Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are both happy, relieved, reluctant, and worried all at the same time.  They are happy because it appears that their husband might be considering coming back to them or at least “trying again” after the separation.   But, they are worried because they know that the marriage has some real difficulties (which made the separation necessary in the first place) and they worry that nothing has really changed.

So, they can have a lot of anxiety as to whether the marriage is actually going to improve or work after the separation.   And, they are often very invested in it working.  After all, the next time things fall apart, they may be dealing with a divorce rather than only a separation.

I often hear comments like: “my husband is considering moving back home after our separation.  I can tell that he’s reluctant and doubtful that things are going to really work out.  I need for this to work because I don’t want a divorce.  How can I rebuild my marriage after the separation so that it actually lasts?  How do I make sure that we don’t just end up separated again or even divorced because we are dealing with the same problems over and over again?  And how can I make sure that my husband is every bit as committed as I am?”  I will share with you the tips that I offered in the following article.

Rebuilding Your Marriage After A Separation Doesn’t Mean That You Need To Solve All Of Your Problems Immediately:  Here is what many people misunderstand (and where they go wrong.)  While you will absolutely need to work through and address your problems, you will usually have better results if you don’t try to do too much too soon.

The reason for this is that when your spouse returns (or is considering coming back) after a separation, the marriage is often still quite fragile no matter how badly one or both of you want for things to work out.  This means that you are still vulnerable to misunderstandings, your spouse feeling differently than you do about the issues, or the strain that comes from always focusing on your problems.

It is better to gradually attempt to rebuild the bond and then to slowly work through the issues (as are needed and as the marriage will allow at the time.)  Quite honestly, if you are successful in rebuilding the bond and the intimacy (and when you and your spouse are clicking again in the way that you did in the past,) many of the issues or problems that seem insurmountable right now will likely seem smaller in comparison.

The reason is that when you are sharing positive feelings and emotions with your spouse, you become very invested in wanting this to continue, so you are much willing to compromise more and dwell less.   I’m not saying that loving feelings will make all of your marital problems go away, but don’t underestimate how much they truly can help.

You Don’t Always Need For Both People To 100% Commit To Rebuilding During Or After A Separation.  A Wait And See Attitude Can Work As Long As You Are Moving Forward:  The wife was very concerned because the husband did not seem to have the same burning desire or the same desperation that she did to save the marriage.

The husband wasn’t exactly opposed to rebuilding, he just had some doubts that it would actually happen successfully.  This bothered the wife so much that I worried she would sabotage the whole thing by trying to force or push the husband into declaring himself 100% committed to saving the marriage.

The thing is, it’s normal for one or both spouses to have some doubts after separating.  But it’s OK to move forward anyway.  Over time as things go well and you move slowly and gradually, these doubts will start to fade.  But if you insist on a 100% commitment from the beginning, you may keep your spouse from every really trying or giving the process a real chance, even if they are reluctant.

Place Most Of Your Focus On Rebuilding In A Positive Way So That You Both Enjoy Participating.  (Don’t Allow Your Doubt Or Anxiety To Sabotage Your Actions:)  Here is what I want for you to take from this article. I want you to know that rebuilding after a separation should be seen as an opportunity that can actually be pleasurable.  Most people see rebuilding as akin to having to lift brick and mortar with power tools so that you are both breaking an emotional sweat. This can cause a lot of doubt, feet dragging, and reluctance.

You want for both you and your spouse to have positive feelings and enthusiasm about this process.  So place your focus on revisiting those things that used to make you happy and feel close to your spouse rather than dissecting every problem that you ever had.  I concede that problems don’t solve themselves and that you will eventually need to place some focus there.

But in the beginning, your attention really should be on just reconnecting and remembering why you loved each other in the first place and what worked well for you rather than remembering what went wrong.  Sometimes, I think that couples focus so much on their problems that they almost give those problems more power.

I know that some people will disagree with me.  But I have seen too many couples make this mistake and I see more success with couples who put their issues on the back burner and have some fun together (without holding on so tightly and being guided by fear,) at least for a little while.

The process really should be fun.  You want to see your marriage as a pleasurable and enjoyable place to be rather than a place where you’re going to be analyzed, discussed, and criticized until your toes curl and you just want to avoid the whole thing.

I think that sometimes people think that rebuilding after a marital separation requires a series of steps and that once you pass one issue, you move on to the next and to the next so that if you finally make it to the end,  your reward is that you remain married after a hard fought battle.

I see it differently.  What worked for me and many others is making the process of rebuilding an enjoyable one that teaches you what you still love about your marriage rather than what you still see as flawed.

My husband and I were separated and things went so wrong he actually filed for divorce.  Thankfully, I decided that dwelling on the negative was doing me no good, so I decided to focus on the positive and this worked.  You can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.  There are also some excellent free resources on the side of this blog that will give you some advice and insights from the experts on this topic.

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By: Leslie Cane:  You would like to think that when you are going through a very challenging time in your life – like dealing with a marital separation, for example – that the people in your life would limit themselves to only providing positive feedback and support.  There has never been a more appropriate time to stick to the old adage: “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

Unfortunately, not everyone can adhere to this.  People who we love and people whose opinions we seek out and value can be the very ones whose careless comments hurt us the most.  They do not realize how those careless, flippant comments can cut us to the core.  Not only do we have to deal with the hurt, but we have to be able to honestly evaluate if their words have any merit, which can be difficult when we are already so emotionally raw.

Here is an example. A separated wife might surround herself with her best girlfriends who have always been there for her.  They may be out to dinner when a man notices the wife and starts trying to flirt with her.  The wife might explain: “we were actually having a good time when a couple of guys came up.  One started flirting with my friend and the other started flirting with me.  I felt very uncomfortable and at that point  I decided to call it an early night.  I told my friends that I had a headache and was going home.  The friend who was flirting with the other guy became angry.  And she angrily blurted out: ‘your husband is never coming back.  Not ever.  I don’t know what it is going to take for you to realize it, accept it, and start living your life.’  I was so hurt and shocked.  And I couldn’t think of anything to say in response, so I just left.  The next day, my friend called and apologized.  I told her not to worry about it, but now I am the one worrying about it.  Now I wonder if she was telling me the truth.  How do you know if your husband is never coming back?  Is it possible that the signs are there and I’m just not reading them?  I admit that things have not gone well during our separation and that, right now, my husband does not seem very interested in coming back.  But to say he’s never coming back?  That seems harsh because we haven’t been separated for that long.  How do I know if my friend is right?  What are the signs that I should be looking for?

My answer is going to be biased.  I admit that right away.  But I don’t think that there are any cut and dried signs that always mean that your husband is never coming back.  My husband was not interested at first either, and yet he eventually came back.

One might tell you that when there is another woman, there’s a good possibility that he’s not coming back.  And yet I’ve known couples who have actually moved in with other people who have eventually gotten back together.

I’ve known couples who have insulted each other and vowed to never want to see each other again who have gotten back together.  I’ve heard of couples who have moved across the country from one another and who have eventually reconciled.  And although it is more rare, I’ve heard from people who actually married others and then much later, down the road, remarried.

So, to me, there are very few true signs that he is “never” coming home.  “Never” is a very hard word to fulfill because it’s so restrictive and no one can predict the future.  People change their minds.  They have a change of heart.  Circumstances and feelings change.  People get counseling and learn different ways to solve their problems.

I am not saying that this happens in every care.  Sometimes, husbands do not come back.  But, since you can’t see the future and you’re clearly still invested in your marriage, it truly is up to you whether or not you’re going to let your friend’s off-handed remark (which she probably said when she was motivated by her flirting with the other guy) dissuade you.

Believe me, I had plenty of people giving me their unfavorable opinion about my husband’s thoughts and motivations.  Many of them weren’t shy in telling me that my marriage was over.  Needless to say, this was upsetting.  But one day I decided that none of them could possibly know the outcome.  They weren’t clairvoyant and they couldn’t read my husband’s mind.   And even if they could, what he was thinking today may not have been what he was going to think tomorrow.

So I decided that I was going to control what I could.  I was going to try to make every conversation and every meeting count.  I was going to work on myself.  And I was not going to cloud the future with worry and naysaying.

It was not easy.  I think it’s easier to “give in” to the negativity sometimes.  And there were times when I just had to tune people out.  It was hard but it paid off. This wasn’t easy because these were people who I loved and whose opinions I valued.  But they didn’t know what was going to happen with my marriage anymore than they knew who would win the Super Bowl that year.  It’s all just guessing.  And when something is as important as your marriage, you shouldn’t base your actions on a careless guess.  At least that is my experience.  If I had listened to people’s guesses, I’d probably be divorced today.  And I’m very glad that’s not the case.  The whole story is at my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Most of the wives who read this blog will have, at least in some capacity, a spouse who wants or has asked for space. Sometimes, this is just a temporary and casual request that passes quickly. Other times, there is a real and immediate problem, which can prompt time apart or even a separation.

Understandably, most wives do not take kindly to being asked for space. You’ve lived closely and intimately with your husband for all of this time, and now he wants to be away from you – both emotionally and physically? That feels wrong on multiple levels. That hurts. And it feels like a rejection.

It’s no wonder, then, that most of us try to find a way around this request for space. We act as if we don’t really understand it. We convince ourselves that he didn’t really mean it in that way. We comply as little as possible. Or we panic and give him the opposite of space. We cling instead.

However our resistance manifests itself, we’re resistant. But, inevitably, the spouse who wanted the space will often push back. He’ll often pull away even further in an attempt to get what he asked for, or he’ll blatantly ask that you back away. He may also just stop making himself so available to you.

However it happens, it may soon be clear that you have no choice but to comply. But even with this acceptance comes problematic realizations. If you back away, will it be easier for him to just walk away from you? Will it seem as if you don’t care when you could not care more?

Someone might explain, “my separated husband is literally demanding space from me. Part of it is my fault. I am hard-headed. He asked for space before he even moved out, but I convinced myself that there was still room for us to remain close. Clearly, this isn’t what he wants for now. And he’s made that brutally clear. I realize that if I keep refusing to comply, he’s going to move further and further away from me. But aren’t I damned if I do and damned if I don’t? Giving him space also means the exact same thing – that he moves further and further away from me. I feel like I am just helplessly watching him walk right out of my life. I feel like I am allowing myself to lose him without doing anything to try and prevent that from happening. There was a medical scare with one of his family members. (I heard about this from my sister-in-law, not from him.) And it felt so wrong to not reach out to him. I felt uncaring and cold. How am I supposed to pretend like I don’t care what is happening to him? It all feels so wrong and the opposite of what I should be doing. I honestly think that giving him space is going to do nothing but ensure that I am going to lose him. And yet, he’s given me absolutely no choice.”

I completely understand this. I had the exact same thoughts during my own separation. But it may help you to know that I am still married today. And I DID give my husband space. I fought as hard as I could against it initially. I almost ruined any chance I had of reconciliation by being too stubborn about the space. But I now firmly believe that the space was 100% the first step of saving my marriage. Without it, I have no doubt that I would be divorced.

There are some very compelling arguments for clinging and not providing the space. But I promise that there are counterarguments that are every bit as compelling. Even better, these counterarguments are more conducive to the outcome that you want. I’ll list them below.

He’ll Resent You If You Don’t Give The Space: One of the best strategies that I eventually fell into using during my own separation was that I wanted to help my husband be happier. His discontent was a big reason that he wanted space, so I couldn’t claim that I wanted to help him improve things if I didn’t try to give him what he wanted. Believe me, I tried to get him to settle for less. For a very long time. Not only did it not work, but it also made things worse. My husband resented me and became even angrier at me than he did before he moved out.

He’ll See You As Something That Must Be Avoided: If you continue to cling when your husband asks that you back away just a bit, he’s going to start ducking you. He’ll ignore your calls, and he will keep his whereabouts a secret from you. And what do you think will happen with these turn of events? You will pull harder, and he will push in response. This will bring you further away from one another rather than closer.

You’ll Stall Any Reconciliation: I know that in your mind you think that giving space is going to delay things. But the opposite is true. Husbands in this situation will often wait until they get what they asked before they get down to business and work with you. If you think that clinging will actually hurry things along, this is probably flawed thinking.

Worries About “Out of Sight Out of Mind” Don’t Give Him The Time To Miss You: Many wives worry that if they are not seeing or speaking to their husband regularly, he’ll forget about his commitment to them and be less invested in the marriage. Often, if you give it a little time, and he realizes that not only is the space not solving all of his issues but that he also misses you, his commitment will actually be strengthened. Spouses will often come to the table more willing to compromise after some time apart if they have these important realizations.

Showing Care And Investment During The Space: This can be a little more tricky. But there is a difference between ignoring your spouse and giving him a little room. I still texted my husband for special occasions or difficult times. It would just be a simple “thinking about you and hoping you are okay,” or something similar. Texting allowed him to get back to me if and when he wanted, but there was no pressure with it. Also, the message was very neutral and was in no way off-putting.

And you know what? Sometimes, those casual texts elicited a phone call from him and increased communication, and sometimes they didn’t. But they allowed us to keep in casual touch without me not doing as asked and respecting my husband’s wishes.

And this increased communication eventually lead to even more. He eventually began to reach out to me.  And that was the beginning of a significant turn around.  That story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who have only agreed to a trial separation because it’s what their spouse either wanted or insisted upon.  They don’t have any intention of making the separation permanent or of allowing things to deteriorate so badly that the separation eventually leads to a divorce.  But, they know that their wishes won’t just automatically become reality unless they take control and make it happen.  To that end, they often want to know how they should act during the separation in order to have the best chance for a reconciliation.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband has been wanting a divorce for the last seven months.  After a lot of discussion and pleading, I finally talked him into a trial separation instead. My greatest wish is to save my marriage because I still love this man and I know that having an intact family is the best thing for my children.  But, since he’s left, things have gotten even worse between us.  He says that he feels like I pressure him too much and that I try to keep tabs on him.  Of course I want to communicate with him regularly because I’m fighting to keep him.  But my friends say that my strategy is all wrong.  They say that I need to give him space and not be so suffocating.  Are they right?  How do I need to act in order to have the best chance of getting him back?”

I understood the wife’s actions.  Her descriptions reminded me so much of how I acted during my own separation.  You want to hold onto your husband so badly.  You want to know that he misses you as much as you miss him.  And you feel as if stepping back even slightly would allow him to slip straight through your fingers.  But, this wife’s friends did have a valid point.  Often, the more you cling to your separated husband, the less he wants to allow you access to him because he feels pressured.  And very often, he envisioned having some space during the separation.  And when he doesn’t get this, he can blame you and take his space by force by distancing himself from you.  This isn’t what you want.  So below, I’ll offer some tips on what I think is the best way to act during a separation when your primary goal is to get him back.

Don’t Act As If You’ve Already Lost Him:  When separated wives tell me that they want to get their husbands back, I often remind them that he is still their husband.  He hasn’t yet left the marriage because there has been no divorce.  Yes, being separated is scary and it certainly doesn’t imply that you are blissfully married without any problems.  But it doesn’t mean that a divorce is imminent either.  Many separated couples do reconcile and avoid divorce.

It’s very common for wives to panic in this situation and act as if they have already lost their husband.  This contributes to clinging which can make an already difficult situation even worse.  So ask yourself if you’re acting like you’ve already lost him.  If you are, now is the time to change that and to portray some confidence even if you have to force yourself to do so.  Often, your husband is going to follow your lead, even if neither of you realize that he is doing so.

If you give off the vibe that things are just dreadful and you are just weeks away from one of you filing for a divorce, then whether you intend to or not, you make this more likely.  But if appear to be confident that it will all work out because you are determined to make it so and you know that the two of you really do love one another, then you make a reconciliation more likely.

Don’t Look At It As Acting:  When wives ask me how they are supposed to “act” in order to make something happen, I have to remind them not to see any part of this process as acting.  The last thing that you want to do is to allow your husband to think that you are manipulating him.  Any actions that you take and any feelings that you display must appear to be absolutely genuine.

If you think of this as acting, you may be sabotaging yourself.  You want to show your husband your true, authentic self when that self is at it’s very best.  If you feel as if you are acting, then take a step back and reevaluate what you are trying to portray. You always want to make sure that who he sees is you and not a role that you are playing.  Because if he even suspects that you are not being genuine, then he will not be even remotely receptive to your words or actions.

Don’t Create Additional Drama.  Be As Approachable As Possible:  I understand that there is a lot of uncertainty and fear right now.  So, I do completely get that it’s hard to be upbeat and approachable.  And yet, that’s exactly what I am suggesting.  Because if every time you and your husband are together you debate tough issues or try to make him come home, he’s just going to start to avoid you.  You’ll start to hear excuses as to why he’s busy or can’t communicate with you.  And the face to face meetings may become rare.

In order to save your marriage, you need to gain some ground.  And in order to do that, you must spend quality and enjoyable time with your husband.  To make that happen, you are going to need to be approachable and agreeable.  This goes back to being the best version of yourself.  Always try to be positive and upbeat so that he enjoys your time together.   If you do this correctly, he will naturally want to continue interacting with you and this should naturally lead to an improvement in your marriage.

So to answer the question posed, you shouldn’t see this in terms of “acting” in a certain way.  But you should take a very positive and open approach that should make your interactions feel effortless instead of forced.

I learned this first hand during my own separation.  At first, I acted out of fear and desperation and this almost costs me my marriage.  I had to take a huge step back in order to truly make up for my past mistakes.  This wasn’t easy, but it made all of the difference and it allowed for us to reconcile.  If it helps, you can read more my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many of the people who read this blog try to begin their separation with the best attitude possible. They often either intuitively know or have read here that remaining positive increases the chances of a healing separation and a reconciliation. So they try to go into this with a smile on their faces and the spirit of cooperation in their hearts.

Unfortunately, very often, we can only control ourselves. And many separated spouses find themselves dealing with someone who didn’t get the memo about maintaining a positive attitude. In fact, sometimes the separated spouses are mean, manipulative, or sulky. Some attempt to play mind games. This can be true even if the game player is the one who wanted the separation in the first place.

A wife could explain, “I anticipated that I might have a problem putting on a constant happy face during our separation. But I was determined to do it for the sake of our kids and also because I thought it would improve my chances of getting back together with my husband. Because that is what I really want. What I did not anticipate was that my husband would act like a pain in the rear. He wanted this separation. So I assumed that he would actually be more content and happy. I foolishly thought that he would be easier to deal with. But no. He’s sulky. He acts like I pushed this onto him. He plays mind games with me, withholding affection and then asking me why I don’t seek it from him. When I do seek it, I won’t get it. If I try to cheer him up, he acts as if I’m trying to manipulate him or he’ll say that I’m asking him to act in a way that he doesn’t actually feel. I’ll then ask him why he’s upset, and his response is that we have a separated marriage, so should we pretend that everything is just fine and that this is a cause for celebration? I just don’t understand. This is what he wanted. He claims that he isn’t angry and that I’ve done nothing wrong, but he certainly treats me like he is mad at me. I hoped that getting out of his line of sight for a while would remedy his restlessness. But it hasn’t. He’s difficult to be around. I’m tired of it. But I have no idea how to address it without turning negative and nasty myself.”

Don’t Fall Into The Trap Of Engagement: You are right that you absolutely do not want to play this game. You don’t want to resort to the same behavior that you dislike in him. It will only make a difficult situation worse, and it almost condones his behavior.

Instead, you want your behavior to be above reproach while at the same time not alienating him because you are lecturing him about his poor behavior. So you have to walk a fine line between determining the cause of his behavior, hopefully getting it to stop, and keeping your own positive strategy.

Try Another Approach: It goes without saying that you should absolutely try to get to the truth about why you’re seeing weird behavior from him. He’s still your husband. You don’t want to see him unhappy, and you don’t want his sour attitude to get into the way of your reconciliation.

But your tone must be one of caring and concern. You don’t want to say something like, “what is wrong with you? According to my memory, you wanted this separation, so why are you sulking like this?” You may be justified in asking these questions, but what he will hear and take away from this conversation is that you’re annoyed at his behavior, and you think he’s wrong to express himself in this way. This will only make him defensive.

The better play is something like, “I’m concerned about you because you seem quite unhappy. Is there anything I’ve done that can be fixed? Is there anything at all that I can do to make it better? I was hoping that the separation would make things better. How can I adjust so that we are more successful?”

Then, if he gives you a response, really listen to him. Allow him to talk as long as he wants without interruption. Don’t argue with what he’s saying (at least right now.) Just let him know that he’s been heard and that you’ll do your best to make things better.

Adjust Your Expectations: This is hard to write because I never want to have to tell someone who is already living life in an altered way to expect less. That isn’t an easy thing to ask. But the truth is that sometimes, separations must go at a gradual pace and improvement happens more slowly than we would hope. (This was definitely the case during my own separation, but I am still married today.)

Perhaps for the next week, you just want to focus on showing him more patience and give him a little room. The hope is that in a few more weeks, he will be less sulky and you will have more to work with. With this strategy, he can’t become angry with you or blame you for anything. Especially when all you’ve done is be supportive.

Consider Why He Might Be Unhappy Or Resentful: As weird as it sounds, a lot of initiating spouses are let down by their separations. What I mean by that is that often the spouse who wants the separation experiences frustration when he isn’t suddenly happier because of it. Sometimes, he assumes that the marriage or his spouse is to blame for his discontent. But then he removes those things from his everyday life, and he must face the fact that he is still unhappy. He starts to realize that the unhappiness lies with him, and he doesn’t know how to fix it. And he begins to wonder if it can change. (Counseling can be great during this time frame if he will go. But if not, this is your opportunity to show him that things can slowly get better.)

Chipping Away At His Resentment: I know that it’s difficult to interact with someone who is frustrated and resentful. You just have to take it one interaction at a time. Don’t engage and make things worse. Just remain positive and come back another day if your efforts aren’t working. Cut the interaction short and hope that you will find him in a better place next time.

If you can get individual counseling, it can help. But either way, surround yourself with people who are positive and supportive. That way, you’re not depending on your spouse for support at a time when he’s not giving it.

If you have other things to occupy you while you wait for him to come around, even better. It is never a good idea to put all of your energy into this day by day when this is going to be a long game. Doing so only makes you impatient at a time when you’re going to need all of the patience you can get.

I know that I’m asking a lot from you. But I’m just being honest, as I dealt with this during my own separation, and I have firm opinions on what works and what doesn’t. If you’d like to read about how I saved my own marriage, that story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from panicked folks who worry that their trial separation is going to mean that they can’t save their marriage. They are often concerned that since they are no longer living with their spouse, they aren’t going to have the access required to improve their marriage enough so that it can be saved.

Common concerns are things like: “I didn’t want to separate from my husband, but he insisted. He says he feels like we need some time apart. I have tried to reason with him, but nothing has worked. He has assured me that he has no plans to file for divorce. He says that we should just wait and see how things go between us during the separation before we make any decisions about our marriage. The thing is, I want to save my marriage during the separation. The idea of losing my husband is not one that I can face. Is there anything that I can do to save my marriage during the separation?”

It’s my opinion and belief that there is plenty that you can do. I believe that my actions during my own separation ultimately saved my marriage. Unfortunately, I didn’t always do or say the right things, especially in the beginning. But over time I was able to try and tweak some strategies that ultimately made some very big improvements. I will go over some of those things below.

Allow Your Spouse The Chance To Miss You: I find that this is probably the most common mistake that people make. It’s absolutely normal to panic and to be affected by fear when you are separated. You expect and fear the worst. And this can inspire you to do things that hurt you rather than help you. Specifically, during this time, people have the tendency to cling very tightly to the spouse who had told them very clearly that he needs space.

I am certainly not saying that you should ignore your spouse or not make yourself available when your spouse is reaching out to you. But so often, people call, text, or come by constantly, so that they are not giving their spouse the time that he has asked for and they are not giving their spouse the opportunity to miss them. The most common reason that people give for beginning to change their mind about the separation is that they found that they missed their spouse and that they realized that they took their spouse for granted or that they should have been more flexible or accommodating.

This process can make your spouse much more open-minded and patient when it comes to working through your problems. But if you don’t give your spouse the opportunity to miss you, then you may miss out on the positive improvements that this process can bring about.  If you fear that you are coming on too strong during the separation, back off a bit and see if this brings any improvement.

Take This Time To Work On Yourself And To Reevaluate The Issues That Divided You: Not all spouses will agree to couples counseling during the separation. And many spouses who want to save their marriage become very discouraged about this. But, nothing says that you can not go to individual counseling or do some individual work if you think that this would benefit you. Often, the separation gives you the time and the introspection that you might not otherwise have had. Take the opportunity to really examine your issues more objectively and ask yourself what you can do differently this time in order to get a different result. It’s very common for people to become more open-minded and flexible during the separation because the distance has given them a little more objectivity that they didn’t otherwise have.

And working on yourself and becoming as healthy and as strong as you can be as an individual is only going to help your marriage. There is no need to put your own healing on hold or to wait to see what is going to happen with your marriage. Self-work is always going to benefit you and you probably have more time on your hands right now.

Allow Your Spouse To See That You Can Still Connect In A Very Positive Way: As I alluded to before, fear can cause you to act in ways that you know are destructive and unnecessary. Fear can bring out the worst in you when you know deep down that you should instead be putting forward your best. So many couples find themselves actually arguing just as much or more during the separation because of the fear and uncertainty. Please do not fall into this trap. It’s so important that you show your spouse that not only can the two of you get along, but you can connect in a meaningful and light-hearted way.

Always show your spouse someone who is cooperative, light-hearted, and loving, especially when you are separated. Because your spouse is often trying to evaluate if there are any romantic feelings or if the spark is still there. But if you argue with your spouse every time you interact or if you behave in an abrasive or accusatory manner, then your spouse isn’t able to see that the feelings are still there. Alternatively, if you allow your spouse to see the fun-loving, sweet, and exciting person that he fell in love with, then he is just naturally going to consider maintaining the marriage in order to get that back.

I am not saying that you have to act insincere or to portray things that you aren’t actually feeling. Your spouse would be able to see through this anyway. But what I am encouraging you to do is to bring forth the most positive thinking attitude that you possibly can. Because people tend to think favorably toward those who make them feel positive emotions while they pull away from those who invoke negativity. You don’t want for your husband to think you bring him down every time you communicate. Because once this happens, he will start to avoid you. Instead, you want him to get a lift every time that you are together so that he is willing to spend more and more time together so that you can rediscover one another.

I’d like to make one more point. Many people will try to solve their major issues while they are separated. This is an important consideration, but I would suggest that you attempt this very gradually. Often, when your marriage is on shaky ground, it can’t withstand you putting it under a microscope and constantly drawing your spouse’s attention to your problems. My suggestion would be to only focus on your problems as your progress allows.

I hope I’ve shown you that you can save your marriage during your separation.  But in order to do so, you will often need to be very deliberate with your actions.  It took me too long to learn this, but I did learn it.  And this knowledge enabled me to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear for wives who are looking for the strategy or plan that is going to make their husband want to come back to them. Sometimes, the husband has abruptly left after a fight. Others have left after long struggles within the marriage and the departure doesn’t come as huge surprise. Others leave as part of a trial separation. Whatever the reason that he’s left, these wives want him back as soon as possible. They often don’t much care what they need to do in order to accomplish this. They are just tired of being without him.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband left me about four months ago. I’ve tried everything that I know to do in order to get him to come back. I’ve tried to appeal to his sense of obligation. I have tried to make him feel guilty. I have tried to make him jealous. I’ve tried to seduce him. I’ve tried to pretend that I just don’t care. But nothing works. Nothing makes him interested. He seems to tolerate me. He’s polite. He never declines to see or talk to me. But he never takes the initiative either. He seems to be perfectly happy to be apart from me for now. What can I do to make him want me back? Because I’m starting to give up hope.”

I know first hand that it’s very hard to maintain hope when he’s given you absolutely no encouragement. But, sometimes, you have to force yourself to hold out hope if you’re still intent on getting him back or on saving your marriage. Because as long as there’s hope, there’s a chance. I used to tell my friends that if I gave up, I would certainly fail because I was conceding defeat and I wasn’t about to do this. This is an individual decision, of course. And I didn’t know all of the details. But I do believe that before you give up, there are some things that you can try to do to encourage your husband to want you back. Notice that I said encourage. Because I don’t think you can “make” or “get” someone to do something genuine, nor should you want to. I’ll discuss this more below.

Give Him Enough Respect To Not Play Obvious Games: When the wife said that she’d tried everything to get her husband to want her back, I got a sinking feeling. Because often, when wives try multiple strategies, it gives off a vibe of desperation that husbands can sniff out almost effortlessly. As a result, he stops taking you seriously and you most definitely have a less than captive audience for your strategies.

Often, when you get to the point where you both know you’re playing every card you have, it’s time to just stop and be straightforward and stop playing games. Because he knows what you are doing. He’s expecting for you to continue on and he’s stopped paying attention. So how do you get his attention? By changing things up. By completely doing an about face. And by no longer trying to do things just to get a reaction so that he can actually take this process seriously.

Allow Him To Remember Your Relationship When It Was Effortless: When you get to the point where you feel rejected and he feels frustrated, it’s very easy for the spouse who left to see your relationship as problematic and getting worse. It can become difficult to remember when things were new, fresh, exciting, and easy. It can get to a point where your relationship feels like so much work, that he starts to wonder if this is all even worth it. He’ll start to wonder if people who are really meant to be together or who are really in love have to work this hard to keep it together.

So, it’s vital that you show him that his perceived difficulty can change. You want to remind him of the two people who use to seamlessly fit together and who can again one day.

Now, as you might expect, this might mean that you have to back off on the pressure that you’ve been applying. You might have to lower your expectations at first and have some patience. It’s so important to understand that the more you try to pressure and manipulate your husband, the more he is going to pull away from and discount you.

Honestly, one of the best things that you can do is to make yourself approachable and agreeable. You don’t want him to feel as if he has to be guarded to communicate with or interact with you. Nor do you want him to feel that he needs to brace himself for guilt, jealousy, or shame when he’s in your presence. If you remember nothing else from this article, remember that you want to elicit positive emotions rather than negative ones.

So to answer the question posed, instead of trying to “get” or “make” your husband want to come back to you, encourage him to want to come back by not playing games or attempting to manipulate him and by being patient as you show him how effortless and pleasurable your relationship can be. This may take time, but that is OK.

And, I’m not saying that you can’t flirt, be playful, and do what you know gets a response. But this shouldn’t be your only strategy meant only to get a quick response. It’s fine to allow a little flirting  to get your foot in the door. But once inside, you want to build something that is truly lasting so that you don’t have to deal with this issue again.

Unfortunately, I didn’t always do what I’ve just suggested to you.  And I made a huge mess of my marriage.  Not only did my husband not want to come back, but he was beginning to lose his patience with my strategies.  It wasn’t until I did a complete about face and tried a more straightforward strategy that I saw very positive results.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who are devastated to learn that their husband wants a separation.  And, they often know that how they behave and react right now might have an impact on whether their marriage will survive the separation.  So, many are looking for advice on the right way to behave or to act when he’s pushing for the separation that the wife doesn’t want.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband told me two weeks ago that he wants a separation.  I have tried to do everything in my power to talk him out of it.  But nothing has worked.  At this point, it appears to me that the separation is actually going to happen. So I need to know the best way to react and to behave.  I want to set it up so that we actually make it through this and remain married.  But I’m torn.  Part of me feels that perhaps I should play hard ball with him and pretend like I’m actually looking forward to the separation.  And part of me is tempted to play the guilt card to see if I can make him feel so guilty that he won’t leave.  What is the best way to play this?” I have a definite opinion on this, which I will discuss below.

Don’t Try To Force Negative Emotions Like Guilt Or Fear:  I know that trying to make him feel guilty may feel  like a no brainer.  After all, he should feel guilty.  But, as easy and as just as this strategy might be, it so often fails.  And the reason that it fails is that people have a tendency to want to escape negative emotions.  They also want to escape the people who cause the negative emotions.  So yes, maybe you could make him feel so guilty that he would hesitate to go.  But this likely would only be a temporary reprieve.  Eventually, he’s going to start thinking about how you didn’t allow him to get what you wanted and how, yet again, you’ve held him back in some way.

The same is true of fear.  It’s normal to consider trying to make him feel jealous or to hint that perhaps you will see other people during the separation.  But, again jealousy and fear are negative emotions that often eventually work against you.  Because he will ultimately associate these negative emotions with you or the marriage.  And he will want to escape them that much more.

Why Making Him Believe That You Want To Help Him Is Often The Best Strategy:  I know that the last thing that you might feel toward your husband right now is helpful.  I understand that the last thing you want to do is to cooperate with him.  But think about it this way.  What you really want is for him to come back and for you to be able to save your marriage. In order to do this, he’s going to have to think of you and the marriage favorably. And he’s going to have to eventually believe that he is better off with you than without you.  This isn’t likely to happen if you fight him every step of the way.

However, it is likely to happen if he believes that you are the person who is going to try to help him to get what he wants.  He needs to believe that you are on his side, even if you don’t like his actions or his methods right now. Don’t misunderstand me.  I’m not asking you to pretend that you actually want the separation or are happy about it.  Your husband isn’t likely to buy this anyway.  What I’m asking you to do is to consider that if you can make him believe that you love him enough to support his doing what he needs to do to be happy in his life, then he is going to see you as his ally.  And that is more important than I can possibly stress.

Make Sure That You Are A Positive Influence In His Life And That You Elevate Him When You’re Together:  Here is a very common thing that goes wrong during a separation.  The husband feels guilty and the wife is angry. The husband is afraid that interactions will be unpleasant so he wants to avoid this. As a result, he doesn’t come around much. The wife assumes that he’s not coming around because he never wants to come back to her.  And the situation deteriorates from there.

That’s why it’s vital that he knows being around you is going to be a pleasurable experience.  That way, he has no reason to avoid you and will actually want to seek you out. And this is the way that you begin to rebuild your marriage during the separation.  People often tell me that they think it’s impossible to strengthen or rebuild your marriage while you are separated but I’m living proof that it’s not.  So to answer the question posed, I believe from my own experience that your behavior should be cooperative, upbeat, and helpful when he wants a separation and you don’t.  It’s vital that he sees you as his ally right now.

I know that it may seem as if I’m asking a lot.  But I know from my own experience that this strategy can work.  If it helps, you can read about how I carried this strategy out on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I don’t normally write titles like this. But I hear from wives who regretfully describe their behavior as “psycho,” especially if they are going through a break or separation. I don’t judge because I acted this very same way during my own separation. In hindsight, many of us are embarrassed and disturbed by our behavior, so we fully expect our husband to be put off (mine certainly was.) But we’re still hoping that our lapse in judgment isn’t going to completely disqualify us from reconciliation. In other words, most wives want to know if there is any way back from this huge mistake, or if they’ve messed things up for good.

A wife might say, “I’m mortified to even recount what I’ve done. It’s not like me. And all I can say is that it built up to where I’d just had enough. That doesn’t excuse my behavior, but it might explain it. My husband wanted a separation, and nothing I said or did could change his mind. To make me compliant, he said that we would see and talk to each other all of the time. I trusted him. Needless to say, we do not talk and see one another regularly. We see each other rarely. And we only talk when I initiate it. And even then, it is difficult to get him to have a real conversation. I invited him to do something with me last weekend, and he begged off and told me that he was going out of town. Needless to say, I ran into him with a group of people (including some women) on the day that he was supposed to be traveling. He lied. He wasn’t out of town. He just made an excuse so that he didn’t have to spend time with me. He wanted to party instead. I admit that I was enraged. And I approached him and started yelling. And one of the women in the group told me to ‘calm down.’ This completely set me off. I got right in her face and started screaming, and I pushed her. My husband turned to the group he was with and said, ‘let’s go.’ They started walking away in the opposite direction, but I couldn’t accept this. So I followed them and continued to scream and carry on until one of my husband’s male friends told me that he would call law enforcement on me if I didn’t stop following them. Needless to say, I continued to yell until I basically tired myself out and then I sat down on the sidewalk and bawled. I calmed down the next day and I tried to call my husband, but he wouldn’t pick up. I tried to text, and he ignored me. The friend of my husband texted me and said that the women were with other males, not with my husband. I know I’ve messed up big time, and that my husband probably doesn’t want anything to do with me right now. Is there any way that I can ever get him back after acting like a complete psycho?”

There May Be A Way, But It Requires Much Restraint:  I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that there is no harm done or that you didn’t just dig a bit of a hole for yourself because you know in your heart that you did. 

But I can also tell you that it’s possible to allow things to die down and then to try to come back another day – when the situation is better.

I know that you likely feel quite desperate to get your husband to understand that you are deeply sorry and that this type of behavior won’t ever happen again. But this is a slippery slope. Because unless he is very receptive and understanding, you are likely to step in it again. And you risk making things even worse.

In my opinion and experience (because I stepped in it more than once,) it is better to back away and allow things to calm down. If you want him to know that you’re sorry, you can send a short text saying something like, “I sincerely apologize for last night. It will not happen again.” And then you have to make sure that it DOESN’T happen again. 

I realize that this can be a huge challenge. It was so hard for me not to continue to bother my husband or to act desperate. So I actually left town for a while to force my own hand. This was, quite frankly, another act of desperation. But it actually did make my husband curious enough that he was eventually receptive to me again. But – and this is very important – I let him set the pace. I no longer pushed or tried to dictate to my own fear and discomfort. And this process took longer than I wished, but I had no choice but to wait. Pushing would have depleted any tiny bit of patience my husband had left. 

Leave Your Agenda At The Door:  I completely get it. Your biggest goal right now is to get your husband back and to reconcile. That is the end goal that most of us have. And it’s very easy to allow this to dictate your every action and behavior, which is a huge problem. Because that means that you are always going to have an agenda when you deal with your husband. And he knows it. And because of this, he doesn’t take what you say or do all that seriously and sincerely.

You truly need to get a place where you lower your expectations – if just temporarily. If you can convince yourself that for right now, you’re only looking to communicate with him in a healthy way, then that is going to fundamentally change many things. Once you have success with this – and it may take a while considering where you are starting – then you will set another goal. That goal could be to very gradually increase the amount of communication. Have patience as you attempt to achieve this. Keep yourself busy with other things. Take a break from this when you need to. This process SHOULD NOT consume your life because if it does, it will show and your husband will know.

Step Back. Release Your Tight Grip: As hard as it can be to remember, you are a human being separate from your marriage. You are a daughter. You may be a sibling. You are a friend. You might be a parent or neighbor. You could be an employee or student. You are other things besides a spouse. And it helps to focus on other things while you are trying to be patient and slowly work yourself back into your spouse’s life.

If this is the center of your world, you will come on way too strong and you will be too much. I say this with compassion because I came on too strong. And I was much too much and my husband almost walked away entirely, until we eventually reconciled. (That story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com)

Calm it down for now. He can be the center of your world again when you reconcile. But for now, you have to back away so that you can eventually once again gain some ground. 

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By: Leslie Cane: Unfortunately, many spouses facing a crossroads in their marriage also face a spouse whose feelings are not conducive to improving things. The ideal situation is two spouses who are still crazy about one another but who are struggling with some workable issues. Unfortunately, this situation is somewhat rare. Instead, you commonly see at least one spouse who believes that his feelings have changed. Often, he doesn’t try to hide this. In some cases, he’s even aggressive about it – almost daring his spouse to confront him.

A wife in this situation might say, “for the last several months, my husband has avoided me and ignored me as much as possible. However, when he is forced to interact with me, his face gives him away. He looks at me as though I’m distasteful. Like he smells something that stinks. When he looks at me, his face crinkles up and his nose lifts. It is definitely not a look of endearment. It is a look that tells me that he wishes he were anywhere else than with me. On top of this, he has zero patience with me. No matter what we’re doing, my part in it is wrong. I can do nothing right in his eyes. He never ever compliments me or acts proud of me. Instead, he has become ashamed of me. It wasn’t always this way, but his new attitude toward me has definitely become the norm. I don’t quite understand it. I certainly don’t look the same as when we were married, but I’m not even close to ugly. I am well-groomed, fit, and I dress carefully. I’m also accomplished and far from stupid, even though he treats me that way lately. He hasn’t asked to separate or move out. But he’s clearly distancing himself from me and from our marriage. I want to be clear. I still love him. But I almost feel as I need to preempt what I am sure is coming – his wanting to pause or end our marriage. Should I try to stay with a husband who treats me with contempt and appears to find me distasteful? I do want to stay, but living this way makes me doubt myself and does terrible things for my self-esteem.

You Can Stay Without Accepting The Current Situation As A Permanent Solution: Anyone could sympathize with this wife because she’s in a catch 22 situation. I can tell you that being separated and living alone does not do wonders for your well-being and self-esteem. I lived that, and it was honestly one of the lowest periods of my life. At the same time, it can’t be any fun living with someone who not only never shows you any positive emotion, but who comes closer to showing you disdain.

My opinion is that it would be easier for you to stay if you are still invested in your marriage but want to save it. Because it can be challenging to reconcile once you no longer live under the same roof. (It’s not impossible. I did it under those circumstances, but I’d still recommend avoiding it.) That said, I’d also advocate doing everything in your power to improve your marriage, which should, in turn, improve your husband’s treatment of you. It’s easy to doubt this, but I found it 100% true in my own case and in many others that I have observed over the years.

Why The Health Of Your Marriage Impacts His “Distaste” Or You And The Marriage: It’s nearly impossible to miss your husband’s changing perceptions of you. Most husbands do not attempt to hide their changing feelings. Some of them don’t even deny it when you bring it up or draw their attention to it. But what they often won’t do is explain why they’re exhibiting this behavior. They won’t give you a straight answer when you ask. Sometimes, they don’t know the answer themselves.

They only know that their feelings and perceptions have changed. As a result, their behavior changes. He probably doesn’t know why he’s doing it. But the answer is almost always that something has changed to make him feel that he’s no longer getting what he used to be his for the taking.

I know that sounds awful. But try to think about it rationally. This wife freely admitted that her husband didn’t always treat her this way. Most husbands are at their sweetest and most attentive early in the relationship. It’s easy to figure out why. Things are exciting and new. Resentments haven’t yet built up. Your focus is almost entirely on one another.

As the years pass, your attention must turn to other things. And partners often take one another for granted, or even turn to other support systems. As a result, intimacy wanes. Some spouses take this in stride and find other ways to be close. And other spouses resent the hell out of this, become passive-aggressive, or express open “disdain” for their spouses. That may be what is happening here. (I’m assuming that there is no infidelity or other serious issues with the husband that the wife doesn’t know about (because that would be something else entirely.))

Try To Address And Find The Soft Spots: What I have written above might ring completely true for you. Or, it may not. You know your marriage better than anyone else. If you are really and painfully honest with yourself, you likely know your biggest soft or vulnerable spots. You likely have a pretty good idea about what your husband’s biggest source of resentment is.

Your best course of action is to not only address but to try to remove that soft or vulnerable spot.

You’ll have to figure out the best time to do it. Because it may not be possible immediately. If your spouse is still somewhat receptive to you, then there’s no time like now. But if your spouse has developed a hard shell, you’ll need to move gradually.

You’ll need to find easy ways that you can build a rapport. You may have to start very slowly. You may have to settle for pleasantly talking about things that don’t even matter (at first.) This is okay. You’re trying to move from disdain to a more pleasant existence.  Try to make it pleasant and fun.  You deserve to have fun sometimes too.

When you get to the point where he’s more open to you, then you can begin to address those soft spots. Sometimes, just giving more attention to them can fix them, and other times, you’ll need to have some really honest conversations.

I know that this might sound like a daunting road, and I admit that it’s often a gradual process. But I can tell you that when your spouse suddenly drops his resentment and coldness, you will notice a very fast and dramatic change in his behavior.

His disdain can turn into affection very quickly as soon as he feels heard, seen, and loved. And when you’re no longer dealing with his coldness, then you will also feel loved. It’s really a win for both spouses and it may be less difficult than you think.

If you want to read about how I gradually went from my husband completely avoiding me to him willingly wanting to reconcile, that can be read at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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