What Does It Mean If You’re Separated From Your Spouse But Still Having Sex

by: Leslie Cane:  Some of the people who contact me about successfully handling a separation and saving their marriage don’t have a lot of access to their spouse and are trying to change this.  But, others have regular and intimate access to their spouse – sometimes so much that the couple are still continuing to have sex even during the separation.  Many people in this situation wants to know what continuing to be physically intimate during a separation really means in terms of saving their marriage.   Many ask me if this is a good sign or means that they have a better chance of getting back together.

I recently heard from a wife who was in this situation.  She said, in part: “my husband and I have been separated for about six weeks because of repetitive marital problems that don’t seem to improve.  Right now, we’re leaving things open ended as far as a divorce goes.  Neither of us has filed or intends to, at least for the time being.  I’m glad because I never wanted the separation and I certainly don’t want the divorce.  So I’m trying to handle the separation in a way that ensures that we will get back together and save the marriage. What I’m really confused about is the fact that we’re still having sex sometimes. Many times when my husband needs to come by or we run into one another, we end up in the bedroom being intimate.  It doesn’t seem to be planned, and I don’t question it because I don’t want it to end.  Every time it’s over, I hope that it means that he’ll want to come back and end the separation, but so far it hasn’t meant that at all.  He acts like nothing has ever happened and it doesn’t seem to improve the situation.  We still haven’t made any progress on our marital problems. What does it mean if you’re separated and still having sex?  Does it mean that you have a better chance of getting back together?”

I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Having Sex After You’re Separated Doesn’t Always Mean That You Will (Or Are) Getting Back Together, But It Can Sometimes Be A Good Sign: Many of the people who ask me about this (wives in particular) often assume that continuing to have sex throughout the separation means that things are improving and that they now have a better chance of saving the marriage and getting back together.  Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case.  Sex can mean very different things to each spouse (and I’ll touch on this more a little later,) but it doesn’t always have positive (or any) ramifications for your marriage.

Sometimes, sex is a way to connect as you are both mourning the changes in the status of your relationship.  Other times, it’s seeking a release or reaching out to someone who is very familiar and comforting to you.  With that said, sometimes it can be a good sign.  It often means that you are still attracted to one another and have a physical connection which can give you something to build upon in the future.  I hear from countless couples on my “save my marriage blog” who indicate that there is no spark left between them whatsoever.   So if you still have enough spark that you find yourself falling into bed with the spouse from whom you are separated on a regular basis, this can sometimes be a pretty good indication that a connection or attraction is still there.  And sometimes, this connects you enough so that you’re motivated to do more and to work harder to save the marriage.

Sex During The Separation Can Mean Very Different Things To Both Spouses: Another issue to consider is that often, continuing to have sex means very different things to each spouse.  For example, often women (or the spouse who did not want the separation) will have a very emotional response and connection during the sex. For them, the act of having sex is a way to reconnect with (and often an attempt to hold onto) their marriage and their spouse.  Sometimes, if it was the wife who wanted or pushed for a separation and then it’s the wife who initiates the sex, this can be a good sign since many women have emotional responses or motivations for physical intimacy.

On the other side of this issue, often men (or the spouse who wanted or pushed for the separation) will have less of an emotional and more of a physical response.  They aren’t necessarily having sex because they want to get back together or because they are acting on any deep emotional feelings (although they certainly might be.)  Sometimes, they are a bit confused or unsure about the separation or the relationship and are reacting to the same.  Sex with a reluctant spouse who wanted the separation can mean that they are now unsure if they want to leave the marriage, but this isn’t always a safe assumption.

How To Handle It If You’re Unsure What Sex Means During Your Martial Or Trial Separation: Although many people in this situation see the sex as positive sign or prefer still having sex over not having any contact at all with their spouse, many are quite confused and unsure.  The sex often leaves them wondering if they are being taken advantage of or if they are getting their hopes up only to later have them dashed.

If you’re enjoying the sex, don’t have mixed feelings about it, and it doesn’t leave you with questions to which you want answers, then it’s certainly possible that you’re going to continue on with the sexual relationship until it’s clear that you’re either getting back together or you can’t or don’t want to go down that path any longer.

But if you have your doubts about what all of this means and you worry that you’re going to get hurt in the end, you might want to open up some dialog with your spouse to see what they’re feeling.  You don’t have to insinuate that you’re assuming that you’ll reconcile or that you’re hanging all of your hopes on the regular sex, but you might tell them that it’s difficult for you to connect physically when you don’t know what’s going to happen in the future.  This gives them the opportunity to either offer you reassurance or clarification or to realize that taking advantage of the situation is the wrong path to take if they have no intention of reconciling.

Honestly, I didn’t have the luxury of having sex with my spouse while we were separated.  He was not receptive to me either emotionally or physically.  And unfortunately, I did not understand that there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about saving your marriage.  I pursued the wrong way for far too long and it almost costs me my marriage.  Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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My Husband Says That Sometimes He Doesn’t Love Me: What It Might Really Mean — And What You Can Do About It

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are completely shaken when their husband says something like, “Sometimes I DON’T love you,” or “Sometimes, I don’t know how I feel about you anymore.” And sometimes, he doesn’t willingly say this. You have to coax it out of him, so you know he’s not just saying it for effect.

These words tend to hit like a punch to the gut. Understandably, many wives immediately assume the worst — that the love is gone, that the marriage is doomed, that he will be promptly filing for divorce soon, and that there’s nothing they can do.

But before you panic or give in to fear, I want to encourage you to take a breath and look at this from a slightly different angle. These are just words said in one moment in time. And in many cases, this kind of statement doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage is over — or even that he doesn’t love you. It might mean he is frustrated enough to voice some hurtful words. And it is important to understand why.

Let’s take a closer look at what might really be going on when a husband says he doesn’t always feel love — and how you can respond in a way that helps rather than hurts.

Always Examine The Context: Sometimes, we all say things out of frustration and in the heat of the moment. And you can’t take these words back. There is a difference between something he said in the middle of a tiff or at your urging and something he said when he has thought about it for a very long time and is just getting his courage up to tell you. Appreciate and examine this difference.

Don’t Assume He Means He Never Loves You Or Even That He Doesn’t Love You Most Of The Time: When someone says “sometimes I don’t love you,” it’s easy to hear “I don’t love you at all.” Or “I’ve never loved you.”  But that’s not what was said. He was careful in his wording. Pay attention to that.

The truth is, all marriages go through emotional ups and downs. It’s not unusual for even committed spouses to feel disconnected, angry, and spiteful at times. That’s especially true if there’s been stress, disappointment, or poor communication for a while. Saying “sometimes I don’t feel love” may be more about feeling numb, overwhelmed, or emotionally burned out than it is about actually falling out of love.

So instead of reacting with panic, it can help to approach this statement with curiosity. Try to understand what he’s really saying. Is he feeling distant? Unfulfilled? Misunderstood? Has life become so busy or strained that neither of you feels as close as you used to?

Many wives are surprised to learn that their husband is just as confused or hurt as they are — he just doesn’t know how to express it any differently.

Could It Be That This Is About Something Else?: I don’t want to discourage you from examining what might be bothering your husband about your marriage. That is ALWAYS smart. But sometimes, husbands lash out at the people closest to them when they are feeling stressed somewhere else. That may be at work, with their extended family, with their health, or something else.  Before you panic, consider that this may not be all about you or even your marriage, which leads me to my next point.

Stay Grounded. Don’t Be Overly Dramatic: I know how tempting it is to try to fix things immediately. You may want to say, “But I love YOU! How can you say that?” or “Please don’t give up on us.”

But in my experience, when a wife responds by begging for reassurance or clinging too tightly, it often has the opposite effect.

That’s because when someone is feeling unsure or emotionally flat, they need space to process those feelings — not more pressure to pretend everything’s okay. In other words, he doesn’t want to do the emotional work of reassuring you when he’s probably feeling emotionally flooded already. What he really needs is room to figure out what he’s feeling (and what is the true source) without being pushed in any one direction.

That doesn’t mean you pretend like nothing happened. It just means you don’t allow fear or desperation to take over. You can still respond with love and concern — but do it calmly, with dignity. Show him that you’re open to hearing his thoughts without spiraling into panic, despair, or blame. “I’m listening” is the better option over “How can you say that to me?”

Ask the Right Questions, Then Really Listen: One of the most powerful things you can do in this moment is ask gentle, open-ended questions and then really listen to the answers. For example, you might say:
“When you are ready and up for it, I want to understand what you’re feeling. When you say that sometimes you don’t feel love for me, what does that look like or feel like to you? Has something changed recently? Have I done something that I can fix? Is there something you want me to address?”

Give him space to answer honestly. Resist the urge to defend yourself or correct him. Just listen. This alone can begin to shift things. Many men don’t even realize how disconnected or defensive they’ve become until they finally say the words out loud — and are met with empathy and love rather than argument and correction.

Focus on True Reconnection — Not Just Fixing His “Problem” Feelings: If your husband is feeling emotionally detached or vacant, trying to talk him into loving you again probably won’t work. What does work — slowly, but surely — is showing him the version of yourself he once fell in love with. And being the person who truly “gets” him and is willing to let him be completely and truly himself – good, bad, and ugly. You want to become the person he is most comfortable talking to, without judgment and an agenda.

That doesn’t mean you become someone you’re not. It just means you gradually bring back the warmth, the laughter, the connection that may have been missing. You create new moments of joy and calm instead of tension and pressure.

I’m not going to lie. This isn’t easy. Because you’re going to want to pounce and ask for reassurance and show affection as you are playing the role of a reassuring listener. Don’t make that mistake. Have patience.

This might look like spending a little time doing something together that you both enjoy with no expectations. Or it might mean simply lightening the mood in small ways — a kind word, a genuine smile, a shared activity. These little things can eventually be the start of something bigger. But keep it slow. Keep it genuine. Never make it seem like you have a plan.

This Doesn’t Have To Be A Turning Point: Hearing your husband say he doesn’t always feel love is painful. I won’t pretend otherwise. But it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. And it doesn’t mean the marriage is over. I went through this. I am still married, but I had to get strategic.)

Many couples go through periods of emotional drought and distant feelings, especially when life gets hard, or when unresolved issues pile up (some of which may have nothing to do with you.) But that doesn’t mean you can’t rebuild. That doesn’t mean you can’t be “his person” who is willing to listen. In fact, sometimes being honest about those feelings is what finally brings real change. It honestly took some courage for him to say what he said. Don’t let it go to waste. It may actually turn out to be a good thing if you can turn this around.

Want to read more about how I reconnected with my husband when he most definitely was claiming not to love me anymore and boldly proclaiming he wanted out? It was heartbreaking, but I didn’t let him shake me off for good – although I had to be very strategic. You can read my personal story on my blog at isavedmymarriage.com.

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How To Respond When Your Husband Says He Wants A Divorce

By Leslie Cane:  I often hear from women who are struggling to decide how to respond when their husband tells them that he wants a divorce.  Most of the women who contact me don’t want a divorce and want to save their marriages instead.  Sometimes, the husband has already mentioned the divorce and, other times, the wives know that the conversation is coming and they want to know how to best handle and respond to it.

I understand that this is probably one of the most difficult conversations that you might ever have.  I also know that you’re probably rehearsing this in your head because you want to say and do the right thing.  And, it doesn’t help when your emotions begin to run away from you because you begin to think about what’s ahead with fear rather than looking at the days right in front of you with hope.

In the following article, I’m going to offer some tips on how I feel is the best way to respond when your husband says he wants a divorce. These tips are based on my own experiences and observations (and on what I have seen work the best for wives that want to save their marriages.  Obviously, if you agree with your husband and want a divorce, then that’s another article for another time.)

Try To Take In Not Just What He Says About The Divorce But Also How He’s Saying It.  What Clues Is He Offering You (Even If He Doesn’t Know It): It’s very important to remain calm and to place most of your focus on listening and taking this in rather than arguing or trying to have a back and forth conversation.  The reason for this is that how he presents his request for a divorce is going to give you some clues about his true feelings.  Sometimes, what he doesn’t say is every bit as important as what he does say.

As tempting as it can be to respond in haste, try to make listening your first focus.  What, precisely is he saying to you?  How is he saying it? What is he not saying?  What does this tell you about his thought process?  For example, does he mention his feelings for and his love for you or is he leaving that part out?  Is he giving you specific reasons for the divorce or is he leaving things vague?  Does his mind seem to be made up or is he wavering? What does his body language say about his resolve?

The answers to these types of questions will help you to develop your best strategy when you’re trying to save your marriage in the face of divorce.  Now, I will go over some responses that you really should try to avoid when your husband says he wants a divorce.

Responses You Should Avoid When Your Husband Says He Wants A Divorce: I know that it can be very difficult to have complete control over your response when the topic is so emotionally charged and the stakes are so high.  But, to the best of your ability, you should avoid any arguing or debating.   This type of response usually won’t help you any way and will actually usually make a divorce more likely instead of less likely.

You should steer clear of any responses that will get a negative reaction from him.  You don’t want to try to get him to feel sorrow or pity because this too will make him feel more negatively about you or the marriage.  So, phrases like “how could you do this to me?” are not the best choice.  Another common phrase is something like:  “who do you think you are?  You’re just going to throw our marriage away because things aren’t completely perfect.”  Another example is “Does it even matter that I don’t want a divorce?  Why do you get to decide what happens to our marriage?”  And here’s one more: “Are you even thinking about our children?  What is this going to do to them?  How could you be so selfish?”

While all of these phrases are understandable, none of them help your cause.

Another thing that you don’t want to do is to make threats or tell him that you are going to fight him every step of the way.  You don’t want to insinuate that he’s going to lose a lot of money or see his kids less if he divorces you.  I know that this can be very tempting and it might feel as if this is the only leverage that you have.  But playing these types of cards will generally make him even more determined to divorce you and to prove you wrong.  Not only that, but do you really want your husband to stay married to you because he can’t afford a divorce or only because of his kids?  Probably not.  You want him to stay married to you because he is happily married and because he wants to be there.

All of these types of responses are absolutely understandable, but they don’t get you any closer to your goal of figuring out the best way to approach this to save your marriage.  And these type of responses will also sometimes make your husband feel very defensive which can sometimes even strengthen his resolve to get a divorce.  This is what happened when my own husband wanted a divorce.  I handled this badly and it actually made things a lot harder for me.

What I Think Is The Best Response When Your Husband Says He Wants A Divorce: I know that I’m asking a lot, but, time after time, I notice that the best response is the one that allows you to maintain your dignity while at the same time, allows you to focus on maintaining the relationship as best as you can.  Because in order to have the best chance of saving your marriage, you are going to need a decent relationship with your husband and you will need access to him.  So, you don’t want to do anything that is going to jeopardize this.  And, you want to lay the groundwork for future interactions.   Obviously, you want to respond in a way that makes you comfortable and that will be successful for you, but here’s just one suggestion.

“Well, it goes without saying that this is not what I wanted to hear and I’m pretty floored.  I love you and don’t want to end our marriage.  However, I’m not the only decision maker in this marriage and you clearly feel differently, at least right now.  I would just hope that as this process moves forward, in whatever way that it does, that we don’t allow this to completely deteriorate our relationship.  You are simply too important to me.  I don’t want to end up like those couples who can’t stand each other or who let their relationship dissolve into nothing.  I hope that we can maintain some sense of closeness because that is more important to me than anything else right now.”

Do you see why I included some of the phrases that I did?  You’re setting it up and laying the groundwork so that you will have access to him in the days to come so that hopefully, he will be receptive to you.  I hope you can see that this response puts you in a much better position than arguing, debating, or attempting to make him feel guilt or other negative emotions.

I know that you are going through a very hard time right now.  I know that your heart is likely breaking.  But, this doesn’t always have to mean the end of your marriage.  It didn’t for me.  If it helps, you can read about how I saved my own marriage when my husband wanted a divorce on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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How To Ask For A Second Chance In Your Marriage Without Pushing Your Spouse Further Away

By: Leslie Cane: I’ve dialogued with a lot of people who want nothing more than another chance in their marriage. Sometimes, their spouse has already asked for space, a break, or even a divorce. Other times, things haven’t gone quite that far, but the marriage still feels fragile or tense, and they’re hoping for an about-face so that they can save their marriage. They often ask me the same question: How do I even begin to ask for a second chance without making things worse?

I completely understand this concern, and I’ve seen it play out more than a few times. You want to save your marriage, but you’re afraid of pushing your spouse further away in the process. You’re afraid of shining a spotlight on what’s wrong. Why draw more attention to your flaws? And frankly, how you approach this conversation can make a real difference in whether or not you get that second chance.

The Approach That Often Backfires: What I often see — and what I gently caution against — is the desperate plea. You may feel like you have to fix things right now. You might be tempted to plead, call, text, apologize over and over, or promise the world if they’ll just give you – and your marriage – another chance.

But understand this. When someone is already feeling disconnected or checked out of their marriage, a barrage of emotional pressure can feel more like a burden than an attractive lure. It’s not that they don’t want to hear from you, necessarily — it’s that they don’t want to be pushed before they’re ready. And when they feel pushed, it can confirm to them that the relationship is still off-balance. It shows them once more that they want to distance themselves from this whole deal.  Don’t ask for anything before you’ve shown BOTH sincerity and change.

A Better Way To Ask For Another Chance: In my experience, the more effective approach is one that comes from calm reflection and a place of mutual respect AFTER you have demonstrated calm, methodical change or actions.

You don’t have to have a perfect speech prepared. In fact, it is better that you don’t. You know the adage “show, don’t tell?” It’s never more appropriate than right now.

That’s why what often works best is showing your spouse that you understand them, what they want, how they feel, and what they most need from you. It needs to be VERY clear that you’ve taken the time to think deeply about what went wrong — and what steps you intend to take to make it right. And this involves showing him, not just explaining this to him.

When You’re Stuck In Showing Not Telling: If you are stuck and aren’t sure how to approach this, put yourself in his shoes. How do you think he feels right now? Probably quite frustrated, confused, and anxious. This is a big step that he is contemplating, and anyone would feel uneasy about it, even if he’s trying not to show it.

Ask yourself what has most hurt them and your marriage, and then define what they need to see and hear from you before they’d feel safe moving forward (or at least thinking about it).

When You’re Ready To Talk: When you’re ready, speak from the understanding and empathy that have come from really and truly examining this situation from your HUSBAND’S perspective (not just yours.)

Acknowledge where things have gone off track. Be specific. You might say something like:

“I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened between us. And I believe you might feel (insert your honest guess here). Is that accurate? I’d really like to understand how you’re feeling if you are willing to share with me right now.”

Then, just listen. Don’t interrupt. Don’t defend. Don’t try to redefine or correct what he is saying. Just hear him. It sounds simple, but it can be incredibly powerful.

And when you speak again, keep it short and sincere. As an example:
“I’m sorry you feel this way. I’m hurting too. And I’d like to do everything I can to make things better. If you’d be open to it, I’d like to share a few things I’ve realized about how I want to do things differently moving forward.”

Your tone should not be one of begging. It should be about showing growth, maturity, and a willingness to meet your spouse in the middle or even more, which is exactly what many people are hoping to see when they’re unsure whether their marriage can be saved.

If Your Spouse Is Resistant Or Reluctant, Don’t Push: As nice as it might be, it’s very possible that your spouse won’t leap into your arms right away. In fact, they may not respond much at all at first. They may not believe you. They may think that you’re just posturing or saying what they want to hear.

That doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage can’t be saved. It often just means that they’re still processing. Or they’re watching to see if your words are going to match your actions. So you have to show your sincerity and patience. Don’t be put off by this. Just know it means you’ll need to work a little longer. And that’s fine.

Instead of trying to push him toward a quick resolution, show him, through your everyday actions, that you’re serious about change. Be patient, kind, loving, empathetic, and consistent. Show up as the best version of yourself — the one they likely fell in love with. This isn’t about pretending or performing. It’s about remembering what once existed between you and could reappear again.

You Might Have More Power Than You Think: Here’s something I say a lot: your spouse didn’t marry a stranger. They married you. So even if things feel tense or uncertain right now, you already have a history, and at some point, they saw you as someone they deeply cared for, more than anyone else in the world. That gives you a foothold — one you can use to rebuild, slowly and steadily. You actually know this man more than anyone else.

If you stay calm, stay kind, and stay true to your word, you may find that he opens up to both you and your request for another chance.

And if you want to hear how I personally got a second chance in my own marriage using this approach, you can read my story on my blog at isavedmymarriage.com. I hope it helps you.

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Why Does He Want A Divorce When He Says He Still Loves Me?

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from women who are extremely confused and horribly hurt. Their husband has told them that he wants a divorce. And, if this isn’t bad enough, he’s insisting that he still loves them. I heard from a wife who said: “out of the blue, my husband took me out to dinner and said that he had something very important to tell me but that he knew that this news was going to hurt me. Then, he confessed that he no longer wanted to be married to me and that he’s seeking a divorce. I was stunned into several moments of silence. Then, I asked him why. He wasn’t giving me any decent answers so I blurted out ‘don’t you love me anymore’ to which he replied that he will always love me. I told him he was talking about pity love or about the way you would love a friend and he said that no, he was still in love with me romantically but didn’t want to be married to me anymore. I don’t understand this. Why would a man love his wife but want to divorce her?” I will try to answer this baffling question in the following article.

Sometimes, Love Doesn’t Have As Much To Do With It As You Might Suspect: I would say that about 90 percent of the people who visit my blog believe that a divorce means that at least one of the spouses no longer loves the other. This isn’t the case. Very often, people file for divorce (or even go through with it and end their marriage) when they still love their spouse very much. But sometimes, they think that this same love just isn’t enough anymore.

He May See The Marriage As Something That Is Holding Him Back Or Making Him Unhappy: Clearly, I didn’t know this wife or her husband, so I couldn’t guess at specifics. But sometimes, there is a perception that no longer being married would give him some freedom or relieve some burden. I am not saying that this is at all true. I’m just saying that this is sometimes the perception. Some men seem to think that being married is keeping them from pursuing their dreams or is keeping them from being the man that they need to be. Another possibility is that the man thinks that the conflicts or the dynamics in the marriage are emotionally bringing him down in some way. Again, I can’t possibly know the situation, but you can take a close look at your marriage to see if any of these things apply to you.

Despite The Love, There Is A Deal Breaking Issue That He Just Can’t Get Past: Sometimes, there is an issue that keeps coming up again and again that doesn’t appear to be disappearing any time soon. Sometimes, this is things like monetary issues, sex, infidelity, or an inability to work through the couple’s differences. On my blog, it’s pretty clear to me that men seem to have less patience with deal-breaking issues than women. This isn’t true in all marriages of course. But generally speaking, the husbands tend to be less willing to give an issue some time to work itself out, while the wives have much more patience.

He Has Some Romantic Notion Of Being Single: I feel that I have to mention this. I’ve noticed that some men (particularly when they get to be a certain age) tend to develop a sort of romantic or naive notion about being single. Some of them look around and see young, single coworkers or newly divorced older men, and they begin to believe that these single men really have it made. This isn’t usually the reality of the situation, of course. But this is what they sometimes believe. And they can actually think that as soon as they are single, they will suddenly be blissfully happy. Many are disappointed to find that this isn’t the case at all.

He May Not Really Want A Divorce. He May Just Want A Reaction: There is always the possibility that he doesn’t really want a divorce, but it does want a reaction. It’s not uncommon for men to have this talk in the hopes that the wife will suddenly make concessions or suddenly be very agreeable in the marriage. This isn’t playing fair, but some men will try this.

Take Heart In The Fact That The Love Is Still There And No Divorce Has Been Filed For Or Finalized: I know that this situation hurts. I know that this is a scary time. But not all couples in this situation still have the love. And the love is your ace in the hole. It what means that there is still a lot of hope.

Quite frankly, many couples change their mind about the divorce. Many people file for divorce (or say they intend to file for divorce) and are eventually still very happily married. So don’t assume that his talk means you are most definitely going to get a divorce. Nothing says this is true. He does love you and, with a very workable plan, I believe that some women in this situation will be able to save their marriage and avoid divorce because this was true for me.

Despite the fact that my husband was initially considering a divorce, I did eventually save my marriage and we are very happily married today.  It took work, patience, and a very sound strategy, but I was able to turn things around.  If it helps you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Signs Your Husband Doesn’t Care About You Or Your Marriage Anymore

By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who tell me that they don’t think that their husband cares about them anymore.  They will often report a husband who just doesn’t seem involved or invested in them or the marriage.  Sometimes, when they confront their husband with these suspicions, he will deny that there is anything wrong and the wife will wonder if she’s just imagining things or being paranoid.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I just don’t think my husband cares about me anymore.   He doesn’t bother to come home on time.  He drifts in and out after our family has already had dinner.  He never listens to me anymore.  He’s never there for me or the kids.  He seems more interested and involved with his friends than he is with his own family.  He never shows me physical affection anymore.  When he is around or does spend time with our family, he acts as if he wishes he were somewhere else.  But when I confront him about this, he says I expect too much and just love to complain.  I don’t want to make things worse between us by arguing with him, but I’m pretty sure he just doesn’t care about me, my happiness, my kids, or this marriage anymore.  How do I know if I’m right?”

These are challenging questions.  Without talking the husband and having him be completely honest (which didn’t seem likely)  most of the conclusions that you draw have to be based on comparing past behaviors with present behaviors and then looking at the big picture.  With that said though, there are signs to look for that might indicate that your husband no longer cares as much about you and the marriage.  I will discuss those below.

When You Compare His Past Behavior With His Current Behavior, There Is An Obvious And Troubling Difference: Sometimes when wives tell me their husband’s don’t care about them anymore, they admit that he has always shown very little emotion or affection from the beginning.  Some men just are not big on being demonstrative about how they feel. But other times, the husband’s behavior has changed very dramatically.  And this is when it’s easier to suspect that something is truly wrong.

If you’re dealing with a man who used to show you affection and be very involved in your day to day life and he’s suddenly very distant, cold, and just not interested in what is happening with you, then that’s a substantial red flag.  While it doesn’t always have to mean that he doesn’t care about you or the marriage anymore, it can mean that you need to investigate this much more.

Your Challenges And Concerns Are No Longer His Challenges And Concerns: When you love someone and are invested in your marriage, you can’t help feeling empathy with your spouse.  Even if you yourself are busy or are dealing with your own issues, your normal inclination is going to be to notice when your spouse is struggling or when something is “off” with them and then try to help or offer support.  And, it’s likely that you know them so well that knowing when something is wrong is second nature to you.

So if you’re husband isn’t noticing what is going on with you or doesn’t seem to care, it’s natural to ask yourself why.  Because a spouse who is emotionally connected and invested in his marriage is likely to become MORE involved when his spouse faces challenges rather than LESS involved.  So if he’s distancing himself from you or if your problems are suddenly “your problems” rather than “our problems” then this can be a tell tale sign that something is drastically wrong.

He’s Already Explored (Or Is Trying On) His Exit Plan: Usually the first thing that wives notice when their marriage is in trouble is their husband’s lack of presence and I mean this both literally and figuratively.  Not only will he not be around anymore, but when he is, he isn’t really there.  Now, there are times when a husband can’t help having to work late or to work extra hours.  Sometimes, he might have an issue or obligation with his extended family or others who might be close to him.  All of this is understandable.

But usually what you’ll see when your husband no longer cares about his marriage is that he really has no legitimate reason to be gone as much as he is and he also has no legitimate excuse for his emotional distance (although he may try to give you one.)  You may notice him trying on a new lifestyle or he may be making his friends his new extended family.

If My Husband No Longer Cares About Me, Does This Mean My Marriage Is Automatically Over?: Many times, when I discuss this topic with wives, they begin to panic as soon as they see that some of these signs apply to them.  They worry that as soon as their husband stops caring, then there is nothing that they can do to save the marriage.

This isn’t always the case.  Sometimes, a husband distances himself or checks out emotionally as the result of an unresolved issue in your marriage or an unresolved issue within him.  It’s sort of a defense mechanism or sometimes it is a reaction to frustration.  But, there are times that you can address and fix these issues and find that your husband will begin to act like he actually cares and is invested once again.  This is not at all uncommon.  Just one example is disgruntled spouses checking out of their marriage, cheating or doing something else that they regret, and then later realizing that they stupidly risked what was truly important to them because they saw things in the wrong way at the time.

The point is, people’s perceptions and feelings change as their situation changes.  So if your husband’s feelings (or lack of feelings) stem from a problem or situation, fixing the issues that exist will often address the feelings as well.

Unfortunately, I really didn’t understand this when my husband seemed to stop caring about me and my marriage and these mistakes almost meant the end of us as a couple.  I almost waited too long to change my actions when my husband had checked out of our marriage. So, I had a whole lot of catching up to do.  But I eventually changed the circumstances, which in turn changed his feelings.  If it helps, you can read about this transformation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

 

 

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Do Husbands Regret Leaving Their Wives?

By Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who hope that one day, their husband is going to regret leaving them.  Often, these same wives will tell their husbands that leaving is a mistake that he will one day regret.  And often either the husband doesn’t buy this for a second, or any doubts that he might have override his need to leave and just see what happens.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “my husband has decided that he will be happier as a single man without the day to day responsibilities of a wife and family.  I think he has this romanticized version of a weekend dad in his head.  I have repeatedly told him that he is making a huge mistake that he will one day regret but he doesn’t listen to me at all.  A mutual friend of ours thinks that I might be wrong.  She says that he might think that he’s enjoying the best of both worlds – the weekends with his kids but freedom and peace and quiet during the week.  I disagree because I can’t imagine just turning your back on your family and then being happy with yourself afterward.  So, who is right?  Do men regret leaving their wives?  Or do they walk away and never look back with any regret at all?”

The answer to these questions depends upon many variables.  But yes, some men do end up regretting leaving their wives once they’ve had some time apart and the opportunity to reflect.  Whether they feel any regret or not (and how deeply they feel it) often depends upon why they left in the first place, what happens after they left, and what type of person they are in the first place.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

The Reasons A Man Has For Leaving In The First Place Will Often Influence Whether He Eventually Regrets Having Left: Men who leave their wives for other women often end up feeling regret once they figure out that the other woman or the relationship turned out to be an eye opening disappointment.  The whole process and sense of discovery can take some time, but it’s very common that eventual regret sets in.

Many men feel regret after they figure out that they left a woman whom they misjudged.  Or, they might later decide that they acted too swiftly.  Sometimes, they later look back with some honesty and decide that they were immature and made their own mistakes and therefore it wasn’t fair for them to place the blame onto you.

I’ve even had men tell with (with a great deal of regret) that they made the biggest mistake of their lives by leaving the one person who loved them unconditionally and who understood them like no one else.  And sometimes, it is too late to fix this because that wonderful woman chose not to wait around forever and some other man was able to see very clearly what the husband missed all along.

Of course, while some husbands feel varying degrees of regret, some men do not.   Some men will tell you that escaping their marital prison was the best thing that they ever did.  They’ll tell you that they were dying inside every day that they were desperately unhappy within their marriage or living for someone else.  So, what is the difference between the husband who is filled with regret and the guy who feels none at all?  Some of it is the personality and makeup of the husband combined with the circumstance of future events that unfold.  And you can’t control this.  But a good deal of it is also made up of his future interactions with and perceptions of you, which you most certainly can control.

How To Act When You’re Trying To Make Your Husband Regret Leaving You: I often hear from wives who are hoping to make their husband feel some regret.  The first thing that you’ll need to understand is that you’ll often have better success with this process if you understand that it’s just going to take some time.  Feeling genuine regret often requires perspective.  And time is needed for genuine perspective.  There is just no way around that.

The next thing that you need to understand is that regret that is fueled by pity or guilt is often not all that genuine.  It’s often the kind of regret that makes him want to stay away rather than the kind that makes him want to come back.  So, while it may not be that difficult for you to make him feel guilt or pity, and then in turn feel some regret, this type isn’t the type that you want because it’s more likely to make him want to stay away, which is not your goal.

What you want instead is genuine regret that is born out of a realization that he was wrong.  He needs to believe that his doubts about you or the relationship were either misguided at the time or no longer exist today.   So how do you inspire this type of change?  You show him a self-respecting woman who is loving but self-sufficient.  You show him the genuine side of yourself who is easy to get along and collaborate with.  In other words, you don’t want him to see the married woman with whom he always fought or just couldn’t make it work with.

Instead, you want him to see the woman he courted and never wanted to be without.  I would understand if you had some doubt about this process.  After all, none of us have the ability to turn back the clock and pretend that our mistakes and misunderstandings never happened.  But, today is a new day.  You can either just accept those same mistakes and your new set of circumstances and start fresh, or you can try to pick up the pieces or rewrite the history of the past.  It’s my experience that you’ll often get better results by focusing on the present day positive because this allows your husband to willingly want to spend more time with you without worrying that you’re going to try to dredge up the past or point out his misgivings.  People just naturally are drawn to others who make them feel better about themselves and their own situations.

So while you don’t have to pretend that you are happy about the fact that he left you, acting on this unhappiness by trying to elicit negative feelings that fuel the regret will often just reinforce his decision to leave.  Instead, you want to give him positive memories and experiences which make him question his decision to leave.

There was a time when my husband seemed to feel no regret at all over leaving me.  I tried to inspire this regret by making him feel sorry for me, but I honestly think that my behavior made him feel relief instead.  I eventually, I decided to try a completely different approach, which worked.  If it helps, you can read more about the tactics that actually worked on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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My Husband Wants a Divorce. I’m Devastated. Is It Too Late to Change His Mind?

By Leslie Cane: One of the hardest things a woman can hear from her husband is: “I want a divorce.” And yet, frequently, I talk to women who are facing this exact heartbreak. Many husbands have proclaimed that they are done and they won’t talk to their wives. He won’t explain his reasoning, so they don’t know how to reach him. They want to know if there is anything they can do before it is too late – anything at all.

If you’re reading this and nodding, I want you to know: you are not alone. I’ve been where you are. And I’ve spoken with many women—and even men—who have walked this same unfortunate road. I’ve also seen marriages come back from the brink – including my own. But it usually doesn’t happen the way you think.

In fact, the more you try to push, plead, or pressure your husband into changing his mind, the more he may pull away. And I know that’s not what you want.

So, what does work? What can actually keep you from divorcing? Let’s have a look.

Why He’s Not Listening And Why Knowing The Answer Matters: Right now, your husband may seem like he’s emotionally unreachable. He’s distant. Maybe cold. Maybe even angry. And when you try to talk to him, it feels like talking to a wall. He’s just not responsive. He may even straight up ignore you.

This can make you feel like you have to say more, try harder, or become louder. Don’t. Don’t fall for this common trap. Here’s what I want you to know: often, he’s not ignoring you because he doesn’t care. He’s tuning out because he’s exhausted by what he expects you to say.

If past arguments or promises led to disappointment or no real change, then he’s bracing himself for more of the same. It’s a defense mechanism. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s completely checked out. It just means he doesn’t believe things can be different—yet. So you’re not going to give him more of the same. You are going to change it up.

The Counterintuitive Move That Can Begin To Break the Ice: This is the part that trips up a lot of wives: the very first step toward getting your husband to open up is not to try to change his mind. It’s to surprise him… by doing something different.

Agree with him. Not about the divorce—but about how bad things have gotten. About how unhappy he must be to even consider this. Tell him you understand. Tell him he deserves to feel happy. Not in a bitter or sarcastic way. Genuinely.

I know that sounds scary. You might worry, “If I agree with him, won’t that push him out the door faster?” But here’s the truth: when someone finally feels heard—really heard—they stop trying so hard to escape.

And this is when your words can start to reach him. This is when the tide starts to turn – ever so slightly. Hey, that’s a start.

What to Say (And What Not to Say) When He Finally Listens: Once the door cracks open, the next step is not to rush in with speeches or pressure. Instead, let him see something new in you. A softer, more grounded version of the woman he once fell in love with.

Tell him you’ve been reflecting. That you see how both of you lost your way. That you’re sorry for the pain that’s built up. That you aren’t here to beg or bargain—but that you do want peace, and maybe someday, hope.

You aren’t promising a perfect future. You’re simply inviting something gentler into the present. You’re ensuring him that he won’t see instability and drama from you.

Resist the Urge to Rush — Let Him Come Toward You Sometimes: This is the hardest part. Once he shows signs of warming up, the temptation to “make things right” quickly can be overwhelming. You miss him, after all. You want things to feel normal again.

But this is when it’s crucial to slow down. Don’t demand answers. Don’t try to recreate the past overnight. Let him set the pace. Focus on simple, light, and positive interactions. A smile. A shared moment of laughter. A memory that slips in naturally.

These small connections are not meaningless—they are the beginning of something new. Something healing. They are the start of things turning around. Do not underestimate their importance. Do not overlook them.

Over time, if he starts to remember why he once chose you—if he starts to feel heard and connected again—he will begin to reconsider what he thought was a final decision. Meaning, he will reconsider your divorce. And you will have saved your marriage – all by yourself, when you were the only one who wanted to.

I Know This, Because I Lived It: Years ago, I was the woman crying in the bathroom, wondering if my marriage could be saved. I tried all the wrong things first—crying, begging, arguing. Creating a lot of drama. My husband saw me coming and knew what he was getting. Not surprisingly, nothing worked… until I stopped pushing and started listening. And eventually, so did he.

Not only did we avoid divorce, we rebuilt a marriage that was stronger than before.

If you’re wondering whether there’s still time for you, my answer is yes—if you’re willing to shift your approach. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be patient, steady, and willing to lead with calm strength. But start now. Because time is wasting.

You can read more about what worked for me (and how it might work for you) at ISavedMyMarriage.com.

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Feeling Hopeless About Saving Your Marriage? Here’s How to Hang On When Giving Up Seems Easier

By: Leslie Cane:  If you’re reading this, I’m guessing you’re tired. Maybe even heartbroken about your marriage. And both of these things can give way to hopelessness. I get it.

When your marriage feels like it’s falling apart, walking away can seem so much easier and more logical than fighting for something that feels so broken. Especially if you have people (or yourself) telling you that you are a fool for hanging on. You might be wondering if it’s even worth it anymore.

You might be thinking, “I’m the only one trying.” Or worse: “It’s too late anyway.” “He’s already gone.”

But let me tell you something you might not believe right now: Hopeless doesn’t mean helpless. Hopelessness is a feeling. Helpless is a choice. Make the choice NOT to be helpless.

Your marriage is not over right now. You have not decided that it is. And you get to make that decision. If you haven’t, then it isn’t yet over — until you decide it is.

If even a tiny part of you still wants to save your marriage, then, by definition, there’s still hope. You just might need a different way of looking at it. You might need to approach this step by step. Here are some tips on how to start putting the pieces of your marriage back together — even when it feels impossible:

Shift from Distance And Fighting to Reconnect: It may not feel like it, but right now, it doesn’t matter one ounce who’s right or who’s wrong. It’s about reconnecting, rebuilding intimacy, rebuilding trust, and emotional safety — even if you’re the only one reaching out at first. And yes, I know full well that it can be humbling to be the one reaching out first. It feels vulnerable. It feels rotten. But if you want to save your marriage, you should do it anyway. It’s a small sacrifice with the possibility of a big reward.

And there are tiny, easy, baby-step ways to reconnect that give you a smaller chance of rejection. Small moments of connection like a kind tone, a smile, or a simple “thank you” can begin to soften the walls between you – just a bit. And sure, this is only step one, but you have to start somewhere.

2. Give Your Emotions (And Your Husband’s) A Little Space: One thing that makes this situation so difficult is that the situation can feel immediate. You don’t want a divorce. You don’t want a separation. You don’t want to lose the man you love. And you’re hurting. Your husband probably is too — even if he doesn’t show it.

But pushing harder right now can sometimes cause more damage.

Instead, allow space for both of you to breathe, think, and feel without more conflict piling up. Take some time to work on, pamper, and focus on yourself. I’m not going to fool you into calling this self-care, exactly, but there is nothing wrong if you go for that vibe. If you don’t take care of yourself, who will?

Focus On The Integrity And Beauty Of The Marriage Itself — Not Just Only On Its Flaws: It’s easy to think, “If everything would just change, we would be fine.” Or “if he could just see how much I’m trying…” But saving a marriage is rarely about “fixing” one thing or turning one corner. It’s about nurturing the relationship between you until it starts to shift One shift leads to another – which leads to another. Start asking: What does our marriage need right now? What would my husband notice and appreciate right now? What would he move toward instead of away from? — then give as much of that as you can.

Bring Back Small Pieces of What Used to Work: Remember what you used to laugh about? How you used to touch each other’s arms when you talked? How he leaned in when you told him something special to you? When you knew what he was thinking without your saying a word?

Look for tiny opportunities to bring these things back. Tiny reminders of your foundation can sometimes awaken feelings that seem buried.

But exhibit no pressure. No demands. Just little invitations back to what once connected you. Because if you pressure, he may well may away and then you’ll have to start all over. Remember that you are luring. Not forcing.

Only Attempt To Control What You Reasonably And Effortlessly Can: You can’t force your spouse to change. But you can control your own mindset, your words, your energy. You can control what strategies you use. Make sure you lead with integrity, love, dignity, and self-respect — and trust that those changes matter, even if results aren’t instant.

Accept baby steps. Know that this will be gradual. Keep the tone light. You CAN control all of these things, but you can’t control how he reacts to them. If you don’t get the desired response at first, keep going toward what HAS been working (even if it’s only a small thing or things.) It’s okay. You are building.

Know It’s A Process: Saving a marriage isn’t about finding the perfect solution in one big, dramatic moment. It’s about choosing — day by day, sometimes hour by hour — to believe in the possibility of fixing this thing and using your knowledge of your husband – and your marriage – to display those things you ALREADY KNOW he will respond to.

Know That It’s Up To You To Stay The Course: I would never tell you this is easy. It often isn’t. But if you still want this, stay in the game. Don’t let anyone throw you off it. If you still have a tiny ember of hope left, protect it. Nurture it. Act from it. You never know how much light even one small spark can bring back.

This pep talk comes from my own experience. If I had listened to naysayers and my own doubts, I wouldn’t be married today. At one time, my husband made it very clear that he was done with me and my marriage, but I did not give up. You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com.

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How to Save Your Marriage When You’re the Only One Trying (Without Losing Yourself And Your Self Respect)

By Leslie Cane: If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you feel like you’re carrying your whole marriage on your back right now. And let me just say — I am sorry. I know how heavy and lonely that can feel. But I also know that you can turn this thing around if you play your cards right.

You’re probably doing everything you know how to do — giving more, being more patient, trying to “be the bigger person” — while it feels like your spouse has just checked out on you. You might be wondering if they even care anymore. Or if you’re crazy for still hoping that deep down, they actually do.

All of this wondering and walking on eggshells is exhausting and confusing And honestly? It can start to make you feel like you’re losing little pieces of yourself along the way. You start to question yourself. You start to feel “less than” or even incompetent.

But here’s the thing: You can absolutely try to save your marriage without losing who you are.
It just takes a different kind of strength — the quiet, steady kind that doesn’t come from chasing or forcing, but from staying rooted in yourself and staying with a consistent strategy.

Let’s talk about how to do that.

“Not Trying” Doesn’t Always Mean Your Husband Doesn’t Care Anymore: When you’re the one fighting and your spouse seems distant, it’s so easy to think, “They don’t even want this anymore. Why am I even bothering?”

But honestly?

A lot of husbands who seem like they’ve “given up” are actually just stuck. They’re overwhelmed, scared, ashamed, or just tired — and they don’t know how to show up in a way that feels safe – without feeling uncomfortable vulnerable.

Their distance doesn’t always mean they don’t love you. Sometimes it just means they don’t know how to fix what’s broken —  so they’re scared to even try. They’d rather not step up to the plate than strike out.

It’s not fair. But understanding his mindset can take a little bit of the sting out of this silence. It can remind you that all hope isn’t necessarily lost — even if it feels that way right now.

Know What Pushes Him Away: Here’s something I wish someone had told me:
You can’t carry two people’s worth of effort forever. And trying harder and harder — chasing, fixing, smoothing everything over — usually doesn’t pull your spouse back. It often pushes them farther away. The harder you push, the more pressure they feel. The more pressure they feel, the more likely they are to shut down even more.

I know it’s terrifying to stop pushing when you’re afraid the whole thing will fall apart. But sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is to just pause and wait. Watch and wait.  Create space where both of you can breathe a bit.
Say with your actions, “I’m here. I’m willing. But I’m not going to lose myself trying to convince you.”

That quiet steadiness? It’s way more powerful than pushing ever could be.

Set Some Boundaries To Safeguard Your Own Well-Being And Come From A Place Of Strength, Which He’s More Likely To Respect: Saving your marriage shouldn’t mean sacrificing your self-respect or your emotional health. (And yet, when you’re scared and hurting, it’s so easy to do.) Do not ignore your own needs, put up with disrespect when you know you shouldn’t, agree to things you know are wrong, degrade yourself trying to please, or pretend to be someone you aren’t.

Because here’s the truth: The best version of you — the one your marriage most needs right now — is the one who knows her worth. Not the one who begs or pleads or pretends everything’s fine when it’s not.

You can say, kindly but firmly: “I’m willing to work on this. But I also need honesty. I need respect. I need basic kindness.”

You’re not being difficult. You’re not being selfish. You’re setting the foundation for real healing — if your spouse is willing to meet you there.

And frankly, this confident, strong is person is probably much close to the woman he first fell in love with. And that’s a good thing.

Focus on What You Can Control.  Stand Strong And He’s More Likely To Notice What He Stands To Lose: This part is hard. It’s quite a bit of me to ask of you. Because of course you want your spouse to wake up, come back, fight for you, love you the way you need. Of course you do.

But the only part you can truly control is you. Your words. Your actions. Your emotional health.
That’s it. You can’t drag your husband to the finish line. You can’t trick or force him there. You can only stand steady and invite him to walk there with you.

When you stop chasing, when you start focusing on your own healing, something subtle but powerful shifts.
You stop handing him all the power over your happiness. And ironically, that’s often he  finally starts noticing what he’s about to lose.

Pay Attention To What You Really Need. Self Respect And Self Care Are Attractive: There’s a difference between being patient and slowly breaking yourself apart inside. If you find yourself feeling smaller, sadder, and lonelier by the day, it might be time to think about what you need — not just what the marriage needs. Self-respect is attractive. You deserve love that loves you back. You deserve to feel proud of how you showed up, whether the marriage heals or not. When you project that, he is more likely to pay attention.

If you’re the only one trying right now, I hope you hear this. You are incredibly strong. You are not crazy for hoping. You are not weak for wanting to fight for what matters. But you matter too. Your needs, wants, and wishes matter.  Fight for your marriage – with patience, not panic. Fight with strength, not self-sacrifice.

Give Yourself Credit: No matter what happens — you will come through this with your heart still intact. Because you didn’t give up on love. And you didn’t give up on yourself.

I know that I am asking much of you because I had to use these strategies myself – to save my own marriage when I was the only one who wanted to. It wasn’t easy. I doubted myself often. Sometimes I straight up failed. But I did it. I share how on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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