Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: The vast majority of people that I hear from do not feel understood or heard by their spouse.  I find that many folks do not comprehend just how serious of a problem this might be.  Sure, no one is perfect at communicating or at reading someone else’s clues.  And sure, all marriages can withstand a few misunderstandings.  But if you go through your life, and through your marriage, for any significant period of time feeling constantly misunderstood, this can’t help but have a huge impact on your marriage and how you feel about it.  This can be true even if your spouse is sincerely TRYING to understand, but just can’t.  But it’s even more true if your spouse appears to be making no effort whatsoever to try to understand you.  It can make you question if he thinks that you are not important enough or not even worth the effort.

For example, a wife might think: “why doesn’t my husband even make the slightest effort to understand me anymore?  When we were dating, it was like he was fascinated at what made me tick and what contributed to my happiness.  But today, he acts as if I am overly complicated rather than unique and fascinating.  I am trying to make some positive changes in my life.  And my husband is totally resistant to this because all he can see if that the changes might be putting him out or inconveniencing him some.  But what he doesn’t seem to get, or remotely care about, is that the changes are important to ME.  He doesn’t understand that I need to tweak some things in my life in order to be authentically happy.  But he doesn’t take the time to try to analyze my thinking or ask himself what I need in my life.  He acts as if I’m only trying to inconvenience him instead.  So I’ve tried to explain myself, but I’ll find myself passionately talking about something and I will look over, only to find that my husband is giving me a blank stare.  His eyes are sort of glazed over and he is almost slumped down, as if even listening to me is a heavy task for him.  It’s so discouraging.  It makes me think that he doesn’t care about me at all.  Am I wrong in thinking this?  Why else would a husband not even make the slightest effort to understand his wife?”

You’re right to be concerned.  When you start to see this type of apathy and indifference toward you (or toward what is important to you) it can be sort of warning sign.  Not always, of course.  But sometimes, it is. It definitely was for me and I ended up separated. That’s why you can’t ever be too careful. I can think of a few reasons that you might be seeing this behavior.  I’ll list some of them below.  And I’ll start with the most benign and then work my way up down to the most troublesome.

You’ve Caught Him At A Bad Time Or On An Occasion Where He’s Preoccupied With His Own Issues:  Sometimes, we just catch our spouse’s at an inopportune time.  We all have times in our lives where it’s just not feasible to give someone our undivided attention.  How do you know if this is the case?  Well, you can ask yourself if this is an isolated incident or if you’ve noticed him tuning you out or not treating you with importance more than this one time lately.

He Doesn’t Really Understand Your Thought Process, So He’s Just Trying To Appear As Attentive As He Can:  This one is actually pretty common, especially when we are talking about emotions that are not as natural to men.  When we start to discuss deep or emotional thinking, men do tend to tune out a bit, because this is just not how their own brains work. They can’t relate and so they might be staring at you (or looking at you when you’re having a conversation,) but their wheels aren’t necessarily turning.  It’s the same with me when my spouse tries to discuss sports.  I try.  I really do.  I even enjoy some sports.  But I don’t have the depth of understanding that my husband does, so I try to nod in the right places, but I’m sure my face looks kind of blank.  The thing is, I don’t think my husband cares too deeply because, although he loves sports, they aren’t vitally important to him – in the way that your authenticity is to you.  And, the more important something is to you, the more you want your spouse to “hear” you and to “understand” you.  So this was a topic that was already charged for you, but your husband may not have realized it at the time.

He May Be Acting Indifferent To You Because He Is Starting To Lose Connectedness To And Empathy Toward You, Which Is A Warning Sign:  Ok, I’m only mentioning this because I wish someone had given me the “heads-up” when I was going through something similar.  If they had, perhaps I would not have ended up separated.  By no means am I saying or suggesting that this is the case with you. I can’t possibly know that.  I’m just saying that it’s never a bad idea to take an honest look at your marriage and evaluate this. Because when couples are deeply connected, they at least try to make an effort to understand one another, especially about things that MATTER in the way that this matters to you.  Granted, I glaze over when my husband talks about sports sometimes.  But if his voice talks about something that I know to be quite important to him, I sit up and take notice.

It wasn’t always this way, though.  When our marriage was struggling, we were both guilty of not trying hard enough to empathize, to hear, and to understand.  And this is the natural by-product of a marriage that has lost connectedness and empathy. We had lost so much of this that we eventually separated.  I did get him back, but it was a painful process that I would have preferred to avoid.  And it took me way too long to stumble onto a strategy that actually worked. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com  But you certainly want to avoid my mistakes if you can. 

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people are clear on the fact that, no matter what happens, they are committed to still loving their spouse. This, they figure, is the meaning of unconditional love. You love someone even when they aren’t at their most lovable and even when it’s not always easy for you. After all, love is a lifetime commitment that we all know isn’t easy all of the time. So, many of us think that we have the “love thing” down. But what about the “like” thing? What happens when our spouse is acting in a way that makes them not very likable? How should we react then? And what if our not liking them is putting our marriage in jeopardy?

I might hear someone explain it this way: “When I first met my husband, he was a kind, gentle soul. One thing that drew my husband and me together was the fact that we were both clear on the fact that we wanted to enjoy the simple things in life. We both come from parents who are very affluent and for whom money means everything. Both of us grew up feeling like we were not good enough. We both felt like we didn’t really fit in with our families. We are both more comfortable eating at a 50’s diner or a family-style restaurant than in the fine dining places my parents go. My husband and I both wanted to get jobs that meant something to society. We both started as teachers and now I am a school principal. This career path meant the world to me because I felt like I’d found my kindred spirit. And when we had children, we were so proud that we were going to raise our children in a way that felt more authentic to us than the upbringing of our own childhoods. Well, last summer, my husband announced that he didn’t want to go back to teaching in the fall. He said that he was tired of working so many hours for just a little money while he saw his friends and siblings work half as many hours for twice as much money. He said that now that we have children, he realizes that money is more important to him than he thought. Now, he works in finance and he wears a suit and tie to work every day and he measures his success in terms of money just like his father. As if this isn’t bad enough, I notice other aspects of his personality that have changed. He has less patience. He is quicker to snap at me in anger and he is much more sarcastic. I don’t like his new personality. And if he was a colleague instead of my husband, I wouldn’t like his personality at all. I wouldn’t want to be friends with him. I would just avoid him. What happens now? This is hard because I don’t want to break up my family. It is so important to me that my children grow up in a loving household with present parents. I don’t want to let go of that dream, but I am not sure if I want that dream with someone that I don’t like very much.”

Most Of Us Sportatically Dislike Our Spouse, At Least Some Of The Time: I know that this likely feels awful. And although this may not completely help you, I can tell that this isn’t an uncommon situation. Very few people remain exactly the same throughout the entire course of their lives. This means that most of us do not remain the same person throughout the entire course of marriages. In truth, many of us are forced to change due to external circumstances that require us to respond. Honestly, often, these changes are good. Those of us who go through financial hardship learn to be grateful for the little things that we have. Those of us who go through illness learn to lean on our family and friends.

You could argue that this husband was going through his own change process. He was likely at a point in his life where he felt the weight of the family responsibilities. It’s easy to be idealistic and non-materialistic when we are young and have no one to support. But things do change when you have children.  Plus, I believe that it is different for a man. Because sometimes, even when both the husband and the wife work, it is still the societal norm to think that it is the husband’s career that provides for the family while the wife’s salary goes for “extras.”

Understand What You Should And Should Not Attempt To Control: I don’t agree with these societal norms. But I am telling you that this thought process exists and I think it’s possible that your husband is responding to it. So I would suggest that you not judge him too harshly for his becoming more realistic about money. I think that most people would agree that it’s unrealistic to think that you can or should want to choose or even have an input in your spouse’s career. Your spouse is the one who has to go to work every day and actually do the job. So if he is happy and making a living, then I don’t think his career choices are up to anyone but him.

Drawing The Line When His New Behaviors Affect Your Marriage:  If his career choices are bringing about behaviors that you find troubling, you are well within your rights to bring this up. The next time you notice your husband being short or impatient you might try something like: “honey, I need to bring something up to you and I don’t want for you to take it the wrong way. Lately, I’ve been noticing that you seem a little short-tempered and distant. I have no idea what might be causing it, but it seems to have started shortly after you began your new job. Is there anything bothering you that I can help you with? If you need to talk about anything, you know that I am always here for you and that I always want to help.”

I have worded it this way because I think that, in order to get the results that you want, you should always approach your spouse as though you want to help them instead of wanting to change them. He may well share some issues with you or he may not. But at least it will open up an invitation for you both to look at this issue. And he will be aware of it, which may mean that he makes an effort to stop.

I don’t necessarily think that this has to have any serious, negative consequences toward your marriage, so long as you work it out before it becomes a huge problem. I also think it is important to try to see your husband as the initial man you fell in love with. Yes, he may look different in that suit and tie. But I’d bet that same idealistic young man is still in there somewhere. He just feels responsible for his family. And that is not always a bad thing.

In some ways, my husband and I are both different people.  But, the commitment of being married dictates that you take the good with the bad.  However, we didn’t always understand this.  And there was a time that our differences lead to a marital separation. This is not a path that I would ever want to repeat. But we did turn it around. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: We all know that when our children are infants and toddlers, these few years can be very hard on our marriages. As much as you love your children, you are forced to pour every ounce of energy and effort into them. This can take energy and effort that might have gone into keeping your marriage strong, and displace it to somewhere else.

In some instances, spouses can feel a little jealous or resentful of this, even if you love both your spouse and your children very much. Even when we know that small children can be disruptive to our marriage and we make every effort to counter this, we can still find that it is having a negative effect.

So you might tell yourself that if you can just get through these trying few years, things are going to be a lot better. One day, you reason, your children will be grown and you’ll be free to focus on your marriage. This is a lovely thought. But it’s not a reality for every one. Because once you hit those teen-aged years, the parental stressors that you thought were behind you might come crashing back. And this can tax your marriage more than you ever thought possible.

Someone might explain: “my husband and I were coasting along wonderfully in our marriage. But then our kids became teenagers. And now our house is so stressful and filled with hate. We fight all of the time. My husband thinks that I am too strict and I think that he is slacking off on the job of parenting. If it was up to him, our kids would stay out until all hours without having to notify us. Yes, I nag my children. But if I didn’t, there would be no boundaries. My husband seems to feel that we have our parenting days behind us and now we should just enjoy our ‘alone time.’ I feel like our kids need us more than ever. They are now at the age where the decisions that they make – to drink, to party, to participate in risky behaviors – may have an impact on the rest of their lives. I don’t take that lightly. And I’m not just going to kick back and go on a parental hiatus because my husband is tired of parenting and not strong enough to handle teenagers. Last week, we got in an awful fight about – what else – our kids. My husband said he was sick of the whole thing and that he was going to leave and live on his own. He said I don’t take his opinions into consideration when it comes to parenting anyway, so it wouldn’t matter if he wasn’t even present. I told him that his idea was ridiculous, but he wouldn’t listen. I honestly think that this might destroy my marriage, although that sounds silly even to my ears.”

The Teenage Years Can Be Very Hard On Marriages: I don’t find it silly at all. Experts and statistics will tell you that the two most stressful times of parenting are when a child is an infant and toddler and when a child is a teenager. It’s also a time when people are faced with memories of their own teenage years, which also can cause conflict, especially when you and your spouse have two different personalities. For example, I am a very straight arrow. I never skipped school. I never drank or smoked. My husband, who is more responsible and laid back as an adult, was a bit of a problem teen. He did participate in risky behavior, which had some consequences. Our differences have actually worked for us lately. They add spark. But, if we were parenting teens, there is no doubt that these differences would be an issue. I’d likely take a firm grip whereas my husband would think that part of growing up is making mistakes.

And frankly, both of us would have valid points of view. I think the trick is finding that balance between setting boundaries and giving your kids a little leeway to explore and feel the consequences of their own actions. The problem is that in the teen years, even this compromise is risky. Because these are the years where we are talking about drinking and driving and teenage pregnancy. So you DO need to watch your teen more closely.  At a time when many parents tend to start to pull away, this is the time when you actually need to be moving even more close.

Safeguarding Your Marriage: The trick to all of this balance is going to be to not destroy your marriage in the process. I think that one way to do this would be to sit down with your husband and agree on some rules and boundaries that just are not up for negotiation. Agree on a curfew. Agree that the kids will text you when they get to or leave their destination. Agree how often they will be allowed to go out. Agree on the consequences if they break the rules. Make sure both kids understand this and realize that there is no wiggle room.

With these boundaries created, there no longer needs to be so much debate or argument. Just carry out what you have already agreed to when needed. And you will not need to argue regularly anymore because you’ve already established what is or is not acceptable.

When the kids are out or away, make the most of your time with your husband. That way, he won’t feel as neglected or like you spend all of your time parenting. But when the kids are home and you need to be a parent, then don’t make apologies, but try to keep harmony. It’s very important that you keep a united front. If your kids smell weakness, they will exploit it. That’s normal. But when they exploit it, this chips away at your marriage.

I know it sounds cliche. But if you can get past these next couple of years, it will be behind you. And if you can work hard and get it right, you’ll have kids who have thrived in their teenage years and a marriage that is still very much in tact.

From experience, I know that it’s vital to handle serious conflicts like this the instant they come up.  If you let them fester, it truly can lead to the destruction of your marriage, as I found out.  I was able to save my marriage, but it was a very scary time. There’s more of this story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives get a very unfortunate, and sometimes sudden, message from their husbands.  Sometimes, this message appears to come out of nowhere and other times, there is some very obvious unhappiness and tension within the marriage before it comes.  Regardless, it can be devastating when your husband mutters the words: “I don’t know if I want to be married anymore.”  Most people’s first and natural inclination is to demand more information.  What does this mean, exactly?  Is he going to seek a divorce?  Is he going to wait and try to evaluate his feelings to see if he can go from “not knowing” to being sure?  The problem is that although most wives ask for this information, not all of them get it.  Many husbands will tell you that they can’t provide further information because they just don’t have it.  They will tell you that they don’t know what the future is going to bring. All they can tell you is that for right now, they are having some doubts.

A frustrated and confused wife might say: “I will admit that the last three months of my marriage have been pretty bad.  We’ve had our challenges because we’ve had a lot of stress in our lives.  It seems that there has been one disaster after another that we have had to navigate.  As a result, our marriage has had to take a back seat, with disastrous results.  However, I thought that once things calmed down, our marriage would eventually recover.  Unfortunately, it seems that my husband may not be willing to give our marriage that opportunity.  This weekend, we were bickering and my husband suddenly blurted out, ‘I’m not sure if I want to be married anymore.’  So I asked a slew of questions.  I asked him if he was divorcing or leaving me.  I asked him if this meant that he was going to be a bachelor for the rest of his life or if this just meant that he didn’t want to be married to me, specifically.  He says that he can’t answer any of these questions because he just doesn’t know. So what does it typically mean when a man says he doesn’t know if he wants to be married anymore?”

I can certainly give you some theories.  But that is all that they are going to be.  You can certainly see if any of them ring true for you.  Or, when the time is right, you could ask your husband about them.

He Isn’t Sure That He Wants To Married Anymore If Things Don’t Change With Your Marriage:  This one is very common.  And husbands often drop these little phrases in order to get your attention.  Because they are trying to initiate a change.  Sometimes, change doesn’t seem to be happening quickly enough for their tastes so they will begin to question if it is ever going to happen at all.  And that’s when they will start to question if they want to continue on with the marriage.  One way to test this theory is to ask yourself what bothers your husband the most and then make a fast and concentrated effort to try to change it.  If this seems to make your husband at least a little more agreeable or receptive to you, then you’ll know what you are dealing with.  I unfortunately did not give my husband my attention in a similar scenario and I ended up separated as a result.  I eventually got him back, but it was a painful and stressful process.  So I can not stress enough the importance of being proactive.

He’s Starting To Wonder If He Is The Type Of Person Who Thrives In A Marriage:  Sometimes, especially in mid-life, people start to evaluate whether or not they are suited to their current lifestyle.  They will generally start examining their job, their marriage, and their place in the world.  They will begin to think that perhaps some of these things no longer suit them.  The sad thing is that they will often overreact because they don’t realize that it is not the external things that are causing the discontent – it is something inside of them instead.  So they will make all of these drastic changes and they will later figure out that it wasn’t the external things that were causing the problem after all.  They’re still unhappy, but now they have cast off the people and things that were most important.  If you suspect that this is the case, it sometimes helps to give your spouse a little space.  In my experience, it is not helpful to tell him that he is selfish, wrong, or in a laughable mid-life crisis.  Even though this is frustrating and it’s normal to be angry, you want to come at him like you’re looking to support him instead of looking to change him.  Because if he senses you are being critical or that he is not being heard, he is only going to get defensive and isolate himself.  And this doesn’t help you, your marriage, or him.

Instead, you want to create the stance that encourages him to come closer to you rather than drifting away. It took me entirely too long to hear this.  You can read more about my separation and eventual reconciliation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from folks who are already on a possible path toward divorce.  What I mean by that is that their spouse may have already filed for divorce or has already moved out.  Now, it is by no means impossible to save your marriage in these circumstances.  I did and many other couples do it every single day.  But these circumstances do bring challenges.  So, I am always looking for suggestions to help you rescue your marriage BEFORE it gets to a very damaged point so that you have to panic and try to save it.

Below, I’ll list some very common things which I think are some of the biggest contributing factors to divorces (or separations) and suggest some relatively easy things that you might try to fix them.

Critical Thoughts And Nasty Exchanges: This may have surprised you, right? You might have expected money or sexual issues to top this list.  Well, those things are very detrimental also.  But frankly, I have learned that you can tell a lot about a marriage by just observing the way that the two people talk to one another.  When a marriage begins to deteriorate, sometimes if you really watch, you’ll see that the people in it treat co workers and even strangers nicer than their spouse.  This doesn’t make any of us bad people.  Many couples do this.  We live in a high-stress society where those closest to us can absorb the brunt of our frustrations.

But, if we aren’t careful, this can very negatively affect our marriage.  These frustrations turn into critical thoughts. The critical thoughts turn into a nasty tone of voice, unfortunate conversations, and fighting.  If you identify with this description at all, be mindful of your thoughts and words.  This takes practice.  It is often gradual.  But I’ll bet you’ll find that you could be much nicer to your spouse.  And making this effort can pay huge dividends.

Isolating Yourself Or Reaching Out To Others Instead Of To Your Spouse:  The above scenario is likely step one of a marital decline.  But after you begin criticizing each other, fighting, or offering up the silent treatment, you begin to get away from that “us versus them” mentality that you used to have with your spouse.  Whereas you may have previously thought of yourself as a team, you may now reach out to your friends or colleagues instead of confiding in your spouse.  This may seem benign at first.  But in the long run it only deepens the distance between the two of you.  And frankly, this is often the beginning of a lack of intimacy and connection, which can lead to things like infidelity, sexual problems, and those money issues we talked about earlier.

You can address this issue by taking an honest look at it.  How much are you sharing and confiding with your spouse about the things that are important to you?  How often do the two of you really talk?  How often do you have one another’s back?  It is hard to do these things when you have those critical thoughts we talked about earlier, which is why it is important to take a hard look at the marriage as a whole.

An Unwillingness To Adjust And Compromise As Needed: Let’s face it.  Very few of us have the marriage today that we did in the first years of our marriage.  We get to the point where we aren’t kids anymore and we don’t have the luxury of thinking that our lives are going to be all sunshine and light.  We have bills to pay, occasionally sick kids, aging parents, and the reality that all of this now falls on OUR shoulders.  These stressors can suck the life blood out of your marriage if you let them.

That’s why you have to be flexible and adjust.  You have to steal back that time and you have always have to be evaluating, tweaking, and fixing.  It’s so easy to become comfortable and complacent in a marriage.  It feels easier to think “well, this is just the way that it is when you’re married for a while.  It will all work itself out eventually.”  But this type of thinking is what leads to serious marital problems later on.  Complacency is very dangerous. And I believe that it was a huge contributing factor to my separation.  I wanted so desperately to believe that my husband and I were just going through a rough patch that would fix itself with patience.  So I sat back and did nothing.  And that is one of my biggest regrets in my life so far.  Because this complacency almost cost me my marriage.

If you see any of the above, make an effort to get really observant and really honest. Then, ask yourself what steps you can take to remedy the problems. I know that it’s sometimes scary to be vulnerable and to make the first move. But someone has to do it.  Don’t let fear and complacency cause you to do nothing. Because I know first hand that there is a real danger in this.  I almost lost my marriage because of it.  You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There is very little that hurts as badly as knowing that your spouse might leave you for something that is entirely your fault and also for something that can not be undone. This feels even worse when the act was committed by someone who is a stranger to you today (because you have profoundly changed) – but you can’t make your spouse understand and believe this. And therefore, your marriage is at risk.

I might hear from a wife who says: “for once in my life, I am going to just be brutally honest and admit that I can be a liar. I have lied all of my life. And I am not sure why this is. Mostly, I think it is because I come from a very dysfunctional family and I have watched my mother lie rather than face up to her problems for all of my life. I met my husband when we were in high school and I was very immature. But I loved him so much. I would have done anything to keep him. So when he tried to break up with me, I told him that I was pregnant when I wasn’t. We got married because of this and I faked a miscarriage later. Recently, I became pregnant for real. At the doctor’s office, my doctor asked me about previous pregnancies and I wasn’t even thinking and I told my doctor that there had been none. My husband piped up about the supposed miscarriage and I guess he could tell by my reaction that I had been lying all along. I wish I could tell you that this was the only big lie that I have ever told my husband, but it isn’t. There hasn’t been another lie as big as that one, but there have been lies – about money, about my family, about my job and all sorts of things that I have hidden from my husband because I didn’t want him to think less of me. My husband is threatening to leave me because he says that I am not an honorable person and he just can’t respect me anymore. I am devastated. The thing is, I truly haven’t lied to him in about a year. Once we seriously started talking about having kids, I decided to become an adult. I’ve matured. I’m not the teenager who lied to him. I’m an adult woman who realizes that she needs to have enough respect for her family and herself to tell the truth always. I have promised my husband that if he wouldn’t leave me, I’d come clean about everything I’ve ever kept from him. But he says it’s too late. How can I make him see that I have changed and that I am trustworthy so that he won’t leave me?”

Understand That Real Change Is Not Immediate: There are a lot of concerns here, and many seem very immediate.  It appears that the main concern is to get the husband not to leave – which is a little bit of a red flag because it could indicate that preventing him from leaving was more important than genuine change. Here is a difficult truth to digest, but one that must be understood. You can’t undo years of lying in just a few days’ worth of talking. I believe that it is possible to show him real change, but it could take a while.

And the reason for this is that people need to see long term proof in order to overcome their doubts. Because the lies have been ongoing, of course he’s going to worry that you may be trustworthy for a while and then fall back into your old ways. The best way to show him that you have truly changed then, is to involve him in the process.

Think About The Long Term First: I’m going to be honest and tell you that I think the biggest concern right now would be to lay a very strong foundation on which to build a family. I advocate looking at the long term goal (family health) rather than the short term goal (to placate him temporarily so that he won’t leave.) Because you are bringing a child into the world and you do not want the child to grow up in the same dysfunction that you did.

Involving Him In The Process of Real Change: I would strongly encourage any type of counseling or support that you can get. I would also advocate asking your husband to go with you. But when you do so, do not ask him in such a way that it sounds like you are only trying to get him not to leave. You want to sincerely convey that you are asking him there so that you can set a foundation to co parent your child no matter what ultimately happens with your relationship. Because you don’t want him to think that the counseling is only motivated by your only wanting him to stay. He should believe that you want him to go with you because you are motivated to really change for good.

And even with this, he is going to have some doubts for some time until you prove yourself over and over again. This may seem unfair and frustrating to you. But if you are sincere about changing, then that means that this proof for the sake of your family is likely worth it to you. Be willing to overcome his reservations because you are confident in your own sincerity. Have patience and don’t accuse him of being insensitive or suspicious. Just have the quiet confidence that in time, he will believe in your sincerity because it is authentic.

Even when you are completely sincere about change, it may take your spouse a while to truly believe it and to overcome his doubts.  This was true in my case.  But I always told myself that my husband and my marriage was worth hanging in there for.  And I have never regretted that.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: On the day of your marriage, you envision growing old with that man standing at the altar with you. The idea is that the two of you will navigate life’s good days and bad days together. On this day, virtually none of us envision that this ideal is not actually going to happen.

That’s why it can be very shocking when your spouse seeks a separation or refuses to reconcile after one – while telling you that he’s not sure that he envisions a “happily ever after” future with you after all. Or, he announces that he’s not sure that he wants to grow old with you.

Someone might speak of a scenario like this one: “for the past six months, my husband has been moping around the house, generally speaking about how unhappy I make him. Two months ago, he moved out. The separation honestly wasn’t as bad as I feared it would be, because we saw one another a good deal and had some wonderful talks.  We also came to some understandings during that time. So I honestly thought that we might eventually reconcile. But when I mentioned this to my husband, he said ‘I don’t want you to take this the wrong way. I do love you. But I honestly don’t know if I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m still a relatively young man with a lot of time left and I don’t know if it’s right to spend it with someone who is so different from me and with whom I often have conflict.’ I did not know how to answer this. Yes, we sometimes clash because of our different personalities. But this used to create a spark. I can’t envision my life without my husband. I don’t want to grow old without him. What can I do?”

These Words May Just Be An Extension Of His Initial Unhappiness: I don’t think that you need to press him for a final answer right now. His words were unfortunate, but they are likely just born out of the same confusion, frustration, and unhappiness that brought about the separation in the first place. Him not being able to picture a future with you this very second doesn’t mean that he won’t ever be able to picture a future with you.

Read The Clues That He Is Giving You:  I know that it might not seem like an advantage right now, but your husband has given you some clues about where his reservations lie. That is very important. You know that he feels that the two of you do not effectively work around the conflict that happens because of your different personalities. This is something that has already been identified. And because of that, it can also be addressed and fixed.

If this is the only problem (and only you would know whether this is true or not) then removing this obstacle might make him see his future with you as much more positive, enjoyable, and possible.

Building On What You’ve Already Established: You’ve said that the two of you have been making progress during the separation and have been having productive talks. By all means, continue on with this. I can’t overstate the importance of building a new foundation and showing your husband new behaviors. I think that it would be a very good idea to get some assistance in conflict resolution. Sometimes, this comes through counseling or self-help. Regardless of how you do it, I think that it’s important to find something that is very effective, to stick with it, and to let your husband know that you have taken the initiative to do this.

Then, when the two of you are together, you can make sure he sees that new part of you. He needs to see that your personality differences do not always mean conflict. He needs to see that you can navigate your differences without huge problems or stress. Once he does, it will likely be much easier for him to envision a future with you.

Know That This Is Somewhat Typical: I know that his words are extremely hurtful and can make you worry about the future of your marriage. But honestly, many separated husbands say these types of things in the beginning. Perceptions can change as progress begins. Doubts begin to diminish. The loving feelings can begin to overshadow the standing issues. When these things happen, his image of the future can just naturally improve. At that point, he may no longer have those reservations and doubts.

Yes, this can take time, finesse, and patience. But change happens all of the time. I know that it might be tempting to just feel that your situation is hopeless. But that really isn’t to your benefit. The better play would be to build on the progress that you have already made and then add some new skills and changes to this. Doing so would likely decrease your husband’s doubts and increase his comfort level in thoughts of your future.

One phrase muttered at the beginning of a separation does not need to dictate your marital future. Things often change. And quite quickly, sometimes. So you may not want to give up hope just yet, although you are the only one who can make that decision.  There were most definitely times during my own separation that I was pretty sure that there would be no future with my husband.  And he definitely acted as if he didn’t WANT a future with me.  But as we made progress, and as I stopped clinging and pressuring, this changed.  We DID have a future and we are living it now.  You can read more about the twists and turns that lead to our reconciliation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It can be extremely confusing and upsetting when you have a spouse who you know loves you and who admits as much, but who at the same time is telling you that he needs space or that he wants a separation from you. Some spouses want to try “having space” before they pursue a separation.  And sometimes, this pause is all it takes to eventually put things right again.  Other times, they either want the space while separating or they try taking the space during an actual trial separation.  However they do this, though, many are insisting that they still love you the entire time.

Needless to say, many wives are overwhelmed and extremely confused by the conflicting information that they are receiving.  They wonder how a husband can still very obviously love his wife, but still want space from her, or worse, to separate from her.  She might explain: ” I am still reeling from my husband sitting me down and telling me that we ‘need a break.’  I know that our marriage wasn’t great.  I knew that my husband was unhappy and losing patience.  But I never expected for him to actually want completely separate space from me.  He says that right now, he just wants the flexibility to go out with his friends, to live more independently, and to move into the spare bedroom.  But when I pressed him for more information, he admitted that this might one day morph into a real trial separation depending on ‘how it goes,’ as he put it.  When he told me this, I started to cry and said that he doesn’t love me.  He immediately insisted that he does love me.  He says that I know that he loves me very much, but that he just needs to do this for himself.  If I’m being honest, I do know that he loves me.  He always does things to show me how much and I see the love when he looks at me.  But, if you love someone, why would you need some space from them?”

Sometimes, A Self-Crisis Predates A Request For Space, Which Has Nothing To Do With Love: I will try to explain this as best as I can.  I admit that I am not very objective because I went through this myself when my husband sought “space” from me. But I can tell you what he told me and what is echoed by some of the people I hear from.  The whole “it’s not you, it’s me” sentiment is true in this case.  These husbands are often going through a challenging time in their lives.  And that can be hard for wives to understand because there may not be any catastrophic event that is evident.

For the record, women and wives go through this, too.  I actually got some wonderful insight on this one night when I was having dinner with a good friend.  Her last child was leaving for college and frankly, it had caused a sort of identity crisis in her.  She was clearly struggling.  I tried to cheer her up by telling her that now she and her husband could have “their time,” with no children to monopolize them.  She then told me she was almost considering taking space from her marriage, not because she didn’t love her husband, but because she needed to find herself and listen to her own voice.  I actually understood this perfectly and a light bulb clicked on for me.  Because that is exactly the type of thing that you hear from men and husbands.

The thing is, they DO still love their wives.  But wives often think that they are just claiming love to soften the blow, when perhaps this isn’t true.  I can tell you that I believe that many of them are telling you the truth.  The love is still there, but something inside of them is changing or struggling and they want some objectivity to try to work that out.  They think that their “space” will help with this objectivity.

How To Handle It:  Boy, do I know that it is tempting to try and talk him out of taking this space.  But you might find that the more that you try to talk him out of it, the more he wants it.  I fully know how hard it is to be calm at a time like this.  But frankly, that is usually the best thing to do. It is best if you can make progress at home so that he never does actually move out.  (Because often, once he does, things become a little more challenging)  Try to be aware of giving him more independence and alone time, while allowing him to come to you.

In the meantime, do your own self-exploration and self-work.  I know that this extra time doesn’t seem like much of a luxury right now, but I can not stress enough how much two healthy, well-adjusted adults are needed to make one healthy marriage.  Anything that you can do to improve yourself, your relationship skills, or even to just soothe your mental health during this challenging time is worth doing. Make self-care a top priority.  You deserve it.

I can tell you that very often, when a wife takes her own inventory and shows her husband that she respects herself enough to care for her own needs and wishes during this time, he will respect her more and sometimes initiate more contact.  This is better than the wife being the one who is clingy while she feels her husband slipping further and further away.

Back to the original point though, it is my belief and experience, that yes, a husband can still love his wife very much while still seeking space.  But, considering his struggles or stressors at the time, he feels that love just doesn’t seem to be quite enough in those circumstances.  This doesn’t mean that once he has his space and gains some perspective (and you work through some things,) that it will not one day be enough.

I knew deep down that my husband loved me, even as he separated from me.  But he was also clear on the fact that his love for me was not completely making him happy.  So we had to work through some issues and reestablish our marriage before we could even think of reconciling.  There were times when I was sure that we wouldn’t make it (or that he didn’t want for us to make it.)  But in the end, I backed off some, and, as a result, we made it through.  You can read more about our reconciliation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When your spouse starts talking about a trial separation, it is perfectly natural, (and understandable,) to want as many details as you can possibly get.  After all, it is pretty obvious that your life is going to change dramatically.  Because of that, you want specific details, so that you can prepare yourself and your kids if you have them.  It’s not unreasonable to want to know what your life is going to look like while you are separated.

However, not all husbands are willingly transparent with this information.  In fact, not only are some evasive, but they become angry or short with their wives when they are asked.  A wife might say: “about two months ago, my husband announced that he wanted a trial separation.  But he did not do anything about it right away. It was obvious that he was still unhappy, but I did not know much about his motivations because he didn’t really do or say anything.  Well, last week, he announced that he has gotten an apartment and will be moving out in a couple of days.  Of course, this made me panic.  I don’t have a mental picture as to how this is going to work.  How often will I talk to him? Or see him?  Will he still mow the grass?  Pay the bills?  Am I still supposed to show him affection?  Are we meant to tell our family and friends about this?  I honestly have a million and one questions. But when I try to ask him any of them, he gets frustrated with me.  He says that there is no such thing as a ‘separation user’s manual,’ and that we will just have to make it up as we go along.  I don’t think that this is acceptable.  Our marriage is not something that you can simply navigate as you go along.  I don’t understand why he would be unwilling to clarify things for me.  Why does he get so angry when I question him?  And what can I do to get answers?”

Why Separated Men Aren’t Forthcoming With Specifics: First of all, I will tell you my theories as to why men don’t always wish to discuss specifics going into the separation.  Of course, this is just one person’s theory.  I base it on the behavior of my own husband during my separation, from the dialog I get from others, and from correspondence I get.

I believe that many men seek a separation in order to get some “space” and some relief from their perceived pressures and dramas at home.  So in their minds, when you ask these clarifying questions, you want to nail them down so that you can hold them to something.  But as someone who wants a little space, these demands can feel to them as if you are trying to tie them down at a time when that is the last thing that they want.

By no means am I saying that their perception is correct.  I am merely saying that this is how they see things – particularly early on.  Often, as time passes, they become more open to discussion.  But in the early days, everyone is a little overwhelmed and not sure how things are going to unfold.

Getting Your Information While Not Pressuring A Reluctant Husband: From my own experience, I know that none of this is going to make you feel any better.  I didn’t like this situation one bit when I went through it.  But I also found that the more I tried to pin my husband down, the more he pulled away and didn’t want ANY contact.

So sometimes, you have to be somewhat strategic about this and you have to take baby steps.  You might ask for small clarifications at first and then ease forward as you can.  That might look something like this: “I hear that you want to take things as they come, but I’d like it if we could agree to a few basics beforehand. Can we agree to meet for dinner and discuss this more next Friday?  Can you lay out how am I supposed to proceed with some basic finances?  I don’t want to be late on any payments.  I understand that you may be only telling me enough to get us started, but I think it’s important that a few things are clear.”

When I began to make progress with my own separation, I did so by taking it one step at a time.  My goal was always to make the most of the interaction at the time and then set up the next interaction.  By asking to have dinner next Friday, you are giving him some space, but you are also not leaving things completely open-ended.  There is a risk in letting a lot of time go by without communicating.  So, even if we’re only talking about quick phone calls or having coffee, having these encounters can help you to create a foundation.

When you are able to talk or meet, try to keep things enjoyable.  Yes, you want to try to get a little more information.  But don’t push too much.  This is what I mean by baby steps.  Sometimes, you have to settle for small amounts of information UNTIL you meet the next time.  In this way, you are sort of ensuring future meetings AND you are moving at the slow pace that your husband seems to require right now.

Believe me, I know that it’s frustrating.  But I found that, in my own case, and many cases that I’ve followed, your pushing him for more information and your peppering him with more questions will often make him retreat even more.  So sometimes, your strategy has to be to take what you can, to regroup, and to come back at him later – in a light-hearted way.  At least this is what had to happen for me.  Ultimately, my husband relaxed his stance in time and we were able to make progress.  Once that happened, I was very grateful that I went for a gradual pace rather than pushing. You can read more about that gradual process at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Most of the folks who reach out to me are reluctantly-separated spouses. By this I mean that the ones who reach out are usually not the ones who pursued or wanted the separation in the first place. They are typically the spouse who desperately wants to save their marriage and who are trying to formulate the best strategy and attitude in order to make that happen.

Occasionally though, I hear from those who initiated the separation and who are now having second thoughts about it. Many of them have started to miss their spouse, are tempted to pursue a reconciliation, but also have some doubts about their motivations or about the authenticity of their feelings. Here is what I mean. A separated wife might say: “I am the one who pursued the separation because quite frankly, I was not happy with my marriage. I feel that my husband takes me for granted and hasn’t been contributing as much as he should to our marriage. For the past three years or so, he hasn’t made me feel special or particularly loved. He’s never cheated on me. He has always been a good provider and husband, but I’ve felt that something has been missing. So I asked him to move out. Much to my surprise, after a couple of months of living separately, I started to miss him. Despite his faults, he has always been my rock and not having that steady presence with me is something that I miss. Plus I am lonely. There is no denying it. I had to take my car to the shop alone and it made me realize how nice it was to have a husband to handle those types of things for me. At my kids’ soccer game, I felt guilty that their father wasn’t there. All of these things have started to make me somewhat open to a reconciliation. But I worry that I am motivated by the wrong reasons. My husband says that he will change. But how do I know that this is true? I worry that this is just my loneliness talking and also my vulnerability. How do I know that I want to go back for the right reasons?”

Changes In Perception Are Very Common During Marital Separations: I want you to notice something that I think is important. Nowhere above did you mention finances. So none of your motivations seem to be financially-motivated, which says something (because financial motivations for reconciling are extremely common.) To the contrary, your motivations seem to be based on the desire for stability and also on your emotions. You wanted to feel more deeply-cared for by your husband. It wasn’t as if he were a bad husband or was cruel. It was just a void.

But now that you have a real void – where he isn’t there at all, your perspective has changed somewhat. And I suspect that this perspective might have made you open to the idea that although his taking you for granted was upsetting, it is possible that you are guilty of the same, (evidenced by the car service incident. ) The truth is, we all take our spouse for granted some of the time. It isn’t until we don’t have constant or easy access to them that we realize this.

Evaluating The Validity Of Your Feelings: You might be experiencing nothing more than a change of perspective. And I’m not sure that, right this second, there is any real way to test the validity of your emotions. I think that the best thing that you can do is to not make any rash decisions and to give it a little more time. If time passes and you still miss your husband, then you can have more confidence in the validity of your feelings.

Another thing that you might want to do to gain some confidence is to watch your husband’s behavior. Is he showing signs of appreciating you more or of taking your marriage more seriously? Does he seem like a man who is sincere and who is going to make good on his promises? Has he done what you have asked him to do or what he claimed that he was going to do?

Asking yourself these types of questions can be a good way to “test the waters” so to speak as far as your emotions and your relationship is concerned.

The Presence Of Doubts Can Be Telling: I’d like to make one additional point. I often hear from people who are extremely sure about the separation. They truly have walked away from their marriages and are pretty much at peace with this decision. In no capacity do they miss or long for their spouse. And even when their children do miss their parent, these spouses don’t feel a huge amount of guilt about this because they feel in their heart that, in the long run, the separation is best for the family.

My point is that if you don’t feel this way, that might be a good indicator that you also have some valid doubts about the separation. This doesn’t mean that you have to reconcile tomorrow, but it may make you feel a little better about those feelings that you are having.

The good news is that you don’t have to make an immediate decision. You can continue to monitor your feelings while watching your husband’s behavior.

I think that everyone has doubts when a reconciliation first enters their mind.  There is always the fear of failure and of rejection.  It is just human nature.  I’m glad I went ahead anyway because it means that I am still married today.  But everyone is different.   You can read more about the process that took me from separated to reconciled at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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