Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you’ve found this article and are looking for ways and tactics to get your husband back, I want you to understand one thing right up front: a separation does not necessarily mean a divorce. I say this because I see so many wives bracing themselves to throw in the towel when in fact this is the time to begin being proactive instead. It’s so common to approach this as if you’re already beaten and in response you allow your desperation and despair to show. It’s perfectly normal to be stressed, upset and frightened right now, but it’s also important to understand that husbands do not typically find these attributes to be attractive. So, you’ll need to be very conscious of how you are presenting yourself and whether your interactions with your husband (even during this separation) turn out to be negative or positive. I’ll discuss this more in the following article.

Understand That You Feel And What You Display May Need To Be Two Different Things (Deliberate Display):  I know that your heart may be breaking and I know that you may feel like time is quickly running out, but it’s important that you don’t allow these fears to negatively influence how you display yourself. (I know because I did this with disastrous results.) Understand the concept of deliberate display. Always remember the woman that your husband first fell in love with. How far is she from who you see in the mirror today? Because you need to take a good, hard look at this and make adjustments to turn this thing around. I don’t say this to make you feel worse. Not at all. I was exactly where you are right now. But, it’s very important that you understand that your husband is very likely experiencing mostly negative emotions when he thinks about you and the marriage. Your first goal should be to change this. And, that’s not very likely if every time you interact with your husband it turns out wrong.

It’s vital that your husband sees the light-hearted, playful, self-confident and independent woman that he first fell in love with. Quiet confidence, a sense of humor, and self-reliance are going to much more attractive to your husband right now than desperation and guilt.

Understanding What He Will Respond To: Many wives attempt to make the reconciliation process much too complicated. They will try to talk their problems to death, dig around searching for the root of the phantom problem, and generally bring about a lot of negative emotions that their husband will want to escape from even more. Don’t get me wrong, eventually, you will need to work through your problems. But right now, you want to delay this for a while. Your first goal is to change your husband’s perception of you. This is not likely to happen if you are nagging him to “work” on things, are trying to make him feel guilty, or are negatively engaging him. I’m not asking you to choke down your real feelings and concerns. I’m just advising you to delay these conversations until you’re on more stable ground.

Because at the end of the day, your husband probably wants exactly what you do – to feel loved, to be valued and appreciated, and to live in a home that is free from tension. Always keep this in mind and check yourself to make sure that your actions are in line with this. Always try to keep interactions and emotions positive. When your husband experiences negative emotions with you, he moves further away. It’s really as simple as that.

Passing On The Positive When You Are Separated: Often women will tell me: “I understand what you’re saying and it makes sense. I’d like to try it. But, we’re separated, so how am I going to do these things?” Well, typically, you will need to make some contact to discuss the logistics of the situation. But, it’s better to let him initiate this first. If this doesn’t happen, it can be OK to come up with a BELIEVABLE reason that you need to meet or interact, but if you are going to do this, you must play it correctly. You must then appear looking your best, exuding self-confidence and showing off your ready laugh. You can’t press or try to get him to delve into where your relationship is going. You need to present yourself as a wife who wants to save her marriage, but who is making the best of the situation because she respects herself and because she’s going to take advantage of this time for herself.

What will usually happen here is that the husband will begin to get curious. What is behind this turnaround? What’s going on with you? At that point, he’ll usually begin to initiate the contact. But, when he does, be very careful not to revert back to old behaviors. Keep doing what works. Keep up the self-confidence and the deliberate actions. Eventually, when he starts to see you more as a positive rather than a negative influence, that is when things are going to start really changing. You may have to take it one day at a time, but you will hopefully eventually get to where you want to go.

When my husband and I separated, I did not understand these principles and you can imagine the disastrous results. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things in a new way.  You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin