Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who want to believe in their hearts that there is still a chance for their separated marriage.  However, their husband isn’t nearly as optimistic and he will sometimes try to convince the wife that she should just accept that there may not be a reconciliation.  Often, the wife finds this hurtful and doesn’t understand why he is concerning himself with what she is feeling or what she wants.

She might say: “my husband and I have been separated for over six months. We are in counseling.  Although I believe that we have made a little bit of progress, my husband feels that we are just wasting our time. He hasn’t filed for divorce yet, but he is giving me the vibe that he is seriously considering it.  The other day, when we left counseling, I replied that I thought that things went pretty well during that session.  My husband just sighed and asked when was I going to accept that it was over. I sort of got what he was alluding to, but I played dumb and asked him what he meant because I really wanted him to elaborate. He basically said that we’ve been wasting money on all of this counseling, but he doesn’t see that things have gotten any better. He said that he feels like the time has come that we just accept that our marriage is probably over.  I told him immediately that I disagreed with this. I told him that I felt that we had made some progress and that if we kept up with the counseling, we could eventually get to a much better place and perhaps even reconcile.  The thing is, my husband doesn’t always do the assignments that the counselor gives us, although I do.  My husband blurted out that our marriage was virtually over and that he did not get why I don’t just save myself some pain and simply accept this.  I didn’t say it, but I was thinking that he can’t control what I accept or don’t accept.  Then I asked him if he would commit to just a month more of counseling.  He said that he would, but that he felt that we were really wasting our money and time. His attitude told me that he is probably just going to sit through counseling with a sour look on his face and not contribute anything.  Now I’m starting to wonder if I should just accept it, even though I do feel in my heart that our marriage is salvageable.”

Sometimes, It Pays To Not “Accept It:” This is only my biased opinion, but I was in a very similar situation in that my husband was ready to bail on our marriage when we were separated, but I was still invested.  He wanted me to stop hanging on so tightly and of course this only made me cling more.  My clinging seemed to make things worse, so I gave off the appearance that I was backing off.  I went out of town for a while to ensure that I could not bug my husband. And then a strange thing happened.  Eventually, he started contacting me and reaching out to me. It was a bit of a long process.  But we did eventually reconcile.  If I had just agreed to “give up” or to “accept it” or to “let go” then I probably would not be married today.

Waiting Does Not Mean Wilting Or Being Passive: I need to mention what I think is a very important distinction.  I believe that it’s vital to live your life, work on any issues over which you have control, and to make yourself a priority while you are waiting. You don’t want to completely leave yourself just treading water while you are waiting for someone to change his mind. If you put your life on hold, you will not only wilt on the vine, but you may look less attractive to your husband.  I am sure the mental image of me alone in my sweats pouting at home in front of binge TV was not an alluring one for my husband.  But I know that the image of me visiting loved ones and staying busy nudged him forward a little.

In the meantime, you can work on yourself, get individual counseling, and get support from family and friends. You can also do what is in your power to improve your marriage.  No, you can’t force him to take any action.  But honestly, changes that one person makes can make a difference.  This way, when and if your husband does come around, you will be a healthier and improved version of yourself and this will make your reconciliation more likely to work.

But I’m going to be brutally honest and disclose that I don’t think that anyone (other than yourself) can tell you that you need to give up or to accept that it is over. I’m very stubborn and this isn’t always my best trait.  I had friends tell me that I was crazy to hold on.  But I did. Because what was the harm in it?  That I would be disappointed? I already was.  That I wouldn’t meet another man? I was in no emotional shape for that. Certainly, some separated marriages end in divorce, regardless of how much hope the couple once had.  And yet, other times, marriages that looked hopeless survive.  Even couples who divorce sometimes get remarried.  You just never know.  As long as “having hope” isn’t hurting your mental health or causing you to put your own life on hold, I honestly do not see the harm, but I am definitely biased and I am not a mental health counselor.  I’d encourage you to keep seeing yours and to always ask yourself if not accepting it is hurting you in any way.  I honestly always felt that accepting it would be more painful, but I did eventually continue to live my life so that I wasn’t giving much up by waiting.

You can read more at how I very stubbornly hung onto my marriage when my husband wanted to throw it away on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I sometimes hear from people who are considering a trial separation.  Sometimes, one spouse wants to separation much more than the other.  And the spouse who is reluctant about the separation wants to make it as short as is possible.  People seem to intuitively know that the longer a separation lasts, the less the chance of a reconciliation (I will talk about these statistics a bit later.)  However, at the same time, you want to give the separation a fair chance to work so that you will not end up divorced because you decided to rush a reconciliation.

So someone might ask: “what is the ideal duration of a trial separation?  My husband wants one.  I do not.  However, he is very insistent about this.  We have children and I do not want them to be without their father for a long period of time, so I suggested evaluating at the end of a month’s time to see if a reconciliation could be worked out.   I honestly felt that I was compromising and being accommodating. However, my husband said that he did not think that one month was long enough for any real changes to take place.  He wants to just leave things up in the air and just evaluate our progress as we go along.  This scares me.  My fear is that the separation will just linger on and on so that we will eventually end up with a divorce on our hands.  What is the ideal duration for a separation?  How long do most trial separations last?”

To answer this question as best as I could, I did a little research.  I found a clinical study out of Ohio State University which reported that most of the participants in their study had separations that lasted a year or less.  And just like you suspected, the longer that the separation lasted, the higher the chance for a divorce. Most couples who reconciled had their separation last for less than two years.  The couples who were separated the longest were the most likely to divorce. Very few couples who were separated for up to three years reconciled.  There were actually a few separations that lasted more than 10 years.  These couples had personal reasons not to divorce and so they just agreed to a very long-term or permanent separation.   This is probably not going to be ideal for most people, especially for those who are motivated to maintain their families and save their marriage.

One of the problems with long term separations is that there is a real danger of the couple becoming disconnected from one another while living apart.  In other words, if you are not running a household and raising children together, you are probably not communicating as much, which can be problematic because you can drift apart rather than coming together and eventually reconciling.

That is why many experts will recommend counseling BEFORE one partner moves out or at the very least during it.  That way, you are forced to communicate regularly during the separation and your counselor will probably help you to decide when it’s appropriate to attempt a reconciliation in order to help you avoid a separation which goes on for far too long.  I know that some husbands (and even wives) are resistant to counseling and in that case, you can at least agree to meet regularly to discuss things.  You could even get some self help resources to give you a guide map or sorts on what you can work on.

The statistics bear out my suspicions and most people’s intuition – the longer a separation lingers, the harder it can be to reconcile. That’s not to say that there aren’t some couples around who managed to reconcile with a long separation.  There are.  There are also couples who divorced and later remarried.  But I agree with you that the ideal separation duration is long enough to make meaningful change (or for a counselor to decide that enough change has taken place for your reconciliation to be successful) but certainly not so long that you have drifted apart and become like strangers.  I understand that your husband wants to “wait and see” as many do.  But I’d strongly urge you to suggest that you either seek regular counseling or meet regularly to work on the relationship so that you don’t turn around one day and realize that it’s been way too long since you had a meaningful conversation with your spouse and you don’t know what’s going on with him anymore.  This can happen very easily and it’s not good for your chances to reconcile.

From my own personal experience, the worst thing you can do is to just hope that it will be obvious when the separation should end and then just hope that things unfold from there.  That will often mean a separation that lingers on and, as a result, an eventual divorce.  My separation lasted for much longer than I wanted, but thankfully, it did not approach anything close to that two year time period that seems to be so dangerous for divorce.  The duration was partially my fault because early on I panicked, made a pest of myself, and as a result my husband avoided me. If I had understood basic human nature, I would have played the game much better and I believe that we would have reconciled sooner. You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I hear from a lot of people who are trying to get their marriage back on track.  Many of them are dealing with a spouse who is very resistant.  However sometimes, they are their own worst enemy.  I know this because I was my own worst enemy when what I wanted more than anything in the world was to have my marriage back.  Yet, most of my behaviors were obstacles to a reconciliation.  To be fair, my spouse contributed many behaviors which were also obstacles, but I quickly learned that the only person who I had control over was myself.   This article is going to focus on common obstacles that I see which keeps separated couples from reconciling.  Hopefully, if any of these seem familiar to you, then you’ll be motivated to address them rather than lamenting how unfair they are, which is what I did for far too long.

Not Seeing Yourself As Any Part Of The Problem:  My husband was the one who wanted a separation, so in my own mind, I thought that he was going to have to be the one who made the ultimate decision to come back.  Because so much of the outcome depended on his mindset, I will admit that there were times when I felt helpless.  When I was thinking this way, nothing changed and my marriage did not move forward.  I learned that if you wait for your spouse to make all the moves, you will potentially be waiting for a long time.  Even when it feels like you are waiting on your spouse to make up his or her mind, there is PLENTY that you can do in the meantime.  You can ask yourself what you might have done to contribute to issues with your marriage and you can work on yourself to erase those issues. Now, I know what you are thinking because I had the same thought.  You are probably thinking: “but my spouse won’t even know that I’m working on myself because he’s not interested in what I’m doing right now so he won’t even know and I’ll be wasting my time.”  His lack of knowledge may be true, but you are not wasting your time when you work on yourself.  A reconciliation has a much higher chance of success if two healthy people who have worked on their issues are attempting it.  While it’s true that you can’t necessarily force your own spouse to do the work, he may be inspired to do so when he sees the progress that you are making.  Even if he doesn’t, in my experience you can never go wrong taking time for yourself and your own improvement.

No One Is Willing To Bend Or Attempt Change: Often both spouses sort of wait for the other to apologize or to bend.  The mindset really should be to meet in the middle.  Sure, you could strong arm or win your spouse over initially without really giving anything in return.  But that’s very short sighted.  Because although you might think that you’ve won in the beginning, you may find that in the long term your spouse is resentful or still unhappy because no real change has taken place.  Ideally, each person really does need to meet their responsibility for making vast improvements to the marriage and also to contribute to its maintenance.  It requires care and attention to not only save your marriage, but to keep it continually healthy even after the reconciliation.  Ideally, both people are willing to do this – and not just the spouse who is perceived to be most to blame or who wanted to separation to begin with.  The very best marriages have a team mentally.  The people in these marriages don’t necessarily see themselves as individuals with their own agendas and egos.  They see themselves as part of a greater cause or as a communal team that is family.

Caring Too Much About What Other People Think Or Taking The Wrong Advice:  I will admit that when I was first separated, I depended on a certain core of friends very heavily.  I did not like to be alone.  These friends understandably were angry with my husband because he initiated the separation.  So when things would go well for us, they wouldn’t necessarily be happy about it.  This would cause me to second guess myself or to second guess my husband’s motivations.  Or, I’d get nervous that things were going to fall apart, just as my friends had predicted. It took me far too long to realize that this was MY marriage and that the only people who matter in the outcome of OUR marriage was my husband and myself.  Yes, my friends love me and want what is best for me.  But they do not live in my marriage.  Incidentally, now that my husband and I are happy, he is in their good graces again. But had I listened to many of them during my separation, I would have started seeing other people and I would not be married today.  Listen to what YOU think and what YOU want.  It is your marriage.  Your friends can give opinions, but their opinions should not hold the same weight as your own thoughts about your own marriage.

An Inability To Allow The Past To Stay There:  Some of the same friends that I mentioned above will still sometimes ask if I’m still hurt by my husband initiating a separation.  I suppose that I would be if I wanted to dwell in the past. But ruminating on past pain only hurts your future.  I have seen so many reconciliations fail because one or both of the spouses were ultimately not willing to let go of the past.  You have to ask yourself what is most important – hanging on to your indignance (which can’t keep you warm at night) or hanging onto your marriage. Honestly, it’s sometimes easier to be angry.  But in the long term, it does not get you any closer to what you ultimately want.  Always keep your eye on the end goal.  From past experience, it is easier to focus on pain, anger, and the injustice of it all.  But these things don’t get your back your marriage – honestly, change, and meeting in the middle do.

I hope I’m not coming off as a know-it-all, but these lessons were learned the hard way.  And I’d like to help others avoid making the same mistakes.  I did save my marriage.  But I made many mistakes that contributed to my separation and made it last for longer than it should have.  Had I known these things earlier, I would have saved myself a lot of pain. You’re welcome to read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There are certain behaviors that wives start to notice when they suspect that their husband has begun to check out of their marriage. One example is when he is no longer interested in making sure that the home runs smoothly. Perhaps he used to take an interest in household maintenance (even if he wasn’t necessarily a handyman) because he cared about his family’s safety and wellbeing. But as he seems to be losing interest in his marriage, his interest in helping out around the house seems to be waning as well.  Because this can appear to be a pretty drastic change in his behavior, the wife can’t help but wonder if it is anything to be concerned about. Sometimes she will ask him about it and he will downplay his behavior or accuse her or seeing a problem where none actually exists.

Here is an example. A wife might notice that the husband who used to take pride in his yard and the exterior of his home now seems to care less. The wife wonders if this sudden disinterest reflects on his feelings about her, the marriage, and his family. She might say: “for all of our marriage, my husband and I had an agreement that I would take care of the inside of the house and he would take care of the outside. We took pride in our home because it is where our kids grew up.  Our home often got awarded “yard of the month” in our neighborhood. We were happy and although no one wants to spend their hard-earned weekends cleaning or doing maintenance, we tried to get it out of the way as soon as possible so that we could enjoy the rest of our time together. But we did take pride in our home and made it a priority. Lately, though, my husband has stopped doing his part. The paint on our home is peeling. He hired a teenage kid to do the yard, but the kid does the minimum that he can get away with so now there are weeds. The thing is, it’s not that my husband physically can not do the work. He goes and works out and exercises. It is also not that he doesn’t have time. He just seems to have lost interest in our home and his part in it. Also, some of the stairs on the porch have become wobbly. But when I mention this to him, he says that it’s just normal wear and tear and I should not worry. If I had mentioned this five years ago, he would have taken care of it because he wanted me to be safe and happy. Now, he acts as if he doesn’t care about our safety or take pride in our home anymore. This is one example that I can give, but I notice that he generally just does not appear to be invested in things having to do with our family and marriage. For example, we used to always have an annual Christmas party for our family and friends, but now he’s not interested in that anymore. My sister says that I am just wanting to knick pick about things, but I’m not sure that this is true. Things just feel a bit off and different. Am I wrong to be concerned about this?”

It’s Not About The Chores.  It’s About The Distance: I don’t think that you are wrong. Often, it’s not necessarily about the household chores or the specific behaviors, it’s just about the feeling or vibe you get when you see him distancing himself from you and the care of the family/household. I know exactly what you mean. Before my husband actually moved out, he acted much differently toward me or things related to me. He no longer wanted to discuss long-term things like vacations or money matters. He stopped doing long-term maintenance type of things. And I believe that this is because he was no longer looking at the long-term in our marriage because he was thinking about separating and he did not know how things were going to turn out between us.

With that said, I know many couples who happily hire out their household chores. They can afford to do this and would rather spend their spare time doing other things. They are happily married and it’s just not an issue. The difference, though, is that this is how they mutually chose to approach it. The behavior did not change. Since your husband, like mine, used to be invested in these things and began to change, then I would potentially be concerned about that. To be fair, people do change their preferences over time. My husband now takes our cars for an oil change rather than doing it himself because he figured out that he really wasn’t saving much money by doing it himself. However, he takes them regularly to be serviced to ensure our safety, so I am not concerned.

If He’s Not Interested In The Home, Is He Not Interested In You Or The Marriage?: I believe that the real issue is whether you feel that his lack of interest in the household is correlated to a lack of interest in your marriage, your well-being, and your safety. If this is the case, then yes, I think it’s cause for concern. Anytime a husband begins to check out, I get concerned just because I have some baggage from my own separation.  I saw the same types of behaviors and I just tried to ignore them, with disastrous results.  Perhaps you can’t force him to do household things again if he is happy hiring it out, but I don’t think it would hurt to try to look hard at your marriage and determine if there is any way that you could improve it or restore the intimacy. Because if you can do that, you might see his interest in the house increase again. Ask yourself if there are any concrete marital issues that you can address. In my opinion, a husband who is invested in his marriage wants to ensure his wife’s and family’s safety. There are certainly caring and loving husbands who hire these tasks out. There is nothing wrong with that. The important factor is the concern that the work is done, and done right. If it seems that your husband doesn’t care if the work is done or not, this might indicate that his level of investment is waning, but you would be in a better position to evaluate this than I am.

I would strongly suggest addressing your concerns as soon as you have them.  It is much better to be safe than sorry.  As I mentioned, I tried to ignore our problems in the hopes that they would go away.  This was a huge mistake.  I ended up separated instead.  I finally saved my marriage after many mistakes.  But it would have been easier to never separate in the first place. You’re welcome to read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who know that they are at a crossroads in their marriages. They are well aware that neither themselves nor their spouse is happy. They look around and they perceive that their marriage is “less than” that of friends, family members, or associates. So they start to wonder what they should do about this. Many believe that they really have only a few choices, such as staying but remaining unhappy, or separating /divorcing.

Someone might ask: “how do you know when you should stay or go in your marriage? How do you know what is right for you personally in terms of living your best life? My husband and I are unhappy. There is no cliche affair or bankruptcy or anything like that. We have just grown apart. I feel like we are not the same people that we were when we got married.  It seems that the new people in our marriage do not get along as well. There is tension in our home, but we try to be cordial to one another. So far, I don’t think that this is negatively affecting our kids. However, I feel that I deserve to be happy. That said, I’m scared of being alone. I worry that I will be more unhappy on my own and then I would have broken up my family. How do you decide whether it’s ultimately in your best interest to stay or go?”

Determining If Your Husband Or Marriage Are Truly Intolerable. Could You Regret It Later?: That is a tricky question. I was separated for a while. However, it was my husband’s decision. I think that many people ultimately go because either they think that the situation at home is intolerable or they are certain that they will be happier alone. Some of those people come to realize that they did not gain happiness by leaving. My husband was one of those people. I have many friends who have broken up marriages and have regretted it later.

I am no expert, but as someone who has gone through a very painful separation myself (and who struggled to pick up the pieces and save my marriage,) here is my take on it: Obviously, if you are in a marriage where you are being psychologically or physically hurt, then it is sometimes better to leave. At the very least, see a counselor who can give you an objective opinion. Marriage should not be detrimental to your safety or wellbeing. That said, many times, this is not the case. It is simply a matter of being dissatisfied with the direction of your marriage. You believe that you or your spouse have changed and don’t share an intimacy anymore. It’s not that either spouse is a bad person, it’s just that the marriage has taken an unfortunate turn.

Consider Earning Your Way Out First: Because there is a big risk of being just as unhappy alone and then dealing with the fact that you let go of a perfectly good spouse, my take on it has always been to at least allow yourself to make an attempt to fix things before you just walk away. That way, if you try and are unsuccessful, then you can walk away without shame and uncertainty. You can look your children in the eye and honestly tell them that you did everything that you could to save your marriage.

I know that it is easy to get impatient and to feel like nothing is ever going to change. But once my husband and I both saw that there was no additional happiness to be had by separating and we got serious about saving our marriage, well, things DID change. Eventually, the intimacy returned and a sense of happiness and excitement was present in our marriage again. We had to fight for it. There were painful and awkward times. Parts of it were certainly not fun. But guess what? The separation wasn’t fun, either. In fact, the separation was more intolerable than the marriage ever was.

From my experience and observations, many people believe that they’ve changed or fallen out of love when really, they have changed their priorities and, because of the crazy, busy world in which most of us live, they’ve neglected the upkeep of their marriage.  Unfortunately, they assumed that their history together and the love between them would insulate them from trouble. This is not always the case. I have learned that you have to fiercely guard your marriage. This is not always convenient, but it offers huge rewards and a peace that is well worth the effort.

I am certain that I would have been no happier with a new relationship without history or depth than I would have been in my struggling marriage. I would have brought my unresolved baggage with me. I would have known in my heart that I didn’t fight for what was important. Since my husband was a good man with whom I’d just grown apart, it made sense to invest in him and in our marriage rather than just rolling the dice with unknown and unproven relationships. Sure, saving our marriage may not have worked out. And if it didn’t, well, there is always time to eventually start up new relationships. But I wanted to make sure that I actually had to before I did that.

And I’m very glad that we ultimately decided to dig in and resurrect what we had. We got back the intimacy, connectedness, and happiness and we didn’t have to forfeit our history and commitment. I know that this isn’t possible for every couple, but I feel that it is worth it to give it your best try before walking away.  You’re welcome to read about how I finally was able to resurrect my marriage before I allowed my husband to walk away for good at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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There seems to be a perception in some people that for many marriages, it is one catastrophic event that ends things. People assume that it is things like adultery, a job loss, or money struggles that doom your marriage. While these things do sometimes happen, it is just as common for a marriage to break down a little over time until it finally just crumbles. In fact, many of the people who reach out to me admit that they knew that their marriage was deteriorating over time, but they hoped that it would blow over. In my experience and observation, this breaking down and deteriorating is actually more common than the abrupt divorce that left no warning. Knowing this, the following article will list some of the common signs of a marriage that is breaking down. The hope is that if you recognize your own marriage in any of these scenarios, you will try to change course before things deteriorate even further. I know from experience that it can be easy to just hope or assume that things will normalize on their own. However, sometimes they get worse. I ended up separated because I didn’t take action. This process was very painful, so it’s always better to avoid that if you can.

The Investment Does Not Feel As Deep. You Have Little Idea About What Is Going On With Your Spouse’s Life And Feelings: Let me get this out of the way. When you have married for a while, it’s normal to not be in your spouse’s business 24/7. After all, most of us have jobs and responsibilities. Some of us have kids or parents that we care for. It’s normal to not be connected at the hip in the way that you were when you were first dating. But if you look around and realize that you’re sharing your concerns and deepest issues with your friends and not your spouse or vice verse, then this can be a problem. Another example is when sometimes something comes out of your spouse’s mouth and you are shocked – having no idea that he had this issue or this reaction. I remember that at the start of my husband and I going through a very rocky period (and eventual separation) we were watching a movie together. We had completely different but strong reactions to the movie and the characters in it. At that point, I remembered thinking that it felt as if I didn’t know my spouse very much anymore. I definitely should have been more concerned about this than I was. Anytime you feel that disconnect and prefer other people’s company to your spouse, that’s a reason for concern.

The Same Issues Come Up Over And Over With More Frustration Behind Them: When you are deeply connected with your spouse and the two of you are emotionally invested in one another, issues are easier to solve. It’s easier to see the best of your spouse and of the situation. So conflict is typically easily solved. On the flip side, when you are not deeply connected with your spouse, things which would not typically bother you are now major issues. They come up over and over again because they never really get solved. And as they come up, the resentment and anger toward them festers because again, you’re not connected enough to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.

The Physical Side Of Your Relationship Is Luke Warm At Best: It’s normal for the passionate side of your relationship to wane somewhat in time. However, you should be able to pick it back up when you can swing it and have it feel like the passion and the attraction are still there. If you feel distaste or a general and reoccurring lack of interest, that’s a problem. If you have no interest in making time for that type of connection, you really should pay attention. Honestly, sex does not make a marriage. The emotional connection and the sharing of your lives make the marriage. But sex can be a symptom of a marriage that isn’t working correctly. And it is also a very effective way to regularly feel close to and connect with your spouse. It’s really no wonder that people who are having an affair are sometimes fooled into thinking that they are in love with the other person even when the relationship is very new and has never been tested. The sexual component can be an important part of the relationship at times and can make the people in it feel very connected or “in love.”

When You Try To Address The Issues, You Feel Misunderstood: Often, people wait a bit too long to address these issues. I know that I did. So when you finally get around to trying to fix things, you might find that your spouse isn’t receptive, is defensive, or generally seems uninterested. This too will tell you that the connection isn’t there.

However, in my experience, it is rarely too late to get back on track if you are willing to notice what is wrong, have the patience to address it, and the ability to work hard. You may find that initially, your spouse doesn’t do much to help you. That’s okay. There are some initial changes that you can make for yourself that can have a very positive effect on your marriage eventually. Sometimes, when your spouse sees that change is possible, he becomes more willing to participate. Sometimes, you have to take small steps without trying to tackle everything all at once. But, if you see any of these signs or just feel deep in your heart that your marriage is breaking down, learn from my mistakes and don’t wait. Don’t just hope that everything will fix itself. The sooner you take action, the better.  If it helps, you can read more about how I got my marriage back on track here.  But it’s better to fix your marriage BEFORE it gets off track in the first place.

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Many people intuitively know that it’s best to attempt to agree about several upcoming aspects of a martial or trial separation. However, knowing and doing are two different things. You can know that it’s optimal to set guidelines or boundaries and still be unsure about how to broach this topic or which boundaries are most important.

For example, someone might say: “my husband is moving out because he insists on a separation. Many of my friends who have separated say that I should try to pin my husband down on his boundaries because if I just leave everything to chance, I might never regularly talk to my husband. They say that life will be easier if we agree on the basics. This sounds good in theory, but I’m not sure what types of things we are supposed to agree on or what to set boundaries for. I worry that setting boundaries like this is actually going to hurt me because it’s going to allow for my husband to limit things.”

I understand the concern. I had the same types of concerns. I did not have the “boundaries” talk, which ultimately ended up hurting me and, I believe, making my separation last longer than it should have. My husband kept suggesting that we “just wait and see” how things went and I reluctantly agreed to this. But what that ended up meaning was that I was just waiting for an awfully long time. I got tired of waiting, so I would take the initiative and try to call or text my husband. At first, he was patient with this. But eventually he started to avoid me. I believe that if we’d set out the contact expectations beforehand, perhaps all of this could have been avoided. We did eventually reconcile, but not without a lot of hurt feelings and misunderstandings first. And frankly, I was the one who took the initiative. I am not sure that my husband would have, at least at that time.

Deciding On Which Boundaries Are Most Important: As far as what sort of boundaries should be set, that is going to depend upon the couple and on the circumstances around the separation. Couples who have children should make the details about their care and well-being the top priority. Who gets the children at what time? How will the spouse who moves out regularly communicate with them? There are other issues like who will take care of tasks like paying the bills or mowing the lawn? How often will you talk to one another and by what method? How would you like to handle it if something unexpected comes up? Some couples just set up a regular time to get together and to talk about household / marital things – like Friday nights or Sundays after church. Some couples have very specific communication boundaries like they won’t text emotional messages to one another because these texts can be misunderstood. So they’ll agree to only text about administrative things and to then to talk on the phone or meet face to face when they want to discuss the marriage or their feelings. Some spouses will mandate that there are no late night calls or unexpected drop ins.

Other spouses will literally pre-set the time frame of their separation. They will agree that in say, three months, they will discuss if they want to reconcile or divorce. Or some will even say that the separation will only last three months (or whatever time frame works) and then they will reconcile, hopefully ready to get to work to save the marriage. Other couples will agree to counseling at set times.

Looking back on all of this now, I can definitely see the benefit of defining as many variables as you can. I know that it might seem overly regimented at times, but I know from my own separation that sometimes, if you leave this to chance, you may be disappointed when nothing happens or when misunderstandings occur. There’s nothing worse than waiting by the phone to try to decipher how your spouse is doing or what he is feeling. I remember that experience and I remember that it caused me to act in all sorts of desperate ways that pushed my husband further and further away from me.

Perhaps if we had agreed to meet once a week (or at least to talk a few times per week,) things would not have gone downhill so quickly.  If I could go back in time, I would most definitely had pushed for regular counseling or getting together to talk about our marriage. Because, at least in that case, I’d have had the peace of mind of knowing that there would be regular contact. People are sometimes doubtful that their spouse will agree to these terms, but just like any other agreement, it’s about negotiation. Maybe you agree to liberal space if he agrees that you’ll meet regularly. Identify what is most important to you and be prepared to concede what is most important to him in exchange.

But yes, many couples do set boundaries on the issues that are bound to come up during the separation. This helps to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings. And it can also help to ensure that you and your spouse communicate regularly, which is vitally important if you are interested in reconciling. Take it from me, allowing yourself to “just wait and see what happens” is a risky idea. In my sometimes painful experience, it’s best to agree upon as much as you can ahead of time and then be very pleasant and agreeable when carrying it out.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I’ve had people ask me if bird nesting is a good solution for a couple who feels the need to try a marital separation.  These couples are focused on making life easier for their children. To be clear, bird nesting is a situation where the parent who is caring for the child at the time lives in the home. The parents alternate who lives / stays in the home depending upon who is caring for the children.  For example, if the father sees / cares for the children from Friday night to Sunday afternoon, then the mom would stay with friends or in an apartment on those days. And then the mom would return home to care for the children while the father goes somewhere else. This way, the children never have to leave their home and their lives are less disrupted. They get to maintain their school schedule and interact with the same friends. This can also save money because it can mean that the parents can get a smaller apartment (since the kids don’t need beds in the apartment) or can just stay with friends or family.  The parents revolve around the children and the martial home – and not the other way around.

However, although parents can agree that this SOUNDS better for the kids, they can worry about how it is going to work in practice. For example, someone might say: “my husband is determined that we should separate for a little while. He claims that he is open to saving our marriage down the road. But he is also determined to spend time living away from me. His brother has an extra bedroom, so there’s really no need for an apartment. He has suggested the “bird nest” situation. He is very close to the kids and on weekends, he’d like to come here and stay. He said that he is not requesting that I leave when he is here. But I know that for the most part, that’s how it works – the parent not actively spending time with the kids leaves. I could stay with my parents without any problem. But some of my friends say that I am crazy to even consider this. They say that he is the one who wants to separate, so let him actually pay for an apartment and not force me out of my own home. I don’t necessarily feel forced, as I wouldn’t have to leave if I didn’t want to. Can bird nesting work during a trial separation? My hope is that this doesn’t have to become permanent.”

I have known some couples who have done it. In some cases, it went well. In other cases, it did not. I think that what is important is that you have just as much consideration for each other as you do for the children. In cases where it hasn’t worked, there were issues when one or both of the spouses were seeing other people and leaving evidence of it in the shared apartment. This created awkwardness and anger. That’s why I think that it can work in separations that are truly meant to be only temporary because in these cases, there is less of a chance of dating other people. (This living situation can definitely be tricky when one or both of the spouses start dating others.)

However, if there is not going to be another apartment and you are both going to crash with friends or other family members, then this diminishes the risk of the awkward additional apartment. It also gives you an incentive to reconcile, as it’s probably going to get pretty old having to crash on the couches of loved ones. I have heard people say that you have to be careful because an attorney would tell you not to leave your home in case of a divorce. So if it’s feasible that a reconciliation won’t be possible, you may want to consult an attorney before you make a decision. I have no idea if there are any legal ramifications to doing this.

But from a family point of view, I think it shows two parents who are willing to be inconvenienced for the sake of their children. It shows a commitment to remain a family even though you are having difficulties right now. I tend to advocate separating but living in different parts of your home, as this is what I always wanted during my own separation. However, my husband would not agree to this, and I know that this is sometimes the case for others. So in a situation where your husband wants his own physical space for part of the time, I personally think that bird nesting can be a nice alternative if it is done carefully. I’m certainly not a legal or psychological expert and I’d recommend that you consult both. But I think if both people are committed to being respectful and accommodating, it could not only work, but could also provide the kids with the least interruption to their lives as is possible. From a couple standpoint, it could ensure that you are regularly communicating and being respectful to one another, which are both things that could help in a reconciliation down the road.

As I said, my husband and I lived in different places while separated and I firmly believe that this is part of the reason that reconciliation took a while.  Of course, I made many mistakes that contributed to the delay.  But I eventually did a 180 degree turn in terms of strategy and this worked.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Often, there’s a period of time in your marriage where you know that a separation could be just around the corner. During this time period, you and your husband can kind of circle one another. Both parties can feel that one of them is going to make the move to leave. The question is WHO it is going to be. It’s very common for there to be an agreement that while changes need to be made, no one is willing to be the one to initiate that change. One of the biggest examples of this is who is going to move out. Often, no one wants to move because both people are comfortable in the home. Sometimes, one spouse suspects the other of trying to nudge or influence them into moving out.

For example, someone might say, “My husband wants me out of the house.  I honestly think that he is going out of his way to be rude in the hopes that he can get me to move out. We have agreed that we might need to take a break from each other. At least in theory. Our marriage has been struggling lately and it’s just not much fun living together because we fight and there is a lot of tension in the house. So I do agree that something needs to be done. However, I have no intention whatsoever of moving out of my home. I love it here. And I know that my husband does also. I’m sure that he feels the same way that I do – that he doesn’t want to get a new place that he won’t like as much as his home. I think that’s why he’s been so rude to me lately. My husband is not a mean-spirited person. He’s generally kind and laid back. But lately, he says sarcastic things under his breath. He invites friends home that he knows I can’t stand and then makes sure that they are loud and annoying. He doesn’t want to spend any real time with me when we are home together. This is all new behavior, so I suspect that he’s acting this way on purpose in the hopes that I will pack my bags and leave. I worry that he’s going to try to make my life miserable, but I don’t want to leave. He was renting our house when I met him. However, when we got married, we bought the house together. So I can see how he thinks that this was his house for longer than it was mine, but I have been making joint payments on it for years. More than that, though, it’s my home. I also do not want to walk out on my marriage. I’d like to save my marriage, but I’m not sure that it’s possible with the way that he is acting.”

If You Haven’t, Offer Alternatives To Anyone Moving Out. Because Leaving The House Changes Things: This concern is understandable. Many married people don’t want to leave their home for legal reasons, but I’m certainly not an expert in that. I think it’s possible that you’re seeing a change in your spouse’s behavior because he’s frustrated about what is happening. My own husband was pretty darn rude before our separation, but he eventually moved out himself. That time period was very difficult and, frankly, I think that our eventual reconciliation would have been easier if we had remained living together (while giving one another space.) My husband was not agreeable to this, but yours might be – since it appears that no one here is motivated to move out. From a relationship standpoint, I think it is in a wife’s best interest to stay put if at all possible. I know that in some cases, this is not feasible as the situation has become toxic or even dangerous, but that does not seem to be the case here. It simply sounds as if you and your husband are not clicking in the way that you used to, so your husband is starting to think that it would make the most sense to live apart.

If you haven’t yet tried giving your husband space while the two of you still live together, or you haven’t tried counseling, then try these things first. In my own observations, once someone moves out, it’s a bit more difficult to reconcile simply because you no longer have the proximity to one another. Your spouse can avoid you if he wants and then you’re left to make unfortunate and worrisome assumptions, which can only increase the distance and awkwardness between you. That’s not to say that you can’t reconcile after living apart. I did it, but I believe that it was made more difficult by the living arrangements.

Don’t Allow Him To Bait You. Don’t Give Him A Pay Off For Trying To Force You Out: I think that it’s important to be clear on the fact that it is within your control how you react to his behavior. If he’s really annoying you, then maybe go over to a friend’s house for a while, go to dinner with a family member, or even catch up on work in another room. The bottom line is to not play into his behavior or to give him a payoff so that he will keep doing it. If he gets no real reaction out of you, he may just stop. I once had a therapist tell me that the first step she tries when stopping unwanted behavior is to ignore that behavior.  Because people are almost always looking for a payoff.  When they don’t get it, their motivation is lost. This method doesn’t always work, but it costs you nothing to try. Sometimes, people give up when their behavior does not have the desired effect.

Consider A Blunt, Preemptive Conversation: If the behavior still doesn’t stop, you could try addressing your husband directly. You might try: “I can’t help but notice that your behavior toward me has changed. I could be wrong – and correct me if I am – but I get the impression that you’re trying to inspire me to move out. Maybe I can clear the air and tell you that I have no intention of doing that. In fact, I’d prefer it if we could work things out, but it’s obvious that perhaps a break is needed right now. If that’s the case, why don’t we just try to give one another space for a little while? We can both still live here, while not sharing the space so directly. I’ll try to stay out of your hair for a little while if that’s what you want so that you don’t have to keep up with the behavior, which isn’t really like you. That way, neither of us has to be disrespectful or rude to one another and perhaps space will allow things to calm down. I understand that things aren’t great, but we haven’t even tried to work it out. There are many things that could be tried before we make the very drastic and life-altering decision to break up our marriage. And I definitely don’t believe that just throwing up our hands and one of us packing our bags is the right solution. That sounds very premature to me. Why don’t we brainstorm some things to try first?”

Then hear him out. He may tell you that he’s only frustrated and this conversation might help to open the lines of communication. Either way, I feel that when possible, it’s easier to reconcile when you’re in some contact or close proximity to your spouse. Having one person move out of the house runs counter to this, so I think its best to avoid that if you can, so long as living together remains tolerable and healthy.

As I said, my husband and I lived in different places while separated and I firmly believe that this is part of the reason that reconciliation took a while.  Of course, my behavior didn’t help matters either, but I eventually realized that what I was doing wasn’t working so I changed my strategy and then had success.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I often hear from women who are newly separated and who use words like “grieving” and “loss” to describe their current situation. I understand this. Like myself, many of these wives did not want the separation in the first place. And so they DO feel like they have lost something. You go from thinking that you have a secure and happy future with your husband to wondering if you are going to have any future marriage at all. It’s very difficult to not know what tomorrow is going to bring. I know that feeling very well and I grieved also.

Having said that, I do sometimes feel that people tend to see a separation as the same thing as a divorce. In my opinion, this just isn’t true. Some tend to assume that if you become separated, you will be divorced a short time later. I can’t speak for all states or of the legalities of a separation. But I can tell you that I was separated but never divorced and I know many others who are in the same boat.

And yes, I certainly grieved the perceived loss of my marriage and my future. I don’t want to say that this is not a legitimate emotion and fear. People who begin separated DO sometimes end up divorced. Not everyone is going to be able to reconcile. But I think that it can be a mistake to just assume that a divorce is forthcoming when a separation begins. For example, someone might say: “I’ve been separated for four weeks. During that time, I’ve been deeply grieving. I feel like I have lost a great deal of my future. I planned to grow old with my husband. We planned to travel and see the world. Now I feel like I’m going to have the see the world all by myself and this is a very depressing thought. I don’t feel nearly as excited about my future. I feel such a deep sense of loss. And I know that my husband is a good person, so I feel as if I have lost something valuable. Even when we speak, I hold myself back, as if I don’t want to get too attached to him, because I know that I am eventually going to have to let him go.”

When I hear comments like this, I always wonder if the couple are already hammering out their divorce agreement with their attorneys. Some of the time, they are not. It’s just a case of someone assuming that a separation and a divorce are basically the same thing. For some couples, they are not. Some couples choose to separate because they are not sure if they want to divorce. Some hope that they will be able to work things out before a divorce becomes necessary.

Many people understand this intellectually, but they don’t want to get their hopes up for a reconciliation when everything has gone wrong lately. Many of them had hoped that a separation would not be necessary, but then it was. So they feel as if it’s almost inevitable that they are going to lose their relationship for good. I do understand this. I had the same fears. But I believe that this type of fear doesn’t serve you because it can cloud your behavior. You might approach your husband with a lack of confidence or be afraid to approach him at all. As a result, you might make a divorce more likely.

It took me a long time to realize this, but I ultimately decided that until the ink was dry on divorce papers, I was not going to write my marriage off. This was difficult, because at the time, my husband wasn’t giving me a lot of hope. So in order to not let my hopes die, I just kind of shelved the issue for a while. I went out with my friends, spent time with my family, and pursued hobbies that I used to not have time for. I tried to take the focus off of my marriage and my separation and place the focus on myself. I basically just hit a pause button and waited to see what would happen.

This allowed for things to calm down and my husband eventually reached out to me. We moved at a very slow and gradual pace. No one was in a hurry to reconcile or divorce. We just allowed things to happen as naturally as possible. And eventually, we did reconcile and we are still married today. (You can read the rest of the story at http://isavedmymarriage.com)

That’s why I totally understand why wives can feel a deep loss during their separation and can mourn. However, unless you and your husband are actually pursuing a divorce, I am not sure that you have to assume that your marriage is over. Even when things don’t look good, things can change. I’m sure that many of my friends thought that I was going to end up divorced simply because my husband was not all that invested anymore. And yet, here we are today. The point that I am trying to make is that while I think you can grieve the certainty of your marriage during a separation, it can be a mistake to assume that it’s ALWAYS over. Because sometimes, it is not over.

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