Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many couples struggle to define their feelings during a trial or marital separation. After all, if both were feeling loving and intimate toward each other, a separation would not be necessary. So it’s somewhat understandable to doubt the depth of your love during the separation. Many are clear that they still love their spouse, but they don’t know if it’s enough. However, there is a subset of spouses who insist that they no longer feel any love at all, (even though many are not acting on this lack of emotion or seeking a divorce.) Some will insinuate that in time, the love may return, but they refuse to declare any love, which can leave the other spouse confused as to a next step.

This spouse might say, “my husband and I separated about nine weeks ago. At first, he would not even discuss his feelings for me. However, he was obviously frustrated. Lately, I too have become frustrated, but not because I am angry with my husband, but because I miss him. So last week as we were saying our goodbyes, I let an ‘I love you’ slip out. My husband said nothing. So I asked if he had heard me and he confirmed that he had. I asked why he had no response and he said, ‘well, I can’t say something that I don’t mean.’ So I had to ask him if he loved me. He said that he doesn’t love me right this second, but perhaps as our marriage improves the love will return. Needless to say, I became upset and asked why doesn’t he just divorce me if he doesn’t love me. His response was that he had absolutely no intention of a divorce and that he hoped his feelings would come back. I’m devastated by this. I’ve had some very bad days during this separation. There are times when I am very angry at and disappointed in my husband but I’ve never doubted my love. Frankly, I have a problem believing his claims. We vacationed together about two months before we separated and he was very affectionate. When I recently had a health scare, he was beside himself. Some of my friends say that I should just take him at his word and give up on him. But my husband isn’t pursuing a divorce. So what should I do? Just accept that my own husband will never love me?”

Making Difficult Decisions About How To Proceed: I certainly don’t think that you have to accept this. I know from my own separation that feelings change. Although I never stopped loving my husband, he did not feel the same. He never said as much, but he most certainly acted unloving and he deliberately refused to say or do anything which might reassure me. At first, I responded by desperately trying to pull him closer. My insecurity made me needy, demanding, and pushy. Needless to say, this made him love me even less. Things deteriorated quickly, so I had no choice but to give him time and space. However, I had to make a choice about what strategy was best for me moving forward. I decided that I absolutely was not ready to let go, but I needed to stop holding on so tightly. I told my husband that I was taking a break and that he could reach out to me anytime. But I no longer bugged him on a daily basis or measured my days by his reaction to me. As difficult as it was, I spent time with my friends, pursued my interests, and tried very hard to work on myself.

This break allowed my husband to eventually be receptive again. Once this happened, I worked very, very slowly to improve things between us. Very gradually, our relationship, and then our marriage, improved. None of this was quick, but the loving feelings eventually did return.

Feelings Can Change When Circumstances Change:  Sometimes circumstances, and feelings, evolve. As the situation improves, so do the feelings. When you are in the midst of painful circumstances, the feelings can reflect this reality. It is possible that your husband is only responding to the circumstances and that, if you are able to improve your relationship, his feelings may improve or change.

Taking Advantage Of The Time You Have: In the meantime, I’m not sure that you need to decide what you want to do about your marriage immediately – especially since your husband is not pursuing a divorce. This gives you the time to wait and see what might happen. Everyone is different, but sometimes, you inspire improvement if you stop pressuring him. Try to ensure that you have pleasant conversations, since negativity sometimes means that your husband will avoid you. Resist the urge to approach this with fear. Make sure he knows that you are taking the high road and are focused on improving yourself. This will sometimes give you more access to him and allow him to see that real change is possible. Positive emotions and improving circumstances make it SO MUCH easier for him to feel loving toward you again. That is why it makes sense to focus on the circumstances rather than worrying about the feelings – which will most likely change anyway.

If I had taken my husband at his word, I would not still be married today.  Every one’s separation is different, but sometimes, feelings change.  If you are not yet ready to give up, at least try to make some improvements and changes to your strategy.  You can read more about how I did this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:   Having a husband leave your home and then wondering if you are going to end up separated as a result, (or worse, divorced,) can be an awful, scary feeling.   However, many wives have an additional fear on top of all of this – the worry that the husband will quickly find someone else before the wife can even attempt to make things right.  She might say, “I can’t say that I am completely surprised that my husband left.  He has been hinting about this for several weeks.  He told me last night that he would be moving out today, which he did.  We have been struggling for several months.  I had hoped that he would accompany me to counseling, but I guess he could not wait that long.  He insists that he may one day be open to a reconciliation if things improve between us.  I desperately want this also, but I worry that it will not be possible.  Although we have theoretically agreed not to see other people, I worry that my husband will become tired of waiting for improvements and will eventually replace me with someone else if the separation does not go as planned.  As far as I know, my husband has never been unfaithful to me.  And I do not think that he plans to start now.  However, women have always chased my husband.  He is a great looking man and he’s also very charismatic.  I worry that once word gets out that we are on a break, women are going to actively go after him.  Sure, he may resist this initially, but as time goes on, I truly worry that he will eventually give in and, since we all know that new relationships can seem so wonderful, he may think that he can be happier starting over.  How can I counter this when we have so much work ahead of us?”

Putting Things In Perspective: I know how tempting it can be to assume the worst.  I did the same. But I also learned that sometimes when you are so actively concentrating on what you fear, you can actually make that thing more likely.  Your fear affects your behavior and your actions.  This process can contribute to things going wrong more than it aids them in going right.  Also, it may feel as if you have no control over your husband’s path, but actually you do.

I understand that it can feel as if you have tons of work to do, but I would suggest NOT attempting to do the heavy lifting immediately.  Initially, you are just attempting to be comfortable around one another and work within the boundaries of the separation.  Things may feel (and be) very fragile.  Dissecting your marriage or attempting to make huge changes can be dangerous when you are already in a fragile situation.  In the beginning, just try to maintain a positive rapport.  Try to laugh and be comfortable around one another.  I made the grave mistake of pushing too hard too early and my husband began to avoid me in response.  I had to completely regroup and I began to have the very modest goal of just ensuring that each conversation or contact went well so that both of us would want to do it again and again.  Sometimes, this meant that we actually communicated less, even when I wanted to communicate more.  I learned to be patient and to maintain a playful, upbeat attitude so that my husband actually enjoyed our interactions.  This was a HUGE about-face for me.  And at times, it felt wrong. But this was the plan that actually worked with my husband.  Because it did not make him feel pressured or watched.  It made him feel comfortable.  And this had been missing from our marriage.

Minimizing The Chance That He Will Meet Someone Else: Granted when you are separated, you can’t be with your husband 24/7.  Some of it is out of your hands, which is even more reason to control what you can – the interactions that you have with him and the improvements that you can reasonably make.  If he won’t go to counseling right now, nothing says that you can’t or that you can not find some great self-help to improve YOUR part of the marriage.  I did this even when I was unsure if it would make any difference because I felt that I was out of other options. And these small acts made a big difference.  My husband most definitely noticed and he was more receptive to me.  Of course, I did have to relent and give him more space and this was very, very difficult.  But I had to present it like I was trying to help my husband get what he needed at that time.  I had to present that I wanted him to be happy.   I had to be his ally instead of his adversary.  Once I learned this, it did make a huge difference in how my husband viewed me so that he no longer avoided me.  Needless to say, this very likely was a defense against him going out with other people.  He could begin to see that there might still be a chance to make his relationship with me work.

As long as your husband thinks that there is some hope for your marriage, he has much less of a chance to seek that same relationship somewhere else – regardless of what women do or how they act.  The worst play here would be to allow your insecurity about this to cloud your actions.  A husband who isn’t sure what he wants often will not react positively to a clingy wife who is demanding answers or reassurances.  Yes, you do deserve some answers, but you have to be very crafty about how you seek this out.  And, if you maintain a good and playful relationship with your husband, he will sometimes offer up this very willingly.

I do completely understand this fear, but don’t underestimate the advantage that your history and your knowledge of your husband gives you.  Remember that you know this man better than anyone.  You know what he wants and needs.  You know that he is open to a reconciliation.  Now is the time to put those two things together so that he will have no need or desire to react to any of these other women.

I did worry that my husband would meet someone else.  Thankfully, this was not a factor.  But, my own mistakes were most definitely a factor.  Thankfully, I changed course before it was too late.  You can read the rest of this at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Believe it or not, many people facing a trial or marital separation are not familiar with the workings of them. What I mean by that is that, even in this age of high divorce rates, not everyone has lived through (or close to) a separation or divorce. So, when they are facing this prospect themselves, they are not sure how it should look or how they should act during it.

Someone might ask, “My husband has said that he wants to separate from me for a minimum of six weeks to see where we are after this pause. He feels that our relationship is not what it was when we first met. He indicates that he feels a great deal of stress with the way that things are. However, he hasn’t said much more than this. He makes it sound like he will visit and we will speak regularly. But, he is not specific enough that I have any idea how we are supposed to act around one another. Lately, he has been pretty cold to me and I’m wondering if this stance is going to keep on during the separation or if we are supposed to try acting in new, different, and improved ways in the hope that this elevates our marriage. Honestly, this is how I would want it to go. But I don’t want to overstep my bounds. Both of our parents are still married. Most of our friends are young and therefore newly married. So no one close to me has gone through this and, as silly as it sounds, I just don’t know how to act. How do most separated couples approach this? Do they fight? Do they act lovey dovey? What should I prepare myself for?”

Honestly, I wish I could give a concrete answer. But people act in various and different ways. And, people’s behaviors and feelings can drastically change over the course of a separation. The examples given (lovely dovey or combative) are both behaviors that you may see.

In The Beginning, You May See Tentative Hesitation: Initially, many couples feel one another out. In fact, it is common for people to be slightly tentative in the early days. They don’t want to say or do anything that might upset their spouse or cause things to be even worse. So you might see relatively decent behavior at first – UNLESS one spouse acts in a way that the other deems as not desirable.

The About Face That Can Happen When Mistakes Occur: Obviously, you want to do everything in your power to avoid undesirable behavior that you will eventually regret. This happened in my case and it almost meant that I ended up permanently alone. In the beginning stages of my own separation, my husband made it clear that he wanted space. I hoped that he would change his mind once he missed me, but he was upset that I never gave him that opportunity. So yes, he was cold and standoffish because he was let down that things were not going as he’d hoped. I held on even more tightly, which meant that the first weeks of our separation were pretty disastrous. There were many preventable misunderstandings, which lead to both of us acting in unfortunate, embarassing ways.

Setting And Listening To Boundaries: My best advice here is to listen to what your spouse has asked for and to try to act accordingly. If you try affection and your spouse is receptive to it, then, by all means, keep going. But if your husband continues to ask for space, then it is best to follow his lead so that things do not deteriorate. If at all possible, try to agree on boundaries, contact, and schedules BEFORE he moves out. This will make your life so much easier.

Making Progress Toward The Issues That Separated You In The First Place: Many people want to know how much work on their marriage should be attempted during the separation. It is ideal if you can get your spouse to agree to counseling or some sort of self-help before he moves out. This way, you know that you have a set time to see one another and to try to move forward. If he is resistant, then you may have to back off on that and work on yourself first. You don’t need to dismantle your marriage while it is fragile. What is most important is to try to maintain positive communications. Take what he gives you and speak to him in upbeat, positive tones so that he doesn’t have to tiptoe around you and doesn’t feel the need to avoid you. Even if you are not able to talk about your major issues, your goal should still be that he looks forward to seeing or speaking with you again.

This is more difficult than it sounds. When things go well, it’s so easy to push for more before he is receptive. Try very hard to go with the flow, even when you have to force yourself to do so. There may be times when you worry about what your husband is doing or how he is feeling. During these periods of time, resist the urge to make demands or to lash out – even though I know that this can feel impossible.

The Luxury And Hindsight Of Time Can Improve Behaviors, Actions, And Outcomes: It can be very important to remember that this is a gradual process that just takes time. We all want to see improvements and reconciliations in one day, but this so rarely happens. Give yourself the time to make real and gradual progress that will actually last so that your marriage can actually endure. We all want the quick fix. But sometimes, this backfires and reconciling more than once is even more difficult, which leads me to my next point.

Know That Sometimes, Change Starts With You: When we have a husband who initiates the separation, it is very easy to think that this all lies with him – that he is the one who is going to have to make the decisions and come to the realizations. But nothing says that you can’t do your own soul searching and figure out what you want, where you fit in with this, and what you can do (during this process and when you reconcile) to ensure that you move past this once and for all and can be happy and productive again.

The Bottom Line On How To “Act:” Here is my best advice as someone who has stumbled through this. Act like yourself, but put the best version of yourself on display every chance you get. It’s very easy to be petty, angry, and insecure when you fear that you’re losing your marriage or your spouse. Try very hard to resist these temptations and focus on the long term. It is possible to have this process work for you, but you have to remain calm and positive.

I can tell you from personal experience that at times, the separation can feel traumatic and quite scary. At the same time, you will learn more about yourself and your own resilience than you might ever imagine. And when you and your husband make progress and have those sweet moments where you are reconnecting and rediscovering one another again, then you can even begin to realize that some of this very painful process benefitted you because it gave you insights that you may not have otherwise have had. As much as I never would have believed it, in many ways the separation did improve our marriage. I don’t take anything for granted and I cherish that I have my husband. I believe he feels the same way and we both work much harder to maintain what we’ve achieved.  You can read more about our reconcilation and our marriage now here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives intuitively know that they are going to have to craft a certain image or a perception of themselves (and of their marriage) during their separation. Very often, they do not want the separation, but they know that they are treading on thin ice. Because their husband has asked for time apart, space, or distance. Many of these wives have read or heard that they should play hard to get or use some variation on the “no contact” rule to create a perception of scarcity.  The hope is that suddenly their husband will become interested again. That’s why many of these wives will hesitate when their husband insinuates that he wants to “remain friendly” during the separation.

One might say, “my husband initiated a separation that is going to start next weekend. I assumed that he would want to keep his distance since he is the one who wanted his space. However, last night he told me that he hopes that we can remain ‘close’ and ‘friendly.’ Now, to be very honest, I don’t know how sincere this is. He could be trying to make me think that things will be okay when in reality he is going to pull away. I’m trying to prepare myself for this possibility.  Many of my friends have suggested just letting him be and doing some form of ‘no contact’ so that he will see what he is missing. So I am wondering if I should push back and tell my husband that no, we can’t necessarily be close or friendly since he is the one who insisted on a separation. Perhaps this will teach him a lesson about taking our marriage (and me) for granted. What is the right call here?”

Why Sometimes, “No Contact” Means No Choice: I can only tell you my opinion, although I did very temporarily use “no contact,” I did so because I literally had no choice. My husband was avoiding me and if I had pushed, we would probably be divorced. I can tell you that I fully believe that you are going to need regular access to your husband in order to reconcile effectively. Sure, you can sit and wait until he hopefully changes his mind and comes crawling back. But, sooner or later, you are going to have to work with him and roll up your sleeves to actually fix what is broken because you want your reconciliation – and your marriage – to last. (This is going to be difficult if you alienate him by denying his attempt at an olive branch.)

Why There’s A Workable Compromise: I also believe that you can STILL create a sense of scarcity while remaining friendly. I firmly advocate having regular times to communicate (and even see) your spouse if he will agree to this. The reason is that without this, couples tend to drift apart and assume the worst of one another. It is much more likely for your separation to go south if you rarely see one another.

You don’t necessarily need to work through your entire marriage during this communication. In fact, you shouldn’t attempt it, at least in my opinion. In the beginning, you are only trying to maintain contact, have lighthearted banter, and look forward to touching base with one another. This will often feel better than fighting or conflict, so people tend to use this shift to begin to think favorably about their spouse and their marriage again.

What Encourages Shifting Perceptions:  Wives who want to save their marriage desperately need for a husband to shift his perceptions so that he is eventually open to you again.  How likely do you think this will be if you are somewhat combative to him and are forcing no contact or making yourself unavailable?  I get the draw of no contact because I used it.  But the situations are different.  I had already driven my husband away by being needy.  He WAS NOT wanting to be friendly to me at this time.  However, in this situation, this wife has a husband who seems to be open to maintaining a good relationship.  In my opinion, it is in your best interest to see if he will make good on this.  Perhaps he won’t.  By why not give him that chance?  Maintaining a good relationship is the gold standard during your separation and it makes a reconciliation much more likely.

This doesn’t mean that you have to be over accommodating or that you can’t create a sense of mystery and scarcity.  You can still do both of these things AND be cordial and friendly.  Again, everyone will have a different opinion on this.  But I think that you should start out as positively as you can.  If circumstances change or deteriorate, then you can certainly change your strategy.  But many wives desperately hope for a better relationship with their separated husband.  They would love to be friendly.  I just don’t see a downside to giving it a try and then re-evaluating if you need to.  You always want to give the impression that you are trying to work with your husband to improve your situation in the hopes of reconciling.  Refusing a friendly relationship runs counter to this.  Being friendly doesn’t mean that you can’t do your own thing and sometimes be legitimately unavailable.  But I would not force “no contact” on a husband who is being open to you.

Believe me, no contact was the last resort for me and it was not at all fun.  In fact, it was downright painful and very challenging.  Yes, it worked, but life would have been much easier if we had started out friendly.  You can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives who are reluctant to agree to a trial separation are swayed by a husband’s claim that the separation is going to be for the best.  Often, a husband will tell his wife that time apart is going to actually benefit the marriage because it will allow for a pause in what is going wrong so that there is an opportunity to make things right once again.  This all sounds good in theory and this possibility is what almost every sincere separated couple hopes for.  And yet, things don’t always go in the way that you planned.

Many wives are disappointed when they realize that their trial separation is just not working as promised.  In fact, it doesn’t seem to be working at all.  A wife might say, “honestly, I think that our trial separation has been a disaster.  My husband refused to clarify many things about it, except for to insist that as he saw it, separating was the only chance we had at saving our marriage because he felt that we needed to be apart for a while – whether that meant divorce or separation.  Of course, I chose a separation when it seemed that my only other choice was divorce.  But my husband tried to make it sound like a positive.  He said that perhaps we would change our perspectives and would desperately miss one another.  Well, these things have happened to me, but they don’t appear to be happening to him.  He certainly doesn’t make himself available to me.  Sometimes, when I call him, he literally sighs, as if it’s burdensome to hear from me.  I miss him so much and I’m very lonely.   My life is tons worse than it was, but my husband doesn’t seem to feel the same way.  I was hoping that we’d be in counseling right now and seeing real improvement, but my husband is putting that off.  It’s as if I’m just supposed to wait while my life treads water.  I don’t like what is happening at all, but I have no control over it.  I didn’t want this separation but I had hoped that it would make my husband want me and it hasn’t.  I don’t think that it’s working at all.”

Goodness, I could have said these words myself during my own separation.  I too had high hopes that it would actually make us never want to part again. Instead, my husband was very lukewarm toward me, so I panicked and pushed harder for his attention.  That meant that he pulled back even harder and he eventually began to avoid me.   If I thought that things had deteriorated during our marriage, they really got bad during our separation.  I became pretty depressed about this, and like the wife above said, I felt like so much of my life was outside of my control.

Changing Perspective: During my separation, I did some therapy and I read a lot of self-help.  Because of this, I eventually realized that I needed to take back some control over my life.  While it was true that I had no control over what my husband felt and did, I had FULL control over myself.  Better still, being assertive about my own well-being actually did nudge my husband to feel differently and to behave better around me.  Because of this self-work, I was no longer the needy, depressed, and demanding wife.  I was capable, busy, and improving.  This changed my husband’s stance toward me, which made a big difference.  More than that, it made me feel much better about our situation.  I learned that I could and would survive no matter what happened. This gave me much more power when communicating and negotiating.

Evaluating What Is Working And What Isn’t:  One day, I sat down and I listed my disappointments about my situation.  I realized that one of the things I really wanted was for my husband to miss me.  I wanted the physical distance to help to close the emotional distance.  But when I was honest with myself, I realized that I hadn’t given my husband many opportunities for this.  I was pretty needy during this time, so I was always attempting to reach out and check in, even when my husband had asked for some time.  So, it was me that wasn’t allowing this process to work.

I decided to change that and I did back away for some time.  I was very afraid that doing so would be the final straw, but you know what? Eventually, my husband started contacting me.  This would not have happened without my giving him space.

Getting The Help That’s Needed Regardless Of Cooperation:  Like the above wife, I was very disappointed that my husband did not just jump into counseling.  I eventually asked myself what was stopping me from getting help for myself.  Sure, ideally, you will go together.  But if that can’t happen right now, nothing says that you can’t seek out help yourself.  Individual counseling was still helpful, even if my husband wasn’t with me.  It allowed me to change my perspective on some things, which helped me to be more patient and to exclude more confidence.  I read an awful lot of self-help when I was alone, which gave me a sense of empowerment.

Know That Things Change:  I know many people who considered the early part of their separations as a disaster but who are still married today.  Things can be volatile and fresh in the beginning.  Sometimes, it helps to let the dust settle a bit.  People’s perceptions change.  Feelings evolve.  After being alone for a while, that “space” can turn to loneliness.  Sometimes, these changes are just a short distance away.  You just have to be patient and refrain from pushing too hard.  There were times when I was sure that I wouldn’t still be married in two years, but I was.  My husband’s perceptions and feelings changed.  This didn’t just magically happen.  I nudged things along by changing my attitude and strategy.  I made sure that I did give my husband space but that, when we did interact, he saw a positive, capable woman instead of a clinging, insecure, and depressed woman.  Of course, he was much more open to the positive woman.  And this made all of the difference.  (You can read about that total transformation here: http://isavedmymarriage.com ) It is a big reason that we are married today.  Nothing is set in stone.  You can still change course.  You can maintain what is working and change/improve what isn’t.

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By: Leslie Cane: It is one of the scariest phrases on the planet.  Very few people actually want to hear the words, “I want a divorce.”  Sometimes, we have the time to brace ourselves, since the marriage has had long-standing issues.  Still, when you hear these words, it is often very shocking and upsetting.  This is true even if you suspected that it was coming.  Many of the wives reading this article have heard these words, but they don’t want a divorce.  Since this site is about saving your marriage, this article is going to attract people who want to AVOID a divorce.

To that end, the following article is going to offer suggestions for wives who have been told that a divorce is on the horizon, but who are trying desperately to avoid it.  I’ll outline some steps that may help you avoid the divorce that you don’t want.

Step One. Don’t Panic. Know That This Process Takes Time:  I know first hand how easy and even intuitive it can be to panic at the first sound of these words.   It is completely normal to immediately envision yourself as elderly and alone because you’re soon going to be a divorced woman who is well past her prime. However, even though so many of us do this, it’s really not helpful.  Try your very best to avoid this type of thinking.  Laws and practices vary by state, but nearly everywhere, divorces are a process that does not happen immediately.  Sure, your husband can certainly begin the process quite quickly, but in order to protect all parties, completing the legal process can take some time.  It’s fair to say that you are not likely to be divorced tomorrow.  You do have a bit of time.  Plus, people can and do change their minds when they change perceptions or see improvements.  Not all men who set out to get a divorce actually get one. Some actually reconcile with their wives.  Some decide on a trial separation instead.  I do understand the fear because I was absolutely sure that I was going to end up divorced.  And yet, I’m still married.  My panic did absolutely nothing to help me.  In fact, it hurt my chances to get my husband back.

Step Two:  Try To Understand What Your Husband Thinks That He Will Get From A Divorce:  This clarity can be very, very important.  If you can understand your husband’s mindset and can get a firm grasp on what he’s thinking, you can have an advantage in crafting a plan to reconcile.  For example, my husband felt that he couldn’t live a peaceful life with me alongside him.  He felt that we were two different people and, therefore, he felt the need for space.  To his credit, he was honest about this.  Unfortunately for me, although I gave lip service to the issues, I didn’t actually take concrete action.  Therefore, my husband stopped believing that things could change.  He felt that in order to actually get change, he had to also get a divorce.  Once I accepted these things (and it took me way too long,) I was able to craft a plan.  As hard as it was, I traveled to force myself to give my husband space.  After a while, he gave me access to him once again because he saw that I was willing to back away.  Once I had this access, I used it to gradually and sincerely show my husband real and sustainable change.  I did not rush this or push too hard with it.  I wanted my husband to come to his own conclusions and to believe in lasting change on which we could base a marriage and reconciliation.

Step Three:  Take Small Gains.  Accept What He Will Give You:  Another thing that is important to understand is that often, you and your husband will need to interact because your lives are intertwined.  You may have kids together or other issues that mean you need to communicate.  Use this to your advantage.  Of course, you don’t want to push if your husband is resistant.  You will usually need to be careful not to come on too strong, but even in the middle of the divorce, there are often opportunities for positive communication. During this time, you can display real and meaningful changes in yourself and in your behaviors.  Again, you may have to accept very small victories.  Sometimes, even a short phone call that goes well is cause for celebration. But it’s very important to understand that even a short positive phone call may mean that he won’t hesitate to reach out to you again.  Each time that he does, make sure that it ends on a positive note so that one pleasant transaction builds upon another.

Step Four: Use The Time To Your Advantage:  More than anything, most of us fear being alone.  However, if you are in a situation where your spouse is thinking seriously about (or seeking) a divorce, chances are that you’re going to have a little more time on your hands.  It’s very easy to feel depressed and lonely during this time, but that also doesn’t help you.  The only way that you can really flip the circumstances to your advantage is to use the time for improvements. Surround yourself with loving people and pleasing, soothing activities.  Make concrete improvements that will lift your spirits and raise your confidence level.  Seek counseling if this will help you. That way, when you see or communicate with your husband, the vibe will be different.  He should be able to tell that something has changed and then wonder what it is.  (Hopefully, he will make it his mission to find out.)

Step Five. Know That It’s A Marathon, Not A Sprint:  Unfortunately, this process can take a bit longer than we want it to.  A husband who has thought so long and hard about his marriage that he seeks a divorce is usually not going to change his mind over a weekend.  Unfortunately, unraveling this can take a bit of finesse.  When you rush things, you scare your husband off and then you have to work twice as hard the next time.  As hard as it is, know that since this may require gradual progress, you’re going to need to commit to the long-term view rather than risking short-term gains by pushing too hard.

As I alluded to, I had to work very gradually and deliberately to avoid a divorce.  But once I got a clear plan in my head and had the patience to wait it out and move as my husband allowed me to, I was able to save my marriage. There’s more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  There are many conflicts that can crop up during a marital separation.  One very common one – particularly when the spouse who initiated the separation wants space – can be that of control.  Sometimes, there is one spouse who wants the separation and another who does not.  The resistant spouse usually wants for things to remain the same – at least as much as is possible.  In concrete terms, this can be a wife who still wants regular access to her husband.  She wants to function as a family for the sake of the kids.  And she wants to feel like an active participant in her marriage.  She wants all of these things because she still has some hope for her marriage and for the future of her family.  It is important to understand this because it allows one to see WHY she might attempt to control the behaviors and feelings of her husband.  She can worry that if she doesn’t attempt to reign him in, she may end up losing him.

As a result, she may have concerns about her husband’s new lifestyle or behaviors. She may want to cling tightly to the way that things were while her husband wants to experiment with how things could be.  As you might suspect, this conflict might cause her husband to feel that she’s controlling, and, as a result, he may pull away even more.

The wife might describe the situation this way: “I just got into a huge argument with my separated husband.  We have been separated for nearly five weeks, but he acts as if he just moved out this weekend. He still acts like this is all shiny and new. It’s been over a month at this point.  Shouldn’t he know how he feels yet?  I realize that he is demanding his space.  But is this my kids’ fault? It’s not, which is why I push to keep many things the same.  For example, I still want to attend church as a family on Sundays and then have dinner with my parents. I want to speak to him at regular times.  When I ask him how he spent his weekend, I would like to know.  I believe that I have a right to know if he is seeing someone else as this could most certainly affect myself and my kids.  I want him to continue to be involved with certain aspects of the household.  However, my husband bristles at all of this.  He says that he doesn’t feel as if I’m giving even an inch in terms of allowing him any space.  He says that I am more controlling than ever and that this is part of the problem.  I don’t mean to be controlling.  But I am trying to maintain normalcy for my kids.  What is wrong with that?  Does making my kids a priority during this separation make me controlling?”

I don’t think that it does.  But I am not your husband, so my perception does not matter here.  More importantly, your husband’s perception can mean everything, so it is vital to come up with a way that you can both get some of what you want and remain comfortable, connected, and working as a team.

Understand How Fiercely A Separated Husband Can Guard His Space:  Many newly-separated husbands can be very, very protective of their space – so much so that they can be a bit paranoid about it.  Sometimes, they will accuse you of overstepping when in fact you are just trying to be inclusive.  They often suspect that you won’t give them what they’ve asked for so they’re just waiting for you to do anything that confirms this suspicion.

If you’re thinking that this is in no way fair, you’re right.  But know that if you get defensive, it will likely only get worse and your husband may begin to think that you are never going to give him the space he wants until he takes it from you.  How does this look? I know first hand.  This happened to me during my own separation.  Your husband will become secretive and will try to avoid you.  If you think that things are bad now, I promise that they can get worse.  If you have regular contact, then you really need to guard that fiercely, which leads me to my next point.

Finding Compromises That Everyone Can Live With:  I completely understand wanting to keep things as stable as possible for your kids.  That’s completely legitimate.  But a husband who is clinging to (and feels protective of) his space may sometimes accuse you of using your kids to have access to him.  So you have to be careful with this.  My suggestion would be that when you feel his resistance (or he verbalizes this to you,) that you try something like, “Do you have a second? It’s obvious that we’re not in sync with contact right now.  It’s also obvious that I’m trying to maintain some things for the sake of our kids.  What are you comfortable with in terms of contact and communication?  What can we agree upon?”

Listen to what he has to say and speak up if there’s something that you need to say.  Ideally, perhaps you can keep some of what is important to you and give him a little more of what he wants.  Perhaps you keep the church schedule but you skip his presence at the dinner with your parents if he balks at this.  Perhaps you agree as to when you will speak without fail and then during other times, you will wait for him to call you.  Maybe you let the kids call or visit him without your presence so he can’t accuse you of using them to gain access.

In short, you sometimes have to back away some in order to make progress.  I know that this is difficult and scary.  But I also know the mindset of some separated husbands who are clinging to space. The last thing you want is for him to start to become secretive and to back away.  When this happens, it can be very difficult to get back to your original position.  It can actually be easier to willingly give up a little – at least for a little while – and then regroup once he gets this out of his system.

You don’t want him to see you as the person who stands between himself and his happiness.  If you remain positive and try to work with him while maintaining some flexible but decent contact, then he has no reason to see you as a threat or to pull away from you.  I wish I hadn’t learned this the hard way.  Luckily, after I backed off some, my husband and I did reconcile.  You can read about how I pulled this off at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I often hear from wives whose husbands have recently told them that the marriage is over.  Many are still reeling from this conversation and are sort of walking around in a state of shock.   And many most certainly do not agree with this assessment because the marriage is certainly not anywhere near being over for them.  Many aren’t sure what to say or how to act.

I often hear comments like “my husband is saying our marriage is over.  Hearing these words is a huge blow and hurts me so much.  I have no idea how to respond or how am I supposed to act.  It’s not over for me, but I’m not sure if I should be telling him that.   How should you act when he’s saying it’s over when it’s not over for you? What if you can’t bear to see your marriage end?”

This is a subject that is near to my own heart and situation.  My husband told me that we were over on countless occasions.  I handled this in a variety of different ways and only one of the ways actually worked.  So in the following article, I’ll go over how I believe you should act when your husband says it’s over.   By no means am I an expert but this is what worked for me and others.

Don’t Act Like It’s The End Of Your World When He Says It’s Over:  I know it’s tempting to crumble, cry, and then go on a campaign to convince him that he’s wrong or isn’t sure what he really wants.  You can very desperately want to change his mind or to talk him out of this.

But if you do fall apart and act as if you are and have nothing without him, then this truly can change the way that he sees you for the worst.  Right now, it’s so important that your husband comes to think highly of and about you.  So don’t give him any reason to think that you’re anything other than a strong, capable and loving person.

Focusing on the negative isn’t likely to change his mind.  And his feeling sorry for you is really not to your benefit either.  So as tempting as it to play that card, I would suggest that you resist.

Don’t Insist That It Isn’t Over For You And Never Will Be: This used to be my very favorite refrain.  When my husband would tell me it was over, I’d replay “well, it isn’t over for me,” as though this was a defense or was enough to change his mind.

He would sort of say that he was sorry to hear that and then he’d set out to avoid me.  This only made things worse.  Your husband probably already knows that it’s not over for you.  But it hasn’t changed things.  So perhaps it’s time to begin to sing a different tune?

Stress That You Don’t Want For The RELATIONSHIP To Be Over:  To me, this is one of the most important elements in any plan to save your marriage. Because in order to begin to change your husband’s beliefs and opinions, you’re going to need an “in.”  You’re going to need access to him.

One way to do this is to stress that you don’t want the relationship to be over.  And you don’t necessarily mean a romantic relationship.  You mean that your husband is so important to you that you just want to maintain a friendship or some sort of relationship.

You want this because you care about his own happiness and well being as much as your own.  So because of your love and respect for him, you’re willing to accept these changes if they will ultimately mean that he’s happy and gets what he wants – and hopefully you will as well.

OK, now let’s be real now.  I fully understand that right now, you’re probably thinking “hey, that’s great that he gets what he wants, but what about me?  I’m just supposed to accept friendship with my husband?”

Well yes and no.  This is only the first step.  You’re doing this because it’s more likely to make him receptive to you.  And, your plan is to slowly build upon that friendship until it’s back to a romantic level and eventually back to a strong marriage.

And frankly, often when you take this tactic, your husband will step back because this is not what he was expecting to hear.  Usually, he’s all geared up for the tears and the debate and when there’s none – well, he’ll usually reflect for awhile but then he’ll be much more receptive to you.

This is what you need so that you can gain some ground and eventually save your marriage.  I know it’s so very tempting to want instant gratification and try to convince, strong arm, or debate your husband why it’s not over.

But the thing is, he THINKS it’s over for him – at least right now.  Your words alone aren’t likely to change that.  But your actions over a gradual and measured amount of time certainly can.  I am proof of this.

My husband must have told me our marriage was over countless times.  I must have said it wasn’t just as many times.  This never worked.  But something finally did.  If you want to read about this process in action, you can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many husbands who initiated a separation are not completely receptive to their wives’ attempts at regular communication. Often, the wife who was reluctant to separate will have to fight the urge to overwhelm her husband with almost constant attempts at communication and reassurance. This is understandable. No one wants to just sit by helplessly while their marriage threatens to go up in smoke.

In fact, it’s quite easy for scared wives to panic in this situation and to cling even tighter – which of course, can make things even worse. Sometimes, it becomes fairly obvious that the wife truly does need to back away and give her husband that space he’s been seeking, but she will often second guess herself and wonder if she made the right call. She also may wonder what her husband is feeling or thinking when all of a sudden, she has decided to leave him alone as he has asked.

She might say, “I’ve been separated for the past eight weeks. The only reason that this has occurred is that my husband believed that he needed a break from myself and our marriage. He assured me that he wouldn’t abandon me, but that’s exactly how it feels. I call him regularly, but he keeps conversations short. I try to initiate face-to-face contact with him, but he turns me down. Many of my friends say that I should give him exactly what he wants – to be left alone. And deep in my heart, I know that they are right. Because things just continue to deteriorate the more I try to get him to pay attention to me. So I know that I need to back away, but I worry that he will think that I’ve abandoned him and that I don’t care. And likewise, I’m also worried that he will rejoice and begin the process of moving on without me. How do most separated men feel when they want space and their wife finally leaves them alone?”

It really does depend on the man and the situation. I can’t speak for anyone, but I can tell you what happened to me and what my husband shared with me later, after we began the process of reconciliation.

A Husband’s Perceptions: My husband knew that I wasn’t going to abandon him. He knew that I cared. I had made all of that very clear when I was pretty much stalking him during our own separation. I also knew that it was going to be difficult for me to keep to my word and give him space. So I went out of town for a while. This meant that I would have a more difficult time reaching out. I told my husband where I was going. I told him that he could contact me at any time, if he needed anything at all.

And then, I took a deep breath and I finally did give him space and I left him alone. At first, he felt relief. I had finally respected his wishes. He was finally going to get the time he needed to evaluate what he wanted to do with his life. And, I’m actually sure that he enjoyed this for a little while. I also think that this enabled him to think more kindly of me, since I finally gave him what he was asking for. This meant that he could stop seeing me as a pest or as someone who, at least at the time, was impeding his growth and contemplation.

However, after some time passed, he began to wonder about how I was. He knew that I worried and cared about his well being and, despite his posturing and frustration, I truly believe that somewhere, deep down, he felt the same. As a result, he reached out to me to see how my trip and my progress was going. At this point, I limited things to light small-talk. This was very difficult for me, but my husband’s reaching out confirmed what I already suspected – giving space or leaving things alone can turn the tide.

The Aftermath: I tried to either keep conversations short or allow my husband to come to me. And then a funny thing happened. He began to miss me. He began to realize that things would happen with his life and he would want to share them with me or commiserate with me, but I wasn’t reaching out as much because this is what he asked for. So we renegotiated our communication.

And slowly, regularly, we began to communicate. It was very superficial at first and not at all meaningful. It literally was just touching base or just quickly reaching out. But very gradually, things became a little deeper. We began to slowly make progress. His feelings toward me softened considerably. I am not sure if this would have happened had I not momentarily left him alone.

Can I promise that all husbands will react this way? Definitely not. Some husbands may just feel relief for a longer period of time. But, for myself, I began to feel as if I had no choice. Things were only getting worse the more I clung to my idea of what communication should have been. So I respected my husband’s wishes and this gave him the space to miss me, to view me favorably, and to be open to seeing what might happen between us if he opened himself up. (I do think that it is important to make it clear that you’re not angry, that you’re not retaliating, and that you are not punishing your husband. You are simply respecting his wishes and he can reach out to you at any time if he wants or needs to.)

Our total reconciliation took some time. I would have liked the reassurance of things moving much more quickly but, again, if I had pushed, I may have jeopardized any chance I had of making improvements. Of course, I think that the chance I took (although anxiety-inducing at the time) was more than worth it.  You can read more about how we made it work after our separation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives begin to notice, with a very sinking feeling, that their husband’s stance and attitude toward them has most definitely changed.  Perhaps their husband was never the most romantic or demonstrative guy in the first place, but he was able to convey loving and warm feelings.  However, as time passes and circumstances become more difficult, many wives can no longer deny that those warm feelings are a thing of the past.  There’s no longer any way to deny it:  Her husband is now ice-cold toward her on a regular basis.  Understandably, as a result, she’s worried that this means that her marriage is over.

She might say, “I wish that I was wrong, but that I know that I am not.  The reason that I know that my feelings are accurate is that my husband used to be much warmer toward me.  When we first met, he could actually be extremely sweet, even though he is a shy and introverted person.  However, after we had our second child, I noticed the distance growing.  He just doesn’t go out of his way for me in any capacity.  He’s nice to and goes out of his way for his friends, co-workers, and family.  He can be chilly to our children also, but nowhere near the way that he is toward me.  Sometimes, I ask myself if I’m doing anything wrong, or if I have made a mistake that is worthy of this distance. I can’t come up with any missteps that I might have made.  If anything, I try to overcompensate and act more warmly toward him, until I get so frustrated that I stop.  When I attempt to bring this to his attention, he will tell me that I’m either overexaggerating it or expecting too much.  He tells me that he is busy and that when he comes home, he just wants to unwind and not do tons of emotional work.  He says that people reach out to him all day at work so that at home, he needs time to himself to decompress.  This theoretically makes sense, but he’s still cold when we are on vacation or when he has had a long weekend to decompress.  It has got to where I have to almost beg him to have sex or I have to hound him in order to have any sort of meaningful conversation.  Sometimes, when I catch him looking at me, I swear that there is distaste in his eyes.  But he doesn’t seem willing to address or change this. So I really feel like our marriage is going to be over.  And I’m just not prepared for that.  I love my husband, even now. And I don’t want to do this to my kids.  I am a child of divorce.  And my dad was cold to my mother – just like my husband is to me.”

I do understand these concerns and I would never tell a wife in this situation that she was overreacting.  In her shoes, I told myself that my husband was just distracted and that things would eventually improve.  This was a mistake.  As a result of these assumptions, I did nothing and I ended up separated and almost divorced.  It’s possible that I had taken action and made every effort to improve things when I first noticed the distance, I could have avoided an extremely painful separation that went on for far too long.  I wish that I had understood the multiple reasons that a spouse can turn cold and perhaps then I would not have taken it quite as personally or been so reluctant to address it.  Hopefully, the wife in this scenario can learn from my experience (and from the divorce of her own parents) that this is not something that you want to ignore.  Below, I’ll explain some of the reasons that you might suddenly see a cold, distant spouse and I will offer some suggestions as to how you might deal with this.

Issues With Emotional Distance Can Begin In Childhood And Can Become Worse In Busy, Adult Life:  Sometimes, in some people, normal but trying situations like difficult parenting or growing up in a household with parents who rarely displayed affection can make a person susceptible to being stingy with adult demonstrations of emotional contact and love.  A person who already has this susceptibility may find their behaviors intensifying when they are very busy, they are stressed, or they are immersed in today’s culture of constantly multitasking, dealing with social media, juggling texts, and fighting work demands.

The reason for this is that it’s very easy to hide behind your electronics or work obligations in the culture in which we live today.  Even the most demonstrative people can struggle to find the time to prioritize their marriage.  But today’s culture makes it extremely easy for people to claim to be too busy or too involved to fully emotionally participate in their marriage.  Frankly, we all have to fight to make time for it – even when we WANT to be emotionally available.  So when someone already has the tendency to emotionally withdraw, the world can make that quite easy and can even reinforce this.

Evaluating The Marital Circumstances:  Another thing that you may want to ask yourself is whether your physical connection has become more scarce.  It is so extremely common for men, in particular, to pull away emotionally when there is physical distance.  Or, your emotional connection might have paused due to child rearing, busy jobs, aging parents, etc.  Again, this makes it very easy for an introverted person who has trouble with emotional demonstrations to pull away.  A warmer person might fight to keep the connection.  A distant person will dive right into the distance.

Reintroducing Intimacy Into Your Marriage:  I can tell you how I was able to do this.  My husband actually does not normally have trouble with emotional intimacy.  He was usually relatively involved and demonstrative.  However, as our circumstances changed, he did 100% withdraw and would not be pulled back in.  I would think that you could use the same strategies, regardless of how or when the distance started.  One thing that I learned fairly quickly was that if I was going to spend quality emotional time with my husband, I was going to have to come to him.  No amount of guilting or begging was going to do it.  Even when I was successful in getting him to spend time participating in activities that I chose, he was not really a willing participant. So I really didn’t gain anything when I forced this upon him.

I learned to spend time together doing what he wanted to do – at least initially.   One of our first bonding activities was binge-watching mob-themed dramas together.  My husband had already seen most of these, but I hate mob stories.  Still, I knew that this was something that my husband would be willing to do and it meant being with him (and somewhat having his attention) for an hour at a time.  I did this with various activities and outings.  These events would not normally have been my first choice, but I wanted to connect with my husband.  Sure, on the surface we were only watching TV, but this was a gateway to more.

I also learned that the physical affection was also going to have to initially come from me.  Here is the thing:  Your having to take the initiative can feel really vulnerable and unfair.  But the truth is, someone has to go first.  That’s just the way that it is.  I might be still waiting for my husband to come around if I had waited for him to act first.  I basically very gradually slathered on all the affection that he would tolerate and then I made a huge deal out of it once he reciprocated.  When our physical contact improved, he became much more willing to give emotional contact.  In short, I had to train this behavior into him and I had to offer tons of positive reinforcement when I got the behavior that I needed.

Did this sometimes seem painfully slow and did I occasionally resent having to pull loving demonstrations out of my own husband?  Of course.  But what choice did I have? Without this, we were going to end up divorced.  I would strongly suggest working on these strategies now before you are separated or your husband begins asking for more “space” and “time.”  Once this happens, your job actually becomes twice as hard, at least this was the case for me. Sure, I suppose it’s possible that a few couples might naturally see improvements if they do nothing, but why risk it?  Especially when you deserve a husband who is present and warm.  You can read more about how I got the emotional connection back during my own separation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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