My Husband Is So Critical Of Me That It’s Destroying Our Marriage: How To Handle This

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who feel constantly criticized and berated by their husbands. Many tell me that this behavior is nearly constant and shows no signs of letting up. One wife recently told me, in part: “my husband is constantly criticizing me. He complains about my weight, my appearance, my intelligence, my parenting, my family, how I handle my job, my sexual skills, and a slew of other things. Sometimes, he does this in a very passive aggressive way. He won’t come out and call me stupid, lazy, or inadequate, but he sure does imply it. He hardly ever compliments me or has anything nice to say where I’m concerned. I’m so tired of this. It’s really affecting my marriage because I almost can’t stand to be around him anymore and I always feel defensive because I always feel attacked. I never want to have sex with him as the result of this. And then of course, then he’s critical of our sex life. What can I do?”

I will share some of the tips and suggestions that I gave to this wife in the following article.

Don’t Let The Criticism Go Without A Response. Don’t Ignore It, But Acknowledge It In A Thoughtful Way: The wife had taken to ignoring her husband’s remarks or saying something just as cutting right back. The reason was that no matter what she did or did, the criticism never stopped. Because of this, she had just sort of given up and harbored resentment.

But, if you don’t confront this issue, the criticism is only going to continue. And the wife admitted that ignoring her husband often made him more angry and even more critical. He wasn’t getting the response he wanted so he felt the need to ramp up his attempts to get a rise out of her.

I suggested that the next time the husband began his critical comments, the wife might calmly say something thing like: “Listen, we need to talk about something. When you talk to me with this tone, it really hurts me. It makes me feel badly about myself and it makes me feel defensive and badly toward you. This doesn’t do anything to help us or to improve what you are complaining about at the time. Can we talk about why you’re attacking me this way? If there’s something that you’re not happy about, then I’m certainly willing to discuss it with you, but I can’t sit here and allow you to talk to me that way. I can’t let this continue to happen. I’ll always be willing to have a conversation about how we both might be happier in our marriage, but I can’t tolerate the personal attacks. I’m going to cool off for a while, but after we’ve both calmed down, let’s talk about this. I think we will both get a better response if we focus on the positive rather than the negative.”

In my opinion and experience, trying to call him on the criticism in a constructive way is better than ignoring it and allowing it to continue. Nothing gets resolved this way and the resentment and anger build. It’s always better to attempt to change something for the positive than to remain silent while continuing to be unhappy or hurt. Now, if the criticism gives rise to physical harm, then that is an entirely different story.

Try To Determine The REAL Source Of His Criticism. Why Is He Using Negative Comments To Get Your Attention?: Please understand that by my asking you this question, in no way am I implying that any of this is your fault. It most certainly isn’t. But it can be to your benefit to dig a little deeper here. Because often, his nasty comments aren’t directly reflective of what he’s criticizing you about. In other words, sometimes the comments don’t have ANYTHING to do with you at all.

Sometimes, he keeps repeating the same words, comments, and behaviors because he is still trying to get some reaction or change that he has been able to accomplish in any other way. Other times, his words have more to do with his own insecurities and unhappiness than they have to do with you. It’s also possible that he has seen his family relate to one another in a similar way and he’s acting on the examples that he has seen. Finally, many men react to stress by lashing out at the people closest to them. I’m not saying it’s right, but it’s common.

Whatever the reason, if you can see past his words and figure out what he is really trying to accomplish, you can sometimes change or even break the cycle. For example, some men in this situation will tell me that the only way they know to get a rise out of their wife and get her attention is to say something that stops her in her tracks. In his mind, he’s trying to get her to pay attention to him, but he doesn’t know how, so he will resort to whatever he knows works. This isn’t an excuse for his behavior, but this is sometimes part of his thought process.

That’s why it can really help to determine why he feels the need to resort the negative to get a reaction. That way, you can attempt to change things so that the comments are no longer necessary. This doesn’t mean you have to cater to him when he’s being a jerk, but digging a little deeper will sometimes mean you won’t have to deal with this anymore.

If You Can, Try To Eventually Use This As An Opening Toward Improved Communication Rather Than As A Catalyst For The Deterioration Of Your Marriage: I was concerned for this wife because it was clear that she was really at the end of her rope. She was ready to check out of the marriage because she was tired of constantly dealing with nasty attacks on her character. I hope that before she gave up, she would at least try to address this very directly with her husband, try to see what was behind his behavior, and then try to rebuild their communication style into something that was much healthier.

Because responding to his negativity in kind was only going to make things worse and make them feel further alienated from one another which was likely to make the communications worse. By no means do I think that anyone should stay in a hurtful marriage, but I have seen many situations such as this one turn around with a little care, a little digging, and improved communication.

When my husband and I were on the verge of divorce, we took to attacking and criticizing each other constantly. This only deteriorated things further and made us both more unhappy. It wasn’t until we focused on changing our marriage that our communication improved and the critical comments stopped. Today, we would never think of speaking to each other in that critical way again. If it helps, you can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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How Can I Save My Marriage When My Husband Has Checked Out Of It?

By: Leslie Cane: I hear from many wives who are certain that their husband has checked out of the marriage. Sometimes, he says as much. He literally tells her that he’s done with the marriage and wants out of it. Other times, it is his behavior that does the talking for him. 

Most of these wives do not want to end their marriages. Unlike their husbands, they are still invested. But they feel somewhat hopeless about their options. After all, your husband is very clearly speaking with his words or his actions and telling you that it’s over. So what recourse do you have? I’d argue that you still have some options, which I’ll discuss below. 

But first, here’s the type of comments you’ll generally hear from wives. “Last night, my husband sat me down and told me that he’d checked out of our marriage. He was very clear about it. There was no ambiguity. He seemed to be choosing his words very carefully so that I’d have no false hope. He said that I’m a loving person who has done nothing wrong, but that our marriage just doesn’t work for him anymore so he wants to end it. He didn’t get into specifics about a divorce, but he did say he’ll be looking for places to live while we figure all of this out. He didn’t give a time frame. And he did not seem to be angry. But it seems very obvious that he intends to be finished with me and our marriage. And this is the worst news that I could hear because I want to save my marriage. Is there any hope at all?”

I believe that there is always hope. My situation looked very hopeless at times, and yet I am still married today. I’ll tell you why below. 

As Unfair As It May Be, His Checking Out Is Often A Consequence Of Unmet Expectations: I understand that every husband and every marriage is different. I get that there are many reasons that a man will check out of his marriage. Many of these reasons are unfair. And many have nothing to do with the wife. But there is often a common denominator of unmet expectations. 

Sometimes, a husband is projecting his frustrations in other areas of his life onto your marriage which is particularly maddening. Another unfair possibility is that he’s in a phase in his life where he’s decided to take stock of all that he has accomplished and compare this with his expectations from when he was younger. He’ll then conclude that he went wrong somewhere along the way since his accomplishments don’t match up with his dreams and goals. 

To that end, he begins to compare your marriage to the expectations he had when you were dating. He’ll remember when you hung on his every word and lived to make him happy. Then he’ll note how busy and scattered you both might be today. As unfair as it is, he may deem your marriage as a disappointment because of this, when in reality this is something that many marriages deal with (and many overcome.) 

See The Opportunity, Not The Loss: I know that you are going through a very hurtful time and that you feel rejected. But where you place your focus is vitally important right now. Try not to focus so much on the possibility of loss and focus more on what you might gain. Try to be as objective as you can when answering this question: Don’t you also miss the closeness and intimacy you used to share? Don’t you miss the laughs, the inside jokes, and knowing smiles? What if this blip is actually an opportunity to get those things back?

I know you are probably thinking, “Of course I miss those things. But I am not the one who wants out of our marriage. Why is it my responsibility to get these things back, when he’s the one who wants to leave?” 

It is both of your responsibilities. But right now, you are the one who is most invested in saving your marriage. So you are up to bat.  

And you can get a base hit by showing him that small changes are not only possible, but are the first steps in turning this thing around. 

What if, without his having to lift a finger, there is suddenly an improvement in your situation? Might that begin to change his perceptions and preconceived notions? Sure, this has to be a gradual process. And yes, you may have to move slowly. But so what if you can actually turn this around?  

Understand That You Want His Thinking To Return, Even Casually, To “We:” It’s important to understand that when a person wants out of the marriage, he no longer sees himself as a vital part of that same marriage. At some point, he decided that the payoff of being part of a united team was no longer an incentive for him. He went from being part of “we” to being part of “me.” 

You’ll have to eventually change these perceptions. One way to start is to demonstrate that you are working WITH him rather than against him. Yes, perhaps your marriage is changing, but you still want the relationship to be a loving one. This gives you a foundation on which you can later build. And this makes it possible for him to not need or want to push you away so that you can maintain at least some form of a relationship. This will make your job easier moving forward. 

Capturing The Right Kind Of Attention At The Right Time: I completely understand why you believe you have to get your husband’s attention by any means possible right now. You are right. You DO need it. You can’t change your husband’s perceptions without getting his attention in some way. But you should never stoop to negative strategies. Most of us will gravitate toward whatever will give us the quickest and surest response. We’ll argue with low blows. We’ll grovel and beg. We’ll point out his utter selfishness or the folly in his thinking. 

Sure, you’re getting attention this way. But I can assure you that it’s likely the wrong kind. You may only be speeding up the process of him wanting to make a quick exit.  

You need his positive attention, even if it takes a little longer to be successful. Conduct yourself in a way that you can be proud of. Never give him a reason to be critical or avoid you. Consider conceding his right to be happy and know that, although you want him to be happy with you, the only thing without your control right now is yourself. Make sure he knows that you’re not going to engage in negative behavior. 

Sometimes, you just have to leave it at that and go about your own business with positivity and work on your own ability to be happy. Paint a smile on your face and work on yourself. 

Try to look and feel your best and know that if you can genuinely live your best life, it may begin to generate some curiosity and interest from your husband. And THIS is when his perception will start to change. 

When it does, don’t move too quickly. Don’t push or overreact. Let him think he’s coming to his own conclusions in his own time. Let him come to you. Nudge him to believe that he is better off with you than without you. Use your knowledge of the woman he loves to connect in a positive and intimate way. You know this woman very well. She’s the best version of you! You used to see her every day when you looked in the mirror. Now, you have to bring her back.  

I had to channel this woman to save my own marriage. But for the longest time, this seemed like an impossible task. My husband wanted out, so the end of our marriage seemed imminent. Thankfully, I’m very stubborn and I didn’t give up. I eventually found a very methodical, positive approach that worked.  You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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What Must I Do To Make My Husband Come Back Home?

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are so frustrated that they are not being successful in getting their separated husband to come back home.  Often, they think that they have tried everything and, so far, nothing has enticed him to come back.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband left our home four months ago.  We had been fighting about my career.  I’ve had to do a lot of traveling lately and this left him watching the kids which stresses him out.  It took a huge toll on my marriage.   Rather than discussing it with me or trying to work out our problems, my husband got to a point where he couldn’t take it anymore and abruptly told me that he couldn’t continue to live this way so he left.    Since that time, I have offered up many compromises. I told him that I would prioritize our marriage and that I would find another job.   I found a counselor for us.  In short, I’ve been willing to make all of the compromises and my husband still says he’s not sure that he’s ready to come home.  I try very hard to be patient but I’m getting very frustrated.  My kids miss their dad.  I’ve offered to change everything about our marriage that he doesn’t like.  So why won’t he come back home?  What do I have to do to get him to pack his bags and come back to us?”

Obviously I had no way to know what this particular husband was thinking.  But I do hear from a lot of separated husbands and I believe that I have some insights into what many of them are thinking.  I also believe that I have a good handle on what it takes for many of them to decide to come home.  I will share this with you in the following article.

Often, Husbands Want To Believe That There Is Significant And Lasting Change Because  They Do Not Want To Have To Move Out Twice:   Many husband hesitate to move back in because they aren’t sure if things have really changed.  Many of them suspect that their wife is only saying that change has taken place in order to lure him back home.  The fear is that once he comes home, you will eventually revert back to your old ways.

Another possibility in the above scenario is that the wife might have misunderstood what the major problems truly were.  She assumed that her husband had left because of her job.  However, even after she offered to leave that same job, he was reluctant to come back home.  This could be an indication that there were other issues that were bothering the husband more than the job issue.   I would suspect that as the result of the wife’s travel, the husband felt neglected, taken advantage of, and disrespected.   The wife hadn’t done much to address these things.  And until the husband felt like he was an equal partner in the marriage and that he was valued and appreciated, he might still have doubts about coming back home.

It’s not always clear what all of the underlying issues truly are. Often, the wife thinks that she’s addressing the issues when there may be others that she is not aware of.  Often, there are underlying issues of intimacy, trust, respect, and chemistry that might be important to the husband but aren’t fully explored by the wife.

That’s why it’s so very important that you try to uncover every issue that your husband might be grappling with.  If you don’t have a good handle on this, you can attempt to ask your husband what might be contributing to his reluctance to come home.  A suggested conversation might sound something like: “I want you to come home when you are comfortable doing so because I want us to be successful once you do return to us.  Clearly, you’re not comfortable yet and I respect that.  Could you share with me the concerns that you have right now so that I can try to address them?  My goal is for us to address all the problems or issues that stand between us so that we are both happy and fulfilled.  We both deserve that and so do our children.  I promise to listen and not argue.  I truly want to know and understand how you feel.”

Hopefully a dialogue like this will get him to open up to you and will help to shed some light on what might be contributing to his hesitation to come home, which leads me to one more point.

He Must Believe That He Will Be Happier If He Comes Back Home Than If He Stays Put: The bottom line is this.  One thing that you must do to make your husband come back home is to make him believe that he will happier if he does so.  When he hesitates, it’s usually because he has some serious and nagging doubts about this.  And frankly, the harder you lean on or push him, the worse this can get.  Sometimes, it is better to back up and just focus on maintaining positive interactions between you. If you make your goal to just be happy together whenever you can make this happen, you will usually find that he will come to learn that he is happier when he is with you than when he is not.  And once this happens, he will often logically want to come home because he wants to be where he is the most content.

The first step in making this happen is to make it so that he is happy when he is around you so that he wants to be around you often.  Then, you want to make sure that you’ve identified and addressed all of the doubts or concerns he has about coming back home.  Once you do these things, he will feel more comfortable in coming home because his mind and his heart are no longer dealing with any doubts.

When my husband left me, his mind was made up. He was going forward with moving out and, I believe that he truly wanted a divorce. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband’s love, but to get him home in order to save our marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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How Do I Ask My Separated Spouse Not To Date?

By: Leslie Cane: There are many reasons for wives to fear what a separation might bring. You worry that you’ll drift further and further apart. You may worry about the impact on your children. But few worries rate as highly as your spouse dating someone else.

Many wives intuitively know that there are plenty of pitfalls that you’ll have to navigate to save your marriage during a separation. But a husband who has fallen for someone else has got to be one of the scariest.

A wife might say, “I am devastated to admit that my husband moved out this past weekend. He wants a trial separation because he doesn’t think that we are happy. He’s really speaking for himself because, although our marriage isn’t perfect and has plenty of issues, I don’t want to end it. I’m scared of many things right now, but my biggest fear is my husband dating someone else. Women love my husband. I do believe that he has always been faithful to me. But I also suspect that he’s likely been both approached and tempted. What is to keep him from starting another relationship if we are separated? What if an opportunity comes up, and he decides to embrace it? What if he becomes infatuated with the new woman? How could I ever save my marriage under these circumstances? I want to ask him not to date other people, but I feel like I am not in a position to make demands right now. He’s not very happy with me, so he’s not at all agreeable to anything that I say. How do I ask him not to date during the separation and have him actually agree?”

First of all, I completely agree with you that having your spouse date others while you’re on a break or separation is potentially disastrous. In fact, it’s one of the most common issues that I see actually impede reconciliation. It gives separated couples just one more troublesome issue with which to deal. And, it makes one spouse suspect the worst of the other at a time when trust and cooperation are most important. So I completely concede that it’s beneficial to agree on this topic BEFORE he may have the opportunity to experience it.

Try To Make Dating Part Of A Larger Set Of Agreements: You may be right to suspect that this issue could be an awkward one that invites conflict. So, I’d suggest bundling it into one discussion about agreeing to some guidelines for how the separation will work. The separation will go much more smoothly if you both know what to expect.

I always suggest that couples sit down and hash out: how and when you’ll communicate; how you’ll divide necessary tasks; how you will handle the kids and/or extended family; how you’ll handle finances; when you’ll see one another; and how you will tackle any issues that surface. It makes sense to have the dating conversation when you are already talking about these issues.

A Possible Conversation: You want to be careful not to sound accusatory. You want to stress that you’re already assuming that he’s going to do the right thing so that he’s not immediately on the offensive. So you could try something like, “Maybe this goes without saying, but I just want to clarify that I don’t intend to date other people, and I hope that you agree. I know that we are separated. But in my mind, we are still very much married. And I am hopeful that we eventually stay that way. I feel that putting other people into the mix would only make a stressful and difficult situation worse. Can we agree that we won’t date other people?”

If he readily agrees, great. If he doesn’t, try to get him to agree to a set time period to give the separation a chance to work before he adds one more stressor. Try “how about we agree to wait for two months before we consider dating other people? If things don’t look different in a couple of months, we can discuss it then. Does that work?”

It is important that approach this with a spirit of cooperation because if he feels shamed or preached to, he’s just going to agree to your terms and then potentially see other people behind your back.

Maintaining A Frequent, Playful, Positive Rapport Makes Dating Others Less Likely: You want to create a situation where your spouse doesn’t have an incentive to sneak around or keep things from you. The best way to accomplish this is to make progress. If you are constantly in playful and effective contact, he would have no incentive to want to pursue another relationship, since yours is actually progressing and improving.

I know that this is a tall order when you are just beginning your separation. But do the best you can to maintain positivity and closeness. If he still feels connected to you, even with your difficulties and differences, then he will be more likely to want to see the separation through before he begins a new relationship.

For your part, you want to give him no reason to think that you’re not keeping your end of the bargain. I found that it was actually helpful to go out with girlfriends and family during my separation. But I made it very clear that I wasn’t going to date other people or put myself in a situation where I’d even be tempted.

I wasn’t going to give my husband an excuse to do the same. Thankfully, this didn’t become an issue for us (although we had many others.) But I’ve seen it become an issue for many couples. That is why it’s so important to try to maintain a positive relationship, even if it doesn’t look like the marriage you had a few months ago. Give it time. Be patient. And always try to remain positive and reasonably in touch so that he remembers that he is still very married.

I know that separations are difficult.  Mine was one of the most difficult times of my life.  But I saved my marriage eventually after many mistakes which could have been avoided.  You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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My Husband Wants To Come Back After The Separation. What Now?

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives aren’t sure what to do when their separated husband announces that he is now ready to come home. Some wives are overjoyed at this news and some are not sure how they feel.  And feelings that change from one day to the next. On the one hand, they do want their husband to come home and work on or save their marriage. But on the other, they worry if anything has really changed so that saving the marriage is actually going to be possible.

An example of this type of worry is: “when my husband approached me about a separation, I fought him hard on it. I wanted to go to counseling and save our marriage and I didn’t understand why he had to move out for all of these things to happen. But he moved out anyway. And this was devastating for me. But I have coped and I’m doing OK. We never did counseling and not a lot has changed. But when we saw each other during the separation, it was clear that we missed each other and that there was still some love there. Then last week, out of the blue, he called me and told me that he was ready to come home. I asked why he made this decision and his answer was ‘it’s time.’ I’m very conflicted about this. On the one hand, I want my husband home. But on the other hand, we haven’t changed or addressed anything. Nothing has changed. And I worry that he is only coming home because he’s lonely or bored. Plus I’m a little resentful that I begged him not to go in the first place and here he is getting to make all the decisions and dictate how things are going to go once again. I feel as if I am at the mercy of his decisions. He wanted to move out and I had no choice to go along. And now he wants to move back and I’m just supposed to roll it. What now? I am just unsure as to what happens when he comes home and how I’m supposed to react.”

One can understand how this wife felt. She wondered if she was just getting pulled around by the whims of her husband. And she wondered if their marriage even stood a chance when nothing had really changed. She didn’t know what type of outcome to expect. She wanted to have a good attitude, but she didn’t want to get her hopes up only to have them slashed when her husband’s next move was a divorce because he could then say that he came home and tried to make it work but was unsuccessful. The thing is, the wife had no way to know what was actually going to happen. She was assuming that she was going to have a difficult road or a bad result, but who was to say that was true? Many marriages recover quite well when a spouse moves back after a separation. Below, I will offer some tips to help make the transition a little easier and the outcome a little better.

If You’re Not Sure How You’re Supposed To React Or How You Really Feel About Him Coming Home After The Separation, Make It Clear That You Want To Move Slowly: The wife feared that the husband expected her to fall back into his arms and act as if the separation never happened. She wasn’t sure if this was realistic or even fair.

Nothing said that she could not gently set boundaries. And I always feel that it’s best to share your feelings rather than allowing them to fester or potentially become a problem. She might tell her husband that although she was very happy that he wanted to come home, she was afraid that they were going to struggle if they didn’t set get some help or ease into the new living arrangements. She might suggest that they set an upcoming date for him to move home and ask that they get some counseling prior to that date. That way, she would feel more secure in hoping for the outcome that she really wanted – which was to save her marriage. And, she could get her feelings and her fears out on the table so that they wouldn’t come back to bite, haunt, or damage their marriage in the future.

Know That Your Husband Coming Back After The Separation Truly Can Be A New Beginning: I think that this wife had built a wall around herself to keep herself from becoming hurt again. She had become so devastated when her husband moved out. And, she wanted to avoid repeating the pain, so she refused to have any faith in the outcome. The problem with this is that in order to truly save your marriage after a separation, it helps greatly for both of you to work equally as hard and to hold nothing back. When you place a wall around yourself so that you don’t get hurt, you run the risk of that same wall keeping you from feeling the love that you really want. This isn’t the best way to start the recovery process.

I know that it’s scary to go all in. But it’s the only way to know that you gave it your all. Not only does this give you the best chance of a happy and lasting marriage after the separation, but it gives you the peace of mind to know that if you just can’t make it, that you did everything you could and that you can have full closure. Besides, let’s not go to dark places. There is every chance that your husband has done some soul searching and is 100 percent sincere. Get the help that you need, follow your heart, and expect nothing but the very best.

When my husband moved back in after our separation, I was elated. But I also knew that we had to find some resources to help us if we were going to make it for the long term and have a happy marriage. And this is what I did. Eventually, my husband got with the program. If it helps, you can read that very emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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How To Start Over In A Marriage: Tips On Beginning Again

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who tell me that they want to “start over” in their marriage.  Often, the marriage is in real trouble and multiple attempts to save it or improve it have failed.  So rather than continue on with what hasn’t been working, the spouses hope that it’s preferable to just wipe the slate clean and begin again.

I recently heard from a wife, who said, in part: “about seven weeks ago, my husband filed for divorce.  We’d been at each other’s throats for months and he said he was tired of  ‘all the negativity’ in our marriage and just wanted it to end. I really didn’t want a divorce but I couldn’t argue that all we did was fight and it wasn’t a pleasant experience for either of us.  Our kids didn’t handle it very well though.  They made it clear that they thought the divorce was nearly the worst thing that ever happened to them.  This really affected my husband because our kids are his number one priority in life.  So, last week, he knocked on my door and said that he’d been thinking about it and decided that we should ‘start over in our marriage’ and try to forget all the nasty things that we have said and done to one another over the past couple of years for the sake of our kids.  I’m willing to try, but part of me doesn’t think that any of this is all that realistic.  How am I just supposed to forget about the past? And I’m supposed to believe that just because he wants to begin again all of our problems are just supposed to magically disappear?”

I’ll try to discuss these concerns in the following article. But before I tell you what starting over in your marriage truly means, I’d like to discuss what it doesn’t mean first.

Starting Over In Your Marriage Doesn’t Mean Forgetting The Past, But It Can’t Mean Not Continuing To Dwell On It: Sometime people seem to think that starting over implies exactly that – wiping the slate clean and completely forgetting and ignoring the past.  Unfortunately, this interpretation sometimes sets those same folks up for failure because this notion just isn’t realistic.  It’s impossible for most people to just erase their memories and feelings even though they may desperately want to save their marriage.  Months and years of negative memories aren’t just wiped from your consciousness.

With that said, we can make a conscious effort not to dwell on them and to move forward despite them.  To me, starting over in your marriage is making the commitment that moving forward and saving your marriage is more important to you than dwelling on the mistakes or negative issues within it that are now in the past.  It’s saying that you’re going to put the blame, the anger, and the resentment on the back burner so that you can eventually eliminate or lessen it in order for your marriage to survive.  It doesn’t mean forgetting and forgiving since truly forgetting isn’t possible.  But it can mean forgiving and changing your focus.

Starting Over In Your Marriage Doesn’t Mean Erasing Your Positive History Or The Mutual Things That You’ve Shared: Many people think that they want to “start over” in their marriage but they never consider that this might imply leaving the good behind as well as the bad.  One very special thing about being committed and married to someone else is that you have that rich, shared history that you don’t share with any one else.

This can be the one of the things that draws you together and it just doesn’t make sense to want to sacrifice or negate this.  People will often tell me that they want to hang onto the good memories, experiences, and things about their marriage and let go of the bad.  Although this can be a very attractive and tempting thought, it’s not completely realistic either.  And frankly, it’s the totality of your marriage that makes it what it is – and that includes the good with the bad. However, you can commit to learn from the negative so that something good comes out of the bad.

Starting Over In Your Marriage Really Means Seeing Your Spouse (And Your Situation) With Fresh, Appreciative, And Open Eyes While You Experience Rediscovery: To me, what “starting over” in your marriage should really mean is being willing to see each other and the marriage with an open rather than a closed mind.  It means setting things up and laying the foundation to rediscover what brought you together and made you fall in love in the first place.

It means trying to open your eyes and your heart to the person that you promised to love through thick and thin. It means putting all of the anger, fear, and negativity on the back burner while you place your focus on the positive and wonderful things that inspired your marriage in the first place.  Sometimes, when I explain this people tell me that this is not realistic or that asking someone to do this is like asking them to be in denial.

I don’t agree.  It really is just a shift in your focus.  And it’s agreeing to use the tools available to you to begin the healing process rather than continuing to engage in a process that has been tearing your marriage down.  It doesn’t require you to ignore or deny your problems, but it does encourage you to shift your focus from one that is holding onto those same problems before you can heal them.

The whole idea is to rebuild the connection, the intimacy, and the bond that initially drew you together.  Because once this happens and you feel as if you’re on the same side of the fight, then the rest falls into place without nearly as much effort.  It just makes the process easier and much more likely to be successful. Rather than seeing your spouse as your adversary who doesn’t understand you or who is trying to keep you from getting what you want, you see them as your partner who is working with you to help you both get what you want.

So, you are much more willing to make the concessions and the efforts that are going to ensure that you save that marriage because you now remember what you loved about this person and this marriage in the first place.

When I urged my husband to “start over in our marriage,” I didn’t completely understand what this meant and that attempt failed miserably.  It wasn’t until I fully understood the principles outlined above that I was able to really make any lasting and meaningful change.  And these changes made it possible for us to rediscover one another again so that we could eventually save our marriage. If it helps, you can read more about that rediscovery process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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My Husband Says He’s Tired Of Me. What Can I Do?

By Leslie Cane:  I recently heard from a wife whose husband had been repeatedly telling her that he was tired of her.  Every time a topic that came up that the husband didn’t like (or he was uncomfortable with,) he would sigh and say something like “I’m getting so tired of you always trying to bring me down, always nagging me, and always wanting something from me.  It’s to the point where I’d rather be away from you than with you.  I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to want to stay in this marriage if things remain the way that they are.”

The wife had very mixed feelings about this.  Naturally, she felt defensive.   It wasn’t all that pleasant to hear her spouse say that he was tired of her.  And, frankly, the wife was tired of some of the husband’s behaviors, but she wasn’t going to go around telling him this or complaining about it.   And she didn’t feel that her behaviors were all that out of line.  But, she certainly didn’t want to lose her marriage.  She felt like she needed to do something or respond in some positive way before things got out of hand.  She asked me, in part: “how are you supposed to respond when your husband says he’s tired of you?  How do you not take offense to that?  I’m tired of some of the things that he does too, but I’m not ready to just give up on my marriage. What are my options?”

I will share some of the insights that I gave the wife in the following article.

Sometimes When Your Husband Says He’s Tired Of You, He’s Projecting His Weariness About Other Things: Many wives in this situation intuitively know that their husband’s being “tired” of them isn’t entirely fair.  Often, they can easily look around and see other stressors in his life that are weighing on him.  And, it’s usually no coincidence that his more direct criticism comes after he’s had an issue with those same stressors.  For example, this wife noticed that if her husband had a bad day or lost money at his job, he would be much more quick with all of his “I’m tired of this” talk.  The wife was pretty sure that what he was really tired of was his job, although she couldn’t make him see this.  In fact, the more she brought this up,  the more he seemed annoyed and critical.

Although projection is very common, most people aren’t going to recognize or admit this about themselves, especially if they are still right in the middle of (and therefore are too close to) the situation that is causing the projection in the first place.   It’s not likely that your husband is going to nod, tell you that you are right, and then just stop his hurtful words and accusations.  Instead, you will usually need to make at least a few changes, bring about some improvements, and then allow him to see this on his own later when hindsight is possible.  Now, onto the things that you can do right now to address this.

Even Though Your Husband May Well Be Out Of Line To Tell You That He’s Tired Of You, See If There’s Any Validity Behind His Words: I understand that your husband’s words may well be not hitting home because they are so out of line.  It’s very easy to become defensive and to just tune him out.  But, if you really want to turn this situation around and not only save your marriage but make it better, you will likely need to make some positive changes.  And his words can give you some clues toward these positive changes.

So, to the extent that you can, it can really help to try to objectively look at what he’s saying and see if there are any directives that you can use to improve your situation.  In this particular example, the husband was very angry because he felt that his wife wasn’t allowing him to relax.  As he described it, he would get home from a difficult day of work, only to be confronted with the wife’s “nagging.”  Although this description probably wasn’t accurate, there likely were some clues that the wife could use to improve her situation.

Because what the husband was really likely asking for was for his wife to understand his stress levels and to help him with this issue rather than bringing his attention to it or intensifying it.  So while his words weren’t fair or accurate (since it wasn’t the wife’s fault his job was stressful,) some good would likely come out of this if the wife could look past the words and respond instead to the husband’s stressful situation.

How To Handle It When Your Husband’s Telling You That He’s Tired Of You: There’s no doubt that this was a difficult situation.  But I didn’t think that the wife should ignore it or respond negatively.  It’s always better to try to take a marital difficulty and to turn it into something positive.  In this instance, although I knew that the wife was hurt and defensive, there was a lot that she could take from this.

I suggested that the next time the husband gave the wife his “I’m tired of you” speech, she might try to respond differently the next time.  She may consider something like: “I hear what you’re saying and I’m not surprised because you’ve been saying this a lot.  Rather than continuing to say the same things and hurt each other, can we talk about what might actually make our situation better?  I don’t want to continue with the same behaviors that have been bothering you, but I need to understand what the problem really is.  Can we sit down and talk calmly about this? I want for us both to be happier in our marriage so I need to understand what, exactly, is annoying you and how I can change this.  And I’ll share with you how your statements make me feel so that we can both avoid these behaviors that hurt rather than help each other.”

Do you see how you’re trying to flip this around so that at least something positive is coming out of this?  The whole idea is to use this situation as a starting place to make the improvements which are going to stop these types of comments (and the possible fall out from them) for good.

Unfortunately, I didn’t take it seriously enough when my husband told me that he was tired of me.  I just engaged or ignored him and eventually things got so much worse that we almost divorced.  Thankfully, it eventually became obvious to me that I needed to change some things and doing so saved my marriage.  If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at Http://isavedmymarriage.com

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How Do I Know If My Spouse Is Thinking About Divorce? I’m Scared Because He’s Been Distant And Acting Weird.

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are afraid that their husband has been thinking about a divorce because his behavior is odd, and he’s increasingly distancing himself from her and from the marriage. Unfortunately, when these wives try to ask their husband about his thoughts and feelings, they are sometimes told that they’re being paranoid. Or the husband will be secretive and refuse to answer. (This is sometimes because he knows you’re going to try to change his mind and he wants to see how things play out without any influence or input.) 

When your husband won’t share his thoughts or address your concerns, what can you do but guess about his thought process? Well, you can look for very common clues that usually often too difficult to identify. And it’s understandable to want this information. You want to brace yourself and/or find a strategy to change things and save your marriage. I’ll list these clues below, but keep in mind that everyone is different. There may not be cause for panic if you see these signs or even cause for celebration if you don’t. Use your own knowledge of your spouse to evaluate.  

You Can Both See And Feel Your Husband’s Changes In Behavior:  It’s very common for a wife to feel that something is “weird” or “off” before she notices literal examples of troubling behavior. Sometimes, you feel as if you can’t quite put your finger on what is wrong, but you know that something is. You notice that your husband isn’t present when he is with you. He may not be showing you the affection and attention that he used to.

When you ask him if something is wrong, he may tell you that he is just busy or a bit stressed. He may even deny that there is a problem. So you may convince yourself that you are imagining things – until the behavior and the sinking feelings continue and you can no longer deny that your husband is suddenly cold, distant, and making excuses. 

He’s Thinking Of “Me,” And Not “We:”  Men who are thinking about a divorce begin to see themselves more of an individual and less as part of a lasting couple. They’ll stop spending as much time at home, opting instead to hang out with work colleagues, or their own friends. They’ll start to pursue their own individual hobbies. And they may even begin to pursue finances separately (even if they initially try to hide this.)  

Many of them are not even aware that they’re seeking their own independence. They aren’t always thinking about this consciously. But many begin to experiment with living more independently before they actually pursue a separation or divorce. 

This can become a troublesome cycle because, as he begins to spend less time with you and more time on independent pursuits, your intimacy will begin to wane – which is the very thing that might hold you together. 

This leads me to my next point: 

He May Try To Light A Spark:  This is a very tricky clue because most wives breathe a sigh of relief when they see this happening. Some wives are very confused when their husband asks for a separation or divorce after an increase in sex or a romantic trip away. 

Men who feel themselves checking out of their marriage will often feel intense guilt and even sorrow. So they want to give their marriage a fair chance, and they’ll sometimes take the initiative to initiate more romance than you’ve seen in a while. This can be a great sign – if it works for the husband. Sometimes, the wife feels the spark, but the husband does not. And then he will use this as justification for moving on. 

What You Can Do If You Suspect Your Spouse Is Thinking About A Divorce. How Do You Talk To Them?: As tempting as it might be, I believe it can be a mistake to take your spouse’s insistence that everything is fine at face value when you know in your gut that there is a problem. 

If you’re truly wrong, there’s no harm done if you bring it up. But if you’re right, at least you are being proactive and are hopefully addressing this problem before it reaches the point of no return. Sometimes, wives hesitate to take action because they know this conversation may be painful and uncomfortable. But doing nothing and ending up separated or divorced is more painful. 

Pick a very benign time to have this conversation and tell your spouse that you’ve noticed very specific changes in your marriage that have you worried. Then calmly list some of them, being careful not to sound accusatory. Tell him that you want to be wrong, but you’ve seen this pattern for some time now. 

Know that he may try to minimize your observations and deny that anything is wrong. Don’t dispute him or insinuate that he’s wrong or lying. Just tell him that you can’t ignore what you are seeing and that you’re worried about your interpretation. 

Sometimes, it helps to talk about scenarios. Ask him if he could have the marriage of his dreams, what would it look like. Sometimes, this allows him to say how he feels without identifying hurtful specifics.

Remember that the goal is not to badger him about what he’s feeling, it’s to open communications so that things can improve. You want to eventually feel comfortable opening up so that real change can begin. 

The goal is that he eventually realizes that whatever is wrong between you is not insurmountable and that he should be thinking about how he can right this ship rather than how to sink it. 

When my husband began to move away from me, I was actually accusatory when I tried to talk to him about it. Once we separated, I did everything that I could to stop it. I delayed, I begged, argued, stalked, and engaged, but none of these things worked – until I changed my approach. Thankfully, I decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read more about which tactics worked and which didn’t on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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I Don’t Want Our Marriage to End, But I Don’t Know How to Save It

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who feel as if they’re the only thing standing between their marriage and eventual divorce. They can’t deny that the marriage is on very fragile ground, but they’re also clear that they’re not ready to give up this relationship, this family life, or these memories to start from scratch somewhere else. 

As firm as these wives are in their beliefs, a husband can be equally as passionate about his belief that the marriage is unsalvageable. Often, these husbands feel that every conceivable remedy has already been tried, and continuing to spin the marital wheels would simply be a waste of everyone’s time. 

So what can you do when you know that trying to save your marriage isn’t a waste of time, but you don’t know how to save it? This article will focus on strategies that will hopefully allow you to make substantial progress even when you feel frozen and unsure of how to begin. 

Start Small. Don’t Try To Make The Sweeping Changes That Cause Mistakes:  When you are in the unenviable position of knowing that you may be the only one who wants to actively save your marriage, it’s very common to panic. Unfortunately, people commonly make the mistake of placing all of their time and attention on the very thing that they are trying to avoid. 

They’ll focus all of their energy on getting their spouse to abruptly commit to calling off the separation or divorce. This is understandable. Of course, you want a reprieve. Of course you want reassurance that there may be a chance that your husband may change his mind so that the marriage won’t end. But, sometimes, this process takes time. And when you take a reluctant husband and then try to force your own agenda, you’re taking a chance that this will not end well. You could very well be pushing for way too much way too soon. 

 When you push too hard, you’re asking him to suspend his disbelief and to speed up his time frame at a time when he has substantial doubts.

A better strategy is to systematically (and genuinely) remove his doubts. Once you do, he can be confident about changing his mind and he will likely do so more than willingly. 

Understand That Saving Your Marriage Means Methodically Overcoming Doubts: Admittedly, it’s much easier for me to understand the mindset of wives in this situation. Because I was one of them. (I was separated for a while and feared divorce, until I changed strategies.) But, I do hear from a decent amount of men. Many of them tell me they fear that the intimacy and teamwork between you are gone. As a result, they begin to see you as an individual and no longer as part of a unified couple. 

To have any chance of saving your marriage, you MUST eventually overcome this perception. I know that this seems like a daunting task, but if you can break it up into a series of gains that come naturally as you tailor your behavior to fit your goal, it is not always as difficult as it sounds. As you begin to show your spouse that change is not only possible, but it also doesn’t have to be painful, he may slowly begin to alter his negative perceptions. And that means that he may eventually change his mind. 

Do Not Allow Your Panic To Cause You To Drift Toward Negative And Disingenuous Behavior Or Strategies:  Even if you are typically very even-keeled and calm, it’s normal to find yourself tempted to engage in behavior you’d normally find embarrassing. Because we’re grasping at straws, many of us can’t seem to get ahold of our impulse to play negative games – like guilting, arguing, debating, or posturing. At the time when we should absolutely be on our best behavior and putting forward our best selves, the person who is on full display is actually our worse selves. 

This plan will usually fail pretty quickly. A husband who is already reluctant will usually not give in to these tactics. In fact, he will usually push back, which weakens your stance even further. 

If this happens, calmly regroup. Be careful that you don’t panic even further and overcompensate. Many wives in this situation will attempt to turn up the sugar. They’ll be overly affectionate. They’ll try to engage in sexual play. Again, this is understandable. But know this. Your husband knows you very well. He knows what is real and what is not.

Show Him A Positive And Genuine Version Of Yourself: Your husband knows the real you. And frankly, as hard as it may be for you to believe, somewhere deep down, he probably LOVES the real you – the version of you who is calm, loving, playful, and genuine. The problem is that he perceives that the version that he’s getting right now is only reactive. He may believe that she’s only acting as a means to an end.

It’s so important to break this cycle by showing him the truest, but the best, version of you. He must go from thinking that he needs to get away from you to be genuinely happy to accepting that happiness is also possible if he stays. 

Changing these perceptions over time saves marriages. Once his thought process changes, he’s willing to come to the table and work with you. Sometimes, that is all you need.  

Set The Stage By Telegraphing How Things Will Change And Pace Yourself: Sometimes, the easiest way to call a truce and to set it up so that you can make progress is to clear the air by telling your husband that you’re not going to participate in negativity starting today. Clarify that although you don’t want to end your marriage, you don’t want to fight with him and deteriorate your relationship. So you’re not going to engage in any drama anymore. 

When you’re not pushing any more, he doesn’t have to resist you. This makes your job easier because he no longer sees you as a threat. 

Once you have a clearer path, don’t take on too much too soon. Don’t try to tackle all your problems at once. Make progress and then enjoy that progress before you try to analyze things too much. 

Focus on taking the baby steps that allow you to calm things down so that eventually you can make huge strides toward climbing your way back up. 

It was my husband, not me, who felt that our marriage was really over. It didn’t matter that I knew it wasn’t over for me.  But I panicked and drew on negative emotions.  It took me way too long, but I finally realized that I had to change course.  And thankfully, the new strategy eventually worked.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

 

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How Do I Show My Estranged, Separated Husband That He’d Be Making A Big Mistake By Divorcing Me?

By: Leslie Cane: When you are separated but don’t want to be, your biggest fear is often divorce. Sure, you don’t want the separation to linger on forever. And yes, you’re lonely and scared. But, at the same time, if you’re separated, that means that you aren’t divorced. So you’re likely stuck in a situation that you hate, but you have no choice but to concede that it could be worse. You could be divorced. Still, most wives in this situation resent being separated, and they want to figure out a way to end it. One strategy is to show their separated husband that a divorce would be a big mistake. If he knows that a divorce is not the answer, then a separation probably isn’t, either.

A wife might say, “We’ve been separated for about thirteen weeks. I’d hoped to be reconciled by now. But that isn’t going to happen. My husband keeps stalling. He won’t say if he’s pursuing a divorce. And he won’t offer me any reassurance that he will consider a reconciliation, either. So my gut tells me that he is leaning toward divorce. But he has not filed. I wanted to do something to show him that a divorce would be a huge mistake. So I tried to make him jealous. And he called me ‘pathetic’ and ‘attention-seeking.’ Then I tried to be sweet so that I could lure him back. He didn’t take me seriously. I almost feel like I made the situation worse because now he’s not as open to me. I regret this, but I also know that I have to do something. We have built a family and a home over multiple years. How tragic would it be to ruin all our lives by just walking away? How do I get him to see that divorcing me would be a mistake?”

There’s A Big Difference Between Genuinely Showing And Telling With Force: I’m sure you remember multiple teachers and mentors encouraging you to “show not tell.” This advice works because demonstrating the merits of your argument is much more convincing than merely making a claim.

Please understand that your husband may already be tempted to meet your claims with doubt. Why? Because he knows you’re trying to change his mind. So while showing is always going to be more effective than telling, that may even be more true when he already may doubt some of what you say.

Also, you need to be very careful of contradictory claims. When you’re trying to make your husband jealous one day but then being overly accommodating the next, your sincerity may be questioned.

Determine Exactly What You’re Really Showing Him: In the examples above, think about what you were showing your spouse. When you tried to make him jealous, you showed him that you could be manipulative. When you were sweet, he wasn’t in the right place to receive the message because of the prior manipulation.

Sit down and ask yourself which attributes your husband most loves about you or considers most important in a partner. Because these are the attributes that you most want to show. Then determine the most effective way to repeatedly and genuinely demonstrate these attributes.

Figure Out Genuine Ways To Demonstrate What He Truly Wants: Let’s say you’ve decided that you want to show him that you’re a vibrant, loving, loyal wife who would be very hard to replace. Well, that seems simple. But, in reality, there’s going to be a challenge in that. Because a loving wife has to be loving even when she is frustrated beyond belief with this separation. She has to still be able to see the husband she loves underneath all the hurt and misunderstanding. So she has to be patient at a time when she feels anything but.

To accomplish this, you have to adjust your perception.  I found it helpful to tell myself that the times my husband most frustrated me during our separation were the biggest opportunities to show him growth.

I could use his doubt as a way to surprise him with my ability to come through. Sure, he would doubt me at first. But if I kept showing the same unflappable person, I could eventually overcome his reservations.

Now, you have to make sure that you’re looking for genuine opportunities and you’re not trying to manufacture situations that are too unbelievable. If you are caught attempting this, you’re only making your job harder when your husband may already doubt you.

Have Patience And Keep Going Even When You’re Met With Doubt: As I alluded to, your husband might meet your sincere efforts with reluctance. He knows you don’t want a divorce. So he knows any strategy you use is meant to change his mind. Therefore, even when you’re completely genuine and sincere, he may still have doubts.

I believe the most effective way around this is to continue on even in the face of this resistance. If you keep showing him a sincere effort (even when you are challenged) he will hopefully begin to believe it. You won’t know if you give up. So as hard and as frustrating as it can be, you often will just have to stay the course with integrity and grace.

I believe that it helps to accept that this is often a gradual process. I know that you want this separation to end this evening and right now. But unfortunately, this is often a process that requires you to overcome more than one obstacle. Just as you make progress in one place, you’ll have something else to overcome. Just approach this methodically and tackle things as they come.

The good news is that gradual gains tend to last. And your husband is more likely to trust in any improvements and changes when they occur over time. Look at it this way. The time component is a hard issue to deal with when you’re separated. But if you approach it deliberately, you can actually make time work for you to save your marriage.

So sometimes it makes sense to embrace the time rather than curse it. Having more time means that at least you aren’t divorced and the game isn’t completely over.

I worried that the time was not my friend in the beginning of my separation, but, in the end, it helped to save our marriage.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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