Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who worry that they are doing everything wrong during their marital or trial separation. Many still very much want to save their marriages, but they are afraid that they are going to make the wrong move or take the wrong step and make a divorce that much more likely.  Because of this fear, they sometimes overcompensate, which can be just as damaging.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband moved out last week because he has been pushing for  a trial separation. I am not ashamed to admit that I am so very lost. I miss him so much. I feel like the best and most important part of me is gone. So I feel compelled to check in on him all the time. I call. I text. I stop by without being invited. And if I’m being honest, I have to admit that I know this annoys and frustrates my husband because he’s made it very clear that he needs time and space away from me. But I just can’t seem to help myself. My friends tell me that I need to back off in order to make my marriage better. Are they right? I’m so afraid that if I back off he will forget about me, move on, or quiet that nagging voice that is telling him he has a family to whom he is responsible.”

I understand these fears because I had them myself. You worry that if you give your husband too much alone time or space, he’s going to find that he likes it. And he’s going to want more of it which means he may want to continue on with the separation or eventually pursue a divorce. You worry that if you don’t do things to keep him remembering you and your marriage, he might just be tempted to forget altogether.

But here’s the thing. Your husband often sees your being present or checking in all the time as suffocating or not respecting his wishes or his request for time. I do believe that in most cases, backing off a little bit can improve your situation and potentially improve your marriage, especially if you do it in the right way. I will tell you why and explain this concept further below.

Why Backing Off Will Often Help Your Husband’s Perceptions Which Will In Turn Help Your Marriage: I know that it’s quite possible that you see backing off as the scariest, riskiest, and least appealing option right now. I felt this way too. Backing off can feel like the beginning stages of letting go of your marriage and that is the last thing that you want.

But please believe me when I say that backing off can also be strategy – and it’s often a good one. Here’s why. Your husband has clearly asked you for (or demanded) some space.  That’s why the separation is happening right now.  By not giving him this space, you are painting yourself in a very negative light. You run the risk of him seeing you as a nuisance or worse, as someone whom he is going to have to divorce to get the space he’s so desperately seeking.  I’m not saying he is right in this assumption.  I am just trying to share his thought process with you.

Also, not backing off means that you can come off as needy, desperate, and as someone who doesn’t have a lot going on in her own life. This is not how you want to appear when you are trying to save your marriage or end your separation. Instead, you want for your husband to think that you are perfectly capable of living your life even when your marriage is struggling. You want for him to think that you are busy, vibrant, and coping. You may even have to fake your ability to cope and manage just a little bit, but doing so is better than clinging so tightly that he just wants to escape you in order to have some reprieve.

And even better, backing off can sometimes create a bit of suspense which can turn out to make a husband interested again. Because when you have been clinging so tightly and then change things up by suddenly backing off, any normal person is going to wonder why. He often can’t help but wonder what brought about your change in behavior. And sometimes, he will then reach out to you to learn the answer. This makes things more balanced and is actually better for you and your marriage in the long run.

Balancing Backing Off With Still Being Receptive To Him And Your Marriage: Now that I have went over all of the advantages of backing off, I need to tell you that you don’t want to over do it. Some wives will become so enthusiastic about this plan that they will take it so far as to ignore their husbands or pretend that they don’t care. This is taking things to the other extreme and I don’t find this to be a good idea either.  Many will see their husband suddenly become interested.  And then the more their husband moves toward them, the more the wives start to walk away thinking that their husbands will want them even more.  This is usually a mistake. You want to strike a balance between creating some mystery and giving your husband his space while still making it clear that you still are committed to saving your marriage when your husband is ready to do so.

Frankly, when you strike this balance, you put your husband in the best position to miss you so that he wants to come home and come to the table with a plan and a willingness to save your marriage.

My own husband had to go to extremes to get me to back off during my separation.  I didn’t play it correctly, and it almost costs me my marriage.  Once I figured out that backing off would actually help me cause rather than hurt it, this made a huge difference and I eventually saved my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on http://isavedmymarriage.com.  Also, the video on this side bar has very good free information on how to very effectively play this game.

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By: Leslie Cane: Wives who are in a troubled marriage – or even those who are separated and on the verge of divorce – have many recurring fears. But one of the most common fears is the fear of regret. Many of them intuitively know that the loss of an important relationship like marriage could be one of those regrets that will plague you throughout your entire life – and right up until your dying day. It could well be that one failure that rises above all others.

A wife might say, “My husband has been living away from me for about eight weeks. Although he is the one who decided to leave, I too have been very unhappy in this marriage for the past couple of years. It wasn’t always this way. When our kids were small, we were extremely happy and committed. But things have changed. My husband has changed. I am very much a person who believes that marriage is forever. My parents were divorced, and once they split up, this deteriorated many aspects of my life. In some respects, we were all never the same. My mother was bitter and bad-mouthed my father every chance she got. But when she became chronically ill much later in life, my father asked if he could see her – after decades of deliberately never crossing paths. Their meeting lasted for hours, and it seemed to make my mother happy. Later, she told me that she deeply regretted ending her marriage with my father. She lamented “all that wasted time,” and all of the “anger” that she carried for the rest of her life. I don’t want this to happen to me. I don’t want to possibly not see my husband at the end of my life. I want him to be there – with my children. But how I get to that point from where we are right now seems impossible. Because my husband is not receptive to anything I’m trying to do. At times, he’s almost combative when I want to fight for my marriage. He thwarts every attempt I make. I try to call him and he either won’t pick up or won’t talk for long. I ask to see him and he refuses and becomes angry that I asked. I only see him because of the kids. It’s not like we had a huge fight that ended things or that either of us did anything wrong. He just seems angry about life. I know it will be a mistake if I don’t continue to fight for my marriage. But he makes it difficult. What now?

Sometimes, Fighting For Your Marriage Means Fighting For Yourself: I understand where you are and how you feel. My husband was extremely resistant, and at times hostile, during my own separation. It took me way too long to figure out the dangerous dynamic that we’d created. He kept his distance. I reacted out of fear and participated in somewhat pushy behaviors to try to get him to pay attention to me – or even to interact with me. While this was understandable, it didn’t help. In fact, it just reinforced the fact that he wanted me at a safe distance. Continuing to participate in the back and forth eventually stopped making sense.

I was forced to take a step back. Since he wouldn’t allow me to focus on him (or our marriage,) I eventually had no one to focus on but myself. I was lonely. I was bored. So I had to expand my world. Just to pass the time, I decided to learn new things, pursue new hobbies, and spend time with other people who loved and wanted the best for me. I can’t claim that I was on any self-improvement kick. I just needed activities so that I wasn’t sitting home and feeling sorry for myself. But I DID improve. I DID become a better version of myself.

And then something interesting happened. As I dialed down the pressure and intensity, my husband was no longer thwarting me. Slowly, gradually, he began to give me a little more access. And I was better able to respond because I was actually stronger and less desperate.

Now, at the time, I would have told you that I had no choice but to pause my efforts in trying to save my marriage. But in fact, my forced inaction toward him and my action toward myself was the best step I could have taken at the time. It reversed the horrible pattern we’d established and allowed a reset (which was the start of a reconciliation.)

So right now and today, ask yourself what you can do for yourself that may hopefully (and eventually) do something for your marriage.

Staying Positively In Touch While Biding Your Time: Although it’s normal and understandable to worry that backing off may allow him to venture even further away from you, this isn’t typically the case – especially if there are legitimate reasons to keep in touch (like kids, your home, shared interests, and extended families.) In this case, the couple regularly interacted because of the kids. So the wife needn’t worry that she would never know what her husband was doing or would never interact with him.

That said, when you have limited interactions, it is important to make them count. You want to open the door. You want to create positive interactions that, slowly and gradually, will make him more receptive to the next interaction. And the next. And so on.

Yes, this is a gradual process. But at least it’s one where you are actually moving forward. At least in this scenario, he is a willing participant.

You Don’t Need To Have Regrets If You Still Keep Your Foot In The Door: I know that giving pause may feel like you’re giving up when that is the last thing you want to know. But know that you’re only temporarily changing strategies until it’s safer to venture back into the water. You’re resetting so that when you can come back at this, you will get better reception and cooperation.

Even at the lowest points in my separation, I knew in my heart that I wasn’t ever going to give up. (You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com) Yes, your husband can control what happens on his end. But he can’t control your heart and your intentions. You don’t need to feel guilt or regret by trying to give yourself the best chance of saving your marriage – even if that means you aren’t “fighting” at all.

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By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives have a list of strategies that want to try to get their husbands to come back once he’s left for a break or separation. Many of them hope that this experiment of him being away will be short-lived. They hope that their husband will quickly see that being on his own is not as wonderful as he’d assumed. However, this hope doesn’t always come to fruition as planned. Many husbands seem to feel as if they’ve been given a hall pass to do exactly as they like – and of course, that is attractive – especially at first.

But, understandably, wives often wonder how long a husband’s seemingly happy new existence will move closer to reality. They hope that one day soon, he will look around and realize what he’s missing – and what he’s losing out on by being willingly absent.

A wife might say, “I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging on myself or that I’m denying any role in our separation, but even my husband has admitted that this is all his doing. He has repeatedly told me that I’ve been a good spouse and that I’ve done nothing wrong. He’s even gone so far as to say if anything, I’m too perfect. My husband’s friends tell me that he is crazy to separate from me. Even his mother has said the same. My husband has told me in the past that I am too good for him, but I don’t agree. He sells himself short. However, there is no denying that we are not living together because he got restless and decided ‘to see’ how he would feel on his own. I can’t really come up with a concrete reason that we are apart other than the fact that he isn’t sure our marriage is what he wants anymore. We never fight. We pretty much agree about important issues and have similar backgrounds. I’d call this a midlife crisis, but that might be simplifying matters. Still, I find myself hoping that my husband will come to his senses soon and will wake up and see everything that he is risking losing. I know that he loves me, and he has built a life with me. We have wonderful children. We’ve built a beautiful home. We are members of a close community and church. And he has now put all that on hold. It is hard for me to believe that he won’t regret it. Is there any chance at all that he’ll realize all that he’s losing and he’ll want to keep it so he will come home?

There’s every chance of this. In my experience, it can go either way. And although, statistically speaking, the longer he is away, the harder it can be to get him home, there is always an exception to this. My separation lasted for much longer than I anticipated, and friends and family had truly given up on us.  And they suggested that I give up as well.  Thank goodness I didn’t. I can’t tell you that my husband miraculously just had this type of realization one day. It didn’t happen like that for me, but I do know a few people who had this happen.

That said, why not try to improve your chances of this happening by trying to sway the circumstances in your favor? Below, I’ll suggest some ways that may help you do this.

Understand How Much Judgement And Pressure He May Feel: I know that this is going to be a touchy subject. And I am not insinuating that you have done anything wrong. You haven’t. But I do want to share an issue that I see coming up over and over again. The husband will often tell the wife that the separation is about him and not her. He’ll praise his wife and freely admit that he admires and loves her, but he still isn’t sure he wants to be with her. And he’s well aware that everyone is disappointed in him and in his decision. He’s aware that everyone is worried about his kids, and wondering what is wrong with him. And frankly, this hurts him. It makes him feel NEGATIVE feelings when he thinks of his family, and about where he wants to go moving forward.

And how do people react to negative feelings? They AVOID in response. They back away. And when a separated husband backs away, he begins to distance himself even more – lessening the chance that you make progress toward a reconciliation.

I know what you may be thinking, “well this leaves me in a no-win situation. Am I just supposed to pretend that everything is fine? And that I don’t want him home as soon as possible?” No, I would never suggest that. Your husband would know this isn’t true anyway.

But what I’d encourage you to do is to take down any pressure – obvious or overt. As much as you are hurting, don’t make your pain and fear the sole things you’re focusing on when you are together or when you speak. He needs to know that you are capable and okay, even if you’d change things. Make time with your kids still fun, still uplifting, still lighthearted. Always stress that no matter what happens, you are always going to be a family.

If he can have a good time when you are together, then he’s likely to increase the time he spends with you, which means you will increasingly have chances to make progress. You need access to reconcile, and he will give you that access when he doesn’t feel guilty or reckless when he is around you.

Perfection Is Not The Goal, Progress Is: Being described as perfect in a relationship is often a compliment, but it can backfire sometimes in this scenario. When a husband feels like a disappointment, having a perfect wife and the expectations of a perfect marriage can create a scenario where he feels that he’s not good enough. Again, this may cause him to avoid you and the marriage to escape these negative feelings.

This doesn’t mean that you have to lower your standards or pretend to be someone you are not. But when he makes statements to the effect of you’ve done nothing wrong, or he knows your perfect, take the opportunity to tell him that no one, and no relationship, is perfect. Be willing to assume that, even if he’s not admitting it, there are always underlying issues that can use some work. Any marriage can use extra attention and care, and giving it the same only benefits all parties.

Don’t Focus On Loss. Focus on Gain: A marriage is only as happy as its unhappiest member. That is why it’s vital that your husband feels content and comfortable within it. Yes, he’s going to lose things if you divorce – a lot of things. But placing the focus on this once again brings about negative feelings and avoidance. Instead, focus on what he gains if you work some things out. He gets his family and his supportive home life back. But even better, he gets the new and improved version – the version that is going to make him happy and less restless.

As I alluded to, I had to use a good deal of finesse to get my husband back.  I had to learn to flip things so the positive was on full display.  That story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from folks who feel as if their spouse is not at all being themselves during a marital separation. And while it is understandable that a person would be a little off while they are going through a difficult or painful separation, it can sometimes be obvious that the spouse’s behavior goes beyond this. Many people feel that their spouse has taken up the sport of mind games during the separation and they aren’t quite sure how to handle this.

An example is a wife saying: “honestly, I thought that the separation might be good for us. Our marriage has been struggling for a long time. And although my husband and I often agree to go to counseling and to work together to make our marriage better, nothing really happens. Both of us just sort of wait for the other person to do the changing or to make a move. And so nothing improves and things only deteriorate. So bringing up the separation is something that happened quite naturally. I thought that we could be cordial about it. And the whole idea was that being apart would make us see how much we wanted to be together. But that isn’t what has happened. My husband is very sarcastic to me and at times, he’s downright mean. When I ask to see him, he always says that he is busy. Sometimes, he won’t even pick up my calls. The other day, he said he couldn’t see me because he had other plans. When I asked him what those plans were, he told me that he wasn’t going to tell me that information.  So, I point blank asked him if he was seeing someone else. And he still wouldn’t answer. It was almost like he wanted for me to think that he was going out with someone else. This is infuriating to me. I wouldn’t play games like this with him. Why is he doing this?” I’ll tell you some possible theories in the following article.

It’s a bit hard for me to objective here because many would argue that I took certain liberties during my own separation when my husband was distant and avoiding me.  In my defense, I never allowed him to believe that I was seeing other people. And I was never rude or even distant to him. In fact, I was always clear on the fact that my hope was that we would get back together, but I made it clear that I was no longer going to put my life on hold.

Playing Mind Games Is A Common Attempt To Gain Reassurance When Separated: I believe that this is very common when one spouse feels rejected. This scenario is especially common when one spouse wanted to separate while the other did not. It’s often an attempt to see if you can get a response out of your spouse, if only to prove to you that they still care. And you can call it mind games if you like but it’s often a cry for attention or a plea for reassurance. They figure if you get angry, or jealous, or demand information, then this is proof that you are still invested in your marriage.

How To Handle This Scenario: Even if you know what is driving your spouse to act this way, this practice can still be annoying. It can still be hurtful. And it can even hurt your chances of a reconciliation if you take it too far. So how do you best handle this if you suspect that your spouse is playing mind games? Well, you don’t want to come right out and accuse them of this. They will likely only get defensive and it is doubtful that they are doing this in a purposeful or sinister way.

You may want to have a conversation about this but you don’t want to be accusatory. In this situation, the wife might say something like: “I have to say that things aren’t going in the way that I hoped. It was my wish that the separation would bring us closer together but I can’t help but feel the distance between us. I realize that you are busy, but do you think that we could schedule some time together? I think that it’s very important that we make the time to check in with one another. I’m still hoping that this will all turn out OK. I hope that you are too.”

The last thing that you probably want to do is to try to play hard ball or think “two can play this game” and then try to play your own version of mind games. This will typically only make things worse and then with both people pulling away, you have a marriage that just gets more and more damaged and more and more awkward. Sometimes, one person has to step up and be the bigger person. One person has to step up and tell what is still the truth.

It helps to keep in mind that your spouse is probably doing this to draw you closer to him or to get affirmation that you still care. So sometimes, just being the bigger person and offering that reassurance will be all that is needed to get them to back off of this stance.

In my own case, I was definitely backing off in order to get my husband to be receptive to me.  And this definitely helped the situation.  But I was always careful not to take this too far.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I honestly believe that one of the biggest landmines that separated wives face during their separation is rumination filled with negative or catastrophic thinking. This is especially true of wives who very much want to reconcile, but who keep getting in their own way. Often, these wives are fully aware that they need rise above the noise and fear to be their best, most wise selves.   

Unfortunately, doing so is very difficult when you can’t get out of your own head, and when you can’t shake the fear that you’re about to lose everything. Many wives try to stop themselves from getting carried away with this type of catastrophic thinking, but their thoughts become like a merry-go-round of negativity. They keep churning round and round and therefore cloud your entire outlook. This process can negatively affect your behaviors – which in turn can also undermine your attempts to reconcile. Therefore, it’s important to find a way to stop this.

To that end, this article is going to discuss a clever hack to get you out of this cycle, and into more positive thinking that is much more conducive to reconciliation. 

Understand What This Repetitive Loop Costs You By REALLY Listening: You probably already know that the cycle you are on is bringing you down and is very unhealthy. But did you ever actually appreciate how relentless, constant, and destructive it really is? One day, when I was smack in the middle of this cycle, I was asked to keep track of all the negative thoughts and all the positive thoughts I had that day so I could figure out the percentages of each. The idea was that this would force me to see how lopsided and destructive my thinking really was. 

I gave up after a very short time because it became undeniably evident that negative thoughts were overwhelmingly dominating my mind. It wasn’t even close. I might occasionally have a stray positive thought about my sweet dog or great food, but frankly, this had become rare.

When we get caught in this cycle, our minds are so noisy that there isn’t any room for healthy, constructive thoughts that might nudge us toward what we should be doing. Instead, we’re only responding to fear, doubt, and shame. We can’t make our best decisions this way. Our negative internal self-talk will often make a bad situation worse, which only amplifies our stress level. But often, no matter what we try to do to stop, we can’t seem to do so. And then we think that there is something wrong with us – which only continues the loop.

How To Begin To Slow Down That Loop: I’m about to share a brilliant hack. But I can’t take any credit whatsoever. I recently read about Ethan Kross and his book, Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It.

He explains the entire cycle brilliantly. When we re-examine the same worries over and over, we’re charting a familiar path in our brains. To break this cycle, we’ve got to do something extremely different to shake us out of the rut we’ve created. 

To do that, you’ll participate in “distanced self-talk,” which allows you to step a small step back so that you can be more objective. 

So how do you do this? You replace whatever personal pronoun you’re using in your self-talk. For most of us, this is “I” or “me.”

As in:

• “I can’t do anything right?”
• “Why am I so stupid?”
• “I’m about to lose my husband and my marriage.”
• “My husband doesn’t love me anymore.”

Why Does This Strategy Work?: Think about it. If you were advising your best friend instead of yourself, would your words be different? Of course they would. We have much more compassion for people other than ourselves. We’d tell our separated best friend that tomorrow is another day, that her husband is lucky to have her, and that she should never forget her own worth. But we’d never have these words for ourselves. So we must fool our brains into sort of believing that we’re talking to someone else until a new habit takes hold.

Examples of Distanced Self-Talk: So how would this look in real life?: It helps to address yourself by formal name, nickname, or term of endearment. Then, instead of using “I,” you’d say “you” or “her.”

So it would look something like – “Sweetheart, stop hating on yourself. You know that you’re doing the best that you can. Give yourself a break right now.”

Or “C’mon Susan, stop with the negativity. You don’t know what tomorrow will bring. You don’t know what will happen with your marriage. But you do know that if you continue to act with pessimism and destructiveness, you probably won’t get any closer to what you want. What would your Grandmother Anne do in this situation?”

This brings me to part two of this great strategy. Think about the person you respect the most in this world and ask what she would do. In the example above, I mentioned a grandmother, but any person (fictional, real, or otherwise) will work. The idea is just to create the necessary distance so that you can be more objective. Once this happens, you can actually brainstorm some resolutions or at least some hopeful thoughts, so you can finally – FINALLY – close down this loop.

This Works Even Better If You Can Do It In Nature: Kross suggests that nature allows us to recharge and regroup because it doesn’t take much mental bandwidth to appreciate. It doesn’t compete with our thoughts but instead can enhance them. 

So if you find yourself suffering in a cycle of negative thoughts and you can’t stop, take a walk, and talk to yourself like you are someone else. Then, ask how the person you respect most in the world would handle this issue. I suspect that you’ll come away with a new, and more positive, perspective. Keep doing this until you notice that your mind is much quieter.

And the best part is that as your mind quiets down, your behavior will reflect this calming effect and your situation should improve. That means that eventually, you’ll have a little less to worry about, and this process will become easier as a result. 

 I so wish I’d known about this hack during my own difficult separation.  It would have saved so much grief.  Although I eventually reconciled my marriage, learned to treat myself better, and healed, I wasted a lot of time first. That story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If you’re separated from your spouse, you’re likely well aware that you may not be able to fully and confidently reconcile until you restore the intimacy and comfort level between you. But this can be a tall order when you aren’t living together and when things feel a little awkward and delicate between you. This article is meant to offer some easily-achievable ways to reconnect.

Determine Your Goals And Pick The Most Appropriate Approach: I know that you may think that you need to do psychologist-recommended, formal couples exercises to truly reconnect. I’ve read about very intense exercises like soul gazing, but, and I can only speak for myself, I don’t think this would have worked for me because it would have been too much too soon. 

Still, I’d never discourage you from pursuing whatever you believe will work. If your spouse is receptive, you’ll have many options. However, I’m not a formal professional, so this article is going to focus on super easy, casual activities meant to bring you closer together in a way that doesn’t feel awkward or too far-reaching.  

I’m hoping that these suggestions are accessible to many couples because I’ve found that there’s definitely a subset of couples who are better off keeping this process a bit more casual at first. Why? Because often the spouse who initiated the separation or who has asked for space is still dragging his feet a bit, so it may be difficult to get him to commit to very involved exercises. He may balk, or worse, take a step back.

That’s why, for some, it can make sense to keep these activities very light. You don’t necessarily need to call them exercises or announce that this is what you’re doing. Just incorporate this into your encounters as you are able.

Never try to force this on a reluctant spouse. If you feel resistance, it’s better to wait and try again in a little while.

Work Out (Or Just Move Your Bodies) Together: I do not love working out, but I feel so much better mentally, emotionally, and physically when I do it. There can be a vulnerability to it that is useful in this scenario as well. Not everyone is going to want to start a new exercise program. Some couples will have success (and be perfectly happy with) just taking a walk together. 

Some may start new fitness programs or even join a gym so that they know at least they’ll see one another at a set time each week. The beauty of it is that you’re together and you’re vulnerable in a very low-pressure way. You don’t need to spill your deepest darkest secrets. You’re just spending time together in physical and constructive ways.

My husband and I found new workout options online during the pandemic and we’re doing new workouts we never would have imagined out of necessity, but we’re laughing at ourselves and each other as we step very far out of our comfort zones.

I know a couple who play wrestles. Whatever works.

Share Pop Culture You Find Meaningful: Some couples find a show to binge and talk about together. Others jointly read a book series or discuss their latest podcast obsessions. This at least gets you talking, but you can even take it a step further if you like by asking, “Why this one? Why does this speak to you?” 

This gives you something that you can regularly share, and there is always going to be something new to talk about. If you see, read, or hear something that you know your spouse would like, clip or save it, and talk about it together later.  Accept whatever quirks or weirdness comes up.  This can actually be a process of discovery.

Pursue A Hobby That Is New To Both Of You: I hope that by now you’re seeing a pattern. We’re looking for activities that allow for regular joint collaboration, vulnerability, learning something new, and stepping outside of your comfort zone together. New hobbies check all of the boxes. The only consideration is that you shouldn’t pick something with which you’re already familiar. You want to learn something new together. And you both need to agree to the hobby and be somewhat enthusiastic about it. 

Travel Together To Carefully-Chosen Destinations (Short And Inexpensive:) I am not about to suggest that you take an elaborate and expensive trip. Doing so just puts unnecessary pressure on the whole situation. I’m not even talking about sharing a hotel room if you’re not at that place yet. I’m talking about day trips where you can learn something new or share an experience together. This could be as simple as visiting a new restaurant, park, or carefully-researched destination.

I love finding historical places or nature experiences that we can visit on a tankful of gas. You can leave in the early morning and come home in the evening. It gives you a full day of being together in a conducive, upbeat environment. 

Experience Art Together: I believe there is something magical about shared aesthetic experiences. This can be as easy as attending a concert, art exhibit, museum, or play. You can even get dressed up and have a nice dinner afterward. Again, these type of shared experiences usually brings forth vulnerability and strong emotions – that come from the art, not from you.  It gives you the outlet without you’re having to put yourself out there.  And when you share vulnerability and strong emotions, it can forge intimacy and connection. 

I hope you’ve noticed that these suggestions aren’t expensive. Or elaborate. They don’t require tons of planning or effort. They are merely ways to spend some fun, productive time together in ways that encourage you to work together and connect.

You’re not pushing anything, but you’re just gently nudging a very easy, and familiar, connection to knit itself back together. This shouldn’t feel awkward or forced. It should feel fun. When you hit on something that works, keep going. Make it a habit or regular date if you can and then build, build, and build some more until you are reconnecting on a regular basis.

I don’t mean to imply that any reconciliation is effortless. It certainly isn’t all of the time.  I had some disastrous attempts, and almost split up.  But I never stopped trying, not really.  And that made all the difference.  More here: https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are faced with a situation where they can feel their husbands pulling away. Sometimes, he even discloses that he’s thinking about a separation or divorce. Understandably, many wives in this situation immediately want to pull their husbands closer in response. But they often find that this strategy just doesn’t work. He may push when you pull. He may start to avoid you so you don’t have to do this awkward dance anymore. As a result, you’re often left with what appears to be the only option – to give him the space that will either confirm he wants out or will hopefully change his mind about staying.  

It makes sense that a wife would hope that space would work to her benefit. Isn’t there a chance that he’ll find that he doesn’t really want a divorce after all? Of course there is. But there’s also a chance that this strategy will only reinforce his behavior.

A wife might say, “Honestly, the last thing that I wanted was to let my husband move out. But it got to where it was the only option I had left. He told me he was going to file for divorce, and I begged him to not act hastily since this is such a serious, lasting decision. He said he’d already thought about it, but I finally convinced him to take some temporary space to think about it. I hated having to do this, but I figured it was the better option than a sure divorce. And I guess that, over time, I hoped that he would realize that he really doesn’t want a divorce. But he seems very blissful with our current situation. And this knowledge doesn’t come from him sharing anything with me because he doesn’t share a thing. I have to pull small details from him. And I have to get information from mutual friends and family members. We never fight. He’s not angry with me. He just seems to not want to be married to me anymore. I thought that my plan might give our marriage a lifeline. But instead, I actually think it made things worse. What now? Because I can’t reverse this. Now that he has a taste of freedom, he’s not going to willingly move back in and go back to the way things were.”

This wife had sort of answered her own question. I know from my own experience that a husband isn’t very likely to give up his freedom and go back to the way things were when nothing has changed. But there’s the rub. If you can provide the changes that you both need, then he may eventually not only come back, but he may do so very enthusiastically and willingly. However, here are some things to keep in mind while you’re attempting to move toward a better place.

Don’t Try To Abruptly Take Away The Space. But Change How You’re Presenting Yourself And Your Situation: I completely understand why you may think that this space experiment was disastrous. You may believe that all you did was offer him the mechanism to be rid of you on a silver platter. In fact, you may believe that he realizes that his happiness is tied to being without you. 

I had the same worries. But sometimes it’s too soon to make that call. There are times when you don’t have much of a choice but to let this play out and wait for better days, while shifting the circumstances to your advantage. After all, how receptive is he going to be if you try to make him change his mind right now? Probably not very receptive. But worse, if you push, you might lose the scarce access that you have to him. 

Unfortunately, most of the time, you have to continue with the space until he’s obviously ready to give willingly give it up.

But that doesn’t mean you have to continue in the way that you already are. If your husband perceives that you are moping around and waiting on him, change that dynamic. Start living and trying to enjoy your life. Not only does this take a little pressure off of him, but it will sometimes make him turn his head toward you.

Don’t Rely On Him To Tell You What Needs To Change: I hope that I’ve convinced you that one of the keys to getting your marriage back is taking the initiative and changing the issues that are pulling you apart. You’ll often have a hard time luring your husband back without this happening.

Many wives in this situation get frustrated because their husband isn’t honest or forthcoming about what it would take to make him happy again. Honestly, he may not be saying because he may not even know what would make him happy. It’s possible that the marriage isn’t even the sole cause of his unhappiness.

That’s why you don’t necessarily need him to give you a blueprint. When I was separated, I liked to pretend that I didn’t always know why my husband wasn’t invested anymore. But if I’m honest, I did know, at least partially, and at least deep down in my heart. I certainly knew enough to take the initiative to make some improvements on my own. And I could have done this right away, but instead, I waited and wasted precious time.

If you’re blocked about what you could do to address your most pressing issues, ask yourself what you’d say if someone made you guess. What about if someone offered you a large sum of money to name your husband’s biggest hesitations with your marriage? Could you come up with something then?

Most often, it at least partially comes down to intimacy and commitment. You’ve got to address the intimacy before the commitment follows.

Keep Your Discouragement In Check. Things Can And Do Change: I know that what you’re going through right now feels terrible. I’ve been there. And I was sure that I’d messed everything up and would end up divorced. But I didn’t. Despite my numerous mistakes, I was eventually able to regroup, try something else, and succeed in saving my marriage.  (That entire story is here: https://isavedmymarriage.com) I know that it feels like you’ve made a disastrous mistake. But you’re not divorced yet. So there’s still time.  

In the early stages of “space,” it’s normal for a husband to appear to be relieved or even happy. But sometimes the novelty wears off. Or the wife tries new strategies and can make some headway. Today isn’t fun. But tomorrow can be different. Don’t accept that this will always be your reality. It doesn’t always have to be.  

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by: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who are at the point where they’re willing to do just about anything to prevent a divorce or separation.  And many have already tried numerous and various things which haven’t worked so far.  So, sometimes they come to a point where they intuitively know that it’s now or never as far as their marriage is concerned and they’re struggling to come up with some last ditch effort that is actually going to work.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “nothing that I’ve done to try to save my marriage has worked.  I’ve promised my husband I would change.  I’ve tried to figure out what he really wants and then attempted to give that to him.  I’ve begged him to go to counseling but he won’t.  I’ve tried to make him see that neither of us are going to be any happier apart.  But everything that I do or say is either ignored or discounted.  I’m getting pretty desperate at this point.  I’m trying to put together a last ditch effort to save my marriage but so far, he’s been resistant to everything.  What can or should I do at this point?”

I can remember feeling exactly this way when I was trying to save my own marriage. And I also know that when you’re in this very scary and desperate place, this is when you will often make the most unfortunate decisions.  You often aren’t thinking clearly and you suspect that you might have to do something very dramatic or over the top to finally either get some results or some relief.  I’ve had wives admit to me that they’ve considered any number of things that were very embarrassing and unfortunate as they look back on them now.  Many have admitted to behaviors like making threats, promising that he will be sorry, out and out begging, or even alluding to the fact that the wife can’t (or won’t) be live without him.  Unfortunately, these sort of strategies are so obviously so desperate that most husbands see right through this and respond in the exact opposite way that you’d hoped.  Instead of suddenly seeing you as desirable, they can see you as unstable. So below, I’ll discuss what I think a last ditch effort to save your marriage should include.

Look At What Has Or Hasn’t Worked In The Very Recent Past: It’s an unfortunate truth that much of the time, wives who feel like they’re at the point where a last ditch effort to save their marriage is necessary will usually continue with what they have been doing all along, but in a more dramatic way.  They sometimes feel so much frustration at not being heard that they will just try to deliver the message louder, with more intensity, or in a way that they hope means that he can’t possible ignore them any longer.

But, if you’re trying things that haven’t worked in the past, you’re likely to get not only the same result, but a result with a stronger negative result from your husband.  It’s not likely that what hasn’t worked in the past is suddenly going to start working simply because you’re laying it on a little more thickly.   Instead, you’ll often do a little better if you can rationally look back and determine which efforts resulted in something positive and which were a disaster.  Can you see any situation when he responded at least somewhat positively?  Because if you can, this is a vital clue as to the strategy that you should be using right now.

For example, many wives should notice (but sometimes don’t) that coming on very strongly will often result in their husband being less receptive, while approaching him in a calm and cooperative manner will often results in him being more receptive.  I can’t say that this is always true, but usually it is true more often than not.  People have a tendency to recoil away from things that inspire negative reactions or inspire them to be defensive, while they tend to welcome or be receptive to the things that make them feel more positively and less conflicted.

Men will often reject dramatic behaviors because they just don’t feel comfortable invoking those types of negative emotions.  They would rather see a smile on your face and be approached in a positive way.  Now, I know this may not make any sense to you.  Many wives will tell me how silly it seems to approach things from a positive place when their marriage may be on it’s last legs.  But, sometimes you have to place your focus more on the results that you want and vow to do whatever it takes to get you there.  So, if you’ve seen negative results from making promises or debating or trying to bring on the guilt, then it makes sense to stop that.  If your husband has shown a little more compassion or been more receptive when you’ve backed off some, then that’s the strategy you should focus on right now.

Frankly, Your Behaviors And Your Actions Shouldn’t Make It Obvious That This Is Your Last Ditch Effort To Save Your Marriage: Here’s something else that I can not stress enough.  Whatever strategy you are using should not be so obviously desperate or “last ditch” that your husband is going to be tempted to discount it’s sincerity because he thinks you’re just doing whatever you can to get your way.

And it’s for this reason that I suggest you get the whole “last ditch” idea out of your mind.  Because when you are afraid that you only have one chance left, then there’s a real risk to take on a mind set that forces you to act the unstable way that scares men.  And you lose the confidence that is often necessary to pull this off. So, you are often going to be better off just telling yourself that you’re going to approach this in a way that you both can be comfortable with and know that if you keep at it and you are meant to be together, it will eventually work out.

I have seen so much more success (and had more success in my own situation) when the wife approaches this in a calm and confident way.  Rather than “fighting for” your marriage and taking a combative stance, approach it in a different, more cooperative way.  Partner with your husband to work together.  Show him a woman that he can feel comfortable working side by side with because he isn’t going to met with drama or conflict every time he’s in a room with you.  Say what you truly mean and don’t make over the top declarations or promises.  Speak from your heart and be calm but sincere.  Don’t try to save your marriage overnight because this just isn’t believable or realistic.  Instead, just focus on making small improvements and concessions that ring true and make your husband want to see and interact with you more.

No, this isn’t a last ditch effort.  This is a more gradual plan that has a much higher success rate in my own experience. As I’ve alluded to, my “last ditch effort” to save my own marriage failed because my husband saw my behaviors as unstable and over the top.  It wasn’t until I calmed down and approached it calmly and methodically that I got the results I wanted and saved my marriage.  If it helps, you can read more of that very personal story (and a somewhat embarrassing one too) by visiting http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: Some wives know exactly when their husband is moving out for a trial separation, and other wives are surprised when he does. But, in both scenarios, most of the wives are incredibly sad and overwhelmed. No one envisioned this detour in their marriage, and it can be very difficult to focus on anything but the fact that you are now in your house all alone. It is very easy to focus on what you’ve lost and what you might lose still in the future.

Wives often want to know how to best spend this day or cope when it feels as if the walls are closing in. Someone might say, “I knew this day was coming. My husband told me exactly when he was moving out. It wasn’t a surprise. I tried to prepare for it. I even helped him pack his things. However, when today came, it hit me hard. It is so quiet in this house right now. I can still hear the sound of his car driving away, and I contrast that with the silence I hear right now it makes me very sad. I don’t know what to do with myself. I have tried to read, but I can’t concentrate. I’ve read the same sentence multiple times and not comprehended any of it. I’ve considered calling someone, but I know I’ll sound pathetic. And I don’t need people to pity me. I want to call my husband, but I feel like it would be better for him to call me since he’s obviously busy moving in. I am counting the hours until I can go to bed and end this day, but then I realize that I’m going to have to sleep alone and that is also a horrible thought. How do I best cope right now?”

The answer to this question depends on your personality and your comfort level with the various options available to you, but I can offer some suggestions in the hopes that a few of them will ring true.

If Being At Home Is Too Painful, Give Yourself a Reprieve: I know wives who have stayed with family or best friends for a few days after the start of a separation so that they wouldn’t have to be alone.

I know others who have booked themselves a night or two at a favorite out-of-town spot for the same reason.

Still others have gone out to see a movie or have dinner with friends, only coming home well past bedtime to limit the amount of time they know that they will be alone on that first night.

For these folks, it is better to limit the amount of time that they spend alone, at least initially. I find that this is typically the case for extroverted folks who are open to lots of support or new environments, which certainly isn’t going to be the case for everyone, but can work well in the right situation.

If You Stay Home, Permit Yourself To Do Whatever Feels Best: Some people feel the need to just hole up and be by themselves to process their thoughts and experience whatever feelings that come without a witness. And there is nothing wrong with this, as long as you are not dwelling on the negative, and allowing your mind to go to the darkest places.

Many wives sleep on the couch watching TV that first night. Others practice self-help or soak in a hot bath to distract themselves. Others partake in escapist behaviors like reality TV or novels they wouldn’t normally read, and this is perfectly fine. It’s important to be gentle with yourself, with the idea that better days are ahead.

Don’t Expect That Things Will Only Deteriorate From Here: In my observation and own experience, it is much easier to cope if you vow that you’re not going to just accept that this is the beginning of the end. Plenty of couples eventually reconcile after a separation. Some will tell you that their marriage is much better as a result. Others don’t reconcile but admit that they are happier.

You don’t have to just expect that your life is about to get a major downgrade. You can make the best of the days ahead, and see the opportunity in them so that there is room for growth and improvement no matter what happens.

Move Heaven And Earth To Help Yourself And Spur Growth In Any Way That You Can: I was determined that some good was going to come out of my separation. I made a list of things that I wanted (and knew that I needed to do) on that very first night. And I eventually took some classes, went to counseling, and allowed myself to partake in things I had long put on the back burner of my life. You now have the time to do things that are going to help you become a better version of yourself and that is never a waste.

Some wives will go to counseling with their husbands. Others will go alone. Whatever you decide to do, choose to spend your time on the things that will help you to thrive, cope, and grow.

Never allow yourself to give into isolation, loneliness, and despair. Get out there, invest in yourself, and let in the people who still love you.

Speaking of love, try to maintain a good relationship with your spouse and agree on a regular schedule to check-in or touch base. Doing so will remove some of the uncertainty that can make your separation painful. Clarify expectations so that you don’t have to guess and can focus your attention on things that will actually yield dividends and improvements.

I know this first day may be rough, but it hopefully won’t always be like this. There can be enlightening changes and uplifting improvements that are just around the corner. And you’ll be in a better position to reach out and grab them if you keep your spirits up and focus on making this as easy on yourself as you can.

I don’t want to insinuate that it was smooth sailing for me.  It definitely wasn’t.  I almost blew it, but I eventually got myself together and we did reconcile.  You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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