Leslie Cane Articles

Many husbands who initiate a separation are fairly confident about their wives’ level of commitment during it. After all, it is the husband who wanted to separate in the first place. Since many wives don’t want any marital break, we often assume that the wife will cling to her marriage for dear life, and there is nothing to change this. Some wives concede that, in their case, this assumption is true, while others are very resentful of any such implication.

For example, one wife might explain, “my husband is being a bit of a jerk during our separation. He only makes himself available when he feels like it and he’s very cold to me at times. Sometimes he acts angry with me, but when I confront him, he reassures me that I’ve done nothing wrong and that he is not angry. He says that we are separated and I can’t always expect him to act loving toward me. I told him that if this goes on endlessly, his attitude is going to drive me away. His response to me was that ‘I will never let him go,’ no matter what. So he seems to believe that I can’t make demands about his behavior. He insists that I need to give this process some time.”

Another way this can play out is the wife who says, “if I am being honest with myself, I have to admit that my husband does not give me any reason at all to have hope for my marriage. He has not yet filed for divorce, but he does not maintain regular contact with me. The other day, he told me that he was concerned about me because I am usually such an upbeat person, but lately, he can tell that I’m quite pessimistic and unhappy. He asked if I was going to be okay, regardless of what happens between us. I assured him that I would. He sighed and told me that he didn’t believe me because he doesn’t think I can ever let our marriage go. I was not sure how to respond. I mean, in my heart, I probably will not let my love for him go. But if he files for divorce, I do not see how I will have any choice. I do not know what to make of his words. I feel like he wants out of this marriage and my just letting go would make things easier for him. But I can’t turn off my feelings.”

The Husband May Be Correctly Observing His Wife’s Feelings. But Her Path Forward Is Her Choice: In each of these situations, the husband is making assumptions about how the wife will react to her feelings moving forward. I understand that husbands know their wives better than almost anyone. But, quite frankly, the only one who the wife should have to answer to is herself when her feelings are concerned. She should decide her own path forward. It is not up to her husband as to whether she is able to let him go or not. Sure, he can end the marriage and no longer physically live with his wife.

But as to where she lives in her heart, that is up to her.

Opinions Based On Experience: I make the statement above because my husband often commented that he knew that I would not give up on our marriage. Sometimes, he said this in an accusatory tone, as if my loyalty and determination were detriments. But, I knew that I could not just shut down my feelings. I knew that I owned my feelings. Sure, I wasn’t always going to act on them because doing so sometimes scared my husband away. But they were mine and I held tight to them.

Dealing With Arrogant Behavior: I’m glad I hung in there because I am still married today. If I’d allowed my husband to sway me, I would be divorced. But I held on and eventually he came around. This did not mean that I allowed him to treat me however he wanted. Admittedly, I tried to be light-hearted and agreeable so that he wouldn’t avoid me. But if he did something extremely hurtful or confusing, I would certainly ask to discuss it and explain why it hurt me. To be honest, these discussions didn’t always stop his behavior. Frankly, I think that, like me, he was feeling his way in a new life. Neither of us was on our best behavior because we were afraid, frustrated, and lashing out.

I know that I am projecting my own experience into this article, but I do think everyone has a right to her own authentic feelings. Sure, if your access to your husband changes, your grip will have to loosen. That is common sense. But your heart will have its own say. How you feel can change over time, but you have every right to let yourself feel and experience this at your own pace. Yes, it takes two people to participate in an active marriage.

But your feelings? Those are yours alone. And moving on? That is your decision and no one else’s. Yes, you can move on physically, but your heart is your own business. And you never know. I am aware of a handful of couples who reconciled after a divorce. And those wives are grateful that they didn’t turn their backs on their hearts, but this is a very individual decision that is yours alone to make.

Although your feelings are yours alone, your actions should usually be made based on what gives you the highest percentage of getting what you want (which in this case is a reconciliation.) Check your feelings if they are causing you to act in any way that makes a reconciliation less, not more, likely.  If it helps, you can read about how I tried to tow this line at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Sometimes I hear from wives who refer to their separated spouses as “runaway husbands.” I can’t help it. I always get a weird mental picture from this phrase. I picture a grown man with a knapsack thrown across his shoulder, slinking away in the dead of the night. I suppose “running away” is a phrase that I most commonly associate with children. Nonetheless, plenty of spouses do leave their homes to pursue a break from their marriages. And their significant others understandably want to know if and when their husband is going to return home.

Someone might say, “in my neighborhood alone, six husbands have decided to just take off on their wives in the last three months alone. I don’t understand this. Not one of them has come home. They vary in age. One is a newly-wed. Another is retired. They don’t seem to have much in common other than they were unhappy enough to run away and leave their wives. Many of us have formed a sort of support group and several of us are actively trying to get our husbands home without much luck. Is there any common theme about why and when they come home? What do the ones who return home have in common?”

As you have probably already surmised, there isn’t a lot of statistics about this. The reasons that the husbands come back is as varied as the husbands (and their reasons for leaving) themselves. Below, I will go over some of their more common reasons for returning.

He Realizes He Was Wrong: Some husbands leave abruptly, without giving their wives times to discuss it and without thinking it through. While some of these husbands may make a valiant attempt to live on their own, many come to realize that their assumptions about their wives or about their marriages were inaccurate or unfair. So, whether they admit to it or not, they come home because they realize that their thinking, and their actions, were flawed.

He Wants To Give Your Marriage A Fair Try Before Making A Permanent Break: Some husbands aren’t sure if they are returning for good. All that they know is that before they can pursue any divorce in good faith, they have to make a decent attempt to at least try to work on your marriage. Many believe that if they give this their best effort and it still doesn’t work, at least they can walk away with their heads held high because they will know that they tried everything that they could.

He’s Tired Of Running: Often, “running away” is an act of desperation made during a time of high emotion. People generally do not make good decisions in such circumstances. Fortunately, many people reverse course once they have calmed down and can see things more clearly. This may be the case with a husband who comes home once he realizes that his leaving was way overdone.

He Missed You And Yearned For Home: Sometimes, it really is as simple as a husband getting a taste of living on his own and realizing that he much prefers the stability and comfort of living with his spouse. Many spouses figure out that the grass is not as green as they thought once they actually experience life on their own.

It’s The Path Of Least Resistance: I’ve had wives tell me that their runaway husbands later admitted that they returned home simply because it was just easier. They didn’t have this great epiphany or determine that they were desperate to reconcile with their wife. Rather, they were too lazy or apathetic to do anything other than take the easiest option – to simply return home. While many wives are grateful to have them home, know that if you do not speak up or insist upon it, it’s possible that nothing will change with your marriage and no new improvements will be made.

New Beginnings Or The Status Quo?: How you react to your husband’s return often depends on what you want to happen with your marriage. If you are still invested and want to reconcile, then honestly, does it really matter why he returned home? Sure, it isn’t ideal if he’s home for a reason other than he now knows how much he loves and values you and the marriage. Yes, there will be more work to do if one of you is more motivated than the other. But it is not impossible.

My husband would not return home until he was sure he wanted to reconcile with me. I would have taken him any way that I could have gotten him. (You can read about that draining process here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

And once he even became remotely receptive to connecting with me again, I was thinking about what I could do to improve our relationship and myself to give us the best chance to have a new marriage that would thrive.

It’s very tempting to just carry on with the status quo when he comes home. But I believe that you are really selling yourself (and your marriage) short when you do this. Having him leave stinks. It can be so lonely and discouraging. So make sure that something good comes out of it and that your suffering was worth it by using this as a chance to greatly improve your situation.

My separation was a very painful time for me, but I have to admit that it gave me a much better marriage than I had initially. In that way, I made it work for me so that it wasn’t just a waste of time and a needlessly painful experience.  You can read about my entire experience at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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If you are dealing with a martial separation, chances are that you probably are not at your personal best. What I mean by that is that someone is more likely to seek separation if they are personally struggling than if they are on top of their game. So it makes sense that many people will say that they want to take the time to sort themselves out during the separation.

Yet, this is the excuse that many spouses will give for not agreeing to a reconciliation once their spouse is ready to do so. Someone might explain, “when my husband initiated our separation, I honestly thought (and still believe) that he was going through a midlife crisis. And he admitted that he needed “to figure out what he wanted from his life,” during our separation. It sure appears to me that he has worked very hard to accomplish this. He has pursued new passions. He has made new friends. He has switched churches. He spends less time with toxic family members and co-workers. It’s as if he is rejecting many things from his previous life. That said, he does seem happier and more functional now. And, because of his new level of satisfaction, we have been getting along better. But when I mention even talking about a reconciliation, he cuts me off and says something like, ‘I can’t even think about that until I get myself figured out. I can’t take good care of you until I can take good care of myself.’ I responded by telling him that I can take of myself, as I’ve been doing this entire time we’ve been separated. His reply was that he is sure that he hasn’t finished ‘working on himself’ and won’t talk about reconciling until then. I am at a loss. What if he plans to work on himself endlessly? Am I just supposed to sit around and wait? Is this just a lame excuse so that he doesn’t have to reconcile with me? No one is perfect, but it’s almost as if he believes that his life is going to be on hold until it is close to perfect as possible.”

Living Around It: I definitely don’t think you have to put your life on hold and wait. It took me far too long to figure out that you can live well while you are separated – even if you still love your husband and even when you still desperately want to reconcile.

My husband had a similar stance – he wanted to make absolutely sure that any attempt at reconciliation would work, so he took his sweet time watching and waiting. This was infuriating and frustrating to me at the time, but now I realize that he was absolutely correct. If we had rushed (as I’d wanted to,) we would have hit much more turbulence than we did. We may not be together today.

I’m not implying that you’re trying to rush it, but I am stressing that a gradual pace is usually quite beneficial.

Focusing On Improvements Rather Than Delays: It seems clear that things between you and your husband have improved and that overall, he is happier. These are both positive changes that not everyone gets to enjoy. Don’t take either for granted. I did not have either of these things for quite a while. Luckily, you can build upon this foundation to move even closer to a reconciliation. It’s very easy to focus on your shattered time frame. It is harder to focus on the fact that you are gradually moving toward your goal, even if it is not on the schedule you would have wanted.

Hacking Time: I know that waiting can be excruciating. The key, at least for me, was not to focus on time – but on progress. I finally realized that I had most of what I wanted. I had a husband who would take my calls and spend time with me again. (Sometimes, he even showed me affection.) I had re-booted my own life so I was spending more time on the people and things I cared about. I began taking care of my body and mind again because I simply had more time to spend on myself.

Once you look at this time as an investment that you can enjoy rather than a time that you must endure, everything changes. It’s not nearly as hard to wait when you shift your mindset, and your husband will likely appreciate your patience.

I learned the hard way that pressuring and rushing a separated husband is not the way to endear him to you. I know that you are afraid that he is making excuses, but the fact that he’s willing to spend time with you detracts from that theory. If he were making excuses, he would likely also be avoiding you.

I know that waiting is difficult. I went through it also. But now that I have been successfully reconciled for quite some time, I can see the benefit of taking our time and ensuring that both of us were the strongest versions of ourselves. The healthier the individuals, the healthier the marriage. And we all want a healthy marriage.  If it helps, you can read about my own reconciliation here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I believe that many wives have this fantasy that any time they mention the “d-word,” their husbands will fall over themselves and argue to stay together. Unfortunately, this is not a reality for many of us. Some wives have husbands who are indifferent and who will tell you that if you want to pursue a divorce, go for it. Occasionally, I’ll hear from someone whose husband has “dared” her to divorce him.

She might explain, “my husband and I have been on shaky ground lately, and we had a stupid fight. I don’t even remember what it was about. But in the heat of the moment, I blurted out, ‘We are so different. We should just divorce.’ I’d uttered similar phrases before, and my husband’s response would be to tell me not to talk nonsense or to dismiss me in some other way. But during that fight, he responded with, “I dare you to divorce me.” I was stunned and I could think of no response to this. I just stormed out of the room. I’ve talked to some of our mutual friends about this. But none of us can figure out why he’d make a dare like this. Why would a husband dare you to divorce him? Is he egging me on and trying to inspire me to pursue a divorce?”

Fear As Motivator: There are many possible reasons for him to dare you in this way. And which one is correct will truly depend upon your husband’s personality and the circumstances surrounding his proclamation. In general, however, aggressive, nasty phrases that sound like veiled threats (such as this one) are often based on fear. He’s hoping to scare you out of doing what he doesn’t want you to do (which in this case might be pursuing a divorce.) However, since you were in the middle of a heated argument, saying something like “I don’t want a divorce, please don’t divorce me,” is not something that many men would say.

Anger: Another possibility is that your husband was quite angry, as you were in the middle of a heated conversation. He might have perceived that you were attempting to hurt or punish him with the threat of divorce, so his dare back at you was his attempt to answer your tone with what he perceived to be a similar one.

A Reminder Of How Good You Have It: Sometimes, people make statements like this when they think you are overreacting or they believe that your behavior is overblown. He may be trying to get you to see that you would be much more unhappy divorced than you are married, even with your struggles. In other words, he is trying to imply that the grass will not be not greener when you are divorced.

A Glimpse Into The Future: Another possibility (although I think that this is a less likely one,) is that he wants to know that, should you pursue a divorce, he’s going to fight you every step of the way, or at least not make things easy for you. Whether he wants to discourage you from a divorce or is just lashing out is very difficult to say.

How To React To His “Dare:” I think that you were right to leave before you responded with words that you may later regret. However, moving forward, you will want to ask yourself WHY you had such a strong reaction to this dare. And why did you mention divorce in the first place? Were you just angry and trying to shock him to pay attention? Do you legitimately want a divorce? Or were you hoping that he would try to talk you out of one?

Healing Wounds And Digging Deep: Since you are confused and upset by his response, I will assume that you actually do not want a divorce. If this is the case, you will need to come up with a response that makes things better instead of worse. You might try something like, “I want to clarify that I didn’t mean what I said the other day. I do not want a divorce. I said that out of panic and anger. I hope that your dare was also made out of panic and frustration. We both let our temper get the best of us, but I should not have brought up ending our marriage. Instead of making threats that we don’t mean, can we sit down and try to figure out what is behind our frustration? Perhaps then we could start healing and stop hurting one another. I love you and I want you to be a source of happiness for you, not a source of pain. Will you work with me?”

His response will tell you an awful lot about his “dare.” If he accepts your apology and concedes that he too, spoke without thinking, then the best way forward is to dwell on fixing what is broken, not on what was said in the past. However, if he is slow to accept your apology or to offer his own, you may have a little more work to do. But that doesn’t mean that you will necessarily end up divorced. I learned the hard way that there is plenty that you can do to save your marriage when you feel like you are the only one who cares enough to try. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are not yet separated, but who worry that a separation may occur in the future. Many of these wives can feel their husbands’ interest and affection slipping away.

One of them might say something like this, “my husband and I actually became closer when we became parents. We had our children very close together and we really had to work as a team. However, now that our children are school-aged, my husband seems to have completely lost interest in them.  He spends less and less time at home as a family. He also seems to have lost interest in me. He makes every excuse he can to spend more time at work or with his friends. Sometimes, the kids will say or do something and I will literally see him cringe. My children are not naughty. Their behavior is typical of their age, but my husband doesn’t get this. I worry about our marriage. He seems so disinterested. What is to keep him from coming home someday soon and telling me that he wants out? He seems to actually resent his responsibility to us so I doubt he is going to feel enough loyalty and responsibility to stay.”

This is a very valid concern. The vast majority of women who I dialog with (who have also dealt with a separation) can pinpoint precisely when they began to feel their husband pulling away (myself included.) Sure, we try to convince ourselves that we are just imagining things or that our husband will come back around, but this is sometimes wishful thinking. The distance can absolutely lead to a separation, so it is very smart to address the distance as soon as you notice it.

Carving Out Enough Time To Make A Difference And Address Underlying Resentment: Often, when husbands begin to pull away from their children, it can be at least in part because of underlying resentment. The husband usually does not even realize that he feels this resentment. But, somewhere along the way, he can’t help but notice that his wife spends a huge amount of time tending the children and less time on him. He may also resent that, because of family life, there is little time to kick back and have fun. Yes, he may love his children deeply. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss the life that he had with his wife before children. This doesn’t make him a bad guy, and this problem is most definitely solvable.

It’s very important to make time for the two of you – alone. I understand hating the idea of leaving your kids with someone else. But look at it this way – taking this time is going to be very beneficial to your children if it means that their parents have a stronger marriage and that their family remains intact.

I realize that you may be thinking, “my husband is avoiding me like the plague right now. How am I going to make him go out with me?” Sometimes, it is better if you don’t really give him a choice. It could work like this: one night your husband will come home from work thinking that it’s going to be a typical night. When he comes inside, announce that you’ve arranged a night out for just the two of you. Make sure you plan fun activities so that you can keep things light. You are not looking to have deep conversations during these outings, at least at first. You want to have fun with and re-connect with your husband.

Do this as many times as is necessary so that it becomes a habit that you BOTH look forward to. I realize that this requires you to take the initiative and be vulnerable. But, I wish I’d done this. I might have avoided a long and painful separation.

The Trickle-Down Theory: You may also be thinking, “even if fix my marriage, that won’t necessarily make my husband invested in our kids again.” I respectfully disagree and I’d at least stress that working on your marriage is a good start toward working on your family.

A man who feels fulfilled and taken care of in his marriage is going to have much more to give to his kids because love, and not resentment, will become his primary emotion.

If you’ve improved your marriage and you still notice a distance from his kids, then you may have to use the same method, this time with the kids. Schedule time for your husband to have with them alone. Schedule fun family outings so that you always have something to look forward to.

Never forget that although you may be in a rut right now, you are a family and that bond may go a long way toward healing this rift. Once you can turn drudgery and resentment into excitement and intimacy, there is a very good chance that your husband may become engaged in family life and marriage once again. If it helps, you can read about how I got the intimacy back in my marriage (during a separation, no less) by using this strategy: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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This is the time of year when we all look around and evaluate how we live our lives and invest in our relationships. This is the season of resolutions and sweeping improvements. So it is no wonder that January is the time of year when many of us focus on our unhappiness with our marriage – or at least set out to improve it.

This is a very admirable goal. Having a healthy relationship with the most important person in your life is vital. Unfortunately, sometimes our spouses do not share our enthusiasm. Sometimes, when you approach your husband about the problems that you’d like to address, he will deny that there are any real problems. Or, he will validate your perception of the problems, but he will stop there, unwilling to actively address or work on the problems.

Someone might say, “over the past year, my husband and I have had several serious issues that worry me. I’m so concerned that a separation may be in our future. So, I made a list of all of the issues I think that we need to work on. For example, I’ve included money, sex, apathy, lack of communication, and a lack of empathy. Some days, I am struggling and suffering and my husband does not even notice. My friends and my sister will immediately ask me what is wrong but my husband doesn’t even bother. Any of these issues on their own are enough to cause concern, but together, they are extremely worrisome. How do I get him to acknowledge our problems and then work on them?”

Managing Your Mindset: I do not believe that this situation is impossible. I had to navigate a situation that was very similar to this during my own separation. Before I offer specifics, I want to stress that it’s vital that you adjust your mindset and expectations. I don’t say this to discourage you, but I learned from experience that your actions are directly tied to your beliefs and your expectations. So, adjusting your mindset will help you to formulate the correct behaviors.

You mustn’t expect too much too soon. You’ve given your husband a lengthy list of issues, which may be overwhelming. It will take time for him to process this list, much less address every item on it. If you push for a speedy time frame, he may feel so overwhelmed that he gives up before he even starts.

Some Perspective: I know that telling you to be patient is akin to telling you to embrace mediocrity. But, hear me out. Imagine how you would feel if your boss came into your office and dropped a long list of places where you were falling short in your job performance. Imagine that she didn’t offer constructive criticism or specifics. Instead, she generally told you that your work was sub-par in multiple areas and that you needed to address every single one of these vague items immediately.

How would you feel? I would feel defensive and overwhelmed. I might give her a half-hearted effort in a few key areas and wait for her response before I attempted more adjustments. But, if she had limited her criticism to a few specific things and then defined what progress looked like, my reaction would be different. I would respond much more quickly and with much more enthusiasm. And, if she noticed and then praised my efforts, then I would go out of my way to ask if there was anything else I could address.

Here’s another example. We have all babysat or cared for a misbehaving child, and then have become frustrated and barked out a bunch of demands, such as: “I will not listen to any more of this. Finish your dinner. Clean your room. Apologize to your sister.” What was the child’s response? Probably to break down in tears and to stop in place.

I tell you both of these anecdotes to demonstrate how easy it is for people to become overwhelmed and frozen in the face of criticism – even when you are careful to not sound as if you are criticizing.

Easing Him Into Improvements: I learned that the most efficient way to get your husband to change a behavior is to first demonstrate the behavior yourself. The first issue this wife listed was money. So, if you want your spouse to spend less money, find a way to do that yourself and then announce it. For example, you’d say, “I’ve decided that I’m making coffee at home and not buying any on the way to work. I’d like to get our finances in order this year.” He may immediately offer a comparable sacrifice of his own. Or, you may catch him in a thrifty moment. When you do, praise him.

Here’s another example regarding sex. The best way to initiate a productive discussion about this is to initiate sex yourself. Afterward, tell him how much you miss the intimacy between you. You may have to do this a few times before he begins to initiate it on his own. But you should see enthusiastic improvement without needing to make demands.

I know that it may seem as if you are the one doing all the work with this method. But really, you are only having to take the initiative in the beginning. Eventually, he will get on board and he will be enthusiastic rather than reluctant or resentful. This really is about getting what you want and using the most efficient methods to get it.

Yes, this may mean that you have to work gradually and address one issue at a time. But it also means that you will get what you want without having a defensive husband who is dragging his feet every step of the way.

I had to use this method during my separation. And yes, it was gradual and the changes didn’t always come as quickly as I would have liked. But they did come. And we are happily married today. So it was worth it.  The whole story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: You might think your New Year’s Resolution is unique. After all, millions of people vow to lose weight, make more money, or get organized. But how many resolve to save their marriage or get their spouse back? This resolution probably isn’t as rare as you assume. Since marriage is among our most important relationships, some of us will fight for it.

Gradual, Small Resolutions Are More Likely To Stick. Here is another way where this resolution isn’t all that different from most. I can tell you from experience that gradual, lasting changes in your marriage or in any reconciliation strategy are more likely to work. We all fantasize about huge, dramatic changes that force our husband to take notice. But, sometimes these dramatic changes backfire. They don’t work; they don’t last, and they either scare our husband or he has doubt or reluctance. Instead, the small, gradual changes are not only more believable, but they are also more sustainable and more effective.

Personal Changes Are More Important Than Changes To Your Marriage Or Reconciliation Strategy. I know that you want to fix your marriage. But if your husband is (or might be) gone, your marriage is fragile. And fragile marriages struggle even more when you place them under scrutiny or try to tear them down before you build them back on. Since you should be making gradual changes in your marriage, make the biggest changes to yourself. Strengthen your resolve, your character, and your own happiness. All will indirectly benefit your marriage or reconciliation. Separated spouses often notice and appreciate positive changes. And feeling better about yourself makes this process a little more bearable.

Break It Down. Saving your marriage or getting your husband back is a huge goal. It can feel daunting and overwhelming. So like any large task, breaking it down into small, manageable steps can make life easier. Instead of vowing to get him back in short order, vow to improve your interactions. You’re more likely to have success and to gain important momentum. With improved interactions, vow to slowly re-build intimacy and comfort. Once that’s done, strive for more frequent interactions. As you can see, this is a gradual process. But since the steps are small and achievable, you are more likely to continue and to have success.

Accept Half Victories. We all fantasize about a present husband who is once again madly in love. And, we may get this eventually. But in the meantime, we may get a halfway enthusiastic husband who is unsure but trying. This is okay. As long as you’re still in the game, enthusiastically accept what the situation gives you. Sure, we all want the happily ever after tomorrow. But we might only get content right this second. Again, you may have to wait or accept a fraction of what you want. But as long as you hang in there, you might eventually reach your goal.

Remember What’s Simple. One of the biggest secrets to saving or getting back your marriage is memories. I don’t mean remembering your most important days or occasions. I mean remembering what brought you together in the first place. It’s the commitment to band together in both good times and bad. It’s the man who stood by you when you were at your worst. It’s the couple who were never perfect but who was enough. It’s so important to remember and embrace the little things because this is the stuff of marriage. It’s not the memorable days or the rare romantic occasions. It’s the two people enjoying morning cereal or nighttime TV together. When you embrace those simple things, reconciliation is much more achievable.

Focus On The Good. When you want your marriage back, it’s normal to want to “fix.” And fixing means erasing the bad. Naturally, you will focus on broken things during this process. Unfortunately, this negative focus can hurt your progress. I’m not saying you won’t have to fix things, but when you are just starting out, it’s perfectly fine to focus on the good.

Don’t Get Discouraged. This may sound simplistic, but you only lose when you quit. People often ask if it’s “too late” to get their husband back. The next question would be if their husband was still breathing. If he is, the answer is no. Sure, it may not be easy. It may take time and some finesse. You may have to come at him from different angles and try various strategies. But if you have perseverance and patience, this is doable. If you are not yet ready to give up, don’t. Take this day by day and then week by week. And then month by month. Hopefully, but this time next year, you will have achieved your goal and saved your marriage.  You can read about how I gradually and successfully saved my own marriage at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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It’s usually a good idea to try to set some ground rules before you begin your trial or marital separation. Having a clear understanding of what is going to happen can help you avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Unfortunately, it’s common for each spouse to have a very different perception of “ground rules.” Usually, the spouse who wanted the separation will attempt to use the rules to limit contact, especially at first. And the spouse who wants to save the marriage will want rules that allow for more contact. This can leave both people frustrated and tempted to “just wait and see” when an agreement can’t be reached.

Someone might explain, “I am very reluctant about the trial separation that my husband wants. However, he has made it very clear that this is going to happen regardless of how I feel about it. I have asked him if we can set some ground rules before he actually moves out. He resisted this. He says that we don’t know what the future holds, and we can just figure it out as we go along. I know that this isn’t a good idea, but when I push for more, he says the only rule he wants is for me to respect his need for space. Backing away from him completely is not what I had in mind. I wanted us to agree to counseling, or to at least have regular meetings. He does not seem willing to commit to this right now. How do I set ground rules when the rules he wants just limits my access to him?”

I had this issue also. I think that the best thing that you can do is to gradually and carefully try to negotiate. Do not give up. If you do, you could be accepting less than you need. I can tell you that just “playing it by ear” sometimes means that you don’t see or hear from your husband until he feels generous with his time and attention. This can be very worrisome and frustrating.

Negotiating A Workable Plan: I know that it is tempting to just table this conversation and hope for the best. But in my own experience, that just ensures future frustration. Instead, make the offer that you will respect his need for space during the week if he will commit to speaking or meeting on the weekends. (If weekends are not feasible, then tweak the plan with a schedule that works for both of you. ) This way, you both get what you want and you have less of a chance of drifting apart or going for long periods of time without seeing one another.

A Sample Script: The conversation could go like this, ” I hear what you are saying, but I worry that my completely backing off will lead to us not communicating at all. A lack of communication will only make things worse. Let’s negotiate and agree that I will respect your need for space Monday through Friday if you will commit to us communicating or seeing one another on the weekends. I’m not asking for constant contact, but I do want to regularly touch base so that we stay on track. I’m not trying to tie you down to a rigorous schedule and I am willing to have some flexibility as long as we are regularly touching base with one another. My biggest concern is that we will get into the habit of rarely speaking and, as a result, we will drift further and further apart. How do you feel about this? Can we come to an understanding regarding contact and how and when we will communicate?”

Listening Is Just As Important As Talking: Then really listen to what he has to say. His response will tell you a great deal about how he is approaching this separation. But, by offering to give him what he wants if he will compromise with you, you are showing a willingness to participate in the give and take of this evolving relationship. (This skill that is going to be very important as you try to save your marriage.)

Re-Evaluate If Necessary: If he still refuses to budge, it may be best to respect his need for space and try again later. Once he sees that you are not going to try to get him to settle for less, he may be more willing to negotiate at a later time. Whatever you do, do not settle into a routine where you rarely speak, wonder what is happening with him, and then become desperate. As much as possible, you want to maintain control and calm with this process. Ironing out the details (and therefore knowing what to expect) makes this easier.

If he won’t negotiate now, wait and then try again a little later. Always remember that the goal is to maintain access so that you can very gradually bring him closer to you. He’s obviously resistant to this right now, so you will have to accept small concessions as they come and then methodically ask for more when he is more receptive.

Sometimes, once a husband gets some time away, he gains perspective and becomes more willing to work with you, since he sees that you are going to hold up your end of the bargain. Often, this process takes a great deal of patience and determination. Some days, it will feel as if you are moving at a snail’s pace. But do not allow yourself to get discouraged. Stay the course. Because the alternative is to just allow fate to dictate the course of your marriage. And your marriage is too important to leave to chance.  If it helps, you can read about how I saved my marriage when my husband was initially very disinterested and distant at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people feel intense worry when they are considering a trial separation. What if this is the wrong decision? What if the separation pushes you toward a divorce that you don’t want? Is there another alternative that you haven’t explored? These are all very valid questions. As someone who separated myself (although I later reconciled,) I deeply worried about these questions. So, as reassurance, I’ll list what I consider to be the pros and cons of a trial separation below.

Some Pros Of A Trial Separation: When you are afraid that your marriage is in jeopardy, it’s normal to focus on what could go wrong. I focused almost solely on the negative aspects of my separation. In hindsight, this thought process was a mistake and contributed to my negativity, which ultimately hurt my marriage even more.

To enjoy any of the benefits of a separation, you have to be very deliberate about how it is carried out. The advantages listed below assume that you are maintaining regular, open communication with your spouse.

• Pausing A Negative Cycle: Sometimes we get into destructive cyclical patterns of behavior in our marriage. Often, we know that this problem exists and we unsuccessfully try to break these patterns. Sometimes our efforts make things worse.

In these cases, some time away can provide relief and can pause those destructive patterns for long enough that it is possible to begin new patterns of behavior and habits. In this way, you are saving your marriage by pausing it and then changing it for the better.

• Needed Perspective: When you and your spouse are stuck in an endless cycle, you can become frustrated, and too invested in your own perspectives. When you are close to the issue, it can be impossible to be objective and open. However, with a pause and some distance, it becomes easier to see where you may be wrong or where you might be able to compromise.
• Increased Willingness To Negotiate: I am going to be honest. A separation can be brutally lonely. Suddenly, you have no one to eat dinner with, to watch TV with, or to just relax with. If you have a hard day, there is no one to listen to you vent or to offer you support. Yes, you can and should lean on family and friends, but it is not the same. It’s no wonder that many separated spouses miss their partner terribly. And once they realize this, they are much more willing to come to the table and work things out. I was somewhat angry at my husband early on, but after a week or two without him, I suddenly would have done anything to get him back.

Some Cons Of A Trial Separation: Now that we have discussed some of the positives of a hopefully brief separation, let’s go over some of the negatives.

• There Is Always A Risk: Even couples who theoretically do everything right and who maintain close contact sometimes drift further apart. When you are not in intimate contact, there is always the risk that things will deteriorate, as one or both of you become paranoid, overreaching, or panicked. It’s very common for people to worry that the other is being unfaithful (or is at least more available.)
• A Separation Can Intensify The Conflict: It’s so important to be deliberate and open before your separation because many details will need to be negotiated while you are apart. Sometimes, separated couples argue as much about these details as divorced couples. This is the last thing that you need if you are already on shaky ground. It is so important to try to be as accommodating as possible so that you can avoid this type of deterioration.
• It Can Traumatize Children or Extended Family: One of the main reasons that many couples see divorce as a last resort is because of their children. No one wants to make their child live in two different homes or be raised in two different households. Most people believe that this situation should be avoided if at all possible. Yet, if you opt to live separately while separated, two households are your reality, even if this is only temporary.

And even if you don’t have children, you may be surprised at how invested extended family members and mutual friends are, especially parents, siblings, or best friends.

As you can see, for every positive, there seems to be a corresponding negative. Many of the “cons” can be avoided, though. For example, many couples spare trauma for their children because they separate but continue to live under the same roof. Yes, this takes a good deal of negotiation and patience, but I have seen it work quite well.

Likewise, you can avoid many of the suspicions, panic, and frustrations that happen in many separations by seeing and talking to one another regularly and being very clear about your commitment to your marriage. It can also help to regularly attend counseling or to meet regularly to work on deepening your bond. Because when you can see things improving, you are less likely to always assume the worst.

I can’t tell you that my separation was a great experience. It wasn’t. But we made many of the mistakes I’m cautioning against. We eventually got on track, but not without a lot of frustration in the beginning. That said, we may be divorced today if we hadn’t separated. Not having my husband in my life caused me to face some hard truths and to make some important changes. I believe that he would say the same. We have a very different, and a much better, marriage today. So, if that is what it took to have the marriage that we currently enjoy, then it was worth it. You can read the whole story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s not uncommon for people facing a trial separation to seek out statistics on the same. It’s normal to want to know what you are up against. People want to know if separation is usually a precursor to divorce or if the process actually helps most of the couples who attempt it.

Before I go any further, I have to warn you that the statistics are not very encouraging. Please know that everyone is different and that you, and your marriage, are not a statistic. There are also tactics to ensure that yours is in the category of the marriages that survive. And, within these statistics, I believe that there is some encouragement after all (more on that in a minute.)

Statistics Regarding Marital Separations: There are only a few studies available, and neither was completed within the past couple of years. One study (from 2002) indicated that around 80% of couples who separate ultimately end up divorced. The average duration of the separation was three years for the couples who divorced and less than that for the couples who did not. I am not a scientist, but my perceptions based on my own experiences are that these statistics look awfully bleak.

From my own experience and from comments of people who visit this site, my perception is that reconciliation is more common than one out of five couples, but again, my observations are very un-scientific and it’s possible that my exposure is mostly to people who are in the reconciliation category. Obviously, this site attracts people who want to save their marriages.

Regardless of what the numbers say, I don’t want anyone to read these statistics and think that their situation is hopeless. Here is an additional set of statistics that I find VERY hopeful.

Statistics Show That A Statistically Significant Amount Of Unhappy Marriages Turn Around With Time: Within these same numbers is another statistic that is often overlooked. Of the couples who identified themselves as unhappy, eight out of ten defined their marriage as happy five years later. The couples that divorced defined themselves as no happier divorced as they had been married.

To me, this says that in many cases, if the couple can hang on and effectively work on the marriage, happier times could be just around the corner. However, you can’t reach that promised land if you give up and get divorced. And, it does appear that if you do get divorced, you may not be any happier.

I think it may be more helpful to focus on this statistic since it actually offers both hope and a concrete goal. (And I believe that the goal is important. I don’t think it’s prudent to assume that you don’t have to do anything about your marriage but wait it out.)

How To Ensure You Are Not A Statistic: I’m glad that I wasn’t aware of these numbers during my own separation. I was discouraged enough without thinking that the odds were against me. The circumstances were plenty bad until I learned how to turn things around, so I didn’t need to know all of this.

From experience, I believe that taking concrete action is the best way to give yourself the best chance of success. Agree on a regular schedule to communicate with and hopefully see one another. Try to increase the level of comfort between you so that you can eventually come to a place where you’re actively trying to rebuild your marriage.

Don’t give in to the urge to act on your worst fears and impulses. Believe me, this is easier said than done. But every time I became afraid, I acted out with pettiness, paranoia, or aggression. Obviously, these emotions did not help my marriage. Always ask yourself if your actions are bringing you closer to reconciliation or further away from it.

The Importance of Having A Flexible Plan: By now, it is probably obvious that I believe that one of the best things you can do to increase the odds of saving your marriage is to have a plan. It’s optimal to regularly communicate and work on the bond between you. However, you will often hit snags, delays, and detours. It takes two people to make this work. But sometimes your husband may not be as cooperative as you may like. When this happens, it is vital that you are flexible and not give up.

There were times when things seemed to be disastrous during my own separation, and I was on the verge of throwing in the towel. Instead, I took a break and I worked on myself since I did not have the cooperation of my husband at the time. This made all of the difference. Sure, the separation lasted for longer than I wanted it to. And yes, there were very lonely days. But by pausing the action, I was able to re-set and my husband and I ultimately reconciled since I bought myself that time. Yes, it does ultimately take two people to reconcile. But if your spouse isn’t ready for that just yet, there is plenty that you can do in the meantime.

Please do not panic over these statistics. I had friends and family members who said it was obvious that my marriage was over. There were days when I was sure that this was true. And yet, I am still married. Thankfully, I did not give up. There were days when I definitely thought about it. But my experiences reinforce the statistic which suggests that if you can just stick it out, things can and do change. (You can read about how we ultimately reconciled and how I turned the corner at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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