Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I know the feeling that many wives have when their husband is about to walk out the door to pursue a break or separation. There can be a sense of panic. You can feel desperate. And you are more likely to say or do something that you might regret.

This article will outline the things that I wish I had said. Now that my separation has long been over, I have some insights that I could not have possibly had then. If you suspect that your husband is going to leave you, it may be prudent to think about what you will say BEFORE you are actually in that situation. What you say at the very beginning of your separation (or even when your husband may be still thinking about one) can set the tone for the entire time you spend apart. So here are some suggestions.

“Why Don’t We Take Some Space At Home?”: I always feel it is worth a try to attempt to get your husband to take some space or seek a pause at home.  It is easier to save your marriage if you have access to your husband. I know it’s a bummer to go to a spare bedroom, but this is better than him living somewhere else. Consider this a preventative or pre-emptive measure. Offer to give him the time and space he needs so that things can cool down. The next words and phrases assume that your husband rejected the space at home and actually wants to leave or move out for a while.

“Please Let Me Know When You Get There.” It is no fun sitting all alone and wondering what happens next. However, what is worse is feeling this way but not knowing where your husband is or whether he has arrived safely. Try to establish that he will contact you when he has arrived at wherever he is staying. This sets a precedent for open communication and means that you don’t have one more thing to worry about.

“May I Check-In With You Every Couple Of Days? How Do You Want To Communicate?” One of the most important things that you can do right now is to suggest regular communication. It is very common to find that a troublesome amount of time has gone by without hearing from your husband. Before you know it, weeks may have passed without a word. When you aren’t in regular communication, you can begin to make dangerous assumptions that may not be true. It’s very important to stay in touch with one another, so anything that you can do to begin this process is helpful.

It also helps to establish your husband’s preferred method of communication. We used a variety of communications depending on how things were going (talking on the phone, meeting in person, emails, texts, etc.) But, get your husband’s input on which methods he prefers the most. That way, you won’t over-analyze things if he repetitively uses one method as a rejection.

“I Am Here For You And I Want You To Be Happy.” I know how tempting it is to demand to know why your husband is pursuing a separation. Doesn’t he know how much this hurts you? I said these very words and they came back to bite me. When you try to make your husband feel guilty or remorseful, all this does is bring up negative feelings and defensiveness. It’s important that he feels at ease with you so that he doesn’t avoid you during the separation. When he thinks of you, you want him to have positive feelings and to realize that he misses you. So reminding him that you love him and want the best for him is a much better option than having his last memory of you be a negative one.

Things To Discuss After The Dust Settles: I believe that the phrases outlined above are the most important. I have only listed four because you are likely to be rushed and the day may be very emotional. The less you have to remember, the better. It can be best to keep things simple. However, after a few weeks, you can try to push for counseling or at least regular communication.

It is important to work toward some goals during your separation. When you take a “wait and see” approach, it’s not uncommon for you to drift apart as nothing happens and you aren’t regularly communicating. The ideal situation is to have a weekly therapy appointment where you know you’re going to see your spouse. But, this is not possible for everyone. In lieu of this, after the dust settles, ask your spouse if you can meet for dinner every Friday, attend church together on Sundays, or regularly see one another. If he won’t agree to in-person meetings, ask for phone calls at a specific time. That way, no matter how the week goes, you will always have time to re-group and touch base with one another.

When long chunks of time go by with no communication, the chances for a reconciliation dim since people tend to assume the worst or distance begins to take hold.

Don’t feel that you have to address every marital issue that you have immediately. Frankly, in the early stages of a separation, your marriage is on shaky ground. You don’t want to scrutinize your relationship so much that it crumbles under the weight of this. Instead, just begin by trying to establish an easy rapport and a base from which you can later build.

To do this, you may need to be more accommodating than you feel like being. I know that I am asking much of you, but it’s so important that your husband wants to reach out to you rather than to retreat. Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way and I’m trying to keep others from making the same mistakes.  You can read more about how I finally got it together and reconciled with my husband here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Many separated wives worry about their husbands. Yes, they have plenty of reasons to worry about themselves. They, too, are hurting. They, too, are struggling. But, as they look around at the situation, they know that they are still themselves. But they cannot say the same about their husbands.

Someone might explain, “my husband and I have only been separated for about six weeks. However, it might as well as be six years, because our lives have changed so much. My husband used to be a kind man, a patient man, and very optimistic. Now he is extremely impatient, grouchy, and paranoid. We could always talk about anything, and now it is like pulling teeth to get him to confide in me about anything. He is borderline secretive. I know that we are separated, so I can’t expect for him to share everything with me, but he acts as if we are mere friends or acquaintances. I actually saw him lash out at a waitress at dinner the other night, which is something that he would never do. He was extremely rude and borderline condescending. However, when I tell him that he is not acting like himself, he gets extremely angry and defensive. I am worried about him. But he won’t let me help him. He denies that there is even a problem.”

I know how frustrating this must be. It is not uncommon for people dealing with a stressful issue (like a separation) to have personal struggles that manifest themselves as personality changes. I will admit that I was at my absolute worst when I was separated. My husband actually became kinder – to everyone but me. I believe that a break in the drama of our relationship was a relief to him, at least initially. But to me, it was devastating. That said, we did reconcile, (there’s more about that here) so seeing these types of personality changes does not always mean that your marriage is doomed. Below, I will go over some reasons that you might be seeing these behavioral changes and offer suggestions on how to handle them.

The Possibility of Detachment: Many people distance themselves from emotionally difficult situations as a defense mechanism or as a form of self-preservation. Perhaps your husband wants to back away from life right now because he doesn’t want to be hurt. Some people release their grip on their marriage when that same marriage is in jeopardy. This isn’t always a conscious decision, but it is a way to strike first. If you back away from the thing you fear losing, then it may hurt a little less.

Acting Out of Frustration And Negative Emotions: Another possibility is that your husband is acting out of the frustration he feels about his life changing dramatically. Although he may have even wanted the separation (or at least felt that it was needed,) that doesn’t mean that he isn’t lonely or frightened right now. Many people assume that as soon as the separation is official, it’s party time. The assumption is that the spouse who wanted the separation will now sow their wild oats or throw parties. Sometimes, the opposite is true. A separation can be incredibly scary and lonely. This can make even kind, patient people lash out as they struggle with the uncertainty that a separation can bring. The good news is that these personality changes are not typically permanent. As life stabilizes and hopefully your relationship improves, his behavior will become familiar to you again.

Unresolved Anger: The final possibility that I’d like to bring up is anger. If your separation has been nasty or the reason for the break is some sort of mistake or bad behavior, then your husband may be harboring anger and resentment, which you are now seeing in his behaviors. Fortunately, if you can mend your relationship, his behavior toward you (and others) may improve. I was very angry during my own separation because I felt rejected by my husband. And I took it out on nearly everyone in my life – even people who I loved and who had nothing whatsoever to do with my marriage. I did begin to recover long before my husband and I reconciled. But once we were back together, I was fully back to being myself. I am not exactly proud of my behavior, but I am being honest to demonstrate that it’s not unusual to see changes in behavior during stressful times.

How To Best Handle This: You have already seen that confronting your husband about his behavior only results in him being angry or denying it altogether. Therefore, it does no good to try to prove that you are right or to offer up examples of how he has “changed.” My husband tried this strategy with me and all it did was make me defensive. I was not thinking rationally at the time and there was no way that I was going to say, “you know, you’re absolutely right. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I am going to act correctly right away. I apologize for any inconvenience.” I know that this sounds sarcastic and silly, but I am trying to demonstrate that one’s mindset in this situation may not be rational or normal. So dealing with this in the way that you would normally deal with problematic behaviors may not work.

Instead, you can try to control the contributing factors surrounding you and your separation – the uncertainty, any nastiness, and anything left unsaid between you. Ultimately, all you can control is your part. You can’t control your husband’s inner life, his work, or his own thoughts. That is up to him. But you can try to lighten his load in areas that you control. And then you can be as supportive as possible while you wait for your situation to improve. When this happens, his behavior should improve.  The rest of my story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I would never pretend that my marital separation was not one of the most painful periods of my life. It absolutely was. But, during the latter part of it, I learned to let go of attachments and expectations. This change in thinking eventually helped with my reconciliation. Looking back now, I wish I’d used some of the targeted tactics that I employ today to alleviate my pain and unhappiness. Below, I’ll explain some of these tactics in the hopes that it may help anyone who is struggling through a separation.

Examine Any Negative Underlying Beliefs: Without a doubt, the biggest assumptions that drove my behavior were: “Things are never going to change. My husband probably doesn’t love me anymore and I’m going to end up divorced and alone.” These fears clouded every single move I made. They caused me to constantly either hound my husband for reassurances or to lash out at him out of anger. As you might imagine, this behavior did not improve my marriage. Thankfully, I eventually learned to question my assumptions. Who said that things would never change? Only my husband knew how he felt about me and, frankly, his feelings often changed. So who was I to guess at this? And in truth, no one can predict the future, yet I was acting like a had a crystal ball. When I forced myself to challenge these underlying beliefs, my suffering lessened and my behavior changed.

Do Not Get Into the Habit Of Engagement Or Rumination: These two things probably caused most of my anxiety and turmoil during my own separation. As I alluded to above, I was very prone to focusing on the negative. So one poor conversation or interaction with my husband would set me off for days. Rather than just shrugging it off and telling myself I’d look for improvements next time, I’d run the conversation through my head countless times, only upsetting myself further when I could change nothing. I’d write in my journal and focus on what went wrong. So I would go round and round in my own misery. And I couldn’t figure out why journaling made me feel worse instead of better (until I learned to do therapeutic journaling instead of ruminative journaling.) If you catch yourself with these circular thoughts, figure out how to distract yourself to stop the loop. I would go for a jog, listen to classical music, clean my house, or call a friend to stop myself from continuing the cycle.

Understand That We Need The Lows To Appreciate The Highs: There were days during my separation where I felt rage because I was frustrated that nothing ever went right. In truth, I was focused on the negative, so I didn’t notice when things went my way. Eventually, a very astute therapist told me that my expectations were unrealistic. She said that everyone’s life is a mix of good and bad. (Yes, everyone.) Sure, there are periods of time when the balance of good and bad is tilted. But, life would be pretty dull if we had sunshine and rainbows every single day. Imagine if you got straight A’s or aced your work projects without ever having to struggle or work hard. Eventually, you’d no longer feel the joy of a job well done because your success took no effort at all. It is the lows that make the highs feel so good. You can only appreciate the good times when you have also felt the bad. I know that you are tired of the bad. But life has a way of balancing out, so the good is likely just ahead.

Try To Detach Yourself From A Set Outcome: Unfortunately for me, I was extremely specific about my desired outcome during my own separation. I would think to myself, “I’d like to be reconciled by my mom’s birthday because I don’t want to go to her party by myself.” Of course, my mom’s birthday came and went and we were not reconciled. So I used that as one more opportunity to feel defeat and negativity. Life is going to be much easier if you are hopeful but open-minded. The better way for me to view my mother’s birthday would have been, “I’d like to be reconciled by my mother’s birthday. But if not, I can certainly attend a gathering with people who love me alone. And I’d rather have a lasting reconciliation than a rushed one. Everything will happen in the time frame that it is supposed to.” If my mind had been open, my behavior toward my husband may have been more positive and I would have gotten my reconciliation earlier. (You can read about when (and how) I actually got it at http://isavedmymarriage.com)

Learn To Find Contentment With What Is: I know how badly you probably want your husband back. I did too. But my constantly pushing against this desire made it less likely to come true. I have learned to go with the tide instead of against it. No matter what your circumstances, you can always find contentment if you focus on the ways that you are lucky. Yes, I was separated, and that was a painful situation. It changed my life in unfortunate ways. But, I still had my life. I still had my family. I still had my friends. And my work. And my health. And the ability to see, hear and feel. And enough food in my kitchen as well as a roof over my head. I had books that I suddenly had the time to read. I had a sharp mind that I was able to use to learn new things. Thankfully, I have gotten in the habit of keeping daily tabs on what is going right in my life instead of what is going wrong. Yes, there will always be a mix of good and bad. But often, our feelings reflect our thoughts. And we can CHOOSE where to focus our thoughts. Once you realize that, everything changes. I hope that this article was helpful.

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Before I write another word, I want to stress that if you think that you may be depressed, I urge you to see your doctor or a therapist (or to reach out to the countless free mental health or depression helplines available in nearly every community or online.)  I am not a doctor, and I don’t mean for this article to do anything more than to make you aware that even upbeat, optimistic people can experience symptoms of depression during their marital separation (or at other stressful periods of their life.) It’s very important to be aware of this possibility. Many of us feel sadness while separated. I know that I sure did. Not only is this to be expected, but it is normal. However, some of us begin with sadness and end up experiencing some depression. This article will cover the clinical criteria for the same so that you can reach out to your doctor and a support system if you meet these criteria. It will also offer some tips that can hopefully help you boost your mood in the meantime.

Here is my understanding of the criteria for depression:

Depression Diagnostic Criteria: There are eight symptoms on the DSM-5 Diagnostic Criteria for depression.  They are: 

• Depressed mood most of the time, nearly every day.
• Less interest (or pleasure in) your day-to-day activities.
• Significant weight loss or gain when you are not trying to change your weight, or an increase or decrease in your appetite.
• A slowing down of thought with the reduction of physical movement (observable by others)
• Loss of energy or feeling tired, nearly every day.
• An inability to think, concentrate, focus, or make decisions, nearly every day.
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, nearly every day. 
• Thoughts of death or suicidal ideation. 

For a diagnosis, one would have at least five of these symptoms over at least two weeks. One of the symptoms would need to be either depressed mood or loss of pleasure or interest. And the symptoms would be severe enough to impair functioning.

That said, to me, experiencing any of these symptoms for even a short period of time is painful. Looking back now, I was definitely depressed during my own separation. (There’s more about that at http://isavedmymarriage.com) And I waited far too long to get help. I don’t want this for anyone else. If you are affected by any of these symptoms, please reach out to your doctor or therapist, and surround yourself with a support system of family, friends, co-workers, or classmates. Isolation is the last thing you need when you feel down. Here are a few other things that might lift your spirits in the meantime. What works for me may not be the ticket for you, but work with your doctor or therapist and keep trying new things until you hit the sweet spot of feeling better.

Physical Activity: Hand down, moving was the most helpful thing for me. I had issues sleeping and exercise was the only thing that helped me sleep better. Now, as much as I love yoga and pilates, what I needed at the time was an aerobic activity that made me break a sweat. I jogged. I power walked. I tried Crossfit and I really enjoyed kickboxing. Find what you enjoy and try to aim for half an hour or more a day. I know that some days you may have to force yourself, but I never regretted exercise afterward.

Step Up Involvement in Meaningful Connections: When you feel down, the last thing you want to do is to ruminate by yourself. However, when you spend time alone, it’s incredibly easy to get stuck in a loop of rumination. To avoid this, spend time with loved ones, volunteer, join a group, or find other ways to get out and spend your time on something that is meaningful to you. Keeping yourself busy with a higher purpose is an effective way to force yourself to stop stewing. You simply won’t have the time and space to do it. 

Get Outside: Clinical studies have shown a correlation between sadness and a lack of sunlight in some people. If you can exercise outside, you’re actually accomplishing two things that may enhance your mood. Some people who live in climates with less sunlight have success with the lightboxes that have become popular (and are readily available) today. I didn’t try these because I tried to exercise outside when I could. But get small amounts of sunlight however you can. (Of course, use sun protection for your skin.)

Use Only Positive Ways To Distract Yourself: When I found myself in a negative thought loop, I found it very helpful to be deliberate with my next action. I found that watching too much mindless TV, spending time on social media, or endlessly scrolling news feeds actually made me feel worse. So I learned to distract myself in more healthy ways. I learned to knit and crochet. (Both activities are incredibly soothing and there are countless YouTube videos to teach you.) I practiced yoga. I re-read classic books. I found new (but positive) podcasts to enjoy. Distracting yourself is a good thing when you are stuck in negativity – but only if you are distracting yourself with positive (or at least neutral) activities. 

Practice Gratitude: It’s so easy to focus on what is wrong when you are separated. But I’ll bet that plenty of other things are right. I trained myself to record three things I was grateful for into an app. I liked to go back over my lists when I felt down. Doing this forced me to look for the good in every day. I know that there are days when you may feel that you have to reach to be thankful. But look around. Not everyone can see or enjoy the beauty of the sky, the warmth of the sun, the sound of the rain, or the feel of the ground beneath your feet. Get into the habit of recording these gifts (I even sometimes took pictures of the things I was recording.) Making this a habit greatly upped my mood over time.

I don’t intend for any of these tips to replace the care and advice of your doctor or therapist. Instead, I offer relatively simple and free activities that helped me. I hope that they may help you in addition to any other protocol you are using. 

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Understandably, many wives who are worried about their marital status will flat our ask their husband to save that same marriage. Typically, both parties know that the marriage is in trouble, but sometimes, only one spouse is openly invested in saving it.

A wife might say, “I know that my marriage is in serious jeopardy. We are not officially separated, but my husband has started spending nights at his office or with his siblings. I suspect my husband is looking for a way out of our marriage. So I decided that my best strategy was to directly ask him to save our marriage. I made a special dinner. I tried to be playful and charming. And then I asked him if he would work with me to rescue our marriage. He looked away. He would not even look me in the eye, and then he abruptly changed the subject. He went back to small talk and then he left. I do not know how I will save my marriage if my husband is not even willing to have a conversation about it. Is my marriage over?”

Not necessarily. No one has filed for divorce. No divorce decree has been signed. You are still married, at least for now. This means that you have some time to try different strategies. That said if your husband is reluctant to commit to saving your marriage, you may have to work around his resistance. I will offer some strategies for this below.

Why He Won’t Commit To An Open Discussion: Many wives worry that their husband’s lack of eye contact or commitment during discussions about saving your marriage means that he isn’t interested. This is not necessarily true. Hie spending time away from home indicates that he’s admittedly torn right now. As the current situation stands, he may have some reservations about fully committing. However, the situation can change. You can bring about the change in circumstances that may, in turn, change his mind about your marriage.

Eye contact is a sign of intimacy and willingness. If your marriage is struggling, then it makes sense that both of these things might be lacking right now. However, that doesn’t mean that he will always feel this way. This does not mean that he will always be reluctant.

If He Won’t Talk About It, Don’t Ask For His Permission: I know it would be reassuring for your husband to have an honest conversation about saving your marriage. It would be even better if he would fully get on board and do his part. However, if that is not your reality right now, don’t give up. Nothing says that you can’t try to save your marriage without having a deep discussion about it. There is plenty that you can do by yourself for now. Conversations will be easier once things improve.

Change Those Things You Can Control: Sometimes, when I encourage wives of reluctant husbands to work on saving their marriage themselves, I get a blank stare. Doesn’t it take two people to save a marriage? Yes and no. Of course, it would be ideal if both people would participate. But, in the beginning, this isn’t always possible. When there is only one person committed to saving the marriage, then that person can get to work. Right now.

How do you do this? You identify your biggest issues and you ask yourself if there is anything that you alone can do to make that better. For example, in my own marriage, some of our biggest issues were our lack of intimacy (we’d just gotten into a rut,) my own struggles, and some stressful outside issues that were no one’s fault.

Obviously, I had direct control over my own struggles. I was in a very high-stress job at the time and I was not handling this well. As a result, I would come home exhausted and on-edge. My husband would try to help, but I would lash out at everyone. In truth, it was not my husband’s responsibility to alleviate my stress and to make me more happy with life. This was something that I alone had to do. And so I did. I worked very hard on myself and this greatly helped our chances for reconciliation.

I could not change our stressful issues. But I could change my approach toward them and my reaction to them. I could become more of a support system for my husband. This shift was also very helpful.

In terms of our intimacy, my husband was not initially invested in saving our marriage. In fact, we separated. So, I was limited. However, I tried very hard to be open, accommodating, and supportive every time we interacted with one another. I admit that I wasn’t always successful because sometimes I would pressure my husband (a habit I learned to break.) But my goal was for my husband to be comfortable enough around me that we could eventually build upon this and, very slowly and gradually, rebuild the intimacy. Of course, we were only completely successful once he got onboard. But, I like to believe that my open stance led the way. (And we reconciled and are still married. If it helps, that story is here: http://isavedmymarriage.com)

I hope this article has shown that even if your husband isn’t falling over himself to save your marriage (and won’t even look at you or talk about it) neither means that you are stuck. There is plenty that you can do in the meantime. Identify your biggest problems and then control what you can.

As your situation improves, I suspect your husband will be much more likely to both look at you and to help you save your marriage. Sometimes, he just needs to see what is possible to become open to change. Good luck!

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Occasionally, I check the stats for this blog to tell me which types of articles visitors most enjoy. This information helps me when I sit down to write future articles. However, in doing this research, I’ve noticed something that sometimes concerns me. Many visitors come by daily. Or even multiple times per day. At first glance, I am thrilled by this. The fact that visitors find the content helpful enough to return is confirmation that I’m doing something right, at least some of the time.

However, this information also gives me pause. It causes me concern that some readers may be experiencing pain by ruminating on the day-to-day turmoil of their separation. In other words, it’s possible that, like me, they are clinging too tightly. What do I mean by this? Well, I can tell you from my own experience during my separation that it’s very easy to allow your marital status to become the only thing on which you are focused.

This can be an issue when other aspects of your life can’t grow and prosper because you’re too focused on what is wrong in your life instead of pursuing what is right.

As a result, you are always coming from a place of want, desperation, and discouragement. And, in my own experience, this mindset is not healthy.

Why You May Want To Take An Occasional Break From Your Separation: I know firsthand the danger of holding on too tightly. When I was separated, I measured my day on how my husband reacted to me. Or on whether I thought my marriage had improved. If either evaluation was negative, then my day was ruined. Even if I had a wonderful day at work, or if friends had milestones worthy of celebration, I was too focused on my own struggling marriage to notice.

Eventually, not only was my marriage struggling but so were my other relationships and my sense of well-being. Of course, I don’t expect for anyone to ignore the pain of their separation. That isn’t realistic. However, I also know that it is very possible to allow the disappointment of your separation to invade all areas of your life.

Why A Balanced Perspective Is Important: Daily obsessions about your separation can become a vicious cycle. In my hard-won opinion, you need to be upbeat and optimistic during your separation. Having a positive attitude makes you more agreeable and attractive to your husband and makes a compromise so much easier. It’s hard to keep a positive attitude when you stress out about your separation day after day.

I found that when I clung too much, my pessimism negatively impacted the way that I interacted with my husband, my boss, my friends, and my family.

Ironically, things got so bad that I threw up my hands. This forced me to take a break. I traveled to visit family, which meant that I was forced not to focus on my husband as much. Understand that the break was not willpower or a brilliant plan on my part. It was only because I’d messed up so much that it was my only way to back up somewhat gracefully.

But you know what? It drastically improved things. That tiny break eventually meant that my husband was more open to me. And it allowed me a bit of a reset. Both of these things were vital to our recovery. (You can read that entire story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

How To Take Even A Small Break: It’s best if you choose your breaks, rather than having them choose you (as I did.) Constructive ways to back away are to make plans with friends, to pursue hobbies or take a class, or to dabble in self-discovery or self-improvement. Make unbreakable commitments and then follow through. However, be careful that any self-improvement isn’t just a disguised way to fix your marriage. Yes, strengthening yourself will always help your marriage. But you should seek it for yourself as much as for your marriage.

If you check in with your spouse each day, then stop there. Have a quick check-in and then go about the rest of your day productively. If you have a bad time of it, know that tomorrow is another day. Regroup and try again. One bad day or interaction with your spouse is rarely going to crush any chance of reconciliation. But it can feel that way when you cling too tightly.

I hope this article is taken in the way I intended it. My hope is for visitors to feel uplifted and hopeful. I’m grateful when anyone comes back and re-visits my articles. But I also hope that your life is full and filled with joyful activities outside of this. If not, get busy actively living your life. I’ll wait. And so will your separation.

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Many people are reluctantly separated. Many of them only accepted a separation because it was clear their spouse would not be talked out of his desire to separate – at least for a while. And, for many, separation is a better alternative than going straight for a divorce. So while these folks reluctantly agreed to live separately and pause their marriage, they aren’t overly optimistic about the future, either. Many of them worry that they will eventually end up alone because their separated spouse will never come back. Understandably, this causes fear, anxiety, and dread.

Someone might ask, “How are you supposed to deal with unrelenting fears about your future while separated? My separation is not going as well as I’d hoped. My husband does not make himself available to me. He keeps to himself. So I don’t feel like we are making enough progress. I’m too scared to ask him if or when he’s coming home, but I doubt it will be any time soon. I’m starting to fear that he won’t ever come back. Six weeks ago, I never would have believed such a reality would be possible. And yet, that’s the way that it looks. So I’m currently struggling with overwhelming fear. I worry about being alone. I worry about how horrible life will be as a single person. I worry about my family. These concerns are affecting my mental status and quality of life. How do you cope with the fear that your separated husband will never come home?”

I’m going to be honest. Maintaining a healthy mindset while dealing with a separation is a huge challenge. Your marriage is probably one of the most important relationships in your life – if not THE most important. When this relationship feels as if it is at risk, that hurts. I struggled greatly with such fears. But eventually, I learned that my mindset was not only holding me back personally, but it was also decreasing the odds that I would reconcile my marriage. Below are the most important things I learned about overcoming the fear that the separation will never end.

Understand The Characteristics Of Emotional Fear: It took way too much time before I understood that there are important differences between real danger and fear. True danger is when you step off a curb and see an-out-of control vehicle heading toward you. Obviously, you have a very primitive reason to feel legitimate fear. Humans are hard-wired to feel afraid as a means of self-preservation.

However, the type of fear we are talking about during a separation is emotional fear. We may have the same pounding heart and racing pulse that we’d have on that curb. But we are in no immediate danger. In fact, we may be safe in our beds with our jumbled thoughts and debilitating fears.

So what makes us feel such panic anyway? The unknown. We don’t know how (or if) this separation will end. But we know one possibility is divorce. So we begin to turn our attention to the thing we fear. Therefore, we give these thoughts huge amounts of power. Sometimes, that power causes rumination where we get in a loop of pessimistic thoughts and can’t find our way out.

It’s important to understand that the fear is composed of your thoughts. The fear is not a real, physical thing that can cause you harm. It’s all in your head, which does give you some power over it.

Challenge Any Pessimistic Assumptions: I understand that you feel as if your separation is not going as planned. I felt the same way. But I eventually did reconcile with my husband after much time and after no one thought it was possible. Every sign was telling me that my marriage was a lost cause. I was certain that eventually, I’d give up. But I was wrong. No one knows what the future holds.

Yes, maybe things don’t look great right now. But things change. When you start having thoughts such as, “I’m going to be all alone.” Or “I will end up divorced,” stop yourself. Don’t allow that loop to continue. You have not been served with finalized divorce papers. You still have time to work this out. There is no need to panic and stew in worry. Instead, change your thought to something that is both optimistic and believable, like, “I feel scared, but I have no idea what next week or next month will bring.  The coming days could actually be positive.”

Always Turn Toward Growth: I know that you don’t care about self-improvement right now. You just want your regular life back. I understand because I too just wanted to feel normal again. However, it eventually became clear that sitting around and worrying was doing me no good. I was spending all of my time stuck and assuming a bleak future. Needless to say, few people want to spend time with someone like this.

So eventually, I had no choice but to start living my life again. And when I did, I tried very hard to improve that life. Gradually, I found that staying active and constructively filling my time meant that I dwelled on my problems less intensely. As a result, my attitude and outlook greatly improved. It was probably no coincidence that this is about the time my husband became receptive to me again.

I hope I’ve shown you why it’s so important to break the pattern of fear. You must stop the loop of pessimistic thinking so that you can allow a break in the clouds.

Experiment with the actions and behaviors that make you feel better and then do them over and over again until they are a habit. Do not wallow in the worry, as tempting as that might feel. Confide in friends and family and ask them to get you out of the house or to regularly chat and offer reassurance. But don’t just talk about your separation. Expand your world so that it is not your only focus. In my experience, doing so actually improves your marital situation because you’re no longer focusing on fear and negativity.  You can read the story of how I turned my separation around on my blog here.

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Many separated wives want more time with their separated husbands. Often, because he has requested space, he can be distant during this time. However, some husbands are willing to spend substantial amounts of time with their separated wives. Unfortunately, many of these husbands are careful to stop there. There are happy to spend time together but won’t make any sort of commitment beyond this. Understandably, wives can be confused and frustrated by this process.

A wife might explain, “for the last two weeks, my separated husband has come over nearly every night. Initially, I was thrilled about this. We have been enjoying ourselves in ways we haven’t in a while. We are runners who usually work out together. So my husband comes over, and we run. Sometimes, we share dinner and conversation. However, last night I asked my husband to please commit to saving our marriage. We obviously enjoy being together. His response to me was that he ‘couldn’t commit to that right now.’ I was a bit shocked. What is he doing coming over all the time? Does he just want a run buddy and nothing else? I don’t want to complain too much. It’s not as if I have other things to do and I wouldn’t want to spend my evenings with anyone else. However, if he isn’t sure that we will be married in the future, why waste his time on me? My husband isn’t the sort of person who usually plays mind games. I don’t think he is trying to hurt me. I just don’t think he wants to be held to our marriage right now and this is devastating to me. What should I do?”

You can probably give yourself the best, most honest answers to this question. However, as a wife who was separated and who also had a somewhat reluctant husband, I am happy to share some insights that may help.

Understanding The Mindset of A Separated Husband: I don’t know this husband. But many separated husbands are open to the idea of ONE DAY reconciling. However, most want an undefined time frame. Why? It’s not always that they want to live life as a single person or that they don’t want their marriage. Sometimes, they are waiting to see if the changes you are in the process of making will stick. And they also may be waiting to see if you continue to get along well.

In short, they want a little more reassurance that reconciliation is going to be successful. And, that is not unreasonable. Because statistically speaking, every time a couple separates, the chances that they will have a successful marriage decreases. So, it is definitely beneficial to get this right the first time.

Evaluating How To Handle This In The Right Way: Where to go from here depends on what you want and your perceptions of your husband’s motivations. If you feel taken advantage of or as if he isn’t respecting that you may have other obligations or interests, then you can certainly pull back some so that you’re not seeing him every night.

During my own separation, I did find it helpful to not be available every time my husband reached out. A perception of scarcity can work in your favor when you are careful with it. However, you do need to be very careful because luring your husband back is a delicate balance. Very often, he feels enthusiastic about coming back once he has seen gradual, sustained improvements. I hear from wives who struggle to achieve this because they rarely see their separated husband. (And this is his choice.) So, your having liberal access to your husband is a big advantage. You have to be careful to keep that advantage.

Inching Toward What You Really Want: Obviously, you want to transform your “hanging out” into something more. But since your husband has refused to commit to that process, you’ll need to tread lightly. It is common for your husband to back away some if he thinks you are pressuring him. So, in the immediate future, dial back on any pressure and continue to enjoy carefree time together.

Casually continue to ask him to stay for dinner, but don’t panic if he declines. Continue on like this until it is clear that you are both comfortable and willing with the current scenario. Hopefully, he will then take the lead. If not, when it is safe and welcome to do so, suggest going somewhere other than your home and then stay with that scenario until that is very comfortable. Then, keep elevating your time together until it is obvious that reconciliation is what you both enthusiastically want.

My rule of thumb was that if I had to ask about reconciliation, the time was not right. I forced myself to wait until my husband mentioned it. But by then, it was pretty obvious that we were getting back together. Still, he’d had negative reactions every time I pushed. So I had learned not to press my luck.

Looking back, it was beneficial for us to move at a gradual pace. If we had resumed our marriage in the time frame I wanted, we may not have been successful. However, by proceeding with caution, we were able to iron out the rough spots and re-evaluate what didn’t work for us. As a result, by the time my husband moved back in, we were both confident that we were on solid footing and neither of us had doubts. I knew that my husband truly and sincerely wanted to be with me. And that felt wonderful. You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Many separated wives are lucky enough to have a husband who still feels somewhat responsible for her and for the household. To that end, the husband will often regularly return home to complete household tasks and responsibilities. The wives are often grateful for these gestures. It’s hard enough being alone, but it would be even more difficult to handle all of the household chores too. However, despite her gratitude, she often wonders what this all means. Is there some meaning in his taking on this role?

A wife might say, “I am not complaining. But my separated husband comes home every weekend to play with the dog and mow the lawn. Our dog is like our child. I think that my husband misses him as much as he does me. I have been encouraged that my husband comes home every weekend, even if only for a few hours. I’ve asked him to let me make him dinner to say thank you, but he always declines. However, I was talking to my sister-in-law about this and her response was, ‘just because he feels responsible for you doesn’t mean that he wants you back.’ I wasn’t sure how to take this. My husband does not confide in his sister. So she probably doesn’t know what he is thinking or feeling. But, is she right? Do most separated husbands take care of these tasks? Are my experiences nothing special? Are they not a good sign?”

I would like to think this wife was seeing positive signs. Not all separated husbands carry on with household responsibilities. When we separated, my husband kept some tasks and hired out others. As things improved between us, he began to take on a more active role.

The Positive Implications In Your Husband Regularly Coming Home: As I see it, the husband felt comfortable enough to regularly return home and spend time with the animal the couple shared. And he felt responsible enough to want to care for the grass. These are both positive indications. Plus, the fact that the husband still saw the home as partially his responsibility could have meant that he doesn’t see the current situation (or separation) as permanent. It may also mean that he feels protective of and empathy for his wife – which are vital traits to have during a separation. That said, it could also mean that he’s just a decent guy. You won’t know for sure until you wait and see how this plays out. But it’s certainly better than him letting the wife mow the lawn herself.

And his wanting to see the dog could mean that he still associates the home with an emotional pull. This is also a positive. If the husband thought overwhelmingly negatively about the wife or the home, he might ask to bring the dog to his place once a week. He isn’t, which would indicate that he’s comfortable with her presence.

Sure, he isn’t agreeing to dinner right now and the wife shouldn’t push that. But regular contact is very important. Even better,  the wife is in a situation where she knows that she will see him on weekends. This is more than some wives experience. So, for now, be appreciative when he’s over and offer to reciprocate in any way he’ll let you. Because you never know where this might lead.

When To Be Careful: I believe that the sister-in-law in this situation was overly pessimistic. However, she brings up a fair point. Although it’s very normal to want to analyze a husband’s behavior, don’t overdo it. Otherwise, he may feel uncomfortable with the scrutiny or raised hopes and stop coming so often.

For now, I’d suggest just continuing on. It’s easier to build upon a positive situation like this one than to overstep and then have to start all over. (I say this from unfortunate experience. It took me a long time to rebuild my husband’s receptiveness to me when I overstepped.) Continue to make sure that your husband is comfortable when he visits and then if you have the opportunity for more, take it. But do not push for it until he is receptive.

Just try to keep the weekends positive so that eventually, he looks forward to visiting everyone in the home (including the dog.)  There’s nothing wrong with making sure that you look your best and are also on your best behavior each weekend. But respect any boundaries that he sets and allow him to take the lead as to when things progress forward.

To answer the original question, I do think it’s a great sign for a husband to return home to care for the home and even to see the dog. Anything that facilitates regular and positive communication is positive. And this gives you something to gradually build upon. That said, don’t turn a positive into a negative by overanalyzing or applying pressure. Yes, these are good signs, but they alone do not mean reconciliation. However, you can use this as a good first step to a longer road toward saving your marriage.  If it helps, there’s more about how I reconciled my own marriage after separation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s common for me to hear from people who are dealing with an unhappy spouse or an unhappy marriage. Rebuilding contentment in your marriage is challenging enough, but the challenge can feel insurmountable when your spouse expresses doubt about your ability to be a happy couple going forward. Often, we promise counseling, marital changes, or personal improvement. But our spouse is still unconvinced that happiness is possible in our marriage.

Someone may say, “I think my husband is going to pursue a separation. He hasn’t taken any action yet. But last night, we were talking about our marriage, and I told my husband that I just wanted to be happy like we used to be. His response to me was that he isn’t sure that we can be happy. I asked him why he would make that comment. And he said that he believes that we are two different people and that our marriage has deteriorated too much. I do not buy this, and I told him so. We have been happy before. We can be again. He just looked and me and shook his head when I tried to convince him of this. I suspect he doesn’t want to believe me so that he can pursue his midlife crisis. What does it take for a struggling couple to be happy in their marriage?”

I believe that the best answer to this question is two-fold. Many attributes make a marriage happy. Male or female, most people obtain contentment from similar things. I will discuss them below. I also will explain the extra steps you may need to take if you are separated (or about to be.) Because you will have more to overcome to reach happiness again. Don’t worry. It’s not impossible.

What Most Contributes To Happiness In Any Marriage?: When I was trying to save my own marriage (which thankfully, I eventually did,) I heavily researched this topic. I also discussed it with therapists and couples who’d been happily married for decades. Experts and regular people seemed to have similar answers.

First, they all stressed that no couple is happy all of the time. Life brings challenges to all us. And all marriages have ebbs and flows. However, truly content couples are confident that better days are ahead because they know that they are in this for the long haul.

As a general rule, couples can be happy even when they have very different personalities, lifestyles, and outlooks. Their commitment to their relationship and their love for their partner matter more to them than their differences, so they work around them. In some cases, their differences spice things up. Happy couples respect one another, work as a team, and make their relationship a priority regardless of what is happening around them.

This doesn’t mean that there aren’t struggles or conflict. There certainly can be. But they try to navigate them with flexibility and respect. They know that love is a verb. Sometimes, it is something you do, not something you feel. Sometimes, you have to doggedly pursue it rather than expecting it to come to you.

Two Key Skills For Rebuilding Happiness: I can only speak for myself. But during my research, I came to believe (and I later confirmed this hypothesis in my own separation,) that intimacy and listening were the two most impactful improvements for struggling marriages. I theorized that couples who are madly in love but in a new marriage tend to work out their problems without much fanfare. Why? Because they have strong intimacy. They haven’t yet developed resentment and disappointment. They are so focused on the bond between them that they can overlook the rest.

Sure, you can’t return to the beginning of your relationship, but if you can boost intimacy and closeness, you are halfway home. When you are more focused on the positives of your relationship than on its problems, then the sailing feels much more smooth.

Second, if you can become a better listener, I can nearly guarantee that your partner will feel happier. People pay others to listen to them. People cheat on their spouse when they feel someone else is listening to them. People seek out friends who are good listeners. Do everything in your power to actively listen without judgment. Become your spouse’s place to unload.

Good listeners are also better negotiators because they deeply understand what the other person wants and needs. This is important in positively handling conflict and will pay huge marital benefits.

I did many things to save (and keep) my marriage. But these two improvements yielded the largest improvements in happiness by far.

Key Behaviors: As I alluded to earlier, when you are separated (or could be) you’ll have a few more steps to happiness. Try very hard to focus on what still works between you and your spouse and build upon that.

Be open, approachable, and flexible. If your separated spouse is uncomfortable around you, this is a huge issue to overcome. The first step is to increase comfort. The second step is to increase intimacy. You may have to do this slowly and gradually as your spouse becomes more and more receptive.

Don’t Get Discouraged: I know how difficult it is to hear your spouse say he doesn’t foresee a happy future. But, he isn’t psychic. He can’t predict the future. Once you put a few changes into place, he may see that contentment and true happiness are possible.

Many of the couples I spoke with had difficult times. They are no less happy today because of them. You only shut down the possibility for happiness when you stop trying.  I’m so glad I never stopped trying.  You can read about how I got my marriage back here.

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