Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives understandably want confirmation of commitment from their husbands. The thought process is that yes, we both know that our marriage is struggling because of the separation. But, at the end of the day, we wives want reassurance that the end goal is for the marriage to survive and for the couple to reunite. Sure, it may take some time and some hard work. But it’s ideal if both parties agree about the future of the marriage.

And some husbands will say that yes, he wants to be together and save the marriage.  Unfortunately, his actions are in direct contrast to his words. Many husbands claim to want to salvage the marriage, but those same husbands do absolutely nothing to address and then fix the problems that lead to the separation in the first place.

A wife might say, “after three months of separation, I finally got my husband to tell me that ultimately, he wants to be together. This felt like a victory at the time because he’s been so distant during our time apart. It is like pulling teeth to get him to talk about his feelings. It is even harder to get him to say something complimentary about me or the marriage. Since we had that conversation, things have been improving somewhat. However, my husband still has not agreed to counseling, nor do I see any effort by him to address or work on our problems. It’s as if he thinks that all he has to do is verbalize this desire and the problems are going to fix themselves. This honestly makes me doubt his sincerity. Is he just saying that he wants to be together so that I will stop bugging him? How are we going to address our problems?”

I doubt he’s insincere about his desire to ultimately be together. Many separated husbands don’t rush to “work” on the marriage.  It’s not that they don’t want things to get better.  It’s just that they are resistant to emotional work. I will list some of the reasons why below, as well as offer some tips on the steps you can take to ease him into working with you to address the issues.

The Idea Overwhelms Him: Many men find wading through their feelings and vulnerabilities to be an exhausting thought. And this type of wading is how many of them picture counseling. So yes, they are hoping that their commitment is enough to make things work since emotional exploration frightens them. But of course, we all know that hope without action is not going to give us the results that we want.

He’s Not Sure What To Do Or How To Begin: Some husbands are in theory willing to do the work necessary to fix your problems, but they are truly clueless about what needs to be done. Many of them have never been to counseling before and they have no idea what they should look for in a counselor or what to expect if they go. Likewise, for those couples who chose to try to repair the marriage on their own, few of us have any real experience with this. So many husbands feel as if they are flying blind. They’re willing to do what is necessary, but they don’t know where to start.

He Worries That You Will Fail: The fear of failure holds many couples back. Wanting your marriage to work and actually having the tools to save it are two very different things. While many husbands acknowledge that yes, in a perfect world, you would end up together, moving from where you are now to that triumphant place of togetherness is going to take many small steps. And it may not feel like you have a road map for this.

Accepting A Gradual Approach That Allows You To Ease Into Improvements: At the risk of sounding like I am siding with your husband, I learned the hard way that it is better to take a gradual approach when working on your problems. Why? Well, as you have already seen, sometimes you have to take baby steps when your separated husband is overwhelmed or reluctant. It is usually easier to get him to go along when you show him that you can accomplish small, easier tasks. Once he is comfortable with regularly making small efforts, then you can strive for bigger gains. This helps him to gain confidence while you gain his cooperation.

Another consideration is that in the beginning, your marriage may be too fragile for you to make big changes or for you to scrutinize things too much. That is why it is better to accept small gains and to build up as you are able and your husband is willing.

Please understand that I am not asking you to settle for less or to accept your problems as permanent. Of course you will need to fix them eventually. But pushing your husband to address them all at once may lead to a husband who is too paralyzed to do anything at all, at least in my experience. I learned that you can actually walk many miles with baby steps. Yes, it may take a while to get where you want to go. But once you do, you will have a willing partner and you will have a steady stance with which to walk.

For now, let yourself experience the relief that he’s telling you that he wants to be with you. We don’t always get those wins. So savor it. And then vow to gradually work on your issues, but not at all once. Yes, this requires patience. But baby steps are why I am still married today.  You can read the whole story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If you are separated, you likely already know that sometimes, your feelings sneak up on you. For example, your day can be going along just fine. You may wake up and experience pride that you are coping quite well, thank you very much. But while doing mundane tasks, feelings of loss and loneliness may rear their ugly heads – seemingly out of the blue.

A common time to experience these unwelcome emotions is during or after dreaming. Many of us go to bed feeling somewhat at peace. And then we’ll have disturbing dreams. Or we’ll have seemingly benign dreams about our separated husband that inspire us to attempt to analyze the dreams to uncover our real feelings.

Someone might say, “I honestly feel like I’m coping pretty well during my separation. I wish my husband and I communicated more frequently. But for the most part, I can’t complain. I didn’t want to separate. But I’ve mostly accepted it. I try to stay very busy so I don’t dwell on the negative, and I feel like this strategy has been relatively successful. I can maintain my positivity during day time hours. But when I sleep, I almost always dream of my separated husband. Sometimes, I actually have nightmares. My husband will be injured. Or he’ll be lashing out at me and saying hurtful things. Other times, he will just appear as a bystander in my regular dreams. Much of the time, he doesn’t say or do anything. He’s just there. Why is my separated husband showing up in my dreams?

I’m not a dream expert, but I think that there are some obvious theories. I will go over them below. But first, let’s discuss why we dream.

How Our Daily Lives Influence Our Dreams: Researchers believe that dreams help us process the information and emotions that we experience during the day. That said, the content of our dreams is not always the result of what we have experienced during waking hours. In fact, sometimes the event that inspires the dream happened days or weeks before the dream itself. (This is called dream lag.) People dream about loved ones or those who are very close to us almost 70% of the time. Interestingly, we most frequently dream about themes from our own lives. For example, college students dream about school. Pregnant women dream about childbirth. Nurses dream about caregiving.

However, we can also dream about things that are far outside of our own realities. For example, deaf people sometimes hear things in their dreams. Someone who is afraid of public speaking may dream of himself giving a motivational speech that goes viral. In this way, our dreams can serve as wishful thinking or even as a path to nudge us toward growth or coping mechanisms.

Nightmares: Bad dreams aren’t as uncommon as many of us assume. Five percent of us have at least one nightmare per week. Experts believe that stress or emotional upset can contribute to nightmares, although sometimes they are a side effect of medications or illness. Other times, they might mean nothing at all.

Dreams During A Marital Separation: I believe that the dreams of a separated husband are a common experience for many of us. My most common dream during my own separation was running into my husband and his new, prettier wife. But I also had the dream about him being injured or ill. I would wake up from those in a cold sweat, wanting to contact my husband to make sure that he was physically okay. I also had dreams of myself being old and alone.

In my case, I was obviously playing out my fears and worst-case scenarios in my sleep. But every once in awhile, I would dream of a sweet reconciliation. (Reconciling was what I wanted and you could even argue that it was foretelling the future because we did eventually reconcile. There’s more on that here.) But at the time of that dream, my husband and I were not on great terms, which leads me to my next point.

Wish Fulfillment, Worst Fears, Projections, Or Nothing At All: Honestly, any of these are possibilities when you dream about your separated husband. And since our dreams do not always align with exactly what happened that day and can lag in front of or behind reality, it can be hard to guess at what the dreams mean, if anything.

Generally speaking, it is probably safe to say that your separated husband is on your mind, even if you are coping quite well and doing a good job of compartmentalizing this part of your life. It is human nature to downplay the flood of emotions that might want to bubble to the surface. Most of us want to appear that we are managing just fine. We want our husband to see us capable and coping. This is understandable and I would argue that it is even advisable. But it doesn’t leave you much room for processing your emotions while you are awake. And that is why you might be trying to process them in your sleep.

This is totally normal. It doesn’t mean that your nightmares or your wish-fulfillment dreams are going to come true. Nor does it mean that you are not coping as well as you think that you are. It may just mean that your brain is working to process the extra emotions, the uncertainty, and the new circumstances of your life. It is doing exactly what it was designed to do. So do not worry too much about your dreams. They only become detrimental if they inspire negative action. And you can actually flip this script and make them a positive influence if you can use them to inspire positive action.

I know that, while you are coping, this can be a difficult time.  If it helps, you can read about how I got through it (and saved my marriage) at http://isavedmy marriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are hoping that their husband’s threats to leave are only empty ones. Sometimes, this is the first time that they have heard these types of threats. But other times, this has become a troubling pattern within their marriage.

A wife might say: “my husband and I have been fighting pretty badly for the past eight months or so. We fight over a couple of the same things over and over. The first thing that always comes up is money. He thinks I spend too much, but I think he’s cheap. The second thing that we constantly fight about is that he thinks that I don’t respect him. He’s caught me going behind his back and buying things that he doesn’t know about and then trying to cover it up. He says this is childish behavior which shows a serious lack of respect. Well, last week he got a hold of the credit card bill before I could get to the mail. Needless to say, he saw some charges and then both of our biggest problems came to the surface. But he seemed more angry this time than he has ever been before. He screamed that he was absolutely done with me and our marriage. Since then, he has been looking at apartments. My friends are all freaking out and saying my marriage might be over. But I just can’t believe that he would really walk out the door. One of my girlfriends said that sometimes men just reach their limit and that might be where my husband is now. Will he really leave me?”

I didn’t personally know this wife or her husband. I had no idea if he was really going to leave her. But I can tell you from my own experience that this woman’s friend was right. Men often get to a point where they feel that they must leave to finally get their point across. Often, they feel as if they have tried everything to get you to pay attention or to convince you to work with them to change things. But, in their minds, nothing has seemed to work. So, there often comes a point where they feel that they must leave to get your attention in order to force some change.

Sometimes, they might come back if they see the change that they wanted. Other times, they feel pretty determined to be completely finished with you or with your marriage. That’s why it’s so important to at least attempt to do some damage control before he actually leaves, which I will discuss more below.

If You Can, Show Him Enough Immediate But Sincere Change So That He Doesn’t Need To Leave To Prove His Point: Even though you may be tempted to suddenly promise your husband anything in order to get him to stay, this often backfires eventually. Because he knows what you are trying to do. So he’s going to doubt you and he’s going to doubt that you will really do what you are claiming. That’s why it’s important to only promise what you can deliver, and, if possible to show him concrete proof that you can and will change.

So as one example, in this case, the wife could come to her husband with some cut up credit cards to show good faith that she really was going to change. She wasn’t going to make an empty promise. She wasn’t going to tell her husband that he was being cheap. She was going to grow up and stop trying to hide the truth from him since her dishonesty and deception was putting her marriage in serious jeopardy.

Now, it was going to have to be up to the wife to determine what she would be willing to do in order to make progress. To me, cutting up the credit cards seemed a small price to pay, especially since her husband had given her multiple chances and had tried to work with her until she had repeatedly been secretive and deceptive. Sure, she was very upset and sad that the husband had reached the end of his rope, but if she could be rational and objective, she might realize that he was justified in doing so.

Don’t Give Him The Impression That You’re Not Taking Him Seriously: Many wives will try to downplay this situation as a form of strategy. They’ll try to call his bluff. Here’s why I think that this strategy can be a serious mistake. I’ve seen many men feel that they have no choice but to take very dramatic action in order to prove that they absolutely are not bluffing. And when a husband leaves you to prove his point, you’re going to have a much harder time fixing things than if you go ahead and take action now.

It’s much easier to improve your situation when your husband is furious but still at home than it is when he’s calmer but has already moved out. I believe that it can be a very serious mistake to either downplay your husband’s claims or to try to argue your own point. You don’t want to tell him that he’s overreacting or that he has no right to be so upset. Instead, you want to try to validate him by acknowledging that you understand why he is so upset. Then, try to offer some resolution and outline what you are willing to do in order to make things right.

So to answer the question posed, yes husbands do sometimes really leave wives when they have reached the end of their rope. Some even leave for less valid reasons. Because the truth of the matter is, it really is his choice instead of yours. But with a little sincerity and a workable plan, you can sometimes prevent this before he actually leaves.

I wish I would’ve taken my husband more seriously when he started to make comments about our marriage.  I downplayed it and tried to make him feel as if he were asking too much.  Eventually, he moved out and asked for a separation in order to get my attention.  He felt that he was done also.  And getting him back was a lot harder than taking him seriously would have been.  Eventually, I did find some strategies that worked.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who aren’t sure how they should be acting while they are separated from their spouse. They have often read that you shouldn’t seem desperate or appear that you are just waiting for your spouse to call or attempt to see you. In other words, to the extent that you can, you want to make sure that you are not the only one initiating the contact or doing to pursuing.

I heard from a wife who said: “we’ve been separated for about six weeks. I miss my husband terribly. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about how wrong it is that he is no longer living at home. Sometimes, when we talk on the phone, the words ‘I miss you’ are right on the tip of my tongue. But I don’t say them because I don’t want to appear overly eager. Most of the time, my husband and I get along reasonably well when we interact during the separation, so I don’t think that my missing him would upset him or make him recoil. I’m just not sure if I should tell him how very much I miss him and how desperate I truly am for him to come home. What do you think?”

It’s not hard from me to put myself in this wife’s shoes. I went through a separation just like this. And in the beginning of it, I never passed up an opportunity to let my husband know how much I missed him. And as this wife suspected, it backfired on me because all it did was make my husband feel so guilty that he wanted to avoid me. Later, I learned to not be so forthcoming with how badly I was feeling and this actually did help things between us. However, I think that sometimes people take this strategy too far.

He Probably Already Knows That Despite The Circumstances, You Both Miss Each Other: Our husbands can often read us better than we think. And I’m pretty sure that both people strongly suspect that the other one is missing their lives together. It would be difficult to be married to and live with someone for as long as they had and to not feel some longing once you were living apart. So I doubt that the husband would be all that shocked if the wife stated the obvious – that she missed him.

However, I think that the real distinction can be whether you tell him that you miss him if he asks or if you continuously blurt it out when no one has even brought it up. I mean, I used to bring up the topic myself and then proceed to tell my husband I didn’t know if I could be without him for one more day. This is entirely different than confessing you are missing your spouse if they are the one who brings it up or if they ask you directly about this.

Understand That Missing Your Spouse Doesn’t Change The Issues That Lead To The Separation: One thing that never occurred to me when I was constantly telling my husband how much I missed him was how little this mattered when you looked at the big picture. And I am not trying to sound insensitive when I say this. But, my missing him didn’t change the fact that neither of us had done anything to address the issues that lead to the separation in the first place.

One day when I was going on and on about how unhappy the separation was making me, my husband said “yes, but tell me something new. Tell me what has changed.” I thought he was just trying to shut me up. It took me a while to realize what he meant. What he was trying to tell me is that me missing him didn’t do a single thing to fix our marital problems. And until those issues were resolved, nothing was going to change for him regardless of how much I missed him.

So sometimes you really have to look at the big picture and ask yourself where you are in the process. For example if you and your husband have made huge strides and have worked through your problems so well that you are beginning to date one another and become intimate again, then telling him that you miss him might actually change things because the situation would be such that it would make sense to act on this.  However, if like my case, nothing had changed, then telling him that you miss him is sort of stating the obvious and it’s likely to frustrate you both because regardless of how you both are feeling, nothing has really changed in regards to your marriage.

So to answer the question posed, it’s my opinion that if your husband asks you directly, there’s no reason to lie and claim that you don’t miss him. But if you’re going to bring up the topic yourself, make sure that you have laid some groundwork on fixing your marriage so that your words matter. It doesn’t make sense to stress how much you miss him when neither of you have addressed the outstanding issues so that you can both do something about them.

As I alluded to, I certainly wasn’t shy about telling my husband how desperately I missed him during our separation.  But it actually made things worse.  Because it only highlighted how stuck we truly were.  It wasn’t until I placed my focus on taking action rather than relying on words that things changed in our marriage and we were able to save it.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I often get correspondence from people (usually wives) who want to tell me some facts about their marriage and then ask me if I think it’s too late to save it.  Frankly, I suspect that about 99.9% of them are hoping that I’ll say the answer is no, it’s not too late.

Honestly, I wouldn’t tell anyone it’s too late to save their marriage.  That’s not for me to say and, I think it’s rarely too late if you’re willing to work at it and to try new things.  In the following article, I’ll tell you why.

Sometimes, You Think It’s Too Late To Save Your Marriage And It Really Isn’t:  Much of the time people tell me that they fear it’s too late for them because they fight all the time or because their spouse moved out, asked for a separation, or filed divorce papers.

And frankly, all of these things make it more difficult to save your marriage, but they don’t make it impossible -not by a long shot.  If you’re fighting with each other all of the time, at least there’s some emotion left.  Your both getting upset proves that you actually still care enough and are invested enough to be affected one way or another.

And, I’ve seen people get their marriages back together even after they’d divorced, separated, moved out or countless other things.  It’s not a rare occurrence. And what many of these couples have in common is something or someone changed their perceptions about each other or the marriage, which leads me to my next point.

Saving Your Marriage When You Think It’s Too Late Involves Not Giving Up – Even When You Think You Can’t Do It:  I will admit that my husband served me with divorce papers, I was ready to give up.  In fact, I was so crushed that I eventually went a good distance away to spend some time with my family.  And, much to my surprise, when I came back, he started to show a little interest again.

There was a part of me that didn’t want to get my hopes up and just give up because I knew the divorce was already set into motion.  But there was another part of me that was saying in the back of my mind “this is your marriage we’re talking about.  This is forever.  You can’t just give up now.  Are you prepared to let him walk out of your life forever?”

I wasn’t. And now I’m so grateful I didn’t give up or just declare that all of my efforts were going to be too little too late.  It’s natural to have doubts.  You may even see the writing on the wall.  And you may not even believe that it’s going to be possible.  But the second you give up, that’s precisely when it’s not possible.  Because it’s at that point that you’ve taken yourself out of the game. You can’t win if you’re not playing.

When you stop trying, you’re conceding defeat.  But I believe as long as you are both still alive and you haven’t given up, there’s always a chance.

Does this mean you should keep trying even when things look bleak?  I can’t answer that question for you.  Only you know if the marriage has the potential to be a good one that would ultimately make you happy once it is repaired.  I can only tell you that it’s likely not too late to save it if at least one of you is still invested and hasn’t given up.

Just Wanting To Save Your Marriage Before It’s Too Late Isn’t Always Enough:  So now that I’ve gone on and on about how I rarely think it’s too late, I have to tell you that actually saving your marriage usually involves more than just wishful thinking.

Sure, you can vow to not give up, but you’ll usually need to actually take some measured action so that you’re not just relying on luck or fate.  When I say this, people often assume that I mean they have to solve or work on the problems that made their marriage a struggle in the first place.

This really isn’t what I mean – at least not yet.  Because often, if your marriage is on the verge of ending, it’s not strong enough to withstand all that scrutiny and “work.”  No, what I mean instead is that you need to put all of the problems aside for now (just for a little while) and reconnect.

You need to reestablish your bond and rediscover those things that brought you together in the first place.  You may have to do this very gradually, depending on the state of your marriage today.  But honestly, when you feel very connected to and invested in your spouse, then your problems are much more easily worked through.

But if you try to slog through your problems before either of you are feeling a true connection, then you’re more likely to get frustrated, think nothing is going to work, and throw up your hands.  Set yourself up for gradual success rather than for abrupt failure.

This is something I wish I had known in my own marriage. I pushed far too early and this costs me dearly.  I know that a more gradual and measured approach requires more faith.  But it also is much more likely to succeed in my experience.

I know that you probably have doubts about saving your marriage.  But here’s the thing.  You will never know if you don’t try.  What do you really have to loose?  If you fail, then you will know you gave it your all so that you’ll at least have some closure.  But if you succeed, you’ll save what is likely one of the most important relationships in your life.  To me, that’s most definitely worth it.

I’m grateful every day that, at least when it really counted, I didn’t believe it was too late to save my marriage.  There were some difficult days and starts and stops, but our marriage is very solid today. I had to use a little finesse and there was a bit of trickery involved, but my strategy eventually worked.  You can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com .  I’m certainly no expert but a good resource by an expert is Amy Wasserman’s free e course.  You can get information about that on the side of this blog.

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by: Leslie Cane:  Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for one spouse to be determined to save their marriage while the other just isn’t sure if this is what he wants to do.  I often hear from the wives who are trying to convince their husbands to work with them in the present time to save the marriage.

I recently heard from someone who wanted to know if you were supposed to give your husband an ultimatum or time deadline on which to make this decision.  She said, in part:  “for the last two months, our marriage has been very shaky.  It’s clear to me that if we don’t get aggressive about saving our marriage, soon there will be nothing left.  Things get worse every day and it’s so difficult for me to just watch it happen while doing nothing to save it.  I want my husband to make a commitment to work with me to save our marriage.  But he won’t make that commitment yet.  He says he isn’t sure that our marriage can be saved and he’s not sure if he wants to waste time, money, or go through an emotional roller coaster.   Every time I ask him when he might have an answer as to what he wants to do, he says he doesn’t know yet and acts angry that I’m pushing him.  But in the meantime, our marriage continues to deteriorate.  Should I give him some deadline to make his decision?  I feel like my life is in limbo while I wait for him.  It seems so unfair that every thing rests on his decision but I can’t live my life just waiting.”

This is a very common complaint.  Many wives believe that their husbands aren’t acting (or deciding) quickly enough and it begins to seem as if he’s never going to make a move or take a chance.  You’re right that this delay is frustrating and unfair, but there’s a real danger in pushing him too swiftly toward the answer that you’re hoping he won’t give you.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

How Long You Wait For Your Husband To Make A Decision About Saving Your Marriage (Or Letting It Go) Often Depends On How Invested You Are In That Same Marriage: I do understand loosing patience with this process.  When I was trying to save my own marriage (and my husband eventually moved out,) this whole turn of events seemed to drag on forever.  And while I sometimes wanted to speed up time so that I could see how the whole thing was going to resolve itself, I was sometimes afraid of exactly this because I knew that there was a chance that once he made a final decision, that same decision might be to go ahead and divorce me and end the marriage for good.  I was very clear on the fact that this was not what I wanted.  So, I was ultimately will to wait as long as it took (although I didn’t like having to wait all that much.)

However, I was always pretty determined that as long as there was still a chance that he might decide to work with me to save our marriage, I owed it to myself to not rush him into giving up or deciding to move on because he was tired of me constantly pressuring him or reminding him of how long I’d been waiting for him to make up his mind.  Yes, that was frustrating, but I always thought that as long as I could wait without a definite and final no, then we still had a chance.  And as long as I was able to see at least some progress or bright spots in an otherwise delicate process, I was willing to have more patience than I ever though possible from me.

I would certainly understand a different thought process, especially if you harbor some doubts about your marriage also. It’s easier to walk away under a certain time frame if you yourself aren’t completely invested and harbor your own doubts.

There’s Plenty That You Can Do On Your Own To Save Or “Work” On Your Marriage While You’re Waiting for Your Husband To Make A Decision: Although I really don’t like the phrase “work on your marriage” because it implies negative connotations which make many people resist committing to it, you should know that this process is completely possible alone, especially in the beginning.  You don’t need your husband’s commitment or even his full cooperation to get started.

There is plenty that you can begin doing without announcing it or even asking for his permission or cooperation.  You and you alone can take inventory of your marriage, it’s issues, and your husband’s perceptions about the same all on your own.  Your job is to change your husband’s perceptions and negative feelings about those issues (to the extent that you can) without his cooperation or even his knowing what you are doing.

Here’s just one example.  A very common complaint that I hear from husbands in this situation is that the “spark is gone” and that they don’t want to have to express their feelings or go to counseling to get back something that has long been dead.  They see this as a waste of time, money, and their emotional resources (which they don’t like to share anyway.)  But, what if you could begin to make progress in this area on your own and what if your husband could reap the rewards without having to lift a finger?  Do you think he might change his mind about cooperating, committing, and saving your marriage then?

Because nothing says that you can’t channel the woman who first put a spring in your husband’s step with her playful personality and her infectious laugh.  There’s nothing that says you can’t remain positive and playful so that he responds how you want him to even when you might both have some doubts.  Yes, this requires you to take a chance.  And you might have to stay the course when he looks at your with a bit of confusion in his eyes because he isn’t sure where all this is coming from.  But what does it matter when you’re taking the first steps toward saving your marriage, making important improvements, and likely bringing about that positive decision and commitment from him that you’ve been waiting for all along? My answer to the posed question is that if you’re invested in your marriage, you’re often willing to wait as long as it takes while gently nudging your husband toward the desired answer.  And I personally think that ultimatums and deadlines often backfire.

Sure, I wanted my husband to commit to saving my marriage within my own time frame.  But this didn’t happen.  My initial reaction was to feel frustration and to pressure him but this backfired in a huge way.  Eventually, I decided that I could only control myself and I set out to save my marriage on my own.  And this eventually worked.  If it helps you can read more about that process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are fully aware that their behavior is actually making things worse when they are separated.  But they just can’t seem to help themselves.  A common example is calling or texting.  Most people realize that calling and texting excessively is only going to make their spouse frustrated with them.  Worse, it makes the chances that he is actually going to miss you and want to come home much less likely.  And yet still, it can be hard to stop.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband left me about three weeks ago.  It was not a surprise at all.  I pretty much knew that he was going to leave, but I didn’t know when.  He’s been saying for months that he wanted a separation because he wasn’t completely happy being married to me.  He feels that he needs some time away.  I suppose I understand this and even if I didn’t, I don’t have much of a choice anyway.  I want to try to give him some space, but I just can’t help myself. I call him several times per day even though I know that I am annoying him.  And at times when I really want to call but find that the urge isn’t so bad, I will text him instead.  For the last couple of days, he hasn’t even answered my texts.  I know that I have to stop this, but I can’t seem to do so.  I just want to hear his voice.  And then I want the confirmation that he isn’t with someone else. I want to gauge how he is feeling and how receptive he is to me.  And if I don’t call or text, then I only have to guess and assume the worst.  How do I get control over this?”  I will try to answer this as best as I can in the following article.

Understand That Not Controlling This Can Really Hurt Your Outcome:  I know that you already suspect this.  But if it helps, allow me to confirm what you already know.  I hear from a lot of couples and wives on my blog and I can tell you that over pursuing your spouse when you are separated can sometimes be one the main reasons that you remain separated or end up moving toward a divorce.

And the reason for this is that if you do not give your spouse the space that he has asked for, he’s going to think that he has no choice but to distance himself from you or avoid you in order to get that space.  And sometimes, the more he avoids you, the more you reach out and these opposing forces can sometimes lead to a very bleak outcome.

Of course, the great irony is that often, you are well aware that you are doing harm but you just can’t stop yourself.  It sometimes helps to take it a step further and actually imagine the worst scenario and associate it with the behavior.

What I mean by that is that the next time you feel yourself reach for the phone once too often, take a deep breath, stop yourself, and then imagine yourself husband frowning on the other end of the phone.  Imagine him seeing his caller ID, realizing it’s you, and then ignoring it. Imagine him eventually blocking you so that you don’t have access to him at all, or worse, changing his number.  Of course, you don’t want these things to happen.  So you have to set up a system to stop yourself, which leads me to my next point.

Set Up Deterrents And Rewards:  As silly as it sounds, sometimes you need something to physically reprogram this cycle in order to stop the loop of your thinking.  I am saying this from experience.  I was caught in this cycle too and my behavior contributed to things becoming so bad that my husband began to avoid me altogether.

In desperation, I went to visit family another state away and this forced me to stop.  This break actually made my husband more receptive to me and once I was able to literally see that backing off worked, then it was much easier for me to do that.

But what I am trying to avoid is for it needing to get that far in your situation.  When you feel the urge to call or text and you know that it is too much, stop yourself, leave your phone, and walk away.  Go power walking, go for a drive, do whatever you need to do to leave your phone out of your reach.  Or, call a friend instead if you can’t put your phone down.

Try To Agree To Some Guidelines: Frankly, it can help a lot if you and your spouse can agree to some guidelines and boundaries.  Often, we reach out so much because we don’t know what to expect.  But if the two of you could agree to have dinner once or twice per week, then you wouldn’t need to call because you would know that at a set time, you would have your questions answered.

Or, perhaps you can agree to a phone call every evening at a certain time.  If you can get your spouse to agree to this, then it makes things much easier.  But if not, then you will need to set your own guidelines and determine what is appropriate and stick with it.  The good news is that you will often see that as soon as you tone it down, your husband will be more receptive to you.  And when this happens, then that positive reinforcement makes the whole process that much easier because you can literally see that your efforts are working and are therefore worth it.

I can not stress enough that when I backed off during my separation, things suddenly turned around for the better.  It was so difficult for me to do this, but once I did, it was impossible to ignore the results. If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are very hurt because their husband seems to be distancing himself or ignoring them during their trial separation. At first, the wives might try various strategies in order to get his attention. But once this fails, they can begin to wonder if they should just accept that two can play at this game and return his distance with a little of their own.

I heard from a wife who said: “when my husband left me, he stressed that the separation might only be temporary. He said that we could try a trial separation and see if that might help us. Needless to say, these words got my hopes up that my marriage might stand a chance. But I am starting to see that my expectations might have been too high because my husband is pretty much ignoring me. At first, he was just a little distant and unavailable. But for the past several weeks, he has been very blatantly ignoring me. I have tried texting and calling him but he just will not make himself available. I am starting to get the hint at this point and I am on the verge of deciding that I will just ignore him in the same way that he has been ignoring me. I hate to play these childish games. But what choice do I have?”

I understood this wife’s frustration. It hurts to wonder if you are so unimportant to your husband that he can go for long periods of time without communicating with you. And you can begin to wonder if this distance is going to become permanent. Worse, it is so very easy to just give in to your negative feelings and close yourself off to him or to your marriage.

I know how this feels because I have been there. My husband all but demanded that I leave him alone when we were separated. Unfortunately, I didn’t take the hint very well and this made me only want to reach out to him more. I texted. I called. I came by. And this made him want to see me even less. Things got so bad that I think he was literally hiding from me. This process hurt me so badly that I went home to stay with family just to force myself to back away. Interesting, things improved after this because he then started to reach out to me.

Understand The Difference Between Taking A Break And Closing Yourself Off: The point that I am trying to make is that taking a break can sometimes improve your situation. It can sometimes encourage your husband to take the initiative for once. But, I think that there is a real danger in taking it too far. I don’t want to think about what might have happened if when my husband reached out to me, I decided to teach him a lesson and ignore him. It’s my opinion that there is a fine line between taking a break and closing yourself off to your marriage or your husband.

Yes, emotions are running high right now. You are being influenced by negative emotions like fear and anger. It might actually be easier for you to just throw up your hands and back away for good. And while this is understandable, I think that it can be a little far reaching. Here’s an example of a compromise that might work better.

A Decent Compromise:  Here is one suggestion.  The next time you call or text your husband and get the machine or a non-answer, you might want to say or text something like: “I can tell that you aren’t available right now, so I am going to follow your lead and back off a little bit. The last thing that I want is to force you to do something that you don’t want to do. So, when you are ready to reach out, I will be here. But until then, I’ll give you a little more space.”

Believe it or not, if you deliver this correctly and then wait, you will sometimes find that this inspires him to actually reach out to you or to take some initiative. This doesn’t always happen immediately but it will often happen if you have a little patience.

If you give it a little time and nothing happens, then you have the choice as to whether you just want to very quickly let him know that you are thinking about him or if you want to wait some more. I feel that it is always best to let him take the initiative, but sometimes you don’t have this option, especially in the beginning.  There’s nothing wrong with sending a text saying that you are thinking about him, but you don’t want to be the only one communicating just like you don’t want to completely close the door when your marriage is still very important to you.

So to answer the question posed, I completely understand the urge to just show him how it feels to be ignored. But I also think that this might be a mistake if your marriage is still a priority to you. If you take it too far, you could find yourself in a situation where days turn into weeks and then months where no one has made any move toward the other. Instead, you want to acknowledge that he seems to need space and then leave things open-ended to pick up again later in the hopes that things will improve.

As I alluded to, I was sometimes very tempted to ignore my husband when he wasn’t receptive to me during our separation.  But, I never wanted to lose sight of what was most important to me – which was eventually saving my marriage.  So, I backed off but I never gave up hope.  And this is why we are still together today.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are struggling to get their husbands to think more favorably of them or their marriage. Some of the wives have their husbands tell them that he doesn’t love them anymore. Another common declaration is “I love you but I’m not ‘in love’ with you.” Sometimes though, you may be dealing with a husband who isn’t sure (or doesn’t know) how he feels about you.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “my husband has been cold and distant to me lately. This weekend, we were out with friends and he made little digs at me several times throughout the evening. When we got home, I told him that the way he acted was no way to treat his wife. He made a sarcastic comment like he wasn’t sure if he wanted me to be his wife anymore. I asked him what this was supposed to mean and then he started making comments about our marriage not being the same and not making him entirely happy. Of course, this lead me to ask him if he loved me anymore. And do you know what his response was? He said ‘I don’t know how I feel about you anymore.’ What is that supposed to mean? And what does this mean for my marriage?”

I will try to address this wife’s questions in the following article.

What It Sometimes Means When Your Husband Doesn’t Know How He Feels About You Anymore: Many wives assume that when their husband can’t or won’t say how he really feels about them, this means that he doesn’t love them anymore. Or, he’s sure that he doesn’t feel the same way about them, but he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings or create more conflict by saying so.

Both of these are possible, but it’s important that you do not automatically jump to conclusions. Because sometimes, when a husband says he isn’t sure how he feels about you anymore, he is being completely truthful about this. Sometimes, he is genuinely confused about you, his feelings, his life, or the marriage.

I hear from many men on my “save my marriage blog” and I can tell you that their feelings truly run the gauntlet Some of them aren’t all that happy with their wives anymore, but they want to save the marriage because they made a commitment or because of their children. Others still feel love for their wife as a person, but they no longer feel as much romantic love toward her. This is sometimes because of the circumstances surrounding the couple’s marriage or lives and other times this is because that the couple have grown apart or have allowed the spark to leave their marriage.

But the good news is that it’s completely possible to change his feelings about you. This often happens when you change your circumstances, habits, or behaviors – which leads me to my next point.

What Can You Do When Your Husband Isn’t Sure How He Feels About You?: The first thing that I want to stress is that you should not panic. You can fix this. And, you should also know that its fairly common for a husband to mistaken in his assumption that his feelings for you are changing. I will explain. Sometimes, he feels stress, disappointment, or ambivalence about something else going on his life and he projects those feelings onto the person closest or most convenient to him. Who do you think that person is? You, of course.

If you’re thinking this isn’t fair, you’d be right. But, the truth is, since you can’t entirely know for sure why your husband isn’t sure of his feelings, you can take action no matter what the cause really is. Try to take an objective look at your marriage and your interactions with your husband and see if there are any areas where you might make improvements. How much time do you spend showing, giving and receiving both physical and emotional affection? How often do you laugh and play together? How often do you talk to maintain the feelings of intimacy and closeness?

I’m asking because many people do not realize that the way your spouse feels about you has nearly everything to do with how they feel about themselves and their situations when they are with you and when they are interacting with you in their marriage. So if things feels tense, or forced, or stressful and heavy, that’s when you start to get those ambivalent or negative feelings. As a result, one way to improve your husband’s feelings toward you is to improve the marriage that he shares with you.

I know that this sounds simplistic, but it really is a nearly universal truth. If your presence or interactions makes your husband feel insecure, angry, stressed, doubtful, dissatisfied, or anxious, all of these things are going to affect how he feels about you. Likewise, if you feel loved, appreciated, understood, funny, smart, and just a better version of yourself when you are around him, this too is going to affect the positive way that you feel about him and you will want to be around him more as the result.

I don’t mean to minimize what you are going through. I know that it is hard to hear that your husband isn’t sure how he feels about you, but I feel strongly that if you address whatever circumstances, stressors, or issues are standing between you or within your marriage, you can improve the feelings in the same way that you improve the circumstances.

Before we separated, my husband repeatedly told me he wasn’t sure how he felt about me. I panicked and immediately assumed the worst case scenario, which only made things worse. So, I had a lot of ground to make up when I tried to save my marriage. Once I learned that if I changed the circumstances, his feelings would also change, things improved immediately. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: To be honest, when you are newly separated, everything feels immediate. You feel as if you are on the verge of a major and irrevocable loss. So, the idea of being deliberate and slowly methodical does not appeal to many separated spouses who miss their significant other and who would do just about anything to get them back as quickly as is possible. Sometimes, though, this slower movement is the strategy that gets the best results. I will explain this more below.

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who describes it this way: “we have been separated for about three weeks because it was what my husband wanted. He has been going through some very heavy stuff personally. He wants time away from me. This breaks my heart, but he didn’t give me much of a choice in this matter. I try to call him every day. Some days, we have good conversations and other days, he seems to brush me off. I try to initiate getting together every weekend so far and he has been relatively receptive to this, although sometimes he seems to be more enthusiastic than others. My birthday is coming up. We always go to this bed and breakfast for my birthday. I would like to ask my husband to go with me and if we reconnect there, I would like to then ask him to come home. I have talked about this plan with my husband’s sister, with whom I am a very close friend. She said that this is a horrible plan and that she thinks that my best bet is to take it slowly. She says that rushing her brother is not going to get a good result. She is a good friend to me and usually gives good advice, but I don’t think that my husband is confiding in her so I have my doubts as to whether or not she is right. To me, you can and should go at the pace the separated spouse allows. Is it a good idea to take it slowly and to hold back?”

My answer to that truly does depend upon the situation. To be frank, if I had not slowed down the pace during my own separation, then I might not be still married today. When my husband and I started to make progress and he started to be receptive to me again after a very long time of pushing me away, I was so happy. Words can not describe my joy and relief when the tide turned in that way. And of course, I allowed my relief to push me to push him. Unfortunately, he saw this gentle pushing as pressure and he pushed me away once again. This was horrible news, made worse by the fact that I now had to start completely over. I wasn’t at square one. No, I was at less than zero. It took me a very long time to make up that lost ground, which could have been avoided if I had moved much more slowly.

Striking A Balance: My best advice is that, if your spouse has shown reluctance or resistance to you in the past, then it is best to let them set the pace if it is at all possible. That doesn’t mean that you don’t ever call them or ask them to do anything. But it is a good idea that if you are doing that, you make sure that for every time you initiate something, you wait for your spouse to do the same before you take the lead again.

In this case, I don’t think it would be horrible to mention that you will miss your trip to the bed and breakfast and that you wish things were different. In this way, you are able to feel out his response. If he were to say “well let’s go anyway,” then there is nothing wrong with going if he is enthusiastic about it.

Understanding The Risk: The real risk in moving too quickly is him pulling away completely because he feels too pressured. That’s why instead of out and out asking him, you’re better off putting feelers out to see how he might respond. If he doesn’t indicate that he’d still like to go or that he’s going to miss the trip too, then it’s my opinion that you are better off moving much more slowly.

And asking for a reconciliation when he hasn’t even been initiating anything at all is probably extremely premature. I am not saying this to discourage you. I am saying it because I’d like for you to have to avoid a set back that is hard and painful to overcome. Sometimes, it becomes very obvious that your separated spouse wants to take things to the next level and is pursuing you. When this happens and he is the one pushing the contact, then there’s no need to hold back unless you feel that resistance.

But that was not the case here. The wife was doing all the communicating and all the initiating and she herself admitted that her husband wasn’t always receptive. That reluctance is usually a good indicator that it is time to slow down. I know that it’s tough. But it is better to slow down and reconcile at a later time than to push and risk the entire reconciliation.

I wish that I had followed this advice during my own separation.  But I did not.  And before I knew it, my husband felt pressured and he backed away completely.   Moving slowly would have been best, but I didn’t.  And I had to start all over.  I was eventually successful, but I delayed my own progress by pushing.  You’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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