Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: I get this question quite often from folks who feel that their marriage has reached the point of no return. They feel as if they and their spouse have become strangers and while they may not be actively fighting, they are not actively loving either. The spark is gone. The chemistry is off. The love is lost. Whichever of these phrases they use to say it, they usually mean the same thing. They’re trying to communicate that they fear that they’ve lost or misplaced something once precious but now taken for granted. And they fear it slipped through their hands without detection and is now gone for good.

This is a very vulnerable place to be. And you often feel as though you might not ever find your way back. Almost everyone in this situation wonders and fears if they are the only one who misses it. You worry that your spouse or partner would just as soon that you let it go without a fight. (This isn’t always the case by the way. Often, this assumption is wrong.)

I’m not sure if you yourself are even completely receptive to restoring the love that you might think has been lost. Either way, I’ve seen it restored countless times, even when both parties were unsure that they wanted it to happen, and were all but certain that it could not happen. It really only takes one brave person to begin to take some strategic action. Once things begin to shift, usually even the most reluctant spouse will come around when they see that things can indeed change and that these changes are not nearly as painful, awkward, or as impossible as they once feared. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Has All Of The Love Really Been Lost?: Taking An Honest Look: Often when people tell me that every ounce of love has been lost, I have to draw their attention to the obvious. Because if every ounce of the love was gone, then they would not even be bringing this up. They wouldn’t care one way or another. They would be indifferent and accepting. But, this is not the case. They are upset or concerned enough about this they are reaching out and at least seeking a resolution.

People who are at peace with their situation or know that it’s totally hopeless don’t research the possibility of a solution or even validation. My theory on this is that, somewhere deep inside, they don’t want for this to be over. They want to feel loved and to offer love again. They are just afraid to want something that won’t or can’t happen and they do not want to feel vulnerable if they are the only one who feels this way.

Look To See If It’s The Effort Has Been Lost: Usually the first step in getting back some of the affection is to see what is working and then to intensify those efforts. Usually, I will ask what types of things currently bring decent results. In other words, I will ask for examples of positive interactions between them. I will usually get a response that is something like “but you don’t understand. We never spend any meaningful time together discussing anything other than pointless pleasantries. If we push this, it just feels awkward and forced.”

They are right about that. It can feel awkward and forced. And this is usually the point where people where sort of throw up their arms and give up. They aren’t getting the pay off that they had hoped for and are instead getting negative feedback and frustration. So they retreat. And the distance seems to intensify and get worse. So suddenly they think that they were right all along, that the love really has been lost and this is all the proof that they need that the end is really near.

And the really sad thing is that it is only human nature to want to retreat when you feel vulnerable, afraid, doubtful, unappreciated, alone, and all of the other negative emotions that go along with this process. But someone has to be the one to keep going. It only takes one. Eventually, the other person will usually get on board, but until then, it may have to be you.

Being The First One To Try To Get The Love Back In Your Marriage: So often in this process, I see people hold back. It’s frustrating because they often don’t know how close they are to really making a change. They may only have just steps more to go before they made real progress. But sometimes, they will never know because they give up frustrated and defeated.

If you really are concerned and upset about the loss of love in your marriage, do not be this person. Sometimes you have to be the brave one and must have confidence that they will follow eventually when they begin to see progress. And honestly, you don’t have to experience this process as one that has to be endured. If you can change the negative perceptions to positive ones, you’re halfway home.

You won’t and don’t need to solve all of your problems overnight. Right now, you’re only trying to bring some light into the dark. You’re trying to create pleasurable situations that you can share and then repeat. This shouldn’t be anything heavy or stressful. Use your knowledge of what you used to enjoy and start there. Don’t compare the two or consider how different things are now. Just accept what is now and vow to keep at it until you see slow and steady improvements.

I know that the process can seem daunting. But it’s a very rare occasion that when one person gives there all, acts in the way that they want to be treated, and focuses on the positive, that this thing can’t be turned around. I’ve seen it happen countless times. I know that you might think that all the love is gone, but it’s often the effort that leaves. The feelings follow. But when the effort comes back, the feelings will usually follow suit.

There was a time that I thought my marriage was truly at its end. We had seemingly tried everything – from talking it through to a trial separation. My husband was convinced there wasn’t an ember of a spark left. Thankfully, despite his doubts, I decided to give a little more, and to approach it from another angle.  Fortunately, this eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/