Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives in troubled marriages believe that if they can just get their husbands to commit to working together to save the marriage, then all their troubles will be solved. After all, if both spouses join forces and are motivated to make it work, how can they fail?

The problem is that, in reality, having two spouses who are equally committed is often just wishful thinking. It’s very rare to see both people enthusiastically on board. Typically, one spouse is most definitely driving the ship while the other watches from the shore. Understandably, this reluctance can be very frustrating when you are the spouse who wants to save your marriage more than anything and your husband is dragging his feet about making any commitment whatsoever.

A wife might say, “I know that my marriage is in trouble. My husband seems very uninterested in me and in our life together. He makes every excuse not to spend time with me. I am convinced that if we spent some quality time together, we could get back on track. When I mention this to my husband, he will shake his head, as if he agrees with me. But when I ask him what time he would like our dinner reservations or a counselor’s appointment – both things that are going to help us save our marriage – he begs off. He always has something else to do. I got frustrated last night and I snapped, ‘are you committed to saving our marriage or not?’ He wouldn’t answer. He would only say that he doesn’t feel that we need to make big dramatic plans about this. He says he wants to wait and see what happens, which I feel is code for, ‘I am not committed to making any effort whatsoever toward improving or saving this marriage.’ Where does this leave me? Because I’m very committed to saving my marriage and to do whatever is necessary to improve things between us. But I feel like I won’t have any success without his cooperation.”

You Can Usually Obtain His Cooperation And Commitment Gradually If You Play This Correctly: I understand your frustration. But I have to tell you that I’ve seen separations where both spouses were equally and enthusiastically committed end in divorce, and I have seen situations where husbands had one foot out of the door, yet the marriage ends up in a happy reconciliation.

My husband was not interested or committed and, at times, I became so discouraged that I considered giving up. In my case giving up would have meant a divorce because I was already separated. But, thankfully, I learned an important lesson. There is plenty that you can do to save your marriage all on your own. Yes, eventually you will need for your husband to make an effort and offer a commitment, but you don’t always need this initially. If you can show him steady improvement that doesn’t require huge amounts of pain and effort, he will usually gradually make more of a commitment as things begin to improve.

How To Read The Clues He Gives You To Make Important Marriage-Saving Changes Yourself: In this situation, the husband has given a clue that is very typical of many husbands in troubled marriages. He wants to “wait and see” without any set, sweeping plans. This may seem like a roadblock or set back, but all it’s actually an important clue if you read it correctly. He’s telling you that he may be more receptive if you come at him with low-key activities that don’t require big announcements.

In other words, he will likely be resistant to a formal dinner that requires reservations. But perhaps he is willing to take a walk after a dinner at home or sit together and watch a movie. Honestly, small, harmonious efforts strung together can strengthen your connection just as efficiently (and sometimes more so) than expensive, formal outings. Frankly, the less pressure you exert, the more cooperative your husband may be.

Yes, you are still trying to deepen your bond and strengthen your connection, but you are playing the long game with easy activities that he is unlikely to resist because the activities don’t necessarily look like marriage-savers.

Likewise, he may not be ready and willing to go to counseling tomorrow, but that doesn’t mean that he will never be willing – or that you can’t improve your marriage in your own home by identifying the issues that divide you and working on them as you can.

Why You Should Focus On Willingness Rather Than Commitment: Over time, I came up with a mantra during my own separation: Take what he will give you and build. You don’t necessarily need for your husband to loudly declare that he is completely on board and fully committed to saving your marriage. In fact, some days he may even oppose you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t eventually gain some ground.

Actually, you just need his willingness some of the time. Because you can build upon very little when you are willing to take a gradual approach. (And I know that a gradual approach can yield huge dividends.) Today he may not be willing to accept a dinner reservation, but that doesn’t mean that he won’t tomorrow.

The key is to take what he gives – even if it feels sparse at the time, and then increase what he gives as you can. Tonight it might just be a shared snack on the couch. Next week, it might be a cozy dinner at home. Next month, you might actually get the romantic dinner that you want right now. But you have to be willing to build up to that in the same way that you are going to build up to the commitment.

I learned that if he is unwilling to give you a commitment, stop asking for it. And accept his willingness instead. If you get enough instances of willingness, you will likely eventually get the commitment. You don’t need to push him for it or make any announcements about it, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t be actively seeking it, in a very gradual but effective way.

As I alluded to, my husband definitely wasn’t committed to saving our marriage. In fact, he was pretty sure that he wanted to end it. But that didn’t stop me from trying certain strategies myself. And one of them actually saved my marriage. The rest of the story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: My grandmother always told me to choose a man on whom I could count when the roof was leaking and the kids had a cold. “Good looks are of no use when your toddler has a fever and the mortgage is due,” she’d caution when I developed the habit of chasing a pretty face without much substance. “Pick someone who has your back when the chips are down.” I used to roll my eyes and think she wanted to bring me down. But now that I am an adult who has faced the hard times that she was describing, I realize that she was absolutely right.

And I know that I’m not alone. Especially right now with the coronavirus – when many of us are living with a high degree of stress in close quarters, we realize that we NEED a supportive spouse. Unfortunately, some people find that rather having a supportive spouse who has their back right now, they have a husband who couldn’t be worse in this time of crisis and in other hard times.

A wife might say, “I have known for a few years now that my husband isn’t that supportive during tough times. As just a few examples, when his mother became critically ill, it was me who took her to her doctor’s appointments and sat at her bedside. My husband said that he just was not “cut out” for that. To be fair, it was difficult to see his mother struggling in the way that she was, but when you love someone, don’t you suck it up and be there for them? Another example is that our daughter was getting bullied at school. My husband and I both emailed the teacher and she was completely dismissive and blamed my daughter for not sticking up for herself. My husband let it drop. I was the one who had to go to school to advocate for my daughter. And during this quarantine with COVID 19, I am the one homeschooling the kids and juggling everything. I am the one who had to call the mortgage company to ask for an extension. At the end of the day, I’m an exhausted mess, but do you think he props me up or pampers me in any way? No. He wants me to take care of him like I take care of the kids. I’ve realized that he is a taker, not a giver. I want to demand that he give me more support. But I feel like I’ll sound pathetic and demanding. Still, I have zero patience for his non-supportive attitude right now. Is it too much to ask?”

It’s Not Much To Ask Or Unfair To Expect Your Spouse To Support Your During Hard Times: It is definitely NOT too much to ask. I get a wide range of correspondence from people wanting their spouse to be more supportive. Admittedly, some expect their spouse to be their sole emotional support system. This may be asking a lot. But wanting your spouse to share in the every day emotional labor? That’s not a substantial amount to ask. That’s just fair play. One of the reasons we get married is because we want a life partner with whom we can hold hands and stand tall during dark days.

How To Get Him To Have Your Back When You Need Him The Most: Although I realize that it might be tempting to outline EXACTLY where he’s falling short and demand that he do better, you have to think about the approach that will give you the greatest chance of getting what you really want – his support. If you come across as accusatory, he will only reply with a defensiveness that is going to put you further away from your goal. If you come at him with positivity (even if it’s a little fake at first) he is MUCH more likely to respond with the behavior that you actually want to see.

In this case, you might try something like, “Honey, I know that you love me and you wish that you could lighten my load right now. I also know that you can’t read my mind. So could you help the kids with their homework for half an hour while I make dinner? That would help me tons.” Once he does this, make sure he knows how much you appreciate it. Lap on the praise so that he will do it again.  So thatthe next day, you can try a little more, with something like, “Can you watch the kids while I take a short bath?” Or, “Honey, can you just hug me and listen while I talk for ten minutes? I’m really stressed right now and it would help me to release some of this.” Again, when he complies, praise him. Eventually, you won’t have to praise him as much, as the behavior becomes a habit.

Notice how these phrases were extremely specific. By asking for exactly what you need, it’s much harder for him to ignore the request.

What If Nothing Changes?: For many spouses, this gradual, positive approach will do the trick. A spouse who loves you and wants you to be happy will usually rise to the occasion when you ask him directly for what you need. He knows that you are not asking for the moon and stars and that he would be a big jerk to just ignore your needs.

If he does not, you may need to get more specific and try something like, “When I ask for your support and you refuse or cannot give it, it makes me feel unloved. It makes me feel like I can’t depend on the person I love the most. I would do everything in my power to support you, but sometimes, I feel like you don’t feel the same way. What am I missing?” Notice that I used “I” phrases so that nothing here sounds accusatory. Saying “what am I missing?” allows him to give you an honest answer from his point of view so that you can actually gain some ground rather than continuing to go in circles.

I think it is very fair and very normal to expect your spouse to step up and support you during ALL times – difficult or easy. You both promised to do so when you got married. Difficult days make it more important that he makes good on this promise. So now is the time to ask for what you need in a way that makes you more likely to get it.

I absolutely do not think that you should ignore this issue.  Not supporting or listening to one another were among the issues that led to my husband and I separating.  This was a very painful time that could have been avoided. Thankfully,  after many costly mistakes, I learned how to get the very best out of my husband and we are much happier today.  You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who tell me that their husband is starting to show signs of a mid life crisis. Sometimes, he exhibits silly and troubling behavior like trying to dress hip, getting a new car, or getting what he thinks is a hip new hair cut or way of speaking. He may show some interest in working out or looking his best, or doing new things that he thinks are exciting while he still has the chance to do them. This can feel like a rejection sometimes, especially if he seems particularly distant, cold, or not as receptive to you, your marriage, or what you stand for. But some husbands take this even further and will come to believe that their marriage, their wife, or their life as it currently exists is holding them back or slowing them down. Sometimes, they will go so far as to ask for a break, separation, or eventually even a divorce.

I recently heard from a wife who admitted: “ever since my husband turned 45, he’s become obsessed with the way that he’s living his life and how much time he has left to enjoy it. He started going out more, working out more, and has picked up new and crazy hobbies like skydiving and motorcycling. When I bring this up, question him about it, or show concern, he tells me that I don’t understand and that I’m refusing to grow with him. I am not opposed to him growing or being happy, but I also have no interest in trying to reclaim my youth or act in silly ways. Apparently, we can’t just agree to disagree on this because my husband takes this to mean that we can’t be happy together, thanks to his new lifestyle. He told me last week that he wants a separation because he just doesn’t see us living happily together since we have different outlooks and values. What I really want to say is that we have different lifestyles because he has decided to go and have a midlife crisis, but I can’t say this. My kids are embarrassed of the way that their father is acting. And I don’t want to break up my family or get a divorce. I wish there was something that I could do to make him see that all of this separation talk is merely because he wants to restore his glory days which have long passed him by. What can I do?”

I get a lot of emails like this. Sometimes, it’s the husband writing and sometimes it is the wife. But no matter who it is, it involves a spouse who has become cold, distant or who wants a break or separation because of a “mid life” crisis or change in lifestyle or values. Many of the spouses are looking for a way to make their spouse see that this phase is going to eventually pass and not worth giving up their marriage and their family over. When my husband and I separated, it was pretty obvious that he thought of being married as something that kept him from having fun. So I have a definite opinion on this, which I will share below.

Even If You Know For Sure That Your Husband Is Having A Mid Life Crisis, You Don’t Want To Continue To Make That Accusation Because It Will Make Him Defensive: We might both know that men of a certain age have what is commonly known as a mid life crisis. And, the signs of it can be pretty clear. One day your husband might be the guy that you have always known and loved. And the next day, you might be looking at a silly stranger that is trying in vain to hang on to the last shreds of his youth. It can be frustrating to stand by and watch as this happens. In fact, sometimes it is downright embarrassing. But, here’s the thing. While his behavior might be so very obvious to you, it often is not nearly so obvious to him. And no one wants to admit to themselves that they are being an old fool who is acting in ways that are embarrassing to those that they love.

But when your husband’s midlife crisis no longer becomes that awkward and uncomfortable little phrase but crosses over into a threat to your marriage, you can find yourself in a position where you can no longer just sit back and idly watch. You feel the need to call his attention to his behavior in the first step toward saving your marriage. This is understandable. But you also need to understand that he probably isn’t going to want to admit what is happening to him. Once you use the “midlife crisis” phrase, he is very likely going to get defensive and might hurl an insult or two back at you. And worse, he might start to see you as the old stick in the mud who is trying to stand in the way of him having a good time. He may think that in order to really enjoy his life, he has to get away from you. That’s why, while you are waiting for this mid life crisis to pass, it’s important to prove to him (and yourself) that he can still have fun with you.

Try To Find A Compromise That Is Acceptable To Both Of You: One serious problem with this situation is that both people can feel like they are having to pretend to be someone that they are not in order to live in harmony within the marriage. The husband might think that the wife wants him to put a lid on the enjoyment of his new lifestyle. And the wife can feel as if she suddenly has to pretend to be the life of the party or to enjoy youthful pursuits that she might have enjoyed twenty years ago but finds absolutely silly today.

These two lifestyles can seem at odds at one another when you look at them with a first glance. But many couples are able to find a happy medium. You know the phrase opposites attract? Well, it can be true here. The couple can take turns doing things that the other enjoys. It wasn’t going to be the end of the world if the wife climbed on the back of the motorcycle ever once in a while simply because she loved her husband and wanted to spend time during something he enjoyed. And, the husband could concede to spend quiet evenings at home sometimes for the sake of the family. These kinds of compromises create balance and can ultimately create spice.

And if your husband still insists on wanting a separation even when you are making these concessions, then you might want to offer to give him more “space” while still he is still living at home. This way, he’s still at home and hopefully will be once this whole mid life crisis business begins to blow over.

The Midlife Crisis Doesn’t Always Last Forever: Wives often ask me when or if the midlife crisis is going to be over. Sometimes, it does blow over – at least to an extent. This sort of a crisis is usually a man facing his own aging and mortality and his response to the feeling that life is passing him by. So he’s trying to make some changes in order to live his life more fully. Of course, he can still live his life fully and remain married to you. And this is what your behavior must show him.

If nothing else, use this as a catalyst to spice up your marriage a little bit and add some excitement to your life. In that way, this troublesome time would have actually made an improvement and positive change in your life rather than bringing detrimental changes your way. Try to see this as an opportunity to examine your own life and what you want out of it. Because if you can, then perhaps you can both make some positive changes and compromises in your life and within your marriage.

As I said, when my husband and I asked for separation, he saw me as someone who was standing in the way of his carefree happiness. So I had to find a way to make compromises and fast. If it helps, you can read about how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I hear about many different types of marital problems from people who visit this blog. From infidelity to money issues, to differing personalities, many couples feel that their issues are unique and that they need a very complex plan (and a lot of luck) to fix them. I would never tell anyone that they don’t need to work hard to fix their problems. But I also believe that there is ONE key to solving any marital problem – no matter what it is. This one thing is the building block to the other components that you need to save your marriage. It is the first step on the walk to saving your marriage. At the risk of sounding overly simplistic, that building block is empathy – but not in the way that you might think.

Before you think that I don’t understand how complex your marital problems are, hear me out. I had severe marital problems. I was separated. And I had a husband who was not even remotely interested in reconciling. But it wasn’t until my spouse and I felt empathy for one another that we could begin to cultivate the next steps toward healing our marriage. Yes, we had to later develop intimacy, commitment, problem-solving, and coping mechanisms, but empathy was the first step.

Why A Loss Of Empathy Leads To Loss Of Intimacy And Commitment: Many people with marital issues see themselves as on opposing sides. They are frustrated that their spouse doesn’t even try to give them what they want. They often feel very misunderstood. These opposing forces often mean a loss of intimacy and commitment – you cannot save your marriage without eventually having these two things. Why are these things so important? Because when you have intimacy the issues suddenly become so much smaller. You are so much more willing to compromise and to roll up your sleeves and make it work. The same is true of commitment. If you are committed, you will not abandon your marriage when the going gets tough.

If either of these things seems a long way off, know that the first step toward them is empathy. And this is in the grasp of most couples if you know how to begin. If you can establish intimacy, you take the first step toward the path toward reconciliation.

An Important First Step In Developing Empathy: You may think that you already feel empathetic toward your spouse – at least some of the time. But it is important that you feel empathetic about the issues that divide you. Here is what I mean. Let’s say your main issue is money. You feel that your spouse is too controlling and cheap with money. And, as a result, you always feel like you have to wear your husband down so that he will loosen his grip on your finances. Rather than seeing him as a money-grubbing, penny-pincher, try to understand at least some of the reasoning behind his actions. Perhaps he is frugal because his family was poor when he was growing up. Maybe he had hard financial times as a result of an early, low-paying job. So he learned that it pays to conserve resources. Picture your husband as a poor child, as a hard-working young man, or whatever situation applies to him. When you can see him as vulnerable, your stance is going to change. Your anger and tone will soften. And suddenly, you may get somewhere.

How To Encourage Your Spouse To Feel Empathy Toward You: Once you begin to feel empathy toward your spouse, your stance will probably change and you will hopefully approach your spouse in the spirit of compromise. However, he may still be stuck in his previous stance. Getting him to feel empathy toward you may take a little time, but he can change in the same way that you did. The key is to get him to see that you are not unreasonable. In the same way that you are seeing him as the poor child or the underemployed young man, you can get him to see what is behind your stance. The next time that you want to discuss a problematic issue with your husband, make sure your tone is conciliatory. Using the above money example, you might try something like, “honey, can we talk for a second? I am going to make a purchase and I don’t want it to cause issues. I know that you are frugal and I understand why you are. But I need to feel like I have a say in financial decisions. When I don’t, I feel like I don’t matter. You know that I struggle with this insecurity, so I am asking you to be understanding.”

Use this method with every important but potentially problematic discussion you have with your spouse. Always take responsibility for your own feelings and use “I” phrases such as, “I feel hurt when you dismiss me,” instead of saying, “You never listen to me.”

When your approach is preemptive and cooperative, he will likely respond with compromise rather than anger. I hope that you see the difference. Once I understood this, it changed everything about my reconciliation.

The Steps After Empathy: Once you and your spouse are feeling empathy for one another, the next step is to begin to restore the intimacy. This is probably one of the most important steps in repairing or reconciling your marriage. Couples who are deeply connected cruise by minor issues and have a much easier time navigating major issues because they have their spouse’s back. They want their spouse to be happy and to feel loved and secure. Therefore, all roads lead to the same end – a marriage between two people who respect and care about one another. With this in place, the rest tends to fall into place.

I don’t mean to imply that developing empathy around your issues will solve those issues. It won’t. Be it will allow you to soften your tone and avoid additional confrontations so that you can slowly begin to restore the intimacy. As you and your spouse spend less time fighting, you can spend more time, side by side, participating in pleasurable, low-pressure activities that will bring you closer. As you restore the rapport and intimacy between you, your issues become much more manageable. And then the commitment falls into place.

No matter what issues divide you, if you can cultivate first empathy, and then intimacy, followed by commitment, you are well on your way to reconciling or repairing your marriage.

As I alluded to, our issues divided us so badly we separated.  However, once I was able to reestablish empathy and a sense of mystery, I could begin to slowly rebuild until we reconciled.  It was a complete about-face because my husband initially had no interest in saving our marriage.  You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s very frustrating when your spouse seems to make a very abrupt decision about your marriage and then tells you that there is nothing you can do to change his or her mind. It’s doubly frustrating when you suspect that your spouse is being advised by someone who doesn’t know you, or your marriage, at all.

I was recently contacted by a husband who noticed an undeniable change in his wife’s demeanor and stance after visiting a psychic. It is always illuminating to hear from husbands. Many of us wives assume that during marital turmoil or separations, the husband usually distances himself or “wants out.” However, I hear from a subset of husbands who desperately want to save their marriages and are willing to do anything to make that happen.

In this case, the couple’s marriage was in trouble because they had prioritized their finances. As parents, they understandably wanted their family to have a comfortable life. As a result, they worked opposing shifts and didn’t see one another enough to keep their marriage strong. I am paraphrasing the husband, but his narrative went something like this: “I made the mistake of thinking that being a good provider was what my family needed most. I wanted my kids to have every advantage, but while my wife and I were working so hard, our family life, and our marriage, suffered. I take responsibility for that. I also admit that I disengaged when my wife began to confront me about the state of our marriage. Her complaints felt very personal, and she said some hurtful things. I did not want to engage or make things worse, so I distanced myself. This was a mistake. Looking back, her words seemed like personal attacks. But she was possibly trying to get my attention. Despite this, I felt like we still loved each other. But that all changed after she visited a psychic. The woman who left that day was completely different from the woman who came home after having the psychic reading. She came home and was cold and uncommunicative. She accused me of ’emotionally abandoning’ her. She announced that she wanted to go to counseling, which I immediately scheduled. However, once we got to the counselor’s office, she refused to actively participate and then declared she wanted a divorce. She reasoned that people cannot change. She also insisted that she does not love me and will never love me again. She has taken down family photos and says she wants a divorce as soon as possible. I feel like something changed after the visit to the psychic. Or, I suppose she may have met someone else. I am working on myself and trying to remain positive, but I’d love a miracle to save my marriage. Is this even possible?”

I believe that anything is possible, but this situation is admittedly challenging. And it’s hard to speculate when I don’t know the personalities involved. That said, here are some insights that I hope might help.

Although It’s Tempting, Resist The Urge To Blame Outside Forces That Put You On Opposing Sides: The husband was taking responsibility for his part in the marital issues, and this should continue, despite the challenges ahead. I understand believing that the psychic’s visit contributed to the wife’s sudden change of heart. It must be very tempting to insist that this person knows nothing about the marriage, the husband, or even the wife.

However, you have to think about how the message will be received. This wife is likely in a delicate place. It may help to put yourself in her shoes. She’s about to make a huge change in her life and the past several months have probably been hard on everyone. Going to a psychic may imply that she was conflicted and searching. However, if you tell her that it’s foolish of her to make a life-altering decision based on the advice of a stranger, she may become defensive and distance herself even more. When you have a spouse who already wants a divorce, you can’t afford to put yourself on opposing sides. So, sometimes you have to bite your tongue and take a supportive, rather than combative, stance.

Follow The Clues Your Spouse Has Given You – Offer Unconditional Support: As difficult as this situation was, the husband DID have some clues as to which stance he should take. He knew that neglect had contributed to the breakdown of his marriage and he knew that his wife felt very resentful about what she perceived as “emotional abandonment.” So, the best stance going forward is probably going to be to try to be open, calm, and supportive. I know this is a tall order when she’s pushing you away and wanting to end your marriage as soon as possible. But offering support is probably the best way to get her to drop her defenses and to let down the wall that she is building around herself. It is also a good way to maintain a positive relationship with the mother of your children, which is very important. Ask her how she is faring. Offer to take the kids so that she can have some time for herself.

Continue With Individual Work: The husband already understood that working on himself was beneficial. That was half the battle. It is so tempting to wallow in despair and isolate yourself. But these actions do nothing to improve your situation. I would continue with counseling and self-work. A stronger version of yourself will fare better in whatever situation presents itself moving forward. You will likely be a better parent as well. Prioritize your health in every way that you can – mental and physical. Surround yourself with positive, supportive loved ones. Try very hard to keep placing one foot in front of the other and moving forward.

Use Your Time Wisely: I am not an attorney and can’t speak on how long your divorce will take. However, since there are children involved, it’s a fair bet that you will need to see your spouse during this process. Make these meetings count. Try to make sure they always end on a positive note so that your wife will think of you favorably as she looks back on the encounter. Ideally, each new encounter will build upon the positive aspects of the previous one. Present yourself as someone who cares very much about his family and his marriage, but who also cares about himself and therefore, is coping.

If possible, suggest family counseling. She may only agree to this for the kids, but that is better than nothing. Counseling is not only beneficial for all involved, but it will give you more time to spend with your spouse and your family in a supportive setting.

Be Prepared To Regroup And React When Needed: It may be reassuring to know that a spouse’s attitude and stance can change dramatically during this process. No one can predict the future, but your spouse may lose some of her resolve in the coming days. She could also cling even more tightly to it, even if she is privately having doubts. Try to watch and listen very closely so that you can respond accordingly. Some days, she may be receptive and you may be able to gain some ground. Other days, you may need to back off. You must be able to identify, (and respond appropriately to,) these opportunities and setbacks. And this comes back to the emotional intelligence and support that we have been talking about all along. If you can become very good at putting yourself in your wife’s shoes, it is much easier to know when opportunities present themself.

Hang in there. I know that this is difficult. I also concede that there is luck involved. But keep moving forward and keep an eye out for opportunities to reach out to and move closer to your spouse. If you keep setting up positive encounters that show your spouse that you CAN be emotionally supportive and available, you never know what might happen.

I was sure my own marriage was over and my husband was completely done with our marriage. I was pleasantly surprised that there was an in where I could turn things around. That story is on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from people who are getting ready to start a trial separation. Most of the people who contact me never wanted the separation in the first place. Usually, they are just trying to comply with their spouse’s wishes. Sometimes, their spouse has made it clear that a separation is going to happen whether they like it or not, but rather than getting a divorce, it’s usually suggested that a trial separation might be the better route. And while a trial separation does allow you to continue to hold onto your marriage and still a chance to save it, living through a trial separation can be really difficult.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “my husband had been pushing for a trial separation for several months. Finally, he pretty much told me that if I wouldn’t agree to the separation, he was going to go ahead and file for a divorce. So I felt as if I really had no choice but to comply. But the separation has been just awful. I miss my husband so much. And I had hoped that being away from me would make him miss and appreciate me, but it hasn’t appeared to work that way. He’s just as distant and cold as he has been all along. When I ask him how he’s feeling and what he’s thinking, he doesn’t want to talk about it. Apparently, I’m just supposed to go along with the trial separation and not ask any questions or make any demands. It’s as if I’m just supposed to take what he gives me. I don’t know how I’m going to survive this. Every day is a huge challenge and I just feel more and more hopeless all of the time. How am I going to get through this?”

I know from my own experiences that you are going through a very difficult time, but you can and will get through this. In the following article, I will offer some tips for successfully surviving and getting through the trial separation in a way that hopefully leaves your sanity and your marriage intact.

Define And Understand The Goals And The Boundaries Before The Awkwardness Sets In: It can be very beneficial if you can set it up so that you both have an understanding as to how the trial separation is going to work. How often are you going to contact and see each other? Who is going to take the initiative to contact who? What are you trying to evaluate or decide while separated? What needs to happen or occur for the marriage to be saved? Of course, it may not possible to answer all of these questions. And your spouse may not even be willing to define everything. But, it is always better to try to reach an understanding early in the process before things get awkward or misunderstandings or hurt feelings occur.

Try To Make The Time Apart Help The Situation Rather Than Making It Worse: I know that if you are reading this article, you likely miss your spouse very much and this separation is almost like a form of torture for you. But, if your spouse has asked for a separation or space, then this is very indicative that some time apart might actually be an opportunity for your marriage rather than a curse. Because if your spouse felt strongly enough about the situation to ask for a break, then it’s pretty likely that he felt that things were bad enough and unlikely enough to change that he felt that action was necessary.

The separation can be the break that can give you both the perspective that you need to save the marriage. Many spouses end up missing each other and realizing that they really do want to salvage the marriage. But this is less likely if you work against the process rather than with it. Resist the urge to call, text, or demand too much from your spouse. Give them the time and space that they’ve asked for and there’s a chance that this will work to your advantage.

If It’s Hard For You To Accept The Distance, Consider Doing Something To Make Over Reaching Very Difficult For You: During my separation, it was nearly impossible for me to give my husband the space he wanted and apparently needed. I always wanted to call, go by, or reach out to him. But every time I tried to do this, it was obvious that he was not receptive and was getting frustrated with me always being around. I understood that I needed to back off but I just couldn’t seem to.

I knew that I needed support from family and friends and I also knew that if I was in the vicinity of my husband, I could not resist making a pest of myself. So I went back home to see my extended family (which was hundreds of miles away.) This was hard at first but it forced me to back off a little bit and it meant that I was with and supported by people who loved and supported me. This eventually improved my attitude and outlook and little by little, this helped to improve things with my husband, who became interested again when I wasn’t so accessible.

I know that a trial separation is difficult. But try very hard to allow it to make him miss and want you rather than making him think that he must divorce you to finally get the space he wants. Even if you don’t feel confident, try to project confidence and a belief that the separation won’t last forever and when it is over, it will reveal two people who still love and are committed to one another.

The time period when I was separated from my husband was among the most challenging in my life. But the tighter I clung, the more difficult it was. It wasn’t until I forced myself to back up that things improved. If it helps you can read the story of how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Lesle Cane: I find it interesting that there is often a perception that differing personalities spice up a relationship early on, but hurt that same relationship once it has become a long-term marriage. In other words, it’s sexy when young opposites attract, but it’s a problem when those same people have been married for some time and now find themselves with absolutely nothing to talk about and a marriage that has become stale.

A wife might explain, “I have come to a troublesome conclusion. I have nothing in common with my husband anymore. Our children are older. We have more time to spend alone. But now we have nothing to talk about. We were never completely similar, but we were not complete opposites. And we wanted the same things out of life. I used to be more rebellious and free-spirited. But now that I am a parent, I have become more conservative. My husband has not. He is still a risk-taker who likes nothing more than to place his focus on fun and the present. I tend to place my focus on planning and the future. So it should be no surprise that my husband spends his weekends immersed in sports and friends while I spend mine on quiet pursuits like reading and crafts. I love to learn and always want to better myself while he’s content to just enjoy the present and not worry about the future. We also differ in how we relate to and parent our kids. He is extremely permissive, and I am more strict. He acts as if I am a kill-joy, stick-in-the-mud, and he often makes fun of my conservative decisions. Still, he is my husband. I love him. He’s a fun dad, and my kids adore him. But I’m very worried about our marriage, especially as my kids get ready to leave for college. I can foresee a future where we have an empty house and tons of free time, and we just sit there in silence since we have nothing in common. As it is, my husband spends most of his free time with his friends rather than with me. And when we try to spend together, it’s awkward and forced. As I try to brainstorm ways that I can save this marriage, I honestly don’t know where to begin because we are so different. How can you save your marriage when you don’t have anything in common anymore?”

I believe that you CAN save your marriage when you and your spouse have different personalities and interests because I have done it. I am a book worm, but my husband may only skim the sports section in the Sunday paper. I’m an extreme introvert while my husband is the life of the party. I am not having much difficulty quarantining because I am such a home-body, but my husband is suffering because he craves outside interaction. Still, we were able to save our marriage after a separation despite all of these things. I’ll offer some tips from what I learned from that experience below.

Know That Your Differences Can Enhance Your Life Together When You Are Both Invested In Intimacy And Commitment: I firmly believe that married couples do not need to be carbon copies of one another. I’ve come to see marital differences as assets. Sure, sometimes we enjoy different types of activities. But we both agree that our marriage, our family, and our relationship are the glue that keeps us together. Perhaps because our marriage was once at risk when we separated, we are now deeply committed to making it work. If you and your spouse can agree that your marriage and the closeness of your relationship is a shared a priority, then you are always going to have a joint place on which to place your focus.

Even If You Don’t Share The Same Passions, You Can Benefit From Taking An Interest In Your Spouse’s Passions And Vice Versa: I once told a therapist that I had no interest in sports. Her response was to ask me if I had any interest in my husband. “Of course I do,” I stammered. “Well,” she replied, “then it is in your best interest to develop a passing interest in sports.” I was a bit resentful because I assumed my husband wasn’t suddenly going to be passionate about classic literature on my behalf. But I was partially wrong. I realized that I couldn’t claim that I loved to learn new things when I was completely unwilling to try to learn what entranced him about sports. So I asked him to teach me the ins and outs of hockey. And I found that I enjoyed some aspects of it. Likewise, although he is never going to read the classic literature that I love, he is more than willing to watch movie adaptations of some of my favorites. (He has come to love the Tom Hardy version of Wuthering Heights.)

Know That If You Keep An Open Mind, You Can Easily Develop Joint Interests And Passions: If both parties are willing to try new things, it is very easy to forge new, joint interests. Our watching movie adaptations of the classics led to a joint curiosity about different periods in history. This, in turn, led to a new joint obsession – historical travel and documentaries. We now love to travel to historic sites and learn about the history, the people, and the culture. (And yes, we visit sporting events and author homes when we travel.) Because we do not have unlimited money or time off, we work together to prioritize our travel preferences and goals. This has deepened our knowledge of one another and our intimacy. We can also see how our differences are beneficial when we travel. I am so grateful for my husband’s extroversion when we are lost or are group traveling. And he is grateful that I can easily make-do when things do not go as planned, as all I need is a book to be entertained for hours.
We also love watching historical documentaries together to plan our next trip.

Once you and your husband open your minds to learning more about each other’s interests, you may very easily find places where they overlap so that you can find joint interests that you can easily pursue together. Pursue those things with enthusiasm, and before you know it, you may realize that you have a lot more in common than you thought.

Even If You Think That You Don’t Love Your Spouse’s Interests, You Love Him, And That Is A Start: In truth, you DO have joint interests – your lives together, your joint families, your home, and your marriage. This is fertile ground on which to start. And, because you love your spouse, you have a strong motivator to try to at least appreciate (if not attempt to share) his interests. When my small niece used to complain about classmates that were annoyingly different, I would always respond with, “how boring life would be if we were all alike.” And yet, for some reason, we expect this of our spouse. I have found that if you embrace your differences but always use your loving relationship to center you, then it’s not that you “have nothing in common,” it’s just that you have differences that, when used correctly, can enhance your lives and your marriage.

As I alluded to, our differences were a factor in our separation, but I have learned that, if I approach our differences correctly, they are really assets.  Although my husband and I do not appear to have much in common on the surface, we have cultivated a joint life together that we both make a priority. Cultivating this attitude wasn’t always easy, but it was worth it.  You can read more about our reconciliation and the lessons we learned at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Some wives want to be faithful and patient while they are waiting for their separated husband to come back home. They hope that if they don’t pressure him and try to be supportive, he will eventually appreciate this and come back.

But a wife might have this concern: “my husband left me four months ago. He’s often reluctant to take my calls. We hardly ever see one another because he avoids me. My mother says that I should let him come to me. She says if I just give him some space and patiently wait, he will come back. Is she right? It’s hard to have this kind of faith when he’s not doing anything to show me any encouragement.” I will try to address these concerns as the following article.

Backing Off Can Be Helpful, But Waiting Passively Usually Isn’t: I often agree that backing off and giving your husband some space can be a good idea.  However,  just sitting at home and passively waiting for your husband to come back is, in my opinion, not the best idea.    It weakens your position and paints you as someone who has nothing better to do than sit at home and wait for someone else.

You can back off without passively waiting.  There’s nothing wrong with letting him come to you, but when you do, you should also be working on yourself and keeping yourself active and busy.  Sometimes, your husband will wonder what you are up to and may reach out to you.  And when he does, it’s important that it’s obvious that you’re not just idly sitting around waiting for him to come back.    There’s a big difference between giving him space while hoping he will come back and appearing to not having any other options so that you appear dependent on the fact that he will.

It Will Benefit You To Work On The Issues That Lead To Him Leaving In The First Place: It’s very easy to feel helpless while you are waiting for him to decide when, or if, he’s coming back.  But, it’s important that you’re not being passive during this time.  There is usually plenty that you can do to improve yourself and your situation.  One possibility is working on any issues that caused him to leave in the first place.  Many wives will respond this with something like “but our marital problems were joint issues so I can’t work on this on my own unless he’s willing to work with me.”  This isn’t entirely true.  It’s optimal if he agrees to cooperate, but it’s not always necessary.  There are usually some things that you can do on your own.  You can go to individual counseling or you can educate yourself on changes that you can make to or within yourself to strengthen your marriage.

People often have their doubts about individual changes, but I firmly believe that changing just yourself, your own perceptions, your behaviors, and your reactions can drastically change your marriage, even if are the only one making the changes and even if you are the only one aware of those same changes.

I realize that you may have doubts about this, but what do you have to lose?  Improving yourself will keep you busy, improve your life, and it might give you a better chance to save your marriage.  I don’t see any potential downside to it.   But it truly is your decision to make.

So to answer the question posed, I can’t tell if your husband will come back if you wait patiently for him.  But it is my opinion that it can help your situation to give him space and to very actively and deliberately pursue information and activities that improve you and your marriage while you are waiting.  In my experience, if your husband thinks that you are sitting at home waiting for him, this does little to improve your situation.  But, if he knows that you are keeping busy while remaining open to him coming home, this can be helpful.   However, only you know your situation, why he left, and what he responds to best.  In my experience, though, it’s best to combine the waiting with activity so that you aren’t just being passive and hoping for the best.

When my husband first left and we began our separation, I tried the patient and supportive approach and I felt like a doormat.  Plus, this didn’t do much to help my marriage.  It wasn’t until I combined strategy and being active while waiting that I began to gain any ground.  Eventually, this allowed me to save my marriage and lure him home.   If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are extremely hurt because their husband has admitted that his feelings for them have changed.  Sometimes, he admits that he no longer feels the same way that he used to.  Often, the husband will insist that he still loves his wife, but he will make a distinction that he’s no longer “in love” with her or he’ll stress that he doesn’t feel the same way as he did very early on in their marriage.

I heard from a wife who expressed something similar to: “My marriage has been on the decline for a while, but I still love my husband.  Apparently, he doesn’t feel the same way about me.  The other day we got into a fight and he turned his back on me and began to walk away.  I told him that you shouldn’t walk away from someone that you are supposed to love.  After the words came out of my mouth, my husband gave me a very odd look.  Something told me that I should ask him if he loves me.  So I did.  And he hesitated.  So I repeated ‘you don’t love me?’  And once again he just stared at me.  I asked him to sit down so that we could have a conversation about this.  Finally, it came out that he doesn’t feel the same way about me as he did when we first got married.  However, he insists that he still loves me but says he no longer feels those passionate, ‘in love” toe-curling type of feelings that he used to feel.  This has me so worried about my marriage because I am still in love with him.  I asked him if he wanted a separation and he said not right now, but he may in the future.  I have no idea what to do or how to respond to this.”

Taking Immediate Action Is Better Than Just Hoping For The Best:  I felt that this wife was absolutely right to be concerned about this.  Many wives don’t want to face up to major problems and will just tell themselves that you can’t expect the passion to last forever.  And while that might be a valid point, I know from experience that when your husband tells you very directly that his feelings for you have changed, you should not only pay attention, but you should take quick action.  I tried to tell myself that things really were fine when my husband started dropping hints about his changing feelings and this turned out to be a mistake that almost costs me my marriage.   I believe that it’s a potentially terrible mistake to just sit back and hope that things work themselves off.  Because many times, they won’t.  It’s so much better to be proactive and to begin to make changes before things have reached a crisis level. It’s easier to improve or even save your marriage when your husband still has loving feelings for you.

Know That Those Loving Feelings Are A Great Foundation, But You Need (And Deserve) More:  The very successfully married couples who remain mostly happy throughout their lives are those who don’t really lose their passionately affectionate feelings for each other or that knowledge that they are in love with their spouse.  Of course, passionate love does wane a bit over time but couples who are still deeply bonded do want to touch one another or express those loving feelings even if that reaching out to each other isn’t always sexual in nature.  Even if you’ve been together for a long time, you still deserve a relationship in which your spouse feels very closely bonded to and affectionate toward you.  There’s a difference in loving someone because they are your spouse or the father or mother of your children and loving them because they elicit feelings within you.  If you’re no longer at this point, know that you deserve and need this type of love.  And with some attention and time, you can return your marriage to this place.

Make The Process Or Returning The Romantic Love A Priority and  A Pleasure:  Many people make the mistake of panicking and of thinking that they have to make very drastic changes almost immediately. Try not to make this mistake.  Because it’s very common for people to suddenly demand very drastic behaviors or actions that your spouse may outright reject.  For example, many wives will suddenly assume that their husbands are going to divorce them and so they demand counseling or something that many husbands will feel reluctance toward.  Sometimes you have to be very careful that you make this process one that is actually fun for both of you.  Instead, of making your spouse reluctant about the process, you want them to embrace it so that they will be a willing (rather than a reluctant) participant.

Try to take a very honest look at what your spouse wants from you.  Ask yourself if your marital activities have become stale or if you’ve stopped putting in the time and effort.  Try to be very objective.  This step is important because in order to get your spouse on board, you’ll need to show him that improving your marriage will directly benefit him and help him to get more of what he truly wants.  Many men miss physical intimacy.  So it helps to show him that by giving you more of what you want, he’s going to get more of the physical contact that he wants.  This often strengthens your marriage on multiple levels and it is often the fast track to return those feelings of being “in love.”

I still remember very vividly when my husband told me his feelings had changed.  It felt as if my whole world started spinning.  Unfortunately, though, I panicked and this only made the situation worse.  I had a lot of ground to make up by the time I educated myself on what it would truly take to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read about how I completely changed our marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By Leslie Cane:  I often hear from people (usually wives) who are trying to successfully navigate a trial separation.  Many go into the trial separation as a last resort in the hopes that this will save their marriage rather than hurt it.   I often have wives email me and ask me for some tips on handling the trial separation so that it makes saving your marriage more likely than a divorce or a continuous separation.  So, in the following article, I’m going to be offering some tips on the best way to handle a marital separation when you want it to ultimately save your marriage rather than to end it.

Understand That Time And Space Can Actually Be Beneficial To Your Marriage During The Separation: I completely understand fearing a separation.   The last thing I wanted when my own husband told me he needed “space” was to give in and agree to a separation.  But sometimes, it becomes obvious that your husband is going to accept no alternative and you realize that when you are looking at a separation or a divorce, the separation is the most preferable of the two.   And, if this is unavoidable, it can truly help to understand that, when done correctly, it doesn’t have to mean the end of your marriage.  In fact, sometimes, it can actually help.  When played correctly, the time and space can actually be beneficial.  It allows your spouse to miss you and it allows some of the drama and the immediacy of the situation to fade.  Things calm down.  Things are put into perspective.  Anger fades.  People realize how much this void affects them and they hopefully eventually decide that it’s better to try to save the marriage than to just let the marriage go.

No Matter How Lonely, Scared, Or Panicked You Feel During The Separation, Don’t Allow This To Affect Your Interactions With Your Spouse: When you are separated, every interaction counts.  This is the time when you and your spouse are making life long decisions about how you want to move forward.  So, it’s very important that your spouse perceives you positively right now.  That’s why sometimes,  you’ll need to put your best foot forward and save any fear, loneliness, or panic for when you are alone.  But when you are interacting with your husband, it’s important that you show him the best, most upbeat parts of yourself.

I know that I’m asking a lot.  And this was particularly difficult for me during my own separation, but once I literally forced myself to do this, things were much better between us.  Think about it.  In general, people don’t respond well to negative emotions that elicit guilt or confused feelings.  So if you display these things, you are likely insuring that this process works against you rather than working for you.

I know that this sometimes requires a bit of acting, but, in the end, it’s definitely worth it.  Remember that husbands will usually respond positively to your positive behaviors.   It’s human nature to be drawn to people who make you feel good about yourself, and the situations in which you find yourself in.  If you can find a way to elicit positive rather than negative feelings during the separation, you’re likely going to find that you have an easier job in the end.

Navigating The Delicate Dance Between Making Him Miss You And Clinging Too Tightly: I encourage you to have contact with your spouse during the separation. I’d never advocate ignoring your spouse or pretending that you just don’t care.  But, with that said, you don’t want to go overboard and cling too tightly so that he feels that he needs to avoid you or even lie to you in order to get the space that he’s after.  Part of making yourself appear as attractive as possible is creating mystery.  And part of creating mystery is not being immediately available every second of every day. (I learned this the hard way but I eventually learned it.)

You want for your spouse to know that you respect yourself enough to stay busy, see your friends, and go about your day to day activities.  This doesn’t mean that you don’t have any time for your spouse.  In fact, I suggest trying to create a schedule or understanding as to regular times to get together.  But, you also don’t want your spouse to think that you’re going to jump every time that they call or make contact.  If you do, you devalue your currency with them. Once I understood how important it was the create this mystery, saving my marriage became a possibility.

Don’t Feel Like You Have To Solve All Of Your Problems During Your Separation.  In Fact, You Really Shouldn’t Place Too Much Focus On Your Problems: Many couples automatically assume that if they can’t work out their problems while they are separated, then they won’t be able to get back together.  But, if you focus on your problems so much that this separates you even further or makes things worse, then you aren’t helping your cause any.  And when you hyper-focus on your problems, you almost give them more power.

I’m not saying that you should ignore real problems.  But sometimes, it’s better to wait until you’re back on solid ground before you try to work through the very difficult issues.  It’s always better to reestablish the bond and get back on solid ground before you try to tackle the really difficult stuff.  You want your spouse to associate you with positive things right now.  But if they associate you with having to “work out” difficult or painful issues, then they might start to avoid you more or to subconsciously develop negative perceptions about you and this isn’t likely to help you much during the separation.

Instead, you want for them to have positive perceptions about you so that when they think of you, they question or want to shorten the separation rather than wanting to lengthen it or make it more permanent.  I can’t stress this enough.  It took me entirely too long to understand these principles, but once I did, this changed everything and helped me save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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