Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who will tell you that they are willing to do just about anything to save their marriages. Many of them are technically separated and living apart. Others have agreed to give their spouse “space.” Either way, most wives desperately miss their husbands and want to find some way to save their marriage, even if they have to do it alone.

Understandably then, many wives will try to be overly nice and accomodating in the hopes that this will make their husbands think of them favorably or want to reconcile.

Or, some wives may take the opposite stance and try to identify and then fix their marital problems so that the husband has no reason to want to stay away. Although these strategies are completely understandable, some wives worry that these sudden, and obviously dramatic, changes won’t land quite right.

A wife might say, “My husband has been restless in our marriage for several months. Right now, we are ‘taking a break’ from one another, but I feel like this is code for the start of ending our marriage. My husband claims that this isn’t so, but he hasn’t shown a lot of interest in reconciling. So I’ve tried various things to change his mind. First, I tried being extremely sweet and affectionate. He was polite, but honestly, he rejected me. He didn’t come out and say for me to leave him alone, but he doesn’t respond to any of my overtures. After that, I decided that we needed to fix some things that I knew were wrong in our marriage. But when I attempted to discuss this with my husband, he said he just wasn’t ready to start working on our marriage and that he just wanted to take some time and see what happened. I have talked to mutual friends about how I should move forward, and most of them tell me that I am trying too hard and that I need to let my husband come to me. Are they right? Because honestly, if I try to let him come to me, I’m scared that he never will.”

Why Very Few Aggressive Strategies Work On A Husband Seeking Space: This is a tricky spot, that I was in myself. Honestly, very few of my overly aggressive strategies ever worked. Initially, I attempted to convince my husband that he was wrong to even want space. When that didn’t work, I tried to guilt, push, and strong-arm him into giving me more reassurance and access to him. I received less access as a result. Then, I tried to convince him that if we just worked on our marriage, we would prevail. The problem with this strategy is that he wanted space from me, not to join forces. So ultimately, this meant even less access to him.

It took too long for me to realize that I was only working with ONE person willing to take immediate action – myself. I had to take an honest look at our situation and realize that, in order to get my husband interested in reconciling, I first had to get him thinking favorably of me again. So I had to set my goals much, much lower. And I had to make myself strong, capable and growing. Because ultimately, this evolving person was going to be much more attractive than the desperate, reaching person I’d been.

If you are trying a very sweeping, ambitious strategy, you may want to consider setting the bar lower and working in gradual ways. In my observation and experience, you will get many more wins this way.

Inauthentic Behavior As A Form Of Self Sabotage: I know that you want to use any strategy that will give you a favorable response. And I admit that sometimes you have to display attitudes and behaviors that place you in a positive light to maintain positivity between you.

Because if your relationship turns even more negative, then it is extremely hard to gain any ground. That said, never forget that your husband knows you better than anyone else. So he is going to be able to immediately know if you’re being blatantly fake and ingenuine.

I know that it is a unique tight rope that you are walking. You have to become very good at reading your husband’s responses and adjusting accordingly. Sometimes, you will have to give him space and try again at a later time. Other times, you will need to seize upon the opportunities that he gives you. All the while, you have to be a genuine, but positive, version of yourself.  If you can’t be genuine in any behavior or action, you’re better off not even attempting it.

Giving Space While Making Gains: I realize that some people reading this article may be discouraged and thinking that there is nothing they can do to advance their marriage while their spouse is taking the space.

This just isn’t true. But, you may have to start with yourself, as you are the most captive audience that you have. Look for places in your marriage that only need adjustments from you. If you are honest, you can always find these places. You can easily make these adjustments while you are giving him space.

Should You Let Him Come To You?: In my experience, yes and no. Many wives take the “giving space” to extremes. I never had success with this, either. What I found to work for me was to always maintain respectful contact. I learned to text rather than to call unannounced. If my husband wasn’t particularly chatty or responsive, I would just ask how he was, let him know I was thinking of him, and then move on.

However, if he was suddenly more interested and receptive, then I would definitely take advantage of this to try to maintain (and build upon) positive access.

Now, when we began to have more intense communications and we began to see one another in ways that made it obvious a reconciliation might be on the table, I did let my husband take the initiative. Because of previous experience, I was scared of continuing to push and then have him retreat again. Thankfully, this worked well.

I believe that it is possible to sabotage yourself when you go against the grain of what your husband has asked for. That said, you CAN make small, gradual gains by taking the progress that he allows. My husband and I reconciled and are still together today because I accepted and capitalized on a more gradual strategy.  You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It can be very painful when your spouse suddenly wants space from you, or, even worse, a separation. But the pain is intensified when you realize that at least some of your spouse’s complaints are legitimate and that it may be too late to make things right. One example is when your husband accuses you of not appreciating him enough during your entire marriage, and you realize with a sinking heart that he is not completely wrong.

A wife might say, “honestly, I always knew that my husband was a very good man. That is one of the main things that attracted me to him in the first place. During all of life’s tribulations and challenges, he has always been a steady source of comfort and support. People would tell me how lucky I was to have him, and intellectually, I knew that this was true. But at the same time, I sometimes got the vibe that some people actually thought that my husband was the lucky one. I don’t mean to be vain, but people often tell me that I am very good looking. My husband will tell you that he is average looking. I think that this may have caused some tension in our marriage sometimes. A few months ago, my husband’s mother did not feel well. My husband took complete responsibility for her medical care. It took them way too long to diagnose her, but it turns out that she was very ill. And within weeks, she suddenly died. My husband downplayed the severity of this situation during the entire time. I offered support all along, but when his mother passed away, he suddenly felt resentment toward me because I didn’t help out enough – even though he told me that he would take care of everything. Now, he is saying that he feels like he needs ‘space.’ I asked him if this means that we are separating. He said not yet. But he is insisting that throughout our marriage, I have not appreciated and supported him enough and this thing with his mother is just one example. At first, I was defensive. But once I calmed down and thought about it, I realize that he has a point. I always allow him to be the one to take care of our major life issues. I feel awful about this, and I realize that he is right. But now I worry that it is too late. I worry that I am going to lose him, and I don’t know what to do.”

Your Husband’s Reaction Is Hurtful, But Not Uncommon: I’m sorry that you are going through this. Giving a spouse space is extremely scary, but please know that it is very common for someone to pull away and to question their life and their marriage following the serious illness or death of a parent. Unfortunately, people have a tendency to make drastic life decisions when they feel adrift in this way.

Share Your Important Realizations With Him. It May Not Be Too Late: You should absolutely discuss your realizations with your husband. Yes, he’s taking drastic action, but this doesn’t mean that he won’t eventually change his mind.

You might try something like, “after thinking very deeply about what you’ve said, I want you to know that in some ways, you are absolutely right. I got very used to you taking care of things because you did such a wonderful job of it. And, I got spoiled by you taking the lead. I should have just jumped in and supported you without being asked. I’m so sorry about this and if you give me the chance, I will prove to you that I am capable of equally contributing to this marriage. I do love and appreciate you more than I can express and I would like the opportunity to eventually prove that to you if you’ll allow it. I know that perhaps you need more time, but I am here whenever you are ready.”

Know that he may not take you up on this right away. He may need time to grieve and ponder what he wants moving forward.

Be Careful Of Pushing Before He Is Ready To Move Forward: I know that you want reassurance right now, but I can tell you from my own experience during my own separation that it is in your best interest not to push. I was eventually able to end my separation and save my marriage, but I saw absolutely no improvement until I accepted that I would have to move at a gradual pace, as my husband’s receptiveness allowed.

I realize that this requires a great deal of patience and compassion at a time when you’ve very afraid of losing your husband and therefore want a quick and favorable resolution. But pressing for this will usually mean that your husband will pull back and you’ll need to wait even longer.

Your best bet is to support him in any way that he will allow and to show him that you do appreciate him, that you know that he is absolutely worth waiting for and that you are willing to do just that. I know that this is a very difficult time, but often if you play your cards right with compassion and patience, you will be rewarded with a second chance. When you get it, do everything in your power not to take him for granted again.

I did get this second chance and believe me, I would never ever squander it.  If it helps, you can read about how I was able to pull this off at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  It may surprise you to learn that one of the most common topics that I am asked about is a spouse that doesn’t make  the other spouse feel special or understood.  The older I get and the more life and relationships that I experience, the more I realize that the need to feel as if you matter is a very basic and essential need.   Our society today reflects this.  All you have to do is look on social media to see people literally begging for attention.  Sadly, in our society today, you seemingly have to do a WHOLE lot to get attention.  In fact, much of the time, you have to be dysfunctional to get any attention.  At least that’s what we learn from celebrities.

So it’s no wonder that our society in general is pretty starved to feel like we are seen and like we matter.  And, if people want attention from anyone, they want it from their spouse.  Some feel that their spouse just doesn’t make them feel special or important enough.   And others will tell you that their spouse doesn’t make them feel anything at all – because their spouse completely ignores them so that they feel virtually invisible.

Someone might say: “I admit that my husband and I have always been understated people.  We are both introverts so we’ve never been ones to make a huge fuss over each other. But we’ve always been companions who have had good conversations and nice, quiet times together.  But, for the last year or so, things have changed.  My husband isolates himself and pretty much ignores me.  We rarely talk anymore.  Yes, we sit side by side and watch a movie occasionally.  Sometimes, he will mention things that he has seen in the newspaper.  So we might share small talk every once in a great while.  But for the most part, he makes me feel pretty much ignored.  I can’t think of anything that I might have done to offend him.  I occasionally try to make conversation, but he doesn’t follow along.  I love my husband and I would never want to date or go back out there socially.  I would never be compatible with someone else – as introverted as I am. But I feel so lonely in my own home.  What is so wrong with me that my own husband makes me feel invisible?”

There is nothing wrong with you. Believe it or not, what you are experiencing is a very common problem.  Many people indicate that they feel lonely in their own marriage and even sometimes, with their own children.  As I alluded to before, our society no longer prioritizes face to face or quality time together.  We sit side by side, engaged in electronics.  We text instead of call.  In a way, we are losing our ability to engage with our fellow human beings.  And, if we are going to stand a chance at all to maintain our personal relationships, then we have to fight for them.

I know what you might be thinking: “But how do I fight by myself when my spouse won’t engage with me?”  First, you ask him bluntly if you’ve done anything to make him retreat from you.  If he still answers in the negative, you might try: “well, I’ve watched very closely over the past week and we’ve interacted about ______ times (fill in the blank.)  I try to talk to you and you don’t really respond.  It makes me feel ignored and I’m wondering what I did to deserve this. Because it’s not healthy for our marriage.  I’m not asking you to become a chatty conversationalist, but I don’t want to feel ignored in my marriage.  Can we do better?  I miss our talks.  I want to feel included again.  Do you at least see where I am coming from?”

See if he will respond to this.  Sometimes, people truly do not realize that they are excluding you.  They tend to get caught up with their own lives or inside of their own heads.  This is especially true of introverts.  Since they don’t need or crave constant conversation like others, they sometimes assume that if they are happy, then their spouse must be happy, too.  They have to be made aware that it just doesn’t work that way.

Other than these things, I would suggest trying to get some social engagement elsewhere, at least for a little while.  Don’t take this wrong. I would never advise anyone to get their sole emotional needs met outside of their marriage.  But to be as healthy and fulfilled as we can possibly be, we need to have a wide variety of friends and others that we value.  It’s unrealistic to expect our spouse to meet every need that we have. Sometimes, we need to have other outlets because our spouse just isn’t going to be available to us all of the time.  Everyone needs close friends.  Even introverts.

This will sometimes take the pressure off of your spouse and you might find that he actually starts reaching out to you when he sees that you are not waiting around for him.  I am not saying that you want to play games or to retreat from your own spouse.  But I am saying that once you are honest with him and make a good faith effort, then if you are still lonely, you might want to fill some time with friends until this passes.

As you’ve been clear on the fact that you don’t want out of the marriage and feel that you’re compatible with your husband, then it makes sense to work with what you have.  Sometimes, you need to have an honest conversation and ask for what you need.  Most of the time, your spouse will try to make the effort.  If not, then you can sometimes turn your attention somewhere else to see what type of response you might get. This will give you more information about what is going on with him.

As time goes on in your marriage, people sometimes still love one another, but take one another for granted.  You often have to fight to keep this from happening.  Our society does not support marriage (or healthy interaction, for that matter)  so sometimes, you are having to swim against the tide.  I wish I had realized this earlier.  It may have saved me from the marital separation that almost cost me my marriage.  I had to make (and keep) some drastic changes in order to overhaul and heal my marriage.  And yes, for a while, I was trying to depend on my husband for all of my happiness, which was unrealistic.   You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives intuitively know that it is in their best interest to remain positive, especially if they want to save their marriage. So they try to maintain an upbeat, hopeful attitude. But this can be difficult when you face a husband who answers you with negativity at every turn.

A wife might explain, “I can’t pretend that my husband’s negative attitude and behavior are new. They really aren’t. He turned sour about four months before he told me that he needed a break and wanted a separation. However, I had hoped that once he got what he wanted, he would resort back to his generally optimistic and kind self. Unfortunately, this hope has not been realized. If anything, he is even more negative. He is abrasive when I try to communicate with him. And it seems that he goes out of his way to look at things in the worst possible light. I want to save my marriage. So I try to reach out to him, and I am always very careful to be pleasant and upbeat. I know that this gives me the best chance of attracting him back to me. But he always responds with a brick wall. It is almost like he thinks if he can be negative, he will thwart my attempts at positivity. How can I gain any ground with this man when he is so negative and so closed off?”

I understand your challenge. My husband and I had differing attitudes at various times during our separation, and this did make things more difficult. But no situation is impossible. And we reconciled and are still married today. So there is always usually something to work with and someplace at which to start. In the following article, I’ll offer some tips for dealing with a very negative separated husband.

Honestly Evaluate The Possible Cause Of His Negativity: The husband in this situation seemed to have a pattern of negativity that began before the separation. Since his unhappiness likely at least contributed to his request for a separation, this makes sense. To be honest, it’s very normal to feel quite down when you have a life change like a separation.

Quite frankly, it put me into a depression. I was the negative party most of the time during my separation, while my husband was more optimistic (partly because he WANTED the separation, and I did not.) That said, he certainly had plenty of lonely and confusing days.

Drastic changes in your life and your marriage can cause you to grapple for your footing. None of this is easy. Negativity that is a direct result of this type of uncertainty can eventually pass as the person adjusts.

Another possibility is that he has unresolved anger about something to do with you and/or your marriage and you are unknowingly facing it whenever you reach out to him. If you think that this is a possibility, you might want to try a direct response like, “I can’t help but notice that you seem troubled and upset. Is there anything that I can do?” Listen carefully and see if his reaction offers you any clues about a possible source of his anger. Sometimes, if you can address what is bothering him, he will become more receptive and less negative.

Finally, negativity that is meant to thwart you or discourage your moving forward may mean that he is just not ready to give you an “in,” at least right now. This doesn’t mean that he won’t ever be ready. But he may be purposely putting up a wall because he wants some time before he is more welcoming. He may not know what he wants right now so he is trying to stall.  Remember, this may only be temporary.

Evaluating Your Own Behavior: So where does this leave you? Although it’s tempting to allow this to cloud your own behavior or to change your strategy, I don’t think that this is the right call, although you can tone it down some if you think that you are coming on too strong. You may want to ask yourself if your attitude is coming off as ingenuine, especially if you were not full of positivity before.

If the answer to these questions is no, then sometimes, you just have to gather yourself and wait. You let him know that you’re sorry he is upset and you offer to listen or to help or support him in any way that you can.

And then, you can continue to be positive (as long as this is genuine) because it helps you and it is how you want to live your life right now. And allowing him to turn your own behavior negative benefits no one.

When both my husband and I had negative behavior during our separation, our possibility for reconciliation declined considerably.

It was not until we were BOTH firing on positive cylinders that a reconciliation became possible. However, this took time. We were not both at the same place at the same time. We both needed self-work before we could come together as individuals to make a better couple.

A Workable Compromise: In your shoes, I would ask myself if perhaps my attitude was coming off as pushy or ingenuine. Occasionally, a husband will react with negativity if this is the case. If not, see if you can get to the core of WHY he is so negative. If he’s just reacting to the life changes that come with a separation, this can be normal.

But if he’s genuinely struggling with something else, try to support and help him. If he can overcome those struggles, the behavior should change.

If he’s just using the negativity to keep you at a distance, you will just need to move very gradually as you are able. Because if you double down and push too hard, he is only likely to resist that much more. He may become even more negative as a result, which is not what you want.

Instead, learn to read his cues. As difficult as it can be, sometimes you just have to regroup and try again at a better time. This can actually diffuse the tension so that the next time, he is more receptive and less negative.

But continuing to come at him when he is resistant rarely makes things better or improves his behavior. And calling him out on it will only make him defensive. Remain positive, but don’t push and offer support rather than trying to counter him.

Believe me, I learned all of this the hard way.  But negative behavior never did anything but hurt our chances for reconciliation.  I had to bide my time.  Pushing always made it worse.  But I eventually got my husband back and saved my marriage.  You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It may not feel like it at the time, but getting your husband to agree to not moving out when he wants a separation can truly be a victory. It is much easier to gradually work on your marriage when you have access to your husband. (And gradual movement can be very important when you have a husband who wants “space.”)

Still, as advantageous as living under the same roof can be, it is not without challenges. Although you may intellectually know that you need to back off some, your heart may have a hard time getting the message. It’s an unfortunate truth that at a time when you know that giving your spouse some room can actually help your cause, you may feel the need to cling a little tighter.

It’s very normal to feel some insecurity when your spouse pulls away from you and begins talking or hinting about a separation. Of course, you want to feel closer to him. But he’s literally asking you to give him physical distance.

A wife might say, “I realize that convincing my husband not to move out when he wanted to pursue a separation was the prudent move. The problem is that although I found it relatively easy to voice how I felt about having him stay, I’m finding it extremely difficult to think about actually carrying it out. He is my husband. This scenario is basically asking me to treat him like my roommate instead. I worry that this will be so awkward that he will eventually want to move out anyway. I am honestly not sure if I can do this. I have been running through typical days in my mind and it concerns me how much our lives will be altered. I know that we will not be sleeping in the same bed. But how about meals? How about watching TV? It all sounded good in theory, but it feels nearly impossible in practice.”

I don’t believe that it is impossible. I was not so lucky as to have my husband stay in the home during my own separation. He moved out, so I can tell you that living under two roofs was extremely difficult. However, as we were approaching reconciliation, he moved back in very gradually. He started off by spending weekends at home and then three days, including Fridays. I did strive to give him space during those times. I knew that our marriage was still vulnerable. So, I can offer some tips which I hope will help.

Keep Reminding Yourself Of Your Advantage: I know that you do not feel all that lucky right now. But I assure you that you have a very large advantage. Words cannot express how lonely it can be to live completely alone, without your husband. I can’t adequately describe the sinking feeling you experience when you don’t know where your separated husband is or what (and how) he is doing. Believe me when I say that you often assume the worst.

Yes, I know that you may feel lonely even when you live together. But, from my experience, it is a different (and worse) sort of lonely when you are completely alone in your empty house. It helps to remind yourself of this advantage when you begin to doubt yourself.

Agree On Ground Rules Before You Make The Switch: I believe that at least some of the anxiety that you’re feeling can be alleviated by agreeing to terms before either of you moves out of the master bedroom. When things are calm between you, ask your husband to define how much “alone time” he wants each day. Ask him if he wants to eat and watch TV alone. If you have kids, ask him how family time is going to work.

I know that this may be an awkward conversation, but it is better to have one awkward conversation now than to have countless awkward encounters because you do not understand what he really wants.

Respect What He Has Asked For.  Give Him Exactly That: Once you’ve made sure that you understand exactly how he envisions this “space” experiment to work, make good on everything that you have promised. In other words, if you’ve told him that you won’t hover, make sure that you do not give in to temptation and that you deliver exactly what you have promised.

Believe me, I know that I am asking a lot. I struggled with this also. But after misstepping one too many times and costing myself the gains that I’d made, I learned to distract myself when I was tempted to walk back my promises.

Sometimes, I literally had to leave the house. Or I’d make plans with friends. Or I’d pursue new hobbies and interests on my own so that I would not be tempted to lurk around when I was fully aware that my husband needed solitary time.

Let Your Husband Initiate Togetherness, But Seize On Any Opportunities That You Are Given: Honestly, I think that it is unrealistic to think that you will live like roommates, at least for the long term. Assuming that you respect what your husband has asked for, there may be times when you find yourselves together and end up watching a movie or sharing a nice meal and a few laughs. And honestly, these times can be so sweet. They can remind you about what you love about one another.

It’s completely normal to want to push for these special times. But, it is better if you allow your husband to initiate them. That said, there will be times when you sort of stumble into his space when you didn’t know he was home or was in an area of your home.

If so, just cordially say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you were here.” Because you are respecting his wishes, he may ask you to join him. If so, take advantage of this and enjoy yourself.

Remember Your End Goal: The entire goal of this in-home separation is for him to get what he needs so that he is more receptive to you and your marriage.

In this scenario, you actually CAN make gains with your marriage. And, with an atmosphere of scarcity, you will sometimes find that attraction and commitment trump your ground rules. And that is okay (or even wonderful.)

But you will need to allow this to happen naturally. You also have to be willing to delay gratification and be committed to only moving forward when it is clear that he welcomes this.

It can be a very delicate balance. Always opt for fairness and respect, and you may find that this living arrangement actually keeps you from a long-term separation or divorce rather than forcing one.

As I alluded to, I did not have the luxury of living together during my own separation. And I believe that my path was much more challenging as a result. Luckily, we did reconcile and are still together. But I had more challenges to overcome. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives visit this blog because they are looking for a plan that allows them more access to their separated husband. Unfortunately, many are dealing with a man who makes himself unavailable or who is taking his demand for space literally. Some wives worry that the only common denominator that they currently have is the kids. And no one wants to play that card.

A wife might say, “I am very reluctantly separated. I tried everything in my power to talk my husband out of leaving our home. Nothing worked. He has it in his head that he needs tons of time away from me and our family. He does maintain contact, but only with regards to seeing or talking to the kids. If I try to get him to talk to me personally, he will remind me that he is ‘taking his space.’ I don’t feel that I have any choice but to respect this. So I pack up the kids, I put on a happy face, and I feel like I will have no opportunity to save my marriage now because he keeps me at a distance. How can you save your marriage when you have very limited access to your husband?”

I believe that you CAN do this. That is the good news, but here is the not-so-good news. You may have to accept a very gradual pace. You may have to accept that this is going to be a journey that takes longer than you might like. But, on the flip side, the gradual pace offers gifts sometimes. It means that you will eventually have confidence that you are on solid footing when any reconciliation happens because you took things slowly. Here are some tips for gradually saving your marriage when you have limited access.

Take And Seize Upon Small “Ins:” When I was in a similar situation during my own separation, I made the mistake of trying to pressure my husband to give me more access to him. I pushed. I attempted to make him feel guilty. And I pretended like I didn’t hear his repeated requests for space. Of course, all these strategies did was give me even less access than before. In my observation, these strategies make your husband cling even more tightly to his privacy. Try not to make these mistakes, because they can be very costly.

Instead, look for tiny little “ins.” For example, in this situation, the kids were the common denominator. (But even if you don’t have kids, there is usually a shared interest like pets, the house, extended family, etc. that gives you something to have a conversation about.) When your husband initiates a conversation about these common interests, speak about that topic very pleasantly. Don’t try to veer off it initially. Answer what he has asked in the most agreeable way possible.

Then, at the end of that conversation, sincerely ask him how he is doing. I don’t see this as overstepping. You are both going through a life change. He is still your husband. You still care about him. It is natural to want to know how he is faring.

Listen without interrupting. He may give you a very simple answer that doesn’t allow for any followup. Sometimes, though, he will open up, even if it is just a little. See if he will allow open-ended questions that allow you to take on a positive, caring tone.

Remember, you are NOT looking to debate about your marriage or the separation right now. You are merely asking how he is doing and trying to get him to open up, even if it is just a little. Don’t allow this to go on for longer than is natural. If there is an opportunity to do so, express that you are there for him and leave it at that. Then, wait for the next opportunity.

The next time he calls about the shared interest, once again, stick to the topic at hand. Then, at the end, once again, ask about him personally. If possible, build upon the last positive conversation.

Hopefully, by now, you see how this works very gradually. You have to keep positive communication. And, as this positive communication allows, you begin to build. And you begin to veer away from the shared interest.

The goal is to ease into additional conversations that are not about the shared interest. But know that this can take time. And that you have to be careful. If you feel you’ve pushed too far, end the conversation positively and know that you may need to try again later.

Building On A Pattern Of Positive Conversations: Know that these conversations may need to go on for some time before you attempt to branch out. In fact, I learned first hand that you should not attempt to ask for more until you are relatively sure that your husband will be receptive. It is very frustrating to have to start from square one when you have pushed too far.

That said, some people have had success using the shared interest as a starting point to branch out into marriage-saving activities. For example, counseling focused on co-parenting kids has led to marital counseling. Meeting your spouse with your shared pet offers a positive, fun way to see him on a regular basis. Inviting him to a birthday gathering for an extended family member is a natural way to see him in a fun setting.

But, only try this once you are regularly talking about things OTHER than the shared interest so that this seems like a natural progression.

When Taking Drastic Steps Forward, Let Him Initiate A New Form Of Contact: The next step would be seeing one another in a romantic setting or on a date. This can feel quite drastic when you’ve only been talking or seeing one another in very casual ways. I realize that I am being very conservative when I suggest that you allow him to be the one to initiate romantic meetings. However, I know first hand that your relationship can be extremely delicate when you are separated. It is so easy to overstep and then have him distance himself again.

I learned that you are just better off allowing him to initiate this. I forced myself to do this and it worked.

Notice that I haven’t even talked about saving your marriage yet. That’s because I learned that it is very important to re-establish a playful sense of intimacy before you even attempt any heavy lifting on your marriage. And there will be plenty of time for that later. For now, you just want to get him willing again.

And when he’s limiting your access to him, worrying about saving your marriage can be saved for later, unless you are willing to risk scaring him off. For me, it was not worth the risk. I am glad I waited because I was ultimately able to save my marriage – eventually. You are welcome to read that entire story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives complain that their husbands ignore or tune them out during the separation. Worse, the husbands who are willing to engage often do so in negative ways. They argue or engage in bickering and debates. Understandably, many people want tips on how to talk so that their separated spouses might actually listen and respond positively. After all, how can you save your marriage if he/she won’t even talk (or listen) to you? Below, I’ll offer some tips that I learned about positive communication during my own separation. 

Understand That You May Need To Delay The Conversations You Really Want To Have: I suspect that I know the kinds of conversations that most separated spouses want to have. Because these are the conversations that I tried to begin. I wanted to know where I stood with my husband. I wanted to know what he was thinking and planning. I wanted to know what he thought about our issues. I wanted him to understand where his thinking was flawed.  I wanted to convince him that he was wrong about the need for a separation. 

And yet, every time I attempted (even carefully and positively) to have these conversations, I got a very negative response. If you retain anything at all from this article, please remember this: A spouse who has asked for a separation and then went so far to carry it out is a spouse who believes that his mind is made up. He also likely perceives that he made the best available decision at the time. 

So when you come in with words meant to make him rethink this, you might get a polite rebuttal or an angry denouncement. But you are not likely to get a spouse who says, “Oh, you are so right. I did not think this through. Thank you for educating me on the error of my ways.”

This is true even if you are 100% correct. In the initial phases of your separation, your spouse is very invested in being correct. He is not ready to admit where he is wrong. Trying to accomplish this is often a waste of time that will only move him further away from you. So, if you can’t yet talk frankly about your marriage, issues, or reconciliation, what can you talk about?

Find Topics That Bring You Closer Together And Demonstrate Growth And Progress: I know that the above paragraph may make it seem like you have nothing important to talk about. But try to adjust this thinking. Your initial conversations are all about setting a foundation on which you will eventually build. No one is saying that you will never have the important or necessary conversations about your marriage. I am suggesting that you put them off until you are on firm ground with your spouse again.

These initial conversations are meant to do only a couple of things.

1. Establish positive communication.
2. Begin to restore ease and intimacy.
3. Show your spouse behaviors that may begin to make him question his assumptions.

These little objectives can yield big dividends later. They are very important. Don’t underestimate them. 

It’s a good idea to keep your conversations light and easy. You want any interactions to end on a positive note so that there is no reason that your spouse will not be open to you when you speak again. 

So what can you talk about? Well, this depends upon your marriage, your personality, and your situation. I can only speak for myself, but I learned to talk about my personal progress. I spoke of the new classes I was taking or the experiences I had with my friends. From difficult experience, I learned that I couldn’t afford to talk about how lonely and resentful I was. My husband didn’t want to hear what he perceived as complaining or manipulation.

I also learned that if we had a pleasant conversation or had fun together, my husband was probably twice as likely to be the one to reach out to me the next time. So, it was very much in my best interest to keep things light and easy. (Understand that you already know the topics your spouse gravitates to.  Stick to the conversations you already know will be winners.)

As things improved between us, my husband took me to some hockey games. So, I let him teach me about the game. Admittedly, I hadn’t been very interested before, but as I opened my mind and showed an eagerness to learn about what interested him, my husband realized that I was not as inflexible as he’d thought. 

I also showed my husband someone willing to try new things and have fun. It is important to display playfulness when and if you are able. 

Did these conversations have anything directly to do with our marriage? No, but these things eventually changed the way that my husband THOUGHT about our me and about marriage, and this ultimately helped us to reconcile eventually.

When You Begin To Talk About The Specifics Of Your Separation Or Your Marriage, Remain Positive: Honestly, I was probably a bit too conservative, but I became so paranoid of driving my husband away because of my previous mistakes that I often allowed him to be the one to bring up the separation, the marriage, or the state of both. Once he did, I found it important to remain positive. Although I often wanted to lament, “how much longer is this going to take?” Or “I feel like you’re dragging your feet,” I learned that my husband often only saw these types of phrases as complaints and so he would begin to back away. 

I learned that you can release the feelings behind your concerns more positively, like saying, “I look forward to eventually moving forward with our lives. I’ve missed you.” Or, “I hope you’ll let me know if there’s anything that I can do to prevent delays to our progress.” Notice how I flipped conversations of loneliness and feet dragging to positive sentiments about the future. You’re basically saying similar things, but you’re tempering it so that it doesn’t make your spouse defensive or encourage him to tune you out.

Over time, you learn that there is almost always a positive way to get your point across. If you can do this, your spouse is MUCH more likely to listen to you during the separation and beyond.  Once he does, THEN you can begin to whittle away at your problems. But you need a captive audience first, so choose your words carefully.

I hope that this article isn’t too cautionary.  It’s just beneficial to avoid my mistakes. If you can get your spouse receptive to you again, this is half the battle.  And you can’t do this if you try to have the wrong conversations at the wrong time.  I learned to pick my battles. And this made all the difference.  You can read the whole story of our reconciliation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are very disappointed in their husband’s changing behavior while they are on a trial or martial separation.  Sometimes, things have even been going extremely well and then suddenly, things change for the worse.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I mutually agreed to separate.  Our marriage had been struggling and although I knew I wanted to work things out, he was not so sure.  I was afraid to allow him to leave our home, but much to my surprise, things actually began to improve during our separation.  I think that he missed me and we had some of the best, most honest talks we had ever had in our marriage.  It seemed to bring us closer for a while.  I held off on asking him when he was coming home because I didn’t want for him to feel pressured.  But as soon as I started to mention how nice it would be when he came home, his attitude changed slightly.  So I backed off.  Things appeared to get back to normal, but then a few days later, he acted distant again. Then days after that, he stopped calling.  When I called him, he said that his life just got busy due to work.  He was friendly enough but I sensed something had changed.  I want to ask him about this but I’m not sure if I really want to know the answer.  I’m scared to hear that he has met someone else or that he really doesn’t want to be with me after all.  Why would he suddenly become distant when things were going so well?  And what can I do now?”

There are many reasons that a husband can be hot and cold during a separation.  In the following article, I will go over some possible reasons as well as offer some suggestions on where to go from here.

Why He Might Suddenly Pull Away During A Separation (Even When Things Are Going Well.)  Deep in her heart, the wife already suspected that asking her husband about coming home had suddenly turned him cold.  And she might have been right about this.  It’s very common for men to become distant or to back up a little bit once his wife begins to pressure him (even just a little bit) to come home.

I know that this seems unfair because you have every right to want him to come home.  And you want to share how you feel with him.  And you want him to tell you that he was hoping that you would ask because he wants to come home also.  But there is a real risk that opening that door will cause him to close another.  It is no coincidence that most of us separated wives get the best response from our husbands when we make a very conscious attempt to make things very light-hearted, playful, and low in the pressure department.  Once we abandon this strategy, he can be disappointed and can wonder if we were just pretending all along.

So I would say that feeling pressured is the most common reason that you will see a man become distant.  The more you pressure him, question him, try to gauge him, or make him feel negative emotions like guilt and shame, the more likely he is going to be to distance himself.

Another reason that you might see him becoming distant is that he is under the influence of friends or family who do not share your cause. Often, his single friends will try to pull him into their lives or his separated or divorced friends will tell him how much better their lives are now that they are single.

Sometimes, he backs up a little because he realizes that he’s not yet experienced those things or explored those feelings that he meant to when he began the separation.  In short, he might feel that he became distracted while things were going so well between you, but now he needs to see things through.

How To Respond When You Don’t Understand His Distance: I would caution you to not overreact.  I know that this hurts.  And I know that it is hard not to assume the worst.  But if you come at him with all sorts of accusations or pleas for assurance, you just might make this worse.   Because there is a decent chance that this is just a passing thing that will fade to memory once you bide your time.

So to the extent that you can, take him at face value until he gives you a concrete reason to stop doing that.  Continue to do what was working before.  Remain playful.  Keep flirting with him.  See where that strategy continues to take you.  Do not panic.  Do not apply more pressure.  If you do these things and you meet some resistance, then you may wish to back off and see if that will entice him to move toward you.  Sometimes, your own silence will inspire his curiosity.  I would caution you, however, not to take this to extremes.  Don’t out and out ignore him, pretend that you don’t care, or make him think that you are seeing someone else.  You want to behave in a way that you can be proud of.  And you don’t want to do anything that can come back to haunt you later.

When my own husband and I were separated, I did not understand these principles and I did what I just told you not to do.  I pressured him and tried to make him guilty so that he would come home.  This was the biggest mistake that I could have possibly made.  I created many more problems for myself and it took me much longer to save my marriage.  But eventually, I was successful.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Regardless of the specific circumstances, many wives who reach out to me are a bit panicked. Even wives whose husbands have just begun to mention “wanting space” envision a future that may include a divorce. But the wives who have a husband who has just filed divorce papers are understandably the most panicked of all. And this panic can be intensified if the wife didn’t know that the filing was coming.

She might say, “I can’t claim that I didn’t know that my husband was unhappy in our marriage or even that he wanted out of it. But I honestly thought that I had at least a little bit of time to try to save my marriage. I’ve been trying various strategies to make him happier at home. But apparently, my strategies didn’t work because I was served with divorce papers today. And I didn’t see it coming. He did not warn me. And I had no idea that he’d gone to see an attorney. Maybe I’m naive, but I was blindsided by this. And I find myself wondering if he did this on purpose so that I could not prepare myself. Do I even have any chance of saving my marriage now? Why would he do this?”

There are two questions here and I will try to answer both below.

Why Would He File For Divorce Without Telling You?: There are many plausible reasons for this, and your husband would be the best person to explain his thought process, although, in my experience, this is unlikely. However, one very likely reason is that he did not want you to attempt to talk him out of it. He may have noticed and acknowledged your attempts to make things better, but he may have still felt that it was falling short. However, he didn’t risk telling you this because he did not want a debate. And, he likely did not want you to attempt to talk him out of the divorce. He obviously knows that you don’t want one because you have been trying to save your marriage.

Does this mean that he will always try to thwart every marriage-saving attempt that you make? Not necessarily, but it does suggest that you may want to consider a more subtle strategy. Because a man who files for divorce without telling you is a man who at least thinks that he is firm on his decision and does not want to be talked out of it.

Is Saving Your Marriage A Hopeless Situation After Your Husband Filed For Divorce With No Warning?: I don’t believe that it is hopeless, but it is potentially going to take a great deal of finesse and patience. I was able to save my marriage during a separation, but admittedly, my husband did not file for divorce suddenly and without my knowledge. Still, I believe that the process of gradually saving your marriage would be similar.

I made many mistakes which I would caution against. I learned the hard way that insinuating that your husband is wrong, selfish, or not seeing reality are almost always losing strategies. By filing for divorce behind your back, he is pretty much telling you that he does not want to listen to your input. So that should tell you that any strategy that attempts to force him to listen to overwhelmingly opposing points of view will not only fail but will make it more likely that he will try to avoid you and speed along the divorce.

The Careful Strategy You May Have To Embrace: In my experience, you are better off not making it obvious that this is what you are trying to do. You don’t have to pretend that you also want a divorce, but at the same time, you don’t want to be fighting him on it, either. There is nothing wrong with his knowing that while this isn’t what you want, you aren’t actively aggressively trying to thwart him.

Instead, you will need to bide your time and try to maintain a decent relationship so that you have access to your husband. That way, you can take advantage of any opportunity that you have to improve this situation. Your goal is to show him that his perceptions about you and your marriage are incorrect. You can’t do this if you are arguing or debating with him. You can’t do this if he thinks you are actively trying to keep him from what he wants.

This does require you to take very small gains and to build off of each positive encounter. As you are able, you want to show your husband the attributes that he has been looking for. I know that this is tricky. Because you have to make changes that appear very genuine. Otherwise, he will believe that you are just pretending to save your marriage. You can’t go for big, sweeping changes at first. You need to start small and build very gradually. Admittedly, this requires skill as he has already drawn a line in the sand and seemingly made his decision.

Use The Knowledge You Already Have: Know that you do have a roadmap. You already know what it takes to make your husband love you. Because you have done this before. Yes, I know that the circumstances have changed. But you know which attributes he loves the most. If you are honest and dig deep, you can probably identify which of those attributes have been missing lately.

Now is the time to bring them back and to make sure that he sees them. You can’t appear desperate or clingy. Every move must seem genuine and somewhat natural. But it is not impossible. I do know wives who have pulled this off. Granted, it does take a series of gradual steps that lead to big gains. But if you are calm, methodical, and can leave your fear at the door, it can be done.

I know this is a tall order. I feel very embarrassed when I look back on the mistakes I made during my own separation. But it was difficult not to be driven by the fear that my marriage was over. Thankfully, I never gave up and I had a little luck along the way. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If you are a wife, hearing your husband confess that he is unhappy can be extremely hurtful. But hearing him say that he has not been happy in your marriage for years is potentially devastating. And this proclamation can make you wonder if he was pretending for parts of your marriage.  How can you be relatively content while he’s telling you that he is miserable?

A wife might explain, “I wish I could claim that a fight or misunderstanding caused my husband to confide that he is unhappy. Unfortunately, it was neither. We were just talking about our lives and where we want to be in five years. My husband confessed that he just wants to be happy. So of course I asked him if to clarify, and he responded that he ‘hasn’t been happy in years.’ I asked him if his unhappiness included our marriage and it was like a dam burst when he started listing all the ways that he was unhappy with our marriage. He capped it off by saying, ‘I think I need some space or a break. I’m not getting any younger and life is too short to walk through life unhappy like this.’ It’s almost as if he’s nearly talked himself into a separation. I was stunned. I know that our marriage is not perfect. But I’ve been mostly content, and I thought he was, too. Now I feel like I have no choice but to let him do whatever he feels is necessary. Otherwise, he’s going to mope around and dwell on how miserable he is being married to me. Is there anything that I can do?”

What Not To Do In Response To His Unhappiness: In my experience, there are a few things you can do. My husband’s declarations of unhappiness came a few months / several weeks before he actually left for a separation. Unfortunately for me, I saw it as my mission in life to change his mind. I did this out of fear, so my behavior was understandable. But all this did was make my husband more determined NOT to change his mind. Rather than try to work with him and give him a little space and time, I clung more tightly and insisted that he did not need it. As a result, he distanced himself from me.

The cycle got even worse when I tried to force him to see or talk to me. After a few weeks of this, he pretty much went the other way when he saw me coming, and getting back in his good graces was a very gradual, and at times, a difficult process.

Understand That Your Marriage May Not Be The Sole Cause Of His Unhappiness: I know that hearing him speak of his unhappiness and your marriage in the same sentence is upsetting. But please know that it is very common for men to project their discontent in other areas of their lives onto the person or thing that is most immediate and close to them –  which in this case, is you and your marriage. This isn’t fair. And they are often completely wrong about the source of their unhappiness. Often, their jobs, their outlook, aging, and their perceived status are as much to blame as you and your marriage. But, sometimes if you try to point out this fallacy to your husband, he will insist that you just do not want to face reality and he will pull away.

It may be counter-intuitive, but you actually want to encourage him to take inventory and do what is necessary to carve out a happier life for himself. You might encourage him to seek counseling or ask him to list the sources of his unhappiness in order from the most problematic to the least (with any luck, he will see that you are not the main source.)

Encouraging His Happiness While Saving Your Marriage: Having your husband actually leave for his “space” can be incredibly scary. I seriously thought that this was one of the worst days of my life. If you can avoid it, I would not recommend it. Try offering him some space without the need to move out. Stress that you want him to improve his happiness level and are completely behind him so that he knows that by staying home, he isn’t giving up his quest for happiness. You might try, “Hearing you speak like this makes me very unhappy also. You’re absolutely right. You deserve to be happy. I’m more than willing to give you space. I’d ask that you don’t move out. Please trust that you don’t need to move for me to give you some room. If you define how you want this to work, I will make it happen. I will do whatever I can to help you. You just let me know what you need.”

When you are this accomodating, most men will agree to “try” a trial period where he stays home and you back away some. You must follow through. I know that it is so tempting to cling and ask for reassurance. But this is the worst thing that you can do. Now is a good time to work on yourself, seek individual counseling to strengthen yourself, and reach out to friends to stay busy. All of these things will help so that you aren’t holding on too tightly. Honestly, sometimes you have to do precisely the opposite of what your scared self wants to do. Confidence, patience, and a steady stance are going to be much more attractive to your husband than desperation and fear. Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way.

Understand His Line In The Sand: I completely understand that you are in a difficult position. You likely think of your marriage in very different terms than your husband’s portrayal of the same. I know you may be tempted to point out the flaws in his thinking. But when he tells you that he’s not been happy “for years,” understand that he’s making a very strong statement. As you may suspect, he’s likely convinced himself that he’s been living at a deficit for quite some time. You aren’t likely to convince him that he is wrong with your words. You are likely going to have to take some action and then allow him to see the flaws in his thinking for himself.

Actually stepping back and giving the “space” was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.  But my mistakes meant that I no longer had any choice.  This desperation move actually worked to my benefit. If it helps, the story of how I turned this all around and saved my marriage is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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