfish?”

While all of these phrases are understandable, none of them help your cause.

Another thing that you don’t want to do is to make threats or tell him that you are going to fight him every step of the way.  You don’t want to insinuate that he’s going to lose a lot of money or see his kids less if he divorces you.  I know that this can be very tempting and it might feel as if this is the only leverage that you have.  But playing these types of cards will generally make him even more determined to divorce you and to prove you wrong.  Not only that, but do you really want your husband to stay married to you because he can’t afford a divorce or only because of his kids?  Probably not.  You want him to stay married to you because he is happily married and because he wants to be there.

All of these types of responses are absolutely understandable, but they don’t get you any closer to your goal of figuring out the best way to approach this to save your marriage.  And these type of responses will also sometimes make your husband feel very defensive which can sometimes even strengthen his resolve to get a divorce.  This is what happened when my own husband wanted a divorce.  I handled this badly and it actually made things a lot harder for me.

What I Think Is The Best Response When Your Husband Says He Wants A Divorce: I know that I’m asking a lot, but, time after time, I notice that the best response is the one that allows you to maintain your dignity while at the same time, allows you to focus on maintaining the relationship as best as you can.  Because in order to have the best chance of saving your marriage, you are going to need a decent relationship with your husband and you will need access to him.  So, you don’t want to do anything that is going to jeopardize this.  And, you want to lay the groundwork for future interactions.   Obviously, you want to respond in a way that makes you comfortable and that will be successful for you, but here’s just one suggestion.

“Well, it goes without saying that this is not what I wanted to hear and I’m pretty floored.  I love you and don’t want to end our marriage.  However, I’m not the only decision maker in this marriage and you clearly feel differently, at least right now.  I would just hope that as this process moves forward, in whatever way that it does, that we don’t allow this to completely deteriorate our relationship.  You are simply too important to me.  I don’t want to end up like those couples who can’t stand each other or who let their relationship dissolve into nothing.  I hope that we can maintain some sense of closeness because that is more important to me than anything else right now.”

Do you see why I included some of the phrases that I did?  You’re setting it up and laying the groundwork so that you will have access to him in the days to come so that hopefully, he will be receptive to you.  I hope you can see that this response puts you in a much better position than arguing, debating, or attempting to make him feel guilt or other negative emotions.

I know that you are going through a very hard time right now.  I know that your heart is likely breaking.  But, this doesn’t always have to mean the end of your marriage.  It didn’t for me.  If it helps, you can read about how I saved my own marriage when my husband wanted a divorce on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: “Giving a husband space” is a regular topic in the emails that I receive.  Many wives are on the receiving end of such a request from a husband who says he needs to “work out his feelings” or “time to sort things out.”  And I would have to say that many of the wives who hear this request have an overwhelmingly negative response.  Very few feel that this is a great idea or something that they want to do.  Most see “giving him space” as one of the more risky and painful options possible because there’s a real fear that the space is just the first step toward a divorce or break up.  And many worry that if they give him a taste of his freedom, he may decide that he really likes it and doesn’t want to come back.  So, in that way, the space would have actually made things worse.

I recently heard from a wife on my “save my marriage” blog who said, in part: ” my husband of five years told me last night that he’s not sure if he wants to be married anymore.  He said he wants some ‘space and time apart’ to decide what he wants to do.  But I know what he’s going to do when I give him this ‘space.’  He’s going to go out with his drunken friends, think that single life is so much fun, and want to leave me or get a divorce without a second glance.   My mother says I should give him the space because if I don’t, he’s probably going to divorce me anyway.  But I think that the second one of us moves out, the marriage is going to be over because he’s going to have an opportunity to experience single life and he’s going to like it.  I just keep thinking that giving him space is going to make things worse because it’s going to speed up the process.  Who is right?”

There’s no definitive answer here because any answer is really just a guess.  Without letting the scenario play out, there was really no way to know what the husband was going to think or do once the wife made a decision that set things into motion.  So, while I could not see into the future, I have gone through “giving space” in my own marriage and I’ve dialogued with many men and women over this very topic.  In the following article, I’ll offer some things to consider if your marriage is entering the “giving a husband space” phase and you’re afraid that it might make things worse.

A Husband’s Request For Space Doesn’t Always Mean He Will Eventually Pursue A Separation Or Divorce: It’s very understandable that this is going to be a wife’s greatest fear. After all, not many people would see a husband wanted to live or be away from his wife for a while as a good sign regarding the health or outcome of the marriage.  But, while this can and certainly often does mean that the marriage is having some struggles, it certainly doesn’t mean that it’s going to end.

I’ve seen countless couples (including myself) turn the situation around after one spouse wanted (and was given) space.  And I also firmly believe that not all men have divorce or splitting up on their mind when they do ask for space.  But, of those that do, some end up realizing that they miss their wife or that the single life or the loneliness that space brought about was not as great as they thought.  Sure, this doesn’t happen in every case.  And yes, sometimes you will have to encourage the process to play out exactly as you want it to, but it can be a real mistake to just assume that a husband who wants space really wants (and eventually is going to seek) a separation or divorce.  This just isn’t always the case.  And, even if it was, many wives are able to use this situation to their advantage to turn the marriage around.

Refusing To Give A Husband Space Can Be Just As Risky As Allowing It: I asked the wife in this situation how she intended to refuse her husband’s request.  She said she was just going to tell him that his idea was an awful one and that she refused the participate.  I didn’t know her husband personally, but I suspected that her husband wasn’t going to like that response all that much.  At least in my experience, very few men just accept this with a shrug of their shoulders.

Most will be very frustrated and may even feel as if you’re trying to thwart their happiness or the most basic of their wishes.  And, some will even associate this frustration with you.  Some husbands will think that in order to remove the frustration from their lives, they have to remove you also.  So what happens is the very thing that you’ve been trying to avoid all along – your husband pursues a separation or divorce in order to force the space that he’s requested.  Only this time, things are not so open ended anymore.

How To Avoid Making Things Worse When Your Husband Asks You To Give Him Space: I do understand the wife’s reluctance to agree to the time apart.  There’s always a risk involved either way.  I felt that risk in my own situation. No one who wants to save their marriage wants to willingly walk away.  But, I would argue that you don’t necessarily have to walk away.

Your first course of action could be trying to push for a compromise.  Perhaps you could give him a lot more leeway (at least for a little while) without him needing to move out.)  Or maybe you could be the one to leave since you could easily control when you came back.  Alternatively, you could push for an agreement as to when he might come back or when you might check in with and see one another.  In my experience, the worst thing that you can do is to leave things open ended.  You want to have as clear of an understanding as possible as to how things are going to work.  And, you want to make regular interaction a priority.

Finally, once (and if) your husband is taking his space, you can play it correctly so that you look more attractive rather than less attractive.  You don’t want to appear clingy, desperate, or needy.  Although it should be clear that you value your marriage and ultimately want to save it, there’s nothing wrong with taking full advantage of the space on your end.   Even if it’s not actually the case, you want for your husband to think that you are busy, that you are interacting with friends and family, and that you are handling things in a positive way because you’re confident that he will eventually learn what you already know – that you belong together and that you can work things out.

I absolutely understand where you are right now. A couple of years ago, my husband told me he wanted space.  It eventually became very obvious that I either had to give him that space or give him a divorce.  Unfortunately, I acted very badly during that time and my actions make our situation worse.  Eventually, it dawned on me that the tactics I was using to get him to want and love me again were not working. Luckily, I was able to change course and return the intimacy and affection. If it helps, you can read more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are living alone because their husband has left and moved out. They often very much want for their husbands to move back home eventually, but they don’t know how realistic this is going to be. Often, he has shown considerable resistance to any attempt to lure him back. As a result, the wife can begin to wonder if she is just setting herself up for disappointment by hoping that he will one day return.

A comment that would demonstrate this is something like: “my husband left me and moved out about eight months ago. It feels like forever instead of eight months. But in many ways, it feels like yesterday because nothing has really changed. There are times when I feel like we haven’t made any real progress. My husband avoids me as much as he possibly can. Sometimes, he apparently gets lonely and then for a little while, he will be nice to me again but then he will eventually pull away and the cycle starts all over again. Some of my friends tell me that I am a fool if I do not begin moving forward with my life. They ask me why I can’t see that my husband isn’t ever coming back. I know that this possibility exists, but I can’t help but wonder if he is never coming back, then why not just go ahead and divorce me? He hasn’t made any attempt to do that. I’m wondering if husbands ever come back once they have moved out. And if so, how many?”

Well, I can tell you that husbands do come back. My own did. And many wives comment on my blog that their husbands came back also. I don’t want to give you the impression that it always happens. But, it’s not rare either. I don’t have any official statistics about husbands who have moved out and later returned. But it’s not uncommon for people to tell me that were able to reconcile even after their husband had been gone and moved out for a while. And, there are plenty of people who admit that they haven’t yet been able to get their spouses back. Granted, there are some husbands who are determined to never come back and who, despite what you do or say, are very resistant. But there are others who eventually come around. So what separates the husband who stay gone and those that come back? I’ll mention some of the variables that I often see in the following article.

A Man Is More Likely To Come Back If He Believes That He Is Not Coming Back To The Same Problems: I can probably save you a lot of time and aggravation by telling you that often, begging him to come home without making real and lasting changes isn’t likely to work. Many of us (myself included) believe that if we keep talking and we keep telling him why he should come back because we are so lost without him, he will eventually “give in” and make his way home. But what we don’t count on at the time is that even if he does come back, he will do so begrudgingly. And, if he comes back and nothing has changed, what is to keep him from leaving again when things fall apart once more?

As much as you want him to come home, there’s a better way. The best way to get him to come home is to show him (rather than continuing to tell him) that things can and will change. And, depending on what your issues are, you might need some help making that change. But, doing so is worth the effort because it is (at least in my experience and opinion) the most effective way to make him feel that it is going to be to his benefit to come home.

Another variable that matters is if you can recreate or restore the intimacy between you. No one wants to come home and worry that it is going to be awkward or that things are going to feel forced. But, if he knows that he can easily walk into a comfortable and nurturing situation, he is most much likely to very willingly want to come home. This can take time and it can’t be forced. It can also be a good idea to ease him into the idea of coming home.

You start very small with just seeing one another regularly without any talk of him coming home and without any pressure. When that goes well, you begin going out and having fun. Once that is moving along nicely, you might have him begin to stay weekends. By moving gradually in this way, you’re allowing for things to unravel at a very realistic pace which takes much of the pressure off. And this gives you both more confidence that things are going to go well once he does move back home.

But to answer the original question, yes, men do move back home all of the time. It’s not even all that rare. The key is to inspire him to want to come home rather than the goal being just to wear him down so that he reluctantly comes home before he’s really ready to do so.

There was a time when I too thought that my husband would never come home.  But he did.  I was lucky because I had a plan that worked.  I realize that not all men come home, but I believe that many do. If it helps, you can read more about how I was able to navigate our separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Of all of the strategies that I’m asked about by wives attempting to lure their husbands back home, making him miss you so much that he can’t wait to return is the most common.  Wives often aren’t sure quite how to pull this off without appearing too desperate or obvious.  I heard from a wife who said: “my husband left about three weeks ago.  He said that he just wasn’t happy and he needed time to evaluate how he wants to proceed with our marriage.  Needless to say, I was heartbroken but no matter what I did or said, he indicated that he was leaving anyway and that there was no way to change his mind.  We do speak somewhat regularly.  He checks in with me, but he doesn’t give me any hints about what he is thinking.  And he never mentions coming home.  Frankly, this is what is most important to me.  I want him home where he belongs.  I also try to hint around to see if he will say that he misses me and wants to come home, but he never does.  How do I make him miss me more than he does? How do I make him miss me enough that he wants to come home.”

I had a definite and very strong opinion on this because I was in this exact situation and I felt very strongly that if I could make my separated husband miss me and yearn for me enough, he would finally come home.  But I found through my own experience that the harder I tried, the more he resisted.  I did eventually get him to miss me quite a bit, but it wasn’t until I almost gave up my very obvious plan that things turned around.  It’s my experience that actively trying to make him miss you will often accomplish just the opposite.  But taking a very unconventional approach often works much better.  I will explain more below.

Often, If It’s Obvious You’re Trying To Make Him Miss You, He Will Be Less Likely To Do So:  Many wives will do their best to make themselves appear attractive to their husband.  Some will even attempt to make him feel jealous or will hint that other men are trying to pursue them.  Still other wives will try to elicit guilt or they will make all sorts of promises as to what positive things he can expect if he just comes home.  The common denominator between all of these potentially failing plans is that the husband is very likely to know that he’s being manipulated.  As such, he is going to be tempted to doubt the validity of what you are trying to present to him.  And these doubts may well keep him from missing you all that much because he is confused as to what is real and what is not.

I know that this can be very frustrating.  And it can leave you wondering that if you’re not supposed to actively try to get him to miss you, then where does that leave you.  I’ll cover that topic now.

The Better Alternative.  How To Make Him Miss You While Not Making Your Plan Obvious: If you lean on him to see what he’s missing or are constantly asking him how he’s feeling about you, then you’re only assuring his resistance.  These questions make him uncomfortable so he may well think that it is in his best interest to avoid you.   And, while you may know that you shouldn’t try so hard, you often won’t be sure what you should do as an alliterative.  Well, it’s my experience that once you stop trying so hard, you will actually gain some ground.  As strange as it sounds, once you begin to live your life without the sense of desperation or panic that comes with making your sole focus getting him home, he will often notice this and eventually may miss you more than he might have if missing you was your sole focus.

I understand that this might not be what you want to hear.  But I would rather tell you something that will actually help you get him back home than something that sounds good but is essentially ineffective.  I literally had almost given up on my husband once he began to suddenly take notice.  And frankly, he began to take notice (and to miss me) because I suddenly backed away.  He could not help but notice that suddenly I was no longer constantly calling or asking about his feelings or wondering aloud how much he missed me.  I will very openly admit that this wasn’t my intention in the beginning.  It wasn’t a conscious or calculating plan.  I became so tired of not getting the results that I wanted that I took a break. And this is what made the difference.  Once I took that break, the silence had him questioning what I was up to.  And this is when he started to miss me.  Had I known that the end result would have been so easy, I would not have wasted all the time that I did.

So to answer the question posed, it’s my experience that the best way to get him to miss you and to want to come home is to not try so hard and so obviously to accomplish this.  Instead, live yourself.  Remain open to your husband.  Remain positive and friendly.  But don’t make your sole purpose in life to get him to miss you or to get him to come home.  Instead, make it clear that while you will be there when he comes to a decision, you no longer plan to put things on hold while you are waiting.  I know that this might sound counter-intuitive, but the success rate of this plan is much higher than more obvious plans.

As I said, I sort of lucked into this plan.  I spent months trying to get my husband home with no success whatsoever.  In fact, my attempts to get him home only made things worse between us.  It wasn’t until I took a break that he began to literally pursue me.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives whose husbands can’t or won’t be honest about his feelings toward the  marriage.  These husbands will sometimes claim that their feelings are conflicted and this usually makes the wife want to uncover his feelings that much more.  And wives can wonder if he’s legitimately confused or just using this as an excuse.

I heard from a wife who said: “our marriage has been in trouble for quite some time.  Over the last couple of months, there has been no real intimacy between us and when we are together, we just stare at one another awkwardly.  There isn’t really anything for us to talk about because we are really two very different people.    I finally got up my nerve and asked him if he was still committed and invested in my marriage.  He told me that he didn’t know because he was ‘confused.’   He said he didn’t know how he felt about me or our marriage anymore.  I told him that he would have to be more specific because I didn’t know what ‘confused’ really means.   He told me that there are some days when he wants to walk away from our marriage and some days when he thinks he wants to fight for it. I asked him which days are more frequent and he admitted that he has more days when he wants to walk away.  So what does this mean for us?  And how can I help him get past his confusion so he will work with me to save our marriage?” I have a definite opinion on this, as I dealt with it myself in my own marriage.  I will share it in the following article.

A Husband’s Confusion About Your Marriage Isn’t The Worst Outcome: I know that this isn’t an easy situation for you.  It hurts to hear your husband say that he isn’t sure about you and the marriage.  However, many wives are dealing with a husband who has no confusion, because he is sure that his marriage is over.  So while his confusion may be frustrating to you, at least he hasn’t made up his mind that the marriage is over.  At least he still has some positive thoughts about you and your marriage.  This gives you something to build upon and tells you that all is not lost.

Don’t Push Him Too Hard To “Get Over” His Confusion Before You Have Given Him The Time And Space To Do So: Of course you want for him to make up his mind as soon as possible.  And the chances are good that you want for him to decide that he still wants you and your marriage.  So, it can be very tempting to push in order to make this happen quickly.  Even if you don’t mean to, it’s easy to start to apply some pressure to get him to not only make up his mind quickly, but to make up his mind to include the decision that you prefer.

This type of pressure can actually hurt your chances of making your marriage work.  In my opinion and experience, you’re generally going to be much better off giving off the appearance of patience.  Even if  you don’t feel this patience, try to take a step back and make it appear as if you do.  You want for your husband to believe that you want him to be happy and you are willing to allow him to come to his own decisions.  Now, understand that he is going to be more likely to be committed to your and your marriage if you act in a positive way while he’s making up his mind.  I know that this can be very challenging when you know that there is a real chance that when the confusion ends, he may walk away.  But choose to focus on the positive because this gives you a better chance of getting the results you want.

What Does It Mean When He’s Confused About Your Marriage?: It often means that he’s having some conflicting feelings and he doesn’t know which are more real or valid.  Often, this “confusion” comes after you’ve had some struggles in your marriage, but this isn’t always the case.  Sometimes, husbands project other problems in their lives onto their marriage.  The good news is that eventually, many come to realize that their wife or their marriage truly wasn’t the problem.  However, even if you suspect this, it’s often not to your benefit to tell your husband that he’s wrong or being selfish.  If you allow him to figure this out on his own, that’s the best outcome.

Can You Pinpoint The Source Of His Confusion?: Sometimes, the reason that your husband is confused is obvious.  Sometimes, there are intimacy issues, another woman, or a certain conflict that just won’t go away.  If you know the source of the confusion, try to address it in a genuine and loving way.  When I say genuine, what I mean by that is that you don’t want it to  be obvious that you are just trying to clean up the problems quickly to end his confusion.  Instead, you want to make it clear that you are trying to solve your problem because you genuinely care about him and the marriage.

A Suggested Dialog: Instead of trying to strong arm your husband into making a quick decision that may be detrimental to you and your marriage, you might try something like: “I’m hurt to hear that you’re confused about our marriage.  My commitment is clear to me, but I understand that you might be struggling with some things right now.  I have no problem giving you the time and space that you need because I love you and I want to save our marriage.  If you can give me some feedback as to what might be the main source of your confusion, I’d be more than happy to work with you to resolve any issues so that the answer might be a little more clear.”

Notice that in this conversation, you never told him his confusion was a stall tactic or was not genuine.  And you never questioned his sincerity.   It should be a given that you respect and accept his feelings.  If you disagree with him or try to strong arm him into hurrying up and making up his mind, the implication is that your peace of mind matters more than his and you never want to give off this impression when your very marriage is at stake.

My husband’s confusion about our marriage lead to a separation because I didn’t handle it in the right way.  I didn’t take him seriously enough and he eventually wanted time on his own to evaluate his confusion.  Only taking him seriously until after the separation was a huge mistake that almost costs me my marriage.  Eventually though, I changed course and was able to save it.  If it helps, you can read the whole emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: People often contact me and tell me that their spouse has become “indifferent” to them or their marriage.  Needless to say, most people can’t help but notice this.  I often hear comments like: “my husband has become completely indifferent to me.  He’s no longer affectionate.  He mostly just ignores me.  It’s not as if we’re fighting or anything, it’s just as if he doesn’t seem to care whether I’m there or not.  It’s like I’m just any other person or acquaintance rather than his wife.”

Many people assume that if their spouse doesn’t appear to be angry or overtly mad at them, then there’s no ready to worry too much or get worked up about it.  But frankly, I worry a lot when someone tells me their spouse is indifferent.  Because this means that the spouse has possibly checked out of the marriage.

When people are angry, frustrated, or even fighting regularly, they are often doing so because they are still invested enough in their marriage and in their spouse to feel these emotions.  But indifference means something else entirely.  Sure, many find it preferable because there’s not much conflict.  But there isn’t much emotion either and this can be a real problem in your marriage.  In the following article, I’ll discuss what it might mean for your marriage when your spouse is indifferent and what you might consider doing about it.

What Does It Mean When Your Spouse Is Indifferent:  Sometimes when people ask me about indifference in their spouse, they’ll try to excuse it away.  They’ll say things like “Oh, that’s just how he is.  He doesn’t get overly emotional about anything.”  But I often ask the person who contacted me to compare their spouse’s emotions when they first got married to their emotions today.

Because often, when the relationship was good, they’d see what is a high level of emotion from their spouse (even for an even-keeled person) in contrast with what they’re seeing now (which is very low emotion.)

Sure, some people aren’t very demonstrative or free with their emotions.  But most people can tell the difference between a low key person and indifference. When a spouse is indifferent, it’s not that they’re not showing their emotions, it’s more likely that they are not experiencing them -at least with you.  Often, you’ll see your spouse interacting very differently with his friends of children.  Much of the time, his indifference is reserved for you.

I can’t say why this is happening as I don’t know your situation.  But most spouses become indifferent when they think the marriage just doesn’t work for them anymore or offers them anything to get worked up or emotional over.  Often, they are beyond being angry or sad or frustrated.

They are at the point where they believe that nothing is really ever going to change or improve, so why bother?  In a sense, indifference is a defense mechanism.  Because they’ll often tell you that they’ve been disappointed before, so whether they realize it or not, they’ve shut down in order to avoid this again, especially when they really believe that nothing is ever really going to change.

What Can You Do When Your Spouse Is Indifferent?  How Do You Handle It?: As you might suspect, the worst way to handle indifference in your spouse is to ignore the problem.  Because the more they withdraw and distance themselves, the harder it is to get them reinvested again.

The thing is though, when you tell them they’re indifferent or ask them why they are acting this way, they’ll often deny that anything is wrong.  They’ll ask why you’re getting so upset when they haven’t done anything or the two of you aren’t fighting.

So, rather than engage or argue about this (which isn’t likely to do any good,) I’d recommend giving them a reason to become involved again.  If they’ve checked out, then you need to give them a reason to check in.

Now, many spouses make the mistake of trying to engage their spouse because they are trying to get any emotional reaction at all.  They would rather their spouse be mad at and argue with them than to ignore them.  I understand this thinking, but I think it’s the wrong call.

Frankly, indifference is beyond the point of angry and trying to make them angry doesn’t really gain you any ground, it’s only made them mad on top of their indifference.  You don’t need two negatives to overcome.

You’ll often be much better off if you can lure them closer to you with positive reinforcements.  Remember when I said that people check out because they really do believe that nothing is ever going to change?  Well, it’s important to understand this because one way to get them to check back in is to show them that they were wrong about this assumption.

So you have to be very proactive in determining what would make them happier in the marriage and providing them just that.  Admittedly, as I’ve said I don’t know your situation.  But I can tell you that most indifferent spouses that I dialog with don’t feel heard, don’t feel appreciated, and don’t feel particularly involved.

If you shift your attention, your priorities, and your actions, you’ll often find your spouse becoming somewhat receptive to you again.  I know that this can be a gradual process, but it is worth it in the end.  I can’t imagine being in a marriage with an indifferent spouse for the long term. It would not be a pleasant experience.  And both of you deserve to have a marriage where both people are fully participating and invested.

You don’t need to necessarily tell your spouse what you’re doing.  They will likely notice even if they aren’t sure why you are doing what you are.

I truly believe indifference is one of the biggest indicators that the marriage is in real trouble.  Because it’s very hard to save your marriage when one spouse just isn’t interested anymore.

Unfortunately for me, I ignored my husband’s indifference for so long that this almost cost me my marriage.  It was a long crawl back but I finally came up with a plan that got him invested in the marriage again and this saved it.  We came a long way and are very solid today.  If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I often hear from people (usually wives) who are going through a separation (or considering one) and want the whole process to be over as soon as possible so that they can save their marriages.  Many agreed to the separation because they saw no other way.  It was clear that their husband was dead set on the separation so they figured this was better than a divorce. But now, they are in a situation where they need a plan to end the separation and save their marriage.

I completely understand how this feels as I was in the same situation once upon a time and I remember it as one of the worse times in my life.  And, because of my blog, I hear from people in this situation on an almost daily basis.  So I believe I have a good handle on what works and what doesn’t during the separation.  In the following article, I’ll be covering what I think are the dos and don’ts while you are separated – or those things you definitely should and should not do when you’re trying to save your marriage during a separation.

Do Not Bug Your Spouse Too Much:  Give The “Time Apart” The Chance To Work:  I know that it feels very scary when you’re away from your spouse.  You worry that they’re moving further away from you if they’re happier being separated and may eventually want a divorce.

So you can feel “under the gun” so to speak to do something fast.  And you worry that the phrase “out of sight out of mind” is indeed true, so if you’re not in contact with them constantly, then you’re really losing some ground.

But if you contact them or are “in touch” too much, then you really run the risk of annoying them.  More than that, you miss out on the chance to have them miss you, long for you, and remember you in a positive way.  If you are calling, texting, or “checking up” too much, then he may well think of you in a negative way when he’s evaluating you and the marriage and wondering what he wants to happen with the separation.

Don’t “Ignore Your Spouse” During The Separation:  This leads me to my next point.  There’s a lot of advice out there that tells you that you should ignore your spouse, pretend that you don’t care, or make them think that you’re having the time of your life or going out with someone else.

I DO advocate creating some mystery and painting yourself in the best possible light.  You want them to think that you are keeping busy and handling your life just fine. However, people take this too far.  If you’re trying to make your spouse feel like you can turn your feelings on and on at the drop of a hat or that the commitment to your marriage is something that is fleeting, you’re likely sending the wrong message.  And frankly, this message might make your spouse follow your lead and shut you out.  This isn’t what you want.

Don’t Place All Of Your Focus On Changing His Mind About The Separation Or Getting Him To End The Separation Before He’s Ready To Do So:  I completely get that you want the separation over as soon as possible.   But if you’re constantly pressuring him and he’s not ready to make a decision, he’ll either be annoyed or more inclined to make a decision that you wouldn’t like.

Instead, you should focus on improving your relationship – and appear not to worry about where that leads.  Notice I said “appear?”  This is important.  You want him to know that what and who you really care about is him, his happiness, and your happiness as a couple.  OK, so maybe your relationship is going to evolve.  (Your plan is that it’s not going to but he doesn’t have to know that.)

Your whole message should be that you’re respecting his needs, but you want to maintain the relationship, no matter what definition that might take at the time.

DO Make Him Think You Are Coping Just Fine During The Separation:  Always remember the things that are attractive to your spouse.  Someone who is so filled with fear and a lack of confidence that they’re not willing to give their spouse the time to miss them is not considered attractive to many.

Sure, you might get his pity, but this strategy won’t likely give you his desire.  You need his desire.  You need him to want you again. This can’t happen if you’re a mess.

I know that maybe you can’t help how you’re feeling.  And there’s nothing wrong with acting on those feelings if he can’t see you.  But when he does see you, then you need to present yourself as someone who is coping just fine.  Of course, you don’t want to pretend like you are happier without him.  But you don’t want to make him think that you are coping, partly because you are confident that things will work out the way that they are supposed to.  I know this is a delicate dance and I messed it up during my separation so badly at times.   But if you always ask yourself how you are being portrayed, this can help.

Show Him A Woman Who Is Easy To Fall Back In Love With (Hint: He Already Knows Her Very Well🙂  You actually have an advantage very close by that you don’t even realize.  You know what it takes to make this man fall in love.  You have accomplished this once.  Do not lose your confidence now when you need it the most.

If you know he loves that fun-loving, happy go luck part of you, then you have to bring that forth when you see him, even if it’s so difficult.  I know it may feel like you’re playing a game sometimes.  But this is your life and your marriage.  You do what you have to do to get it back.  And you’re much more likely to get it back if you focus on the positive.  Bringing about positive feelings draws him to you.  Negative feelings will do the opposite.

You can do this.  I know you’re separated.  But a separation doesn’t have to mean a divorce.  Separated people get back together every day.  I did.  People who email me did.  Stay positive.  Have a plan and stay the course.

You can read about how this played out in my own life (and how I lucked into doing right finally.  On my blog on http://isavedmymarriage.com.  And, if you haven’t watched T Dub Jackson’s free save your relationship video on this topic, it’s excellent. I agree with a lot of his points.

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