Leslie Cane Articles

One of the biggest potential impacts of a marital separation is the loss of physical intimacy. Although some spouses feel a deep emotional connection while separated, physical contact can be lacking. Many couples live separately during the separation. Others chose to keep a physical distance. This void can cause you to crave physical contact.

A wife might explain, “I miss physical intimacy with my separated husband. I am unsure of how to address this. I am not even talking about sex. I am talking about handholding and hugs. I miss sitting by someone at dinner or while watching television. I miss back rubs. And I miss his physical presence. How do I cope with this?”

The Risk Of “Skin Hunger” During Your Separation: I know that what mental health counselors call “skin hunger” can be a very serious issue during a trial separation. I experienced this myself. Experts believe that skin hunger can cause negative behaviors and conditions like anxiety, aggression, and sadness. Very few people do not feel this void.

Fulfilling The Need For Physical Intimacy During Your Separation: Since I’ve hopefully established that skin contact is vital to your emotional and physical well-being, how does one fulfill this need when separated?

Very carefully, but very deliberately. Chances are, you have family members and platonic friends that you can hug, sit near, or elicit back rubs from. This group may be comprised of your children, your parents, or your best friend.

Another option is to get regular massages. Yes, I’m talking about paying a licensed therapist to give you a professional massage. I realize that this will require time and money. But physical touch is that important. Even better, a massage can help to release some of the tension that many of us hold during our separations. Massage can be helpful in many ways.

One more suggestion is to give some attention to a beloved animal in your life. If you don’t already have a pet, borrow one or volunteer at a shelter. Volunteering is a wonderful idea during a marital separation. It can ease your loneliness and make you feel useful. Petting an animal offers both physical touch and stress release.

When Physical Touch Is Possible With Your Spouse: Some couples take physical intimacy off of the table while they are separated. They do this because they assume that it is not a good idea or that physical closeness is “not allowed.” In truth, couples get to make their own rules.

However, it pays to be careful. Physical touch from my own spouse was very confusing to me early in my separation. I would always hope that it meant a reconciliation, which only frustrated my husband. As a result, he stopped touching me.

Later, we did resume some physical contact when we began to reconnect. However, I always cautioned myself that this touch represented an improvement, not a reconciliation. In my opinion, as long as you are able to make this distinction, physical intimacy can be appropriate as long as neither spouse feels confused or used.

I’m often asked if it’s okay to have sex while separated. I hesitate to endorse this because many couples feel confused or conflicted afterward. However, if you are both open, clear, and at peace about what the sex means, then this is your marriage and your choice.

Some couples avoid sex but continue to hug or hold hands. Others draw the line at open displays of affection but continue to sit close together or enjoy each other’s physical proximity. After all, this is your spouse. It is natural to seek closeness with him. He is your partner. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel intimate with him as long as doing so doesn’t make matters worse.

Avoid Scratching This Itch With Another Romantic Relationship: Some couples take sex or very intimate contact off of the table during their separation. Sometimes this is a mutual decision. Other times, it is not. If contact with your spouse is not an option, avoid seeking it from alternate romantic partners. Adding another person into the mix is never a good idea. Doing so just makes a bad situation worse. Likewise, do not cross any boundaries will opposite-sex friends or co-workers. Realize that you are particularly vulnerable right now and do everything in your power to avoid making this mistake.

I know that skin hunger stinks. I know that it feels like an itch you cannot scratch. But hopefully, it is only temporary. In the meantime, find appropriate and healthy ways to meet this need. Do everything you can to improve yourself and your marriage. And, when you do find yourself in a position to enjoy unlimited physical intimacy with your spouse, enjoy each and every second.  If it helps, you can read about how I eventually got with the program and reconciled with my own husband here: http://isavedmymarriage.com Hopefully, it will help you avoid the mistakes I made so that you can reconcile more quickly.

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If you are reluctantly separated, I suspect that you are always looking for signs, signals, or indications that your separated spouse might one day come back home or be open to a reconciliation. However, it’s normal to not want to get your hopes up. It’s also understandable to suspect that you are seeing encouraging signs simply because you want to.

Someone might say, “my husband and I have been separated for four long months. For most of that time, I have desperately wanted to get back together but my husband made it clear that this is not what he wanted. Eventually, I shut down and told myself to let go of my hopes for a while. However, for the last couple of weeks, my husband has acted slightly differently towards me. He is much more kind and attentive. I have to admit that he received a much-desired promotion at work. So I’m afraid that he’s just in a good mood because of this. I’m also afraid that he’s just being nice because he’s going to tell me that he wants a divorce. What are some indicators that your husband might be thinking about returning home?”

I will attempt to answer that question, but I have to be honest and tell you that I prefer to first give you indicators that your husband may want to reconcile. Coming back home is honestly the very last step in the process. I see many couples rush this step and some of them end up separating all over again or even divorcing. It is better to think in terms of reconciling first and coming home second. This is really a two-step process, but both steps are wonderful. Make sense? If so, let’s move onto signs that he may be open to reconciliation and eventually, to returning home.

He’s Showing An Interest In (And Empathy Toward) You: It’s very common to want to have a cordial relationship with your spouse when you separate. After all, you never know what the future holds. However, there is a big difference between exchanging pleasantries and him showing genuine and continued interest in your experiences and feelings. If he’s suddenly interested in reconciling, you might see him caring more about how you feel, what your day-to-day experiences are, and how he may fit into your life in the future. You may also notice him soften his stance toward you, especially if he was a bit distant before. Speaking of the future, this leads me to my next point.

Your Conversations Alude To A Continuing Relationship Or A Future: Your husband doesn’t necessarily need to be planning an upcoming joint dream vacation for him to be thinking about a future with you. Often, you will begin to notice him wanting to take care of your home, your finances, and the path that the two of you may take going forward. He may not come right out and tell you that he’s making plans because he intends to be in your back in your home within six months. But if you read between the lines, it’s not hard to notice that he’s much more involved in your life because he might envision a day when he will once again share it. In short, he’s much more eager to be involved in the things you share.

He’s Reaching Out To You For A Change: One very big tip that the tide had started to turn during my own separation is that my husband started reaching out to me. For a long time, I was the one who made all the phone calls. I was the one who attempted to make plans. If concessions or compromises were needed, I would be the one who stepped up to make them. When my husband opened himself to the idea of reconciliation, this dynamic finally changed. He was the one calling me and making the plans. And he was willing to compromise when necessary. It felt fantastic.

He Believes That You (And Your Marriage) Have Changed: Many husbands warm to the idea of reconciling or coming home when they finally see the changes or improvements they’ve been waiting for all along. Perhaps you’ve embarked on self-improvement or have learned to navigate your problems in a positive way. Maybe the two of you have greatly improved your communication and negotiating skills. Whatever improvements you’ve made, your husband may finally believe that these changes are real and will actually stick.

He Shows You (Rather Than Tells You) That He Cares: Separated husbands often say things that don’t match their actions. For example, they may tell you that they are taking the separation day-by-day, but then they keep you at a distance and shut you out. However, as your husband begins to open himself to the idea of reconciliation, this standoffishness will begin to abate. He may suddenly be considerate. He may be trying to impress you or is doing sweet, thoughtful things for you. Suddenly, he’s making quite an effort and his actions may finally match his words.

These are just rough guidelines. Every husband is different. Circumstances vary. But you often feel a true difference. Sure, you may think that this change is due to your imagination or wishful thinking, at least at first. But you should see (and feel) sustained, noticeable, and positive changes.

However, even if you are all but sure about his feelings toward you and you’re confident that he is open to reconciling, don’t push or rush. Enjoy this time of falling back in love. Move slowly. Enjoy regaining your footing and your confidence. Ease back into it. Doing so not only makes the pace sweet and reassuring, but it helps ensure that your reconciliation lasts. If you’d like to read about how the tide finally turned during my own separation, that story is here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Wanting to keep your separation private is more than understandable. It is no one else’s business. And, when you are unsure about what is going to happen next, it is difficult and frustrating to have to keep explaining a reality that you may not be able to define just yet. It’s normal to want to avoid answering personal questions. It’s also understandable if you don’t want to talk about your marriage at all right now, even to those who are closest to you.

However, it can be tricky when you are in regular contact with family or friends who might notice your change in circumstances. Understandably, these folks may have questions. In this instance, do you just lie? Do you attempt to deflect their questions? Does each spouse handle his or her own friends and family member’s inquiries?

Someone may ask something like this: “My husband and I separated about four weeks ago. We have dinner with his parents every Sunday. I assumed that we would pause this practice while we are separated. However, my husband wants to carry out the ruse. He doesn’t want his parents to know about the separation. He is particularly worried about his mother. The truth is that I am close to his mother. In my view, keeping this information from her is deceitful and disrespectful. My husband says that she is his parent, not mine, so whether to tell her is his choice. I worry about her reaction if she finds out that we lied to her. But if I go behind my husband’s back and confess, then he may be angry. I want to save my marriage, so I’m willing to do what he asks. Is it customary to not tell your parents that you are separated?”

There is really no traditional way to handle this. Often, couples who hope to reconcile quickly are selective about who they tell. They hope that their marriage will return to normal in a short period of time. Therefore, there is really no reason to bring others into a process that is hopefully only temporary.

Personally, I regretted telling some people about my own separation. A few friends wanted to talk about the separation all the time, even though these conversations were painful for me. Others constantly gave unsolicited advice. Some still hold a grudge against my husband even though we have long since reconciled. Sometimes even loving friends and family will cling to the separation when you want to put it behind you.

Some Considerations: Lying can have its own set of problems. I think one consideration is how often your in-laws interact with you and how hard it would be to cover the separation for a short period of time. If you only see them on Sundays, then leaving the separation out of conversation should not be too difficult. However, if you are in a situation where you see or talk to them so much that you will have to lie to cover up your reality, then this may be different.

You may want to discuss your reservations with your husband. You might try something like, “I’m very uncomfortable keeping our separation from your mother. I am worried that I will have to straight-up lie to her and I do not feel right about that. At the same time, I want to honor what you are asking me to do. So, if she asks questions that require me to lie, can I have her direct the question to you?”

In this way, you are giving your husband the choice of whether to lie to his mother, but you are not having to do so yourself. Plus, you are honoring his insistence that these are his parents. I do agree with your husband that difficult conversations with (and decisions about) his parents should be left up to him. Yes, your relationship with your mother-in-law is very important. But right now, you are fighting for your marriage. And you are always going to be in a better position when your husband sees that you are on his side and are part of his team. In his own mind, he likely has very good reasons not to involve his parents in your marriage. Respect this until or unless circumstances make you reconsider.

If your separation lingers or if your mother-in-law begins asking questions, then you can regroup with your husband. But right now, if your only major interaction is the Sunday dinners, then I don’t see the harm in respecting your husband’s wishes for a while.

Finding Your Own Support System: My own separation got volatile at times. Due to my own mistakes, I struggled emotionally and I needed my parent’s support. So I told them about the separation, although I tried to respect my husband’s privacy. This was the right call because they were nothing but supportive and they were my family, not my husband’s. Your situation is different and of course, it is your choice as to whether you tell your own parents.

Try to look on the bright side of this. One reason that your husband may not wish to tell his family is that he hopes that you will be reconciled soon enough so there is no reason to worry others with your personal, temporary issues. If that is the case, going against his wishes may make this quick reconciliation less likely. I don’t think there is any harm in going with the status quo for now. If you are in a position where you have to lie, then you have every right to insist that your husband handle his own parents’ inquiries. Until then, I think that is important to show your husband that you have his back.  It wasn’t until I appreciated the idea of being on the same side as my husband that my approach to my own separation changed.  This shift allowed me to save my marriage. You can read more about that at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Many people try very hard to be optimistic about their marital or trial separation. After all, many of us have no choice in it. We have a spouse who is adamant that he wants to try a separation. So it becomes clear that our choice is to separate or divorce. Given this choice, separating seems to be the lesser of two evils. Few of us are excited about separating, but we try to have a good attitude and hope that it will be over quickly.

Unfortunately, some of the negative outcomes that we feared may actually happen. Sometimes, you look at your life and your marriage and you must admit that everything has now changed. Below, I will go over some of these changes and suggest ways that you might deal with them.

Friends And Loved-Ones Will Take Sides: It can be smart to keep your separation private. If not, you may quickly find that everyone has an opinion on your marriage and very few people keep their thoughts to themselves. People who normally respect your privacy may suddenly give you unsolicited advice. People who you thought liked your husband are now admitting to a long-time suspicion of him.

Obviously, the best way to avoid this is to think long and hard about who you confide in. However, if you’ve already confided in someone and now regret it, you may have to respectfully ask that discussions about the separation are taken off of the table for a while. You might try, “I hope you understand, but talking about this is painful. Can we talk about something else?”

There May Be More Guilt Than You Thought: Even when the separation wasn’t your idea, you can feel very guilty about the fallout from it, especially if you have children. No matter how carefully you may try to explain that none of this is their fault or how much access you allow to both parents, things may still feel off to your children. This may still be a very difficult time for them. Even though you likely know in your heart that none of this is intentional, your heart will still hurt for your kids. And for you.  There can be a great deal of guilt even when you don’t have kids.

This is normal, but you can try to offset this by encouraging them (or you) to talk to you or a counselor about their fears and concerns. Then, offer them tons of reassurance, affection, and attention. Kids’ biggest fear during this time is often losing a close relationship with their parents and the stability of a loving home. Show them with your actions (and tell them with your words) that you will not allow this to happen.

And the same goes for yourself. Get counseling if you need it and assure yourself that no matter what happens, you will still make love a priority.

Fear Will Rear It’s Ugly Head: No matter how much you vow to stay positive and to look on the bright side, it is very easy to start becoming paranoid that you will soon end up divorced and alone. You start to picture yourself as one of those older people who live alone, with only a bunch of cats for company. You picture your husband moving on with a younger, fitter, and more bubbly version of yourself while you grow old all alone.

I think that every separated person feels this way at some point. It’s very important not to isolate yourself. Surround yourself with friends and family members who can reassure you that, no matter what happens with your marriage, you are not going to be alone. Many couples reconcile and do not divorce. But even if you do, nothing says that you won’t one day won’t find a new and happy relationship.

It’s easy to assume the worst. Work hard to veer yourself off of that destructive path.

You May Relate To One Another Differently Because Of Suspicions, Misunderstandings, Or Fear: Even if you and your spouse have always treated each other with respect, you may both have a tendency to lash out right now. When you don’t always know what the other person is doing, it’s easy to assume the worst. Also, if your communication is not regular and clear, it’s easy to have misunderstandings that cause anger and resentment. As a result, you may begin to tell yourself stories. You may suddenly assume that you are incompatible or that you have fallen out of love. Most of the time, these fears and assumptions are untrue, but you are not able to see that at the time and there is a danger that this thought process will deteriorate your marriage even further.

The best way to avoid this is to cling to open communication with everything that you have. If there is something that you are wondering or worrying about, it is better to ask than to sit there and stew or assume the worst. When you feel things beginning to deteriorate, reach out to your spouse and attempt to clear the air. You want to be an ally to your spouse, not an adversary.

Being On Your Own Feels Weird, And Not Always In A Good Way: One of the wonderful things about being married is that there is always someone to eat with, to watch TV with, to sleep with, and to just be with. When you are separated, there is suddenly a huge void. Yes, you can go out with friends and spend time with other people. But it is not the same because you simply don’t have the same sort of intimacy with someone else.

This void can feel scary, but the way around it is to keep reassuring yourself that it doesn’t have to be permanent. Use this as motivation to attempt to maintain a good relationship with your spouse and to work on whatever issues separate you.

No matter how much you try to prepare yourself and your family for the separation, there may well be some negative surprises. There are most certainly going to be some changes. Try not to panic. With work and patience, most of these changes will prove to be only temporary. I experienced some variation on almost all of the above.  And I am still married today. My fears did not come true because I found a way to reconcile with my husband.  You can read the whole story here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people who are dealing with a trial or marital separation find themselves on the receiving end of either kind or unkind words from their spouse. Often, they aren’t sure if these words are genuine or are just a result of frustration stemming from the separation. When you want to save your marriage, the answer to this question can be very important.

Someone might say, “my husband and I have been separated for about two months. This was all his choice. During the course of our separation, he has said conflicting things to me. So I wonder if I can trust his words. For example, last week he told me that he will always love me in some way or another. But then the week before that, he admitted that he regrets marrying me and said he doesn’t know if we are compatible. At times, he seems to do a complete about-face about how he feels about me and the marriage. Once, during our separation, he told me that he was not sure that we would be friends if we weren’t married. But later he said that I was one of the best people he knew. I am wondering how much stock I should take in these statements. Do men say things that they don’t mean during a marital separation?”

Yes, definitely. And it’s not just men who say things that they don’t mean. Women are guilty of this also. When I was separated, I called my husband a selfish, narcissistic jerk. In reality, he is one of the most selfless people I know. However, a separation can be emotionally excruciating and incredibly frustrating. You can swing from feelings of desperation to feelings of vulnerability and then back to feelings of hope – which can cause you to cling to your spouse or to lash out at him. To that end, let’s take a closer look as to why you might be getting such dramatic verbal swings from your husband.

The Changing Thought Process (And Words) Of A Separated Husband: The very presence of a marital separation indicates his confusion about your marriage (and about his willingness to stay in it.) Therefore, from the very get-go, he is grappling with shifting feelings. Then, once he has moved out or spent significant amounts of time away from you, he might be surprised to find that he is more lonely than he anticipated, and as a result, that he desperately misses you.

This might be when you start to hear him say flattering things toward you and the marriage. And, at the time, he may well mean them. He’s not necessarily lying. However, a couple of days or weeks later, he may contradict himself by saying less than flattering things. Why? Because he resents feeling lonely or vulnerable. Or he simply has swinging and changing emotions – which is normal when you are in a stressful situation like a separation. He may be completely sincere and telling you what he knows to be true in both instances. However, the trying circumstances are contributing to his words as much as his feelings are.

Should You Call Him Out On His Changing Statements?: I know that it is very tempting to ask him to clarify his contradictions. However, as you may have already discovered, doing so will often cause him to be defensive. And worse, he may not confide in you when he experiences these feelings. When you want to save your marriage, it’s very important that he feels that he can open up with you.

At times, I did challenge my husband on his ever-changing claims. But this was the wrong call because he just retreated from me and then completely shut down. Eventually, I learned to just accept that sometimes both of us were going to say and do things that we didn’t mean. Sometimes, the things we said were good. And other times, they were bad. But they were often a reflection of a volatile time in our marriage.

I learned to not take his words to heart. Of course, this meant that when he said loving things, I had to stop myself from assuming that we would reconcile. And when he said mean things, I had to stop myself from assuming that we would divorce. To survive your separation, you have to learn to roll with the punches. To save your marriage, you have to be very determined to look past the negativity and envision a positive future.

The good news is that as things calmed down with our separation, we both stopped saying what we didn’t mean. As things stabilized between us, we were no longer dealing with such wildly fluctuating emotions and therefore, the verbal inconsistencies stopped.

Hopefully, your husband will soon take more care with his words. But if not, try asking yourself whether you’ve uttered careless phrases at some point during this separation. Chances are, you have. It’s totally normal and it is often not malicious or even insincere. It’s just a product of being in the stressful situation of a marital separation, which can be challenging for most of us.

If it helps, you can read about how I saved my marriages despite these challenges, here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I suspect that many people reading this article are terrified. They’re frightened because a trial or marital separation is in their near future and they are worried that is going to make things worse rather than better. They’re concerned that the marital separation is going to set them on the path to divorce. I understand these fears. I also felt them. But I had a trial separation and I am still married. The process was not always smooth and there are things that I wish I had known beforehand. So, in the hopes of helping you to avoid the mistakes I made, here are 5 things every couple should know before they begin a trial or marital separation.

Agree On Goals Before Anyone Walks Out The Door: This is honestly the biggest thing I want you to get from this article. Once one of you leaves (even if it is just temporarily,) it can be more difficult to work out any details. It is so much easier and more effective to decide RIGHT NOW how this separation is going to look and how it is going to work. Right now, ask your spouse to commit to not filing for a divorce for the set amount of time that you are giving yourselves to separate. (And yes, I do believe that you should have a time frame in mind. That way, you both do not have to live with the uncertainty of an open-ended separation.) It’s optimal to have a goal that you are both working toward with a set time-frame. You’ll also hopefully have the peace of mind of knowing that your husband won’t take any action during that time period. This safety net alleviates some of the fear of separating.

Agree On A Plan To Dig Your Way Out: Most people separate because they hope that a quiet pause will improve things. However, while taking time away from your spouse can be beneficial, it is best to also regularly work toward improving or saving your marriage. Many couples accomplish this through counseling. Others use self-help. Some will commit to spending quality time together at prearranged and regular times. This commitment is so important because if you leave these things to chance, they may never happen. And then before you know it, lots of time has gone by and you haven’t interacted with your spouse. As a result, things can get awkward, and one or both spouses become confused and resentful. Needless to say, this cycle can hurt your chances for reconciliation. It’s better to come up with a plan now.

Agree On Ground Rules For The Kids, Finances, And Relationships With Others: Most couples can quickly agree to make the separation as easy on their children as possible. One way to do that is to make sure that both parents see and interact with their children as often as possible. Make access easy for your spouse by being accommodating. This cooperation is for your children and it’s very, very important. Another consideration is your finances. Will you continue to have joint finances? Who will pay the household bills? Who will handle administrative tasks? It is awkward to have these conversations, but so important. The last thing you need is unpaid bills or late payments on top of marital issues. Iron these things out beforehand.

Finally, in the same way that you want the peace of mind that your spouse won’t divorce you while you’re separated, you also want assurance that he is not going to date or pursue other opposite-sex relationships. Again, it is easier to agree to this now than it would be if he suddenly becomes interested in someone else. Being separated is hard enough without worrying about your spouse’s fidelity on top of it.

Agree On What (Or If) You’ll Tell Others: It can be very painful to find out that your spouse has blabbed about the separation on social media or in the workplace when you intended to tell only your immediate family. That’s why it is so important to agree on who you will both tell and what you’ll tell them. That way, you don’t have two different versions of the story or one spouse telling everyone while the other tells no one. This is just my opinion from my own experience, but I believe it is easier to keep the number of confidants very small. For the most part, I only told my immediate family. I did tell a small number of others and for the most part, I regretted this. When my husband and I reconciled later some of those people still wanted to dwell on a separation that had long been over. My approach then became to tell only those who would need to know – and that was generally family members who would notice that my husband was not at home. We also agreed that we would not go into intimate details. We just basically told people that we were taking a very short break and that we had every hope to one day reconcile. When people were nosy, we would try to politely change the subject.

Commit To Being In A Good Place Before You Move Back In: This is perhaps the hardest tip of all. Everyone wants their normal life and their normal marriage back right away. But when you are tempted to reconcile before you really ready, ask yourself how much worse it would be if you separated for a second time. Because that is the risk of reconciling too early. If you are in counseling, your counselor can probably help you know when you are ready. If not, then you need to make sure that you have worked past the issues that separated you and that you are going to be able to navigate future issues in a healthy way. Some couples find it very helpful to begin spending weekends together long before they actually reconcile. This way, they can see which issues are continuing to crop up and then erase those issues before they move back in full time.

I hope these tips were helpful and take some of the fear out of the separation. If I’d had them, I may have avoided the initial disastrous separation I had. I eventually cleaned things up, but the process was more painful than it needed to be. My story of saving my marriage is here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many of the inquiries to this blog are questions like “how to survive a trial separation.” Or “how to overcome a separated marriage.” It is very clear that most wives see the separation as something which must be endured. I completely understand this because this is how I viewed it during my own separation. To be honest, I almost saw my separation as a game. In pushing for a separation, my husband had laid down a challenge. And I was determined to save my marriage and emerge victorious from that game no matter the cost.

You can probably imagine how this plan backfired. Once I saw it as a game, my husband did also. And he also wanted to win. So as determined as I was to save my marriage, he became equally as determined to thwart me. It was only when I realized that my attitude might cost me my marriage that I forced a change which made a big difference in my ability to save my marriage. Below, I will outline how such a change can actually help you “overcome” your separation.

Don’t See The Separation As Adversarial: When you see anything as something which must be “overcome” or “endured,” you have already attached a very negative connotation to that thing. Once you do this, you are going to approach your separation as something that you must tackle or beat into submission. This is understandable, but it will often put on opposing sides with your spouse, which is EXACTLY the place that you don’t want to be when you want to save your marriage.

In order for your spouse to willingly work with you, he will need to see you as his ally or someone with whom he can work toward a common goal. It’s very important that you frame your separation as an opportunity to work TOGETHER. That is why the term “overcome” is misplaced. To get in the right mindset, we’ll need to replace that phrase with something else. Let’s try to substitute the word “grow” for the word “overcome.”

Switch To A Growth Mindset: From my own experience, my attitude and my actions changed dramatically when I stopped thinking that I must conquer the separation and started to ask myself how I could grow from the separation so that it worked for me rather than against me. Also, moving toward a growth mindset allowed me to think kindly about my spouse. When I was able to see the separation as an opportunity to improve things so that we would both emerge happier, then I could also drop my resentment and anger toward my husband. As you can imagine, this change in attitude was welcome and, as a result, my husband became more receptive to me. Believe me when I say that you will eventually need a receptive spouse in order to save (and then maintain) your marriage for the long haul.

Understand That You Don’t Need An Immediate Resolution: There is a real danger in wanting the separation to be over before it has accomplished any real growth or change. I understand this desire because it is exactly what I wanted. I hoped to just put a bandaid on my marriage and go on my merry way. However, now that I have a bit of hindsight, I realize that if I had been successful with this, I would likely be divorced today. That is why it is important to tell yourself that this a process, not a quick destination. Thinking long term allows you to take the time you need to bring about real change. Authentic, sustainable change is what saves a marriage. Quick fixes do not.

Believe That You Will Be Okay: When you believe that you have to overcome the separation, you take on a desperate mindset and are more likely to partake in unbecoming behaviors that will make you seem less attractive to your husband. It’s very important that you believe in yourself during this process. Build yourself up in whatever way is necessary so that you can honestly say that even if this process does not get resolved in a timely or orderly fashion, you are still going to be okay. You are strong. And this process may mean that you’ll learn the lessons to make you a better version of yourself.

Flipping the script in this way allows you to come from a place of strength rather than a place of weakness. It allows you to use a situation that you did not choose for your own advantage. It allows you to squeeze positivity out of a situation that, at first glance, looks very negative.

Demand Eventual Transformation: Make this separation work for you. I understand that you did not choose it. And believe me, I know that it is a very lonely and scary place to be. But if you dwell on those things, you make a permanent separation or divorce more likely. So you may as well embrace this process since it might actually improve your marriage if you learn from it. You may as well not suffer the uncertainty and loneliness for nothing. Consider it the price that you will pay for improvement and growth.

In short, you don’t survive or overcome a separation, you work it until you squeeze transformation out of it. You flip the switch so that you triumph rather than merely survive.  I know that my pep talk may sound like a tall order, but I needed this mindset to save my marriage.  Without it, I would have gotten a divorce.  The whole story is here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Having your husband leave can be one of the most catastrophic things you ever face. It’s normal to try to console yourself with the thought that, one day soon, he’s going to feel regret about his actions. He’s going to be sorry for walking out that door. And yet, when you wait for him to return and nothing happens, you wonder if you were wrong. Perhaps he’s not going to feel any regret after all. Or, if he does, he will only feel it when it is too late to matter.

Someone may say, “Everyone told me that my husband would eventually regret leaving me. They tell me that I’m a wonderful wife and he is lucky to have me. I was so despondent when he left for a trial separation. But all of my friends and family assured me that if I gave him a little time, he would eventually regret his actions and would come home. I consoled myself with this thought. When things got bad between us and he eventually left, I thought ‘well, if I wait just a little while, the regret is going to come.’ But it hasn’t. We have been separated for months now. And my husband doesn’t appear to have any more regret than he did in the first week we separated. He seems to be living his best life, relieved that he’s not responsible for me anymore. Everyone tells me to continue to be patient. But how much longer is this going to take? When do husbands feel regret? When do you typically begin to see the signs? Because I’m starting to think that my husband is not going to feel an ounce of regret until he is on his deathbed and looking back over his past mistakes. Or until we’ve both married other people and are miserable.  If either of these happens, it will be too late for either of us.”

Take An Honest Look At Your Stance: I completely understand your thought process. I had the same fears. And frankly, it DID take my husband far too long to regret our separation. (I did not want it. He did.) However, if I am being fair, I must admit that part of the reason for the delay was my own behavior. My husband wanted time away and “space.” But my insecurity and impatience meant that I wasn’t willing to give it. So I pushed. I begged for reassurance. I feared that he didn’t miss me at all.  Unfortunately, all of the pressure I applied inspired him to avoid me because I kept wanting more than he wanted from me at the time. So no, he didn’t regret separating from me at all – at least at first. Because I wasn’t allowing him any separation at all, he just wanted MORE space between us – not less.

Things only changed once I reluctantly gave him his space. So, if you are in the same situation, consider backing off some so that he has the time to ponder and to miss you. Without this, you can’t get the results that you want. Assuming that you are not making the same mistakes that I did, the remorse that you are looking for could be right around the corner. Please know that everyone is different. And of course, you do occasionally have husbands who never feel regret, but many do.

Here are five examples of when it most often happens.

1. When He Realizes You Were Not The Problem: Many husbands initiate separation or a request for “space” when they feel the walls of their life closing in. However, sometimes, this is due to other issues outside of their marriage. They can’t see this at the time, however. It is easier to blame someone or something else. So they separate and they are quite sure that this action is going to fix everything. However, when time has passed and they find that they are still miserable, they start to realize that throwing their marriage away wasn’t the answer. And not only do they have no solution, but they have caused more problems than they started with.

2. When He Misses You Or Your Life Together: This one can take longer to materialize (sometimes because we do not give him space.) Also, he may initially enjoy his freedom or think that there is relief in not fighting all of the time. But, eventually, many husbands begin to miss that cozy life they had with their wives. They miss having someone else who is so intimately aware of and involved in their life. They will often have something happen at work or during the course of their day. They want to come home and share it with their wife and they realize that they can’t because they pushed her away.

3. When He Gains Perspective On The Issues That Divided You: People often separate once their most problematic issues reach a head. At this point, things seem pretty unbearable and it can feel as if separating is the only way to get relief. When things get this bad, it can feel as if your problems are insurmountable. However, time and distance have a way of providing perspective. Husbands begin to realize that they played a part in your marital issues and therefore, they can also play a part in fixing them.

4. When He Sees That You Are Independent, Coping, And May Eventually Have Other Options: This one is going to be difficult to explain. But it has to be said. When I was clingy, desperate, and begging, I’m sure that my husband saw me as less attractive. Frankly, I was a bit pathetic and I have no doubt that my behavior made him want me less, not more. However, luckily, I corrected my mistakes. And I eventually learned to project an image of strength and hope. This made my husband see me as a capable person again and he treated me as such. Suddenly, we were able to communicate like adults. Also, I learned to keep myself busy and to start socializing with people who cared about me. This showed my husband that I had options other than to wait around for him. And this put a little hurry in his step to reach out to me again.

5. When Enough Time Has Passed: We all want to reconcile as soon as possible. But often, a husband’s changing perspective comes in time. How much time is very individual. Some husbands gain perspective more quickly than others. Others lag behind a little. It’s very easy to become impatient and to push, but I promise that if you do, it’s more likely that you are delaying his regret rather than hurrying it along. Most husbands do gain greater perspective as the separation continues on, but only if you maintain a positive relationship with them and give the space and the time to happen.

As I alluded to, it took my husband quite a long time to regret our separation.  Eventually, though, he not only regretted it, he worked with me to undo it.  We reconciled, but only after I completely changed strategies.  The rest of that story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: One of the many concerns that some wives have about a marital separation is the cost. Often, money or finances is at least one issue that the couple is trying to work past. So, in light of this, how does the additional costs of separation not make things worse?

Someone might ask, “my husband insists on separating. I can only assume that he plans to move out. We live in a pretty expensive part of town, which is necessary for our jobs. Our home is a pretty big chunk of our budget and we often argue about money. I really do not understand how he thinks that we can afford to separate. I want to go to counseling, but there’s no way that we can swing that if we are paying for two homes. Plus, if we are stretched more financially, then I feel like this will put even more pressure on our marriage. It seems like my husband is determined to do this no matter how much it puts us in peril. How can I make him see that we cannot afford to separate?”

Crunching The Numbers: You can certainly make (and then show) him a spreadsheet of your income versus an estimate of the cost of two households. However, I would caution you to be prepared that he may wish to forge ahead anyway. Sometimes, when husbands convince themselves that they need space, they will not stop until they get it.

Offering Alternatives: Sometimes, it helps to offer up alternatives to give him the perception of getting what he wants while you maintain your financial footing. First, offer a fair look at your monthly income and then a view of how much two households might cost. That will show your husband that you may have to go into debt to make that situation work. Worse, the longer that you are separated, the further in debt you may become.

So what are your options? You could attempt to make the argument that counseling is the much cheaper option. However, not all men will agree to this. If he is one hundred percent set on living separately, then you may have to get creative. The easiest option is to live separately under the same roof. This can definitely be a challenge. You’d have to agree to strict boundaries and respect them. However, this option allows you to keep your household budget pretty much intact.

Another option is to find an alternative to his paying to live somewhere else. He may have friends or family who can spare a room for a short period of time. And if he fears that he will wear out his welcome, the two of you could alternate this agreement, with you staying somewhere else for some of the time while he lives in your home.

Many people don’t like this idea because it means that friends or family will know about your marital problems (which is why you’d need to seek out someone compassionate and understanding for this plan to work.)

Suggest A Delay To Work On Your Marriage: If none of these options appeal to your husband, but he can see how financially taxing a separation might be, I would take the opportunity to ask if he would be willing to wait a set period of time before moving out. Ask him if you can agree to try to work on your marriage for say, two months before he takes the drastic and expensive option of moving out. At best, this might allow you to work things out and not separate after all. At worst, you’re only delaying the separation for a few months, which certainly seems reasonable.

Your Attitude And Presentation Is Vital To Your Success: It’s very important that you keep your demeanor agreeable and open. You want to approach him as someone who wants to help him get what he needs in a way that doesn’t make your financial situation worse. You have to be careful that he doesn’t misinterpret this as your just using the money issues to avoid separation. To make this process seem as authentic as possible, be willing to stand behind the alternatives discussed above. Know that these conversations and alternatives may not avoid a separation, but they may at least buy you a little time or give you a separation that doesn’t cause more damage than needed.

Make sure he understands that you are trying to work with him for the sake of both of your financial futures. If you are accommodating, hopefully, he will follow suit.

I honestly did not push hard enough for these options during my own separation.  We did live apart and we almost got a divorce.  I finally got my husband back once I got a workable plan, but there was much pain and delay before I finally got my act together.  The rest of the story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people are stumped about how to address social media when they have decided to separate from their spouse. Often, they don’t have any idea how long the separation will last. And they are unsure about what they should tell others while the separation is ongoing. Should you change your status from married to “other?” Should you wish your spouse a “happy birthday” on social media while you are separated? If so, should you just pretend that everything is normal? Should you try to go above and beyond so that your spouse will see that you are doing everything in your power to make things right? As you can imagine, these issues can be tricky.

Someone might ask about a situation like this one: “I suppose that my husband and I are officially separated. We haven’t taken any legal action whatsoever. But he is staying with his brother while we try to sort things out with our marriage. We haven’t told many people. Our family knows. Our closest friends know. Social media is not something that we sat and down and discussed. We are just pretty private. His birthday is coming up. In the past, I have posted a throwback picture on social media for special occasions. I don’t do this every time. But I’m worried that if I avoid it, he will read something into it. But I worry that if I do post, he will read something into that, too. I’m also concerned that if I post the dang picture, someone will make a comment or ask a question about the separation and I don’t want that, either. How are you supposed to handle social media during a separation? I’ve seen people change their status, but that always feels like overstepping to me.”

Don’t Deviate From Your Norm: The wife in this situation appears to have a very firm grasp on what feels wrong to her and that is a great place to start. When I was separated, I learned to listen to prioritize what was “right” for me, not others. At the end of the day, I agree that it often feels inauthentic to change your social media comfort levels and habits during a separation. If you are a private person who rarely engages with social media, then it is going to feel off to suddenly bare your soul about your personal relationships.

Guard Your Privacy: It can be uncomfortable and painful to have to answer questions from others when it comes to your separation. This can be especially true if the separation is open-ended and evolving. In my view, when you post things on social media, you are just inviting the type of questions and speculation that you wanted to avoid in the first place. If you’re not verbally telling other people about your separation and are choosing to keep it private, then it seems like a no-brainer that you would do the same on social media.

In truth, your marriage (and separation) is a private matter. It is no one else’s business so there is no reason to feel compelled to put your marriage on display for social media. Most people who truly care for you will understand this.

Communication Is Key: As far as the birthday shout out, that’s really up to you and your own comfort level. You could certainly do a very similar throwback post to what you have done before without anyone being the wiser, assuming that no one is going to post a comment that will spill the beans, and therefore require a response or a defense from you.

If this is at all a possibility, then it may be better just to go with a personal card, gift, or get-together with your separated spouse. That way, your husband will certainly know that you are thinking about him without including social media. There’s nothing wrong with just telling your husband the truth: “I was considering posting a throwback on social media but I wanted to avoid any questions or confusion from other people. I am only mentioning this now because I want you to know why I’m not posting. I absolutely do care and I want to celebrate you like I always do. I just don’t want for either of us to have to field any questions.”

Ask Yourself What Is At Risk: I have a friend that absolutely avoided posting any allusion to her separation on social media because, quite frankly, she did not want for other women to take that information and make moves on her separated husband. I know that this may seem like paranoia to some. But quite frankly, sometimes, you can never be too careful. If posting and then worrying about other women gave this wife one more thing to worry about at a time that was already stressful, then honestly – why risk it?

You don’t owe anyone any information. And you should do what makes you comfortable and lessens your stress. By communicating with your husband and agreeing on how you will both handle social media, you can avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings. As long as the two of you agree, that is really all that matters. Anyone who is truly a friend or caring family member really should understand.

It can be fun to share the happenings in our lives on social media, but your marriage is sacred. And when it’s struggling, it only makes sense to protect it and to only worry about the two of you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this and you do not need to apologize for doing what makes you comfortable and what you feel is the safest thing for your situation.

I know that this a volatile time.  If it helps, there’s more information about how I managed my own separation here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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