Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many of the wives who visit this blog believe that their husbands never loved them. Some believe this claim because of his behavior. Others believe this because he has initiated a break or separation. And some believe this because he has straight up told them.

The husbands who claim not to love their wives often do it during a fight or in times of high conflict. Someone might say, “whenever husband and I get into a pretty bad fight, he will say that he’s not surprised that we don’t work as a couple because he never loved me in the way that a husband should love his wife. Once, he told me that he ‘settled’ for me. I started to cry and asked him how he thinks this makes me feel. He claimed to be sorry, but then said he was just trying to be honest. Then he’ll say that it’s never going to work between us because the feelings just aren’t there. This confuses me because I know I’m not crazy or delusional when I say that there are times when I deeply felt his love. I have memories of him crying when we started a family. I have memories of him staring deeply into my eyes with so much love reflected back at me. I don’t believe that I was imagining these things. But perhaps I saw what I wanted to see. Why would someone do this to another and marry someone that they don’t love?”

I will try my best to answer this question below, but first I’d like to explore why a man might make this claim when it actually isn’t true. 

He’s Trying To Hurt You or Trying To Get a Reaction: It’s no coincidence that your husband is making this claim when you fight. You’re most likely to get this claim when he is frustrated or he is trying to get a reaction out of you. Often, he feels that the two of you are just going around in circles and nothing is getting resolved. So he may say something shocking or hurtful in an attempt to make you finally pay attention.

Or he may be trying to lure you into a reaction. Sometimes, people crave a negative exchange when they are truly angry. This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you, but it means that he’s quite angry at the time and he’s not getting the response or reaction that he hoped for.

If this is ringing true for you, ask yourself if you or your husband are continuing to have the same, old unresolved fight. Often, he’s trying to hurt you because he desperately wants to break this cycle so that something actually changes. By bringing about real change, you might be able to avoid these hurtful (and often untrue) comments.

He May Be Trying to Convince Himself that He Doesn’t Love You:  Sometimes when you continue to have unresolved, nasty fights, your husband is trying to convince himself that nothing will ever change and that he needs to take some action.

When this happens, he will sometimes attempt to convince himself either that he doesn’t love you now or that he has never loved you. By doing so, he’s hoping that it will be easier to take a break or distance himself from you, or whatever else he is pondering. 

Don’t make this easy for him. Don’t fall into the trap of acting unlovable so that has justification for his actions. 

Instead, try to have good humor and grace. Try to uncover what is really under this claim of his.  

Is he trying to get you to pay attention to what he’s saying? 

Is he trying to scare you into finally making that change he’s been waiting for?  

Is he trying to get you to open your eyes to a problem that is right in front of you?

Don’t make it necessary for him to need to make dramatic claims to see real change. 

Legitimate Reasons People Have For Marrying Without Love:  As I said before, I think it is most likely that your husband doesn’t legitimately mean that he doesn’t love you.

I find it very rare for a person to stay in a marriage or other committed relationship for a very long time without love. I find it even rarer that someone would actually actively build a family, a life, and a home if there was no legitimate love present. That’s just a bridge too far.

But for argument’s sake, let’s play along. 

Sometimes, a man will convince himself that he has fallen out of love with you when he’s about to pursue a break, separation, or divorce. If he can convince himself of that, then the task is easier. 

And other times, he’ll take this a step further and convince himself that he never truly loved you at all, so that all of this is a mistake that should have never happened from the very beginning. 

Of course, I’m not completely naive.  

I know that there are cultural reasons that people will get married to someone they don’t love.  

I also realize that some people are pressured into a marriage that they don’t want.  

And sometimes, a person will marry someone who they are extremely fond of, but perhaps not madly in love with. However, in those cases, the love will often grow over time. So even there, it’s not 100% truthful for him to say that he didn’t love you.

My hope with this article is to show that a husband claiming to have never loved his wife is usually not without some ulterior motive or kernel of untruth. If your gut is telling you that he’s posturing and that you have genuinely felt his love over the years, you are probably right. 

Rather than obsessing over his feelings, ask yourself what you can do to take concrete action that will improve things so that he no longer has to make these outlandish claims to scare you into taking some action.  

I wish I’d followed this advice. My husband claimed to love me all of the time before we separated. This unfortunately DID NOT scare me into taking action and I almost lost my marriage until I woke up, changed course  and saved my marriage.  The rest of the story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on When We Fight, My Husband Says That He Never Loved Me Like He Should. Why Do People Marry Someone They Don’t Love?

By: Leslie Cane: I’m going to try to be gently but brutally honest. It is rare for me to dialogue with someone who is separated but completely coping with a sense of peace and contentment. Even if you feel that the separation was the right or only thing to do, most people still struggle emotionally. There’s no easy way to say it. A separation can be a painful time in your life.

Even when you know or hope that the separation might turn out positively, it still hurts to change your living situation, your relationship, and your life so dramatically. It is often incredibly lonely, and sometimes downright scary.

You don’t know what the future will look like. You worry that you will be divorced. And you know for certain that you don’t want to start over or endure the awkwardness of dating strangers. You also don’t want to take the baggage of a failed marriage into the next relationship.

It is no wonder that one of the most common questions that I get concerns the best way to deal with the pain or overcome it.

I have some answers for this. And I came by some of them the hard way. I don’t know if they will work for everyone, but they eventually helped me, once I finally admitted that I needed to be responsible for my own well-being and sense of peace.  It also helped to change my focus on transformation rather than lack.

Don’t Go Through This Alone: I went through a period where I was wallowing in self-pity and negative emotions. I resisted the help and love of everyone close to me, claiming that I would rather be alone. Needless to say, isolation only deepens the pain. Let people in. Let love in.

Here are some additional things I wish I’d known when I was dealing with my own painful separation.

Accept That There May Not Be An Immediate Resolution: One of the things which caused me the largest amount of frustration was expecting things to resolve more quickly than they actually did. I wanted my husband to come home as soon as possible, and I didn’t consider what he wanted or needed. Honestly, at the time, I didn’t care.

The truth is, the separation probably won’t resolve until most of the issues are addressed and/or fixed to the satisfaction of both parties. And this process does take time, not to mention you have to make enough progress where you’re both actually willing to do the work.

Sometimes, the person initiating the separation needs some time and space before they’re even ready and willing to step up to the plate and work with you.

So there can be quite a few hoops to jump through before you begin to make progress.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to take a deep breath and know that you are going to need patience.

Impatience breeds pressure. And the pressure will cause your spouse to pull away even more. Don’t make things harder on yourself by trying to rush.

Do Whatever Is Needed To Bring Pleasure Into Your Life: When I was separated, I started walking. And I didn’t just walk in my neighborhood. I took to walking on pretty trails, and forests, and places I’d never visited before. Walking allowed my brain to focus on lovely things so it could rest. I found a bit of quiet, and peace.

The things that bring us pleasure differ among us. Some people will find pleasure in creating things. Others like to be entertained. I know someone who adopted a puppy. (And he brought much love and laughter into her lonely home.)

Give yourself permission to partake in what you want to do, when you want to do it (and not what you think you should do.) Sometimes I took walks when I thought I should be exercising or journaling. But you know, those walks were every bit as beneficial as what I “should” have been doing. And they gave me something to look forward to.

I was more than my marital status. And you are too.

Get Outside of Your Cocoon and/or Comfort Zone: It is normal to want to wrap ourselves up and lick our wounds all alone. We don’t want to intrude on the lives of our friends and loved ones. We don’t expect anyone else to entertain us.

But when you begin to feel this way, ask yourself if you’d be more than willing to spend some extra time with a separated girlfriend. What if your sister were separated? Would you be willing to invite her out for dinner to raise her spirits?

Of course you would. So always embrace the opportunity to see friends, learn something new, or get slightly out of your comfort zone.

The separation will be a little less painful if you use it for personal growth and try to have some fun every now and then. This isn’t as likely to happen if you stay at home watching Netflix every night.

Let your loved ones love you.

Get Help if You Need It: I feel no shame sharing this. I went through some very dark days during my separation. Looking back, I dwelt on what I didn’t have rather than what I had. I had zero patience, so I couldn’t see that the future might look very different (and better) than the present.

As a result, I had trouble seeing what I had to look forward to or where I should place my marital focus. I felt pretty lost. And I saw a therapist and remained under her care until I felt more stable. This helped tremendously, and I was and am very grateful for this care. Please seek help if you know (or even suspect) you need it.

Try To Become Closer to The Person (and Spouse) You Want to Be: I think we all know that it makes sense to work on ourselves when we are separated. After all, if we’re not willing to grow or improve, we’ve wasted an opportunity to make the separation meaningful.

But many of us only change the external things we believe that our spouse would like to see. Think long and hard about what YOU want to see. Think deeply about what you could do on your end to make your relationship better.

How can you get closer to being the partner that you yourself would like to have? If you can do this, then it’s much easier to sleep at night because you know that you’ve done everything that you can.

There’s peace in knowing that the rest is out of your hands, and you can accept what comes because you know that you’ve put your best effort into this.

Do Your Best and Let It Go: This leads me to the point that I’d like to leave you with. In some sense, there is relief in just letting go. I eventually had to embrace the idea that I could (and would) do whatever I could to put myself in the best position to reconcile. (And I went through several strategies and mistakes before I finally got there.) But beyond this, there was only so much I could do. So when I did, I had to let the rest go.

You are only one of a pair. So only half of this equation comes down to you. Put yourself in the strongest position you can. Don’t allow yourself to suffer loneliness when you can reach out to those who love you.

And then just surrender. When I let it go, that’s when things changed dramatically. And that dramatic change eventually lead to reconciliation.  You can read about that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Dealing With Marriage Separation Pain

By: Leslie Cane: Most separated people intuitively know that communication is vitally important if you want to reconcile and save your marriage. Unfortunately, though, communication can be among the most tricky issues to get right.

Often, both spouses are dealing with separate, individual issues and agendas during the separation. And these opposing views can cloud how one spouse interprets what the other is saying. This type of disconnect can be most problematic when you are trying to use communication to move closer to your spouse. But in reality, miscommunication is moving you further and further away. 

Someone might say, “I honestly cannot talk to my separated husband without something going terribly wrong. It wasn’t like we were communicating well before our separation. Not being able to effectively communicate is one reason that we are separated now. But things have actually gotten significantly worse. I know that it is important for me to try to bring more positivity into our interactions. So that is what I’ve been trying to do. But when I make any attempt to have a nice or positive conversation, he accuses me of being sarcastic. When I try to bring up a genuine concern to him, like about our kids, for instance, he downplays it. Then he tells me that I am head of the household temporarily and that I can’t run to him for every single small issue. It is like he thinks that I am making excuses to talk to him and that he is determined that everything I say must be wrong. I’m only trying to include him in our lives. I’m trying to stay in communication with him so that we still feel part of a team. But he shuts me down no matter what I say. What can I do?”

Some of this is just par for the course when you are separated, but you are right in thinking that you need to establish positive communication as soon as possible. Talking can be one of the most effective ways to restore intimacy. And there could be many possibilities as to why he is thwarting intimacy and blocking communication. 

I will discuss these below, as well as offer tips as to how you might handle this. 

He Feels Guilty, Disappointed, or Other Negative Feelings That Are Clouding How He Reads Your Message:  Even when men push for and want a separation, many are let down once it actually happens. Sometimes, despite his posturing, he may feel guilty and selfish for initiating this. 

He knows that the separation is affecting his wife and children in a negative way. He knows that no matter how careful he is, this is still a big life adjustment for everyone. And he initiated this.

So the guilt and fear that he feels about his part in this might cloud his communications with you. Because of this guilt (and perhaps the knowledge that he treated you unfairly,) he may reflect this in his responses to you.

For example, if you innocently ask him about a topic relating to the kids, he may see that as your attempt to make him feel guilty about the kids. Because he already feels guilty, so he can’t see anything else. 

Likewise, when he believes you to be sarcastic when you are sincere, he may fear you are manipulating him, and potentially keeping him from getting the space or time that he wanted.

In other words, it’s not that there is anything at all wrong with your delivery. Or the tone of your voice. It’s just that his headspace right now means that you are going to have to be careful not to step into the minefield of the issues that he may be struggling with – but doesn’t want you to know about. 

Make Sure What You Say Is Clear and Free of Any Manipulation: To be fair, some wives do attempt to manipulate their separated spouses during conversations. I know because I did it. And I believe it’s completely natural and understandable. You want your words to have an effect on him – whether that is for him to miss you, to feel affection for you, or to wish things could be different.

But the truth is, early in the separation, he may not be ready for that just yet. He may be still trying to get a bit of perspective and space. So he may be extra sensitive to any attempts to manipulate him with words or behaviors. He may even see manipulation when it isn’t there. So it’s important to be as transparent and forthcoming as you can.

For example, make sure that when you bring up an issue, it truly is important and you truly do need his input. Don’t ask him about things which you’ve already agreed were off-limits. Don’t make up excuses to call. (I say these things only because I did every one of them, and this only made things worse for me. ) And I completely understand why they are tempting. But once you do these things, your husband is going to doubt the sincerity of everything else you say.

You might also try to ease into conversations that you know might be taken incorrectly. For example, you could try something like, “I need to talk to you about the kids. I think it’s an important issue that we both need to address together. Is this a good time?”

This allows your separated husband to have more control over the conversation and to not feel ambushed or manipulated. 

Don’t Fall Into The Trap of Engaging and Making This Worse: It’s very easy to get defensive in this situation. It’s very easy to ask your husband why he’s flipping around everything you say. 

But that will likely only make it worse. Resist the urge to engage with him. If communication is truly off the rails, limit the damage and come back at it another day.

Once things begin to get better with his individual negative feelings and issues, communication may begin to improve. And, in time, you will hopefully learn how to navigate these setbacks and, sometimes, even use them to your advantage.  Sometimes, you really CAN use them to your advantage.  You can read about how I learned to do this at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Separated Husband Misinterprets Everything I Say: Tips to Make Him Understand You 

By: Leslie Cane: If you didn’t want to separate, it’s normal to be relieved every time your separated spouse reaches out to you. After all, you want to be receptive. You want to be somewhat available. You want to be in touch and in communication so that hopefully, this separation will only be temporary. 

But what happens when you begin to feel that your spouse is reaching out not because he wants to see or communicate with you, necessarily? But because he has his own agenda, that has nothing to do with you or your marriage?

Someone might say, “As embarrassed and as sad as I am to admit it, I jump to attention when my separated husband calls or comes by. I want his attention. I want him thinking about or seeing me. I am desperate to reconcile, and he knows this. In my heart, I know that he is much less motivated to reconcile than I am. And I believe that this may be why he is using me. I am not sure what to do about it. Appearances are extremely important to my husband. He has developed a reputation as a trustworthy family man who puts his family before anything else. This has helped him have success with his career. He doesn’t want people to know that we are separated – not even his family.  He is the one who initiated the separation even though I begged him not to. But because he felt strongly that he needed some time on his own, we are essentially separated on the down-low. He doesn’t want his workplace or his clients to know. Because they all like and respect me. He doesn’t want his family to know. Because they all love me. So he is constantly asking me to make appearances with him and act like everything is okay. Occasionally, when he’s feeling like he wants someone to praise him or he wants to brag about an accomplishment, he’ll invite me out to dinner. A couple of times, we’ve even slept together at the end. Unfortunately, though, these get-togethers never lead to any improvement between us. Once he’s gotten what he wants from me, then we’ll go back to the way things were. Until the next time. He’ll go silent on me until he has another obligation. I am torn about what to do. I’d never cut him off because I know that we need to be in communication if we have any chance to reconcile. But this makes me feel used. And I’m not sure how to go about making it any better.”

This is indeed a tough spot. You can’t do anything to completely alienate your husband because the attention that he shows you during some of these outings could bear fruit eventually. So we need to figure out a way to make these down-low get-togethers work for BOTH of you, not just for one of you. I’ll offer some suggestions about how to do that below. 

Try To Get Him To Do An Exchange: The biggest downside with your current arrangement is that he goes silent on you when he doesn’t need you for anything. You need to balance this with some actual improvement or progress. So the next time he asks you to attend an event with him, offer him a quid pro quo. Make sure there is something in it for you. 

For example, if he tells you that he needs you to attend a business dinner with him, say, “I’d love to if you agree to take me to a movie next weekend.” Of course, you can fill in the blank with any activity that appeals to you. Perhaps you’d like for him to come over and just get a pizza and watch Netflix. Maybe you just want an hour or two to take a walk and talk. Whatever you’d like to do, I think it’s only fair for you to ask for reciprocation. 

Even better, the outings that you have choose for pleasure rather than business can actually enhance your relationship because you are free to be playful and lighthearted in a way that you may not be during business or family obligations. 

Don’t Feel That You Have To Say Yes 100% of The Time:  When I was separated from my own husband, I eventually realized that I was being too accommodating. My husband reached out to me so little, that I took to reaching out to him all of the time. I was the only one who ever initiated communication initially. So on the rare occasions that he reached out to me, I jumped to attention. It didn’t matter if he gave me no notice. It didn’t matter if it was something I didn’t really want to do. And it didn’t matter if his motives didn’t benefit me.

Thankfully, I eventually realized that all of this over-accommodation was contributing to my husband not seeing my true value. He didn’t have to be on his best behavior or give anything because I was requiring absolutely nothing from him.

So every once in a while (and especially if he’d been particularly rude) I’d work it in somehow that I had something else to do. When this worked well, I actually went out of town to get some strategic distance. This was actually a new strategy that worked for me. This helped my cause much more than my continuing to come running every time my husband called. Of course, I always made it clear that I was still invested and ultimately wanted to reconcile. But I also wanted it to appear that I respected myself enough to not be a doormat.

Of course, there is a fine line that you have to walk. You want to maintain contact with your husband. And sometimes that means accommodating  him when he needs you. But, this should be a give and take. You should definitely feel like you’re getting something in return. And you should definitely feel like there is a way to use this to your advantage as a way to move toward reconciliation. 

Otherwise, you will feel resentful and your husband will feel entitled. And that doesn’t do either or you (or your marriage) any favors. 

I found that what DOES help is to work on yourself so that when you see or communicate with your husband, he senses that something has changed. Think about it. Something DOES need to change for your marriage to change. And this can be an important first step. To see how I used this as my starting point, check out https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Feel Like My Spouse Is Using Me During Our Marital Separation. Tips That Might Help When You’re Separated on the Down-Low.

By: Leslie Cane: It’s very common for me to be asked what is the best, most effective, and easiest way to fight for your marriage while you’re separated. How can you fight in a way that might actually save your marriage and make your life better rather than worse?

I honestly believe that most people expect me to offer them various strong responses such as:

• they need to get tough with their husband;
• or they need to force him into seeing their worth;
• or they need to make him jealous so he will miss them and realize that he’s been wrong all along. 

Would you be surprised that I don’t suggest any of these? And the reasons for this are very simple. I’ll outline them below

Any Strategy That Seems Manipulative Is Likely To Fail: During my own separation, it became very clear to me that trying to “make” or “get” my own husband to do anything was just about the very worst thing that I could do.  

My efforts ranged from desperate to reaching to fake. It is usually not my personality to play games, but boy did I try to play them then. 

My husband isn’t stupid, and yours likely isn’t either. He knew full well what I was doing. And so he was going to do everything in his power to show me that he wasn’t going to be manipulated by me or anyone else.  

Honestly, it brought out the worst in both of us. And it made my goal of saving my marriage seem that much more hopeless.

Don’t Offer Him Uphill Battles: If you understand nothing else from this article, please understand this. Much of the time, husbands who separate do so because the whole process of fixing your marriage just seems overwhelming. For whatever reason, he has come to believe that there are too many problems, and they seem too difficult to solve.  

Therefore, how do you think he’s going to respond to any strategy where you have to buckle down and “fight” for your marriage? Likely not very well. He’s going to think that this is only more of the same.

He doesn’t want to fight.

He doesn’t want a huge amount of intensity in his life.

That’s why he’s bowing out – at least temporarily. So what does this tell us?

Creating An Ease Between You Is Better Than Fighting Any Day Of The Week: It seems counterintuitive to slow your roll. Especially when you already feel that you are running out of time. The instinct is to get the job done immediately. The inclination is to make progress right away. But sometimes, you gain more ground when you aren’t actively trying. 

Lower your expectations, especially in the beginning.

Instead of wanting to be back together by the end of the week or the month, tell yourself that you’d like just one positive encounter in the next couple of days. Honestly, if you back up just a bit and lessen some of the tension, I guarantee that you have a much higher chance of this happening.

Figure out a way to genuinely talk to him about something benign but pleasant. Repeat this process as his receptiveness will allow.

Most often, this will disarm your husband. He’ll be intrigued as to why you’re acting so differently, and he will be more receptive to you. This receptiveness is what is going to allow you to make progress later.

“Fighting” For Your Marriage Usually Means A Firm Departure From What You Tried Before:  I would never tell anyone not to do counseling, soul searching, deep communication, and the like. Those things can be invaluable – when your marriage and your husband are ready for them. But if you and your spouse were churning the same old problems and were getting nowhere, take a break from that process. Stop repeating the same things that got you nowhere. 

This may sound silly, but you are often better off taking a walk with the dog and just talking about light-hearted current events rather than grilling him about where he is on your marriage or separation.

You are better off asking him his opinion about the latest book he’s read and really listening instead of asking his opinion about what went wrong with your marriage.

There will be time for this when both people are READY and WILLING to get down the work of saving the marriage. But when you are separated, that time hasn’t yet some. You need to create a willingness between both people before that happens, which brings me to my next point.

Wait Until He’s Fully Willing Before You Begin To “Fight” For Or Rebuild Anything:  I know that I’m asking you to have patience and that you want to spring into action now.

But I also know firsthand from my own mistakes during my own separation that you will save yourself a lot of heartache and time if you wait until it’s very obvious that your husband is willing to work with you on your marriage.  

If he’s at all reluctant, you’re wasting your time to try to force him. You are better off continuing to try to build goodwill between you until he is willing and not shy about letting you know it.

I know that this isn’t as easy as it sounds. I know there will be times when you will disagree with your husband. Or times when you wonder what he’s doing with his free time and emotional space. There will be times when you’ll feel insecure and worried and fretful. It’s a challenge to remain upbeat and receptive during these times, but you have to consider the end game and keep your eye on the prize. 

By creating goodwill and an easy rapport, you’re completing step one. When your husband sees that the two of you can get along and actually enjoy one another’s company again, then he’ll begin to believe that maybe your problems are not insurmountable after all. 

And THIS is when you can really make meaningful progress that might save your marriage. 

I understand that it feels wrong to hang back and to just try to make things more cohesive and pleasant. You feel like you’re delaying your progress. But what you’re actually doing is creating a foundation. And little by little, you’re going to move forward as you are able.

You’re going to go from pleasant conversations to looking forward to seeing one another to eventually having the breakthroughs that are going to allow you to save your marriage.

And even better, it won’t feel difficult. It will feel easier and effortless. And that is by design.

I know it sounds a bit odd. But changing my thinking in this way truly did allow me to approach saving my marriage in a way that actually worked when we were very close to divorce. You can read the rest of the story at  https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Why The Best Way To Fight For Your Marriage While Separated Is Not To Fight At All

By: Leslie Cane: Many of the people on this site did not want to separate from their spouses. Therefore, most people here desperately miss their separated spouse. But they aren’t sure what to do with those feelings. Should they share this information? Or keep it bottled up? After all, isn’t it a good bet that the partner who initiated the separation won’t feel the same way and may therefore rebuff or even reject the partner who is doing the missing?

Someone might say, “My husband and I are getting along okay during the separation that he wanted. And by okay, I mean that we are cordial and aren’t fighting. I am grateful that we do communicate. It isn’t as much as or as warm as I would like, but we do communicate regularly – which is somewhat due to our children. We want to make sure that our situation is healthy for everyone involved. That said, it doesn’t feel completely healthy for me. Separating from my husband is basically my worst fear and dread come true. I am so lonely. I am so frightened. I feel so compromised – like I’m only running on half a tank because part of me is gone. I miss him so much that sometimes I can honestly think of nothing else. I forget things that I would otherwise remember effortlessly. I’m making silly mistakes at my job. I want him to know how this is affecting me. I want to tell him how desperately much I miss him, but I suspect that this might be a mistake. I am trying to come off like I am handling things, but I honestly don’t know if my husband is buying it or not. I hate feeling like I’m not being honest. He’s my husband and, in a perfect world, I feel like I should be able to tell him anything. Should I tell him that I miss him?”

You know your husband better than I do. You would probably also have a better handle on how he might react. But, I can definitely offer you some things to think about before you decide whether to come out with it. 

How You Handle The Delivery Is As Important As What You Say: This may sound odd, but there is a big difference in an “I miss you,” said in a kind of desperate or pleading tone that is meant to guilt your husband or elicits pity. If you have any inkling or fear that your “I miss you,” will come off like this, then I’d say nothing at all. 

Likewise, if you’re going to tell him that you miss him like it’s a surprising development, I’d avoid that too. If we’re being honest and pragmatic about this, he is your husband. He knows that you didn’t want the separation, and he probably already knows that you miss him. Pretending that you don’t probably won’t fool anyone.  

Understand Why It Could Go Wrong So You Won’t Step Into Common Mistakes: A husband who wants space or time apart isn’t likely to react in the way you want to anything that makes him feel selfish or worse about his decision.  

So if your aim is to let him know that missing him means you’re struggling, I honestly would not advise it (although read on for when I WOULD advise it.) He may think that you’re trying to manipulate him. You are toying with telling him in part because you want to be (and feel) closer to him. But making him feel negative emotions is likely to have the opposite effect. 

If you’re going to make this announcement, you need to make things BETTER and not worse. 

Sharing That You’re Missing Him Strategically:  Since he likely already suspects how you feel, you have to ask yourself if you can gain anything by vocalizing it. In other words, if you are going to do it, you want to do it strategically. You want something positive to come out of it. 

Some wives inadvertently do this by telling him they miss him to gauge his receptiveness (which could work if done correctly.) Others feel momentarily needy and let it spill out (which often doesn’t work.)  

However, if you aim to tell him sincerely that you miss him in a kind of nostalgic, and wistful way as you continue to live your own life, it could work to show him your resistance, strength, and determination (which could be of value.) You could also say it matter-of-factly as though you wish things were different and then they go about the business of coping and carrying on. In this case, you’d be portrayed from a position of strength rather than weakness.

 It should be clear that you don’t have any agenda other than to just share your feelings, with no expectations of changing or influencing his feelings. 

Can You Say It In A Flirty Or Funny Way That Might Actually Make This Work Further In Your Favor?:  Better yet, if you can say it in a flirty or funny way that actually gets a laugh or a light-hearted, or even flirty reaction from your husband, then you’ve actually used this painful feeling to your advantage – to advance your position. That’s more than a win.

For example, if your husband helps you with something around the house, you could say, “you know, it’s handy having you around. I miss the heck out of you.” Or if your husband makes you laugh you could try, “I’ve missed this. I haven’t laughed this way since you left.”

Options like this definitely communicate that you miss him, but they aren’t desperate and they encourage him to come back with his own light-hearted one-liner if he wants to. The communication isn’t loaded or pressure-filled, so it is less likely to backfire. 

I hope that you see the difference. Unfortunately, I know all of this because I came off as desperate and needy during my own separation. Obviously, this didn’t do me any favors and I almost ended up divorced. It wasn’t until I learned how to play the game a little better that things change. You can read the rest of the story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Is Saying, “I Miss You,” During A Marital Separation Wrong?  What’s The Right Way To Tell Him?

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who visit this site very reluctantly even consider divorce. Most want to save their marriages, so they only agree to divorce when it seems clear that there is no path forward. Often, it is actually the husband who wants a divorce, and the wife only consents when it is clear she can’t change his mind. 

Such was the case with a wife I heard from recently, who had reluctantly agreed to divorce, only to dramatically change her mind once the reality of ending her marriage sunk in. She said, in part, “Now that we’ve begun to live separate lives, I feel like a huge part of myself is gone. The thought of never having him in my life just makes me so incredibly sad. This whole thing feels so wrong, and I suddenly realize that the problems which seemed so enormous could be broken down into smaller issues that we could resolve in time. If I could have my husband back right now, I’d happily overlook every single flaw. Unfortunately, things are not as straightforward as just my changing my mind. It appears that he’s moving on. A mutual friend told me that he’s said he’ll start dating again soon. So now I worry that my time is running out. Do I just tell him how I feel before it’s too late?”

Considerations About How And When To Tell Him: This is a tough one. Because if the husband clearly felt the same way, the choice would be obvious. But his feelings are likely not clear if he’s truly “moving on.” And if the husband wasn’t on board with calling off the divorce, he might reject the wife or even limit her access to him.  

On the other hand, if the husband shared the wife’s feelings, and could therefore be convinced to change his mind, then the couple would have a chance to reconcile. 

I believe there’s a way around this catch 22 that will maintain both the wife’s dignity and the husband’s autonomy, which I’ll describe below. 

Be Very Deliberate With What You Say And When You Say It:  Instead of just blurting out your feelings without knowing the likely outcome, you have the option of moving slowly and looking for clues about your husband’s feelings before you just come out with it. 

Because there is definitely going to be a right place and time to broach this topic. 

You need to find the optimum time in a cordial conversation that reflects the history between you. (Don’t do this at the first sign of harmony. Wait until things repeatedly feel easy between you.) Pick a time when you’re both at ease and enjoying yourselves. When you feel that the time is right and he may be receptive, you can try something like, “What a shame all of this is. If we had gotten along this well a few months ago, we may never have pursued a divorce. At times like this, I wonder if we made the right call or if we’ll regret divorcing someday. There have been days where I’ve already regretted it.” 

Notice that this statement is carefully crafted. The wife didn’t press the husband for his feelings or do anything to make him feel guilty if he didn’t share her musings. She simply stated her own feelings and left things open-ended so that her husband was free to pipe up if he wished, but he wasn’t pressured to do so. 

Carefully Evaluate Any Response: After the wife spoke, she should then listen very carefully and watch very closely for his response. 

What he says and how he says it offers very important clues about his feelings about (and intentions towards) a divorce. For example, he might attempt to diffuse the wife’s hints by saying something like, “I think we’re getting along now because the pressure is off due to the divorce. And I don’t think we’ll have any regrets.” 

With that type of response, the wife would know that it’s too early to share her feelings. The better call would be to try to improve the relationship even further before broaching the topic again. 

However, if the husband agrees with the wife, or admits that he’s been feeling the same way, now we’re cooking with gas. 

You’re not going to know which reaction you’ll get until you put your own feelings out there in a calculated, but careful way. 

That said, don’t be discouraged if you don’t get the reaction that you were looking for. That doesn’t necessarily mean defeat. It just means that you either have a bit more work to do, or you brought up the topic a little too soon. In which case, work, time, or both still give you a chance. 

Consider Having A Plan Before You Confess Your Changing Feelings About Divorce:  I’d like to mention one more consideration and option. As much as I hate to be a buzzkill, I’d like to caution you that very often, both people have hesitations about divorcing, but they still eventually do it anyway. 

Ending a marriage is a big decision that few people take lightly. Therefore, quite often, both spouses can honestly say that deep down, they don’t really want to divorce.  

Unfortunately, though, the feelings and wishes between the couple aren’t enough to keep them together. For whatever reason, one or both of them just cannot clear the deal-breaking issues between them. Often, there was never any concrete plan to identify and then make the needed changes to remove that dealbreaker once and for all. 

They also may have made the mistake of thinking that the feelings were enough, so they stopped there, and they didn’t finish the work. 

It’s very rare for a couple to be successful in the long term if they don’t finally effectively address their core issues. So now might be a good time to think about a plan to put in place BEFORE you even broach the subject of regretting the divorce. Your husband may be easier to convince if he knows there’s a workable and reasonable plan. 

I bring this up because I did not understand these principles, and I went in way too early, before I’d lain any groundwork with my separated husband at all. Thankfully, I was able to course-correct and came at it from another angle, and this eventually worked.  You can read about how I saved my marriage when it looked very doubtful at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I’ve Changed My Mind About The Divorce. Is It Too Late To Tell Him Now That He’s Moving On And My Time Is Running Out?

By: Leslie Cane: If there is anything that I’ve learned from writing about marriage and interacting with folks struggling in their marriages, it’s this: One of the most vital human needs is to feel seen and heard. And if you don’t feel seen and heard by the most important person in your life – your spouse – it can most definitely jeopardize your marriage. 

Someone might say, “My husband blows me off when I say this, but I believe that it’s true. He no longer really and truly sees me. And he no longer really cares to put in the effort to do better. When he looks at me now, it’s like he looks right through me. He doesn’t see the woman he married. I could be the lawn guy. Or the mail lady. I’m merely another person in his life who does things for him and whom he must manage. I’m the lady who does his laundry and raises his children. But I’m no longer the person he shares his worries and his feelings with. It’s like he doesn’t respect me enough for that anymore. Admittedly, since I’ve stayed home with the kids, even I see myself differently. Intellectually, I don’t really have an outlet so I depend upon my husband for things like that. But he doesn’t have time for me anymore. It’s like he thinks I’m dumb now or just not worth the effort anymore. I know that staying home with our kids is important, but sometimes I do regret it. My husband most definitely treats me differently because of it. At the same time, I know that this home would fall apart without me. I know that my husband could never handle and keep track of all of the things that I handle. So I do see the value in what I do. But it seems like no one else does. There are times in the evening when I am so tired and spent, and yet he doesn’t even see it. When I see him struggling, I make a point to find out what is wrong and try to help him fix it. But he thinks I should have no problems whatsoever since I’m at home and living what he thinks is a life of luxury. It feels disrespectful and dismissive. And I’ve noticed him looking at other women when we’re out to dinner or flirting with the waitress, which he never used to do before. How can I stop this trend before it destroys my marriage? How do I get him to see me again?”

Don’t Be Complacent. Seek Out Important Changes To Obtain The Happiness You Deserve: If I had money every time someone asked this sort of question, I would be rich. Although the answer isn’t an easy one, I do think that this problem is fixable.  

You must change the circumstances and the environment so that you’re giving yourself a fighting chance. You can’t function in the same old way and expect a new response.

In this case, it might mean to get out of the house without the kids so he can again see you as an alluring individual who has something important to say. Once he is doing this regularly, I’m going to guess that he’s going to start really looking at (and listening to) you again.

Talk about things that have nothing to do with your household and your kids. 

And I know what you’re going to say, because I’ve used this excuse too many times to count. You might say something like, “But I can’t just pretend my kids don’t exist. I can’t just turn off my obligations.”

I know that you can’t. But you probably can for just a couple of hours once or twice a week. You can’t expect him to not see you as a mom or the keeper of the house or the organized taskmaster when that’s exactly the environment he sees you in most of the time. 

Make Sure Intimacy Is Regular And Satisfying:  This is cliche and even crass to say. But honestly, the easiest way to get a man to really look at you (adoringly, even) is to rock his world regularly. This sounds deceptively simple. But I know firsthand that it’s not so easy to rock his world when things aren’t so great at home. 

Understandably, you may worry about awkwardness and rejection. It can be very scary to allow yourself to be so vulnerable as to be the one to approach him in a playful and even an aggressive way. But I promise you that there’s a very good chance that he is not going to complain. I can also promise you that if you are sharing physical intimacy, you have a MUCH greater chance of sharing emotional intimacy. Therefore, you have a much greater chance of him actually seeing and hearing the real you. Men who are regularly getting their sexual needs met generally find their partner much more interesting and alluring.  

I know that fatigue and family obligations can be a factor in this, so you may need to encourage him to give you breaks in exchange for increased intimacy. Most men will take that trade any day. When he sees there is something in it for him, he is much more likely to step up to the plate. (And he’ll also come to see that you most definitely aren’t living in the lap of luxury all day.) 

If You Want Him To See You, Make Sure That He Believes That You’re Seeing (And Making Time For) Him: I know you believe that you make the effort to notice his struggles, but make absolutely sure that he also believes this is true. Sometimes, our perception is the opposite of our spouses’ perception. So while you may think that you’re being incredibly attentive, your husband may perceive that all of your emotional attention is going to the kids, house, job, or whatever takes up the most of your time. I know that this type of spousal jealousy and score-keeping sounds awful, but I cannot stress how common it is. In fact, it is so common, I’d say that it’s the exception rather than the rule, so it makes sense to ask yourself if it is possible in your case. 

Taking The Initiative Doesn’t Mean That You Don’t Share The Responsibility Equally: Please don’t think I’m laying the responsibility for being seen at your feet. I’m not. It would be wonderful if your husband would realize that he should do pay more attention on his own. But let’s deal with reality. The fastest way to get your needs met is to control the only person you can – yourself. If your proactive behaviors make him more likely to give you what you want, then what is the harm in taking the initiative?  

It may feel unfair at first, but you know what is going to make the process feel much better? Being truly seen again, as soon as possible. 

You’ll be happier, he’ll be happier. There is very little risk or downside.

I wish I’d taken my own advice. I had to learn this the hard way. I became complacent and it almost led to divorce. I had to allow myself to be very vulnerable again to save my marriage. That story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Husband Looks Right Through Me And Doesn’t See Me. He Doesn’t Value My Worth, And It’s Jeopardizing My Marriage. 

By: Leslie Cane: Although many of us dread the worst happening when we separate or concede to giving our spouse “space,” or “time,” most of us really want to believe in a happy outcome. In our heart of hearts, we want to believe in happily ever after and in families that find a way to stay together. 

That’s why, even if it looks like divorce might be possible one day, many of us hold out hope that our husband is going to change his mind. We hope that one day, he will see all of this more objectively and will realize that splitting up a family is just wrong. Or he will see that our relationship problems can and should be fixed. Many of us hold out this type of hope when things begin to look quite dire. And we’re still shocked when he announces that he still wants a divorce or plans to go forward with it. 

Someone might say, “I can’t sit here and say that my husband was dishonest with me during this rough patch in our marriage. He told me that he was unhappy as soon as he noticed a shift in our marriage. And then he asked for a separation when he felt that the shift could not or would not change. I tried to talk him out of separating because I was very fearful of anything that would break up our family. And my husband told me that he was hopeful that the separation would only be temporary. I am still not sure if he was dishonest about this to only get me to agree. But this assertion gave me hope that he wasn’t completely on board with ending our marriage and that it might be safe for me to hold out a little more hope. Well, last night I feel like he really dropped a bomb on me. We weren’t fighting. Nothing had gone wrong. But he told me that he is still considering a divorce, although he hasn’t filed anything, retained an attorney, or taken any concrete steps toward an actual divorce. I am so stunned and shocked by this. I guess in my mind, I thought that my husband just had some things to sort out on his own, but that ultimately, he loved our family and he would change his mind about a divorce. I feel like I gambled when I allowed him to walk out the door for a separation. And now I have potentially lost my marriage over that gamble. If I lose my marriage, I do not know what I will do.”

It May Help To Adjust Your Perspective: I am not sure that you have to accept defeat yet. Your husband has not taken any real steps yet toward a divorce. He could if he wanted to, but he hasn’t. This means that there is still time. 

I also am not sure I agree with your idea that you gambled and lost. When my own husband asked me for a separation, I was sure that accepting it would be the same as divorce. And yet, fighting my husband on the separation and refusing to work with him brought us closer to divorce than the separation ever did. I honestly think that trying to work with your husband is almost always going to give you more access to him and more goodwill with him – both things that you need to avoid a divorce in the long term. I ended up seeing the separation as something that I didn’t want – but also something about which I had absolutely no choice. If I didn’t give it, my husband was just going to take it via simply leaving me and then possibly filing for divorce. By going along, and I bought myself some time, which is part of the reason I am still married.

I hope you see my point. Even if you thought he would change his mind, I’m not sure that you had much of a choice about the separation if your husband was dead set on wanting it. 

This Is More About Making Necessary Changes Than About Any Game Of Chance:  Comparing a separation to gambling implies that you have no say or influence on the outcome. While you admittedly cannot make your husband think or feel anything, I believe that your behaviors and actions most certainly CAN influence his thoughts and feelings.  

What’s more, if you can change or begin to improve those issues that make your husband want a divorce, then you’re not gambling anything, you’re taking positive, concrete actions. 

Honestly Is Vital As You Evaluate How To Make Progress Moving Forward:  So how do you begin to make the most important changes that might change his mind about a divorce? You get brutally, and sometimes painfully, honest. Define why your husband wanted the time apart in the first place. Although this is very individual to each couple, a loss of intimacy, a sense of restlessness, a lessening of commitment/effort, and a loss of connection/excitement are all very common issues and decent places to look. If you have a good handle on WHY this went south, then the way out and HOW to fix it becomes obvious. 

Your Biggest Questions and Obstacles Moving Forward: Your most important questions are: 1. What would your husband want from you to bring you closer together; and 2. How could you display those qualities considering that you don’t have constant access to him? Admittedly, it can be challenging to show your husband that you’ve become more attentive, less controlling, more willing to compromise, etc. (fill in your own blanks) when you don’t see him every day. 

That is why you have to make the most of the opportunities that you do have. I know that your sporadic conversations can seem inconsequential. But they don’t have to be. Know that if you can create positive communications about the small things, you can grow this goodwill so that eventually, you are making progress about the big things. Yes, it is a gradual process that requires patience. Yes, it will require you to move deliberately and thoughtfully. Yes, you must have a long-term plan that you’ll have to carefully implement in tiny steps. 

But I am an example of how it can work in practice. I believe that my husband was very close to doggedly pursuing a divorce. And I was very close to just accepting this as my sad fate. But I decided to try a few more things. And that made all of the difference. I believe that there is nothing particularly special about the things I did or how I did them. You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Thought My Husband Would Change His Mind About The Divorce. It Seems I’ve Gambled. And I Might Lose.

By: Leslie Cane: There is an assumption that when a man seeks a separation, he will be blissfully happy with relief once he obtains that same separation. And this is certainly true of some men some of the time. It can sting to see what appears to be him living his best life when he isn’t living that life with you.

Sometimes, though, you’ll get the opposite behavior. The husband is not only very obviously unhappy, but he’s also downright angry. Wives often struggle to understand this disconnect. Why is he so mad when she’s given him what he wants and is trying to comply with what he has asked for?

She might say, “I’m confused and upset by my separated husband’s behavior. When he asked for the separation, he said that he felt like he needed this time apart to sort himself out and improve his life. He sold it to me by saying that hopefully, we would both come back together stronger and happier than ever. I tried to talk him out of this. I delayed. I debated with him. But no matter what I did or said, he would not back down. He seemed to become more and more unhappy and resentful the longer that our stalemate went on. So it was clear that I really did not have a choice. I honestly thought that once he was rid of me, even temporarily, he would let the good times roll. But every time I see or talk to him, he’s sulky, evasive, and angry. I’ve asked him if I’ve done anything to make him mad or to offend him, and he says I haven’t. I’ve wracked my brain to determine if there is anything I might have said or done, but honestly, there’s not. I’ve heard him raise his voice to friends. I’ve seen him cross his arms and sulk like a toddler to neighbors. I don’t understand this. The separation is what he wanted. Why isn’t he happy now? Why is he so angry?”

These are important, but often difficult, questions. That said, I definitely have some theories about this. I’ve seen many men exhibit anger upon separation. It is actually pretty common. Here are some common reasons why.

His Unhappiness Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With You Or Your Marriage: Women often feel responsible for loved ones. We are only as happy as our least happy family members. If our kids wake up on the wrong side of the bed, we sometimes either assume responsibility or try to fix it for them. The same can be true of our husbands. But very often, other people’s unhappy experiences have absolutely nothing to do with us. Therefore, we often cannot fix their issues. Only they can do that.

Likewise, your husband may be angry because of something about which you know nothing. It may not have anything whatsoever to do with you. If he’s telling you that you are not the source of his anger, give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him. He may clear this problem tomorrow on his own, which means that you’ve worried and taken this onto your shoulders for nothing. As my aunt used to say, there is no sense in borrowing trouble and worry. Of course, you want to continue to watch his behavior, but if the source has nothing to do with you, then just let him handle it.

The Separation Isn’t Playing Out In The Way That He Asked: Sometimes, men are angry during the separation because it isn’t going the way that they envisioned it. Perhaps they asked for some time completely alone before regular contact. Maybe he thought that he would be the one to call you, but you are calling him to say goodnight every single evening. Perhaps you are constantly asking questions that he finds invasive. Whatever the reason, sometimes a man perceives that you aren’t holding up your end of the bargain, but he feels resentful to have to spell that out for you. Even if he is denying that this is the case, ask yourself if this is a possibility. Or try a trial of backing away some to see if that improves things.

He Isn’t Experiencing The Relief That He Hoped For: Many men go into their separation hoping that the break or space (or whatever vernacular they use) will solve all of their issues. They believe that they’ll wake up in their own place full of relief and ready to make a fresh, new start. They don’t realize that all of their issues and troubles are going to follow them wherever they are.

Without working on or solving any issues, you’re going to deal with the same things and experience the same level of unhappiness no matter where you live.

And, of course, this realization can be a bitter disappointment. He may now realize that not only is he still unhappy, but he’s created a bigger issue now that he is separated. So yes, this realization can bring about disappointment and resentment.

He’s Openly Displaying His Unhappiness Due To Some Agenda: I am listing this option last because I believe that it is the least likely. But, I do have to mention that some men will posture as being unhappy during the separation simply because they don’t want their wife to know how they are really feeling.

Maybe he believes that if you knew that he was perfectly content, you would have hurt feelings, or will ask questions, or want an explanation, so he pretends that he isn’t happy to avoid this.

I’m not saying that it is true, but it does sometimes happen.

How To Best Handle His Discontent: First of all, ask yourself if this is truly your problem. If you didn’t cause it (and you need to be honest with yourself about this,) and he must be the one to fix it, then I’m not sure there is an effective option but to let him know that you support him and are there to help him in any way you can if he needs or wants your help.

Beyond that, you’re likely stepping into not respecting his need for space. I think it best to try to back away a little and to let him know you’re there. And then just trying to maintain positive and supportive communication while waiting for his unhappiness to abate as the situation improves.

If you can convince him to go to counseling or to work with you if any mutual issues are causing unhappiness, this can help (assuming that he is willing) but sometimes you just have to bide your time, which was the case in my own separation. I often made things worse with my own refusal to wait. Thankfully, I finally understood that I was only making things worse, and got down to the business of saving my marriage.  You can read about how I did that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Why Is My Husband So Angry During The Separation When He Wanted It In The First Place?