Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s very hurtful to have the perception that your spouse does not care about your well beings or your feelings. When we take our wedding vows, we assume that we’re going to work very hard to ensure our husband’s happiness, and we expect that he is going to do the same.

When it appears that this isn’t happening, it can be both shocking and hurtful. A wife may wonder how to make him care more and then to take action. She might say: “for the last six months, I have noticed my marriage changing. I believe that my husband takes me for granted. He never goes out of his way to compliment me or make me feel special anymore. Sometimes, when I talk to him, I can not help but notice that he even isn’t listening. Sometimes, I will ask him a question about what I have just said and he can not answer because he clearly has not been paying attention. I admit that I’m cranky because I’ve had issues at my job. But this is exactly the type of thing where you’d hope that your husband notices you struggling and tries to help you.  I think that he is aware of my struggles, but he seems more annoyed that he has to deal with me than concerned about my well being. I’ve asked him to put in more effort, but he acts like I am asking him for the moon and stars. I finally broke down and told him that his coldness is making me more unhappy than I already am. His response was he is not sure what I expect him to do. He says he can’t fix my job for me and that I have unrealistic expectations about life. He says that everything is not always going to be perfect and I should stop expecting it to be. It’s not like I think that my life should not have problems. It is just that when it does, it would be nice to have a spouse who loves me enough to try to make it better. It makes me question my marriage.”

I understand your frustration. When you are very unhappy, sometimes it is the little things that can lift you up. And one of those little things could be a little kindness and love from your husband.

You’re not out of line for wanting this and I believe that you can get it, if you know how to ask. I believe that many times, in this situation, it goes wrong because your husband misunderstands what you need or what you are asking for.

Why Your Husband May Not Truly Understand What You Are Asking Of Him: As men, husbands sometimes misunderstand us. They believe that we are expecting them to solve our problems for us. We aren’t. We just want some love and understanding. We want to know that they are in this with us and that they sympathize.

The problem is that men are wired differently and we are much more likely to get this type of behavior from our girlfriends, mothers, and sisters than from our husbands. Many of them were not socialized to just offer support and listen without needing to fix anything. They were socialized to solve problems. When they feel that they can’t, they sometimes shut down. And when they do, it appears to us that they don’t care, when in fact, they are just frustrated that they can’t help us and are unsure of what to do.

Be Careful Of How You Are Asking For What You Want: Another potential problem is that sometimes, when we ask for more attention and support, he takes it as criticism. Even when you don’t mean it in this way, he might think that you are saying that you wish you had a different husband – one that is more loving and attentive. He hears that you are unhappy with him instead of your job and so again, he retreats.

One way to get around both of these problems is to first clarify your expectations for him and second to stress that it is not a criticism. You might phrase it this way: “honey, you’ve said that you can’t fix my job for me and I agree with that. I know that you can’t work miracles. But I want you to know that I don’t expect for you to. When I reach out to you about this, all I am really asking for is just your support. Knowing that I can come home after all of the work stress and have a hug and some sympathetic words waiting for me would make a bigger difference than I can possibly express. Sometimes, all I am really looking for is for you to support me. That’s all. And I’m not saying that you’re an awful husband. I’m just asking you to take a little extra time right now because I’m really stressed out.”

Know That This May Not Come Naturally To Him, But Appreciate His Clumsy Efforts: Once you put it this way, he may be reassured enough to try his best to support you. Keep in mind that men are different. His efforts may be clumsy and not exactly what you had in mind.

If my own husband was going through something like this, I’d make him a special dinner, encourage him to talk about it, listen without interruption, and then maybe give him a back rub and tell him that I love him. However, if the tables were turned, what I would probably get is him asking me if there’s anything that he can do while giving me a quick hug or kiss. In other words, my husband’s effort at this would be shorter and less elaborate than mine because we are just two different people. I’m female and more demonstrative and he is male and tries his best, but he’s never going to be like my girlfriends as far as knowing what I need in terms of emotional support.   I have learned to appreciate the effort more than the outcome.  Because it is normal for a man to not know how to reach every emotional button.

The point is that if he’s trying, but it’s not exactly what you had in mind, remind yourself that he is probably doing the best that he can. And that his idea of support may be different than yours.

Finally, sometimes, you have to do what you can to ensure your own happiness. Since every one is different, we are sometimes disappointed when we count on other people to make us happy. They can’t read our minds. So sometimes, they are just not going to be able to give us what we need. In these situations, we sometimes have to give it to ourselves and know that they have made the effort anyway.

I learned the hard way that it is very important to ask for what you need in the right way.  If you don’t ask, problems escalate and you become resentful.  But if you ask in the wrong way, not only do you not get it, but you could create more problems.  My lack of knowledge about this probably contributed to my painful separation. There’s more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people dealing with a struggling marriage know that a lack of intimacy is either a symptom or a cause of some of their most serious marital problems. It’s rare for people to tell me that they have absolutely no trouble in the intimacy department. If your marriage is struggling, stagnant, or in trouble, I’d be willing to bet that intimacy has been waning for quite some time. Whether that stagnation came before the marital issues (or is the result of them) is often a tricky question. But improving your intimacy will almost always improve your marriage. It will almost always make your reconciliation easier if you are separated or taking a break. I can’t overstate how important I learned that intimacy was during my own marital breakdown, eventual separation, and then reconciliation. It can be the glue that holds you together during trying times or an olive branch that opens the door toward reconciliation.

But I also know that if you’re dealing with this very painful issue, it can feel as if there is no way out of it without taking very embarrassing, drastic actions and/or potentially feeling rejected. Here is one example. Someone might say, “it has become increasingly obvious that my husband and I have an issue with both emotional and physical intimacy. We’ve been married for quite a while, but I know that this is really no excuse. It’s not like we have a sexless marriage. But we maybe have sex once a week. And when we do, it’s certainly not spectacular. But it’s not just about the sex. There’s also an emotional distance between us. We’re cordial to one another. But we are not deeply connected in the way that we were years ago. Neither of us has done anything wrong. I know that he loves me as a person and a partner, and I love him. But it definitely doesn’t feel like we are in love with one another. And he seems increasingly restless. I can’t remember the last time he touched me with hunger or looked at me with longing or deep understanding. To be fair, the same could be said about me. This probably started when I underwent medical treatment. I could not physically be intimate for a while, but that has long passed. I’m fine physically. But WE are not fine. I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want to be without my husband. But I am not happy living this way, and I know that he isn’t either. We could probably survive without intimacy, but I know that we won’t be as happy as we were. And that’s not fair. I know that we desperately need to get the intimacy back, but I just don’t know how to make this happen. I picture myself putting on a negligee, and I feel like my husband would laugh. And I’d feel stupid. Sometimes, I feel like neither of us is particularly interested in the life of the other. How can we overcome these intimacy issues when we’re older and our marriage already feels dead?”

As problematic as this message was, the couple had some things going for them. The wife was clear that she didn’t want out. And no one was talking about leaving yet. That makes things a little easier.

But they also had a few things going against them. There was an obvious sense of complacency and even drudgery. And although this is very common, it can be problematic. Because it can make this task feel overwhelming and impossible when it is neither. Below, I’ll offer some tips for overcoming intimacy issues that are threatening your marriage.

See The Pot Of Gold At The End Of The Rainbow So You Don’t Approach This With Dread: There is no question that you may feel unsure or vulnerable as you try to restore the intimacy. And that is uncomfortable for many people. So it’s understandable that many couples approach this process with a sense of dread. But if you have that attitude (even when you don’t realize it,) you are sabotaging yourself because you even get started.

Restoring intimacy requires a sense of excitement and cooperation. If you go into this with trepidation, you’re handicapping your chances for success. One way to generate a sense of excitement is to think about all you’re going to gain. Remember when you couldn’t wait to see your spouse? Or when you could talk for hours? Remember how you knew just what he needed with one glance and vice verse? Do you remember how understood and cared for you felt?

Now contrast this with how lonely you feel right now. Isn’t it worth it to step outside of your comfort zone for the promise of something that is so much better? It was certainly worth it for me.

Worry About Emotional Intimacy First: I firmly believe that physical intimacy follows emotional intimacy. People who harbor underlying resentment, anger, or emotional distance from their spouse are going to have a difficult time expressing physical intimacy. If you and your spouse are emotionally close, physical closeness will easily follow without a lot of effort. So you don’t need to worry about the negligee yet anyway. That will come when you are gelling with your spouse. And in order to do that, you need to begin to care about the experiences and well-being of one another.

Keep It Easy And Fun At First: A wonderful therapist once told me that couples who laugh together touch one another more frequently. And couples who touch each other more frequently have better sex.

Your goal is to bump up the laughter in your household. And you don’t have to achieve this with far-reaching or elaborate schemes. You know your spouse very well. You know activities that help you establish an easy rapport and sense of play. For some couples, that might be working in the garden together. For others, it might be going out on a playful date. Still others may enjoy mutual hobbies like sports. Whatever activities allows you to just relax and connect is fair game.

Go into this without huge amounts of pressure. You just want to get into the habit of comfortable play, fun, and connection. It should feel easy and effortless as long as keep it simple.

Gradually Build As You Are Able To Genuinely Engage: You will gradually build upon this new sense of play and rapport as you are able. Never force it. Never require something of yourself that makes you desperately uncomfortable. This process should actually be natural. As you begin reconnecting emotionally, you will naturally talk and connect physically. As you feel more understood and valued, the physical side of your relationship will begin to evolve also.

Desire is a natural sum of these efforts and it really should not have to feel forced. If it does, then you just have a little more work toward emotional connection. There is no reason to force or rush it, especially if you’ve successfully established a new sense of play. You should be enjoying yourself every step of the way. So there is no reason to place an artificial time frame.

I hope this article has motivated you to take the first easy steps toward restoring the intimacy.  As you may laughter and connection a priority, keep raising the bar until this becomes second nature. While a marriage could perhaps survive for a little while without intimacy, it certainly can’t thrive. And many divorces and separations begin when intimacy wanes. Don’t ignore this. But don’t panic either.

I firmly believe that restoring the intimacy is a big reason why I’m still married today. Things looked bleak for us during our separation, but learning to feel close both physically and emotionally helps to keep us from back peddling. You can read about our reconciliation at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Most of us decide to save our marriages on our own because it has become clear that our husband isn’t on board. He may tell us that he’s sure the marriage is over. He may move out. Or he may make it crystal clear that he’s not willing to do any heavy lifting to save your marriage.

Many of the things that we suspect would work – such as counseling, scheduling productive date nights, or focusing on rebuilding the intimacy leave him cold. It becomes clear that he won’t help, so we decide that we’re going to have to do this on our own, and alone – at least at first.

Many of us have a good deal of resolve and determination in the beginning. We figure if we just stay the course and keep going, he will eventually join us, however begrudgingly. When that doesn’t happen, or he openly resists you, or tons of time goes by and he seems even further away from you, it can be easy to lose hope.

Someone might describe it this way, “I am doing everything to save my marriage by myself. I believe that my husband is indifferent to the sorry state our marriage is in. He has spoken about a separation, which terrifies me. So I’ve begged him to try various things first, like counseling or working on our relationship. His response was that nothing was going to work, and that our only option was to try giving each other space and time. Well, I don’t see how these things are going to help. I’ve tried to be more cheerful and accommodating. I’ve made regular dinner reservations, and have even researched trips to help us reconnect. My husband is extremely lukewarm about both. It’s as if he’s determined to thwart every effort that I make if it’s related to our marriage. He wants nothing to do with any of it. I started out thinking that if I worked hard enough, I could do this single-handedly. But now, reality is setting in. How can I save my marriage if he’s determined that it can’t be saved? Or if he is ready to walk out the door?”

Believe me, I understand how easy it is to be overcome with a sense of helplessness. But giving in to these feelings will actually increase the likelihood that you aren’t successful. I know this because every time I got discouraged during my own separation (and sometimes with good reason) things got worse all the way around. But when I forced myself to calm down and not panic, I was able to see things more clearly and the situation improved. Below, I’ll offer some tips that I learned the hard way. I hope they give you some perspective that will make you feel a bit more optimistic.

Understand That You Might Not Get Immediate Gratification. Changing Perceptions Requires Introspection, Which Takes Time: For you to eventually be successful in saving your marriage, your husband has to change his mind from thinking that nothing is going to work to conceding that real change is possible and might just be enough. There are several leaps needed in his thinking. There are several points along the way where he will need to change his perceptions.

This isn’t so much of a giant leap as a series of small steps along the way. So this is obviously going to take some time. That means you will need to be much more patient than you want to be, especially if you have a very reluctant husband who appears to be thwarting your attempts, which leads me to my next point.

If He’s Aggressively Resisting You, Be Much Less Obvious With Your Tactics: I know that what I’m about to say may not be a welcome message. But I learned that sometimes when my husband was most pushing back against my efforts to save our marriage, this was when I most needed to back off.

And I fully realize that I’m suggesting you do the exact opposite of what every instinct is telling you that you should do. I understand the panic when you feel him pull away as you think that time is running out.

But stop and think. When he’s already pulling away, is pushing him harder with the same unsuccessful strategy going to get you anything other than more of the same? It’s unlikely. It’s more likely that he’s going to push back even harder, which only deteriorates the situation even more.

Don’t Ruminate And Double Down. Pause, Regroup, And Keep It Simple: I know how it is when you’re caught in this panicked cycle. You might even know that you need to step away, but you’re so flustered that you keep right on, even though you know it’s not in your best interest. You can’t seem to stop yourself.

This is exactly when it’s important to pause in any way that you can. During my own separation, I went out of town. But you don’t have to do something so drastic.

Just distract yourself with things that are not directly related to your marriage for a few days and regroup. If he’s not excited about dinners or trips, stop putting these things on the table. Perhaps he’d be more willing to grab a quick cup of coffee, especially if you limit your conversation to something very simple, like your shared love of your favorite sports team. Take the small concessions he gives, even when you want so much more.

Know that if you end each tiny little interaction on a positive note, then you’re going to get another shot at it. And another. And another. Do you see what I mean when I say it’s a series of events? It’s so important to understand this. And if one in the series of these events goes wrong, back off. Regroup and then try again when its safe to do so.

It’s not unusual to have to step back and try something new that he will accept more readily. This is okay. It’s just important to not get discouraged, turn negative, or give up.

It’s so easy to lose hope right now because he’s not giving an inch. You feel like you’re carrying the entire load all alone. But it may not always be this way. When you are patient and deliberate, you can accumulate a series of successes that will restore your hope and put you on the path to changing his mind about your marriage. It probably won’t happen overnight. But it most certainly can happen.

You’re welcome to read about how I eventually saved my marriage (even with a husband who was initially very unwilling) at https://isavedmymarriage.com 

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By: Leslie Cane:  I recently heard from a wife who was devastated that her husband was pressing for a separation.  He had told her that he intended to move out next weekend, and she was bracing herself for an awful day.   And worse, her husband had just recently dropped another devastating piece of news.  He told her that he felt they should see other people during the separation.  His reasoning behind this was that doing so would allow them to see if they were missing anything by being married. And, if they met and were attracted to someone else, this would tell them that the marriage wasn’t really worth saving anyway.

The wife didn’t agree with this reasoning.  She felt that dating other people was pretty much assuring that the marriage was going to come to an end.  In fact, she suspected that her husband was just trying to ease her into a divorce.  After all, once they started seeing other people, how likely was it going to be that they were going to work on the marriage? She said, in part: “I’m devastated that he wants to see other people.  We’re getting separated, not divorced.  Dating others is not something that you should do while you are still married.  If he really thinks there’s a chance that we could save our marriage, then why does he want to date other people?   I’m just floored by this.  I have tried to reason with him but he won’t listen.  Is there any way that I can make him change his mind?  My friends say I just should date other people to make him jealous, but I don’t want to do that.  What are my options?”

This is a very tough situation.  The husband had made it clear that he really wasn’t willing to talk any more about this because his mind was made up.  And I have seen marriages saved even after a separation in which the spouses dated others.  But, the wife was right to be reluctant because there is also a good deal of risk involved.   However, in the following article, I’ll go over some things that you may want to think about or try if you’re in this situation.

Before You Agree To Date Other People During The Separation, Try To Talk Your Husband Into Other Alternatives: It was pretty clear that the husband didn’t want to negotiate about this, so I felt that the wife might want to approach this in the spirit of compromise. She might suggest that they first take a finite period of time where they are separated but faithful to one another while they were trying to work on their marriage.  This would buy her some time in the hopes that she could save her marriage and get her husband back home before he starting dating others.

If this didn’t work, the other alternative would be to set some guidelines about what was meant by “dating” others.   What the wife absolutely didn’t want was her husband sleeping with other women while they were separated but still married.  So, if she couldn’t change his mind, she might ask him to set the limit at that point.  After all, if they were still married and he was being intimate with other women, one could argue that this was adultery.  The most important argument though was that this was well outside of the wife’s comfort level.

I suggested that she be very direct and calm when she had this conversation with him.  She might say something like: “I hear what you are saying but I think that if we date other people, we aren’t really giving our marriage our full attention or a real chance.  There’s a reason that we are getting separated instead of getting divorced.  The hope is that the separation will give us some guidance as to what we want to do next.  But seeing other people doesn’t help this process. It only makes things more confusing and it compromises our marriage.   Having you be intimate with other people is something I hate to even think about because I’m still very much invested in our marriage.  I had hoped that you would be too.  Can we agree that, at least for a little while, we will take dating others off of the table so that we give our marriage a fair chance?”

What Are Your Options If Your Husband Insists On Seeing Other People While You Are Separated?: Sometimes, the wives do or say everything in their power to get him to change his mind about seeing other people, but nothing works.  What happens then?  What are your options?  Well, as I see it, you have a choice to make.  You can either tell your husband that seeing other people is a deal breaker for you and you will never agree to it.  Or, you can pretend to go a long and see if you can actually use this to your advantage.   I’ve had women tell me that allowing their husband to think that they were seeing other people actually worked out quite well for them.  This has to be convincing of course and you should never take it too far or be inappropriate with it.

But it’s my opinion that a little mystery can actually help your cause when you are separated.  I used this tactic myself and it’s explained very well by a video that I have on my blog.  Of course, you don’t want to be overtly dishonest or go over the top with this, but you can leave out some details, be evasive and see if this has any affect at all on him.

And, although I know that you’re going to want to know all of the details about his dating others, I think that it’s best not to go overboard with that either.   If he’s determined to do this even though he knows that you object to it, then it’s clearly an issue on which you aren’t going to agree.  So if you continue to harp on it, you almost give it more power than it already has.

At the end of the day, your real goal is to get your husband focused on you and your marriage during the separation. To that end, you don’t want to be bringing other people into the equation any more than you have to.   To the best of your ability, try to bring the focus back to you and him.  If you have to use a little mystery to make him curious and to encourage his involvement, I think that this is fine.  But I think there’s a difference between mystery and dishonesty.   It should be clear that seeing others isn’t your first choice.  But since he’s made this decision, you’re going to make the best of it because you know that you still have a lot to offer. And of course this is only a strategy if he won’t agree to anything else.

I didn’t see other people when my husband and I were separated.  But I was sometimes vague about where I was or who I was with.  This did increase his interest and this was one of the first steps toward getting him to commit to saving our marriage.  If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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by: leslie cane: I often hear from women whose husbands have issues or some sort of complaint about their marriage.  Usually, the complaint is so big or troublesome that the wife worries that it will lead to separation or divorce.  I recently heard from a wife whose husband was alluding to the fact that the marriage no longer gave him what he needed to feel happy, respected, and secure.  In fact, the husband was telling his wife that being married to her was emotionally draining to him.

She said in part: “my husband told me that I don’t make him feel loved and respected in our marriage.  He says that I constantly take him for granted and seem to put my own needs before his.  He says it’s obvious that I care more about myself than him because I’m only concerned with my own feelings.  He told me that I never ask him how he feels or what he wants.  He says I just act based on what I want and that I never listen to him or ask his opinion about anything and he’s starting to feel like he doesn’t even matter to me.  To be honest, I had no idea that he was this unhappy or felt this way.  He’s always been solid and I would never think of him as needy, but that’s how he’s acting now.  It’s as if I he wants constant reassurance.  I’m trying to give him that, but he says it might be too little too late because he doesn’t want to be in a marriage where he doesn’t feel like an equal partner.  What can I do to show him that he’s being overly dramatic because I do love and respect him?  Just because I don’t constantly slather him with praise and reassurance doesn’t mean there’s a lack of affection and love.”

In the following article, I’ll offer some insights on why your husband may feel this way and what you can do to address it.

Whether You Think What Your Husband Is Saying Is Accurate Or Not, Listen And Offer Your Validation: The wife in this situation was a little annoyed with her husband because he suddenly needed a lot of hand holding that had never been asked for or required before.   She felt that he was being a little needy and that the whole thing was silly.  While this is understandable, it’s my experience and belief that any time your husband is bothered enough about something to approach you about it, then it’s worth not only listening, but offering validation and action.  Wouldn’t you want him to do the same for you?  In this situation, the husband was troubled enough that he actually told the wife that he didn’t want to be in a marriage where he didn’t feel loved and respected.  This was an incredibly strong statement that should not be ignored.

Although the wife felt that he was being a little overly dramatic, she probably shouldn’t let her husband know that she felt this way. Instead, she should listen without interruption or judgment and offer some physical support.  She should look at him while he is speaking, hold his hand if possible, and lean in so that he knows that his concerns are being listened to and prioritized.  Then, it’s always a good idea to repeat back what has been said so that the other person knows that not only are you listening, but you’re also trying to understand exactly how best to proceed.  You might also ask some direct questions like: “what could I do to make you feel more loved and respected?  What kinds of things would help you to feel more secure?”  Anything that you can do to get very direct and pointed information is going to make your job a lot easier.

Be careful about the tone of your voice.  It probably took a lot of internal debate and struggle for your husband to come to you with this concern.  You don’t want for him to be sorry that he brought it up.  You want for him to know that he can come to you with any concern and that you will do your best to fix and address it because you love him and would want for him to do the same for you.

Ways To Make Your Husband Feel Loved And Respected: Now that we’ve discussed how you should react, let’s discuss what to do after you’ve had this conversation.  The wife wasn’t sure how to act around her husband after his declaration.  She felt like she had been showing him a decent amount of love and respect all along.  She wondered if he expected to be coddled or catered to because she certainly didn’t intend to do either of those things.

The key here is to listen to the verbal clues the husband has offered.  He had pretty much spelled things out to her when he’d said that he never really listens and she acts without taking his ideas, feelings or wishes into consideration.  Basically he was asking to be heard and then to be part of the process.  Frankly, this wasn’t too much to ask.

Moving forward, the wife could just begin to watch her interactions with her husband very carefully. Every time she had the chance to really listen to him, she should take full advantage of this.  No one was saying that she had to be overly accommodating, but men and husbands aren’t really that different from us in this regard.  Sometimes, we think that because they seem physically stronger, they must not need our reassurance and attention.  This assumption just is not true.  They want to feel loved, heard, validated, and respected in the same way that we do.  And sometimes, because they are the person who is closest to us, we tend to assume that they know how we feel when they think it would be nice if we would show them once in a while because they feel taken for granted.

Every one wants to know and believe that their spouse cares enough to really stop, listen and understand how they think and feel and then to respond accordingly.  Frankly, really listening intently is one of the greatest gifts that you can give your spouse.  This one simple thing can greatly improve your marriage.  So listening would be the first place where I placed my attention, focus and priority.  Then, the wife should consider involving the husband more in any decision process.  This seemed like such a little and petty thing with the wife, but clearly it was a big thing to the husband.  It shouldn’t take a lot of adjusting to include him more.

Finally, so that the husband no longer felt taken for granted the wife should turn her attention to showing a little more physical and emotional affection.  Doing these three things would hopefully begin to improve the situation.  Quick and decisive action really is important because people who feel unappreciated and taken for granted will often internalize and over react to any little slight.  So it can be important (at least at first) to not give him anything to reinforce these negative feelings and doubts.

I wish that I had listened to my own husband more when he told me that he was feeling taken for granted and disrespected.  My inability to act almost costs me my marriage.  There was actually a time when my husband was absolutely sure that our marriage was at it’s end. I suspected it wasn’t too late to change things and to save our marriage. Thank goodness I listened to my heart. With a bit of effort and trying new things, I was able to save the marriage. You can read that  very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people don’t have a real sense of how much progress they are making while they are on a marital or trial separation. Often, while they are relieved that they aren’t relentlessly fighting with their spouse, they also aren’t sure if there is any real and meaningful improvement.

A wife might say: “we’ve been separated for about five weeks. My hope was always that this would improve our marriage so that we would reconcile. However, I’m not sure if this is going to be possible. My husband and I are getting along fine. We see one another about twice per week. We no longer dwell on the problems that lead to the separation. However, we aren’t really connecting either. We just seem to be in a holding pattern. When I told my husband this, he said he feels that the separation is going as well as can be expected. I’m not sure if I believe him. How do you know when things are going well during your separation? How do you know if you’re making any progress at all?” I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

I understand where this wife was coming from because I have been there myself. You often fantasize that you’re going to actually improve your marriage because you’re going to miss one another so much that you can hardly stand it. When this doesn’t turn out to be the reality, it can be quite disappointing.

But sometimes, I think that we expect too much too soon. When we’re disappointed in the pace, we put pressure on our husbands or we insinuate that we aren’t happy and this just makes things worse. So in the following article, I will discuss things to look for that might indicate that the separation is going well enough.

No One Has Filed For Divorce Or Made An Attempt To Make The Separation Permanent.

I know that this probably doesn’t sound all that reassuring. But honestly, if he hasn’t mentioned a divorce, you’re a bit ahead of the game. Because I get lots of correspondence from wives who started out separated but who are now facing a divorce. So if this isn’t your reality, be grateful for that and know that this is cause for reassurance.

Things Are Cordial (Or Somewhat Better) Between You:

I know that the gold standard is flirtation or dating one another regularly during the separation. This is what we all hope for and this is the ideal. Ultimately, you want to reignite the romance. You want to flirt with your husband. You want for him to pursue you. You want for things to become so good and intense between you, that he wants to come home immediately in order to reconcile.

Of course, you can’t expect for this to happen immediately, but it should be your ultimate goal. And you have to realize that sometimes this happens gradually. As long as each week is a little better than the last, this is progress and this is a reason for hope.

What Can You Do If You Don’t Feel That Things Are Going Well?:

First of all, if you’re seeing any of the signs I mentioned above, know that if you’re feeling down or pressuring your husband, you may consider backing off a little. Because you want for things to feel very natural and light between the two of you. So if things are going reasonably well, don’t push too hard.

But if you’re not seeing these positive signs, ask yourself if there are a few issues that keep coming up that you could either reevaluate or shelf for a while. Ask yourself if there is a way that you could get back on track. Evaluate if changing your responses or your attitude (even just a little,) could also change the outcome.

I know that this probably sounds simplistic, but anything that you can do to make sure that you are upbeat, receptive, and easy to relate to is only going to help you. Because ultimately, you want for your husband to have a very easy time reaching out to you and you want to build upon this over time.

If you do this successfully, you will likely notice that your husband begins to reach out to you more and more. You will notice that he is calling, coming by, and being very receptive to you when you are together. It’s not really that difficult to tell if there is tension or ease between the two of you when you are together or are interacting. If there is tension, that’s your cue to ramp back whatever negativity is present. If there is ease, then that’s your cue to keep doing more of what is already working.

So to answer the question posed, you can often tell a separation is going well when you notice that both people are still trying and no one has attempted to make the separation permanent.  Of course, it’s ideal when it’s obvious that you both want to be together, but you have to understand that this sometimes takes a bit of time.

It was pretty obvious to me that my separation wasn’t going well because my husband avoided me at all costs. This lead me to be clingy which made things even worse.  It wasn’t until I changed strategies and adjusted my outlook that I saw a vast improvement and we were able to save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from women whose husbands have initiated a separation to try living apart for a while to see if the separation improves their marriage. Often, it is implied that this is only temporary and that at some point in the future, the husband will come home and try to work things out or the couple might decide that the marriage can’t be saved (or that they don’t want to save it) and they may take legal measures like a divorce. Either way, most people get a resolution where the living apart either ends to save the marriage or a divorce ends up being the result of being separated.

But what happens when there is no clear resolution? I recently heard from a wife on my blog whose husband announced that he wanted to continue to live separately and apart from one another for the long term. He even hinted that this might be a permanent solution. The wife said in part: “my husband and I have been separated for about seven months. To be honest, we are now getting along better than we ever have. We see each other at least 3 – 4 times per week and when we are together, we can focus on having fun rather than on things like household chores or the drudgery of day to day life. This keeps things fresh between us and I think we both believe that the romantic aspect of our relationship has greatly improved. This is one reason why I thought that he would eventually move back home. But yesterday he told me that he was leaning toward wanting to live apart full time. He said he’d seen a TV show where the couple were married but lived in separate homes and that, like us, they were very happy. I have to admit that I am happier with our marriage lately. But I always assumed that he would eventually come back home. If I had known that he would want to make the whole living apart thing permanent, I would have never agreed to let him go in the first place. What can I do about this? I don’t want a marriage where I don’t live with my husband. But I feel like if I push it, he’ll just go ahead and get a divorce, which I certainly don’t want because we are actually much happier.”

There Are Very Happy Couples Who Live Apart On A Full Time Or Permanent Basis, But Both People Generally Agree On The Terms: Although this arrangement certainly isn’t the norm, it’s not totally unheard of or uncommon either. Some couples have found that living part really works for them. Usually, they get together regularly and some even have dinner together and interact on a daily basis. They may even stay at each other’s place regularly. But typically, they both like having their own space. Many feel that this offers them the best of both worlds. And although some of their friends and family do not understand their arrangement, it works for them and they don’t particularly care what other people think. Many in this situation tell you that many of the people who criticize their arrangement aren’t nearly as happily married as they are.

With that said, often the couples who are happily living in this situation both completely agree on the terms. So in order for this to work, both people need to be on board and in agreement about what is happening. Because if one person is only participating because they feel as if they really don’t have any other choice, their heart is not really going to be in it and they are not going to be as happy as they probably could or should be. That’s why if one spouse (like the wife in this situation) has reservations or hesitations, it’s important to address and resolve them, which leads me to my next point.

Potential Strategies To Take When Your Husband Wants To Live Apart Full Time: The wife in this situation had some important decisions to make. When she looked forward, she just could not envision continuing to be happy if her husband was not ever going to live with her full time. She felt pretty strongly about this even though she openly admitted that, for now, they were both pretty happy with how things were going.

Considering this, I suggested that she shelf the issue only for right now. Her husband felt equally as strong on his desire to have his own space right now. So since things were immediately not only OK but pretty good, there was probably no need to push so hard that her husband was pushed further away from her and may not be as open and accessible as he was being right now.

Now, there may come a time in the future where she was no longer as happy and she had every right to renegotiate at that time. But, in my opinion, there was no need to thwart her happiness today by dwelling on what she may or may not feel tomorrow. So my suggestion would be to say something to the affect of “I know that you want to live apart on a permanent and full time basis. I’m not ready to commit to that and I am not sure if I ever will be. But, I am happy right now and I know that you are too. Why don’t want just continue on as we are and reevaluate in say, three months from now? Are you willing to do that? Why don’t we talk about this again a little later and see how we are both feelings at the time. Does that work for you?”

Hopefully, the husband would be willing to make this sort of compromise since the wife was giving a little on the issue right now. Perhaps the husband would give a little on the issue in the future. But in my opinion, the couple was happy right now. They could always reevaluate in the future. But for now, I felt it was best not to compromise their tomorrows by worrying about anything more than today. They were doing a great job of saving and strengthening their marriage and they needed to continue on that path rather than placing their sole focus on where they would be living (and with whom) in the very long term future.

My husband and I lived apart for a while we we were separated. I didn’t particularly like this arrangement but it actually ended up strengthening our marriage so that, when I finally talked my husband into saving it, things went a little more smoothly. If it helps, you can read about this whole marriage saving process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are dealing with husbands who can’t come to a decision as to whether or not he wants to reconcile.  Often, the uncertainty and lack of commitment is very frustrating and hurtful.  It can feel as if your life is still up in the air when all you want is a little stability.

I heard from a wife who said “my husband and I have been separated for three months.  Over time, things have improved significantly between us.  I see some very positive signs and this never ceases to get my hopes up.  There is nothing that I want more than to reconcile with my husband by the time the holidays roll around.  I want us to all be together as a family for Christmas.  However, every time I bring up reconciling my husband says he just isn’t sure.  He won’t make a firm commitment and says he just wants to “wait and see” since things are going so well.    This is so hurtful to me.  I don’t see why he is holding back.  Everything is going very well between us.  My kids miss their daddy.  So why won’t he just commit to reconciling?  And how should I act around him to make sure that he does? Because this is creating some tension between us.”  I will try to address these questions in the following article.

Some Reasons That Your Husband May Be Unsure About Reconciling: I hear from a lot of husbands in this exact situation.  And I can share with you what many tell me about their hesitation.  Sometimes, they just want to take their time and make sure that it’s right.  They don’t want to move back in, get everyone’s hopes up, and then watch their family go through him moving out all over again if things don’t work out.  Some of these husbands will tell you that they think their wife is on her best behavior to try to lure him home and the fear is that she will eventually resort back to old behaviors once he has made the commitment to reconcile.  And some worry that since nothing has really haven’t changed in terms of your problems, the same issues are going to be present once he comes home.

Now, none of these objections are impossible to overcome.  As you might suspect, sometimes time and progress can help you to overcome all of his doubts and potential objections.  Often, time, progress, and your sincerity will show him that things continue to just get better and better between you.  Frankly, his seeing this for himself is often much more effective than any words that you could ever say.

How Should You Act When Your Husband Isn’t Sure About A Reconciliation?: What I see working the most often is having loving patience combined with having a plan.  And I know that this probably isn’t what you want to hear.  I know first hand that it’s so tempting to try to apply more pressure or to just try to keep talking in the hopes that one day, he will give in.  I know that you want him home within a very short time frame.  But usually, applying more pressure will hurt your chances rather than help them.

Because you need to show your husband that what you ultimately want is for the two of you to be able to be happy again for the long term.  So your goal really should not be about getting him home as quickly as possible (no matter what you need to do to accomplish this.)  Instead, it should be about making sure that it’s absolutely right when it does happen so that it will last.

To that end, you want to be as low key and as patient as possible.  If you ask your husband about a reconciliation and he says he’s not sure, then it’s probably not in your best interest to keep asking.  He needs to see that he can trust the positive path your marriage is taking.  And nagging or pressuring him runs counter to what you are trying to accomplish.

So, a suggested script might be something like “well obviously that’s not what I was hoping to hear, but when we do reconcile, I want you to be one hundred percent sure that this is what you want because I want for us both to be happy and together forever.  I don’t mind giving you time and being patient because I know that it will be worth it in the end.  There’s no need to rock the boat when things are improving between us.  And I want them to continue to improve because my primary goals are you and our marriage.  But I’m also thinking in the long rather than the short term. ”

And, nothing says that this wife’s family couldn’t be together during the holidays. In fact, since the two of them were getting along so well, there was no reason to believe that they wouldn’t share a happy family holiday.  Sure, they may not be together as a reconciled couple (at least not yet,) but they would still be together as a family and they could still lay the foundation for next year.

I truly understood where this wife was in the process.  My own husband took a very long time to finally commit to reconciliation.  Patience did help, but I believe that what helped the most was having an effective and workable plan.  To me, it’s all about applying a winning strategy and combining that with patience.  If you want to read more about how this worked for me, please feel free to read my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: One of the most common complaints that I hear from wives is about husbands who are always responding to everything with negativity. These wives will describe a husband who is critical and controlling. And this husband is not silent about his displeasure. No, he’ll loudly complain to anyone who will listen. Even those who aren’t particularly interested in his negativity can’t help but hear his constant complaints. In short, he attempts to make everyone around him as miserable as he is.

Needless to say, when your spouse acts this way, your marriage isn’t always tons of fun. And although you may love your husband deeply, you don’t necessarily like being around him when he’s one of these negative moods. You may even wonder if you’ll have to live this way for the rest of your life, or if your marriage is in trouble.

A wife may be dealing with a situation like this one, “My husband constantly complains about everything under the sun. If we go out and try to have a nice family dinner, he’ll complain that the kids are too loud in the car. Or that his steak if overdone in the restaurant. He might ask me why I’d ordered the special, since everyone knows the special is only leftovers. He may act as if the waitress is incompetent if she’s not as attentive as he’d like. He is not just critical outside of our home, though. He can also be a nightmare within it. He stands over me as I’m trying to carry out basic tasks, and will tell me how I could do it better. He acts as if living in a world with everyone else is very trying to him because no one lives up to his standards. It’s exhausting for me to live this way. And he wasn’t always like this. He used to be much more pleasant and optimistic. But lately, negativity is his go-to behavior. I worry about our marriage. He always seems so unhappy, and he’s making me unhappy too. Am I overreacting?”

Why You Aren’t Overreacting: Constant, unrelenting negativity and criticism can irrevocably harm your marriage by harboring resentment and damaging intimacy. It is very challenging (if not impossible) to not eventually feel disappointment and resentment when the person who should be your biggest supporter and cheerleader is constantly pointing out where you (and everyone else) are supposedly falling short. This can negatively affect your self-esteem and your level of satisfaction in your marriage.

When this happens, you may understandably begin to feed into the cycle of negativity because this situation is unjust and unfair.  So no, you aren’t overreacting. But you don’t have to watch helplessly as your marriage succumbs to his negativity, criticism, and complaints. You can not only react to neutralize this, but it is possible to eventually turn this situation around.

Understand Why His Complaining And Controlling Is A Mirror: No one would blame you if you were eventually fooled into believing that your husband’s behavior is about you or about the circumstances. But it isn’t. Not really. It is mostly about him.

I once had a brilliant counselor tell me that spouses tend to criticize others for issues on which they themselves have the most work to do. In other words, people tend to lash out over the perceived “shortcomings” of their spouse when they are the ones with the shortcoming.

For example, a spouse who makes you feel incompetent may have insecurities about his own competence. A spouse who comes off as a “control freak” may feel that he has to keep up this very negative persona in order to give the appearance of being in control when in reality he feels the exact opposite of this. Control freaks often act out of fear and anxiety about not being good enough, not out of superiority.

Once you understand this, you can respond very differently and much more effectively. Once you see that your spouse is not a superior bully, but someone acting out a fear of inadequacy, your mindset is more equipped to address this.

How To Most Effectively Handle A Controlling, Complaining Spouse: I know that it is very tempting to confront your spouse or to respond with the same negativity that he is projecting. Unfortunately, doing so will often only make the situation worse. He’ll either feel that he needs to ramp up his negativity to get the desired response, or he will become defensive or combative.

Since neither of those responses is what you want, I think that you’re better off trying something else. Humor can be extremely effective sometimes. As an example, when the husband above told his wife that her restaurant special was leftovers, she could have playfully said, “Awesome! I love leftovers,” with a laugh. This deflects the situation so that hopefully, everyone can enjoy their dinner. It also lets the husband know that he’s not going to bring everyone down during an outing that should be fun.

Another thing that you can try is to have a heart-to-heart. Don’t mention the negativity in moments of high tension. But the next time he begins with a slight that isn’t too out-of-control, try, “Honey, can I talk to you about something that is bothering me? Lately, there’s been a lot of negativity and complaining between us. I know that times are stressful, and some of these complaints are legitimate. But honestly, right now, they just pile up and make things worse. I’d like to bring this to your attention when I notice this so that we can work together to make our marriage and home more positive. You’re welcome to tell me when I’m being negative. We both deserve to be as happy as possible. But that’s harder to accomplish when we allow negativity into our relationship. I’ll bring it up when I notice it, and I’d encourage you to do the same.”

After you’ve had this conversation and you’re on the same page, the next time he’s overly-critical or falling into this pattern, playfully say, “negativity incoming,” and put your arms around him, or something similar that works for you. You’re not trying to feed into the pattern. You’re trying to deflect it. And you’re trying to feel close to him and supported instead of feeling distant from him and criticized.

When he sees how much better he feels and how much less anxiety this approach causes, he will likely slowly begin to change his behavior. Of course, old habits die hard. So you’ll likely need to keep reminding him when he resorts back to old patterns. But if you can increase intimacy and decrease his criticisms, you will likely find that he falls back into this behavior less often, because he just doesn’t need to. He feels better about himself, so he’s going to project positivity instead.

Please take this seriously.  Negativity and criticisms were one of the factors that contributed to my separation.  It was a very painful time and it’s possible I could have avoided this.  Although we did save our marriage, it would have been better to never separate in the first place.  That story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I think it’s very fair to say that the majority of the folks that I hear from are wives. And, of those wives, many of them are in a situation where their husband is either threatening to leave them or the marriage – or he has already left. Many of the wives are given various excuses for this – the husband needs space, he isn’t sure if he loves her anymore, he doubts his wish to remain married, he needs to evaluate his current life plan, etc.

Many of these wives have suspicions about the line that he is feeding them. I sometimes hear a comment like: “there are no less than eight wives in my office who have been left by their husbands in the last six months. The other day, we all got together and we actually compared our husband’s reasons for leaving. Many used the excuse that they needed some time to evaluate themselves and what they wanted. But many of us feel that this is the most lamest of excuses. Most of us feel that he is in a classic mid life crisis and he is just looking to trade us in for a newer model. Is this true? Because if its not, why would a man leave a really good wife who is still committed to him?”

These are questions that I have asked myself. I do have some theories. But that is all they are – my own opinion. I’m certainly not a man so I can’t say that I have experienced a middle aged man’s thought process. But I do hear from a lot of men on the verge or leaving or who have already left. Even young men express some of the same justifications for wanting to leave. Below are some of the reasons that I believe that men really leave their wives.

The Reasoning Behind A Mid Life Crisis And How They Contribute To A Man Leaving: I have had many men tell me that the mid life crisis is a myth. Perhaps the wording of it is a myth because frankly, I believe that it happens to young people too. But over and over again, I hear from or about men who get in a point in their lives where they are asking themselves “is there all this is? And if I only have so much time left, is this really the way that I want to live in my remaining time?”

By the way, women of any age can ask these questions too. Young men can ask these questions. You don’t have to be middle aged to have these concerns. But middle age is when these concerns come to the service for many people. People often tell me that a man going through this will suddenly think that he doesn’t love his wife anymore and this is why he has to leave. I don’t think that this is always true. I’ve had men tell me that they leave precisely because they do still love their wives. They hate looking at her every day and knowing that they are being unfair. And they know that they can’t accurately evaluate how they are really feeling if they are with her every single day because they will feel guilt because they care. Many will say that this is the coward’s way out and I could see that argument. But many of the men are trying to do the right thing while still staying true to themselves, at least in their own mind.

They Are In A Situation That They Feel They Just Can’t Endure Anymore: The above scenario, described a situation in which the man wasn’t really angry with his wife. There wasn’t anything wrong with his marriage. He just was wondering if it was enough at the stage of life he was in.

However, in many scenarios, the husband is dealing with something that he thinks is a potential deal breaker. Perhaps there is a serious disconnect between the spouses. Or perhaps the husband feels that his wife has done something so wrong that he will never see her or the marriage in the same way. There are many possibilities here. But in this situation, there is a definitely something that brings him leaving into motion. Perhaps the spouses no longer get along or this is a conflict that he believes just can not be worked through. Whatever the reason, he believes his life is going to be better leaving her than it will be staying with her.

They Want To See How They Would Feel Not Living With You: Many men who leave suspect that they might be happier if they were not living under the same roof as their wife. They aren’t sure that this is always going to be the case. But they know that, right now, they think it would be prudent to leave and see how this makes them feel. If they miss their wife, then they will know that their feelings or discontent were mistaken. If they don’t, then perhaps they need to think about if the marriage is working anymore. I guess you could call it an experiment of sorts.

None of these things are insurmountable. And frankly, sometimes, you don’t have to do very much to get him home. Sometimes, he realizes that he was wrong in his assumptions and he misses you. And other times, he takes his time coming to this determination or only does so once you are willing to remove some of that disconnect I talked about earlier.

My husband definitely took his time about coming home.  Part of this was my fault because I handled this very badly.  But we did eventually save our marriage and it is still going strong.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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