Leslie Cane Articles

I recently heard from a wife who was desperate to save her marriage but who had a very difficult situation on her hands.  Her husband had made it very clear that wasn’t happy in the marriage and he was pushing for a separation.  In fact, he was pushing so hard that he told the wife that he planned to move out next weekend.

He wasn’t sure if the move was going to be a permanent one.  He told the wife that he just wanted some time apart to see how he felt about her and the marriage and he felt that moving out was the best way to accomplish this.

Needless to say, the wife was crushed.  She said in part:  “I’m completely devastated that he’s moving out and I don’t know what to do.  I’d been working hard on saving my marriage but I don’t know how this is still going to be possible with him moving out.  How can I make things better if I can’t see him, talk to him, and physically be with him?  It seems to me like it’s completely impossible.”

I promise you that it’s not impossible.  I know this because I have done it.  After making numerous stupid mistakes and many starts and stops that make things worse,  I was able to save my marriage after my husband moved out.  I will share with you some of how I was able to do that in the following article.  At the end, I’ll tell you where to go for more information, should you need it.

Your Husband’s Moving Out Does Not Mean You Can’t Save Your Marriage.  In Fact, Sometimes It Actually Helps You Save It:  First of all, you really do have to believe that you can save your marriage right now. If you don’t, this really does cloud your judgment and your actions and it doesn’t do anything to help you convince your husband of the same.

If you approach this process with fear and dread, you are not in the best position to change anything.  As difficult as it might be, you have to give the impression that you are confident that your husband is going to realize that your marriage is one that can and should be saved.  It took me a long time to realize this and even longer to learn how to play it correctly.  But it really is an important piece of the puzzle.  So what happens if you’re not sure if you can save your marriage?  Fake it until you make it.  It’s just that important.

Allow The Time Apart To Work For Your Marriage, But Make Strategic Use Of Meetings And Communications:  There’s a fine line between communicating too much during the separation and not enough.  The whole idea of the separation is making sure that your husband misses you and the marriage.

Because once this happens, you are going to have a much easier time making your marriage eventually work.  But this can’t happen if you attempt to communicate too much.  I know that it’s very tempting to want to talk to, see, and interact with your husband all of the time.  But it’s usually not a good idea.

Now, with this said, you shouldn’t ignore your husband or expect him (or even want him) to think that you are having the time of your life without him.   He will likely know that you aren’t genuine anyway.

But you really do have to strike a balance between too much and not enough.  Because one of your goals should be to leave each encounter, conversation, or interaction making sure that you leave a good impression on your spouse so that he wants to continue on.  Ideally, he looks forward to the next conversation, the next meeting, the next text, etc.

If you over do it, these things can’t happen.  He will likely start avoiding you instead.  So, find a way to have one interaction, make sure it goes well, and then wait an appropriate amount of time until the next one.  If you can, it’s even better to eventually allow him to be the one who is initiating the contact because this makes him more invested in saving your marriage.  You really do want him being a willing participant.  It’s the only way to know that he’s working with you to save your marriage because he wants to – not because you finally wore him down or you “convinced him” where he was wrong.

So How Do You get Your Husband Interested Again When He’s Moved Out?:  This is probably one of the most common questions that people ask me.  They just don’t believe that it’s possible to get their husband interested in or in love with them again when they’re separated.  It is possible.

But to have the best chance of it, you have to pull together all of your strength and call upon your best self.  What I mean by this is that right now, it’s vital that you show your husband the women who used to take his breathe away.  You want to show him the vibrant, fun loving, caring person who turned his head – not the scared one who doesn’t know where to turn now.

People respond to (and fall in love with) other people who make them feel good about themselves and their situation.  That’s why it’s so important that you stay upbeat – even though I know that you suspect you will miss him desperately and you’re scared to death to lose him and the marriage.

I know this plan seems risky, but it puts you in a much more favorable position than allowing your fear, doubt, and desperation to show.  You know that he loves you.  But, the circumstances are such that he doesn’t remember it – or he doubts it.

So change the circumstances and do this successfully and then you have a real chance to change his perceived feelings.  I know this because it was my reality.  I had to play this correctly to save my own marriage after my husband moved out.  And he didn’t just move out.  He wanted a divorce.  It was a long climb back but I eventually did save my marriage.  You can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you are separating, you often fear what your husband will do and who he will see while you are apart. Of course, you know there is a real possibility that he will see someone else. After all, you’re no longer living with him and you can’t keep constant dibs. So you might spend a lot of time envisioning and then dreading this.

That is why, when the day comes and you actually find out that he’s seeing someone else, you’re often not surprised. Disappointed and sad, yes, but not surprised. Still, this doesn’t mean that you just want to accept it, or that, somewhere deep down, you don’t want to fight for him, even if you understand why he’s seeing someone else.

A wife might say, “This is going to sound really weird, but I completely get what my separated husband sees in the woman he is dating. I’m devastated that he has chosen to date. I would never do that because I am still committed to our marriage, but I get why he is. To be honest, the separation is mostly my fault. I made some horrible mistakes. And my husband just couldn’t live with them anymore. I can’t necessarily fault him for that. I’m very sorry for my actions, and I’ve tried and am trying very hard to make it right. But it may be too little too late. I know the woman he’s seeing. She’s quite lovely. She’s very honest, and that’s more important to him now than ever. I get that. He thinks he’s going to get from her what he didn’t get from me. I saw them out last weekend. They honestly looked happy. If he wasn’t my husband and I didn’t still love him, I would be happy for them, as weird as that sounds. But I do still love him. Ultimately, I want him back. I know it may take a while. I know that I may have to wait and work hard, but I’m willing to do what it takes. Is this selfish? Should I just let him be happy with someone else?”

Why It’s Not Selfish: I don’t think this is selfish at all. He is your husband. You are not divorced. And you don’t know how long he will be “happy.” Plus, you don’t know if he actually is. Appearances can be deceiving. He may feel excited about the novelty. But it is a new relationship and they don’t know each other very deeply. How truly happy can he be yet? Or, if he thinks he is, things can change. As the relationship evolves, he may realize that it is not for him. Or he may realize that he misses you.

I don’t think you need to throw in the towel because you’re worried about being a fair competitor. He is still married. The woman who is dating him should know that. Therefore, you are well within your rights to try to take back what is still yours, but you need to be careful trying it.

Sometimes, You Just Have To Give The Appearance of Waiting:  It might not go well if you just approach him right now and demand that he give her up. You could tell him that you are surprised that he moved so quickly if you think he would take this into fair consideration, but if you think he’s going to give you any pushback at all, then you may have to let this run its course while at the same time you are trying to improve your relationship with him and biding your time.

Frankly, it would be very rare for this other woman to be “the one.” She is most likely just a rebound diversion.

You want to maintain a good relationship with him so that you have the access you are going to need to eventually try to rebuild your relationship, and this is just going to take time. If that means you wait until this relationship fizzles out, so be it. For a rebound relationship, it should not take long.

You Don’t Have to Put Your Own Life on Hold:  When I say that you may have to wait for things to fizzle, I don’t mean that you need to wait around and not live your own life or pursue your own self-improvement. You’ve said that you made mistakes, which means that you have plenty to work on. Now would be a good time to do that, since you have some extra time.

You want your husband to see that you’re taking care of yourself because you have self-respect. Believe it or not, this influences the way that he perceives you. And you don’t want to be perceived as the woman who is just idly waiting for him to get tired of his current situation.

You have to be flexible and strike while the iron is hot or back off when it is not. Your first goal is to maintain a good, playful, caring relationship – even if it is not romantic RIGHT NOW.

It not being romantic right now does not mean that it can’t be romantic later. I definitely had to wait during my own separation – for much longer than I wanted to. But I did eventually get my husband back. I learned how to maximize my wait time and make it work for me. And my husband respected the work I did and began to look at me a little differently after I did self-work.

So no, it wasn’t romantic for us during the early stages of our separation, but that eventually changed as I made some changes. Eventually, it turned very romantic and we are still married today.  You can see how I finally managed that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I know from experience that one of the things that takes up most of your thoughts when you are separated is wondering whether or not your husband still loves you. To that end, you almost become detective – like, always looking for clues that might indicate that, although you are separated right now, he still feels love for you. Because if he still loves you, doesn’t this increase the odds that you will eventually reconcile or get back together?

To demonstrate, I might hear a comment like: “I hate to be one of those wives who are overly clingy during my trial separation. But I guess I am becoming one. Because I am always looking at his behaviors and his actions that might be indicative of love. If he hugs me, I wonder what he means by this. If he compliments me, I wonder if it is a good sign. Sometimes, I find some things that give me hope, but other times, I feel like he is just trying to be nice. What are some signs that your separated spouse still loves you?”

It’s difficult to give universal signs because every husband’s personality is different. My husband didn’t give me a lot of the signs that I am going to list below, but he apparently did still love me because, after I tried some new strategies, we did eventually reconcile and we are still going strong. I mention this because I don’t want for you to think that your husband definitely doesn’t care anymore if you don’t recognize any of the signs below.

But, I do get a lot of correspondence from people who eventually reconcile that indicate the same behaviors over and over. Even though I’m going to list some of those, I do want to stress that not seeing these doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t love you. It may mean that he isn’t demonstrating it. He could be trying to push down or deny his feelings. Or, he could be trying to keep you from seeing them. At least for right now.

He Still Shows Concern For Your Wellbeing: Sometimes, wives find their separated husbands still taking care of household chores or spending money on things that she wants or needs. Or, she might see concern on his face when they chat or visit. The thing is, despite our very common fears, love doesn’t stop, end, or pause just because you separate or take a break. Some men are better about demonstrating this love than others. But even men who are trying to hold back will often show their love by still wanting to take care of things for you. So, you might notice that he’s still taking care of his part of household chores and expenses and that he regularly asks about how you are doing and wanting to make sure that you are OK.

He’s Trying To Gauge Your Feelings Or Your Lifestyle: Men who are indifferent to their wives generally don’t care what their wife is doing or feeling. You don’t see them becoming angry or asking their kids what mommy is doing on Friday nights. Many angry wives contact me because their separated husband is demanding to know what they are doing and acting jealous. These same wives are understandably confused and a little frustrated because he was the one who wanted the separation and yet suddenly he is demanding answers from her. I understand the frustration. But this can honestly be a good sign. If he didn’t care, he wouldn’t be showing curiosity or jealousy.

Despite His Best Efforts, He Gives You Loving Gestures: Many separated husbands are on their guard. They aren’t sure what they are feeling and they don’t want to send you mixed signals or confuse you. Even still, many husbands who still love their wives can’t help demonstrating loving gestures, even if they are very subtle. It could be brushing your back. Smiling at you. Or even opening your car door. Anything that is demonstrative of caring feelings can be a good sign.

Some Signs That Seem To Show He Doesn’t Care Can Mean Just The Opposite: Some men are well aware that they still love their wives but they are trying to deny or repress these feelings. Some men admit that, at least for right now, they wish that they didn’t still love their wives, but they know that they do.

So he may push you away, say mean things, not come around, or act downright rude to you. But that is just his attempt to keep you at a distance because he is trying to sort out his feelings and he finds the whole process overwhelming. I’m sorry if all of this is confusing. But a separation is a confusing time. Some men are pretty transparent with their feelings. Others try to deny them or keep them hidden.

Generally speaking, if you are seeing very negative emotions from him, it’s not always a horrible sign. Strong emotions are indicative of emotions, which is good. I am more worried when I hear about a husband who is indifferent. Because not caring at all is probably not loving at all.

As I alluded to, my husband didn’t show many of these signs.  He was trying to project an image of uncaring.  His jealousy was the first sign that he did in fact care.  But I read the signs all wrong. If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people are surprised when they start having sex with their separated spouse. They’d assumed that sex would be off-limits or that it would be forced, awkward and bad.

They may be pleasantly surprised to find that the sex is not only a bit more frequent, but it’s good. 

One of the spouses might say, “My husband and I have been separated for a couple of months. Before he moved out, we barely had sex. And when we did, it wasn’t good sex. It was mechanical, robotic, and not very exciting. 

One night after we’d separated, we’d been drinking, and we ended up having sex, and it was some of the best sex we’d had in years. After that, we started having sex relatively regularly, and it’s always much better than the sex we had right before we separated. It makes me wonder if the separation was a mistake, which I’ve thought of all along. My husband was the one who wanted to separate. And I think that the good sex we’ve been having just proves that we should still be together. I want to try again as soon as possible, but my girlfriends caution me that I shouldn’t try to push my husband too hard since things are going a little better than expected with the sex.”

I have to say that I agree with your girlfriends somewhat. I know that having good sex right now feels reassuring. You know that he still finds you attractive and is willing to be with you in an intimate way, and that undoubtedly feels good. But that good feeling isn’t the only thing to consider. It helps to think about why it’s happening and what it could lead to.

Why a Couple Might Have Great Sex While Separated:  I think one of the main reasons couples have explosive sex while separated is that emotions and libidos can be running high. When you may be heading toward an extended separation or divorce, you may become aware that you may never have sex with this person again, and that can make them more alluring. 

You also may be missing that person, and the absence of them can feel like an ache. So when you have a chance to erase that ache, of course, you are going to take it.

Additionally, some couples would truly like to reconcile one day in the future, and being intimate with one another is one way to test the waters toward reconciliation. If it feels right, then that may be a good indicator that at least there is hope and promise.

And it is a good indicator that the two of you still have chemistry and passion. You need that for an ideal marriage. But, as you likely already know, this isn’t all you need.

Using Sex as a Stepping Stone:  I don’t want to insinuate that sex isn’t a positive development. If you both feel good about it and want it to continue, I don’t see one bit of harm in it. However, having sex is addressing one issue in your marriage. But not any of the others that may have led to the separation. And it’s very common for there to be multiple issues.

Granted, I believe the sex actually makes it easier to address your other issues. Because as you restore intimacy, you are more receptive to one another and you’re more willing to cooperate to come to a resolution. But you should do the work to come to a resolution. If you just brush your problems under the rug, they are only going to come back. Or en intensify.

But at least now you have some inspiration and a reason to be hopeful. You have access to your husband – which means you should have the ability to talk through and address your issues when your relationship is ready to do so. 

That’s not nothing. That’s a large advantage that many separated wives do not have. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have to do the work. But it does mean that you have an “in” for the work. And the work may be easier because he may be more receptive to working with you. 

Wanting to Get Back Together:  If you’ve always hoped for reconciliation or even just decided that you want one recently, I see absolutely no reason to change your mind. The intimacy that you are developing now can certainly help to solidify that decision.

But just having sex with one another doesn’t mean that you’re back together unless you both agree that you are and you also both agree to put the work on your marriage aside.

Most of the time, sex doesn’t mean reconciliation. It’s a promising development, and it offers reassurance that the spark is still there. It certainly helps you suspect that getting back together isn’t out of the question. But it’s not all that is necessary.

However, it can serve as inspiration to keep right on going. It is progress that may help lead you to more progress. I would keep doing what you’re doing as long as both people want to and then slowly incorporate working on your issues very gradually as your relationship can withstand it.

You don’t want to address so many issues that it takes the joy out of the time you are spending together. But you can’t afford to ignore the issues, either. So you can just go gradually, little by little – until before you know it, you’re not only connecting sexually, you are also connecting emotionally.

I would have loved to have sex with my husband early on in our separation.  But that wasn’t my reality.  He wasn’t receptive.  I had to do a great deal of work on my own before he was ready to work with me.  You can read more about how I did it and how we eventually reconciled at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s probably not a surprise to anyone that emotions run high during a marital separation. It can be quite an adjustment for both spouses, and therefore, people can be unsure as to how they feel or what they want.

But that doesn’t mean that some people aren’t still invested in saving their marriage. Oftentimes, one spouse is really hoping to reconcile, while the other just isn’t sure or is open about the fact that they no longer feel the same romantic feelings. Not surprisingly, the spouse who wants to reconcile can be devastated by this change. 

She might say, “Honestly, I’ve had to force my husband to spend time with me during our trial separation. I admit that I am needy. But I’m so scared that we are going to end up divorced. So yes, I want a lot of reassurance. Today when I was with my husband, he was very cold. So I tried to get him to connect with me, and I guess I annoyed him with this one too many times because he blurted out, ‘I don’t even know if I love you anymore.’ So I replied, ‘Not at all?’ And he basically said he doesn’t know what he feels anymore. But he knows his feelings aren’t what they should be. I don’t know what to do with this. It’s like my worst fear is happening. I had hoped that he would realize that he loves me after all since he is away from me. But it seems the opposite has happened. And I don’t know how to make him love me anymore since he never wants to see me. I am starting to fear that all my hopes for us are just pipe dreams that I made up in my own mind because it is what I wanted, but it is definitely not what he wanted, and I’m devastated.”

I understand how bad this must feel. Although my husband never bluntly told me he didn’t love me when we were separated, his actions did the talking for him. There were long periods when he seemed to want absolutely nothing to do with me. And when I made the mistake of coming on too strong to try to nudge him to pay attention to me or give me any encouragement at all, he became angry and it only made things worse. So I understand how your husband’s behavior can feel like a rejection and how badly that can sting.

Things Can and Do Change. And People Can Be Mistaken:  Although I understand the pain of this, I also know something else. People say things that they think are true that aren’t necessarily true. Or, sometimes they say things that, while true at the time, also change in time.  

Frankly, my husband may have fallen out of love with me and not felt much for me during our separation, but he loves me now. Things changed. We made progress and therefore, his feelings evolved or he remembered how he felt all along. I’m not exactly sure how it happened because they were his feelings. But he went from avoiding me every chance he got to moving back home and recommitting to our marriage. So yes, I certainly believe that a separated husband’s feelings can change as things improve in your separation.

See the Opportunities. Not the Setbacks: Don’t give up. I know it is easy to become discouraged, but don’t allow this to make you panic or become overly desperate so that you make the same mistakes I did and make it worse. Try to tell yourself that this is early in the process. You still have time to gradually try different things to see if you can make some improvements.

You can also implement changes on your own so that when he does come around, you’ll be a stronger, better version of yourself. People often doubt that things you can do by yourself will make much difference, but they can. Because I had so much time to spend on my own, I took inventory of where I contributed to the souring of our marriage. There was plenty of blame to go around, but I was ready to own up to my fair share and then I tackled the issues that I could control.

Of course, there were plenty of things we needed to tackle together, but that had to be put on hold until my husband was willing. So while I was waiting, it finally occurred to me that there was plenty I could do on my own. And my efforts did make a difference.

It may help to focus on yourself right now and give your husband time. If you are constantly underfoot, he won’t have the time to miss you or realize the weight of your absence. Sometimes, it is wise to let him call you or at least let him wonder why you are taking a break from calling him. 

Don’t Let Uncertainty Become an Inciting Issue: I know that when you are separated, sometimes the last thing you want to do is to give it time. I know that what we all want is a quick resolution and the relief of knowing that we are going to stay married and aren’t going to get divorced.  

But what we have to understand is that the person who initiated the separation often isn’t sure of their feelings. So they’re going to take the time they need to evaluate. They’re likely in no hurry because they want to make sure they get it right. Trying to rush them will likely only make the process take longer. 

I know this is hard, and I know that living with uncertainty is very stressful. But unfortunately, you can’t make someone else do something. You can only create an environment that eventually encourages them to do something. And that is not impossible to do when you take it one step at a time and work methodically. But to work like that, you have to be focused and not panicked.

I know that’s easier said than done.  But when I was able to do this, things changed in my separation.  A shift happened in my husband.  And that was the beginning of him coming back.  You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: The economy isn’t great for most people right now. Inflation is up. Food prices are through the roof, and the cost of housing is at an all-time high in many places. Plenty of couples are struggling to support one shared home.

The current financial situation can pose challenges to couples who might otherwise split their households and pursue a separation or divorce. With the cost of living so high, it can seem impossible to support two households right now.  

And this can actually be good news for you if you want to save your marriage. But it can be bad news for the spouse who has one foot out the door. For example, if a wife wants to stay married, and the husband wants to separate, he can be very vocal about the financial reasons that are forcing him to stay.

A wife might say, “Our marriage has been struggling for several months. There have been brief periods where it seemed like things might have been better in our marriage, but they never lasted for long. It’s become increasingly obvious that he really, really wants out. I’ve tried to be more accommodating to change his mind about us, but it hasn’t really helped. The other night, we got into an argument, and I blurted out that I knew he was looking to leave, and he told me that he certainly did want to leave but he’s stuck because it’s too expensive to get an apartment, and we can’t afford to live separately.” 

“He then went on to list how much groceries cost, how much apartments cost, how much we pay for cars and insurance, and various other bills. As though I don’t know all of those things. I am the one who does the grocery shopping. He acted as if he is being held prisoner in an awful place because we don’t make enough money for the luxury of not living together anymore. This hurt me deeply. I wish I made more money. But not so he could leave me. And it hurts to think that he’s here when he’d rather be anywhere else. If he were to get a raise, I know he’d be out of here. He’s just with me by default. And he’s likely biding his time until he can afford to be rid of me. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with this news.”

Try to See the Advantage You Have: I’m sorry that this is happening to you. I know that it is painful and not the trajectory you want your marriage to take. But I have to be honest. There are some advantages here. If you’re going to be separated or facing separation, it is better to still have access to your husband. Once he actually moves out, he can do what he wants. He never has to talk to or see you. So you’re free to drift apart, he’s free to see other people, and you could face divorce before you know it.

This doesn’t always happen, of course. Sometimes, the space actually works for people. Or the wife comes up with a strategy that turns things around. My husband did move out when we separated, but we did eventually reconcile. Still, there were many challenges along the way. If I’d had access to my husband, the reconciliation process may have been more smooth and quick.

Given the choice between the two, I think it’s advantageous to still live under the same roof for many reasons. There is much less risk.

Determining What is Most Needed:  Although your husband is still there under your roof, he may not always be invested or attentive. It may help to take inventory and ask yourself what would most soothe this situation. In cases where you are fighting or there is tension, it may help to give each other a bit of space.

When you give space, you’re still living together, but you’re respecting boundaries and allowing your spouse to have that time and space that he may have hoped that moving out would give him. That way, he may come to realize that the grass isn’t greener in his own place. He’s getting some time without needing to take on the expense of another home to support.

Take Away the Tension: Another suggestion is to try to take away as much tension as you can. During times of marital strife, no one is having any fun. Both people are walking on eggshells, so your home starts to feel like an adversarial, tense place where no one wants to be.

But what would happen if you could change this? What would it mean if you could lighten up a little? What if you could laugh a few times per day? What if, over time, you could make things more light-hearted in your home so that the two of you could one day have a conversation that isn’t filled with tension and awkwardness? What if you could restore the ease between you?

Control Your Part: What if you could take an honest look at where you’re contributing to the issues in your marriage and you could remove those things to change the entire dynamic between you? I’m not in any way saying that any of this is your fault or that you’re the only one responsible for fixing your marriage.

But I am saying, from experience, that sometimes it makes sense to take charge and to change the things over which you have some control. Your husband likely isn’t going to let you change him right now. He’s also not likely to listen to your suggestions about what he needs to change.

But you can certainly take inventory of what you yourself can change. You can certainly start with yourself. You would be surprised at how impactful this can be. Sometimes, when your husband sees you taking the initiative, he will begin to be a little more receptive to working with you. He’ll see that you’re less interested in continuing to maintain the unsatisfying status quo and you’re motivated to make things more satisfying for the both of you. And that can mean a lot and be the first step toward real change and improvement.

You never know what the first step is truly going to be.  Mine came at the last time I expected it.  But because I never gave up, it DID come.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s always a huge plus when separated parents give their kids unlimited access to both parents during a separation. Being able to spend adequate time with both parents can make the transition a bit easier and can be reassuring for kids. Therefore, most separated wives are very relieved when their husband comes around regularly for the sake of the kids.

However, she can also have very hurt feelings when it is clear that he is coming only for the kids and that he has no interest in spending any time with her.

She might say, “I know I’m being a bit silly and petty, and I don’t want to be. But I’m so hurt at how my separated husband is acting when he comes over. And it’s selfish because he’s honestly being the great father my children deserve. But I had so hoped that we would be making some progress on our marriage by now. I still love him. I want to see him smile when he sees me, at least. He’s definitely smiling when he comes over here. But it is not for me. It is because he’s able to see his kids after not seeing them as much, which is understandable. He lights up when he sees them, and he’s relaxed and happy here. But he absolutely goes out of his way not to interact with me. He sort of looks at me like he thinks I should leave and give him alone time with the kids. But I don’t. I want to see him as much as he wants to see the kids. I try to be respectful. I don’t impede on or interrupt his time. But I wish he’d have even the slightest interest in interacting with me, and he doesn’t. Will this ever change? Or is he just establishing that he’s not in any way interested?”

Of course it can change. My husband showed absolutely no interest in me at the beginning of our separation, and I’m still married. Things can evolve during a separation, certainly. Right now, things are new and volatile. It can be normal that you aren’t seeing all the right signs yet. 

He May Want to Reassure His Children That They are His Top Priority:  It can be very hard for one parent to suddenly have to live under a different roof than their children. And that same parent can worry that the kids are feeling the same kind of difficulties. So his top priority might be making the kids feel loved and secure. And he may feel that he can tackle your relationship in the future. I understand that it doesn’t feel great when you feel like the last priority, but he may feel that the kids are less likely to understand what is happening than you are.

Don’t Delay Progress by Pushing: I know you might want to nudge him to pay attention to you and your relationship. It’s painful to feel ignored. It’s confusing as to why he’s not prioritizing you. But be very careful. Believe it or not, you do have an advantage. Your separated husband is very willingly coming over to your home. He’s relaxed and enjoying himself while he is there. That is huge. Sure, he’s enjoying himself because of the kids, but that’s at least something.

I hear from many people whose separated husband won’t even be in the same room with them. You can build on this comfort eventually. You don’t want to jeopardize that by making him feel awkward. You don’t want to jeopardize what he’s doing with his kids.

How to Gradually Encourage More Contact With You:  Right now, I would suggest allowing things to continue as they are for a while. This is somewhat new, so there is going to be an adjustment period, and he likely needs time to see that his kids are okay. 

Just try to encourage more comfort with you in the same room, participating in the same conversations, and interacting together as a family. Once that is comfortable and you are no longer getting the vibe that he doesn’t want you there, then perhaps you can ask him to have coffee when the kids are in school and it is just the two of you.

If he refuses, back up again. Keep things casual and make sure that he is still comfortable coming to your home. While you are waiting for things to change, work on your own needs and goals. He is not the only one who is having to adjust to a new way of life. So are you. Give yourself time and be gentle with yourself.

Self-Evolution: When I look back at my own separation, I realize that I’m not the same person I was then. As weird as it is to say now, some parts of the separation caused positive changes. It wasn’t easy. There were times when I felt like it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I was sure I was going to be divorced. I got depressed. I had to force myself to prioritize myself, to surround myself with positive people, and to remember that there were other important things going on in my life. 

But once I got myself together, I made some very positive – and needed – changes. Yes, I admit that I only made some of them because I knew I needed to for the sake of my marriage. But now that time has passed, I can see that the changes benefitted me as well. 

Be open to these types of changes, since you have some spare time anyway. Try to see this as an opportunity for improvement instead of a punishment. You do have some advantages that other separated wives do not have. So work hard not to jeopardize that while building slowly so that eventually, your separated husband is happy to see both you and the kids. 

I wish I could tell you that I took the right path during my own separation.  I did not.  I pushed, made a pest of myself, and almost jeopardized any chance at a reconciliation.  I’d be very happy if I could help others not make the same mistakes.  You can read about how I turned it around at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Most people expect that their marital separation will take some adjustment. There will likely be times when you are unsure, scared, and discouraged. That is to be expected. But not everyone expects seemingly everything to go wrong. Some people have so many unfortunate events during their separation that it begins to feel as if you can literally do nothing right in your spouse’s eyes.

A wife might say, “Honestly, I was very down on life and on myself as my marriage started to sour. I felt like a bit of a failure and that feeling only intensified as it became obvious that we were going to separate. I tried to go into the separation with a good attitude. I tried to tell myself that if I was upbeat about it, I had a better chance of a good outcome. But everything that I do is wrong. Every time I approach my husband, he acts as if my behavior is offensive. So then I will try to change tactics, but it doesn’t matter. It’s like he’s going to be resistant to me no matter what I do. This has depressed me more than I can express. And it has bled into other areas of my life. It has affected my self-confidence so I don’t do my job as well. I bail out on my friends. I’ve even scaled back on the time I spend with my mom. I feel like even my pets look at me with disappointment on their faces. I feel like I’m no longer competent. And I know this affects how I approach my husband and could potentially make things worse. But I can’t seem to help it. “

Don’t Blame Yourself: I understand the feeling. I had some of the same experiences. You want so badly to do the right thing at the right time. But please don’t be so hard on yourself. There is no perfect manual out there to tell you how you should behave during a separation. Such a thing would be impossible because everyone is different. What works wonderfully for one wife might be a complete disaster for another. Because every husband, and every separation, are also different.

All you can do is do the best you can. When one tactic doesn’t work, there is another. Unfortunately, though, we often can’t see that option, which leads me to my next point.

Don’t Make the Mistake of Thinking You’re Too Late:  When it feels as if everything is going wrong, it’s very easy to panic. You start to believe that nothing can right this train and that you are unavoidably headed for disaster.

This can cause a couple of reactions. Sometimes you will just freeze. You’re so scared of making a mistake that you just stop living your life or making any attempts at improving things because you’re scared that you will keep getting bad results.

The other possibility is that you will try over-the-top methods in an attempt to rein this in as soon as possible. You’ll think that you’re running out of time and you have to do something drastic right away. So you’ll keep ramping up your behavior to try to get something to change. And you run the risk of making it worse and turning your husband off even more.

Both of these responses can be troublesome because they either dig a deeper hole or they paralyze you. 

Taking a More Moderate Approach:  If your husband is not receptive to you right now, there is nothing wrong with taking a pause and taking care of yourself. You very likely need some care too. And frankly, if you don’t give it to yourself, no one else is going to right now. The good news is that self-care and self-improvement are never a waste. When your husband decides he wants to come back to the table, he will come back to a stronger, better, version of you.

There is no reason to put your life on hold or to take away the support system that is important to you. Instead, allow those people who love you into your life more and not less. Going out with friends, seeing family, and doing things you enjoy distract you from worrying about your husband and separation. 

And I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but your life consists of other factors besides the separation. Sometimes, it helps to focus on the places where you can excel, feel comfortable, and gain some positive feedback. Give yourself permission to do more of those things and to do less struggling about how and when to act with your husband. 

If there is one thing that I learned over the course of my separation, it was that I didn’t always need to think so hard about and analyze things. I actually brought about some worst-case scenarios because I couldn’t leave well enough alone and just allow for a natural pause. I learned later to focus on other things, but not until my mistakes caused additional issues that I needed to clean up.

Eventually, I allowed things to calm down, I focused on myself, and I got very insistent on my own self-care. Sometimes, this required me to literally force myself to do things. But every time I did this, I felt better in the end. So I just eventually made it a habit.

As I focused on other things, my husband did come around. And at that time, I changed strategies because I could. My failures early on didn’t mean that I was incompetent or couldn’t do anything right. My husband wanted his space. Nothing I did was going to change that. I should have given it more time, but I can see why I didn’t want to and I don’t blame myself. You shouldn’t either. 

You are not incompetent, either. You are the same person you were before the separation, but this is a very hard time for anyone to deal with, and you are doing the best you can. Be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself, and see where you are after a short pause. Husbands do change their behaviors and their perceptions over the course of separation quite frequently.

My husband did change perceptions with a little help from a new strategy from me.  It didn’t happen as soon as I would have liked, but it did happen.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It can be normal for couples to back away from daily, one-on-one interactions when they are separated. After all, the idea was to take a bit of time and space and to later regroup and see where things stand.  

Unfortunately, some spouses can take this to the extreme. They grow radio silent, and they can make you feel that they no longer care what you do, who you see, and how you feel. 

A wife might say, “before our marriage turned sour and before the separation, my husband and I were involved in each other’s lives. We cared deeply about the well-being of one another. Some of our friends probably thought we were too involved, but that’s okay. My husband always wanted to be invited to outings I was going to. He always wanted to know who I was with or what I was doing. And this wasn’t in an unhealthy and possessive way. It was just that he cared about me. I was the same way about him. But several months ago, things changed. He wasn’t happy and was very restless, so he wanted to pursue a separation. It wasn’t really nasty between us, except I tried to talk him out of it, and he didn’t want to be talked out of it. So there was conflict with that, but ultimately, there was no changing his mind. “

“Still, things remained pretty cordial. However, now that we live apart, he never asks after me. He doesn’t seem to care if I’m having a hard time or if things are going on in my life. One of our mutual friends saw me talking to a guy (who was an old friend from school and not a big deal) but I know the friend would have told my husband, and it got no reaction whatsoever. It’s like he doesn’t care at all. He seems to care less as to what I do and who I see. And I am the exact opposite. I care very much about his experiences. I want to know everything, but of course, I’m not given this information. He’s very secretive, and he resents that I ask. I am assuming that none of this is a good sign. Does this mean that he no longer loves me or is uninvested in me and that we will end up divorced? Should I try to get him to care?”

Not necessarily. It’s important to remember that how the separation starts isn’t always the way that it ends. My husband was very standoffish toward me in the beginning. He was borderline hostile, and I made it worse with some of my behaviors. Thankfully, I was able to clean some of that up, and in time, we got closer. And we are still married today, even though it looked bleak at times during our separation.

Know That His Behavior Can Change Over Time: People can have a change in thinking when they are alone for a while. In the beginning, things are new. There are adjustments. Feelings are fresh, and that can make things feel immediate or as if everything is all or nothing.

Your husband may feel like he SHOULDN’T care so much about you and so he’s trying not to. Or he may very well care, but he’s not eager to show those feelings to you because there is supposed to be some distance during a separation. Or maybe he’s trying not to care because he thinks that is the healthy option.

At this point, you just can’t know for sure. But you can be careful not to make it worse, which leads me to my next point. 

You Can’t (and Probably Shouldn’t) Try to “Make” Him Care:  People often ask me if they should do things to try to get a reaction out of their husband or make him jealous. I too was tempted to attempt these things. And there were times when I didn’t volunteer information to my husband because I didn’t think it would hurt to let him wonder.  

But I made it a point to not play serious games because experience taught me (when I tried those tactics) that they only made things worse. Most husbands aren’t clueless. They’ll know what you’re trying to do and they will not only resent it, they’ll just double down on not caring that much more.

I think the better play is to continue to show that you care about him. If you want him to care about your well-being, show him that you care about his. Always try to take the high road. Of course, I’m not suggesting you be a doormat or accept ill-treatment that you don’t deserve. Nor am I suggesting that you push if he’s not receptive to your communication. Sometimes, you just have to use your best judgment and back up just slightly if you have to. 

But some distance can be normal, especially initially. He may be feeling his way, even if he doesn’t realize it. He may even THINK that he truly doesn’t care, or hope that he really doesn’t care, but that doesn’t mean either of these things will be true in a couple of months from now. 

You can help yourself by practicing self-care and working on your own strength and resiliency. Additionally, if there are any marital issues that you can do something to remove, then that’s usually worth doing. Yes, many things require both people to work together, but not everything. You might be surprised at how much you can do on your own. I was definitely able to identify where I could have given more than I took and where I was being incredibly selfish.

Thankfully, I got the chance to rectify those things, and I got the chance to work with my husband on the things that still stood between us. But I had to have patience while I waited on some of my strategies to work and until he got over the initial resistance. You can read more about that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Some wives are pleasantly surprised to find that their separated husbands are more receptive than they feared during their marital separation. Despite any fears, he accepts calls, occasionally reaches out, and isn’t opposed to sometimes spending quality time together. Sometimes, he even talks about the future.

This all sounds really great – until you find out that this stance isn’t constant. It seemingly changes for no apparent reason. One day he will seem open to communicating with his wife, and the next he will act as if they are strangers or he’ll ignore her.

She might say, “Honestly, I was relieved a month or so into my separation. I’d seen separated friends who quickly divorced after they separated because their husbands would have nothing to do with them. I feared this would also be my fate, especially since it was my husband who wanted to separate. However, about three weeks into it, he started to come around. He started out returning my calls, and eventually, he called me some. We’ve seen each other a few times, and once he even cooked dinner for me. At the end of the night, he kissed my hand. There are times when we talk when he alludes to the future, and this gives me hope. So I start to think that just maybe we might make it after all.”

 “However, a week or two will go by, and then he will do an about-face. He will go silent on me, and he will act as if our progress didn’t happen. And then when I finally get him to pick up the phone, he’ll act annoyed when I ask him if anything is wrong. He’ll tell me that he’s just been busy, but I can tell that he’s colder than normal. I’ll ask him if I’ve done anything to upset him, and he’ll assure me that I haven’t. He’ll once again say that he’s busy, but it’s like he can’t get off the phone fast enough. I don’t understand. We were doing well, and now it feels like it’s all negated. Why would he go back and forth like this?”

This Can Be Normal Behavior: I know that this feels very discouraging, but if it makes you feel any better, it can be normal. I wish I could tell you that my progress was linear during my own separation, but it most definitely was not. There were times when it felt like my husband was never going to make up his mind, no matter what I did. There were times when he treated me worse than a stranger and times when he was downright nostalgic and borderline loving. 

The Reasons Behind It: There are many reasons that you may be seeing this behavior, but I think the most common is that sometimes he misses you or he feels like reaching out and other times he wants to stay the course, take his time, have his space, and just wait and see as to how this is going to play out. This is especially true when things are still somewhat new, and you haven’t been separated for very long. 

Many separated husbands feel like if you reconcile and things go back to normal too soon, then what was the point of separating?

His going back and forth doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve done anything wrong or that you’ve committed any errors or overstepped. It just may mean that it’s natural for him to want to take his time and make sure that you both evaluate deeply and tread carefully.

Finding Perspective:  I’m not going to tell you to look on the bright side. That would be condescending and silly. But I can tell you that not all wives have even sporadic contact and short periods of progress. They have radio silence most of the time. They don’t even have those glimmers of hope that you are getting.

I know it’s confusing and frustrating to you, but I feel I’d rather have some hopeful contact than none at all because that means if you have patience and play your cards right, then you may have constructive and positive contact once again in the future.

Handling This Prudently: Early on in my own separation, I would have forced myself on my husband in this situation. I’d hope that by pushing him, I’d nudge him to pay attention to me again. But I know from experience that would have only caused him to pull away. 

As I learned, you are arguably better off trying to remain positive when you do communicate. You are better off being patient. You can always try to initiate contact in a light-hearted, low-pressure way to see if he responds. But if he doesn’t, it is better to know that if you can make him think of you positively, the chances are good that sometime soon, he will miss you and will reach out to you again.

One of the biggest lessons I learned during my own separation was patience. I wanted it to end in weeks, but looking back now, that was never going to happen. And by rushing it and forcing it, I only delayed our progress. I only made my husband want to avoid me.

I know it’s challenging to have faith in the fact that he will come around. But he’s already shown that he’s willing to do so. He did not develop the doubts that contributed to the separation overnight, and he probably won’t overcome these doubts overnight, either.

You can help yourself by working on the solo issues that you can. I know that it takes two, but you can work on your own attitude, willingness to compromise, and perceptions of the issues you’ll have to tackle. Many times, spending some time apart will make you see things you couldn’t see before. It will change your perceptions, and eventually your attitudes and behaviors.  

You have time to work on these things while you are being patient. Don’t make the common mistakes that so many of us make and push before he is ready to move forward. Sure, you can be slick when you have his positive attention, but for now, you have to be methodical and deliberate. 

It was hard for me to learn this lesson initially, but I had no choice.  If I had kept pushing, I’d be divorced, rather than still married, today.  You can read about how I got things together at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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